Green means go

Lately life has seemed like an endless bumpy road and constant red lights or on some occassions a full out u-turn...... I'm usually a pretty upbeat person, pretty positive, I try to look for the good in things or people and usually at my own expense.  I give people the benefit of the douball the time and I trust the wrong people, I let people use me and I've always been OK with it.  It was a choice I was making.  I told myself....they need me....I'm helping them.....I want to do this - when in reality....I didn't, they didn't and it's just plain stupid.

I feel like I've been doing so much for everyone else - I did this because I thought it was "the right thing to do". I've spent countless $$$ trying to help "friends" because I convinced myself I wanted to....when in reality....I was trying to avoid red lights.  Red lights slow you down...life is full of them.  We always forge ahead at full speed and suddenly....red lights make us stop....I've been stopped for so long but I didn't even realize it until my drive into work this morning.

I've always had a hard time sleeping....I can never turn my brain off long enough to settle down at night....it's always running at warp speed and I've never know how to slow it down enough to get good sleep....as I've gotten older, it seems to have gotten even worse. I woke up extra early today, which isn't unusual for me, but I must have gotten up at the exact right minute and gotten ready and out the door in the exact moment....because my less than 5 mile commute to work usually takes me 20 minutes because of all the stop lights along any route I choose. Some how the Universe conspired with me today and I hit EVERY GREEN light along the way....it was shocking.  No one cut me off, no one stopped in front of me to take a turn against traffic so I had to sit and wait...nothing...every light was green and I was at work in less than 10 minutes...it was UNBELEIVABLE.  It made me think about how delightful it was to have all green lights...no stopping, no pausing, no waiting...just an easy breezy flow to start my day.  I can count on one hand the number of times that has ever happened to me....ZERO!  It made me thing....how nice it would be if life were fill of more green lights.....I could use some green lights in my life....

It's funny, the older we get, the more we start thinking about what really matters, what's most important.  It's time to get rid of all those things in your life that are holding you back, that are causing you stress and strive and sitting at red lights.  Time to make those lights green.  Stop giving your time and energy to the people who don't add value....who take and give nothing back. It's time to soar with all your worth.

The masks we wear

In almost every situation we wear a mask....at work, at home; in real life...we have many masks we wear. Some we choose on purpose, some we are forced to wear....it's something we learn early in life. Typically masks are the personality layer that we add and edit based on what we want to show to others. Our masks are created to hide the parts of us we don't like or to adapt to someone's version of who we are supposed to be. They are not authentic in any way and for the most part, we don't even realize the masks we wear.

This is a learned behavior....parenting and culture all take part in the early development of these masks. If you look at kids, they don't mask anything...they let you know exactly what's going on. If they are happy, sad, mad or anything...they let you know...it's as we get older and get taught that what we feel or think are not....what's the right word...acceptable...makes others uncomfortable....is wrong? Somehow we learn as we age, that what we feel must be masked, hidden, and kept out of view.

These learned skills are necessary to survive but they can stop us from being authentic or having real needs met.

For instance, if you grew up where self-control is valued and emotions are viewed as weak or wrong, you might develop a tough, nothing-can-touch-me persona that dismisses difficulties and looks down on those who show flaws. We are all flawed and vulnerable, although to different degrees, some of us are just better at hiding it than others, even to ourselves. The inability to express ourselves and show real feelings prevents us from experiencing real intimacy in relationships.

And then there is the working world....where it’s expected that we manage ourselves professionally. We are expected to be a certain way in action, deed and appearance. It's a hard mask to wear. I've almost always been a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of a person but somehow that doesn't translate well into the corporate world. I'm expected to be a certain way that in itself is confining limiting and it's exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to keep a mask in place.

Masks are the protective barrier we put up to deal with an essential human insecurity: that we are not enough as we are. Sometimes we confuse our masks with who we are. Separating the image of who we think we should be from who we want to be can be difficult and we become quite attached to the masks we wear.

We all are, well I guess I am, a social creatures, who need to belong. Belonging makes me feel connected and happy. But belonging while wearing a mask is less satisfying. One must learn to drop the mask a bit and become the true, authentic self. Being authentic is how we learn to belong on our own terms.

If you want to be authentic you need to look at your masks, you may still need to hold onto some - but you may be ready to let some go. Who do you think you are? Lift the mask. Who do you think you are now? Since the purpose of a mask is the need to be loved and accepted as we are, we need to be sure we are giving that back to others as well, thus be more authentic. You do get what you give.

There is a difference...isn't there?

I grew up in the 60's.  In those days we weren't taught the value of being true to ourselves, we weren't taught to dance to our own beat....we were taught to do what we are told, follow the same path our parents did, our grandparents and for God's sake...don't stand out!  So....where did I go wrong?

We grew up in an irish catholic (sort of - when it was convenient) household.  That meant we went to church on Sundays, not my dad of course, he worked soooo hard all week, he didn't have to go.  We had big family dinners with our extended family often and we learned the value of money early on. Because there were so many of us, we were not a family of lots of extras.  I had my first paying job at age 11 and I think I've pretty much worked since then.  I don't really ever remember a time I wasn't working. I've always wanted more...better clothes, prettier hair, toys, anything more.  It's always been a fight....I'm exhausted.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give up, let go or move on...and really...what is the difference?

Giving up to me feels like quitting, like you're throwing in the towel and just not going to do it anymore.  Kind of like a bad relationship, you give up, you stop fighting against what is real and stop pretending things are fine the way they are and you walk away, you turn the page, you give it up.  It doesn't have to be a negative thing, it just is.  I've given up on friendships, jobs, and even myself.  It's not always bad, it just means you have to stop fighting against what is. 

Letting go seems to be a more zen based option.  You surrender and trust in things. You move forward with delibert actions. You are able to know what is the truth and with your inner knowings you recognize that doenst need to continue and you turn the page and move on...letting the past be in the past and you move forward with hope and contentment towards the future.

Moving on would appear to be the final step in either situation above.  It's like the next step once you decide your course of action. It's a choice, it's like you are choosing to take a jump and not actually falling.  You can look past what is, what was and where you are and move forward, get on with it.  Shake off the past and see where the fork in the road goes.

So...what is the difference?  Is there really one?  Actually, all those steps are getting past the stuff that isn't working.  The relationship, the life, the job, the friends....everything that isn't bring you happiness and fullfillment in your current state....so I guess no matter what you want to call it, the first step is actually going to be the action. 

Change without action is pointless.

Like a Phoenix rising from the ash...

As the story goes...a phoenix is a mythical bird from Greek mythology that lives up to 100 years. Near the end of it's life, it settles into a nest and then burns furiously until it is nothing but ash and dust. From that, a fledgling new phoenix arises renewed and reborn.

So from stress and strife comes a new life.  “Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
~Fritz Williams

Although no one has died, I do feel reborn...sort of.  Water always does that for me...as does some time away from my own life.  Even though this trip I had planned, saved for and worked lots of extra hours for was tiring, it was very rejuvenating for my soul.

I would have liked to have spent more actual DOWN time but there was so much to see and do it didn't feel right to do that...so I pressed on.  I don't regret one minute of it.  What I do regret is not taking the time to really talk and get on better ground with my friend who shared this adventure with me. Life always gets in our way back home here and I was thinking we would have some really free time to talk and get better connected. We were together 24/7 and we got along fine, at least as far as I know, but there was always this sort of unspoken thing going on between us that we just kept filling with activities until we were too tired to even think...then off to sleep, aka, to regenerate ourselves and then off to do it again.  It was probably the best vacation of my life and yet I came back to my own life of chaos, clutter and emptiness only to try to pick up the pieces I so easily left behind when I closed and locked the door.

