Fifi's world

Learning to live with regret

2012-02-03T11:44:00.003-06:00

Regret, like old friends, often comes back into your life.

We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.

I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.

I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.

It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.

My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.

I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.

I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?

Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.

No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.

Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.

Furious happiness

2012-01-26T12:40:00.004-06:00

I love things that make me laugh. I think life is better when your laughing, having fun and just overall enjoying life. I've never considered being "furiously happy". It's never crossed my mind or my thought process until I read this blog by this very funny woman....which tells the story of buying a giant metal chicken...it's the funniest thing I've ever read and frankly I so see my self and my bff doing that exact thing. But there was a link to a friends blog in there where she talked about a strapless red dress and learning to be furiously happy....here's an excerpt from her blog - http://thequeso.com/

"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies. I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be. And the more I thought about it
the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”. Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better. Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it. So she bought the dress. And then she wore it. And then she began sending the dress around to different people who needed it for whatever reason."

It's like she crawled in my head and plucked this story from my brain. Like I've been holding it, waiting for some catalyst of a moment to make it come to life. It's somewhat comforting to realize that after all, we aren't really alone. That even though we feel it, there are others who feel and experience all the same things we do. It should give me comfort to know that...but for some reason it makes me feel like....I should be doing more. Saying more. Just more.

I have these thoughts in my head swirling around and I don't act them...I think about them a lot but they don't seem to come to life like others do. I think I might have to focus on listening to my innerself a lot more.

Changing focus

2012-01-19T12:44:00.004-06:00

Why is it so easy to find the faults in our self and in others? Why is it so easy to believe the negative things about who we are and what we do? Whose bright idea was that to give us the ability to remember verbatim the mean, unsupported, untrue (mostly) things people say about us and then own them like a second skin? What part of our brains have taken over the common sense part?

It's that time of year where you have to sit with your boss and do your review. You sit and talk and set your goals, plans, and objectives for the year. It's mostly just words on paper but sometimes I surprise myself and actually do accomplish things I've put on there. Sometimes I actually WANT to. It's also the time to get your 360 peer reviews back.

Now myself, I'm rarely surprised by these. I work with a great group of people that help when I need it, push back when necessary and tell me to sit down and shut the hell up once in a while. I'm not surprised by their comments. I know my faults. I know my downfalls, I accept them and mostly I own them.

I'm bossy, I'm stubborn, I'm confused if I don't get the whole picture. I'm a question queen. My dad used to get so angry at me...stop asking so many questions he would always bellow at me. I tend to be a little black and white or yes/no which I know I need to work on. On the positive side however, I am also a team player, I will run when necessary, sit back and watch when it's important and give 110% to everything I do. I need to know that what I do makes a difference or I don't want to do it. If you tell me to be "corporate" Dawn, I am just that. I dress the part, walk the walk and talk the talk. Inside I may be rebelling or screaming obscenities but externally, I'm playing the part. I think I know pretty well when to pull that person out...I think I've done a good job of that and mostly people tend to agree. We of course all have an off day.

Most people question me when I'm at an event where I'm "representing" my division and I'm in that role, they ask if I'm OK...why and I so "quiet". I smile and appreciate their noticing this but I stay in my role. So, overall, I feel like I've got this corporate gig down pretty good. Even my boss has commented on it....so that tells me I'm on the right track. But what I can't understand is when someone who barely knows me or works with me or has pretty much anything to do with me makes a comment that is supposed to reflect my work presence.

Case in point....the purpose of a 360 review is to get feedback from those people you work with and will continue to work with. What do I do well? What can I improve on? What other comments to you have? Pretty generic and honestly, one shouldn't really be surprised by any of these..but I was...under the what other comments do you have someone wrote "I haven't worked with Dawn enough to provide valuable input" OK...first off.....if you haven't worked with me enough why are you getting a 360 review and second if you don't have any valuable input then stop there......why go on...I mean you yourself said it wouldn't be valuable...but no...they went on....they then stated "For the few/brief times I do work with her, I'm not impressed with her professionalism". This made me pause and question WTF they are talking about?!

I mean how do you say a statement like that and not follow it up with for example she burps out loud or she picks her nose or she drinks like a man! I mean really...what does that mean? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Why, of all the things said, is that the only one I can focus on and give any attention to? Have we become so jaded in our lives and thinking that the only comments we can validate are the negative ones? Do we have the need so badly to be liked by everyone that when we aren't it sets us on a path of self-hatred and worry. What is wrong with us that we can't look at that statement, think huh...I wonder what that means and then just blow past it. No...all I can do is look at every person I pass in the hall, the elevator, the cafeteria and wonder....did you say that? If so what does it mean? Am I being unprofessional now? It's making me a little crazier than I already am. Why do we allow those any power?

I guess when I say WE I really mean ME. I don't suppose most people will give it much validation, most will be able to brush it off and move on. I mean my own boss didn't even mention it - why do I give it any validation?

Then, because it's the time of year for reviews, I had my review at my part-time gig too, again all good, all positive and overall the rating was really good except for one little comment that really wasn't my fault but I brought it up so it got written into my review that I actually did this wrong....but I didn't....and arguing about it won't change anything because it honestly doesn't matter one bit but because it's written down, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it because it's on paper and therefore now part of my file, my documentation, the only thing that will remain about me when I'm gone? Is that why I have to burn my journals when they are full? I don't want anything negative hanging around. I guess that's why everyone becomes a saint when they die....all the bad, mean, selfish things they've done just get ignored. Suddenly they have sunshine and flowers as their only reminders.

I guess I just have to accept that is what someone else thinks of me and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is. The best we can do is just make each day better than the last. All I can do is try to be the best me and if that no name can't appreciate that, its out of my control.

It's hard being an adult.

Listening to the quiet

2012-01-11T07:45:00.003-06:00

It's in the calm quietness you will find the answers you seek. Makes me sound quite zen-like and balanced doesn't it? Well I'm not either. I'm just trying to find intention with myself.

I hate making New Year’s resolutions. It feels like a constant set-up for disappointment and failure. I know the basic rules of life: be nice to others, treat others as you wish to be treated – all the stuff you learned in kindergarten about playing nice in the sand box. I realize that as we get older we start to make our own choices as to who we are, who we think we want to be and we start walking in that direction. It’s a path of constant improvement and change.

I’m talking about the resolutions like losing weight, or finances or whatever lofty goal we try to set that often doesn’t make it past the first month. Those types of resolutions seem daunting and quite honestly, why do you have to wait for the first of the year to change that? Why not decide that in say March or August and just do it? What is so magical about the first of the year that makes us believe everything is possible?

Possibly we are still riding the high of the holiday’s…a constant sugar buzz and as we wean ourselves off the sugar, we start to come back to reality….the reality is we are responsible for our own results. Therefore, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. Instead I resolve to do a few things FOR myself that will ultimately be beneficial to those around me.

I resolve to be more patient. Not one of my strongest attributes. I grew up with the mentality that if you don’t do it, don't have it or don't say it RIGHT NOW, you won’t. End of story…a maybe is never a positive outcome. So, I have to learn to trust that maybe is sometimes what the answer has to be. I have to call on my inner strength to muster up the will power to accept maybe as an answer and be OK with it.

I resolve to spend more time with my family and friends that I have this year. I’ve spent a lot of time this year on my IAAP stuff and I’ve been working three jobs – all in all it’s good for me, but kind of leaves me isolated from my own life at the same time. So I will make some changes in other parts of my life that will help me do more of this. It’s not what we do, just that we are together, enjoying time and the connection that we obviously share. I keep looking to the future for the someday thing and I’m missing the here and now things.

I resolve to not say anything if I can’t add value. If my thoughts and my opinions aren’t going to help or add value, what’s the point of putting them out there? Meaning that I want to me more intentional in my thoughts and deeds and not just be saying and doing things hust for the sake of it. I want there to be meaning and purpose behind them and I want to add value, purpose and meaning to myself and my life.

I want to accept what is and not want more. This one is my biggest challenge. I get that we should strive for more, for better, for exception in everything we do and touch, but without a clear and purposeful meaning it’s like spinning wheels in mud…you can keep on moving teeny tiny nuggets but you won’t actually get anywhere. Accepting who I am and where I am in my own life is the place to start. This one kind of scares me because it’s really the overarching part of my very being, if I can’t do this, how can I expect to move on to anything new?

So, there it is, a new year, a new plan and new possibilities. Who knows what this year will bring.

It’s okay to look back, but it’s best not to stare.

Am I the Grinch?

2011-12-26T12:17:00.002-06:00

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." - Dr. Seuss

Christmas came and went in the blink of an eye, for me it did anyway. It doesn't have anything to do with the gifts or the parties or the "stuff"...not like it used to. Do I miss the Christmas times of my youth when I awoke and raced downstairs to gaze upon stockings so full of unknown surprises....filled to the brim with candy and treats and small gifts? Gasping at the mass of presents under the tree as far as my eyes could see? Some wrapped...some too big to be wrapped and hoping they were ALL for me! Maybe a little. I think what I miss most of all is the connection that day/time brings. The meaning behind all the "stuff".

When you get older and your alone you don't really get that....connection anymore. You don't have that magic moment that makes you feel like you are a part of something bigger. So maybe I do sympathize a little more with the Grinch than I'd like to admit. When I wake up on Christmas morning there is no magic moment...no WOW for me. It's a day like any other day for me and if I'm not with family, I still have to make my own coffee. It's just another day.

This year seemed particularly different to me. Maybe because I worked retail and I got to witness first hand the amount of "stuff" people were buying. It's a little crazy really. I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE presents and I LOVE to give them....but I can't help but wonder why we stress ourselves out so much and spend so much for that moment of waking for that magic feeling? Is it worth it? Can't we do something year round or at unplanned times in the year to show the special someone's in our lives they matter? I know we can...but why don't we? Why don't I?

I seem to have lost my mojo for holidays this year. Even my own birthday went by without much of a clatter...that's not really me but it seems, it may be who I have become. Do we really become someone completely different out of the blue?

Another year's end is fast approaching. I used to love New Year's eve. Loved the possibility of a new start, that maybe THIS year I will be someplace where confetti falls from the ceiling at midnight and that maybe, just maybe this year will be amazing! But it seems, that one year just sort of blurs right into the next and nothing much changes...maybe the faces of those around you change....you lose some friends...gain some new ones...you move, have new neighbors....give up going out with certain groups or suddenly decide to not spend time with others. Faces and places change but really what remains central is you...you are the center of your own Universe.

What changes can one really make in a year? I mean some simple ones but the big, internal, life changers take more time. I was told this story recently of a man who made a list of life questions for his father in an attempt to get to know him better. Because, as we all know, we age as fast as our parents do and they surely won't be around forever. In an attempt to get to know more about his father he made a list of 37 questions...he gave the list to his father and hoped, one day, to have answers. Of course you know the father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly but as the son was cleaning out his fathers house, he came across the list and most of the questions had been answered by his father....he found great comfort in this. Having lost my own father this year, made me wonder a bit...who was he really. What I thought I knew of him is all I will ever have. I don't know what made him happy, what childhood memories he took with him into his life. I don't know if he was living the life he chose or did his life choose him? What did he feel about his time in the military? Why did he pick my mother to marry? Was he really always the sad, unhappy, mean, selfish man I knew at the end? Was there ever a time in his life where he wanted something more? Different? Did he even try? Made me think....when I'm gone, what might someone want to know about me?

Since I don't have children of my own to leave a legacy too, or to take care of me when I'm old I will count on my nieces and nephews...they will have to take care of their Auntie. We all have a unfinished life story, what does our final chapter look like?

I want to ask my mom somethings before she's gone: 1) What's been your greatest moment? 2) What is your biggest fear? 3) Why did you marry dad? 4) When were you at your absolute happiest? 5) What advice would you have to pass on? 6) If you could change one thing, what would it be and why?

I did a mini version of this with my grandmother when I had some alone time with her before I moved her to Minnesota, where she died shortly after. I remember asking my grandmother if you could change one thing in your past, go back and do one thing differently what would it be and why? At first she laughed it off, and said what does it matter, it didn't happen, you can't change what is. You just have to make the best of the life your given and be happy with that. I remember thinking to myself - that's true but didn't she have hopes or desires or dreams or wants that never happened no matter the life she had? Couldn't she have possibly wanted anything more that what she had? On the last night in Florida, after I had spent a week in 90 degree weather packing up her life and her house, giving away almost everything she owned, having had to watch an 86 year old woman say good bye to the life and friends she had known, it occurred me, that who we ARE is composed of more than just our thoughts and dreams. All the "stuff" we accumulate through our lives is part of us to.

I tossed away furniture, pots and pans, brooms, Tupperware, and stuff that to me had no meaning. It was just clutter that there was no room for in my mothers house where I was taking my grandmother to. I cleared out all the "stuff " in her life with careless abandonment because I was focused on getting her home....to my mom's house...and all this "stuff" was just clutter in my way. I never gave any thought that that meant anything to her. Looking back at that last night we spent in Florida, in a cheap hotel right by the airport sitting in the warm night air I wish I were more present in that moment. I wish I had more thought to when, quietly as we sat rocking in the swing on the porch in the hot Florida night my grandmother said "I would have said I love you more".

I was exhausted, tired and emotionally drained from packing up and making decisions about all her stuff and lying to her about it....yes Grandma, I packed those up...when in reality I threw them away or gave them away. I got rid of her life in 3 days with barely a thought of what things meant. The pots and pans she owned her whole married life with my grandfather who had passed 10 years earlier, the furniture they bought together, the lamps they picked out, everything had to go - I was so focused on getting home I forgot her life, her stuff, her things - mattered. I said what are you talking about Grandma? Taking a long puff on her Salem 100's cigarette, she said....I would have said I love you more. I looked at her quizzically thinking - wow, she has really lost it now.

She stared off into the night sky and simply said: you asked me what would I change if I could go back and do one thing differently - I think it matters that people know you love them. And not just saying it...showing it. She then continued to smoke her cigarette until it was a tiny nub of the filter left and we didn't say another word - we just sat there rocking. I can't remember exactly what thoughts were going through my head but they sure weren't OMG! That's amazing..I want to remember that...I want to carry that back into my life, I want to tell people I love them....and not just tell them...show them. Actions speak louder than words. But I didn't...not then anyway...I trudged on with my life and continued on as if any day were the same as the last.

The last time I spoke with my grandmother was a few days before she died. I remember visiting her in the nursing home, a little angry that I had to go...that I HAD to go visit. It early January and she had been in there since right after Thanksgiving. Her body started shutting down and just before Christmas they told us it wouldn't be long. So we went...everyday to see her and to hold her hand and to tell her we loved her. She stopped eating and really responding in early January and we knew the time was close. The day she died, January 14, the nurse came into her room and said Hi Annie, what are you going to do today? My grandmother hadn't really responded much in the last few weeks...but that day she said she was going home to Chicago. The nurse said well have a good trip. At some point after the nurse left my grandmother slipped quietly away and went home to Chicago. That is where my grandfather was buried and grandma decided it was time to go home. She just slipped away and that was that.

I hadn't thought much about that moment or that time until this Christmas. Maybe because it was the first Christmas without one of my parents...it was harder for my sisters than it was for me, which made it hard for me. Who wants to see anyone sad? It made me think of my Christmas's as a child and all the excitement that came with Christmas morning and then my grandparents coming over and the smell of the house as Christmas dinner cooked and we all played with all our new stuff and how happy we all were...for just that teeny block of time. I miss that. I miss that moment with my sisters and brother....the sound of a house full of people and the smell of Christmas dinner and the fresh tree.

So perhaps the Grinch was right after all - it can come without ribbons or tags. It's not about the packages, boxes or bags. Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

There are no such things as coincidences…..

2011-12-19T08:43:00.002-06:00

Or are there?

The word “coincidence” is actually two words, “co” and “incidence,” which means when two things happen at the same time for no apparent reason.

It’s been said that coincidences are just routine patterns that we haven’t yet recognized. Is it a “coincidence” that I have coffee every morning (well, mostly if someone else is making it) or is it routine, habit…part of me?

Sometimes in the midst of chaos, routine is what keeps us sane, keeps us going….keeps us plugging along the life path we’ve chosen to be on. Every day we take the same way to work, drink the same cup of coffee, go to the same job and starting it all over again the very next day HOPING something will be different…but the circle continues…the wheels keep turning and we keep moving until something, like fate, jumps in to remind us, we aren’t alone.

Life is something planned…we figure out who we think we want to be early on and we move towards it. We pick a school, a job, a career, a life, a mate…..we plan….mostly leaving nothing to chance, for a the life we think we want. “Show us signs along our path that lead us to the answers we need right now to advance our lives in accordance with our happiness."

Hopefully we are planning a life based on our own happiness, but that’s another issue all together. If anyone took the time to watch us, I mean to study our lives from the outside, they would see no coincidences, no change in our easy, predictable, traceable routines. It’s really just a breathable version of connect the dots. Every once in a while however, fate gives us a nudge, like a giant elbow to the head, causing our routine to skip a beat, just for a second, making us remember we’re still alive. A sudden job loss, the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship…any big life change is there to tap us on the shoulder and remind us to live our live, not just coast through. It’s easy to get caught up in a routine.

Sometimes that’s what we have to do for a short time. When I was in school, my life was filled with nothing BUT routine. I went to class Tuesday nights, did the reading or assignments (homework) Wednesdays, had a professional commitment on Thursdays….Friday was MY night. Usually it consisted of sleep, or errands or trying to reconnect with family and friends. Saturdays it was meeting with my group or doing more homework, Sunday was cleaning, laundry, shopping and finishing up any last minute house/life stuff which lead us into Monday, which was devoted to making sure homework was done and ready for Tuesday class. It was that way for so long that when it finally ended, I almost had a breakdown….now what do I do? Coincidence? Routine? Whatever it was, it got me through a challenging time. Now the trick is to find that balance in everyday life so we don’t have to go through these stages of routine waiting for fate to slap us in the head to remind us were here.

Is it a coincidence we’ve become friends, lovers, partners, husbands, wives…..family with people we’ve met? Is the Universe conspiring to send us those people that we need? Have you ever met someone and before you know it you can’t imagine your life without that person in it? You can’t imagine waking up one day not seeing them, talking to them, having them be a part of your whole entire being? Is that a coincidence or is it fate?

Fate is the supposed force or power that predetermines events, a series of inevitable events that we don't choose or control. If you believe in fate, it’s probably bigger than just that simple statement, but you have to accept the fact that you have no idea what is going to happen, that someone or something bigger than you,however, does. Has our “fate” already been decided for us or do we get to plan that as we make our own life choices? Is the entire cosmos system out there deciding for us or do we meet people along the way (coincidence) that redirect us and take us to new/different paths?

“The man, who knows something, knows that he knows nothing at all” So are you ready to accept that? Believing in coincidences doesn’t mean that we are stuck with a life of simplicity, or that our actions don’t matter, choice is always a part of our own lives. Our actions matter. Our choices matter. Everyday we get to choose the things we want to keep in our lives and the things/people/jobs/stuff it may be time to let go of. Other than that, you have no way of knowing specifically how you will influence the universe; you can only assume that if you live life passionately, pursuing a life dedicated to your own pursuit of happiness, that your effect will be positive.

In this life, that may be as good as it gets.

Lost in my mind

2011-12-16T12:45:00.002-06:00

Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget some of the basics. I've been living that way for a long time now, caught up in life....the elusive hunt for the things that gives up purpose, meaning....a reason to be. It's time to give up that ghost.

I think 2012 is going to have to be a year of getting back to the basics. These simple everyday things that seem to get lost in the shuffle of us trying to “be” something…or to “get” somewhere. Somewhere in our lives, we've bought into all the consumerism and the fact that we, just as we are, aren't enough. It's time to remember or realize that we DO have all we need.

The most important thing we have in our lives is our connections to others….the friendships we’ve cultivated, the family (for better or worse) we’ve got and the jobs we stay at. It’s time to get back to the simple things in life and hopefully that will help create a road map that leads us out of the muddled mess that has us lost in our own minds.

Treat others as you want to be treated. This one is a hard one. Especially if you work retail during the holidays, you see the worst (sometimes the best, but more often not) in people. The greed, the inability others have to see anyone or anything outside their own bubble. I’m sorry I don’t have control over a manufacturer who only produces a small quantity of the Muppet's nail polish. Please don’t yell at me like I’ve personally stolen your first born child and sold them for a bowl of oatmeal. And yes, everything has exceptions…this includes the $3.50 coupon you are standing here arguing with me about….how much in gas did you spend to drive here and how much is that name brand everything your wearing cost? You want to argue with me why you can’t save $3.50 off your $8.00 purchase when the coupon CLEARLY states it’s with a $10 purchase? Really? You want to fight THAT battle? Here….why don’t I just open my cash drawer and give you…let’s say all the $20 bills I have in here…..will that make you happy?

Treat others as you want to be treated….don’t yell at a cashier making $10 an hour because you can’t use your $3.50 coupon on high-end $25 mascara…..suck it up and get a $6 tube of Maybelle for God’s sake….heck, get 3 tubes!

A friend of mine was recently doing a talk pre-holiday....about learning to be true to ourselves during these times. He talked about this Hindu phrase he uses as his mantra "neti neti". Loosely translated it means "not this, not that". I'm sure there is some deeply hidden spiritual meaning behind it but for this purpose, let's keep it simple. Neti neti. I feel that, I get that, I pretty much want to OWN that statement.

If you ask me what I want I can't answer that, I can however, very clearly tell you what I DON'T want....neti neti. I think along with that phrase needs to go the tag line "stop doing the things that don't work for you". This may eventually lead us into the things that do??? Maybe?

So the pre-holiday talk consisted of 4 bullets - 1) Neti neit 2) Start a new tradition 3) Find your peeps 4) Start seeing with new eyes. They all of course, tie into each other. Stop doing the things that don't work for you. Don't do things just because you always have. The holidays still come and go even if you don't spend 6 hours at your family's. Surround yourself with people who fill your bucket....who energize you...support you....love you... and finally take off the rose colored glasses and look at things as they really are. You are never going to have a Hallmark holiday....so quit expecting it.

Lost in my mind, no where to go, lost in my mind, no room for new thoughts. If you keep your brain filled with all the old things how can you expect anything new to infiltrate and change?

We create our own life one choice at a time. Choose wisely.

Becoming who we are

2011-11-15T11:23:00.002-06:00

Every day we wake up we choose who we are…who we will become. Everything we do every day, every action, every word, every movement comes back to who we are. Life sometimes teaches us lessons we don’t even realize mean anything until a lightbulb goes off.

It’s like we come to a path in the road and we choose, we choose one way over another and we try to make the best of it…..we search for the answers we don’t really need, we don’t even know we don’t need them until we come up empty. This isn’t who I’m supposed to be. Every mistake we make is a chance to learn, everytime we fail, we are just learning to become who we are.

What if we don’t really want to be THAT person anymore? What if we no longer want to be the person we have become? Is is that easy to choose a new us?

That my friends, is a whole new question and process. We grow up with an idea of who we are and who we want to be. We learn this from the people in our lives….or the lack of people in our lives. We become who we think we are supposed to be. If you grew up with people who valued education and hard work, that’s what you do, that’s who you become. If you grew up with people who valued art, imagination and free will …that’s who we become……with very few exceptions, we become who we think we are supposed to be. It’s only once we become an adult and strike out on our own that we suddenly decide there is more to life, to us, to the choices we make than the world we’ve created for ourselves. We begin to learn who we are.

There are lots of stories of those who grew up in a “good family” and yet they took the path less traveled…they didn’t follow in anyone’s footsteps…they became their own person. They live their life according to their own beliefs and rules. They veered off the path that life had set out in front of them only to find their own trail. My question is…..how do you know your who you are because it’s what YOU want to be or it’s what you THINK you’re supposed to be?

I always thought I’d be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a totally independent person who doesn’t need anyone for anything….I am woman hear me roar. I never imagined I’d be single, childless and sit behind a desk 8 hours a day working on someone else’s idea of success, someone else’s dream….never thought I’d have this life. Not to say it’s a bad life or an unimportant life, it’s just not at all what I imagined I’d be. I recently found an old journal of mine from when I was 12/13. Now I know the angst of being a pre-teen has its own issues but once you get past them (my sister stole my nail polish – my brother is such a jerk! Why won’t that boy notice me!?) once you get past the petty everyday pre-teen problems you can see the smattering of dreams sprinkled in there. I wanted to BE someone…I wanted to BE something…..I wanted so much more that I even knew. I often said things like “I can’t wait to have my own place” or I made lists of all the things I would buy once I got to have my own money…..it’s silly really - it was things like having more records (yes I said records!) or going to concerts or buying the clothes I wanted or the furniture I thought was super cool. I wanted sooooo badly to have a chair shaped like a giant hand…..why? because it was going to be AWESOME! But in there are the dreams of who I thought I would be….I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to work with kids, I wanted to have a life of play and carefree fun…..but the reality is…that’s not what being an adult is. There are bills to pay, a house to clean, clothes to be washed, grocery shopping to be done, bathrooms to clean……so much we take for granted as a kid…..sooooo much.

But knowing this…knowing full well now that we have the choice to be who we want to be – how do we choose? Everyday we have the option to change who we are, we can’t change anyone else’s idea of who they THINK we are, but we can change who we THINK we are. It’s all about choices. We choose each and every day the things we do and say. We choose our attitudes, what makes us happy, what makes us feel of value, of importance. It’s no one else’s choice but our own. We choose to keep people in our lives, we choose to let them go. We choose new jobs or to stay at one we hate. Every choice, every movement, everything we do creates who we are.

Who will you choose to be?

Music creates inspiration!

2011-11-03T14:24:00.002-05:00

I imagine if I had the ability to formulate my thoughts, experiences or feelings into pretty words, I would be a song writer. I admire those who can channel an experience, good or bad, into a verse they can share with the world. I so love a song that feels like they have just crawled out of my head or soul and created a song JUST FOR ME. I sometimes feel quite afraid that song writers have actually been spying on me with hidden cameras to get “ideas” for their songs.

Inspiration...where does it come from?
Pink is one artist whom I feel a very close connection with. Her song Glitter in the Air:
“It's only half past the point of no return, The tip of the iceberg, The sun before the burn, The thunder before the lightning, The breath before the phrase, Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone” feels like she actually crawled inside my head and soul and wrote this song.

Or her song Perfect “The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear, The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer, So cool in line and we try try try, But we try too hard and it's a waste of my time. Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere They don’t like my jeans, they don't get my hair. Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. Why do we do that? Why do I do that?” could have been written after a coffee session with me. Honestly!

It seems that she has some hidden camera focused on my life and she wrote these songs TO me ABOUT me FOR me. I suppose in another way, it should comfort me to realize I am not the only one who is feeling this…who shares this thought on life, people and/or the power that connection holds. It should comfort me....but it doesn't.

I was obsessed with American Idol in the early days, I think because secretly I always wanted to be a singer, but the AI before it got all showy and popular. I was one of the early junkies of the show. I remember that moment when Kelly Clarkson came out to sing her song they wrote for her A Moment Like This – and I remember weeping at the words…the meaning…the power those words have. Words have so much power. Once they are said, once they are given a voice – they cannot be forgotten. In that song there is a line that says “Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this” and that line just reached out to my soul and kind of sucked my breath away…made me really think how we don’t even know that we are waiting for our “moment”.

