Constant chatter

I forget that we live in a world that is in constant communication. I met a friend for lunch the other day and as I walked through the sky ways lost in my own thoughts, I suddenly realized people don't really know how to be quiet anymore. We have become so dependant on being in constant communication with people that we forget how to be silent.

Is this why I can't get my mind to stop racing? Is this why I wake up fully at 2:30 am with my head spinning searching for answers to things? We text, talk on the phone or face to face all day long. How can we exist otherwise? As I walked the few blocks through the sky way in silence, well silence for me because I left my phone on my desk and I was alone, but as I wandered I was uber aware of all the people walking and talking on their phones or wearing those stupid ear buds that make you think they are talking to you or looking down texting. No one I passed was silent.

Do we become so accustomed to being constantly connected that we don't know how NOT to be? This made me think of last summer when I was up at my friends cabin on the outskirts of the Boundary Waters and we had NO phone signal, there aren't any towers until you get into town. On one hand it was blissful but on the other hand, I really felt isolated and out of touch. I was able to get some good thinking done but it also sort of stressed me out that I couldn't text, get text messages or phone calls. Although truth be told, I'm a huge texter vs. phone person.

How important is it to be constantly connected to another person? Do we need to always have that other person around us to validate us, give us purpose, make us feel included or do we use them to escape the reality that is our own lives? Seems like the monks might have something when they take to their own worlds and remain silent. I wonder how long I could actually be silent. And if you are silent long enough, does the internal chatter turn up or go away?

Is conversation over rated? I have a friend that says he has nothing to say to anybody. Is that really true? Can that be true....can we actually have nothing more to say to anyone? Sometimes its nice to just sit with someone, just sit with nothing to say....just be. I wonder why we don't do that more?

Can a person live without any interaction from others? Would we want to? Don't we feed off of people? Use them to help us get thorough our days? Ever have those days where you don't leave your house and have had no interaction with another human....it's almost like you can't function once you become part of society again. I can't imagine what a few days of that would do to me.

I can't speak for anyone else but I need to have that connection to others. I need interaction, I need conversation and I need my texting!

Perky people

Really perky people annoy me. I'm just going to say it. Morning people, super happy like they've popped some kind of pill people annoy me. I think I used to probably be one of those kinds of people but as I've aged, I find those kind of people really get under my skin.

I prefer to wake up and lay with my thoughts for a bit. To process my day, my thoughts, my week....whatever. I can't just get up and be like HI - isn't it a great day! Let's engage...ugh. Shut the hell up is what I say. At least until I've had a cup of coffee.

I realize the schedule I am on has me crossing paths with this gaggle of women who are like nails on a chalkboard every single morning and I didn't realize it until today really because they weren't actually there filling up my head with all their chatter and jibberish. I walked into the cafeteria to get my java and it was blissfully silent. I almost wondered if it was a Saturday. Ahh. I looked around wondering if possibly I had gone deaf and didn't realize it but no...they were no where to be found. Possibly they all took the day off! I was able to get my coffee in blissful, wonderful silence. Life is good.

But as luck would have it some Mary Poppins was waiting at the elevator bank and was all super chatty and over the top perky. "Aren't Fridays just the BEST days ever" she chirped at me. I sort of stared blankly at her and in my head was saying to the Universe....WTF!? Then as luck would have it the elevator wait was longer than normal so she kept chattering at me...I couldn't even focus on what it was she was saying to me. I just sipped my coffee and tried to block her but she was so....buoyant and perky that all I wanted to do was slowly put my hand over her mouth and shush her...I didn't but that's what I wanted to do.

When did I turn into a morning curmudgeon? When did I begin to hate morning people so vehemently? My eyes can't seem to focus this morning either...so maybe it's just a today kind of feeling but jesh.....people.....shut up.

Clearly I need a vacation, a break from my life, from reality, from all that is going on through my head every single day. Is it really enough to get away from our own reality for a few days to be able to build up that wall that allows us to take in all the daily crap we don't like or don't want?