It's funny, the older I get, the less I care about the things I used to. I spend way more energy and sleepless nights on the relationships in my life then I ever did when I was younger.  When I was younger, I was like...meh, oh well, it will be better tomorrow and now I worry....what if I don't get tomorrow?  I have to deal with it now.  I feel much more anxious about the things unsettled or unfinished in my life that ever before.  I suppose that comes with the fact that we all have to face our mortality.  I mean we are all only here for a limited time...no matter how much we fight it.

I am filled with constant regret over things I didn't get done in a day, or people I didn't reach out to, or things I can't get resolved. Over lost relationships, struggling to fit into places and people's lives that I don't really...it all gets so exhausting.

This is the story of my life – especially the part about burning ferociously. Life presents me with challenging circumstances that always sort of push me to my limits. I have to fight to keep my sanity and to look at things with fresh eyes so as to not bring the old in with the new. That's hard. I know I am not alone in this, it happens to all of us at some point, it’s a part of the human journey.

I spend much of my time being busy, trying to make things happen and often, I seem to overlook what is actually happening. I guess it's time to formulate a new plan. I am tired of being frustrated and impatient. Things happen in their own time - and yet I have very little control over what happens. 

When darkness descends, joy is blotted out, buried, seemingly non-existent.

The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness.  These last month have me feeling like I've been through the fire  and not it's time to focus on what I can do to rise from the ashes:

• Let things happen.
• Give up trying to control.
• Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
• Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
• Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
• Take good care of yourself.
• Get perspective.

It's a new season and thus a time for rebirth and growth.  It's time to fly.

Saved up wishes

I recently came across some old photographs of my grandparents. They were young, like mid 30’s and they looked happy and carefree and it made me smile.  They had their whole lives in front of them and it didn’t appear they had all the worry lines that life provides added to them yet. They didn’t appear to be worried about their health as they sat happy as can be, both with a cigarette perched on their fingers and a cocktail in front of them.  They looked glamorous and completely content with their choices. Isn’t it funny how fast things change.

It got me thinking. Thinking about what they were thinking about. Did they have a plan for their future? Did they know sitting there on that blanket in some park that in 15/20 short years my grandfather’s health would deteriorate to a point that they would move from the cold home of Chicago to a warmer retirement climate in Florida?

That in an even shorter time the cancer would invade his body and slowly his seep into his brain until he had nothing left of who he ever was or thought he would be. Or the fact that my grandmother would be left alone in a city where she would live until I went down one November and packed up her life in a weekend to bring her back here, with her family, to die.

What did they wish for in those early days?  And did they ever achieve them?

I’ve been missing them a lot these days….maybe because of the holidays, they loved Christmas. My grandfather’s nick name was Frosty. My grandmother decorated a tree like no one ever does. Tinsel covered ever inch and I’m sure could be seen from space, it was glorious. I’ve been thinking about them and the life they lived. They saw some really tough times. They lived through a war, their only son, my uncle being in Vietnam. My mother marring a man they despised. Alcoholism, depression, death of family and friends…they saw it all and yet, they remained together and true to each other their entire life. There was no divorce, no walking away when things got hard but they took care of each other, they loved each other. With love anything is possible. Maybe it’s because they were two people who no matter what, loved me unconditionally. They never cared how much money I made, what I wore, if I was dating anyone…..they loved me….me for me. I miss that. 

I remember one time I asked my grandfather what his new year’s resolutions were. He laughed out loud. He had this amazing, raspy smoked one too many camel’s kind of laugh that always made me happy. He said I don’t waste my time making resolutions….I make lists of things and I try to get to them, if I don’t then I don’t….why set yourself up for failure. I sure do miss him.

“When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out.”

It’s like something has gotten lost along the way. Where are the saved up wishes?

Never changing who I am

Happy 2013. It's been a while since I blogged...one goal is to get back to it more regularly.

Another new year is upon us and as I was driving into work this morning I was reflecting on where my life is at right now.  I am healthy, moderately so, still fighting this cold but overall healthy, I am employed, actually with two jobs, I have a nice home, reliable transportation, amazing friends and a supportive family. One could say I have a pretty good life. I am content….I don’t know that I would go as far as to say happy, but I am content.  I think that’s ok…it gives me something to work towards.

I am going to be 50 this year…and while that number when said out loud kind of makes my skin crawl….I don’t mind it. I feel I have enough years, experience and crap behind me to own that age without apology. 2012 was a year of some major changes for me….some good…but all a necessary part of life.

I’ve come to embrace and understand that no matter how much you want something and how hard you work towards it you don’t always get what you want so you have to learn to settle for what you have. It’s a hard lesson to this day I’m still struggling to accept and be OK with but – it is what it is and I can’t spend any more energy and time focused on it. My life is what it is and I have to just be content with it.

What I have decided to stop doing is apologizing for who I am. I am pretty darn OK just as I am. I’ve decided to quit trying to change to fit other peoples molds of who they THINK I should be or how I should act or who I should hang out with. Quit trying to keep negative, mean, unhappy people in my life. I am who I am and I won’t apologize for it. If you don’t want to have me in your life – ok…that’s fine, it’s kind of sad for you because I am a pretty good person to have around….for real. I’m certainly not perfect, I’ve  made mistakes, I’m pretty sure I will continue to, but I am a good and true friend…for those who can’t see that…again…it makes me sad for you.

I was thinking about how I used to make my thoughts, opinions, plans all revolve around someone else. Their wants, needs – I let them have control of things.  I played my part; I thought that’s what I was supposed to do but no more. It’s taken me a little time to see it’s good those people are not in my everyday life. I don’t hate them or wish anything for them but happiness but I’m just glad I am choosing not to be a part of that life anymore. I have let a lot of things go over the years for myself…but now I see that really isn’t true to me. I am working hard to hear my own voice….to surround myself with people who are good and true and add things to my life vs. sucking things away. It’s time I made better choices both emotionally and physically….so good bye to the old…..and hello to whatever this year may bring.

I am living my life for me….if people don’t like it then you know what….don’t be my friend. Don’t be a part of my life but don’t be mean or try to make me change because I am never going to change who I am.

Don't let others define you. Don't let the past confine you. Take charge of your life with confidence and determination and there are no limits on what you can do or be.

~Michael Josephson

 

Do squirrels have a death wish?

I usually take the lake route to work. I drive past Lake of the Isles and weave my way into downtown down 28th street to Park and into work….I’ve noticed lately that there seem to be a lot more squirrels taking their lives into their hands. It’s almost like they enjoy playing dodge cars but the risks are much higher.

I am often slamming on my breaks to avoid the darting squirrel….I wonder what they are thinking. It’s like dodge ball trying to get around the lakes without hitting them. Do they sit on the side of the road and wait until the last possible moment to try to cross the street? And why do they dash out, sort of pause, turn and then turn again like they can’t make up their little squirrel minds about which way to go? What is up with that? I worry I may be turning into a squirrel.