What do we do to create those "moments" for ourselves? Do we give away our right and our power to others to create that for us? Do we allow ourselves the right to create that for ourselves or do we give in and let others control that FOR us? I’d like to believe that we don’t allow that to happen, that we take ownership for our own happiness, success, life – the reality is however, it’s usually based on lots of external factors we’ve convinced ourselves really matter.

I’ll be happy when I’m married, have kids, have a house, make more money, have a husband, a wife, a partner. I’ll be content when I have a new car, a better job, more vacations, a better partner than what I have now. I’ll be happier when I’m thinner, prettier, better dressed. Not to say that can’t happen or won’t, but we put all these conditions and terms and “rules” on ourselves that we almost make it impossible for us to succeed or to actually have a life we think we want. We also allow others to make that true, to then to make that our reality.

Take the recent Kardashian debacle. Kim’s marriage, her fairytale marriage is over. How many people watched that and used that as the example for a “perfect” life - for a happy life? How amazingly perfect things must be because they have each other, tons of money, amazing clothes, expensive cars, a ring that’s worth more than the grand total of EVERYTHING that I own. How many people set that as an example of a “perfect” life? I do, to an extent.....

Reality is harder than we think. It’s not sparkly and shiny. It’s seeing someone at their worst (physically and emotionally) and not walking away. It’s working 15 hour days to pay off debt. It’s going without lavish vacations or expensive purses or clothes or cars to keep a roof over your head. It’s working a a few jobs that earn you enough to survive. It’s being a friend to someone unconditionally. There is no cut, no take-two…no do-over. It’s real and it’s raw and hard and it’s always changing. It’s what we choose to make it.

So where’s the song to talk about this? Where’s the song to say “Meh, this isn’t my “fairytale” life but it’s MY life and I am going to make it be the best it can be” – or the song that says “I’m ok being the “no thank you” person in every piece of my life”.

Maybe I should consider my career as a song writer….perhaps it’s time to go down that path.

The path of least resistance

2011-11-01T12:11:00.003-05:00

A moment changes everything whether it’s a twist of fate or the will of the Universe, a moment can change everything.

Something as simple as the one harmless thing you do….a stolen glance with someone that might lead to another’s broken heart, visions/dreams/hopes that live in our heads of the life we have envision for ourselves “someday”. The years go whipping by us and before we realize it we are where we are. Looking back we see that we have spent our energy and time running towards something - towards a life, a person, a destination – whatever it is, only to finally wake-up and realize we can no longer hide from even ourselves. That we are not who we even thought we were going to be and we are not where we thought we would be. Suddenly we are no longer able to hide all those feelings and thoughts and dreams that are inside of us, waiting to get out. Time is no longer our friend but a constant reminder that as long as a day is, it’s never enough time and suddenly we’ve never felt so far away and disconnected from life.

That’s when the moment changes everything - the way you think, feel, act…..look at things.

Suddenly nothing feels right, nothing works. Everything feels like you’re absolutely standing still in time. Now what do you do? There comes a time in life, a time we face the road we’ve chosen, the path we are on and we accept it. We own it and make it be the best of it. There is also the time we stop, take a deep breath and figure out what else might there be? What else is it that we are looking for? What else might be there that we don’t even see or know about? That time is now…that place is here and that moment will change everything.

So you start down a new path, you come to another fork in the road (there’s always a fork in the road) and you choose….you boldly walk down the path and come what may, there you are. Its human nature to choose the path of least resistance….it’s pretty much what the Universe is always telling us. If we’ve learned ANYTHING at all from Jurassic Park it was this – Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Malcolm) is talking about the natural affinity there is for the path of least resistance. He places a drop of water on his hand and lets it run off in the way it chooses to…the path it wants. Then, he does it again with another drop in a slightly different spot. The water “chooses” the same path as the first drop….this proves that everything seeks the path of least resistance. Is that right? What is that really telling us? Should we even TRY to choose a new path? Could we?

What does free will actually have to do with things then? Do we even HAVE free will or is it that we can choose a new path and then as we ignore the old path it becomes as ambiguous and unknown as the new path we are on so suddenly they start to look like each other and without thinking of it, we suddenly feel as if they ARE the same path and we quit fighting…..thus becoming the path of least resistance. It’s like we begin to mirror the old behaviors and suddenly they become the new and that’s how we end up in the same relationships or jobs or lots in life because as much as we think we are CHOOSING a new path, we aren’t.

Does it really come down to changing our own thoughts? Thoughts do become things...so ultimately our own success does lie at the fork in the road.

In the immortal voice of Yogi Berra “If you come a fork in the road, take it!”

Time flies!

2011-10-26T20:01:00.002-05:00

So I realized today that this year is almost over. I had a conversation with a friend this morning that reminded me how really short life can be. It's odd how fast time really does go by. She is adopted and just found her birth parents......her mother is sick but her father, her birth father was healthy, happy, successful and she had finally established a relationship with him but he was unexpectedly killed by a drunk driver over the last weekend. She was conflicted on how to feel and how to process it all. It got me to thinking.....time really does fly by us without much control.

If I could write a letter to myself as a younger person I would tell myself these things......that things we think are a BIG deal...really aren't. Life isn't always what you think it's going to be. You have to be able to roll with the punches and now worry what anyone else thinks. As long as you are good and kind and treat others as you want to be treated, you are going to be OK. Save more than you spend. You DON'T need all those "things" you think you do. You need a safe place to live, a reliable car and a few really amazing, good friends you can call ANYTIME to talk you off the ledge. The boy or girl you THINK you love who doesn't know you exist....isn't worth your time or energy. At some point at sometime someone will come along and see how amazing you are and will hold your hand like no one else ever has...that' the person you hang on to. That's the person you give your energy and time and soul to. The rest of them don't matter. You can and WILL out grow your childhood.....your parents......your sibling fights...they don't really last! There is always that one person, and maybe it's not the person you thought it would be....it may not be your wife/husband/partner/lover/boyfriend/girlfriend....that you can turn to when no one else gets you....but find them and hang on to them for all they are worth. That a college education DOES make a difference......that learning to take care of yourself and to only rely on you for your own happiness is the only thing you need to remember. Laugh every day. Be nice to old people...they have already walked the path you are beginning on. No one gets through this life alone. Love like you will never get hurt and give like you have all the money in the world. Don't forget to tell those people in your life you love them.....even if you think they know it.....you never know when you won't have the chance againg to say so.

Time waits for no one. We all get older, we all make choices every single day that effect the next and the next. Live with no regrets and do what makes you happy but doesn't hurt another person.

That's all I have on this random Wednesday night.

Changing by not changing

2011-10-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

You know that old saying….everything changes…the only thing certain in life are death and taxes. Every day we are forced to accept change, to be adaptable, to go with the flow, to just do it….well what if I don’t? What if I just say no…what if I refuse to change?

Isn’t the very fact that I’m NOT changing actually a change? I mean really, at some point don’t we have to say NO to the stupidness that others seem to inflict upon our lives and our very beings without our permission? Don’t we get to draw the line in the sand and say uh uh…no way, not gonna happen!?

I’ve had a few days that have felt like I’m on some hidden camera show and people are doing things to purposely make me wonder if I am sane…..if there is a reason I get up and TRY everyday. It’s been those kinds of crazy moments that just make you think there HAS to be a camera on me right now because this just isn’t possible!

A woman sametime messaged me, which is like an email but instant….telling me how I could better do my job. Something, I might add I’ve been doing and doing well for about 2 years now…but she had the audacity to tell me a better way….or what she thought was better…when I told her thank you but I’ve got this…she proceeded to clarify why she thought I should do my job differently. I again reminded her that it was fine, I appreciate her input but I got this….again she comes back, in MORE detail which I promptly replied I am not interested in our opinion but thank you. Oh it doesn’t end there….she then oversteps her boundaries yet again…long story …..but I sent her and email saying this is not YOUR job nor do you have the permission or the RIGHT to do this…she actually called me.

She picked up the phone and called me saying I don’t understand the tone of your email - you capitalized words in the middle of your sentence. I was confused by your tone. I said…has no one ever YELLED at you in email…because that’s the equivalent of me YELLING AT YOU. Do you understand my tone now? Sweet God!

Oh I wish I could make this stuff up! So really, she must be so bored that she randomly decides she can offer her input on how someone else should do their job. My thought is…girl….you want this job? Take it…do it….run with it! Sweet God ….that’s all I can bring myself to say.

So….by not changing I figure I am actually changing…so what self-help book do I find that in?

Taking the time

2011-10-18T14:17:00.002-05:00

This last weekend I got to see the results of my hard work over the last year. I have been planning this conference for about a year now from the resort, to the speakers, to the menu, entertainment….all the fine details that go into making a conference work I have been working on. Not 100% alone, I was lucky enough to have the assistance of a good friend who often talked me off the ledge as I began to spin out of control with all the “to-do’s” and a really great Board that did whatever I asked of them.

It was a great turn out too….we had the most attend a fall conference that we’ve had in several years. I’d like to say it was me…but really, it probably was more the timing, the cost or location, possibly the speakers….and maybe a teeny bit me…but it was great. I was very stressed and overwhelmed getting to the point of the conference starting but with the blink of an eye….it’s over. It’s kind of left a gaping hole in my life, time and nights. I spent so many nights working on the little details and checking and double checking my lists that now I’m not even sure what to do with myself!

It’s funny how that happens. We work so hard TOWARDS something and with a blink of the eye it’s over. What do we do with all that energy and guster we’ve mustered up to keep us plugging along? I’m completely exhausted….like I haven’t been in a very long time. I fell asleep on my couch Sunday night at about 7 p.m. and didn’t wake up until about 3 a.m. I probably could have slept that whole Monday away had it now been for the fact that I had to work. I wish I could have spent a little more down time at the actual resort…it was so beautiful and my room was AMAZING and the time with my friend was nice too…it just went by too fast. I feel like I really didn’t get to enjoy it as much as I could have.

The conference was centered around a person getting their “mojo” back…and once you have it, how do you keep it?

I'm trying to practice all the speakers told us, shared with us...but when you get back to your life it gets hard. It gets complicated an oogey. In that atmosphere I can totally get all rah rah and on board with what I have to do but once I get back to my world, my desk, my 409 emails....I lose my guster...my mojo..my higher purpose. I get sucked into the slouched body, the furrowed eyebrows, the desire to reach through the phone and slap people....it all comes flowing back to me like a river. Ahhh, the stress and chaos of everyday life is there waiting for me like an old friend.

In a perfect world I would do what I was told, what makes sense...I would say NO and mean it. I would delegate and be OK with it....I would only do what I can do and go home happy and content that I make a difference....but actually I can't say no...I'm over ruled (it's hard being a peon) I can delegate but I can't trust that it actually get's done...because more often than not it DOESN'T get done unless I'm there to nag it along and it seems that no matter how much I want to walk out the door at a certain time, I'm stopped....I'm trapped.

I GET to do this....day in and day out...I don't HAVE to....I GET to. Yes...that's what I HAVE to remind myself of.

Always thinking ahead

2011-09-29T11:25:00.002-05:00

I was having coffee with a friend the other day at a small neighborhood cafe' by Lake Nokomis (my new neighborhood) and two things occurred in such a small minute of time it got me thinking...ahead....to my life possibly in 20 years.

We sat table side outside and tootling down the street came a gentleman in his I would guess early 80's in an electric scooter that was more like a motorized electric wheelchair. Now I'm guessing he can barely walk without assistance, judging from his age and physical statue. He comes tootling down the street as if he were driving a car and smiling at us and just in general really happy and it appeared as if he were totally enjoying his life. Not a care in the world.

Now had this not been a quiet little neighborhood side street, he would have surely met his maker, but it was across the street from a school and in a relatively quiet and calm neighborhood. Not soon after he passed, a sporty little two door topless car came drifting by us. The driver's hair was blowing wild and free, completely untamed and she didn't seem to mind at all that her shoulder length do was wild and unkempt. She too was elderly, I would venture to say mid 60's. She also seemed to be quite happy and enjoying her life...which got me to thinking....where do I see myself at that age? I mean in a mere 20 years I will be 68 - will I have the love of life I saw on these people's faces? Will I have that unabated joy in a sunny day with the wind blowing my hair (no matter the color) all around?

Do we have to plan to be happy? Do we have to wait? Is the life and the stress and the choices we are choosing right now today what we do so that in 20 years we can be carefree and happy?

I wonder, what does it take for us to be "happy"?

Is it money? I know if I had more of it I'd be deliriously happy.....probably ALL the time. Is it love? I know if I were IN love, I'd probably be a person most people couldn't stand to be around. Is it fame? Ahh, we always think those things will make us HAPPY. Why do we choose to wait? Why do we put all these conditions on ourselves and our lives? Why not choose to be happy here and now? You ever meet one of those types....you know the ones that are always super positive and happy no matter what is happening. They always see the glass as half full and they always find the bright spot in everything that happens. Example - My husband left me. Her: Oh that's terrible, but I know there is someone amazing out there just waiting for you! Or I just got fired! Her: Oh dear. You know though, there is a job much more suited to you out there, you will find it! Those people...the Suzie Sunshine's of the world.....ugh.

But there is another type of person too....the one who acknowledges that things SUCK and it's NOT fair and it BLOWS or whatever analogy you want to use to describe the unfairness of life, but....and here's the key, BUT they help you realize that maybe things aren't as bad as you think or feel. Maybe things are just about to change and change for the better. Or maybe it's time to make different choices in your life so this doesn't happen again. And maybe, they are just the type of person to stand by you and hold your hand until things DO get better. Those are the people you want in your life. Not the Pollyanna Prue bread's who tweet out all this positive sunshine no matter the weather..

So.....it's time to find those people and choose that life and surround yourself with people that aid you in being a the best you now so when it comes your time to drive by some people sitting at a coffee shop discussing life, you get to smile with a small knowing smile that life does sometimes just settle into being happy and OK.

You don't know what you don't know

2011-09-27T19:48:00.002-05:00

Today was one of those days that are rare. One of those days where it started out one way and ended in such a positive, unexpected way. I had lunch with a friend, a new friend today who has been instrumental in helping me shape my not only my life but my future.

Everything happens for a reason, life ebbs and flows and sometimes we spend so much time trying to figure out WHAT is rather than experiencing and living our lives. So much has gone on in my life in the last few weeks that it's causing me to re-think so much about myself and my life choices. I've never been patient or good at waiting or even giving people space when they need it. I am a 100% in person and when that choice/option gets taken away from me without my permission I kinda freak out. So I need to put my energy someplace else, to shift my focus and hopefully things will settle and get back to what I call "normal" again.....soon.

So my new friend is a refreshing change in my manic life. He's one of those people that has been through life...he's been up and down and re-created himself and is doing what he loves on his own terms. It's something I've always thought about but haven't really ever dared do....or even thought I could do. He's living a true authentic life. Something I think we all dream about but many of us never even actually attempt. He inspires me to reach for that mythical golden ring.....to trust my gut and to move towards what it is I want.

So here's the thing....we never know what it is we don't know...until we suddenly know it. I've been looking for so long for my purpose, my reason, my path, my purpose....it's been here inside me all the time but I've never seen it. I've suddenly got a little glimpse into who I think I want to be or possibly the path I want to be on. This new focus in my life is good but is scary and overwhelming at the same time. I'm a bit nervous to be heading down this new path because in the past when I thought I was headed in a right direction I always seemed to find out way down the path that it just wasn't it. I am not really focusing on that part as much as I am trying to focus on doing this right, and putting my energy and time into something I am feeling good about right now.

I have embarked on this path trying to explore a side of me that has always been there, public presenting and sharing stories and trying to see if that is the avenue for me....and the messages the Universe is sending me is yes.....possibly this is a path I should explore. I've put a few presentations together and actually done three of them so far with four more scheduled over the next few weeks. The amazing thing is my new friend is such a blessing....he has given me so much encouragement and advice and amazing support that I can't even believe I'm lucky enough to have crossed paths with him.

So - who knows, this new path may take me where I want to go or it may just give me some new things to ponder and think about as I travel down this new and interesting path.

Outside forces

2011-09-16T11:00:00.002-05:00

Life is a constant moving force to be reckoned with. It comes at us so fast and hard that sometimes we just can't catch our breath. Then one day, one single moment, everything changes....stops. Suddenly all the chaos and hustle and bustle of real life no longer seems like it matters.

It can be an sudden unexpected death of a loved one, a break up, a job loss - any big life alteration that makes you stop and have to face the reality without the excuse of all the other busyness we fill our lives with.

Decisions have to be made fast and furious....and sometimes that's OK. We've created a lifestyle that works for us and we become comfortable with it. We make sure we are booked every minute, that we are constantly moving towards some goal we've set out there for us to reach and then suddenly, without warning, we have to refocus and shift our own lives.

Sometimes life has to slap us in the face before we stop and realize what we have and do isn't what we really want. Just for a little bit I'd like to believe that we are doing the right thing. That we are doing what we need to do for us for a better life for a better future....but we don't always get to control that. Personal issues cause a lot of in-balance in our lives. We constantly have to negotiate the difficult complicated choices we've made for ourselves. All the new experiences we experience come together to lead us off into another direction.

I think we tend to make life so hard on ourselves. We tend to stay in a life that continues to make us unhappy telling ourselves there isn't anything we can do about it. How come we continue to make these choices and then scream at the Universe....WHY ME?

I think it's time we start looking at finding little ways to make these changes without stopping our universes from crashing.

Time flies no matter what you do

2011-09-01T12:55:00.002-05:00

You know that old saying...time flies when your having fun. It's true, but it also flies no matter what your doing.

In looking over my own calendar for the next two months, I barely have a day where something isn't written in for each day. Either meetings, phone calls, working, working my pt job, presenting, making chapter visits....my days are flying by. I barely have time to even do the fun little things I love like time with friends or family.

I realized with great sadness, that it's been months since I've seen some of my nieces and nephews. Not counting the ones out of state, I'm talking about the ones right here near me. Life is moving at such a whirl wind pace that I can't even find time to enjoy life.

Makes me wonder, why am I on this treadmill on constant activity? What am I racing to...or better yet, running from? What makes me constantly have to be somewhere or to be doing something? How much is too much?

When we begin to look at our lives in terms of time, it seems out of control. If we look at it in terms of what am I doing to effect (or is it affect??) the greater good, things that will leave their mark even after I'm gone - it's a different story. There is value in building relationships that last lifetimes...there is value in helping others see the good and amazing opportunities available to them....they all have purpose and meaning but lately I'm feeling lost in the maze that has become my life.

I jokingly ask why I am even paying rent. I virtually am home long enough to shower, do some laundry and then go to bed. I could live in a tiny little one room place and be quite content. Why didn't I actually consider that when I moved? Why did I think I needed all this space and stuff? Why do we constantly strive for things that don't really make us....us?

No matter what you do, time moves on. Children get older, friends find new friends and forget about partners....they just feel left behind. Unless they are running at the same pace, it just doesn't work. I realize balance is the key....I know that I can and should say NO to somethings but for right now, I have made a commitment that for the next year will keep me running at a fast pace. I need some other parts of my life to settle down or keep up...otherwise I'm going to lose control.

Like a car that just keeps going, you have to do some maintenance as well...so I am trying to find that balance, trying to be as creative with my time and meetings as possible. Trying to combine some fun with the frenzy so at the end of the day I can feel like it all matter....it does...just not in a real measurable way.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.......

Getting lost to get found

2011-08-29T08:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we have to lose to win, get lost to get found. Make any sense to you? Cause it didn't to me until I started really thinking about it. Sometimes when we force ourselves to THINK about things we either muddle things up even more or create these situations that will never really actually come about and we end up so disappointed.

I've begun to realize the older I get how much time we waste hoping things will change, waiting for things to change....working in baby steps towards making things change but really, we don't have any control other than our own voice and our own choices. I recently was talking with a friend who was trying to make a plan for 5/6 months from now. We talked through different scenarios and laid out the plans, including all the "what if's" and the "maybe's" but still, we could really only talk it out. I began to realize with utter fear and frustration, that you can't really plan on anything.

I heard this speaker today going on and on about the choices we make in our lives. How we can't keep waiting for the WHAT IF'S or the MAYBE'S to happen. That each day is a choice and we are not promised tomorrow. He said "live each day as if it's last and eventually you are going to be right". That's really all we can depend on...the final result. He also talked about not settling...not giving into what is and to keep striving and working towards what it is you think you really want. If you don't know what that is keep fighting for it, keep looking. He talked about living each day to the best of your ability and if you find yourself waking up dreading what it is you are about to go give 8/10 hours of your life to then it's time to think about making a change. Made me really think and realize life is way to short to not enjoy it.

Why do we stay with people we aren't excited to be with, go to jobs that bring us no joy, do things we dread? I have to honestly stop and ask myself this question pretty hard.

Then I heard this story that I thought was pretty cool:

A six-old girl was at a drawing lesson, sitting at the back of the room because she rarely paid attention. However, on this particular day the little girl was very engaged. The teacher was interested in why the little girl was so engaged, so she went over to her and asked, “What are you drawing?” The girl said, “I’m drawing a picture of God.” The teacher replied, “But nobody knows what God looks like.” To which the little girl said very matter-of-factly, “They will in a minute.”

So what does your future look like?

Learn to become who you are

2011-08-16T10:31:00.002-05:00

Some days it's really easy to be me. I wake up with a zest for my own life and I begin my day looking forward to all the new adventures that will come my way. Then there are those days that I can barely open my eyes and my soul seems closed off to anything and everything new that might come my way. Sometimes those days turn into weeks....and I find myself questioning who I have become. Who I have chosen to be, who I continue to work towards becoming.

I grew up the oldest girl and therefore had responsibilities thrust upon me before I could really understand what it meant. I grew up always taking care of someone else. Making sure my sisters got their homework done, the dishes were done, people were fed, no fighting, the house was picked up...to technically I was a housewife since about age 8. I remember one time when I was about 12 or 13 years old I was sitting with my mom in our living room and when my dad came home, he asked me what was for dinner. He specifically addressed me and asked me what was for dinner....I remember thinking that was cool...I loved that. I felt in charge and kind of like a big deal. Looking back on it however, it kind of blows.

I learned early on in life to take care of other people. To put their needs, wants and desires first and that's not a bad thing, but it kind of leaves me in a weird place now as a single adult. I no longer have anyone to do that for. For about 12 years I was an assistant of some type, I was always the go to, knowledgeable person and that worked for me. Within the last year and half to two years, I've become more of a solitary worker bee. I mostly have no interaction with other humans, I write and edit and stare at a computer screen or scour the Internet for data. Who have I chosen to become?

We make the choice to be who we are by the actions we do each and everyday. I'm a little worried I've chosen a path that isn't who I really am. Can you go back and re-trace your steps and by doing something as simple as making different choices, ultimately change your path?

Worth a try.

Sky's the limit - full of possibilites

2011-08-01T14:12:00.002-05:00

There's nothing like change to make you appreciate what you had....have. There's nothing like change to snap you into waking up to all the possibilities life hands us everyday.

How do you know you won't like brussel sprouts if you actually never taste one? What if, by just trying one, you open yourself up to endless possibilities you didn't even know existed until you ate a brussel sprout. Now grant it, a brussel sprout can't change the world, but it can make a difference.

I was in Montreal, Canada last week, and despite my bum knee, I managed to hobble around enough to see some amazing sites. Some places I will probably never get back to in my life....so I took full advantage of the little bit of free time I did have. It was awesome. I would like to go back and see more but I'm thankful I had some time to see what I did. On the way there I was so focused on the week, the conference, my wardrobe for the week. So concentrating on where I had to be and when and how I was going to get there and would I get lost and would I know anyone and....and...and....I was so focused that I didn't realize we had hit turbulence outside the normal amount of turbulence. I mean I've flown a number of times and had the occasional bumpy ride, I even landed once in a thunderstorm. That scared the daylights out of me because a plane is a giant piece of metal and it felt like we were flying INTO the lightening. But this particular turbulence was different...it was super shaky....and we were in a smaller plane than I'm used too....two seats on each side....so we were shaking around pretty good. I didn't get worried until we did one of those drops....you know the kind where you sort of pop out of your seat and for one split second you are seat buckled in but yet you pop out of your seat. A collective gasp arose from the plane that made me so scared I thought I was going to pee.

When an entire plane gasps out loud....I think that's time to worry. I had a window seat and all I could see was white puffy clouds...I was praying to God (or whomever) that the pilot could see something more than me....the plane continued to shake about quite a bit and I couldn't help but cry. A tear ran down my cheek and the woman next to me, a complete stranger, offered me her hand and told me to just breathe.....it was the scariest few moments of my life. It literally only lasted a few minutes but it scared me. I began thinking after that....life is too short to be so focused and skipping the moment we are in. It was like the Universe was slapping me in the face saying STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE NEXT MOMENT AND THE NEXT MOMENT. FOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!

So I did...I focused on breathing and holding a complete strangers hand.

The sky's the limit....each and every day we have the opportunity to find new possibilities, new challenges, new roads to explore. How we choose to spend that time and that day is entirely up to us. We can be so focused on the next thing and the next thing and the next or we can try to see what each day and each moment offers us in terms of possibilities.

I've said it before, I'll say it again...it's hard to be an adult!

Looks good on paper

2011-07-07T14:00:00.002-05:00

I have the worst time sleeping. It's been this way for awhile now. My mind usually crashes and burns about 11 p.m. and I sort of shut down...but what happens is I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and soundly but only for a few short hours. Apparently that's all my body/mind (not my soul!) needs to recharge and restart again. I wake up anywhere from 2 to 4 a.m. and I don't just wake up I WAKE UP totally and completely. It's pretty rare that I sleep past 5 a.m., even on weekends. What happens is I start thinking and I start processing and I start trying to get everything in it's place for the day and I can't make it stop. It's like I keep making these mental lists that just don't stop...the list grows and grows and sometimes I check things off but mostly I'm just adding and adding until I can't see straight.

The problem with the lists is I keep making them and I keep thinking about them and sometimes I get some stuff done but then so much more creeps up on on the new mental list that it keeps growing and morphing and changing and then I have to go to work and then my other job and then grocery shopping and then a meeting and then home and clean and cook and...and....and......then I'm so tired that I never actually get AT my lists and they nag and nag at me mentally until I can't take it anymore. It's kind of a vicious circle.

So....it was suggested that I start to create lists...physically write down all this "stuff". Have separate lists for all my thoughts...a work one, a personal one and so on and so on. A list for each segment of my life and I should physically write down and then ultimately cross off things as they come to me. The very act of doing this may help me actually get things off my mind and let me feel organized enough to do what it is I need to do.

So I started today.......I sat and made list upon list upon list and just kept adding and adding until I couldn't think any longer of one more thing to add to any of my sections. I'm not going to lie, the very act of writing down everything I need to do completely overwhelmed me at first. I was a little startled and overwhelmed with the amount of items on my lists. It doesn't help that July is kind of a crazy unusually busy month for me, but still...this explains a lot about why I can't get my mind to stop and slow down enough to settle and sleep. Plus being wounded and not being able to do my normal activities without pain is wearing on a girl. Still...making the list made me feel better overall and I have to say, on paper....I look pretty good and organized and kind of on top of things...but the reality is it feels a bit overwhelming in person and on my very soul.