Why can't I make a pot of coffee at home? That would make my life so much easier!

Doubt

What is doubt and why do we have it? Doubt is really just our fear acting out. It's our inability to see events or actions as anything else but totally negative.

Why is that so easy to get to? Why do we easily doubt ourselves first? Why do we automatically go to the dark side, the negative? They won't like me, I am not good enough, I can't do that, the world is against me, I am not pretty enough, or smart enough. The world is full of threats, real threats, why do we add all these self imposed doubts?

I often doubt what people say to me. I don't mean to, I don't try to, it's just my first instinct. I automatically think they are just being nice to me and don't mean it. I know it's my own issue but I guess I get scared to get sucked into believing what they say is the truth only to find out they don't really mean what they say. Living in fear....not good.

Actions speak louder than words - like when someones says "you look good today" but they make a face like they are repulsed by you (that didn't happen to me but you get the idea...well it kind has, but not recently) it's hard to trust, to not doubt what people say. Someone said to me yesterday "you really give people the benefit of the doubt" I was really surprised by that. I didn't realize that was something others could even see.

Yesterday I must have been having a really good hair/clothes day because several people commented on how nice I looked and I was so surprised and yes, I totally doubted what they were saying. I mean I try, I try hard to look my best and I know I don't always succeed but I'm always surprised when I actually do...and people comment on it. Why is it we set out to do something, to accomplish a task and when we do, we easily doubt.

I realize I have a lot of doubt. I have doubt in my own abilities and often in the abilities of others. I doubt the loyalty of others, their sincerity, their love, their fidelity...everything - not all the time but it's there. I realize that doubt is really more about the "not knowing" and if I can just learn to embrace doubt as a natural state of being, it won't cause me so much anxiety. "Not knowing" can be a great adventure, it can mean you are open to all possibilities and in turn be willing to be in the moment. It means you can accept the humble state of being human and realize that things are not black and white (what? I can't even believe I said that!) and that the color of "doubt" is all the gray in between. What color are emotions?

I guess if I truly embrace doubt, it means I have to be willing to be wrong and to accept my own shortcomings thus meaning I have to accept them as parts of who I am and not parts that are missing or incomplete.

I guess overall doubt is kind of a cool thing. The day I stop doubting, is the day I stop breathing. I'm in no hurry to get there, at all.

Words, feelings and joy

It's funny how powerful the spoken word is. I've come to realize that more and more each day. Kind of like when people say your name....it gives you validation and a sense of belonging. I've said it before but if I had to choose to lose a sense, it couldn't be my ability to talk or to hear.

People don't realize the power of a kind word or of flattery. It can totally take a terrible day or feeling and melt it away like magic. I think that's what attracts me to certain people...I seek them out, I need them, I have to see them....because they are uber kind to me and they say things to me things I need to hear. They have the ability to make me feel really good about myself with just a kind word. Are we that easy that words make us so happy? Am I really that easy?

It's surprising to me when strangers say kind things to me or do a kind deed...like this morning. I was far enough away from the door that it wouldn't have been awkward for this man to go in without holding it open for me, you know, the kind thing to do, but he stood there and waited. He waited for me. It was so sweet. Then this man in the cafeteria said to me "Wow you look nice today" and I don't even know him, I mean I've seen him around but we have no connection other than we were both waiting to get coffee. It's 6:45am, I'm barely awake, struggling to get coffee and all of a sudden I felt like I could have climbed a mountain. Words have so much power. I know sometimes it can go the opposite way....believe me I've been on that side of it many many times but when people say nice things to you it just changes your whole day, your whole outlook. It makes you want to stand taller....maybe it's just me. I like it. I want to see that man every day now....of course that puts a lot of extra pressure on me to try to look good but I might be willing to give it a shot. I think it might be my kicky new red coat or my new lipstick that makes me feel sassy but it sure is nice to have people think you look nice. It's the little things that really bring me great joy.