Life comes at us fast and furious. I feel like I’m always running around, going from here to there to here all while trying to maintain my sanity and it’s getting harder and harder. The change of seasons presents its own stresses. I have what I believe are seasonal allergies and also many of my co-workers are working through their end of summer colds/allergies as well. The endless sneeze fests and those coughing up their lungs around me add extra stress and pressure to my day. I am pumping myself full of Vitamin C and Purelling every time I leave a meeting just to stay ahead of all that is flying around me. It’s exhausting!

It’s also the time of year I love best, cool sunny days that scream apple picking or drives around to look at the leaves changing….which is hard to make the time to do….but my soul is crying out for it…so I will try to squeeze it in…this is why I feel like an out of control squirrel.

Go here, do this, be there, be nice, spend time with friends, see your family, clean my house, make dinner, wash my car, do my shopping, hang my wine rack…so much to do and thus I spin in circles…I really need to get some people….for real this time.

I was curious about the symbolic meaning of feeling like a squirrel…so I googled it….and of course found all I needed to know and more. One places suggests that a squirrel is a message to us to remind us to have more fun and to take life a little less seriously. Ok…I can buy that. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and worn out by life so I can definitely get on board with the have more fun piece. It goes on to talk about how a squirrel is known to save and hide its food to survive the winter months and it may be a sign to us to take a deeper look into our own lives and be sure we have the “provisions” we need to survive. Ahhh…this squirrel metaphor is turning out to be deeper than I had even imagined when I began dodging them on my drive.

So…what do I need to consider for myself? This is a deeper question and one that will require some thought. One message goes on to talk about how a squirrel only actually finds a very small percentage of their nuts and keeps them safe for later use. That the message here is one of balance…we reap what we sow. It’s telling us to be mindful in our moment and to be the seeds we plant in our own life. Ahh, these social creatures who are much more clever and meaningful that I ever imagined. Who knew that they were such social creatures, often traveling in a pair or packs, which means they are much like myself. The squirrel reminds us to communicate with others but to honor those around us at the same time…so this little gather is really just preparing for the future and reminding us to get our ducks in a row to be prepared for what it to come.

So after having some time to ponder and work through this, I think it’s not actually so bad if I feel/act like a squirrel…it means I am simply getting prepared for the future.

Nuts for my friends!

Beautiful from the inside out

I haven’t been to a wake in a long time where the body was laid out. I always find that such a disconcerting event. It’s always sort of made me wonder why we take a loved one and dress them up to the nines and lay them out for everyone to see one last time. It’s often the best that person has looked in YEARS. I mean their hair is perfect, their makeup flawless and there is none of the everyday life stuff adding lines of stress to their faces….it’s a beauty that comes from the inside. Total and complete peace. I wonder if that's the reason it freaks me out so much, that complete and total look of peace and contentment? Have I become to cynical about life? Have we all?

I realize this display is usually for the family and friends of the person, the last time they get to be/see their loved one but it’s always sort of freaked me out a bit. I almost always expect them to sit up and say something or to yell at someone for something going on. Today is my dad’s birthday, he would have been 73. He had a hard life, mostly self-imposed, but still, it was a hard life. He wasn't happy. I don't think he was ever happy. He always wanted more, needed more but from what I could tell, always looked for the easy way to get that...which often meant more stress and work in the end.

It wore on him - and it showed. Towards the end of his life, he always wore a pained expression. He always looked as if just being alive was exhausting him to no end. He was in constant pain and I would offer a constant state of confusion because of the multiple medications he was on. He always looked like he was somewhere else - or desperately wanted to be somewhere else. When he died, it was my family who wanted to say one last good bye to him so we laid him out for all to say good bye.

What struck me at that time was the absolute and complete look of peace that he had. No longer were life’s everyday issues/concerns/pressures weighing him down. No longer were all the failures weighing him down, it was a complete and total release of all the baggage and stuff life adds…..gone…in the absence of a single breath….gone.

Recently I attend my friends mothers wake…same thing, her mother was laid out and absolutely beautiful. She was so peaceful looking. None of the last, hard days wearing her soul out showed. She was peacefully laying there for all to say good bye to one last time. Death really is beautiful. The weight of the world gone and nothing drags them down anymore. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to capture that while we are still here.

I wonder if people have the ability to do that? People like the Dalia Lama or Mother Theresa? I mean the really amazing and good people….but their life isn’t without stress and strife. They give up a lot to live the life they’ve chosen. They give up comforts and possessions and lots of things to be able to give back to the greater good but I wonder, as an every day “Joe”, can we do that? Can we live a life of carefree, stresslessness and ultimately happiness? I’d like to think so but it stresses me even more to think that at my advanced age I still don’t have that peace and contentment I thought I’d have.

What will it take? What does a soul need? Is it ever too late?

Clouds in my coffee

The clouds were amazing today. My drive into the office takes me around the lakes, it’s a relaxing way to start my day. The sunrise reflecting off the water, the ducks happily swimming lazily through the cool morning water and the challenge of avoiding the joggers and bicyclists as I make the trek in is both soothing and a way to help me get focused and centered on my day.

The storm last night that came through must have been a little more intense than I thought. I heard the rain hitting my windows but now that I’m half way in the ground (not death-wise, I have a street level apartment now) I was nestled all snug in my cave and didn’t really think much of the story, but my drive around the lakes proved me wrong. There appeared to be some strong winds that came through as the lake path was littered with downed tree branches and chunks of branches and leaves. As I dogged them, the joggers and bike riders, I realized the weather was a little more severe than I thought. Got me thinking….life is like that. When we stay all closed off in our own little bubble we don’t know what’s really going on outside of us until something forces us to see it.

The clouds this morning were interesting too….sort of 2-D. The sky was filled with these amazing white fluffy beautiful clouds scattered blissfully across the sky and seemingly not at all moving – still as night. There was this layer of darker, very fast moving clouds over them, almost racing across the morning sky whisking away all the beauty and sunlight hidden behind. It was rather distracting to see….I sat through one whole light this morning as I stared at the sky trying to figure out if they were rain clouds or just the remnants of last night’s storm moving on…finding another place to settle into.

Much like those moments in our life, the lies the unhappiness….come in and covers the goodness and light and with once you acknowledge it, it’s like they become the fast moving dark clouds, rushing past us trying to find a new place to land.

I often think of the correlation between the weather and our own lives. I mean it can be full of rainbows and butterflies and in just the blink of an eye a storm can roll in bringing destruction and chaos before you even have a chance to take cover. Life is always changing, no matter how many times you think you have it figured out, some cloud burst or ray of sunshine forces it’s way in causing us to rethink, redefine and change course.

Guess we need a really, really big umbrella.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Keep Calm and Carry On is a catchphrase that originally appeared on a World War II British public safety poster. It was intended to be used to strengthen morale in the event of a large-scale attack or occupation, which many considered inevitable at the time. The intent was to help reassure the masses and to finish what they started. It’s a mantra I am trying hard to adopt.

A friend gave me a gift that touts this saying…it makes me happy every time I see it. As an added bonus, it came with a postcard of the saying (which I immediately blinged up and hung on my desk at work) and a small sticker which I placed on my car. Mainly it helps me find my car in a sea of cars in a parking lot because I can never seem to remember I have a new car and where the hell I parked it, so this distinguishing mark helps me find it and arrive back home.

Keep calm….that’s not something I’ve ever excelled at. I tend to be very much like Chicken Little – the sky is falling…the sky is falling! I grew up in a big family and I think I have that mentality that if it doesn’t happen right now, it won’t happen. That’s part of the downfall of a large family. You develop this mindset that it has to be RIGHT now or it’s not going to happen. You don’t even realize you are living this way until others point it out. Maybe always meant no, we’ll see always meant not a chance in hell, and go ask your father/mother always, always meant it wasn’t going to happen. Keep Calm and Carry On would have served me well during my younger years for sure.