So the next task it to take a few items every day off my list, to do a few things everyday that allow me to feel like I am moving TOWARDS something and not just sitting in place spinning my wheels. Easier said than done I know but it's worth a try. So perhaps sleep will come easier which will make the rest of all the thoughts cycling through my head settle into place and everyone can learn to live happily ever after. Now the trick is....how to I find the time to get at these items without staying up super late or getting up uber early. There has to be a balance. Oh one issues certainly feeds into another....one step at a time I guess...one step at a time. For now - the lists......

I can't shake this feeling

2011-07-05T14:01:00.002-05:00

Something in my very being is telling me...no actually it's kind of shouting at me that something isn't right. That something just doesn't work...doesn't fit...isn't right. You ever have that feeling? It's like when you come home and you have this weird feeling that something is different, off, not normal...and you find that at some point during the day when you weren't home, a water leak happened above you and your bathroom is filled with about 2" of standing water. That weird, odd errie out of sorts feeling that something just isn't right is usually right.

Someone once tole me that we all create these pictures in our head, these images of how we perceive our own lives to be.....how we want them to be, how we plan and play it out in our brain. Maybe it's our subconscious or maybe it's a form of deep denial, but we hold onto these images of this life we've created in our head and we do everything in our power to work towards it, to have that life, that stuff, that person, that home or whatever it is we have convinced ourselves we need and that is the only way we can be content. That then, and only then, will we be happy. That when we reach that ever elusive perfect place in the world we have created in our heads, we can be truly happy...right? But what happens when that doesn't happen? How much to you constantly have to give up, give away, suck up before we change that picture? How many times do we have to tell ourselves "it's not that big of a deal...it doesn't' really matter...everything is fine, I don't mind". But the reality is - that's not the reality. I'm not saying we shouldn't have goals or dreams of a better life, but there's a fine line between reality and what we get.

"Let go. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen." If only it were that easy. Wouldn't that be magical if we could just do that! I know somethings not right, somethings not fitting but I can't quite tell what it is. Life is about growth and change and momentum and the ability we have as humans to constantly be learning and changing and seeking new opportunities...but at what point does it become...for lack of a better word...pointless? I know, most people would say as long as you are here and breathing it's not pointless...but really.....when do you stop and accept what is right in front of you and learn to be happy and content with what you have, where you are and who you have crafted yourself out to be? When does this "feeling" ever go away? And should it?

Is it the perfect job? House? Spouse? Child? Friends? What is the answer? Is it a combination, an additional thing....what is this elusive IT that makes things just feel right and good and dare I say "normal"? And do we really ever get it? I've been down so many paths in my life in search of this unknown, unseen thing....I keep thinking it's down this path...no wait...it's over here, wait - whoops, nope....wrong again...it must actually be over here. It's exhausting. It's soul sucking and exhausting to be constantly searching for something that quite possibly doesn't exist.

So...that just leaves the inevitable questions....what now? How do you quiet your soul enough to settle into the perfectly content, happy little life it has created and make it be OK? How do you get the core of who you are to accept and be content in the life it has? Or is it a constant battle and really the only actual answer is not to be found.

Ahhh, the question without answers has surfaced yet again.

Get outside your bubble

2011-06-24T08:29:00.002-05:00

Life moves at warp speed, no one is going to deny that. Sometimes it's just easier to keep doing the same old things.

You wake up, you shower, you comb your hair, you pray you have coffee in the cabinet and you trudge into work. You know...routine, common place, the same stuff...different days...but then you dare to do one little thing different and suddenly it's like your in an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore show and you feel like you ARE going to make it after all!!

I am a social person. I know many will be shocked by this statement, but it's true. I like to talk, to eat, to drink, to not be sitting at home watching the world pass me by. I've often held 2 if not 3 jobs to not only help ensure I'm out and about, but to have that extra play money to do the things I love to do. Recently, however, my body has started to rebel against me and I've had to scale things back quite a bit and frankly - I'm not happy about it!

I had foot surgery in March that took me down for a good month. I had to stop, sit, and heal. It's not quite 100% yet but I can no longer wait....so....I move on. Then on Memorial Day weekend, I decided I am invincible and 12 years old...so I had some fun on the trampoline. Now before you roll your eyes, you must know....it seemed really safe....and like a really good idea at the time...I seized the moment! I mean, it was in IN ground trampoline...it's flush with the ground so not only did I NOT have to haul my but UP into it, I couldn't fall OFF of it. What I didn't anticipate however, was the slipping potential. Yes...since it was an in ground tramp, the water factor that pools up UNDER it never crossed my mind. So just as I was stepping off, I slipped. I slipped good too! My leg went one way, my body the other and well....the rest is history. Tore, no wait, completely shredded my ALC in my left knee (mind you, the foot surgery was on my right foot) sprained another ligament and bruised my bone. Now as if that isn't painful enough, I am sporting a killer knee brace that makes me look like Forest Gump until I have surgery on Aug. 3.

Living in the moment can have consequences. What are the options though....sit at home watching the world go by or going out, playing hard, getting hurt and living with the shame, I mean consequences? I guess I say go big or go home!

So....this has taken me back a bit...kind of kept me from my normal running around, since I'm in pain almost all the time (still worth it!) and I'm kinda slow (slower than I normally am) I am not really an asset to my normal posse. Not that anyone is kicking me to the curb, but I'm definitely a damper to most situations. So I need to find some new opportunities to expand my "bubble".

I need activity so I decided to do something recently I don't normally do...I took risks...I stepped outside my bubble for just a bit and I have to say, it's been kind of refreshing. I've met some great new people, not to say my regular people aren't enough, but more is always better. I've learned some new things and I've started to think about my life and things a little differently. It's like it's your same space, you've just changed the paint color.

So....here is my challenge to you....do one thing differently this week. Make one change in your routine. Meet one new person for coffee or drinks or dinner. Step outside your own bubble and tell me that doesn't make the rest seem OK.

It's summer....time for fun!

Making lemonade

2011-05-26T08:03:00.003-05:00

You know the old saying...."when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" ...I want to know where it says then add ice, vodka and shake like hell.

Life moves and changes so fast. Mostly it's completely out of our control. Just for one day, however, I'd like to have a little control. I'd like to have a button for pause, rewind or even erase. It seems the older I get, the harder it gets to get through a day unscathed by so much. Tornado's are raving our countryside, people are getting sick and dying everyday, relationships start and end in the blink of an eye and somehow the days keep on keeping on but with a few new additions. We take vacations to get away from our lives and to recharge and restore our soul. It's kind of a band aide for life but it helps get us through the tougher times.

I recently lost my dad, he was 71 years old. I didn't have the best relationship with him and even though over the years we tried to make amends, it never really happened. I waited too long...or he was too stubborn....whatever the case, it will always remain an unresolved issue within me. I can't change how it ended, I can't really change what was....all I can do is deal with what is now and try to move forward with that.

These moments that come unexpectedly can change our lives forever. They can alter our thinking and perspective on what is really important. We start to value our own time and lives a little bit more. Is it worth fighting over some of the little things in life or do we save that anger and frustration for the bigger moments? What is worth us getting upset over?

Now my mom is in the hospital. She is also 71. She has COPD - a degenerative lung disease that will eventually kill her. It's hard to watch her struggle so much day to day just to breath. Its a little hard to stop our lives and take time out to go sit with her at the hospital...no one likes to be in a hospital much less go to visit anyone there but it's so hard because there is absolutely nothing we can do. All we can do is wait and hope the medicine clears up the fluid in her lungs that doesn't allow her to breath well and wait...eventually there won't be a time the medicine will work...it's kind of surreal to know that and every time we wonder...is it now?

The reality is we all die. We are born knowing this and yes it's sad and yes it's hard but it's the circle of life. It's how we deal with it and allow our connections to those in our lives to treat us that really matters. We can choose that right now while they are still with us. We can choose to make things end differently for ourselves....that's what we have control over.

So yes, life continues to throw us lemons and we can squeeze as hard and fast as we can but there's always going to be lemonade...do we drink it or not?

Putting things in there place

2011-05-25T10:55:00.002-05:00

I need a place to put things…inside my brain. My work me has a place, the fun me has a place, the crazy irrational me even has a place. When so much comes at a person so fast and its new stuff that doesn’t have a place…..I need a place. It’s hard to know where to put all those new voices that creep into our heads.

Everyone has them, those little voices that sound a lot like you. They sit in your head and talks away trying to get you to listen. The boring pop-psych word for them is Internal Monologue.

For a lot of people, the internal monologue is nothing but negative self-talk. You know, “I’m awful. I’m worthless. I’m ugly. I suck at this. I’m a fraud. No one will ever love me.” The problem is that this internal monologue has an annoying habit of affecting your external life and there really isn’t a place for it.

It’s these things that stop us in our tracks and keep us in our place not allowing us to venture out and try any new path or things. They are afraid of trying anything new because they have this voice in the back of their head telling them they’re not worthy of awesomeness. I’m telling you right now, you are totally awesome. You can do awesome things. And you have the right to stop listening to negative self-talk.

You have the right, honor, and duty to tell that voice to SHUT UP! It’s hard, I know because I’ve been there. Heck sometimes live there. If truth be told, I think I own a time-share in there. I still find my inner monologue taking a field trip back to Worthlessville from time to time.

When I realize that’s what’s happening, I imagine that little negative voice as a very small figurine. I mentally pick that very small figurine up by the scruff of the neck between my index finger and thumb, and I throw it through the mental wood chipper.

Because no one is going to stop me from being awesome.

Not even myself.

Brick Walls

2011-04-11T08:17:00.003-05:00

The brick walls are not there to keep us out; they are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Having spent 4 weeks housebound gave me the opportunity (not really a choice) to spend sometime IN my head and thus begin to clear some of the cobwebs both externally and eventually internally.

I started with my car. I cleared the clutter, all the stuff that was just there to make my time in the car sort of feel like my home....because I do spend so much time IN my car going places I thought that was important....it felt like it was. Looking at it again, I don't know that honestly I could say that was the truth, but what matters now is that it was time to clear the clutter. I spent about 4 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon cleaning my car like I don't think I ever have. I washed the windows, the doors. I purchased a steering wheel cover, bought new floor mats and even cleaned the seats...trying to erase the 4 year old coffee stains on the passenger car seat. Mostly it looks nice and clean and dare I say.....respectful. Gone are all the homies I had on almost any flat surface, all the doo dads on the ceiling and hanging from the rear view mirror. There is one button left that has my personality and flair but mostly, it's a car anyone would sit in and own. It's like a giant reset button was applied to Fernando (that's his name).My 2003 Ford Focus with 108,000 miles on it has a new lease on life......for now.

Next came the biggest, harder part....my space. I sat staring at those walls of stuff for weeks on end....and came to the conclusion that mostly it was just that...stuff. Stuff cluttering my my space and my vision and ultimately me. So I started a very intense tossing of my stuff. I got a grocery cart from the garage and ruthlessly went through my space. I was actually amazed as I starting picking up things that I couldn't remember the reason why I had them in the first place. What was their purpose? What was the meaning of it all? Upon further thinking and analyzing my process, I decided I tried to create a life for everyone else. I've built my space and my environment so others would like it....I thought if I build it....they will come...

Well I did build it....I built it well and you know what....no one came. Not to say people didn't come over to my house now and then, but really....no one came...no one came and decided it was so amazing that they had to stay....that they had to be a part of it all. Frankly, it probably scared off more than it attracted. One person recently said to me "Your house is like coming into a really cute shop. There's just so much to look at." I know what she was saying, I thought that too but I always thought it's what I wanted....what I needed to be happy and content in my life...but it wasn't....it isn't. It was just another way of cluttering my my exterior to distract I'm guessing from the interior. Ahh, it's so complicated yet so very clear.

When asked "who are you?" we usually give an account of our external circumstances, our name, likes or dislikes, nationality, age, interests, yet it is almost impossible for us to touch on our inner core, what makes us be who we truly are. I recently re-watched the movie Citizen Kane and it really got me thinking....thinking about who we are, what we have and what we choose to fill our lives up with. The movies is a search for Kane's true self that gets pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle through years of memories and stories told by Kane's friends, enemies and lovers and it all revolves around his one dying word: "Rosebud". It's funny, in these times we expect "Rosebud" to mean something huge, or to unearth some deep dying amazing secret and then to feel a little underwhelmed or even cheated when "Rosebud" is finally revealed at the end. The whole point of the film is that it is not a surprise "twist" ending nor does it really reveal anything new or surprising about Kane himself, it is just simply a moment in time, a memory of his that meant something deeply personal and entrusting to who is was and ultimately what he didn't have. That is what life is about, what a person searches for, a series of moments where choices are made and our character is formed, where eternity and time touch and we either become or refuse to be who we truly are. The mystery of a person revolves around his or her capacity for love, both for receiving it but more importantly for giving it. The ending line in the movie said by the main characters best friend sums it up:

That's all he ever wanted out of life... was love. That's the tragedy of Charles Foster Kane. You see, he just didn't have any to give.

Makes me wonder...makes me think....with all this stuff cluttering up my space, what do I have to give? What do I have to get? Learning to let the walls crumble and fall is the first step to having the life we want now instead of waiting for someone else to complete it.

Where we want to be

2011-03-29T19:58:00.002-05:00

I have been having terrible sleep issues lately......I can be completely exhausted and fall right asleep but I tend to wake up between 2 and 3 am and can not go back to sleep to save my life. I try meditating, counting sheep, imagining I'm laying on a beach listening to the ocean but still mind races with all the conditions and issues that I struggle with at every waking moment. If there was only a reboot switch for our minds.

I had this talk with a friend of mine recently stating that I really just want one piece of my life to be in the positive....I want one part to be where I need it to be....I can't really deal with having to fight every single part of my life...but I think to make it work you have to be willing to take a risk.

My father used to say nobody is going to come knocking on your door to hand you anything.....so I guess it comes down to what are you willing to do to get it? That goes for all parts of our life...what are we willing to give to get? We give up time with family and friends to get an education, we give up time with friends and family to start a relationship, we even give that up when we have children and then ultimately find the perfect job. It seems we are always giving up to get....but what if what you have isn't what you want.....can you give back to get back to where you were and start again?

At work we have to do these performance reviews that almost always go fine for me but along with that we have to complete this form talking about our development and to ultimately help us uncover our "sweet spot", the place where it all comes together and we are really happy on all levels of our job. I've always sort of just done this to do it and call it done, never really put much effort into it until last year. Last year I sat with my boss and honestly filled out the form and put a lot of effort and work into finding my sweet spot. I thought I had been moving towards it but lately I'm not feeling it. In doing this AGAIN this year, I decided to start over, not use my same form from the past years, I decided to really put some effort into it. As I was completing it, I couldn't help think.....where is this form for my life....for my personal life.

Where is my sweet spot in life? Not just in my job, but in my life? What do I want from my life, from my waking moments? Do we not want to be balanced and happy in personal life? If your life is a constant struggle how do find ways to improve it. What are your three strengths in your own life? What would your family or friends say are your strengths if they had to "grade" you? What three things do you want to focus on to change or improve and how will you do it?

Is it time we laid out a life plan to get to where we want to be? Is it ever too late to find you way on your own life path?

Words unspoken

2011-03-27T10:46:00.004-05:00

I saw a quote today that said "drunken words spoken are sober truths untold." We get brave enough to say things out loud when we have a little drunken courage. We some how muster up the strength to say things we wouldn't normally say. It's too bad we choose that time to say what's inside us because it can often get muddled.

Sometimes we can't stop once we start...we say more than we mean to and there is no going back once those words pass through your mouth. You can't take back words. Words have power, they can make you feel so differently about things in a matter of seconds. And once you spewed out the words you then must deal with everything else. In a matter of minutes everything changes.

Dealing with the reality of your words requires you to put on your big girl pants and deal with it. You can't expect to say things, to put it all out in the light of day without some sort of reaction, from a person, the Universe or something. You have to be willing to own your words. I think it's important to be honest and to say what you need to. It's also a huge risk ...... to lay it all on the line and to be open and honest really makes a person feel venerable. By saying what you hold deep inside, you risk everything.

I am not normally one who is afraid to say things out loud...but I do hold back saying things unless I'm sure...I'm certain, I'm 100% I know how things will end. I'm not good at putting myself out there unless I know how it will end. Maybe not end but end up. I think about all those movies where the person risks everything to tell someone they are madly in love with them. They pour out their hearts out to that one person and it goes one of two ways....they melt into each others arms and they live happily ever after or they end up alone and broken hearted.

Do we risk that what we fear most in the hopes of the happily ever after? Is there something to keeping those words unspoken?

Thinking for one

2011-03-21T11:59:00.005-05:00

I've always thought of myself as a very independent person. Most of my life I've pretty much had to do things on my own, for myself, not really having someone else to count on or to rely on or to trust will be there whenever I need them....so it always surprises me when this part of me creeps into my world.

Being stuck at home and having to rely on others to get me places has really made me think a little differently about my life. If this is a snapshot of what's to come in my life am I better off just keeping my life as it is or do I just find that someone to join my life so I'm not alone, so I have that other presence/person to rely on? Does it really matter? Do I really need to have that or do I just suck it up and try to learn what it is that I'm suppose to be learning from this whole new way of life I'm forced to live right now?

Seems like the Universe does things for a reason, so there must be a reason I'm going through all this thinking and processing while I'm house bound. What lessons do I need to learn? I realize how very lucky I am that I do have some amazing friends and people in my life that come into my world when I need them. I am very lucky and grateful for that...but somehow there is still this void, this hole, this empty spot that doesn't ever seem to get filled up. I don't know what it will take to fill it but it remains there loud and clear telling me at every moment it can that it's still there and vacant and still waiting to be filled.

Sometimes it's louder than normal and forces me to acknowledge it...other times it's like a low chirping in the background just there but not really THERE. It feels like sometimes we are pushing boulders up a hill....we work and sweat and struggle to get them all at the top only to push them down to watch them easily roll down to the bottom and then, up the hill again we go....why not just leave them there? Why do I think I have to keep rolling them up the hill?

Sometimes I think we make life so much harder that it has to be. That we become our own worst enemies and we put up all these road blocks and conditions to our own happiness. We must learn to become our own supporters. We spend so much time building up walls and we keep doing that until we meet that one person who can finally either climb over the walls or bust through them enough to let us know they are there. Is that what we really want?

Being housebound has me doing a lot more thinking of myself and my life as it is...not as I want it to be or hope it would be but as it IS. It's a little humbling to see things as they are right now and not wonder is this good enough? Is there room for more? Do I need more?

Thinking for one....your table is ready.

Separated but connected

2011-02-07T10:28:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I feel so disconnected from everything around me. I am in the midst of a crowd, I am engaged, talking, moving, but in one blink of an eye I suddenly feel completely alone and disconnected from where I am. This confuses me greatly.

For instance, I arrive late to my team meeting that consists of about 15 people. I am slightly late so I am sort of banished to the back of the room in what I call the "time out" chair. There is no room in at the main table for me, nor is there a chair. There is however, 6/8 chairs that sit alone with a little table top and I sit in it feeling giant in a tiny chair and at the same time small and invisible as I sit at the back of the space staring blindly at the table full of people that seem fully engaged.

I could scoot right up to the table and force myself into this group, I've done that, but something sits in my gut that is just letting me feel the separation and the gap in my connection. Is it because I need to learn a lesson? Is it that I have to force myself to re-think or engage differently? Maybe....or maybe it's just my time to try to figure out what it really means?

I've often felt alone in a crowd....like I am here but not really HERE. I have discussed this several times with trained professionals, friends and random strangers....the conclusion is always the same...figure out what's missing. Learning to be present in our own lives is hard.

A friend of mine recently said to me "you always are living in the past or the future and you forget to live in the present." That's true, I can't deny it. But I'm not sure how to change that. There are many things I liked about my past that I wish I could keep, could hold on to, could continue to have but clearly the Universe has decided it's not to be because things have moved past that point. Then I plan for the future...I look ahead, I try to work with purpose and determination towards where I want to go, who I want to be, what I want to have...but then it makes me forget the present, the here and now.

I am focused now on my upcoming vacation. Everything I am doing in the next few weeks is around the fact that I will be gone for a week. So every meeting, every social event, every work schedule is based around when I won't be here....the future. So my present is muddled by my future. I can't really do much about the past except miss it..or laugh at it...or be glad it's just that - my past and hope I don't make the same mistakes moving forward...so again....the future. I try not to dwell on the past as I move ahead but how do you find the balance between the then and the now?

I remember as a kid, we always looked forward to things like spring break, or Christmas break, or anytime we were away from school...then when we were off we looked ahead, with some sort of dread, at the time we had to go back. No one really teaches us how to live in the moment. To be in this very place and time with purpose and conviction. As a matter of fact it's exhausting my brain right this very minute as I try to contemplate how exactly to do that.

How can I be where I am when I am always planning where I need to be? Good question isn't it. How can I remain separated from planning and learning to live?

Learning to let go

2011-01-28T12:42:00.003-06:00

The older we get, the more set in our own ways and habits we become. If find I am less willing to change things, habits, routines, work processes as I get older. I mean, it's worked fine this long, why spend all the energy and time on changing it...right? It's hard to let things go. I can't seem to get on that path of letting things go...I hang on to them like a dog and a ratty old bone.

Recently my job has me re-evaluating this thought. I personally have always taken pride and ownership of the work I do. I want it to be the best it can be, I work hard to be sure it's right, to be as error free as possible, to feel proud of what I've done. My thought is I'd like to be able to look back at the end of my day and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride over what I've just spent the last 8/10/12 hours of my life doing...but lately it seems like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. That what I do doesn't really matter......and that's kind of hard. I have to let it go.

Currently my position is as assistant editor of our internal intranet. I edit other people's work and I am also responsible for some new and hopefully EXCITING content from time to time. Occasionally I am asked to write something new and other times I am asked to write a recap article on an event that has taken place.

Recently there was a one hour meeting where some key leaders shared their thoughts and opinions on the external marketplace and how it affects our business. I was charged with writing a recap article on this event keeping it to about 300 words for the leaders providing links to the documentation and back up materials and another, higher level overview, for the general masses that were not at the meeting. It was a challenge and I spent probably about 5 hours on the 300 word recap article as I had to listen to the audio playback 3 times trying to capture the key points and quotes....then another few hours expanding that for the general masses. Within a few hours the two articles came back to me COMPLETELY different from where I even started. I questioned why I was even writing them in the beginning but then after all that time and energy put into them to have them come back as these new forms was kind of.....disturbing.

It's not that I care it's not really my words...I'm not really that invested in that piece of it...it's just so disappointing to me that I seem to spend endless hours doing this work that ultimately means absolutely nothing. I don't feel like I am contributing or creating anything that really means anything. I guess I don't feel like I'm making any kind of input or adding value in any way and it's kind of frustrating to me. I mean, I should just let things go....just do what is asked of me, stop questioning, stop trying harder, stop wanting it to be something more than what it really is.

I think that's an over arching feeling/message in every part of my life right now. Both personally and professionally I feel like I'm not really adding any value to the bigger picture. I feel like a gerbil on a wheel...I just keep running and running and running and yet I'm always in the same place. It's funny how something like a recap article can stir up this deep thinking.

How do you come to terms with the life you ultimately have in front of you? How do you just keep on keeping on doing this process day after day after day when you don't find the value in it? How do you let go and learn to just keep going?

Trusting your dreams

2011-01-07T13:16:00.002-06:00

I dream is a wish your heart makes.

If that's true, I got some problems! I have been having the weirdest dreams lately and I'm trying like heck to figure out their meaning. I don't always remember all the details but I know they have been crazy lately because I remember when I wake up immediately how weird I think they are and soon the details fade but the knowledge that they were weird or the unknown meaning behind them lingers on.

I sometimes have dreams I am on amazing adventures, place or people I will never really be with and other times, they are filled with people from my past I've even forgotten about until they suddenly re-materialize in my dreams. Weird.

Last night may have been the biggest puzzler for me. I dreamed I worked at a magazine as a writer, not such a stretch because I am kind of a writer now...., well more of a in between editor/writer/fact finder, anyway, I was a writer at this magazine and we were at a staff meeting all sitting around the table and the people were people I haven't thought about, seen or even remembered until they were sitting there in my dream. I remember being so confused thinking what in the heck they were doing there but everyone seemed to belong....we all seemed to have worked together for a long time and we were all working on the same sort of end goal. I just remember not being able to really focus or do what I needed to do. So I goggled it.....

To see people you know in your dream, signifies qualities and feelings of them that you desire for yourself. If these people are from your past, then the dream refers to your shadow and other unacknowledged aspects of yourself.

It may represent a waking situation that is bringing out similar feelings from your past relationships. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.

So....it appears there is a meaning behind it. Apparently I am in need of the traits they have in myself...I can see that. I can appreciate that. Even though they may not have been my favorite people, from a work standpoint I can accept that. Also it's telling me that what is happening now is similar or is bringing up the same feelings I had at the time I worked with those other people.

Our minds are a very interesting place. I just need to lean back and trust they will catch me.

Thinking is hard

2011-01-05T13:34:00.001-06:00

Sometimes just slowing down and focusing on thinking BEFORE doing or reacting is way harder than the actual act. My mom always used to say "think before you speak" - never really understood the value in that as a child but as an adult, I kinda get it. As an adult, well a person old enough to BE an adult, I kinda get it.

The very act of thinking about things before they actually happen is exhausting. In your mind you can play through every single scenario before it actually happens and think about or craft together a response...even though that probably won't really be how it ends up...it's like a dress rehearsal. You can plan for everything before but when the moment actually comes, your real "at-that-moment" feelings and emotions will come into play and it won't go down as you have planned but it's kind of exhausting to keep trying it.

I read my horoscope for the year from some website I found while surfing, it said to prepare for this year because my planets are going to align like never before and I should be prepared to accept what it is I said I'm ready for.

In one way I find it highly exhilarating to think that all I've been thinking about and hoping for and wanting is finally going to be MY time to grab it and on the other hand, am I ready? According to the stars, things are going to align like never before thanks to Venus moving someplace in the system that will apparently open some astrological doors for me and that will in turn make my life, my love life and my career start moving in forward directions as never before.

I'd like to say I'm ready, but that tiny part of me that loves to say NO is trying to be heard...actually shouting at me but I keep trying to push it away. I'm ready....I'm ready for things to be propelled in a forward motion, come what may. After all, how bad can it really be?

Turning the page

2011-01-04T12:37:00.002-06:00

So with the new year comes the idea that life can start over new. That you can wave good-bye to the past and start fresh. It's time to turn the page of that tired old book, the entire page, not just dog-ear it, but turn it and move on.

It's so simple to say. At the beginning of the year you feel re-charged and empowered and in total control of your thoughts and feelings, but as things come at you and begin to chip away at your newly adorned coat of armour, it gets harder and harder to keep that momentum going and that positive intent intact.

I am a firm believer in two things:

You get what you give - meaning if you do good, you get good. Maybe not right away, but overall. If you treat people the way you want to be treated, overall that is what you get.
The Universe always gives you what you need even if you don't know it at the time.

These two principals guide my thoughts and actions most of the time. I'd like to say ALL the time but the reality is, sometimes I think I know better and let's face it....I don't.