As an adult however, I find it difficult to shift the learning that I have. I know, I mean in my head, I know the difference but somehow it doesn’t translate into my soul. I know you shouldn’t expect one thing from anyone else. Nothing, nada, zip….but I do…I always do and that’s where I go off course. I expect things in return…common sense to be used but how can you expect that from someone when their definition of common sense may not even come close to your own?

I love the curiosity that young children have. They have no fear, no worries they pretty easily go with the flow….it’s too bad we lose that as we get older. Last weekend we had a family get together up at cabins on Leech Lake. It was a fun family bonding time and I got to spend some uninterrupted time with my 2 year old nephew who was happy as a clam to pee outside, sit in the water with Auntie and pick up rocks and toss them in the water over and over and over. We picked up rocks, filled our bucket and tossed them in the water….marveling at the splash each one made. Somewhere along the line he’d pick up a fairly large stone and barely toss it in with a grunt like he was working sooo hard to toss the rock. That was the extent of our day – tossing rocks. It was so very relaxing to just do nothing…play in the sand, toss rocks and enjoy the sun. As we gathered our rocks to toss, we found that along the dock was where tons of rocks settled….I’m sure they were pushed to the side due to the waves and over time one blocked another and another until they became a pile. It was a nice endless source for us so I didn’t have to dig them out of the sand. Problem was as things sit in the water over time they get slimy…from the algae and various other things….like fish stuff and other lake items. So some of the rocks were kinda gross…but as a good Auntie does, I just powered through the slimeyness and keep filling the bucket. My nephew helped and at one point he turned to me and said…look Auntie, it’s stuck. I look at what he is trying to pull off his finger and it’s of course a leech. I mean we are in LEECH lake so I imagined at some point in time it was named that for a reason. Now I’m NOT the great outdoors woman I pretend to be….I hate bugs and I am not into fishing in anyway other than I do enjoy a boat ride – so I had to be the calm one and pull this leech off him. It was stuck pretty good on his finger and as I tried to grab the slimely little bugger off him it would latch on again, finally I got it off him and me and managed to do so without freaking him out. He was pretty excited to tell everyone he had a leech. Ahh the things we do for children.

I could have totally freaked out like the time I found a tick on the inside of my thigh on the car ride home after traipsing around in the woods like I was freaking Little Red Riding Hood. I was with my sister, her husband and my little niece who was maybe 3 or 4 years old. She was conked out and I literally threw my leg up and out the window as we were speeding down the highway assuming the wind would blow the tick off. It didn’t but you can imagine this sight. I moved like a ninja for sure! But with the leech, I calmly pulled it off and we went back to our rock adventure. Keep Calm and Carry On.

So...here we are back to life, back to reality and all the things that seem so stressful and out of our control seem really small and insignifigant when you put them in the perspective of "things could always be worse". I could have never found that leech stuck to my little nephews hand, I couldn't not have bravely pulled it off and continued on our path of rock throwing...would my world be any different? Probably not, but now I feel a tiny bit braver and some of the things that were stressing me out before I went away for the weekend don't seem quite as bad a pulling a leech off.  So...Keep Calm and Carry On my friends...keep calm.

Possibilities are endless

I love the word POSSIBLE. It gives me hope. It inspires me. It makes me happy and giddy with the possibility of something new and fun.

Somedays you wake up and everything in life seems possible....other days it feels totally impossible...but yet we keep plugging away and putting one foot in front of the other until it feels possible again.

This weekend is going to be FULL of possible! My father passed away last year - kind of unexpectedly but if anyone knew him, it wasn’t really THAT unexpected. He had been sick on and off for years. Multiple emergency trips to the ER that my sisters endured, often early in the morning or late at night, because they were the closest not only personally but locally. He was often not expected to pull through the latest bought of some sort of medication/heart failure/blood pressure kind of mess….but he always did. With his stubborn, strong as-an-ox pace maker assisted heart, he always pulled through…until the one time he didn’t. But that’s not important now.


Upon his death my siblings and I gathered to clean out his house, to basically erase his existence from this earth with a family pow wow one Sunday afternoon in April. Within several hours, all traces, well almost all traces, of Vic was removed from the apartment he called home. His belongings boxed up to be sold or donated and some claimed by his grandchildren and children, but mostly, within a few hours he was physically and materialistically gone. All that was left to do was to say our good-byes and bury him. We actually cremated him. I don’t recall right now if that was HIS wish or ours…but it made sense. My father was never one to plant his feet anywhere and call it home. He has a few brothers left in Chicago and Nebraska but other than that, just us, his remaining gene pool, to call his world. So we cremated him. We all seemed to be in agreement of it, which is a feat within itself to get a large group of people to agree on anything. I remember all descending upon the funeral home we chose and I often wondered if that funeral director ever had that many people in a room making the last choices of an individual. The room was filled with my sisters, my mom, my nieces and nephews (his grandchildren) and if I really think back, it’s possible a pet was in there too. Anyway, we had him cremated and in a few days we could pick him up and do what we wanted with him.

Ahh…the possibilities!

It was probably the first time that I can ever remember that we, the children, got to make ANY decision regarding him. In one way, it was a little empowering, in another, quite sad for my siblings….as this was their last moments with their father. So there we had him…all neat and tidy in a small box ready to do something with him. We knew he loved fishing, probably was the one thing in his life he actually LOVED. That apparently was where his happy place was…so we decided we would let him fish forever by releasing him into the water he loved so much. So we planned, we made it possible, everyone adjusted their life, their schedules and we went, as a family, to his happy place and we read a poem, sent him away on a boat and sprinkled him into the waters he loved so much. Just like that, Vic was one with the water.

The possibilities for him now were endless. He would become part of something so much bigger than he ever was, he would meld and blend and become one with all that touched that water. There were tears, there were stories, there was drinking….a toast of his favorite greek beverage that tasted like lighter fluid and we all went back to our lives with the solemn vow that once a year, we would gather as a family and spend some time together while we were all here. We agreed upon a weekend in June and we all planned our lives around it. That weekend is coming up…June 8-10. Yes the siblings and their families are gathering and celebrating life and family and all that we are….in tiny cabins nestled along the waters our father cherished so much.

There will be stories, there will be drinking and I’m guessing there will be tears - but the possibilities of this gathering are infinite. The weather looks to be beautiful and both my brother and brother-in-law have boats so among the large gathering, we may be able to score a boat ride or two. There will be kids, adults, my mom, multiple nieces and nephews and their significant others and of course pets. There will be pets. Now picture this….we have reserved three 2-bedroom cabins that each accommodate possibly 6 people. Each cabin has the same things – bedroom 1 sports a queen size (or double?) bed, the other has 2 twins and each cabin has a futon that folds out. So…..potentially 6 people could sleep there……moderately comfortably I would say but as usual….with this group, we are an exception to the rule. In my cabin there will be 8 – possibly 9 adults and a dog. In cabin 2, my brother and his family I believe are at the count of 9 plus two dogs and finally in cabin 3, I think they are at 9 as well, a 2 year old and an 8 year old but pet free….so yes….the weather MUST cooperate for us.

Oh the possibilities of this weekend! I am giddy with a touch of apprehension. This is going to go one of two ways, it’s either going to be insanely fun-filled, laugh packed and silliness abound or it’s going to be a chaotic nightmare that seems like there is no escape from….50/50 shot. I know last year we had more space and less people in a room and yet we all gathered in my sisters cabin at night and laughed until my sides hurt and told stories and had an absolutely delightful time and I was in a knee brace having blown out my ACL. I was in a moderate amount of pain (no pain pills) and I still had a rocking good time….so I’m led to believe that this year, the possibilities of the same are pretty high.

I imagine we will be outdoors all day Saturday playing, boating, building family memories….it will just be the night time when the possibilities change. I’m driving all by myself…mostly because I want to have an escape option if I need it and also, I am really feeling like with that many people crammed together, I might really enjoy the 3 ½ hour car ride alone. Details of the weekend will follow.

I wonder, if my father had not died….what possibly would have made us gather together as a family and share some time in our lives like this? I mean we do this at Christmas but it's usually only a few hours and then we all go back to our lives, touching base here and there but rarely as a whole group. We get so busy trying to create our own lives, our own purpose, raising kids, taking care of pets, working or looking for our life partner that we forget about the family connection. It seems only in times of tragedy do we pull together to remember the possibilities that family offers – the fun, the chaos, the madness that makes us.....us. The people that unconditionally love us despite every single fault or mistake we’ve ever made.

So here's to the possibilies life offers us. May you find some possible in your own life and not wait for life to force it upon you.

Actions speak louder than words

I'm the queen of the eye roll. I have it mastered. I can even do it without actually physically doing it - sometimes it's more of an internal thing. As a kid I used to get in trouble all the time for rolling my eyes in response. Sometimes though, a good eye roll is all a girl has.

Some say it’s a form of self-expression, or a way to hide what you are really feeling. I have what you would call a lot of "tells". When I get nervous my tummy makes excruciating loud gurgly sounds that I cannot control. It's rather embarrassing and rather loud…but it happens. My therapist always knows when she’s hit a nerve when it speaks loud in the silence her question or challenge to me goes unanswered. Also, when I’m upset beside the classic eye roll, I tend to shake my foot like it’s full of electricity. It makes trying to hide these feelings a bit hard to do but I still choose the classic eye roll as my best example of actions not matching my word.

An eye roll can mean multiple things. It can be sarcastic such as my mom telling me “you are not going anywhere until your room is clean” *insert sarcastic eye roll here* or it can be a very intense way of thinking “did you turn the dryer on before you left today?” *insert thinking eye roll here* or even the you have got to be freaking kidding me eye roll such as when your boss asks you something completely absurd at the very last minute – for example literally 2 minutes before a meeting starts “now you’ve got the video ready to go right” and he never told you there was a video nor gave you a video *insert wide eyed I am going to kill you eye roll here*. So a good eye roll can really cover multiple circumstances.

All this coming back to the point of making our actions match our words. For me, New Year’s resolutions are my nemeses. I hate them. I despise this time of year where we are forced to spew out some fault or trait we hate about ourselves in an attempt to meet the social norm of “making New Year’s Resolutions.” Out with the old…in with the new! Well if that were indeed the truth my wardrobe did not incorporate any new trends and unfortunately a gym membership did not happen and forget about finding my soul mate. Though I probably would have greatly benefited from any one of these plans, I have difficulty with their simplicity. Things that are meant to unfold in normal logical sequences usually become complicated and exhausting really quickly. I tend to easily lose focus of small steps and shoot straight for overarching and end-of-the-world themes or as my friend calls it - the end of the rainbow. As much as I despise the whole black and white thinking…things sometime really are. You either love me or you don’t. You either want to make me dinner or you don’t. You either want to keep a job or you don’t. Black and white….actions match deeds.

Perhaps it’s because I have tricked myself into believing I am OK with the chaos that has become my life, that I work best amongst the mess, and constant need from others that keeps me going. The very reason I get up every day is so I can do something for someone else, my very being is dependent on me doing something for someone else…writing, editing, answering phones, renting apartments, giving presentations…it’s always for someone else. Someone else is always the driving force behind my very existence. After all, it is in these situations where I thrive (or at least I say I do).

My self-expression seems to illustrate this perfectly. Over time I’ve developed a guts first process of communication – I say what’s on my mind. I grew up in a house where we never really said what we felt, we held it in until it appeared in angry outbursts at something simple like dropping a spoon. I often have a hard time NOT saying things out loud and sometimes force others to use their words out loud. My verbal rants can be laced with snarky outbursts, laser beam stares, and far more cuss words than a lady should say out loud.

Although I’m all for acceptance of owning your feelings, it probably wouldn’t be all that bad if I learned to be a bit more…shall we say thoughtful----considerate-----sympathetic to maybe not say all those things out loud? So….how so I manage to make my actions match my words if I am going to “filter” myself?

Sometimes I am confused as to who I have become. My projection of who I think I am and who I actually am are not matching up - my actions don't seem to match my words - seems an appropriate place to insert an eye roll of some type here.

Oblivious happiness

I once saw this picture that horrified me and made me giggle like a school girl at the same time. It was this picture of a kid’s baseball team posing for a team picture. Everyone was standing on the bleachers after what appears to be a BIG win and the kids were all facing the camera in three layers….smiling broadly….except for the one kid in the back row. It’s at the exact moment the picture was taken that this poor child in the back row projectile vomited on the first two rows of obvious happy children. The picture is snapped literally seconds before this unexpected barrage of puke douses the first two rows of children. Oblivious happiness.

Now I can only imagine what followed in those few seconds after. I imagine lots of screaming and possibly some sympathy puking by others, but for those first few seconds, no one cared. All they knew was to stand still, smile and be happy for just two seconds. It’s amazing how life changes in a blink of an eye. How many of us live life in a stupor of what we’ve convinced ourselves is happiness. How many of us have convinced ourselves that our job, our partner, our boss, our lifestyle is making us happy? It’s when one tiny thing shifts that we begin to refocus our eyes and see things - well to see them differently. To see them as they really are.

My parents were married for 20 some years. To most people who knew them, they appeared happy - well as happy as anyone with 7 kids to raise could be. They both had jobs, they appeared to have friends both socially and professionally and occasionally, we as a family appeared to be happy going on family vacations or trips to visit relatives. To most people we appeared status quo - that is until one day we weren't. At some point within that life, my father decided he no longer wanted to live this life.
Somewhere along the way he decided he was no longer going to get up, go to work, come home and do it all over again. He went on a fishing trip with friends and something compelled him to quit his life just like that. Apparently you can throw the baby out with the bath water. With no warning or explanation he simply  called my mother and told her “I never loved you, I’m not coming home.” And just like that, the life we had all known, the oblivious happiness we convinced ourselves was happening was done.

Like a band-aide being torn off, the gross underbelly of our lives were exposed for all to see. We were a broken family. It would take years and a few episodes of my father coming back deciding to “try one more time to make things work” before my parents finally and totally called it quits. It was confusing to us because we had never really seen that side of my parents. We had never really known the issues between them, the years of unhappiness, the times they had to bite their tongues and stay together "for the sake of the kids." It never occurred to us - until it did - that they were not happy. They were not in love and certainly did not want to spend another minute pretending otherwise.