I keep thinking how easy it is to manage keeping the positive thoughts flowing on a minute to minute basis. Every time I start to feel that old negativity and what I call "no-no" thoughts creeping in, I just stop, breath and try to re-focus. It's not easy and I'm not sure how long it will or can last but it's worth trying. You get what you give....so I am giving it my best attempt...I just have to keep walking the walk....and hopefully the talk will come.

It's funny, I wrote, or started to write an article for my quarterly IAAP newsletter on clearing the clutter...how to get rid of stuff and create a harmonious living space and as I was writing it, I wandered off onto clearing the clutter from not just your external space but your internal space too. Such as taking time to meditate and clear your mind of the "clutter". Not to over-book yourself or cut out the things that aren't "productive" to yourself or your life. I realized how easy it is to write that and suggest that to others but to incorporate it into your own life is much different.

Guess I should really read the pages of my own life.

Is there a forest through the trees?

2011-01-03T12:25:00.005-06:00

Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back over this last year so many things seem really obvious to me now. Things I should have done differently, said, not said, worn, not worn...you get the idea. So many things happened and at the time I couldn't understand the reason, the purpose, the idea behind them.

It was a year of a lot of changes out of my control. No one likes that but I especially have a hard time with that. I lost a beloved family member in January and throughout the year I had a few other endings that really affected me and took some time to settle into my soul, to let me really feel them. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy. Mostly all out of my control but I had a hand in their demise to a point. You can only ever control yourself, your reaction, your feelings about things, but sometimes, unknown to even us, we do things to drive away friends, lovers, co-workers and even family. Sometimes, without even realizing the damage we do, we drive a wedge that is pretty hard to get past.

Looking back it's a little easier to see some of the wrong choices I made - would I change them if I could? Of course the answer is yes, but really, they happened for a reason, a lesson is to be learned from all of it in the end I suppose, but at this very moment, it's hard to say it's a good lesson. I think we are who we are suppose to be because of the choices we make. Some good, some bad, but overall, we become or evolve into the person we are at this very moment based on the choices we've made before. All we can do is to hope to learn from them and to make better ones going forward.

I can't focus on what I've done or didn't do. I can't live in that pool of maybe...maybe if I'd said this then this would have happened, or if I did this then this wouldn't have happened...it did. It's done - no use focusing on what was...all we have is what is...what will be, what MIGHT be. All I can do is look at the here and now and try to do the best I can as I move forward onto the 2011 path.

I had coffee with a friend and we joked that this was our year of "doing it." We declared it so at a Caribou on a cold winter's morning and I am going to do my best to focus on that mantra and make that happen. The year of "doing it" has begun.

To start us off on the right foot we are going to have a little ceremony....we discussed it in general terms and then we got an email from our Yoga studio we love , and they are doing the same thing only a little bigger so we are now adopting it and doing it to....the burning bowl ceremony, this practice helps externalize the internal.

The Burning bowl Ceremony is very simple, you take two pieces of paper one white and one purple. The White piece of paper is for writing down something or some quality that you would like to "give away", things that you want to release, in the upcoming month/year. Write down regrets, negative thoughts, bad habits, grudges, destructive relationships and any other anchors to the past, inhibiting ideas and practices which stifle you.

The Purple piece of paper is for writing down the new things you want to receive into your life or some quality that you want to manifest in the up coming month/year to replace the old things you are releasing.

The purple paper with the new things you desired in your life will be folded up, sealed, and put into a manila envelope. The envelope will be sealed and reopened later.

You will then light the white piece of paper with a candle and then place the burning paper into a pot. Once the paper is in the pot, turn way and never look back at the paper, which is definitely symbolic of letting go.

By doing this, we become aware of what we wish to "give away" and what we want to receive in our lives. Through this practice we may realize that this life is truly filled with blessings that have been awaiting our acceptance.

So I encourage you all to do the same. May this year be filled with amazing things for us all!

New year, new choices

2010-12-30T10:07:00.002-06:00

On the cusp of a new year, it's time to make some choices. To choose a path that will take me into the new year and start me off on a path/journey/adventure that is bound to be better that this last year. Coming into 2010 I had some worries for the year. Coming off off of my year of NO RULES (2009 was fine!) I had some expectations for 2010 but no plan. That's probably the bigger issues....expectations are just that...but a plan puts into motion your own actions towards an outcome. So....with just a few days left of this year, I've got to get together a "plan."

I love the whole concept of "New Year, New You." I've always been a big believer that some how, magically, at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve your world could change. That something magical was in the air and some how with the tick of that clock your world could change. I always had belief in New Years....but no mater what, the clock is going to move forward, the new day will dawn and it's totally up to me to make anything else happen.

I guess maybe the oversight comes when we forget to honor our past, where we've come from, what we've dealt with, what we've managed to get over, through or survive. That is, to celebrate the old in ourselves! What do we choose to keep in our life? What do we want to change or release? I don't think we need to start everything over but maybe make some better choices of what we do decide to keep IN our life.

"The opposite of old is not young, the opposite of old is new. As long as we continue to experience the new, we will inhabit all that we are."

So are we looking for a new life or some new experiences? We have the opportunity to change. I think it's time I choose to go forward with inspiration and adventure! Here's to a new year full of fun, laughter, adventure and unexpected surprises!

2011 is going to be THE year!

Magical time of the year

2010-12-24T11:44:00.002-06:00

Well here we are, on the edge of yet another holiday. The Christmas spirit surrounds us and even if we wanted to stop it from coming, it's here...tomorrow. Multitudes of people will awaken Christmas morning, rush to their trees and find that the magic of the season has come and they will tear into unknown wrapped treasures until there is nothing left but shreds of paper.

I miss those moments. I miss the magic of childhood, the joy of the tree sprinkled in presents, the hope that just what I asked for was waiting for me, hidden under the tree. Somehow the magic of the season fades away when you get older and are no longer surrounded by young ones. It feels like just another day.....except if you come across other people, they are a little kinder, gentler, nicer.....for the day.

I've been working retail this year and I forget how frazzled people get trying to get that "perfect" gift. How irrational they become over the exclusions of a coupon and how manic they get when the gift they wanted is no where to be found. Ahh, the commercialism of the holidays has certainly taken it's toll on the masses.

This year is kind of my year off. I don't know if it's the lack of income, the fact that I am working retail and can't hardly bare to enter a mall or the fact that I feel kinda grinchy but I am looking forward to Christmas being over. Forget the magic, forget the presents....just bring on the new year with new possibilities laid out before me without all the baggage of this last year.

I wish we could to a point where it isn't about the packages and bows as much as it is about people being kinder to each other. Boss's understanding the value of paying employee's a fair salary for a hard day's work, for partners to love and respect each other all times of the year and children learning the value of love and worry less about stuff....but that's not our culture, that's now who we are.....who we have created our society to be. I suppose we can do that for ourselves but ultimately we can't change that for others.

I'm making plans for this next year that will hopefully have me sitting here next year at this time marveling over the year I am leaving behind. Fondly looking back at a year that was full of amazing things.

So as the Christmas music turns into a distant memory and the presents we thought we could live without find a home in a forgotten part of our homes, may the new year bring with it all the good and amazing things we need.

A farewell to can't

2010-12-15T12:10:00.002-06:00

Dear can't:

Saying goodbye to you does not make me sad. I will not miss you as much as you think I will. I want to find out what it feels like to live in the CAN DO world. I want to know what it feels like to do the unthinkable, to be able to look at the long hard challenges in front of me and be willing to go for it. Our relationship certainly has had it's ups and downs, mostly downs, but I believe you have served your purpose and thus, I must say goodbye to you.

From now on the difficult tasks will seem less difficult, I will see the road before me as a choice, and option, a place I want to be rather than something that is undoable or stressful. I will see the impossible tasks as simply possible.

So good-bye to you my friend, hopefully our paths will not cross again, but if they should, I hope you will see I am in a better place, partially because of you but mostly because I have learned and grown and really have become the best "me" I can possibly be.

Farewell Can't......hello Can.

*************************************************************************************

Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you
can’t change. Kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances give
everything and have no regrets.

Life is too short to be anything but happy!
*************************************************************************************

Learning to get to the now

2010-11-28T11:21:00.002-06:00

Sometimes life gets in the way of what it is we really want. It seems like it's an endless race and someone keeps moving the finish line. Sometimes I really miss the innocence of youth. The belief in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny....that magical moment in time when there was something outside our own bubble that really gave me something to look forward to.

The older I get, I realize you have less magical moments to believe in. I wonder what changes that for a person. Is is a job, a partner, money? Is it tied to a time of the year or something deeper, way inside of us? Does the Universe really put things in our path when we need them. Is there really some merit to unanswered prayers? I mean, if we really got all that we ask for all the time, would we really appreciate anything? Don't we really value and appreciate the things we've worked hard for.....including the people we fight to keep in our lives.

Sometimes we have to learn to live in the here and now. Not to say we shouldn't focus on the future, but sometimes we have to accept what we can't control and just live in the now. I’ve noticed that the happier I feel, the less attached I am to outcomes. Instead of trying to acquire money, possessions, or other external things, my focus has shifted to self-expression, what I can control, what I can change.

I'm exhausted from focusing on what I don't have right now, feeling like I'm stuck in the same situation and sacrificing everything for the hope of a better tomorrow....like I'm running on a treadmill. I'm learning there is no "someday" and there is only right now. So it's time to make that move to the here and now....to today....to making choices that enhance and move my life forward....that stop holding you in one place that you can't seem to get out of.

Here's to the now....and leaving the past in the past.

And so it begins...or actually ends

2010-11-15T14:10:00.002-06:00

It's bound to happen. Relationships end, friends lose touch, family moves apart. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy.

I have been fighting for so long to hang on to the things I want in my life. Like a mountain climber clutching the side of a mountain for dear life, I have dug my nails into the things I want so badly that I didn't see them crumbling right out from under me until suddenly (or that's how it seems) they have fallen apart. They are gone and I'm not sure I can get them back.

Mostly for me I've realized as I've gotten older, there is SO little we have control over. We can't control the weather or other people or - well, pretty much anything. We really have control over so very little in our own lives. I know it's not how we act but how we REACT to things. It's all in our attitude, our perception our whatever, but frankly....I'm kinda not really digging the fact that I seem to keep dealing with "endings" of one form or another.

I was happy and content in my life. I woke up everyday and did the same thing over and over to the point that people could and did call me predictable. Then something inside me decided that life wasn't good enough any longer so I pulled up stakes and changed my life pretty drastically.

At first it was all shiny and new and I was again happy and content. Then again, one day I woke up to discover that once again, it wasn't enough, there was something missing....something not quite right with who I was and where I was so I again made changes. Again I was happy and content but had this weird sort of heightened sense of reality that this too won't last. As soon as I am comfortable and happy with my madness, this too will change....and slowly over the last year it's happened again. This time however, seemed to be a shorter amount to time that spanned between the "I'll make changes and everything will be good again" and "wow, this isn't what I want at all, something has to change" time frame.

Is it because I'm older and dare I say "wiser"? Is it because I've had some things come into my life over the last year that I really wanted to stay and without my control, they have slowly dwindled and left without me making that decision? Or is it because I'm deciding much quicker that I don't have to wait for things to change, I can go ahead and make that happen? Either way, it's happening faster and thus...it begins again...but really that means things I like/enjoy/want in my life are ending and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I think we had an amazing summer/fall this year and I loved that until this very last weekend, we were coat less and open toe shoes were still being strutted about like it was the middle of July. All of a sudden, we have gone into the boot/closed toe season and I feel like I wasn't quite ready. Is it because I fought it? I stubbornly dug my proverbial head in the sand and refused to accept that summer/fall was indeed over? All I know is here I sit, the middle of November, reflecting back on this year and trying like hell to not COMPARE it, but to look at it for what it was/is and how little time is left to try to make it be something that won't feel like a complete black hole of suckyness to end this year.

I feel really disappointed by this year. I had high hopes for it...I mean I was coming into this year with hope and anticipation and plans of it being a continuation of the last year and planned on riding that high through this year. I wanted not only my personal relationships to grow and flourish but I really thought my professional life would grow and bloom in many new ways that would not only enhance me from a challenging work focused perspective, but a financial one as well. I imagined I would finally be in a place of respect and financial wellness for myself that is LONG overdue and again, without my control, none of that really happened. Oh I was given new "opportunities", that's always good, but opportunities need to have rewards for a person on a personal level as well as a financial level and I don't know how to mesh that up when I have no control over it. It's just....disappointing.

Also, it's been a hard year for some of my very close friends...there have been job losses, long term relationships that ended and new additions to already stressed families and I want to help them all but find that by trying to maintain everyone else's life, it drains my life immensely and nothing is in place to refill that for me. I'm like that little buoy that's tied out to a mile marker that serves a purpose but no one is sure exactly what it is - but it is important.

And now the holidays are upon us. I reflect on all I'm really thankful for: family, friends, my health, my jobs.....I'm lucky. I'm super lucky, but yet, there is this huge missing piece, this huge open part that doesn't seem to have any place. How do you try to fix what you can't even see?

I miss the relationships I had last year, I feel responsible for the loss because I've been pretty self focused trying to figure out whatever path it is I'm suppose to be on and the harder I try to find it, the more confused it seems to be and thus I've ended up losing some relationships because a person only has so much to give. My well is dry. I miss those people that I could just BE myself with, that do simple things like having a coffee or seeing a movie was enough. Feels like everything has to be a bigger production - schedules have to be coordinated, families have to be notified and all the life changes have pulled us away from each other either because of relationship additions, complications or moving far away.

And so it begins...the ending that I've been fighting to not have happen...is actually happening right in front of me and down I fall.....to the bottom of the mountain only to pick myself up and try again.

All glitter, no guts

2010-11-02T13:13:00.003-05:00

I love glitter, sparkle, bling....shiny objects. It catches my eye and makes me happy. I realize however, there is a fine line between tasteful bling and over the top "Oh my God how old does she think she is" glitter and bling. I also realize, that it takes on another layer when you get older. The whole glitter thing becomes something bigger than just the surface level sparkle you see.....all glitter and not guts doesn't really work.

If your going to do something, I say do it well. Don't half way do it, go into it with guns blazing and really give it 110%. I was talking to a co-worker who had just come from a meeting where she was trying to engage people in the idea of a new program. I don't know the details of the program, but she was trying to get buy-in from the group. She was trying to get everyone moving in the same direction and she said it's got "sparkle". She was describing this new potential program and repeatedly said it's got "sparkle". Finally someone said, "OK...but when the sparkle fades, what are we left with?" It's like you have to suddenly be brave with your mistakes and somehow keep on moving forward.

Sometimes it feels like life is all dependant on one moment. One single defining moment in time. We rush to grow up, to fall in love, to get that ring on our finger that says we are someone, that we matter, we belong, we are. Is life really wrapped inside a diamond ring?

We grow up learning to make wishes....we wish on falling stars, we close our eyes and wish with all our might as we blow out our birthday candles, we even make a wish and throw a penny in a fountain. What have you got to lose by wishing - right? Isn't wishing just a way for us to step outside our comfort zone? To look outside ourselves and want more, want what we don't have yet. To be brave and venture out onto a path we haven't yet walked on? The worst thing you've done is make a mistake, just make another wish. Isn't it time we learn to be brave with our own mistakes?

I like being first. The first one to open a jar of peanut butter, the first one in line at the coffee pots, the first one to be some where....being first. I feel like if I'm there first I get the choice of what I want, where I want to sit and mostly then I won't miss anything. That feels critical to me. Like if you don't want to be left behind. Maybe that's what the sparkle is for? To attract things to you. Who can avoid it? It's got a magnetic feel and pull to it. Even if your not a fan of it, you can't help but notice it.

It's time I suppose to put it all way, to pass it onto the younger generation of would-be's and forge onto a path that is uncluttered and unblinged and see what happens. What color is your life? When the sparkle fades, what are we left with?

It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been trying like hell to live my life with a sparkle effect....or bling-attude (if that isn't a word it should be!) and I thought wow....what do you do when your left with out something to distract, to deflect, to veer away from the reality of life?

What do you do when that's all gone?

Taking control

2010-10-21T08:49:00.002-05:00

I realize in the span of our own lives there is so little we have actual control over so it shouldn't surprise me that when you give a person an inch to have some control they run with it like a squirrel storing food for the winter. Give them an inch and almost always, they take a mile.

People never cease to amaze me. They always want more, different...they want the world to revolve around them and the minute they get it they kinda go a little bonkers. I'm of course including myself in that mess - we really are quite complicated individuals!

I've always said I hate being alone, I hate having time alone, by myself and so I do things to be sure that doesn't happen but after a few weeks of running at warp speed I get exhausted and cranky and wonder why I don't have any control over my life. I do whatever I can to keep moving, to keep being out there because that seems to matter...it makes me feel like I matter so I run, I run at warp speed until I hit the proverbial wall.

One of my pet peeves is when people say YES to something only to cancel at the last minute or not even show up and yet I've been doing that lately for a few reasons:

I'm over committing my time - I apparently can't say YES to everything
I have no real control over my time like I used to, work is kind of my master right now
Frankly I'm kind of exhausted

I always joke about the fact that I want/need someone to take care of me for a while but really, that's not the answer. The answer is balance, which I am pretty bad at. I need to find a way to balance all the chatter in my head and heart screaming at me that it hates being alone and home and balance that with all the things I've said yes to....things I enjoy, people I enjoy spending time with, and hopefully someone new and important to spend my time with. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I keep pushing myself thinking I'll get to that next point, that next place and I'm wondering if that place doesn't really exist anywhere except in fairy tales or in my own messed up mind.

We all have those moments that someone says something or something happens that makes us go Whoa...wait...what!? That's not me. I call those a "brick in the windshield" moment. It sometimes takes a brick in the windshield to make us stop and take pause....to look at our own self in the same way others are seeing us. Sometimes it hurts....because we have our own walls of denial and security we have built up around us and suddenly we have to see ourselves in a new light and sometimes its a brick in the windshield moment.

Life is nothing if it's not constantly a learning experience. All we can do is try...to keep moving we need to take control of our own lives, thoughts and time and just do the best we can. After all, we are only here for a short time, why not enjoy the ride?

What is perfect

2010-10-13T07:14:00.003-05:00

We all strive to be the best we can be, to be the shining star - to be perfect. We try hard in school, at work, in life and we want others to see us and think of us a perfect but the reality is we all have our flaws.

I admit I get caught in my own little bubble of imperfections. I look at myself and I only see what is wrong with me, what I need to change and if your lucky (I sure am!) you get lots of other people around you who are always willing to tell you what you need to change about yourself too.
Today I kinda got sidetracked....I've been at work since very early, so I was in before the cafeteria opens - usually I am one of the first through so I almost never have to see people or even fight them to get my coffee, but there are the few times I'm off schedule and I have to deal. Today, although I wasn't off schedule, I had to deal...I never like having to deal in the morning...but I did.

Along the way I encountered some of the regular morning people I see and some new faces, there is apparently a "school" in today. Three different people stopped me to tell me I had - and I quote "perfect hair". PERFECT HAIR! I'll admit, the first time I was like....have some coffee...your still sleeping lady but the second time I kinda paused and said "really" - "seriously". It kinda added a little pep in my step. Then the third time I was like...."wow...I am soooo rocking this Wednesday!" ha ha. I don't really think my hair, or frankly anything about me is perfect but it's nice to get that little burst of validation without asking for it.

A person could get used to that kind of treatment.

It's a ride not a fight

2010-09-30T08:49:00.002-05:00

Everyday we get up, we try to start our day with the best intentions. I always think "today is the day everything is going to change". Then I get out into the world and I feel small and insignificant and I have no power to change anything. I just sort of react, exist, manage everything around me. Feels like everything I attempt is a fight, an uphill climb. Isn't it strange how the littlest things can really change who we are?

It's exhausting to always wish you were someone else. I wonder if we ever settle into the fact that we are who we are and we have the life we have and it's OK. The point of life, of living is to grow and want more....but there is probably a difference between wanting more and needing more. It seems acceptable to want more from life but if we spend all our time and energy NEEDING more then it makes you wonder....what's missing?

Do we ever get those missing pieces of ourselves? If we keep looking, keep searching keep trying to get that missing piece, do we ever really ever feel complete? Do we ever get that piece of the puzzle and feel really content with what we have and where we are?

Developing as a person doesn't really mean you have to become someone completely different but it's more about personal development. Growing as a person forces us to build upon the foundation that we already have. Some days it feels a little harder than others, but it helps to have goals or to see the bigger picture. We can easily accept where we are starting from but it's where we want to end up that can totally muddle things up.

It's like walking in between sunset and sunrise. We get so tied up in our day, our own lives that we lose sight of where we are trying to go....walking in between. It's time to choose a path, to stop stumbling through life. It's time to let things go, to stop waiting. It's time to start moving in some direction again. I miss who I was before. I have been living this year in a pause mode, I guess technically it's not really living if your paused. This year feels like there was lots of pausing, waiting, and looking for the rewind button. I think it's time to change that remote and just get going.

Time to put my oars back in the water and begin rowing again - after all, it should be a ride, not a fight.

All we are is what we are

2010-09-21T12:27:00.004-05:00

It seems like life moves at warp speed. We grow up always trying to be someone. Trying to be something more than what we are. We practice to be better at music or sports or whatever, but really all we are is what we are.

Each day is a start again to try it all over. All we can do is the best we can. We waste hours, days, weeks focusing on trying to be more, to be better, to be something more than we are, trading hours for something new because we think we don't have enough just as we are. Wasted time.

In the end how much of it really matters because as much as we want it to, nothing really stays the same. Life is about constant changing, most of it not within our control. All we are is what we are.

It seems that just as we get settled and content in life a change occurs. A partner leaves, your job changes, friends leave, divorce happens....something comes in to change it. It's not always bad or negative, it just is.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you and you don't even see it coming. Suddenly and without warning, you're surrounded by the best friends you've ever known. You're waking up in the mornings just "dying" to get into the day. There's a lightness in your step and a gleam in your eye. Your thinking is new, your laughter frequent, and you're drawn to tears whenever you hear happy tales. You're on a roll, so it's not like you're thinking about it, but if you were to think about it, you wouldn't know what's gotten into you, nor would you recall just when. You'd only shake your head whenever you thought of how quickly everything can change.

It's about learning to keep our oars in the water....to keep moving no matter what's happening. I recently left my part time job at my apartment complex and things were really good there for a long time and when things changed to the point that it was no longer a FUN place to work I had to walk away. It was like tearing off a band-aide off a wound that is not yet healed. It's hard for me to walk away from the past....maybe it’s because I’m crazy, maybe it’s because I can’t honestly figure out what I want? It’s not enough to just stand still and wait for things to happen, you have to go after them. You have to keep moving, keep growing, keep changing, keep looking for that next adventure, friend – life experience to keep you rowing in some direction.

Just something to remember the next time you don't see something coming.

Getting Lost to Be Found

2010-09-14T09:15:00.002-05:00

"The only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!

So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun."

So it's like you have to be at the bottom to reach the top. It's like you have to give up all hope, all thought, all anything to get what you want?

Seems counter productive to the whole process of perseverance doesn't it? I am often confused by the messages the Universe sends my way. Why does it send you people, or moments or put you in place to have these moments that suddenly turn into "ah ha" moments or "light bulb" moments for you and then take it all away from you? What exactly is the lesson there?

I have been thinking a lot about all the stuff we accumulate over a lifetime...not just the mental and emotional baggage we tend to save, but all the actual, physical stuff we accumulate. Clothes, possessions, furniture, tables, lamps.....stuff. I looked around my house this weekend and realized I have accumulated so much stuff that I don't need yet I don't feel like I am ready to just get rid of it all.

Part of me is really, really tempted to empty out my life, to discard all that I have worked hard to collect. I feel like I worked hard to create a life, a space for my life but yet nothing seems to fit here. Like I collected all this stuff hoping somehow my life would blossom into something bigger, something to fit my space and yet it hasn't, it remains empty and quiet and for as much stuff as I have squashed into my space, it feels bare. A house is only a house...a place to store stuff. I have some weird attachment to my "stuff" but suddenly, it's like I'm seeing things for the first time and I don't want this stuff anymore, I don't want this baggage, or this life that it seems to be crying out for but will never happen.

It seems like we spend all this time and energy creating a life, a space, a home and really, it doesn't matter all that much. That old saying....it doesn't matter what kind of car you drove, how much money you had, all that matters is that you were important in the life of someone.

So it begs the question.....are you important in the life of someone?

What we really want

2010-09-02T10:16:00.004-05:00

I wonder if we ever get to a point in our life where we no longer want. We no longer wish for the good old days back, we accept where we are, the path we have chosen and accept that we really have no control or say over life. Do we ever become OK and content with the life we have? Is that what most people would call a "normal" life or is it settling for what we have? When do we give up the fight and just keep living? Why does it feel like we have to have either/or?

I wonder, if we knew then what we know now, would we change anything about our lives or the decisions we made in moment? Would we change what we said, did, wore - wouldn't that change who we are now? Sometimes we learn and grow from the experiences we go through, the heartbreaks, the fun, the things that leave scars on our hearts. If we knew then what we know now would we really choose a different path? Isn't who we are right now based on all we have experienced thus far? I realize there are some really painful things that come upon us and crush our souls from the inside out, but really, it's who we are. Who would we be without that experience?

I think we are all put here for a reason, the more we struggle, search and hunt for that "reason" the more elusive it becomes. It's like a greased pig, every time you think you have your arms around it, it slips out and runs away. I think sometimes you just have to settle into a life, a routine a system and everything will work out like it's suppose to. If we let go and stop fighting it's easier. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen - right?

We spend a good part of our life trying on all these different masks of who we think we are suppose to be. It seems to be an elusive search for the one that is US, the one that is who we are. Cardboard masks of all the people we have been, we end up throwing them away over and over again, continuing to search for the one that fits us.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you are willing to give anything to get it? What are you willing to do for it? I think we have days where we feel like we can change who we are and we begin to move in that direction, we move onto a new path and we push forward and forge into a new direction and unless we are true to who we are it's short-lived, no matter how hard we try to hang on to it. I've learned that you can't control things, you can't hold on to things that really aren't meant to be. In the whole scheme of things, we have very little control over things. We really can manage or control our reaction or feelings to things around us. Sometimes it's overwhelming and it's easier to give up and other days we feel empowered to change the world.

Even if it's our own small little corner of it.

Finding our value

2010-08-31T08:26:00.006-05:00

I read somewhere that the path to true happiness is often blocked by our own self. That we are our own worst enemies. It went on to say that we, in a sense, have to lose our mind to be happy. Well if that is true, I should have been happy a long time ago!

I did find out later in the book what the author meant by that. When we were small children we experienced life very differently, that everyday was a new adventure and as we got older we stopped experiencing things in that same way. Our minds started to define and categorize all the experiences and events that happened to us and around us. We learned to be self critcal and judmental of not only ourselves, but those around us. The bottom line was we needed to live life in the "Here and Now" we need to go back to experiencing the world around us on a day to day basis as we did before we got all hardened and jaded by life.

Just like a child's first step out on the lawn, the pointy blades of grass tickle us and it's a new wonderful experience. When was the last time you experienced that sensation? I was talking to a friend last night and we discussed how we don't see things about ourselves that others do. Like the way we go out of our way to give to others, to help, to be kind, to do what we would want someone to do for us...but it seems like normal behavior to us so we don't see it as something bigger than that. We don't see our own value. Does this mean we are missing our purpose? Are we so blinded by our own self that we can't see our purpose?