To them, it was an obvious choice...and looking back, it probably was. It’s always in the looking back we are able to see things more clearly. We all became used to the way things were, oblivious to what we thought WAS happiness. How many of those situations do we each have now? Looking back over the last year – are there things you need to change? I'm fairly certain I could make a list.

Just like most people do….we live a life we think we are supposed to until one day we don’t. What makes it happen? Is it one person? Is it a conversation? Is it the feeling that you are constantly living a day in the life of that movie Ground Hog’s Day – where the person keeps reliving a situation over and over and over until they actually learn the lesson? How many moments are we living every day that we are oblivious to? How many times at work do you have to say to yourself “today is going to be a better day”? or in a relationship “I won’ t let them treat me like this anymore! I am going to stand up for what I want!” only to be waking up and experiencing that same day over and over and over to the point you thing that’s what normal is. We convince ourselves that not only are we happy but this is how it's supposed to be.

I say enough with living obliviously. It’s time we become conscious and intentional in our own world. In personal and professional ways it’s time we take the blinders off and face things head on. If they aren’t right, change them. We have the power to do that. We have the ability each and every moment to decide what our NORMAL should be. What is it going to take to for you? What do you need to clear the clutter out of your head to be able to see clearer? If you’re always fighting something, it’s pretty obvious there is a reason…your subconscious knows more that you are letting on.

Go for bold, go for real – life it too short to live life half-way. How about living HAPPILY here and now – now that’s a concept isn’t it.

Pretty in Pink

I like pink. I would say it’s my ”signature” color. It’s funny that I don’t even think about it or how much of it I actually own. I was standing in my morning fog with my coffee in hand waiting to pay for it and the cashier said to me “did you try to match your phone and your wallet to your outfit?” I sort of snapped back into reality and kind of laughed a little…..oh dear, I didn’t even realize I did that. Then someone else chimed in and said You always dress in pink. It kind of caught me off guard. I try to be sure I look decent before I leave my house and match but I didn’t realize how much of what I own IS pink. Hmm….guess I do have a signature.

I thought about trying an experiment…how long could I go before I couldn’t find anything pink to wear in my closet? I mean I have lots of color…and multi-color but the primary color IS pink. Even my favorite Coach purse is pink. I see a pattern here. It’s nice too because my good friends know my pink liking….they buy me things like a pink coffee cozy, a beautiful scarf, a coin purse even a pink sparkle pen…yes…pink AND sparkle are my colors…I feel pretty in pink.

So why is it something makes us feel better about ourselves? What is it about a good pair of shoes or outfit that just help us get to that level of feeling good about us? We don’t change….we aren’t any different but somehow the right outfit can launch us into a powerful, self-assured state of mind that can change the world. I have what I call my “girl dress”. Surprisingly it’s NOT pink…but it’s a lovely mix of coral and black with a beautiful satiny coral bow that normally I wouldn’t wear….who wants to accentuate their waist or hips? But there is something about this dress that transforms me when I magically slip it on. It’s girly and floofly and I feel like a total girl in it. I have random strangers stopping me telling me how wonderful I look, how much they LOVE my dress….and I have to say…I could have a gangly old snagle tooth and severe bed head and I would still totally ROCK that dress. It’s just one of those magical things I can’t explain - but I sure wish I had more outfits like that!

Women especially, are so hard on themselves. We judge ourselves against this preset idea of what beautiful is or more over what we’ve been taught to believe what beauty is. That we have to be this blonde, tall, thin, anorexic type of a person to be “beautiful”. Then there are those - like me - who have some life under their belt and some miles under the hood and some meat on their bones who feel like a total rock star in a dress no matter what anyone says. I remember when I bought this dress I debated spending the $19.99 on it. Yes, $19.99. I hate spending money on clothes....unless I feel like I can multi-use an outfit, like a mix or match item, I hate to spend money on one item. I know I’m totally worth it but it’s something buried deep inside me…I just have a hard time doing it.

I think it all comes down to us feeling like we know who we are. I feel confident and secure and amazing in pink…it makes me feel a little invincible. Is a color supposed to do that? Maybe…but maybe it makes me feel a little braver to go out and do things I didn’t think were possible…to make mistakes and learn. After all, you have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't – right. You take the action, and then the insight follows: you don't think your way into becoming yourself you have to figure it out along the way.

So pick a color and own it!

Where does your soul live?

Your soul is defined as the “I” part of the self. It’s what causes us to act…to be….without the soul, we would be like a light bulb but no electricity….ying without yang. Everything has a soul to sustain it, to give it significance. It’s like the engine of our life – our meaning – our purpose. It helps us create the inner identity that drives our energy and helps us express who we are and why we are here. Where does your soul live?

Does it live in the creation of your children? The connection with the perfect partner? Having the most amazing friends? Caring for the sick or injured? Taking care of animals? Where does your soul come alive?

We’ve all heard that phrase “you’re my soul mate”  - meaning the perfect other half to who we are. We all need someone to balance us out, to keep us calm in the face of chaos, happy when we are sad and to love us when we feel completely unlovable. These souls come in many forms. Some are our life partners we choose, some are our friends, some are more of a feeling or a belief bigger than ourselves….such as a god or religion or connection with something less tangible. Whatever that connection is, you need to find it and hold onto it and bring it into your everyday life.

I was reading an article on Oprah.com and this statement struck me.....and of course got me thinking - "Your soul is always at home. Home is where you feel understood – some people just have to travel to find it.”  So how is it we spend our lives, our energy fighting our “home”? How is it some people feel that connection to a place even when you may be happy where you are? We have this inner part of us that creates that feeling, this connection to a place.

I feel at home in many places - I love staying in hotels. I adore the crisp linens on the bed, the tv remote that almost never works unless your 2” from the TV, the little soaps and shampoos in the bathrooms and the towels…the super, over bleached, uber white towels. Man, I could LIVE in a hotel! I feel at home there…I like that I don’t really know anyone…the possibility of making new connections makes me happy, I like the thought of finding a connection with a random stranger…I enjoy talking to new people and finding something new and interesting about them…if not, I never have to see them again. It’s magic. It's the perfect life. You get to see and witness and be a part of something on a bigger scale. You get to eat at places you may have otherwise NEVER crossed. You meet random strangers in the airports, the hotels, the conferences - everywhere. It's a life filled with constant possibilities.
I think my soul was meant to be a traveler. I was meant to not have my feet planted anywhere….I was meant to be on the move. I think that’s why I don’t feel a connection to my space...where I now call home. Perhaps it's time to play the lottery so I might have a chance to win and then make my life be nothing BUT travel....perhaps.

In the meantime, I must teach my soul to be still and content with the here and now. Ohh boy...that's gonna be a tough one.

Rainbow Thinking

Like death and taxes, there is no escaping color - its universal. We see commercials all the time showing us on how to keep our colors bright and our whites – well….white. But how does this translate to our thinking?


How many times have you been told it’s not all black and white? I’ve always struggled with black and white thinking….all or nothing…it IS or it ISN'T. I sometimes have trouble realizing there may be something better - a middle of the road rainbow thinking. I grew up in a family that didn't really teach me that....it was always YES or NO. Maybe ALWAYS meant NO - no matter how much I prayed and hoped....maybe ALWAYS turned into NO.

So we learn black and white thinking at an early age and from many sources: family, friends, school, the dieting industry, and even society. Our parents usually told us we were "wonderful" one day, and then the next day, for whatever reason, you were suddenly "bad."  Rather than pointing out our specific strengths or weaknesses, we were simply labled as such - black and white. We're left with a simplistic kind of reasoning - good or bad. All or nothing. Always or never. Black or white.

In reality, one piece of anything doesn't make anybody fat. And fat doesn't mean bad. And just because you’re not just like everyone else, doesn’t make you less than amazing. Needing to see ourselves as perfect only causes a constant feeling of inadequacy. This is where rainbows add some relief.

Rainbows are this beautiful reaction after a bad start. Usually a rainbow appears after a storm - not always but that's when I've seen the bulk of them...is that my black and white thinking coming through? Anyway, a rainbow juts across the sky in this magnificent bolt of color. It lights up our world and our sky after the dark has cleared. Rainbows make us feel happy…like everything is going to be OK now.

Why can’t we translate this to our thinking? Rainbow thinking can be the alternative to black and white thinking. It means giving ourselves numerous options instead of limiting ourselves to only two. It means seeing all the colors of the rainbow instead of only black and white. It means having access to all our feelings and letting ourselves believe that good enough is good enough!

The color black is known as the color of authority and power. Villains such as Dracula wore black…oh sure there was the splash of red in there (red is an emotional based color that stimulates an increased heartbeat and is also the color of love) but overall, it was a sign of power. White is meant to symbolize innocence and purity. Brides wear it, I personally can’t wear it as I inevitably spill something on it that I’ll never get out…but when you put the two together, it creates the yin-yang of our life.

Yin-yang represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle is meant to represent “everything” and the black and white shapes represent the interaction of the two energies that causes everything to happen. Nothing is completely black, just as nothing is completely white – one cannot exist without the other. Yin (black) is dark, passive and cold. Yang (white) is bright, active and strong. The symbol gives the sense of continual movement of these energies and thus creates a balance; one is always there for the other. Life should be that way.

So maybe the new symbol should be rainbow colored and allow both parties to be this ball of light and energy that cannot exist without the other half. Just like anything new, rainbow thinking may be uncomfortable at first, however, after spending some time in the middle of the road getting used to being perfectly imperfect - the journey becomes much easier and more enjoyable.

Let your colors shine on.

Funny bone - not funny

Ever hit your funny bone? I personally find nothing funny about it. It's quite painful. Not even sure why it's called a funny bone. Maybe because it's pretty funny to figure out exactly how one can hit that particular part of your body spot on to extract that much pain? Still - not finding it funny.

I of course did that this morning. I was trying to get out of my car with my hands full of crap, why do I haul so much stuff with me all the time? Anyway, I was trying to get out of my car and it never fails, when your hands are full the wind will come out of no where and shove your door closed just perfectly hitting that part on your elbow that normal everyday life doesn't even touch. Yeouch. That event always wants me to swear out loud like a freaking sailor...because that helps me feel better.

I realized, if anyone is walking by my house they must think I'm a terrible person - I mean I swear out loud to myself all the time. It makes me feel better. For some reason, when your angry, a good swear word makes everything way better....well it does for me. So when I cracked my funny bone, I swore out loud....and immediately remembered I was out in public, at work and now....my dirty secret is out...I am a sailor.

So I had to figure out where the funny bone got it's name...so I googled it. The internet is a wonderful thing:

"The "funny bone" got its nickname because of that funny feeling you get after you hit it.
But your funny bone isn't actually a bone at all. Running down the inside part of your elbow is a nerve called the ulnar nerve. The ulnar nerve lets your brain know about feelings in your fourth and fifth fingers. It's also one of the nerves that controls some movement of your hand.
You get that funny feeling when the ulnar nerve is bumped against the humerus (say: hyoo-muh-rus), the long bone that starts at your elbow and goes up to your shoulder. Tapping your funny bone doesn't do any damage to your elbow, arm, or ulnar nerve."

So, if you hit it one too many times, does one lose their sense of humor?

A watched pot never boils....

or in my case, a watched toaster never toasts. It may be because the toaster her at work is the SLOWEST toaster ever invented, but it literally takes forever to toast a single slice of toast.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am kind a creature of routine. I do what works for me, mostly. I've tried to change, tried to "upgrade" my life but I can't do it, I like what I got and it works for me, so I've quit fighting it. I get up, get ready and leave....all in anticipation of that nice hot cup of coffee from our cafeteria. It's good coffee, it's Caribou, so it's not like I'm drinking some generic coffee, and it's $1.27 for a big cup. Now if I bring my own mug it's only $1.21...and I've tried, I've tried several times. I have several of those cute reusable mugs that I lose. Yes, I lose. I for some reason can not train myself to hang onto them. I either throw them away, not thinking I toss them in the trash only to remember horrifically later I did it or I leave them some place, can't remember where, or I forget them at home, at work, in my car and they begin to grow all kinds of funky things because they haven't been washed...so I get the good old disposable paper cup...yes I know...I'm not green...or earth friendly or whatever. It's who I am, I've accepted it...you might as well too. In an attempt to "help me", my bestie got me a super cute cup that was not only pink (my favorite color) but it had OUR pictures on it. So #1 if I left it behind someone could easily identify me, the owner, by my photo, and #2 who would throw out their bestie?

So I proudly use(d) it...I cleaned it too so as to not grow funkiness in my besties cup....here's the problem...I can't find it. It's not at work, it's not tumbling around in my car, it's not at home and it's not at my second job......so where in the world are the besties? Yikes...I can only imagine the adventure it's having. Hoping to find it again, but the point is, I'm a creature of habit, of routine, of what works for me. So I bring bread to toast...usually about 8:30 a.m. I get hungry...I get a rumbly in my tummy that only a slice of peanut butter toast can fill. So I take my trusty peanut butter (oh and that's a whole other story, but don't sway from what you like...I like my Smart Balance chunky peanut butter, when I try to switch, I'm always disappointed...anyway), my bread and I go to the slowest toaster in history and wait.

Here's where the "watched pot" comes into play. As I stand there mindlessly willing the toaster to toast faster there is a lot of activity in the break area where the toaster is. There are two microwaves, a refrigerator, a sink, and our mail bins all in this back break area, so there is lots of morning hub-bub. The toaster is next to the sink...seems wrong somehow doesn't it? water/electricity? But I stand there and I watch the glowing of the coils trying to cook my bread, a coworker walks in to heat water, we have a very surface level conversation about him nuking his water for tea, he is trying to save money by switching from coffee to tea.

He brings his own cup but still thinks $1.21 is too much to pay for coffee, we discuss the pros of making it at home and bringing it in as well as a thermos. He says he can't do that because he doesn't' get up early enough to make coffee. Really? It takes like 5 minutes, less time that it does for this freaking toaster to make toast, but OK, I can respect that.....so he's trying tea. OK, rock on with your bad self, I'm sticking to coffee. I then suggest setting a timer and preparing it the night before. He says can't, we are a - and he used air quotes on this phrase - "green household". Interested I ask what does that mean. He said we unplug all unnecessary appliances because it saves like $5 a month on electricity. Curious, I asked more....what? What do you consider "unnecessary"? He says things like the toaster, the blender, the coffee maker, the food processor - all things I barely even know how to use much less own, but OK. I was curious. I've not heard of that. My friend did tell me to unplug my air conditioner unit in the winter as just having it pluged in sucks energy but I thought just because it was a big old window unit. Makes sense I guess.