By finding your purpose in life you find your connection to the bigger picture. To the bubble outside of your own. For me it is by doing random acts of kindness and hoping that those acts of kindness are being paid forward. Finding things that bring you joy and happiness and then doing that for others. Hoping they then find that within themselves and do the same. It's knowing that you have helped someone and brought a little light into their world. Also by getting out in nature and enjoying a nice sunny day will help you appreciate what beauty there is in the world around you. Sometimes just being aware of our own surroundings make us more connected.

All of this doesn't happen over night. It takes a long time and lots of bad choices along the way to guide you to the place that puts you on the right path. It also comes with learning to change your frame of mind from the negative to the positive and seeing things in a different light. That is so easy to write but really, really difficult to do in life. For me especially, I have been spending so much energy focused on what I miss that I have probably missed so many opportunities right in front of me. I've said it before and I will say it again....it's hard to be an adult!

Life is a constantly moving ride. If you don't keep your hands inside at all times you will have a price to pay. Thinking back on life as a kid where all you had to do was learn to tie your shoes, ride a bike or learn to swim, that was easy. Someone did your laundry, made you dinner - well, sometimes, but overall, you were takend care of. You didn't have to think. Life was easy, you rode your bike, played at the park and things like a ride on the see-saw was your biggest stress factor.

The see-saw is a great metaphor for life, it's the constant up-down-up-down movement that really keeps things interesting and in balance. You always had that moment of panic that your end wouldn't rise up when it was time and then all of a sudden, you were up - feet dangling and nothing at that very moment mattered. I guess as adults we can have moments like that, we can give and receive, have boisterous times and quiet times. We can dance ecstatically and then spend some time resting in quiet, calmness. As long as we have a fire in our belly and tears in our eyes we will have that integrated balance that makes us human.

Please keep your arms and legs in at all times and as always, no smoking. Enjoy the ride.

It's over

2010-08-30T09:55:00.002-05:00

You know that feeling you have in a job or a relationship or just in general, where you just wake up and you KNOW, without a doubt, it's over. You have nothing left to give inside that can offer anything more to the situation and you know for all parties involved it's just best to walk away, to quit, to stop pretending anymore. It's over.

Problem is, usually when it's over you have a plan, an idea, a place to go to recharge, to make over your life. Change is in the wind, all you have to do is open your arms and embrace it. I read this quote in my Oprah magazine "a make-over shouldn't turn you into someone else - it should lead to a better you." Isn't that what we are doing when we reach that point and move on....looking for a better us? Searching for that elusive thing that makes us happy, makes us feel loved, brings us joy? Isn't that what experiences are about...to find out what works for us and what doesn't? Reinvention doesn't happen when you hate the person you are right now.

Along with change comes the baggage we choose to take with us on our journey. I heard a quote once that said "I am looking for someone with baggage to match mine." Makes me giggle a little but really it's true. You don't want to someone with a lot of mismatched baggage, you don't mind some, even it it's tattered, torn and kinda worn around the edges, but it has to sort of match yours...you can't be going against who you really are. That's the hard part, at least it seems to be for me. It's like the only baggage left out there is some crazy funky pattern I just can't make go with mine....and mine is crazy enough.

Life is full of twists and turns, feel like sometimes the only thing to do is to start looking at everything again until you forget what you're supposed to see and then actually just see what is really there. Time to take off the rose-colored glasses and look at things as they really are, no sense in pretending they are anything more that what they really are.

You never know what is going to cause a memorable event for yourself or for someone else. A few years ago I had a night I can't erase from my brain. It's forever etched in my mind as a pivotal point in my adult life. It wasn't planned, it was a sort of spontaneous moment in time that I wish I could capture and have everyday, but it's not to be....but I have that moment in time, that place and that person forever etched into my memory.

I often do things without much thought...some would claim I am not living in the moment and maybe that's true but it's who I am...at least right now. I blogged about that after hearing this great speaker who talked about living in the moment and how we don't really do that very well and how it's something we have to FORCE upon ourselves. Not sure that's good or bad. I often go through my life in such a state of routine that I forget about the moment in time I am in.

In making some drastic changes in my life lately, I've suddenly realized that sometimes I am the creator of moments for other people that they then hang onto and remember and refer back to that I didn't really think meant anything at all. It's a weird sort of moment when you realize you have made someone else's world shine for just a moment. I'm the cause of that one moment in time they remember and talk about and hopefully smile about.

I get so self involved most days trying to force my round self into so many square places that I forget I can and do have an impact on others. It feels like an immense responsibility for me now to know this.

Complacent life

2010-08-23T09:59:00.004-05:00

As time moves on we settle into routines. We settled into a life, a job, a relationship and after a small amount of time we get into a rhythm or routine that becomes something we do without thinking about it.

We get up, make coffee, pack a lunch, take a shower, go to work, come home, dinner, dishes, laundry, maybe something fun but then we do it all over again. We settle into a unconcerned lifestyle until something jumps in and shakes it up for us.

I've been living that kind of a life this year....and I'm not sure it's for me. Last year I chose a path of "NO RULES" and set out on an adventure...that quickly faded into being my past. It's funny how fast that happens. I've been struggling feeling like I need to "re-capture" that again like an aging actress trying to recapture her youth for the cameras. The fact of the matter is, the past is the past and there is not going back. It's a hard, big, bitter pill to swallow but I think I finally have choked it down, or at least it's headed that way.

For so long I've clung to the things I love about my life, I've held them tightly to my chest like a small child holding the string of a balloon. Slowly I've felt the string slipping from my grasp but the tighter I held and the more focused on the string slipping only caused it to slip away harder. It's hard to feel like you are standing still while the world around you moves and shapes and grows but you are stuck on a rock that doesn't budge.....holding on with all your might to your balloon hoping to keep it from getting away, from blowing away in the wind. The more you try, the harder it gets until one day, without you even realizing it....the balloon is gone and all you have left is the memory of how grand it looked floating free and easy above your head.

We all do this in one way or another, we become complacent with our life, our journey, our relationships. We no longer try to make things better, stronger, more exciting. It takes too much effort, to much time...just too much. It's easier to just be.....right?

Sometimes it takes a major life event to cause us to look outside ourselves. To see the world through someone else's glasses. It's funny, if you ask 10 people what they think your own life is like, you will get 10 different answers. We present pieces of our self to people, groups, situations so differently and it's the rare person who knows us well. I recently started a new part time job and I was in training with 6 other people. We went around the room and had to introduce ourselves to each other, the funny thing is I will most likely never see these employees again because none of us will be working in the same dept. but we had to share a little about ourselves. I thought isn't that interesting. For two minutes I can be anything I want to be to these complete strangers and they will never know anything different of me. They don't care to know anything more about me....yet here I am, expected to say something about myself.

Do you say something like, Hi, I am trying like hell to get back the life I had last year and I'm deeply unhappy with my life as it is laid out right now or do I do the standard I am excited to be selling women's shoes? How do we break out of the life we've worked so many years to create? Do we choose to stay on this path of least resistance or do we forge ahead into something unknown and hope for the best?

It's easy to not go against the grain, to just keep doing what we always do. I see some of the lifeless faces coming into work everyday and I wonder, where is their passion? Where is their joy? What makes them tick? I read this quote today that I really liked about smiling eyes:

She turned to me & whispered, don't you just love it when you get so excited you forget to breathe? & the thought of her smiling eyes still makes me laugh.

It's said that our eyes are the windows to our soul........it's interesting what we let in and ultimately let out.

You may as well be happy...

2010-08-19T10:16:00.003-05:00

.....because no one really cares if you're miserable. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and you cry alone.

It seems to me that when things are good and going your way your world is filled with people, fun, happiness and light. Like a roller coaster on the upward leg of it's journey. Exciting and filled with possibilites. When you are down, need a boost or just a hand to hold it's like you are alone in the land of misfit toys. No one wants to be there when your down.

How are you suppose to manage life's ups and downs if when your down, your alone? You need a friend at that time to pat you on the back, take a shot with you and help you move on. Not one to ignore you, put you on the back burner and act like "eh, your fine....get over it." I sure hope I'm not like that to my friends when they are down and out.

I'm not saying throw money at them and let them live on your couch for years while they piss and moan about a bad life, I'm saying be a friend, let them vent and steer them back on the path of goodness and light.

The older I get, the more life experience I get I seem to have more questions than answers. A few days ago a friend of mine made this statement "Wouldn't it be great if you got the really important life lessons when you were twenty-eight instead of forty-eight? Actually, I suppose I probably did, but was just blathering too loudly myself to actually listen."

I can't stop thinking about that statement. What if we already learned all the things we needed to know and just missed the opportunity to really hear it....and live it. Is it too late? Is it ever really too late? I know the answer is a resounding NO...but I still wonder. Do we sometimes miss our chance because we are so outside ourselves at the time that we don't see the forest for the trees?

No one really cares when your miserable. No one is going to be your knight in shining armour and come galloping in to make things better, you have to do that for yourself. You have to be able to stand yourself back up...brush all the crap life throws at you off and keep on marching. If you don't, then what's the point? Sometimes the lessons of life seem so easy, so simple that a child could master them yet as a child we are no where near the maturity level to be able to handle them. Then we get so wrapped up in the everday management of our own life that by the time we are close to being a mature adult (for some people that may never happen) that we just sort of gloss over it.

Too bad we don't have a rewind or a fast forward button.

What is best?

2010-08-17T08:01:00.002-05:00

The older I get, the harder I know what is best for me anymore. As a kid, you relied on your parents or adults in your life to do that for you. They knew what was best for me, even if I didn't want to accept that fact that I couldn't have ice cream for dinner.

This message came today: You're the only person who knows what's right for you. The only one.
And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don't, commit to nothing.

I love that. It's a very important thought in my life right now. Commit to something. I think that's what I'm missing lately...a sense of belonging to something bigger than me. Something I can commit to 100%.

I've been feeling like the things I am doing in my life are sort of going against my internal grain. You know that old saying, going against the grain? I feel like my job, my personal life, my family life, even my friendships have been really challenged in the last few months. I feel like I am having to work so hard at maintaining all of them...it makes me wonder what's changed? What's shifted that makes me work so hard at ALL aspects of my life. Am I really doing what's best for me? How does one know what is best?

I know life is about a series of mistakes, trial and errors but it's kind of exhausting to have to keep that level of fight up day after day after day. Mama needs a break. Not like a vacation, feet in the sand kind of a break, although I sure wouldn't say NO to that, more of a mental break. A break from making my mind work so hard to figure things out. No wonder I can't sleep at night. I fill my head all day long with stuff that by the time my body wears out, my brain is still going strong. I really have to find a way to exhaust my brain.

Doing what's best...it seems easy when your deciding this for someone else. I want so bad to tell my friend the person she is so enamoured with is a jerk and she deserves better, but she's happy and who am I to tell her what's best? I want to tell my friend that the job she is in is sucking her soul dry and she has nothing left to give anyone else in her life because she is 110% devoted to a job that doesn't give her anything more than a paycheck, but again, who am I to tell her what's best. I'm sure if people look too closely at my life they have a check list of things to tell me what's best for me.

I guess that's what this little gig is about, life. It's about learning and moving along our path and figuring out what is in our own best interest. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

A reason for every season

2010-08-10T09:49:00.001-05:00

I don't know if it's my age, my mental state or just that fact that I just need to let out what's filtering around in my head, but lately I've been feeling quite emotional. I cry for the life that's passed me by, I get sad at the things I don't have in my life, I laugh at the silliest things (my friends dogs ears flipped) until I have tears rolling down my cheeks...and feel unmeasurable love and gratefulness (is that a word?) for the friends in my life.

I recently found this article that I've pared down because it was INCREDIBLY long, but I really liked the message. Made me think and happy....usually not a combination I have.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficult time or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, or walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand and what we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled and their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Then there are those people that come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may teach you something you have never done and they usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real, but only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

The Art of Saying (and meaning it) No

2010-08-09T08:41:00.002-05:00

So many times we do things out of obligation. We say YES when we really mean DEAR GOD NO! We commit ourselves, our time; even our finances to things we really don't want to. Is it because we are afraid to say NO? Because saying no to something equates to being alone, bored, unhappy? I'm not sure where it all went off track..but I am saying YES to saying NO.

It only has two letters, but "no" is a powerful word. It's a simple fact that you can never be productive if you take on too many commitments, you end up spreading yourself too thin and then you are ultimately not good at any of them. It also can take the joy out of the things you really want to be doing because you become so focused on what's on your plate.

Recently I found myself really, sadly disappointed by a friend. We had been planning an event, an outing, a day-o-fun as I like to call it, for quite a while. We talked about it non-stop, planned for it, giggled about it but when it came time to actually doing it, she pulled out. She said NO. I was really disappointed by it. If she would have been honest with me up front and said OMG, I totally want to do this but I a) can't afford it, b) can't leave my family alone, c) don't really want to spend that much time with you.....whatever the reason, I would have been OK with it. I would have accepted it. So why do we do this? Why do we say YES when we really mean NO?

I am really exhausted by those people that say YES to everything and yet rarely show up or participate or contribute to what they have agreed to. It's time to take back the power of saying NO and use it for good, not evil.

I get that saying NO is an art form, and the more you do it, the better you get at it. If there is one thing I have learned as I've gotten older, it's that saying NO sometimes means saying YES to something else.

I wonder what things would be like if we really only commit to those things we really feel we can give our all to? Or is it possible that by doing things we may not be 100% committed to we actually learn something new? That we push ourselves to a new peak or place we've never been to? Is it possible that saying YES when we really mean NO can teach us something positive?

No, probably not. See....that wasn't so hard.

Choice or Chance?

2010-08-04T09:35:00.002-05:00

Choice, not chance determines our destiny. So many times it's not WHAT you say, but how you say it that makes the difference. Saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it is much different than just saying the words. Saying "I love you" out of routine or habit is not the same as looking someone in the eyes and saying "I love you".

Go to any restaurant or coffee shop and look at the people around you. How do they carry themselves? Do they look happy? Do they look like they are totally digging their life? Do you?

The Universe, in all it's wisdom, provided this thought for me:

Young souls learn to accept responsibility for their actions. Mature souls learn to accept responsibility for their thoughts. Old souls learn to accept responsibility for their happiness.

Why must we be old before we learn the lessons life has to teach us? How come we can't learn to get by earlier with little victories? I wonder if in my next life I'll live with no fear, stand tall and strong knowing all that I need to know to get by.

Perhaps someday the world will catch up with us all and we will wake up knowing what it is we need to know right now. It seems like some life tragedy or big life issue has to happen for us to realize what it is we all should know about ourselves all along. Life true to who we are and we should be fine.

I suppose it's time to figure out who I am.

Need for control?

2010-07-29T08:30:00.003-05:00

It's funny the things you discover about yourself while doing the simplest of tasks....like making toast.

This morning as I was pondering life's greatest questions my sandwich thin slipped between the bars and started to burn/smoke as it touched the hot wires that are suppose to toast it. I angrily poked at it until I got it out and then was sort of grumbling to myself when a co-worker approached. We laughed about it and we started talking about how things were built better when we were younger and that led into this weird thought pattern.

I said I've become so much less patient as I've gotten older. It's like I feel like I don't have a lot of time left to deal with the indecisiveness of others or the thoughtlessness that seems to be all around me. For instance, in the morning, I walk into the cafeteria to get my coffee and there is a flow, a process to getting your coffee...you start on the right, pick up your cup and then proceed through to choose your coffee, fill your cup, add creamer and finally the top. It's a very clear, simple process that any fool can see....but there is the occasional yahoo who is so completely self-absorbed in their own bubble that they walk right up to the counter, past me, put their tray full of food down and then try to reach over you to grab a cup and I am suppose to just stand there and let this happen?

So the older I get the less patience I have for these kinds of acts. My co-worker said he's less tolerant than patient. Is there a difference between tolerance and patience? It made me think more. Honestly...this much thinking before coffee is not good for anyone.

Tolerance - capacity to endure pain or hardship. Sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices, the allowable deviation from a standard. Patient - bearing pains or trials or without complaint, not hasty or impetuous. Manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain.

So maybe I've been thinking about myself wrong. I am NOT patient. I thought I was, but I think if anything I have a high tolerance level but I'm not really tolerant either. Hmmm, have I turned into that grumpy gus of an old woman already?

I used to be the kind of person that enjoyed being right. Not that I would argue it, okay, maybe that's not true, but I learned to sort of hone it....I started to become one who then had to PROVE I was right. Hmm, maybe that's slightly passive/aggressive. Jesh, the more I think about this and write about this, I am a hot mess.

Does it all come down to our need for control? I don't seem to be able to control much in my life so maybe it's my unconscious attempt at gaining control - if I get to do things my way or in my time then I win....is it about winning? Is this only the tip of the iceberg?

I am not sure I want to live in a world where I am in total control. It's clear I don't make the best decisions on my own, I always like/need input/feedback. Even if people don't think I do. I try to take it in, listen to it, process it and then make a decision. When I was younger, I admit, I made my decisions based on my friends wants/needs, but as I get older, I now am trying to make these based on what's best for me. Imagine that.....I am thinking of me first.

Ohh boy, this all started with an innocent piece of toast. Imagine where I could have gone had I added an egg or pancake to this start to my day?

Not ready yet

2010-07-28T08:27:00.002-05:00

Being patient is not my strong suit. If you know me at all, you know this about me. I am all about things happening RIGHT NOW. I think partially it comes from my up bringing and with the disappointment that comes with waiting. Mostly, if you had to wait for something, it never happened. As an adult, I've had the opportunity to correct that but again, it feels like waiting for it equals it never happening.

We wait in line, we wait on hold, we wait to get the green light to enter the highway at rush hour. Then we wait to get a better job until after you graduate....wait for him to leave his wife.....wait to order something and it's no longer available - disappointment abound. To me, waiting means no, never gonna happen, uh uh, nope, forget about it..adios.

So today when I heard this message from not only one of my daily positive thoughts for the day sources, but a similar message from another it made me think about waiting. Is waiting really such a bad thing? Is it possibly the Universe's way or reminding us we are not yet ready?

Be willing to be patient. YES you want it RIGHT NOW, but maybe you're not ready for it right now. Maybe NOW isn't the time for you to step into that light. Trust that the Universe will provide it to you exactly at the perfect time, and accept that it is not now.

Are we so over exposed to wanting things here and now that we forget to enjoy the ride, to be patient with the process, to let things unfold as they are suppose to? In this face paced world, are we giving too much of ourselves and in return, expecting too much?

Remember that show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It hit the airwaves like gangbusters in the late 90's and launched Regis Philbin to the top of the charts. Soon the network began to realize the potential money bag that was, not only with the show but with advertising so they milked that bad boy for all it was worth. It was on 5 nights a week and they effectively squeezed every last cent out of that golden goose before it died a slow painful death. Over exposure can surely be the death of every or any good idea.

So are we trying to get to much too fast? Are we really square pegs we are trying to jam into round holes or are we just expecting too much from the Universe? How do we learn to enjoy the ride and see what's around us without wanting more? Without pushing ourselves to achieve more and to live the life we are meant to be living without the internal battle all the time?

Apparently I'm not ready yet....are you?

Learning to live with what we miss

2010-07-27T10:49:00.004-05:00

So many times it's easier to accept change when we make the changes ourselves, when we initiate them. It's easier when we are choosing to stop seeing someone, to end a friendship, to quit a job, to stop accepting bad behavior as acceptable. Why do we continually allow others to rule our lives, to constantly do the adjusting to that kind of life? Maybe not all the time, but we sort of let that behavior continue to be acceptable because it's easier than dealing with it? I don't get it.

I think if you are person in a power position, you have an obligation to NOT accept poor behavior as acceptable. That you have a duty to not make others follow rules and not really enforce it for all parties. I mean, isn't that discrimination?

We learn to live with what we miss. We just build walls up around ourselves in order to get through our days. We keep doing this until something forces them to come tumbling down. We think we are protecting ourselves, blocking ourselves away from the things that hurt us, challenges us, it change us.....but really we just sort of go internal and shut out the world. Is it better to really have loved an lost than to never have loved at all?

It seems like the more you try to put all the pieces of your own life puzzle into place, the harder it gets. It's like all of a sudden you have all these pieces of the puzzle that aren't really even a piece of the puzzle you are working on. How does that happen? Do we just wake up one day and realize we need to put the puzzle together? That we need to have things where they belong and we struggle so hard to make them fit. It's like I keep pounding them into place but they keep popping up again and again. It's frustrating. I think I need to scrap this puzzle and start all over.

Is that an option? Can we really stop our current life path and just start all over? Is it as simple as that? What would it take? Do we quit our job, stop hanging with family and friends? Turn off our phone, computer....stop our connection in every form with the world as we know it? Do we do a hard re-boot of our own life and see where we end up?

Each day seems like an itch. I reach for it but I can't quite scratch it, every day it itches just a little bit more but I'm never really able to reach it.

Swimming against the current

2010-07-23T11:07:00.003-05:00

Some days I feel like Dori in Finding Nemo...I have to keep reminding myself..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming".

I admire those people that forge their own path, rules be dammed. Those people that wake up each day and know they are going to make a difference, they know where they are going, what they are doing and who they have by their side no matter what. Then there are those of us who wake up and the first thought is....what fresh hell will this day bring.

I'm not quite in that boat yet, but I have to admit, I have been waking up thinking....please let me get through this day without unnecessary drama or frustration. Let this be a good day. I know you positive, happy people will say you need to wake up and say "it's going to be a great day!" I know I'm suppose to have a more positive outlook but honestly, it's hard to constantly be swimming against the current and be happy....should I just stop fighting it and just float away with everyone else?

At what point does it become giving up if you stop fighting the status quo, the "normal", the routine, mundane everyday tasks we are sort of drawn into doing? At what point does it no longer mean you are striving for something more and just being difficult? I think I would curl up and die if I had the same old routine everyday, well I sort of do now but not really. But I mean if I was just a "yes" man. If I always did what I was told/asked without questioning would I really be happier? Would I really be in a better place? If I didn't want to settle for what I have right now, if I want more money, love, friends, respect, happiness...and if I don't push myself to get more, am I giving up? Do you have to swim against the current to find who and what you are?

The older I get the more questions I seem to have. I remember in my 20's life seemed SO easy. So not complicated. The big question was where was I going to go out to that night. Things seemed so easy in my younger days. I never cared about doing a good job at work, or if I was tired the next day. I cared about my possessions and my $$ to go out and play. As I got older, I started to care about my heart, my soul, my reputation both personally and professionally. I care about my friends and my integrity....these are the things keeping me up at night.

Maybe there is some give in not always fighting the current, maybe once in awhile we need to let go an doggy paddle along until we get to the big "fish". Maybe we'd have more energy to fight the good fight if we weren't doing that allllll day long? Or maybe we just keep doing this until we can no longer see straight and we end up alone with 12 cats in our apartment?

Hmm, that's a tough choice.

Too connected?

2010-07-20T13:10:00.003-05:00

Is it possible to be TOO CONNECTED? With all the social media at our fingertips, do we think that everything we think, feel and do is something to be shared?

I will be the first to admit...I am addicted to Facebook and my texting. If you take me to a place where I can't send or receive a text I will probably settle down eventually but until I have signal again and there is the POSSIBILITY that I can get a text, I am discombobulated. I accept this about myself but in this recent, thought provoking state I am in lately, I've begun to wonder if we are "too connected"?

Facebook status read things like "I had a cheeseburger for lunch" or "At the pool" or any of those little statements that don't really mean anything but we feel the need to share our every movement with the world kind of make me laugh. I understand the need to not feel like your alone and this type of interaction, this constant barrage of information that comes at us 24/7 makes us feel like we aren't alone.

Maybe that's what social networking is really about...not being alone. To try to make us feel more connected to a bigger piece of the pie than what we have. I had a conversation with a person just getting ready to leave home for the first time and she is moving away from her family and all her friends and we talked about how great Facebook (FB) is for helping a person feel connected to so many people with just the click of a button. How easy it is to get a update on a person's life, see photo's, check out their mood, see there world in just seconds. How for someone leaving their entire social network in another state can survive with FB and her cell phone.

I love that Pink song - Glitter in the Air. It's such a great song on so many levels but the particular line I can't get out of my head is when she says "have you ever hated your self for staring at the phone, your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone" I can't get that line out of my head. How many of us do that. How many of us wait for that acknowledgement to prove that we matter, that we are somebody, that our very existence on this earth means something...that it matters to someone else that we are here? Waiting on the ring to prove we aren't alone.....isn't that what Twitter, FB and all these sites are about. For people to have a tool that makes them feel connected 24/7?

There was some survey that said the first thing a woman does in the morning before anything else it to check FB. I laughed at that stat but realized I don't know that I would want to go an entire day without checking my own FB. I tried a test one time to NOT update my status and see how long before anyone noticed. I was like SOMEONE will notice...someone will comment. I also decided I wasn't going to be the first to text someone...I wanted to see how long before they contacted me...and you know what....almost 24 full hours passed without anyone commenting on my non-updated FB status and not one single text came in. It made me think...it made me really ponder why I feel the need to be so connected to people, things and status updates. Who does it really matter to? Clearly it's just me....I mean really, I participate in this social networking tool by choice...same with texting. It's become my main form of communication with some of my friends.

Does it mean I spend less physical time with people? No, it actually feels like it increases my connection. I feel like I can say things in words much easier than I can in person. Sometimes I just have to say something and get it out of my head and continue doing what I am doing and texting allows me to do that......can it become a way of life? Does it replace a personal connection? I suppose it can but what is the value in that?

So....it begs the question.....are we too connected? Is the need for knowledge and information taking over our relationships?

Done with change

2010-07-18T11:08:00.003-05:00

I get that the only constant in life is change - that we can't grow and experience things if we don't change, but I am kind of done with change. I am done being the one that always has to accept that things change, that people change, that everything has to change. Isn't there something to be said for keeping the old? Don't we respect our elders because they have this base knowledge and history that we cherish and think is a really good thing? Why are we always expected to change?

Lately it feels as if I have to be the one to change. That I am the one expected to just accept that things change, that friends move on, get new relationships, have kids, get married, move away. I have to accept that the rules of employement change, people quit, get fired, move on....and yet I am always the one doing the adjusting, the accepting of the new way of things. They have happily moved on and I am expected to just swallow it down and accept it.

Recently a good friend falls in love with her latest soulmate, now this is a friend I've known for a bit and we've become pretty close. We have spent alot of time together and all of a sudden, I'm expected to just take the backseat on our freindship. I'm the one fighting to spend time with her. No longer do we get to play, to hang out, to go do random weekend adventures. No longer do we just go hang out over a drink or for a fun night out. I'm the one who has to make the change. I am the one who has to deal with the hole her departure from my life leaves. She's happy, distracted and has new things to fill her days and time and heart and I'm am left behind, barely a blip on the radar. It's not just with this situation...it's like this at work, it's like this with friends who have moved it's even like this with family.

Somehow my life has morphed into this weird discombobulation of me always expected to be the one to accept that things change. To embrace the "opportunities" that come when things change. Well you know what....I'm done. I'm tired, exhausted, worn out, deflated and overall D-O-N-E.

I'm tired of being the one to accept that my life has to change, that I can't have things the way they were because "everything changes". At some point I think a person should get to decide to not make that an acceptable part of life. Does this mean I become a hermit and only do the bare minimum to survive? Does it mean I no longer look for new ways to grow or to learn new things or invite new people into my life? Does it mean I have to be alone the rest of my days?

Possibly but I can't imagine I would be happy with that kind of a life. I just want things to be fair, equal...a 50/50 split.

I just had a conversation with an older resident in my building...he is in his mid-80's and is the most positive person I've ever met. Not over the top perky, sunshine radiating his butt kind of positive, just overall positive. Without even knowing what was on my mind he stopped in to say good morning (I am working) and he shared a story about how one minute you can make a decision that changes your life forever. He shared a story about how he made this decision walking out of church one morning and he wonders what his life would be like had he not made that decision. He doesn't regret, he just wonders. Isn't that a great statement. He doesn't regret, he just wonders.

So how long does one person decide to keep accepting they have to be the one to always accept change and when do you get to decide enough is enough?

It's all about timing

2010-07-14T07:24:00.002-05:00

Some times the days, weeks and months fly by without me even noticing them. It seems I am always planning ahead, what's happening tomorrow, next week, next month. When this project is done, when summer is over.....it always seems like I am moving at the speed of light. Then sometimes things happen and you think wow, if I hadn't been at this event I wouldn't have seen that, or if I didn't move here I would have never met this person....timing. It's all about timing and what the Universe decides we need at that moment.

Last summer I finished school, something that had consumed a bulk of my life for a few years. I was either in class, going to class or doing homework for a few years. As it neared the end, I found myself struggling with not only figuring out who I was when I was no longer that school girl, but where I fit in my own life and elsewhere. The Universe heard me and provided me with a summer of fun, unexpected adventures that took me basically into the fall months. As the seasons changed, so did my adventures. Soon they waned like a fall moon and I was back into a life of routine, common place and non-adventure. It's not a bad place to live, it's just a little boring.

So there I was, life moving along, nothing to write home about yet nothing to get to excited about. The new year comes in without a ripple, without a blip...just like any other day I keep on doing the same things. So how do you change that? How does one create excitement or passion, or change in their own life?

This has been a busy year as I seek to find some new paths to walk down. I don't mind walking alone, I'm used it it, it's comfortable, it's at my own pace but I wouldn't mind having a friend to tag along.....so I keep looking for someone to hang with but seems I may have waited too long and I think at this point, I'm destined to wander my path solo.

The Universe sends me this message today: You are the right person, this is the right time, you've paid your dues, you're thinking the right thoughts, you're doing the right things, and this very moment, you are exactly where you're supposed to be... poised for the happiest time of your life.

So it appears I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, I am where I am suppose to be at and this is the happiest time of my life....who would have guessed that the droll, mundane things I am doing on a daily basis are what I am destined to be doing. I suppose things certainly could be worse.

Seems a little disappointing to me, sort of like a firework that is all bang and no real fizzle. OK Universe....I'll try to appreciate.

Skewed vision of ourselves

2010-07-07T09:52:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I think I so clearly know who I am, what I want and where I am going and then I have a thought that sets me off down an entirely new path and I wonder....do we ever really know ourselves?

I realize there are multiple facets to who we really are. There is the version of me I am when I am at a party having fun, no cares, no worries, there is the "corporate" me (still a work in progress) and there is the plain, old, boring, regular me that often takes over my life and myself and begins to rule my waking thoughts. Not one is better or worse than the other but sometimes I wonder - do we really ever know ourselves at all?

I would say most days we have a very skewed version of ourselves. For instance today my head is filled with a lot of thoughts like.....is this job really what I see myself doing in 5 years? Do I really see myself staying here, pounding away at this job trying to get outside of this tiny box I've been place in (not even a metaphor for my cubicle however it is a box). Do I really see myself spending what could possibly be the best years of my life here, behind these walls doing this everyday until I die? Is this where I want to live? Are these the things I want to do with the rest of my days?

I don't see it...but the problem is I don't know what IT is. I just know at this point, at this place - this is NOT it.

I'm feeling worn by my own life. I told someone a few minutes ago as we were discussing how nice it was to have an extra day off, I felt like I had to come back to work to get into a routine because I was afraid I could easily become a recluse. I could lock myself away in my apartment, get 12 cats and begin to have my groceries delivered and never leave my house again. She laughed and said - have you met you? That would never happen. But I think it could.

I recently watched the documentary Grey Gardens - this film depicts the everyday lives of the two women, a reclusive socialite mother and her daughter who lived at their decrepit mansion in East Hampton New York, they were distant relatives of the Kennedy's and they lived in squalor. They become separated from society as we know it and they lived in their own crazy little bubble. I could easily see that happening to me if I let it. Sometimes it's nice to live in my own crazy world I've created for myself. It's easier to live in the memories of how things were because it's much better than reality...right?

In the here and now there are everyday battles to fight, small battles on a daily basis. Stupid battles really like which word works better in a sentence, or what picture to use with a story, being on time for meetings, putting gas in the car....small battles you have to deal with that if you locked yourself up in your own skewed bubble of a world, no one could dispute you. You could live the kind of life you wanted without any issues. Sleep all day, watch terrible TV, carry on conversations with your cats and you would always be right. You would always have control and you wouldn't have to worry about anything. It kind of sounds like a delightful way to live. Right?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about packing up my life and moving away. To just put into my car all that will fit and just drive away to another place, another life, another reality. I guess it's a good thought but I guess it's not really possible. It's a nice dream but the reality is you can't run away from your life. You have to learn ways to deal with and accept the life you have. It's exhausting some days but overall, it's worth it....right? Family, friends, lovers, haters......it's all part of who we are, who we have become and who we continue to stay.

I often have a skewed vision of my own life. I think from the outside it seems so much more exciting and amazing than it is...like a dress on a mannequin in a store front window. It looks so pretty and appears to be amazing and you are convinced it's THE dress to have. Then when you buy it, you find out it's so uncomfortable and itchy and overall it's just not the dress you thought it was or should be. You can take the dress back but when it's your life you're kind of stuck with it. How do you hem that? Alter that? Make it work?

Clearly cats aren't the answer.

Getting off the fence

2010-06-23T08:03:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I am walking on top of a fence, balancing to not fall off, like a really long yoga pose. It's hard to get your body and soul in unity. To get everyone rowing in the same direction so to speak.

What do you do when your head and heart are in a fight? When one goes rogue like a way ward spy? Sometimes you can't get them to be on the same path and it's really frustrating. I find myself constantly having to process thoughts my heart refuses to accept.

I know you're suppose to live in the moment, to be happy with what you have and where you're at because it's how life is suppose to be...but is it really?

There was this great article in the Oprah magazine by one of my favorite writers, Martha Beck, who talked about a woman who met a guy (isn't there always a story about a girl meeting a boy?) and she thought he was pretty amazing. After a very short time together, he did little things like remembering her favorite song, he read her blog and they really connected, at least she was feeling like that. She thought he was perfect except she was a little worried that he seemed to talk about his ex a lot of the time and he hinted about sex pretty much 5 minutes after they met.

Her friends warned her that was a bad sign, don't let him fool you they warned. No one like that could possible be good news. The immediate thought is he is a player, only out for what's in in for him. But then a friend countered with the thought, what if that is true? What if all that is true but he is still sweet and thoughtful to you. What if it is both wonderful and terrible? Do we really have to commit to just one choice and we are done? Why can't we have both things? I f he's getting what he wants and you are getting what you want/need, why can't we just take it for what it is? Why can't we have both?

My thought exactly. If my heart and my head can't get on the same page why can't I just let them be and deal with them as I need to? Not denial, not ignoring them but taking the moments as they come and see where they go. Taking the current circumstances and just enjoying them for what they are right this minute.

Some days it makes me a little more miserable than I probably need to be but other days I feel braver and happier and needed, so why can't I learn to live with this weird ying/yang that's happening?

Confronted with such dualities usually forces us to choose between them. Do we just hunker down and figure out which option is the "right" one? Limiting ourselves to answer means we often stop seeing what's actually happening and then we start to make our decision based on a label instead. This isn't as easy as an either-or thought it's more of a both-and reality we have to deal with.

This is a strange loop we get into and we have to almost re-train our brains to see things differently. To step outside our comfort zone and really live life.

Hmmm, what's the harm in trying?

Habit or Routine?

2010-06-22T07:08:00.002-05:00

Humans are creatures of habit and routine. I read some place that it takes a person 20 years to develop our adult personalities. During that time we are also developing behaviors and habits that will stay with us for our lifetime. Unfortunately, some of those behaviors and habits are not always healthy or helpful to us. Some may cause us long-term difficulties in our lives or in our relationships with others.

My body is used to a routine. I set my alarm for 5 am on weekdays. My body knows this and even on weekends it refuses to sleep in. Typically I am awake a little before the alarm goes off. Some days I am feeling tired so I hit my 9 minute snooze 2 or 3 times before I actually get up, sometimes I just get up. This is my routine. I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, try to look presentable for my day and off I go.

I often have good intentions that I forget about.....like bringing my lunch, or making coffee at home and putting in my nice to go thermal cup. I leave myself notes that I can completely over look. I try to leave my house in a clean and presentable fashion should I not return home for some god forsaken reason I don't want someone to come into my house and think I am a slob. I don't leave dishes in my sink, I don't leave towels on the floor and I clean the sink out after fixing my face and hair....just in case someone has to come in when I am not home. These are my habits.

I started thinking about the difference between routine and habits on my drive in today. I woke up ungodly early today (3:30 am) and finally gave up trying to go back to sleep at about 4:30. I got up, made a cup of coffee and some breakfast (thank God for left overs!!). I sat down to eat and enjoy the quiet of the morning and realized this was completely out of the ordinary for me. It was so not something I do most or pretty much ANY days. I usually lay in bed until I have to drag my butt out, get dressed and leave. I try to leave before traffic gets all wonky because I live in road construction haven. I try to leave early to avoid other crazy drivers who are inevitable running late and since I become invisible on the road, I try to get out before them. It doesn't always work.

Last night I went to dinner with a friend at about 8:30 at night. I was so hungry that I inhaled my food so fast that I was pretty much miserable and kinda sick to my stomache almost immediately. So I sat and hoped my body would absorb this food quickly so I wouldn't be so miserable. I realized, that is a terribly bad habit I have...eating fast. I inhale my food so quickly that I am often full before I've really eaten much (like that really stops me) and then in a few hours I am hungry again...but I realized habits always seem like a negative thing vs. a routine which seems like a good, normal, steady thing. I wonder why that is?

Nail biting, not listening, picking your cuticles, tapping your foot to the point you can rock a immobile car....habits...all bad habits. I wondered...can habits really be considered good? Usually we try to break ourselves of our habits by changing our routines. I used to be a HUGE Diet Coke consumer. I had probably 3/4 cans a day. It was my routine (habit) and when I decided to make that change it took lots of concentrated effort to make that change. Now it doesn't even cross my thought process anymore. Try to take my coffee away however and we will be having a different conversation.

So how do we create routine? Sometimes routine can be bad too. If we do things just because we've always done them it takes away the magic of spontaneous moments or events. It's so complicated to be who we are suppose to be with all we have fighting against us, sometimes its us that make it harder. Routine makes me feel predictable....I am not sure I like that at all.

But changing a behavior or habit is not done simply or overnight. If something took 20 years to learn, it seems to me that it will take the equal amount, if not the same time to “unlearn” or to change that behavior or routine. It just seems more difficult than it is because it’s a process, not something you can just wake up one day and say, “Hey, today I’m going to do everything completely differently.”

If we only knew then what we know now would we make the same choices? Would we make different choices? Do we create habits based on the people we spend our time with? Do we create routines to make life easier for ourself or others? Routines seem easy, habits seem more challenging. I wonder if I had to list mine all out which column would have more?

The older I get the more it seems I am more comfortable and familiar with my habits and routines I’ve created in my life. And what is our life if not the sum of our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, all of which we’ve learned and incorporated into ourselves over our lifetime? It’s who I am. It’s part of my charm. To change is to ask people to give up the familiar for the unfamiliar and for most people that scares the daylights out of them. Humans avoid fear, that’s why most people don’t like change and don’t do a very good job with change when confronted with it.

You can’t ask or expect someone to change all of their routines or habits, its part of who they are. The real key to changing routines isn’t to swap out existing routines for new ones you’ll never change, but rather to challenge ourselves every day with something a little different or new. Realistically, most people cannot change significant amounts in their life without serious effort and time.

Are we just to comfortable in our own madness?

Turning mediocrity into greatness

2010-06-21T08:10:00.002-05:00

When you want to live outside your own bubble, it takes dedication and discipline to push yourself to that next level. Some of us are able to harness that and use it, others....not so much. When an average performer reached the end of their day they call it quits, they toss in the towel and stop, call it done. Those who want more, are usually just getting started. What separates them from us, er, well, me? What do they know that I just don't get?

Discipline. That's ultimately what it comes down to. Discipline is the watchword of great performers. It makes the difference between the good and the great. The great ones will tell you discipline is more of a decision than it is an active skill. It's the ability to stay the course and complete promises you've made. The fulfillment of these promises builds confidence and self-esteem, which eventually leads people to believe almost anything is possible. It's a habit and a self-fulfilling prophecy built into one. Discipline is a logic-based decision that performers adhere to, regardless of whether they feel like it or not.

How do you learn discipline? How does one acquire the skills to push past pain and punishment and disappointment to get to that next level? Is it really as simple as changing your mindset? Does one have to disregard things like feelings and emotions to propel themselves to the next level? Doesn't it really come down to the fact that you get out of life what you put into it? Ultimately isn't that what it's really about?

I've never been what one would define as a over achiever. Yes I can at times be 100% dedicated and committed to something but over achiever, go getter, disciplined....nah...not who I am. I want to be, I kind of crave that sort of power over myself but I just don't see it happening. I wish I had that much passion and purpose in my life. Maybe I do but I've just never harnessed it. I wonder what amazing great things I could accomplish if I just put my mind to it, if I became that person I admire...or at least displayed those traits in others I admire. It might be an interesting test. Can one just randomly push themselves to the next level?

Perfection is a myth

2010-06-17T08:37:00.002-05:00

Can a person really have it all? Can we have the right job, the perfect mate, and the best kids, the most fantastically (is that a word?) perfect job while still waking up every day absolutely happy?

Of course we CAN’T have it all!
You tell me one person who has absolutely everything! Perfectionism is an illusion of the mind. I think we strive for it at such a rate that we end up driving ourselves into a frenzy which then causes us to seek therapy once we realize it’s virtually impossible to achieve.

What does it mean to have it all?
I look at people and think my life would be pretty darn amazing if I were in their shoes. People like Oprah are really not fair to compare ourselves to because not many people get to live life at that level. I am talking about people I see almost every day and I know small parts of their life and I have to wonder, do they really have it all? Do they really have the dream job, power, success, friends, family and love? From my point of view having these things give you a leg up on life and you get to be happy and content…but does anyone really have it all without wanting something else or something more?

I know people who seem to have it all from another person’s perspective. Many people have made the comment to me that I have the best life. No commitments, no kids, no partner – total freedom. There is something more satisfying that freedom however. There are times I am still disappointed with my own life choices.

Not one of my friends has it all. I'd like to think they do, and some days it seems like they do but the reality is...no one does. This is a fact I have to accept, it's hard for me to say that because I feel like if I am not striving towards or working to get to have it all, what's the point?

This is not to make you complacent or accepting of crap in your life– it’s just a fact. Everyone has something to deal with. Maybe it’s a loved one with a terrible illness, money issues, maybe an unhappy relationship/marriage, a terrible job - something. If you’re lucky enough to have the support of great friends and family, or a good therapist to help shoulder your pain, you’re even luckier.

I am not saying you cannot have a fulfilling life, with a career, kids, husband, and balance. There are no judgments regardless of the position you are in, and you may as well make the best of the hand you have been dealt. But our time on earth is quite short, and this is no dress rehearsal so we really need to come to terms with life as it is and find ways to move forward with zest and appeal.

In my opinion, I think having it all is just simply being happy. Being happy with who you are, what you are doing and who you are choosing to spend your life with. Truly content from within, regardless of how much money you have, of whether you work, stay at home, or opt out of motherhood altogether.

Perfection is an illusion and it’s OK that you don’t have it all, it does not make us flawed or a freak, it only makes us human.

Wings to fly

2010-06-16T09:37:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you don't even realize you have wings that you can just use anytime to fly. Fly away, fly free - just fly. Sometime you have to shake the dust off of what IS to realize there is more out there, more to see, more to do, more to have. I have to admit, I totally forgot I have wings.

Life is one big puzzle. Feels like we are always looking for something we don't have, it's a long winding road we keep traveling down searching, trying, failing, learning, growing and suddenly we realize we no longer are doing things or living a life that is for us..it's a harsh realization.

It's easy to want more and to give up all kinds of stuff to get to the place we think we need to be. It's easy to be so focused on getting that life that we lose track of everything else around us. For so long I've been focused on what's next. After school, after IAAP, after this month, after work....always what's next...what's coming up that you forget to live and experience the here and now. Here and now....it's not such a bad place to be.

I recently heard a speaker who talked about being fully present in the moment. He had great examples of how he saw this happening. There is a great line he used - Am I OK right now? It encouraged you to look past the fear and uncertainty and focus on the here and now....Am I OK right now? Most of the time you can honestly say YES. If you are hurdling down a cliff at top speed you may answer that question a little differently, but overall you are probably OK right now.

I have spent so much of my time this last year trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole and I kind of feel exhausted by these efforts. I have come to accept the fact that I can't MAKE people want me to be a part of their life. I can't make people want to spend time with me, to do things for and with me just because it's what I want. I forget that just because it's the path I am on and moving forward, doesn't mean that is where they belong...even if I want them to be there with me. How much am I willing to give up for them is as important as how much they are willing to give up for me.....as much as I don't like it, that's the reality.

I have lost track of so much of who I am and what I want and where I want to be that I feel like only something big can shake off the dust and clear the clutter. I need a grand gesture or moment to happen. I have been a little obsessed lately with Flash Mobs....you've seen those videos where a group of people go into public and randomly dance and then as soon as the song is over they just move on like nothing ever happened. I need a flash mob moment in my own life. I need something to shake things up for just a few minutes and clear out the cobwebs so I can move forward again. I'm tired of waiting, of being the one making the effort, the contact, the connection, square pegs can't fit into a round hole no matter how hard you pound.

Isn't it funny how we suddenly realize we have had wings all along and just forget to use them?

Little disappointments

2010-06-10T10:20:00.002-05:00

Life is full of disappointments.

I realize that isn't a very positive way to start a post but really it's true. We grow up taught to expect to be treated in a certain way, that life kind of dictates to us that if you do good thing, good things often come back to us. Now there are no rules of course, it's not an automatic that if you do good you get good but we expect it to happen. Maybe that's where we go wrong...we expect.

Recently my 20 year old niece put a Facebook post out that stated "the sesame street theme song is NOT what it used to be and cookie monster was NOT eating cookies. what?!"

At first it made me giggle and then it made me wonder if she even watched the same Sesame Street I even grew up with. It's funny how we go through life almost automatically without much thought until something makes us stop and we realize something isn't quite right. She is so young and has so much more life to experience and I hope that she is armed with the tools she needs to fight the little disappointments along the way.

I remember living with someone for many, many years and then the first time I came home after he was gone I went to turn on a light that was suddenly no longer there. I remember the feeling that completely overwhelmed me at that very moment.....it was the first time in a really long time I realized I was completely alone and on top of that, I had no lamp. I always took things for granted, I expected things to be the same....but just like the disappointment of the cookie monster no longer eating cookies, I had to change my perception of my own life.

How many times do we have to do that in our lives? We become creatures of habit so easily and it's not until something forces us to change that we realize things are different. Sometimes I get so focused on what I should be doing, what I need to be doing and I forget about the here and now. I get disappointed because I think I should have more, I should be more, I need something outside of what I have and I forget that sometimes where I am at and what I have is good.

We have a family friend who is dying from cancer right now. She takes each day as a gift. Each day she wakes up she gets up and pushes herself to live.....not just for her but for her family. For her each day is a gift and she is absolutely living with no regrets...there is no time. The cancer is moving fast and spreading through her body at an incredible rate yet she is purchasing new clothes and seeing friends and getting her hair done as if her life is going on as planned. Her day must be filled with little disappointments....constantly...yet she plows ahead full throttle. It amazes me.

Some days it feels like the whole world is against me, some days it feels like such a battle just to do the simple things I need to do and then I realize, I am not fighting a ticking monster slowing devouring my insides....amazing. It's amazing to me what the human spirit can over come.

Sometimes life events happen and we don't think we will ever recover and then you come across people who are experience disappointment after disappointment and they just keep going. I admire that ability. I am of the mind set that there must be something better than all this. I just keep living one day at a time doing the best I can...and someday I assume we will find what it is we are looking for and we'll drop our bags and just be home.

Do we just learn to accept life's disappointments or do we build up our tolerance?

Time is a cruel teacher

2010-06-02T09:16:00.002-05:00

There is an old saying that goes something like Time is a cruel teacher because she gives the test before we have the answers.

I have been thinking a lot about time lately. How relatively short it is in the whole scheme of things. I mean a lifetime is really pretty short when you think about it. The recent news of Al & Tipper Gore separating after 40 years of marriage kinda got me thinking again about how fast things change. Last year about this time I was facing graduation, my party, and a summer full of a lot of fun. All of a sudden, we are flash forwarded to the here and now...2010 and it's June, again. Even though so much happened in those 365 days, it feels like it went by in the blink of an eye. I imagine Al & Tipper feel that way.

Sometimes all we have to do is brave the storm a little while and suddenly it breaks and things settle down, get into a rhythm, a pattern...they become "normal". I think that's where I lose it a little...I'm not very happy or comfortable with "normal" or a set routine. I like a little bit of chaos, a little bit of something to shake up my days....it's crazy to think Al and Tipper spent more time being married than alone....although some will argue they have both been alone for many many years now.

I wonder what 3 months from now will bring? Heck 3 days from now my life could completely change. I am really exhausted from trying to figure things out...trying to figure out where I should be, what I should be doing, where I should be at...it's wearing on a soul. I want to give up but that seems to be the lazy way out. I would like to find some middle ground...some place soft to land that isn't soul sucking but offers enough excitement and variety to keep me going.

I got a book for my birthday and I have yet to read but there is this quote in the beginning I just can't get out of my head. It's by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is it not the chief disgrace in the world, not to be a unit; not to be
reckoned one character; not to yield that peculiar fruit which each man was created to bear, but to be reckoned in the gross, in the hundred, or the thousand, of the party, the section, to which we belong...

To which we belong. That's the part I keep going over in my head. Is it saying that I am a disgrace because I am have not born fruit? That I am not a unit? That I am one in thousands that is a party of one and there is where I belong? I am not sure what it's saying, but it is somehow speaking to me. I must really read more of him to figure him out.

Time is indeed a cruel teacher, what is this person from the past trying to share with me now in the present? How do we learn these lessons oh teacher?

Hope floats

2010-05-28T10:19:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been getting a message from the Universe in various forms, but basically it's telling me to move on...to move past the things I can't control. To let go and move forward. I've been fighting that notion for so long hoping that if I just cling to things a little more I can change them. I can have what I had, I can go back to that magical time of last year and begin again and maybe this time make different choices so things DON'T end. But I can't. The reality is to hard to ignore any longer and clearly the Universe agrees as it's sending me this message in multiple ways.

Hope floats, like a cork that drops into water and quickly rises to the surface, so does hope. As much as we try to squash it, to keep it out, it always surfaces and forces us to face it. To confront it head on and deal with it. We have to find this our for ourselves however, you can accept it until you are ready. The teacher will appear when the student is ready.

Sometimes we make choices in our lives in the spur of the moment that seemed right at the time but come back to us as regret. I tend not to regret, I do miss things though. I miss moments and people and situations but I don't regret. I think we do things and experience moments that work to help create who we are and who we become so I don't often regret things. I might regret something I've said in the spur of a heated moment but I try really hard not to say something I can't live with.

I keep saying life was so different for me last year at this time and I really really was enjoying my life last year and suddenly, come fall, something drastically changed. Was it me? Was it the Universe peeking in to say enough of that, now back to reality or was it simply my soul realizing I was living a false life? How long do we continue to fool ourselves into thinking we are living our life in the way we want to until we finally decide it's not what we really want. We convince ourselves that we want a certain lifestyle and we work like mad to get it and suddenly one day you wake up realizing everything has changed, everything is different and it's not really what you thought it would be. It's not what you imagined and suddenly you are stuck in a life you really don't want. What do to then? Is it really that easy to walk away? How much time do you invest walking down a path you don't want to be on before you stop and find another way?

I find the older I get the less tolerance I have for not living the life I imagine I would have. I have less tolerance for the games and the crap and the silly reasons for not living the life I want. It may change day to day but at least I feel like I am focused on what I want. I recently heard this speaker (Michael Foley) who talked about packing our backpacks with the things we need in life and how heavy it gets when we lug around all the old, past things we can't change. It's time to let that go, it's time to start packing my backpack with only what I need and let go of the past. I know it sounds way easier to do. He also talked about a mantra he uses...Am I OK right now? It's kind of fun....in times of stress and chaos try using this phrase....Am I OK right now? Yes, in this moment I am OK...in 5 minutes maybe not but right now I am OK. It helps you focus on being present in the moment and not focusing on the "what might be" or the "what was".

Am I OK right now? Yes, yes I am.

Hearing the music but refusing to dance

2010-05-27T07:39:00.002-05:00

I love this saying " We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance". Reminds me that no matter what, life keeps moving on and we all do things constantly to make fools of ourselves so why not enjoy the ride?

Today is a day that feels like there is hope, hope in what I have, hope in where I am going, just hope. Sometimes just making a decision to do something, or to stop doing something, is half the battle of just doing it. I've been doing so much for so long that I don't really feel invested in that it feels quite amazing to come to the final decision to just stop doing these things and let things be as they will be. Sometimes stopping fighting the battle is the battle.

I have more to say on this but I will have to finish tomorrow...so for now...I will leave it at this.

Selfish vs. Assertive

2010-05-19T09:39:00.003-05:00

My thought from the Universe today as I drove in pondering the thought of standing up for what you want in your own life. Of using your big girl voice to say NO or to say THIS IS WHAT I NEED. Funny how sometimes you ask....and the answer appears:

What really matters? What's really important? Why bother? Who cares? What's it all for? You, it's all about you. What you like and dislike. What you want and don't want. What makes you smile and laugh. What makes you learn and grow. Selfish? How else could you shine your light? How else could you possibly hope to lift the world? How else could you be all that we dreamed you might be? Selfish of me - The Universe

There is also this other newsletter I get daily....www.theresarose.net. She had this to say today:

Don't get caught in the trap of judging someone else's choices. They aren't good choices or bad choices, they just ARE. This freedom from judgment will liberate you to have more and be more.

It's funny how a message keeps coming at you and coming at you until you decide to finally absorb what it's trying to say to you. I was at a conference this last weekend and both the Friday and Saturday speakers spoke about packing your backpack (or wheel barrow) with the right things and letting go of the old. I really listened to them...I heard them saying all the things I've been thinking in my head and tried like heck to figure out why I can't let go of the old.