He leaves and then there is that awkward moment when there is someone left at the sink who apparently is washing his cup like it was soaked in fuel or buried in the ground for days. He's using one of the "high quality" paper towels that shreds the second water touches it, to scrub every nook and cranny of his reusable coffee mug. He makes some comment about why he's working so hard to clean coffee from his coffee cup and I do the polite laughter like it's funny. He makes some comment about how if we were kids we couldn't care how clean this was, that we would drop it in the sand and then just pick it up and drink from it. More polite laughter. Then I then say something like you know, if the coffee is hot enough, it will just melt the old coffee right into the new and you'll never know. He now does the polite laughter back, hesitates, then begins to scrub his cup harder. I've probably installed some new fear into him.

So when my toast is finally ready, I douse it in peanut butter and make the trek back to my desk but it makes me think about how our interactions, even for just minutes, make lasting impressions on ourselves and others. I was going through my house in my mind trying to see what I could unplug to save $5 bucks! My friend and I joke that we are "spreading our joy" when we have these interactions, but what if it's not "joy" we are leaving behind? I worry that I've caused great stress for this poor gentleman at the sink.

Maybe there is more to this world than just our little bubble. Who would have known?

Walk the path less traveled and discover who you really are

The other day I had a conversation with my bestie about expectations. We talked about how we are constantly disappointed and she wondered if we have set our own expectations too high. Do we expect others to be perfect?

This led into a long conversation about what we SHOULD expect from others, including ourselves, and I added from my job/career. Her stance was we have these expectations that we put out there and we can't possibly expect anyone else to live up to that, we can't put that on someone else. We have to understand that is not really fair to the other person. I immediately wanted to argue this point....maybe not argue, possibly "discuss". I said wait....why do we have to settle? Why do we have to compromise, to give in, to forgo what it is we say we want or need from something or someone. She "discussed" back with me...I'm not talking about settling...and from my side, it's all I could see. So we talked more about it...and her point was this:

If you are expecting a certain outcome from a situation and you don't get it, your disappointed. I agreed. So then change your expectation. I say so I should settle...I should settle for something I don't really want so the other person/thing is happy? Clearly we were not communicating. Then our time together was up. We agreed to think about it and talk again later on it....but as usual, I can't just let it go. My mind, if not otherwise occupied, continues to dwell on and "spin" and process this conversation over and over and over. It's very difficult to have a one sided conversation.

So when I woke up at 3 a.m. my mind immediately started pondering this thought again. Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself and ultimately for others? I'll use my job as an example. Four years ago I was dissatisfied with my job. I felt it was lacking any purpose. Sure I was a rock star of an Executive Assistant, always, well mostly always, the go-to person. The one with my "finger on the pulse". I got stuff done. But one day it just wasn't enough. I began to feel unproductive, unnecessary, no longer feeling like I was contributing at the level I needed to be fully engaged. I had a heart-to-heart with my boss who convinced me to get my degree. I had a 2 year degree and only 2 more years and I could have my 4 year degree. In our conversations it make me believe and trust that with a 4 year degree doors would open wide for me. My world, at least my professional world, would become this deeply satisfying and rewarding experience I needed it to be. So I went, I did and I got it.

Hmmm, here's the thing. No doors magically appeared or opened. Nothing really changed...not like I EXPECTED it to. So...I changed my expectations...I settled. I worked and changed my thinking and did everything I was supposed to do expecting an outcome that never came. Now what. OK....so my boss helped me develop into a new position....full of possibilities....so I move down that path...now 3 years later, here I am...expecting something more, something new, something outside of what has now become the norm. How do I keep trudging down paths only to find myself settling into whatever place I'm at. Am I being stubborn or blind to what it means to have no expectations of others? I don't get it.

I'm even more confused now that I try to put this into perspective in my own everyday life. Do we expect too much from the world? How do you stop? What's the difference between expecting and giving up?

Every time I start with a question, it seems to lead to more questions. Why is that?

Somebody that I used to know

Years ago I was inseparable from a friend. We lived together, we worked together, we socialized together...we were the dynamic duo...well, we were a duo. We mostly had a really good time. We became the people that hosted events, that created outings - we were the "it" set of friends that were kind of the core to a larger group. Then things changed.

For one reason or another we all decided it was time to spread our wings in all different directions and suddenly, this group was no more. At first we tried hard to keep it going, we emailed, we called, we set up outings but as time kept pulling us forward, all in different directions, it got harder and harder to stay a cohesive group. So we all sort of formed new groups, separate from the original pod that we were. We somehow, over time, have become someone I used to know...including myself. I no longer even feel like I know who I am.

It's funny really, when you think about it. Our lives were so connected. Our inner workings were so attached to each other that we knew things about each other that most people probably don't but we did. We shared out joys, our pains, our laughter.....our mocking of each other for our dumb mistakes. We had Wednesday Martini nights that left us quite hung over and in a haze just long enough for us to recover and come together again on Friday or Saturday night and again laugh and play until we had go home for some rest. I miss that connection with people. I miss the idea that I, nor anyone one really, was ever really alone. We always had some connection. If it wasn't a week day movie night or dinner appointment it was constant email chatter. I know life changes....people change....but for some reason today that moment in my life popped into my head and made me a little melancholy for the old days. I loved that time, I cherish that time, heck that even formed some of who I am today....but it's behind me....it's just something that i used to know.

Somehow the choices we make change our friendships and all the relationships in our lives. We choose to buy a new car and have expensive things so in trade we work 2/3 jobs to afford it. What do we lose in the end? Friends, time, family....connections. We choose a partner who wants something different than we do...we choose to embrace that and go with them....and we lose again. Why does it seem that we make choices only to end up losing things in the end?

A few years back I had my "year of no rules". Not gonna lie, it was good. It was damn good. I did things I never would have imagined myself doing, I went places, I saw things - I had fun....but fun always has to end. Reality came crashing in when I convinced myself I could live in that world. No one, especially no one of my age, can live a lifestyle like that. It's just not possible...so I lost. I lost out and had to choose another path, another option, another way to spend my energy and time. So I embraced it...I charged ahead vowing to make it new and different that before, tired of the same old ways. I certainly couldn't go back to the life I had before and I surly could not continue on the decadent path I had been pursuing...so I settled into a life. I got into a rhythm and I coasted...I coasted along for almost 2 years trying to convince myself I was going somewhere.

The elusive "somewhere". I wish it were pin pointed on a map so I could at least see how far off I was. What are the coordinates of "somewhere" anyway. Somewhere can't possibly be HERE. This can't be the place I end up....not that it's so terrible, but it's just not enough. It's just not a place I imagined myself.....like in a song. I imagine my life to be like the Katy Perry song Fireworks....Come on let your colors burn....I imagine my life to be like that....a firework, big and bright and amazing and shiny. Wonder how that job description would read?

I recently spent some time with my 9 year-old nephew who normally is bouncing off the walls with energy but he was this kind of quiet, introspective little man. We went to the sculptor gardens and he spend a lot of time looking at each statue, investigating them, really looking at them and he would tell me a few times "Auntie, slow down, look at this...no really look at this." It surprised me.....not just because he is a 9 year-old boy, but that he was reminding me to stop and look and to really look...not just see but to really SEE what we were looking at. I imagine if any of the artists could have overheard him they would have been over joyed at a young man really appreciating their work.

So, how did I become somebody that I used to know and how do I get it back? How do I remind myself to slow down and see what is right in front of me instead of fighting so hard for the maybe or the possible...how do you stop and settle for the what is? Maybe my nephew has that answer to?