The one speaker talked about carrying around our backpacks filled with all that old stuff we lugg around, how heavy it is, how sore our body gets hauling that around. I began to really think about the stuff I've been keeping in mine and I have to realize and accept that it's the past, it's over, it's not coming back and it's not going to change. All the thinking and dwelling on that old what was stuff is not going to change, it is not going to magically reappear and be perfect and what I need it to be....it's just not. It's a hard realization....and it stinks, but it is what it is.

Then as I was driving into work this morning I realize I am spending an extraordinary amount of energy on things that #1 I have NO control over and #2 that are never going to change. I am not going to wake up one morning and magically have things the way my mind has created them to be. I wonder why we spend so much time and energy fighting for things we don't get to have?

I can't continue to spend energy and time on the relationships in my life that don't give back to me. I know this....it's just the letting go of them that kind of break my heart a little. It's time to focus on ME, on what I need, what I want and stop waiting around and making concessions and changes for someone else. I've pretty much done that my whole life. I keep doing the waiting game, putting myself and my life on the back burner and thus allowing myself to become that person I fight so hard not to become.

It's time I find the things I want to do, the things I want to carry around with me and fill my backpack with those things....those people....those experiences.

I think it's time I become selfish.

Stopping

2010-05-17T12:49:00.002-05:00

I wish it were easier to stop doing the things we don't want to do....to stop wanting the things we don't have, to stop being disappointed by things. It would be so much easier if life were more like a light switch...that we could just flip it or turn it off when we wanted. But that isn't the case. We have to deal with everything and everyone as it happens.....sometimes all at the same time.

Vacations are great. They are necessary. It's a time to get away from your normal everyday surroundings and stop focusing on all those things you think you HAVE to do. Like magic all those things that wear us out always seem to be waiting for us when we return. Just sitting there, waiting for us to return and get back into our rhythm and swing of life. Not worries.

I forget how much being around the water, especially the ocean, refreshes me. Despite the fact that I lost my camera in the ocean, I still love it and forget how amazing it feels to walk the shore line letting the waves slap up against my legs. I love the feeling of the sand on your feet, the salty ocean that sticks to your legs and the smell...the smell of the ocean air is something I think those who live there take for granted. I guess it would be like us here taking for granted the quietness of a snowfall. We tend to not see what is right before us until we no longer have it.

Life has felt like quite the whirlwind of activity lately. Kind of feels like I am in a race for something. A new job, a new desk, new friends, old friends, quitting jobs....just so much. Family, friends, social outings....people leaving, babies being born, new choices that take people away from us....so much. Seems like I have been fighting for my place in the sun....being away from my everyday life for several days and firmly planting my feet in the sand really was what I needed to realize that I can stop any one of these things from effecting (or is it affecting??) me in ways I can't control.

Just stop. Stop wanting, stop trying, stop fighting....just stop. Stop expecting, stop being disappointed, stop trying to force myself to fit into anyone else's life. I guess just as I expect others to accept me as I am, I have to learn to do that as well, even if I don't approve of the choices they are making or direction they are choosing to take their lives. I have to be the kind of person that I expect of myself. The older I get the more more I find it hard to not say what I am thinking. My mantra has kind of been if you don't want my opinion, don't ask me because I will give it to you....but the problem is, it's MY opinion....it's not my decision, it's my opinion. I need to stop...I need to step back and let things be.

It's time for me to find my path and not even think about it but just begin walking. It's funny how much the fight wears us out and we don't even notice it until we stop...or try to stop.

Signs

2010-05-08T08:20:00.003-05:00

It's funny how you don't notice what you don't notice until you notice it. We are all on a journey. We all are on our own walk through life trudging along, hoping to have a hand to hold along the way, but ultimately we are all on this walk alone. Some days it's easy and fun and we enjoy it and other times a day feels like you are walking in a tar pit and you are slowly being sucked to the bottom.

There comes a time where we all have to decide what path we are going to take, we make a decision, commit to it and begin walking. Sometimes we change paths along the way, and that's ok. Sometimes we come to a point where we know it no longer matters and we stop, turn, and go another direction and sometimes, we keep walking and walking and walking and wondering...is this it? Is this MY path? Where am I going? What am I doing? Why and I here and we need a sign. We need a reason to keep on walking. We NEED it.

It's when we start to look for a sign, we might actually see one. My friend and I were talking about signs and she said if you get a message (sign) 3 times from 3 different parts of your life about something you really should look at it and consider it. It's like the Universe is conspiring to TELL you something, almost like it's SHOUTING to you to pay attention. Sometimes you need to be hit over the head with something before you see it. That might be the case for me.

I am a little bit stubborn. I know for some people that isn't a surprise to hear. I over think things possibly too, I'm willing to admit my low points. But I have been really trying to focus and think outside my own little bubble and see where life might take me and although it's scary, I think I might be willing or ready to move down another path.

I am off to lay on the beach for a week and do some soul searching and thinking and planning. I must really take these signs into account. What do you do when you stop questioning and just start doing?

Waiting to exhale

2010-05-06T13:29:00.002-05:00

You know those people, we all have them in our lives, they are constantly moving, going places, doing things, running here and there or taking care of everyone else in their lives but themselves. It's like they can't exhale....they are just on constant move mode. I am often that person.

Waiting to exhale. Waiting until all the days tasks are checked off my mental list and then I can rest. Maybe that explains why I don't rest well. Is everything really ever checked off our lists? Are our lists ever complete? Do we really want them to be?

This week the sudden death of a co-worker has made my mind spin off in ways I often don't allow it to. It's caused even more sleep issues than I normally have. This man was about my age and had a multitude of health problems but it didn't stop him from living his life. As a matter of fact the day he passed, he had been out shopping for household enhancements. He had Twins tickets for a game on Tuesday night and he had plans for his next weekend. Just like anyone of us, we plan, God laughs. It made me really start to think about how do I really want my story to end?

Part of my new job is to do writing for our internal website and this meant I needed to write a story about him. I collected info on his life here and talked to his manager and wrote a story about him. It's odd how you sum up some one's existence in a few short paragraphs and quotes from those who worked directly with him. What is your story? What will people say about you when you are no longer here? What will you be remembered for?

It's always so good until it goes bad and then it makes you wonder...why do we keep waiting? Why do we wait to buy something, or be happy, to see things we have always wanted to see? Before we know it the parties over and we become a few paragraphs on a website and our life becomes a box of memories for someone else. It's a little over whelming to think of it in those terms but really, when we aren't here to assign meaning or memories to physical things what good do they serve for anyone else?

It seems so far away, like that won't happen to us for years and years but really, it could happen tomorrow. We could be gone and not even have a choice. What will we leave behind. What will those who loved us have to hold on to? What mark will we leave behind to show that we were here, that we mattered, that we existed. What do we have to leave behind that says we were something?

If you have to write your own obituary, what would it say? Are you a beloved mother or wife? A cherished friend or lover? Are you a person of substance that leaves someone missing you? What do we have to leave behind?

Why then do we wait? Why does it take a death to make us realize we aren't really living? Why can't we see this now and live? Why do we wait to exhale?

Dry Spell

2010-05-03T07:07:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you do all the right things and still nothing happens. Nothing changes. Dry spell.

A dry spell is a period of time when progress comes to a grinding halt. If you're trying to find a new job, it may feel as though no one is hiring and you are stuck. You are likely to feel frustrated and discouraged and it feels like you have two choices - try harder (to no avail) or give up. This is also the time when self-doubt rears its annoying, ugly head.

Self-doubt and I are old friends. We know each other well. We have an ongoing relationship with no end in sight. So how do you deal with a dry spell in your life? Can't really avoid it once you realize it's here. It's like once you acknowledge the "elephant in the room", you can't help but look at it. I know you should be patient, take a deep breath, re-evaluate the situation and understand that despite what appears to be "the end of the road," really is a hidden path that will lead where you most need to go. Yeah, I get that....but it's not that easy to execute. Stupid self-doubt clouding my thinking.

Sometimes a dry spell is simply a challenge to maintain faith. We need to trust that all is happening as it should even when we can't see the results. At other times it might just be the kick in the pants we need to stop, think and let go. Let go of the past, of old habits, of crazy beliefs, or of a strategy that doesn't really work for us. Sometimes this letting go is more tangible like ending an unsupportive relationship to set the stage for becoming the "new you." Other times it might be that you need to let go of an unrealistic expectation - I have lots of them. Sometimes it's as simple as changing that picture in our head. That snapshot we have taken of the perfect life, the perfect path. It doesn't exist without work. Dry spells remind us that it's work.

A dry spell may be exactly what is needed to re-evaluate your journey and to reflect on where the course of your own life is headed. I am going to have some time to myself next week, something I am not really very good at doing. It's going to be a time for me to focus on me, what I want, what I need, and it's making me a bit anxious. I need to spend time with just me, my thoughts, my own self. Ohh, that is really scary to me. It's time I know, time to figure out what do I need to let go of in order to welcome new life changes I desire?

Sometimes a dry spell is what we need to force us to take that internal look and figure out what we need for ourselves. So much of my days are spent taking care of everyone else's needs that it's time I figure out what I need, what I want and figure out a way to make that happen. The hard part is that I need to figure it out for myself, how do I feel complete on my own. How do I hold my own hand on my path?

The thinking game

2010-04-29T08:09:00.002-05:00

Late at night when the world has shut down and it's quiet and peaceful my mind races like a high speed chase on a bad TV show. First thing in the morning, the second my eyes open, my mind engages and I have to get up to distract it....to do something else to stop it from just rambling down these paths that always lead no where.

I read a great quote yesterday and I keep thinking about it....I don't know how to make it fit into my blog or even my own thoughts but I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking, there has to be some way for me to use this great statement - "Empty storefronts dotted the brick buildings in between like missing teeth in an uneasy smile."

I love that line....there is just something about it that puts such a visual image in my head. For some reason it made me think of my childhood, of the things I would see out the car windows as we drove some place. The cities we drove through in Chicago that seemed to be blocks of store fronts all boarded up, graffiti covered boards and people sitting on the ground asking for money. It took me back to a time in my life where I sat in the backseat watching the world go by imagining the life I'd some day live.

I miss things about my childhood like the cool TV shows that used to be on. I don't remember TV being so consumed with commercials either. I miss the way they would play those School House Rocks blurbs between shows. I learned more from those probably than I did from school. I miss the way they used to show film strips in class to teach us about volcano's or history....I miss that you used to be able to ride your bike to the corner store without worry. I miss those terrible school lunches that cost .75 cents. Simpler times.

Change is inevitable, progression is good. I like that fact that we recycle, that we do things to save energy but I also like that I don't have to wash out a bread bag and reuse it. I kind of like the oddly disposable lifestyle I live. It's a double edge sword. I like what I like and I like the way things used to be.

It all started with thinking. Funny little ducks we are.

In someone else's eyes

2010-04-28T07:53:00.002-05:00

Just like Alice in Wonderland through the looking glass everything seems better on the other side. When looking at life through someone else's glasses things seem....different, better, possible.

In someone else's eyes I am not who I really am. I am so much more that I will ever be. I am this amazing person...someone with possibility, hope, drive, aspirations to change the world, but the reality is....I am just me....just this person who wakes up everyday hoping today will be better than yesterday and hoping that at some point today, I find my reason.

I look at others and do the same thing. I think "man, what I wouldn't give for that life". "If I had THAT I would be happy" or "if I lived there I'd be content" and for sure "if I drove that I'd be someone"...but the reality it....I am all that...now, with what I have and where I live and what I own. I have so much more than I even realize....yet somehow, some days, it just doesn't seem like enough.

I went to my boss's daughters senior recital. She is 17/18 years old and just getting ready to enter the real world on her own, going off to college later this year armed with all the ambition and amazing, surreal talent and it kind of stunned me how much talent one person can have. She has the world at her fingertips right now and all she has to do is just keep moving towards it with open arms. I see amazing things in her future. It made me wonder, did I ever have that kind of a moment? Did anyone ever look at me and think I could change the world? Did I ever have the world at my fingertips and all I had to do was move towards it with open arms or has it been this elusive, moving, merry go round of a thing that no matter how much I move or try to get there, it has always just been out of my reach.

Potential. It's amazing when someone has it. I think we all have it, it's just how much effort are we willing to put towards making it happen? As you get older and start to have what I like to call "life disappointments" it wears you down. As I get older I feel my "potential" slipping away from me, out of my control and out of my grasp. Is it because I'm too tired to fight the fight any more or is it that I've just come to accept myself as I am?

What does it all come down to? Do we become who we need to become because of the people we surround ourselves with? Do our friends and loved ones push us to that next level? Do they help raise us up to be more than we thought we could be? Is it because they believe in us? They support us and give us that extra umpf we need to go that extra mile or is it already there, hidden deep inside us just waiting for us to realize it for ourselves? Do we need anyone else to be more than we thought we could?

Something has changed in me. Something over the last year or so has changed inside my soul that is blocking me, stopping me from experiencing life and living the way I want to because I find myself needing/wanting/waiting for someone else to do this with. I feel the need to have another person with me, to be accountable to, to spend my days with and it's really strange. I have never been that person that needed anyone to do do things for me or with me but suddenly, things have shifted. I no longer feel like I can survive alone...yet the people I am choosing to let into my life aren't there for long term. They are just killing time until something better comes along...and I know this because as soon as it does, I am not necessary in their lives. I become the "back burner" friend/partner. The one they can call to help them move, or to babysit, or to comfort them when something goes wrong but I am not the "one".

I am not necessary to anyone other than myself. I get that, we all should be that way, but it's an odd realization when you actually realize it. When it becomes your reality. I can't blame people however, becaus I have allowed this to happen. I have allowed myself to play that role so in part, it is my own doing. There is no logic in life.

We surround ourselves with things that make us feel.....pictures that make us smile, clothes that make us feel good, shoes that make us feel like rock stars and people that help fill those little tiny holes inside of us that we can't seem to do ourselves. What happens when there are no more spots to be filled? Do we get rid of the old and get new or do we just keep layering them on, hoping that we have a spare in case of an emergency?

In someone else's eyes, I have it all. Now I just have to decide where to go with it.

Fake it until you make it???

2010-04-21T12:36:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had that feeling in your life when nothing is working? You’re feeling down, people you thought were on your side are suddenly not at all who you thought they were? You feel the whole world is against you and nothing is going right.

Unless you are a manic depressive, hopefully this only happens once in a blue moon. What do you do when this happens? Fake it until you make it...right?

There is a difference between fake and real energy. It all starts with desire. Desire - to wish or long for, crave, want. Maybe it's more like a vision....or purpose. Whatever you want to call it, it's the energy that comes from an internal drive or desire. What do you do when the days are too long and there is nothing left in your well to re-fuel yourself? When it feels like you are sleep walking through your own life. What if your desire for your own life has left you? How do you re-capture that core energy or desire and re-fuel your soul?

Ben Franklin said "a man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle." Being self absorbed wastes a lot of energy. It always helps to clear your head and to focus on something outside yourself. Change your focus, change your struggle. Life is about struggle. We have these assumptions that struggle is not suppose to happen. It should be easy...right? Struggle is part of the game. Without it, we would not have growth. Wasted energy comes from just sitting still and not learning or moving on. As the Dali Lama says "When you lose, don't lose the lesson."

Mostly when things aren't going our way we want to stop, to quit or hide. Really those moments are what make us re-evaluate where we are where we need to go. Are these messages we aren't hearing or seeing?

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" John Wayne

What you want

2010-04-19T09:27:00.002-05:00

I know there is that old saying be careful of what you wish for....you just might get it.

It makes one think about what we really want in life...and how do we get it. The Universe will tell you Thoughts become things...choose the good ones...but how do you make your heart and soul connect with your mind and have good thoughts. It's a daily challenge to figure out what it is we really want.

If time has taught us anything, it's that everything we need is already there, within us. It's there for the taking, all we have to do is reach deep inside and find where it’s hidden and pull it out. As my friend Heidi said "no one else can make you happy, or complete you, it's already there INSIDE you and you just have to meet the right people who help you remember that and bring that out in you. It's all already inside of us." I may not have her quote exact, but it's the general idea of we are all we ever need and it's up to us to bring it or not.

The challenge then becomes, letting go of all our own stuff that gets in the way. Whether it is the perfect relationship, adorable family, successful career, financial stability, glowing health, or something entirely different, getting what we want drives a lot of us. Even if we're not quite sure what it is that we actually want, or think we want, we still spend our time doing all sorts of things that we think might get us there. How exhausting!

All that wanting and doing can take us far away from ourselves and takes us out of the present moment where everything happens. The end result is often discontent no matter how much of the achieved "stuff" surrounds us. Clearing out the clutter that we've built up in our lives is a good place to start. Or so I've been told.

One of the biggest complaints people have is that they just don't have time. How many times have you caught yourself saying that…is it true or is it more habit? For me personally, I tend to fill my days with events and things to do so I don’t have that elusive quiet time. When we say we just don’t have the time, what we usually mean is that we don't have quiet time. It’s time to find some quiet time to defrag your brain. One easy way to do that is to turn the radio or CD off when you are driving and notice how you feel at the end of the day. Quiet time can be found in lots of places if we look for it.

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, and then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.” Unknown

When we make space, good things can happen. We've all experienced it. A simple task like cleaning the house can leave us feeling calm, relaxed, and inspired. There is literally more room to think in a clean house. Whether it is through cleaning, practice, meditation, or thoughtful planning, when we make space, the good stuff has room to come our way.

There are several easy steps you can take today to get what it is you want:

1. Be YOU. There is only one YOU on this planet. Take advantage of that. You are inspiring, creative, intelligent and capable. Spending energy trying to be like anyone else is foolish and not who you are, you are amazing just as you are.

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” Judy Garland

2. Do what you love. When doing something you love, no matter what you'd be getting paid, or think the outcome might be, not only will you enjoy yourself more, but you have a better chance of actually creating a sustainable life. Happiness is contagious.

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." Milton Berle

3. Trust your instincts.

"I feel there are two people inside of me, me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." Kim Basinger

4. Work hard. No one is going to do the work for you. You have to show up every time.

"Hard work has made it easy. That is my secret. That is why I win. If it were easy everyone would be a champion." Nadia Comaneci

5. Be nice to people.

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world” Anne Frank

6. Don't listen to your critics.

"If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business." Abraham Lincoln

7. Be patient. Things might not happen in the time frame you want. Patience can be your biggest asset. Cultivate it.

“One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life” Chinese Proverb

8. Take care of yourself. Your health is a responsibility that is completely in your control.

"Every human being is the author of his own health or disease." Buddha

9. Stop complaining. If you don't like how something is, change it. We can't change everything, but we can do quite a bit about our circumstances when we drop the complaints.

"Instead of complaining that the rosebush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses." Proverb

10. Have fun. Life is too short to not enjoy the ride. If you're not having fun then what's the point?

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Katharine Hepburn

Simpler times

2010-04-16T08:03:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own world, our needs, our wants, our own craziness that we forget about the simpler times in our life. Sometimes when you really aren't thinking - it happens.

As I was driving to work this am flipping radio stations because I'm bored with the CD's in my player and just haven't changed them yet and I detest the morning blather most radio shows tout, I all of a sudden hit a station that threw me back to my younger days and the simpler times. I remember when a Saturday meant something. It was a time to hang with my friends, to do something wild and crazy like maybe hang at the mall, see a movie or if I was feeling particularly "wild" - roller skate. Yes, I got my "wheel" on a time or two. I never did perfect the backwards skate but it was ALWAYS my goal. The song "Keep It Coming Love" by KC and the Sunshine band was just starting. Insert dream sequence here.

I remembered the first time I really noticed that song...I was at a Halloween skating party and I was grooving along when suddenly that song came on, the lights kind of dimmed, the disco balls were in full swing and this boy I had always had a terrible crush on came up next to me and took my hand. We didn't say a word, we just skated in that endless circle over and over and over and when the song ended and he let go of my hand and that was it. That was all I had, that one tiny moment in time. Simpler times.

Maybe that's why I try to capture a "moment" in film....to take me back to a happy place, to a moment in time where I was happy, I meant something to someone, for a second, for a minute, for a day...where I felt like for a fleeting moment, the world was mine. That's what those times mean....at least to me.

So I googled the lyrics to the song...which oddly enough I could remember almost ALL of the lyrics.....

Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop!Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop it!Don't let your well run dry, don't stop it now.Don't give me no reasons why, don't stop it now!Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop!Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop it!Don't build me up just to let me drop, don't stop it now!Don't turn me on just to turn me off, don't stop it now!Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop!Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop it!Don't tell me there ain't no more, don't stop it now!Don't turn me down and just close your door, don't stop it now!Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop!Keep it coming, love! Keep it coming, love!Don't stop it now, don't stop it, no, don't stop it now, don't stop it!

And really, who is surprised that there isn't more to this song than the good beat (easy to skate to) and the same sets of words over and over and over. With a few (three to be exact) little sentences that aren't the chorus....it was a hit! If you read the three sentences that aren't part of the chorus it's kind of strange how much it really is a message that is current for today. Nothing much changes....we get in relationships...or try to....with the wrong person all the time. That doesn't change over time....we try to give our hearts to someone who clearly doesn't want them. Weird how simple the message is and yet how it's also ageless.

I want the simpler times back. I want to look forward to a Saturday event that was as simple as a roller skating night. It's hard to be an adult.

Living in the moment or looking ahead

2010-04-15T12:37:00.002-05:00

I am a fan of the phrase "live outside your bubble". Meaning there is life and so much more going on in the world around you that people tend to forget anyone but themselves exists. We tend to be so focused on the here and now that we forget to look ahead, to look outside our own bubble and see anyone else.

I am just as guilty of it as the next person is personally but professionally my job is always planning ahead. I am always working on something coming up, something for next week, or next month or planning and preparing for something this summer. How do we learn to live in the moment and yet plan for the future.

We get such mixed messages as a kid it's no wonder we get confused as an adult. Don't talk to strangers yet we were plopped down on Santa's lap and told to smile and tell him what you want for Christmas. Though terrified, we obeyed our parents. Think before you speak. How can you do that when someone wants an answer from you right now....mixed messages. How do we learn to balance the living in the moment vs. the plan and focus on where you want to be.

I rode the elevator this morning with this young woman. She must have been in her mid to late 20's. She had a long flowing mane of hair, a white shirt buttoned up, tasteful jewelery and an skin tight pencil skirt that hugged all her natural perfect curves. She was gorgeous. Perfect. She stood there in her 1" pointed toed shoes (her feet will not like her later in life for that choice) and her Coach bag hanging off her arm that held her Starbucks (probably a soy latte) and she looked like.....hope. Hope for the future...hope that something that beautiful and perfect with her blue tooth hanging off her ear, was going to change the world. I could feel the energy oozing from her and I was jealous. Jealous of her beauty, her young-ness, her sense of style and mostly for her sense that she was most definitely going to rule the world.

As I stared at her I thought....I wonder what it would be like to be her for just one day. To be that pretty and together and young...it seems as if the world was hers for the taking. I wonder if I ever had that time in my life? Did I ever feel like I was going to conquer the world and be the master of the Universe? I can barely remember yesterday so I can't really say with any certainty but I'd like to believe I did...once....a long time ago in a land far, far away.

How do you not plan ahead. I like to have things to look forward to. But if I'm so busy planning what's GOING to happen, how will I ever learn to experience the here and now, the unexpected little finds the Universe sends my way. Is there a balance or is it one way or the other?

Friendships

2010-04-13T13:39:00.002-05:00

People matter. No person is an island, and we need connections with others to keep us motivated and to help us grow. I’ve recently re-adjusted my scope and definition of valued friendships.

Friends have always been important to me. People I can be my true self with, people who "get me" on a deeper level. People both personally and professionally I can turn to, and I'm lucky, I'm one of those people that makes friends pretty easily. I am of the notion that to have friends, you much be a friend. This is a strong belief of mine, a belief that it’s as important to me as any other facet in my life. I've always placed more value on my personal friendships, and usually frowned on the groups of colleagues who travel together in packs or just hit the town on holidays or weekends. There is more value in a friendship to me than an occasional let's go out and party kind of friend.

I'm slowly discovering, however, that personal friendships aren't always fulfilling. I’m happy for my friends and their own lives, and I make the effort to celebrate them when things happen and mostly they celebrate mine—the birthdays, the girls' nights out, the boyfriend issues and just plain old hanging out fun. But I feel like I've reached a pinnacle point in my life however, where I want more. I need more, I feel like I deserve more than I get and it's frustrating. I feel like I am the one giving all the time....always the one going to them, picking them up, doing what they want, spending time with them AND their families and I want to say what about me? What about spending time with ME? What about doing what I want? What I need? How about hanging out or talking or doing things we used to like doing. What happened to spending time with your friends?

Selfish? Perhaps. But I feel so disappointed from a personal standpoint, because I feel like it's time to cultivate friendships that are more of an equal spilt. I can't always be the one calling, planning, texting, asking to spend time with you. They have to want it to. I can't be the one put on the back burner all the time until they decide they need me, or need something from me. I need more. I desreve their time, attention and support.

Stubborn? Sure. Perhaps. There is a chasm between my definition of personal happiness, and those of my wider set of friends: Mine includes my career. I’m convinced, for instance, that if I had news to share of a marriage or a pregnancy, I would be accepted into the bigger picture, but because that is not my chosen life path, crickets. I shouldn't have to fight to spend time with the people I enjoy spending time with. I shouldn't have to always have conditions put on my time with my friends. I don't sit around waiting for them to finally decide to include me. I am out searching, cultivating, building new friendships who help fill that void. I can't be the "on call" friend. I can't do part time.

I guess it's time I figure out where my personal fulfillment really comes from. There are really two parts to it, personal and professional. On the professional front my peers provide a lot of my day to day interaction and social activities. I need them, and there is a good chance they need me, too - even if they don't realize it. Personally, I have to stop trying to make those people who have chosen different paths to come walk on my path with me, I have to let them go down their road without me and hope that someday, some time they will miss me an come back.

So, on the eve of yet another milestone of life, I must reflect and decide which friendships I invest my time and energy to and which I need to let go. I need to be sure I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”–Ralph Waldo Emerson

Having it all and enjoying it

2010-04-12T07:47:00.002-05:00

I am a big beleiver in two things - 1 - What goes around, comes around. Meaning treat others as you would like to be treated and eventually, it will all turn out how it's suppose to. If you give good, you will get good and 2 - Thoughts become things. If you thing positive things, they will happen. If you focus and think about the negative, it also comes true.

If only we could harness our own power and remember to always use it for good and not evil. These two messages keep coming back to me in many forms within my own life. I try very hard to be a positive person, to look a the glass as half full vs. half empty, I try to find the good in people, even the j-holes you end up having to deal with on a daily basis, not by choice but because you work with them or live in the same building with them....things you don't really have a choice on. Somedays I really need a reminder of what it's all about...what it's all for. Why I am really chosing to do what it is I am doing. Why am I spending my time and energy on these places or things....makes you stop and re-asses a little. Then it comes down to making the right choice. How do I want to spend my time/energy.

I hate being alone, I've always hated it and so I choose to find ways to fill my time, my days, my space so I don't feel alone, so I don't have to be alone. It's easy for me to do, but I admit, it's not for everyone. I like being connected to other people....I like having them around, I like texting, talking, sitting with, drinking with, eating with, walking with or just plain old hanging out with other people....but I get that it's not for everyone. Some people don't need that level of connection with me....or others.....so it's hard for them to stay invested in me.

It's funny how quickly things change. I beleive people meet when they are suppose to. That people come into our lives when we need them. That friendships are formed when two people meet and find they fill that void within each other and they connect and form a friendship. The hard thing is when one of those people then moves on and finds someone else, or something else to fill that void and your left behind, wondering what's next. What do you do now? Tiime is a an interesting mistress.

I have a terrible habit of comparing myself, my life, my wants and needs with others, whether it's one of my sisters, a friend or a co-worker. It's really easy to look at the outside of what others have and say "I want that life", "I want what they have", and to compare ourselves to what we think is the better life, the better opportunities...the better everything. When do we learn to be content and happy with what we have, with where we are, with who we are? When do we start learning to enjoy what we have instead of always looking for the next new thing, the "better" thing, more.

When do we realize we have enough, we are enough and enjoy it?

Living under water

2010-04-05T07:41:00.002-05:00

You know that sound your breath makes when you lie floating in the tub or some kind of water where you just sort of float with your head half way in the water, up to your ears and the world gets really, really quiet and all you hear is the sound of your own breath. It's like the entire world has shut down on you. The sun beats down on you warm and soothing and all you hear is the sound of your own breath. I would like to capture that moment, that feeling and use it when I need it during any given week day.

I realized after having an entire week off both jobs how quiet a person can be. I worked really hard at not filling up my days with stuff. I did a little bit each day that incorporated time with friends but made sure I had lots of me time, uninterrupted time to think and plan and....clean out the cobweb's. Not sure I completed the task 100% but I feel like it was a really good start.

I've come to realize something rather interesting over my time off. Change is always difficult. Especially when it's not me making the change. Sometimes we make the choice to change something in our lives like we choose to stop drinking coffee or stop hanging out with those people who we feel no longer have things in common with or quit some bad habit. But when we don't make the choice ourselves, it's harder to process and deal with.

When you are used to hanging out with a friend pretty much at the drop of a hat, a person you know you can always count on to be your partner in crime and suddenly they make different choices in their life like getting a new partner or a new job or they move away - you're left out in the cold. Your left alone and without getting to make the choice, you no longer have the ying to your yang. It's a little hard to swallow sometimes. Like all of a sudden the things you wanted to do with this person are no longer an option because they can't really give you the time anymore, your not their priority, your not the one they want to spend their time with anymore, your the one left alone wondering where you friend has gone and they go on, obliviously unaware of the empty spot they've now left in your life. It's hard to be the one left by the curbside as they move on with their life. Sure you get the occasional call to do something but it's no longer the same, it's no longer the batman and robin relationship you had. Someone always feels left out in the end. I'm just tired of it being me.

It's funny how much changes in one year. Last year at this time my life was so different. It felt like there was so much more good happening, so many more possibilities at my fingertips and barely one year later it's like I'm standing on a deserted street and giant tumbleweeds are blowing across the road.....ghost town. How does that happen so fast?

This week gave me a chance to look at my own life, my priorities, my wants and my own needs and to try to put them all in perspective and it's a little surprising where everything seems to land. I was telling a friend of mine that I feel lately like a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole...or is it visa verse? Either way, it feels like there isn't a place I just naturally fit.

It feels like a bad Dr. Suess book. The one thing I've really learned from my Yoga class is how important breathing is. Not just for the obvious reasons like keeping myself alive but how becoming aware of your own breath and how sometimes just focusing on it can make a huge difference. In quiet moments and in the midst of chaos, just focusing on controlling what little things I can really helps me get back to my center, to my core and think. I realize that's something I've been avoiding doing lately...I've been to busy or distracted to really spend anytime thinking. I went for a walk by myself on Friday and found myself really focusing on my breath and my own thoughts and I gotta say, it's kind of a lot to process.

So....just breathe.....that's going to be my mantra.....focus on the breath and the rest will fall into place.

Living a Simpler Life

2010-03-24T08:15:00.003-05:00

Living a simple life isn't as simple as it sounds.

What if I told you that you couldn't have anymore of anything... no more friends, no more money, no more anything until you first got happy with what you have?
Easy to change,
The Universe

p.s. If you're not happy with what you've got, it's hard to imagine that you're really thinking favorably on those things. The thoughts you think, perhaps unfavorably, limited, and afraid, are the ones that will receive priority in the manifestation of tomorrow. Uck.

The harshness of this message this morning kind of made me stop and think. Lately I've been spending a great deal of my energy focused on what I don't have, what I don't get, what I wish were my reality. I know your suppose to be thankful for where your at, for what you have - but there comes a time in your own life, when you just can't keep fighting anymore. When nothing seems to go your way and absolutely nothing seems to turn out right and you just don't seem to have a place and those proverbial doors your suppose to be able to open are locked, dead bolted and you just can't do it.

You need people around you to be the "doors", to be the people you can turn to in these times and just know that they are there for you, they get you, they don't judge you. They just hold your hand and walk with you until you find a door that will open. A good friend will do that for you and then in turn you will do that for them. You need these kinds of people in your life, you need those people that you know in your heart, you can turn to in any type of situation and they are always there.

Do we complicate our own lives by trying to fight a losing battle all the time? Are we preventing our own self from living a simpler life?

Learning to leap

2010-03-22T08:46:00.003-05:00

There is that old saying Leap and the net will appear. That statement has power and at some point in life we all have to take that chance, that risk and go.

I only remember it happening one time to me and it was mostly because I wasn't even thinking about it, I just did it. I just did what I needed/wanted to and suddenly I realized, there was a net....holding me close and I felt good and safe....for a short while. I think once I realized it, I got scared and that's when I found the hole in the net and boom....down I came.

Maybe that's what we are suppose to do in life, not think about it, just leap. I mean that's obviously where that saying originated from....leap and the net will appear. We get conditioned in life however to doubt, to fear, to not trust that the net will indeed be there. We get burned one too many times by people, life, our heart and suddenly we become so distrustful of our own soul. Can you imagine the power we could have over our own life if we trusted ourselves first?

I always want to leap. I have these grand ideas that flow through my head most of the night and then in the light of day, reality sets in and I cave, I give into the life I have and move on, forgetting all that I hoped for in the night. It's hard to live the life you want, crave, desire when y you are the soul provider. There is not fall back plan, no nest egg, no insurance if I don't work for "the man". No benefits, no vacation days, no one but me to take care of me so I cave, I put on my corporate gear and trudge off to a soul killing place and begin my days all over again, and again and again.

It's not as bad as I make it seem, it's just that it's the same thing everyday, no real change. Always fighting the same losing battle over and over and although sometimes the players change, it's still the same battle. Just kind of exhausting to the soul.

So I wait...I wait to leap. It will happen, it's about timing...timing is everything. I know the net will be there when I am ready...it's always there just waiting for me to learn to leap.

Another chance

2010-03-18T09:49:00.002-05:00

Why is it once something is over, some event is done, a relationship ends or a argument passes we always think of a better way to handle it. Or think of something more we could have done, said or acted? Why does it always feel "too late"?

Given another chance, would we really take more risks? Knowing what we know after the fact, would we have or could we have tried harder? Is it possible to avoid the regret that comes with the thinking of what might have been?

Lately sleep has not been my friend. I spend so much of my day running around doing for everyone else. Helping, assisting, fixing their issues, making everyone else's life better whether it be at work or at home....but the problem I am realizing is that no one, not even myself, accomplish that for me. What about me? When do I become the priority in my own life?

I realize the job I have and the life I have chosen to live allows this to become my reality but at some point something has to give back....give to me some little moment.....how do you make that happen? If thoughts become things then how much effort can I put into my thought process of what I need?

It's hard to ask for and get what we need. We start a life, a path, a chosen profession and at some point along the way we either embrace it or decide it's not for us and then what...we either continue to struggle through it depending on friends and family to keep talking us off the ledge or we at some point get brave and change paths.

Been there, done that...changed paths but it clearly wasn't right either...so I came back, sort of. I returned to the company and to different opportunities but still kind of the same. At some point though the old became....well, old. The same old - same old just isn't cutting it any more. If you aren't happy with your work it filters out into your own life and soon, like a cancer, it takes over your everything....and then you wake up exhausted, tired, worn to the bone wondering how it all fits together.

The Universe was full of infinite wisdom today:

The slate's been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. All that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.

It's not love. It's not God. It's not fate, or luck, or karma. It's not complicated or esoteric, and you needn't sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It's the only rule that's ever existed, and it's the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It's your purpose to discover it, and it's your destiny to master it. It's the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.

This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.

Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.

Aim high.

The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.

Sounds easy doesn't it. Now if I could just get my head to cooperate I can rule the world. .

No such thing as "the future"

2010-03-16T07:54:00.003-05:00

The future is an illusion, a thought, a promise of something better to come our way. All we have is now, followed almost immediately by another and another and so on.

We don't do anything suddenly. We don't suddenly fall out of love...it happens slowly over the course of time. A set of now's. We don't suddenly become famous or a bank robber or a parent - it's all a series of little moments....little now's happening over and over until one day we arrive at that place. The place that makes us feel like it's all so sudden.

It's not just the negative things this happens with....it can happen with good things too, like being happy, finding peace, connecting with your soul mate. It's all series of moments that build into your now, your current state. We get what we get because of what we think. As TUT would say - thoughts become things, choose the good ones.

Sometimes the power of our thoughts is so amazing to me. We have such power and we don't even know it. We get what we get by focusing on the thought, the need, the want, the elusive missing piece. Our actions drive our results.

So I ask you....why don't we harness this? Why don't we use this? Why aren't we the rulers of our own world? How do we give our power away everyday to someone else. Why do I continue to fight the world every single day? How do I take my own destiny back and stop leaving it up to anyone else to control? How do we learn to be the masters of our own universe?

It feels like all I can do is focus on what I don't have. Where I think I should be vs. where I am. What everyone else seems to have but I don't. How do we learn to live in the moment, to take what the Universe has given us and enjoy?

Those who achieve great things, defeat long odds, and become legends didn't have anything you don't have. They just kept showing up, expecting a miracle, long after everyone else got practical.
Here comes one now!
The Universe

If I am to believe the Universe, then really....I just have to keep on showing up - expecting my miracle, to keep on doing my thing and eventually, at some point, someday suddenly...things will change.

Do I dare believe the Universe?

Time - what's it all about

2010-03-15T10:50:00.002-05:00

Time is never on your side. When your younger you rush to get older, when your older you TRY to be younger. No winning. At some point you have to just accept that what is .....is.

Sometimes when things take longer than you thought they would, it's just a gentle reminder from your greater self (me), that you have more time than you thought, and that there's a journey to enjoy.
Yeah, like all the time in the world.

The Universe

Besides, just because it's taking longer than you thought it would, doesn't mean stuff isn't happening, even as you read these words.

Ever have a weekend where you just can't get motivated to do anything of your own, your own personal stuff. Like laundry, cleaning, rearranging, purging, cooking, shopping...nothing...you can't get motivated to do anything. Why does that happen? What hits the wall when we literally can't get our butts moving?

I know for me personally it's a combination of things. I do too much, I try to squeeze to much into one day. My day's usually start quite early even on weekends. This weekend was my weekend to work so I am up and moving at 7am. Hard for me to go back to bed once I'm up. Unless I have some reason to be all snuggled up with someone I often don't return to bed. Some days I am uber motivated to get stuff done. Laundry, shopping, cleaning, purging, handling all the things I keep putting on the back burner all week hoping I'll find the time once I get home to handle them, but usually it gets pushed back to "tomorrow". Soon however, all my tomorrows pile up and it becomes over whelming. Too much to do and suddenly that wall is staring me in the face.

This weekend though I really did accomplish quite a bit but I don't know how to solve my non-sleep issues. I thought it was my coffee in take, but I've limited that, then I thought it was my not being able to relax thing....but I'm doing Yoga now....sometimes twice a week, and now I just can't pin point the real issue.

How do you make your mind slow down or stop? Can you really shut the world out and just be zen?

Trying to pray

2010-03-10T11:19:00.003-06:00

What does it mean to pray? It is in quiet reflection and thought or is it in the loud, hand clapping soul releasing sound that makes us shout and jump around? How do you learn to pray?

It's a very individual process but I beleive at some point we have to try....try and connect with some higher power, some greater being or some spirit that is bigger than our own self. Something that gives us the will and the strength to get up each day and do this thing we call life over and over and over again.

I always think there has to be a bigger reason for me to be here than to just take up space. I feel like I insert myself into life loudly and proudly as if to say I am here, notice me and do not let me go by unnoticed. That unnoticed life....that's what I think I fear the most.

I love this quote from Salma Hayek - Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process.

It makes me feel like someone out there, some one I don't even know, understands what it's like to try to live a life outside of ourselves.

Everything makes you better

2010-03-09T09:16:00.002-06:00

Trying to see the glass as half full is really hard. All I can see some days is what I don't have. My coffee is half gone, my wine is almost empty.....my martini is empty. It's a real trick to train your brain and your heart to think the other way.

The Universe tells me this today: When something difficult or painful happens, always look to see what it makes possible that wouldn't have otherwise been possible. Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.

I think sometimes we get so bogged down in the why's of our life and the how's and we forget about the DOING.....

If something sucks in your life right now, ask yourself, "What is the lesson or the gift?" As soon as you figure that out, it will have served its purpose and will move on.

Kodak Moment

2010-03-02T09:25:00.002-06:00

I've talked about the importance of photographs to me before. I love those little snippets of time where things were just as I imagined. I was happy, surrounded by people I love and who loved me. Happy moments or seconds that are forever frozen in time with the click of a button.

Looking back, those are moments I accepted fully without question. They often bring me great joy, sometimes sadness because the person is gone or the relationship has changed or whatever the reason, it's no longer the same...but regardless, the ones I save, the ones I frame and hang up or choose to surround myself with are moments of immeasurable joy. Wish I could bottle that and open it whenever I wanted.

Ideally who wouldn't want to take all those moments and string them together and just live in those happy, fun, silly moments? I know...the reality is that nothing lasts forever and just when your feeling happy and content with the way things are The Universe steps in to shake things up and toss you some curve balls and you begin again....always changing, always moving, always something.

There is something to be said for the same old routine. I envy that in other people. Those who have a set way about themselves...sometimes the predictability of others is something I am jealous of. Not sure I could happily live that way for long, but the very thought of some common everyday routine does give me some kind of peace.

I like certain routines....like getting a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I know that each day at about 10 am I need a snack. I know that I can always count on the fact that there are certain people I can always count on when I need something...I don't have to even question that they will help......so I guess, I have some routines...I have some common denominator.

It's funny, when we look at people's life through a second in time, a picture, we imagine all kinds of amazing things happening for them.....to them....we forget to take into account that just like me, they have Kodak moments as well as normal everyday life moments.

Perhaps we are all the same...but different?

We never know

2010-03-01T13:32:00.002-06:00

I like that saying "we don't know what we don't know".

I always wonder how things will change...where they will go. What do we do with all this stuff in us that has become our routine, our life, our everyday stuff when things change.

I get up, get dressed, go to work, get coffee, go to my desk, do my job, come home, work....and so on and so forth but when life tosses us a wrench in the plans, when things change without our CHOOSING to make the change what do we so with all the ....stuff?

I go along my life path, mostly enjoying the ride and suddenly something comes along that makes me think differently or makes me act differently and just as I get used to that, it changes again. All of a sudden I'm left holding the proverbial bag. Feels like I'm always the one standing there like that scene in Poltergeist when that teenage girl comes home to witness her house imploding and her family running for their lives and she's standing there screaming...."what's happening?"

What's happening?

I know life is all about change and it's part of the reality of my own life but what we don't know yet is how this change will effect us down the road....we just don't know what we don't know.

We don't yet know the souls we will meet who might become such a huge part of our life, we don't know that we won't connect with another person in a way that we can't imagine a day in our life without them.....or that person we meet that teaches us some life lesson about our own self. I was pondering this today as I thought back to last year.

I was writing an article comparing our companies sales to last year at this same time and it made me think of my own life in those terms. Last year at this same time my life was moving in such a different direction, it's surprising to me how quickly that changes gears. I can hardly wrap my brain around these things fast enough. Where I am at now compared to the same time last year is so very different. It's not bad or good, it just is. It is so very different. Makes me wonder what next year at this very time will be. The Universe piped in with this saying today:

Right this very moment, there are beautiful souls on your beautiful planet, whom you do not even know, yet through your meanderings and theirs, paths will cross, love will be shared, and eternal friendships will be created. I'm still not done...

We are really the only ones who have any control over our own life and/or path but we let others join us for the ride or guide us onto new paths. I feel like we have to learn to take the steering wheel and gain control of where we go and how we get there.

Hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Steady Arms

2010-02-26T08:29:00.003-06:00

Some days you just have to create your own sunshine.

Sometimes no matter how much you want it, things just don't go your way. In those cases, we need to be able to go somewhere deep inside and pull the energy or motivation to keep on plugging away at our own lives. That is a well we have to be sure is constantly stocked, if it runs low or empty that's how we end up with self doubt and soon our fears begin to take over.

Learning to keep that well stocked is a hard lesson. Sometimes we don't even know it's been depleted until we dip into it only to hit the stony walls...suddenly we panic and chaos rules supreme because we have nothing to draw our energy from. Sometimes friends or lovers can help get up through those moments but overall, it's really up to us. We are the only ones who can really keep our own wells full with what we need, after all who knows better than ourselves what we need?

I wish it there were a warning light like in a car. When something is wrong some light comes on and you think "what the hell is that". You did through your glove box for your owners manual and look it up...or google it. Then you know how to proceed. Oh...the oil needs to be changed or oh the engine is gonna blow....but you at least get some what of a warning....danger Will Robinson...danger.

I think it would be really helpful if had some kind of warning light....some kind of a sign that our well was getting low. Maybe a flashing light, a warning sound possibly even a text message.

Guess it's something we need to be in tune with to be able to know when our well is low, maybe that's what our close friends are for...they are are warning lights.

The Messages we receive

2010-02-24T07:27:00.002-06:00

I believe in what goes around, comes around, that you get what you give. That we are constantly being sent messages from the Universe but we don't always hear them because of everyday life crap or we are so focused on where we want to be or what we want to have that we can't relax and hear what is being said.

Too much internal chatter doesn't allow any of the external stuff to penetrate and we get lost in the stuff that is our own life. But once in awhile, we have that moment, that second where everything looks new and clear and BAM! we can focus again, we can think. Suddenly the path lies before us clear and shining like a pretty new penny.

Three words....I LOVE YOGA!

Who would have thought it? I certainly didn't. I always thought it looked impossible to do...I mean really...those positions make me giggle like a school girl just watching experts do them but the very thought of myself in one of those obscure positions....not gonna happen.

Of course...every time you say NEVER it usually happens. For example...I'm never going to talk to him again and the second he calls you find yourself right back where you started, cursing yourself for opening that door again. So I said it...never gonna happen, not gonna do it...well I should not even listen to myself any more.

Lately the internal chatter has gotten out of control, nothing I do calms it, nothing I do stops it and frankly it was beginning to over run my life. I have been trying different things to quell it but nothing was working. My sister told me about this Yoga class she took and how after just one class she felt so much less stress and it didn't matter that she couldn't do every pose she felt good. I was a total doubting Thomas...but I agreed to go, to try it. I wanted to prove her wrong.

Wish I could insert a picture of me eating crow because that's what I did. Man, it was the first time in my entire life I felt centered. I couldn't believe first off that my body could move in those ways and how powerful I felt holding a warrior position. I have some work to do when I have to stand and grab my leg from behind me and some obvious balance issues but overall, I left there feeling renewed, recharged and for the first time in several months the internal chatter seemed to be very very quiet. Insane.

So the Universe tells me this today:

Sometimes having more fun and being happier comes from looking for each in crazy, new places; instead of waiting for them to come from where you've found them before or where others are now finding them. And I do mean crazy. Not just from the old standbys of travel, adventure, and romance, but from stretching, reaching, and growing. Accepting new responsibilities for your happiness, totally accepting others, and grasping even higher ideals. Philosophically taking yourself to places few have ever dared before.
Red hot smokin' love, The Universe

I've tried having more fun, meeting new people, doing new things outside my normal fun circle. I tired growing and taking on new responsibilities....thinking it would bring me happiness and contentment....clearly not working. I tried travel and romance (boo!) and thinking....well I thought I was thinking but whatever. I never considered lots of things but never once did I ever consider that my own brain, head and heart were blocking my path. Amazing.

So - here is my advice - for what it's worth. Don't limit yourself. Don't say no until you have tried. Open yourself up to the possibilities that messages are being sent to you right now and all you have to do is keep tuning your internal dial until the static stops and the words are clear.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

A few words on perspective

2010-02-23T09:33:00.002-06:00

The more you find good in others, the more you find it in yourself. If that statement is to be beleived then we must live outside ourselves to learn to live within ourselves.

Lately life has moved at a break neck speed and it's coming at me fast and furious. I have so many days where I can barely keep track of my own life much less plan anything for the future. I also have been finding it hard to find the GOOD in others. I feel like there is an alterior motive to almost everyone and everything. Like the friend who calls you and and asks "what are you up to this evening" and thinking they want to hang out you say "nothing" then they say "great then you can you watch the kids so my boyfriend and I can go out?" Really.....I can.....um...yeah.

I feel like I can't trust anything anymore, not even myself....I seem to make wrong decisions and I keep letting the wrong people into my life only to have to constantly clean up my own mess. It's hard to be an adult.

The Universe says this to me:
In all of time and space there is no challenge, pothole, mountain, chasm, hurdle, or foe larger than you. Not even close. Although if all you use to size them up are your physical senses... good luck!
Tallyho, The Universe

So really if there is nothing but ourselfs in our own way we can control it. Is it true that we are what we think and in turn our thoughts let us create the world we live in...if so I might be in trouble.

Tides of change

2010-02-20T11:38:00.003-06:00

Things never stay the same, as much as we want them to they always change. Really they have to. If nothing ever changed we would be in an endless cycle of the same old same old and soon we'd be so bored ourselves that even we wouldn't find ourselves interesting.

If feels like just when you are enjoying something it changes. I would really like some things to just remain as they are for a little while. To really let me appreciate them. I know if things didn't change, didn't go wonky or off track we would never really cherish and love the good things.

It just feels like the more things keep changing I can't keep my balance...like I'm walking on a tight rope in a really windy cavern. Personally and professionally things are constantly moving and changing and it's like I can't catch my breath. You know how after you have a really really good cry and you get that shuttering kind of breath.....where you keep sucking in air until finally you calm down....that's what it feels like right now....no air.

How does one get out of this path? How do you decide to just keep rolling with the tides of change but not let it push you down? I haven't watched TV in a long time....I see snippets of it but haven't really sat down and watched it....I did this today and I realized it would be really nice to have life scripted and able to wrap up in like an hour or 2 .....like a Lifetime movie.

Wonder if you could script your own life like an afternoon movie. It would be nice to have it all wrapped up and onto the "happily ever after" part in just a few hours. Wonder how soon before that would get boring.

I was at a gathering last night and had some time to talk with some people I don't get to see very often and it's funny how fast everyones life changes. Just one year can bring on so many mind boggling changes not just for yourself but for others. Marriages end, kids go to school, babies are born, love develops, cancer invades lives and yet we all manage to keep on going, to keep plugging away and moving forward. Sometimes it boggles the brain to think about all that changes without our permission.

The tides of change are like the seasons, you can't stop them from happening and yet we always miss them when they are done.

Vending Machine Moment

2010-02-18T08:20:00.004-06:00

You know that moment - we've all had one - the one where you stand before the vending machine waiting for your treasured goodies to drop. It's that one second where you've plunked in your last bit of change that you dug through your purse to find, made your selection of an over priced bad for you product and now you watch in anticipation as the little wire spins to release your prize!

Of course seconds before it's free and in your hands it stops and is turned at an awkward angle that leaves it hanging, suspended in mid-air, a tiny corner still locked in place by the wire completely denying you access. You scream to the God's above and try with all your might to shake it loose but the machine weighs 500lbs. Curses.

It's like meeting prince charming only to find out he sits around in his underwear, burping and shushing you while he watches TV. Or the very second you stick your face into that bag of chips, trying to gobble up every last little salty crumb and suddenly your boss walks around the corner and into your cube.....I call these Vending Machine Moments.

Sometimes it feels like there is a giant metal spring constantly blocking us from getting to that next step on our journey in life. That we live in some giant vending machine just shy of the nickel we need to get that over priced, air filled bag of Cheetos for two seconds of bliss. Sometimes we just need to have the bad food, the stale chips or the ultra small sized over priced candy....it's that few minutes of satisfaction that sometimes can help spring us forward into the next moment.

After all that's all our days are - moments. Moments after moments and each action causes us to move forward into another moment and without thinking we are at the end of a day. All comprised of thousands of moments...some mean absolutely nothing and yet other moments mean so much more.

What other realities are out there, hidden behind clouds in our own mind that we can't see? I realize that this is not an easy question to formulate an answer too. When I was younger ( and more ambitious) I thought I knew where I wanted to go in life, where I wanted to be. Things seemed so much clearer and easier then. I think I wanted power, fame, wealth. I craved experience, knowledge and desired passion. I felt a burning desire to save the world and to leave my mark, however, as life continues to move on and disappoints me I find I have less and less yearning for these things.

I have still have ambition, but ambition without desire is kind of like a firework that looks pretty but burns out fast. I need more. I need something bigger. I need more than a moment in time.
I‘ve had enough achievements in my life to know that those moments temporarily quench my thirst. Don't get me wrong, there have been some great moments but such moments are short-lived and when they are over, there is usually a crash...back to reality. Immediately followed by the inevitable...now what.....where do I go from here?

Each time I have set out to accomplish something, several failures usually come along for the ride. It happens quite unexpectedly. I energetically (and often naively) set off in pursuit of some goal going along my path and at some point failure rears it's ugly head. Failures at least in relation to my expectations. If, however, I persevere; if I give increasing amounts of time and energy to the task; if I learn from my mistakes; if I modify the goals as I proceed; then, often, there comes a moment of success.

But by this time— days, weeks, and sometimes years have gone by and the "who" I am now is very different from "who" I was when I began. Sometimes the "me" that committed to the goal has gone right when I should have gone left. Is this victory?

I wonder if I say: "I want this!" and it could be instantly fulfilled, if I would experience the pleasure anticipated with the thought. Or is the time between the wish and the fulfillment what really makes it all come together? Who knows what the result will be? I might no longer want that particular thing any longer or the current "me" might even be repelled by the outcome.

Even if I know clearly, and with complete certainly that I want this particular thing right now, how do I know I will want the same thing if I succeed sometime in the future? Further, because of time—because nothing seems to happen instantaneously, because of the inevitable pause between the wish and the fulfillment—any moments of my life spent getting "this" cannot be spend getting "that." Yet how do I know, when the moment of fulfillment comes, that I wouldn't have preferred "that" to "this?" Well, maybe I'll get both. If I work hard enough?

And I seem to notice that my bag of chips gets a little lighter with each passing minute—whether I enter the game or not. Is this the game of life?