Joy

There is this quote that goes: Joy is not in things, it is in us. I love that quote but if you really think about it...I'm not sure it's true, well not exactly for me anyway. I love things...stuff, material possessions. They bring me great joy. Is it in me or is it something that I bring to it?

I did some retail therapy this last weekend and I have to say....having money to buy what you want when you want it is really nice. I know it won't last, I know it's temporary but I enjoy having this little flurry of money that has allowed me to elevate my happiness level up one notch.

Everyday the news is more and more grim, people are unhappy, jobs are lost, families lose a loved one and the best we can do as people is make the most of the time we have with people here and now. The time to be happy is now. I think maybe that is inside all of us but we might just be afraid to let it out, to accept the reality that we can choose to be happy even in these tough times. Is being happy or content really that easy? Do we get to choose it like we choose a meal off a menu? Maybe McDonald's is onto something with their "happy meals".

I'm really in count down mode now for school to be done. I didn't really realize it until this GOD AWFUL class is one away from being done last night and I literally have 2 classes left.....4 months..... it's crazy! It went by really fast but yet it's completely consumed my life - but I don't think it's really all that bad. I've learned alot, dare I say it, I've grown mentally....or is it I just drank the kool-aide and I think that? I am counting down the days but I think the truth is....I might just miss being in school...miss the people, the routine....not the work though. God I won't miss that.

So there we have it....a kind word, a door held, school is coming to an end and the power a hand on the small of my back as I am riding the escalator makes me feel....simple gestures that make me feel important, feel valued, feel like I do matter - even if it's just for a few minutes.

My note from the Universe today....I am the spark!

In both relationships and life trust begets trust.
Generosity begets generosity.
Love begets love.

Be the spark, especially when it's dark.
Hubba, hubba -

The Universe

Soul mate?

Is everyone suppose to have a soul mate? What exactly is a soul mate? I had to look up the definition - it says: it's a noun - a person with whom one has a strong affinity. Does that mean you have to be in love with or live with or be connected at the hip with a soul mate? Can a person have more than one? If you find a person or people that you have a strong connection with, is that enough?

I had dinner with an old friend last night. I forget how comforting it can be to not have to explain anything about yourself...that they just know the core you...the you that is real and is always there and you have history with them. You have background and it's just plain old comfortable. I like that.....it's easy...it's easy to relax and just let me be me and I know no matter what, we will still be friends...no judging, no rules, no anything but a nice easy night.

It got me thinking though about how I've been trying to "start over" all the time. Out with the old and in with the new. Are new beginnings really necessary? Sometimes the only thing you can do is trash everything and start over. I've done that in cooking, craft making and multiple work projects. Sometimes things just can't be fixed. Is that true for people? Do you sometime just have to trash them and start again?

How do you get others who have know you to forget the old and embrace the new? It's easy to say I won't do that anymore but you know you have done it, the people who know you know you've done it and yet how do you suddenly just stop the old and begin the new? It's like a new years resolution (or a NEW new years) and you just do it. For me it is a year of no rules. I say balls to the walls let's go for it and here we are, barely a month into my new year (remember I had the month delay) and I am already feeling myself slipping into my old ways. I don't like it Sam I am...I do not like green eggs and ham.

My therapist used this quote on me...which kind of make me mad at first but then I thought about it and I guess I'm OK with it....You are always one decision away from a new beginning. I was mad because I was like seriously....what does that really mean? Yes I realize I could easily make a different choice but it's not going to make things better or right or whatever...but then I thought about it...and I thought about it and realized, okay, I think I get it. I make one decision and I keep moving...then I make another and keep moving and soon I'm on a new path, headed in a new direction and I keep moving. I just wish I could get my head to stop thinking about the whole "what if" stuff all the time. It's frustrating to me that I can't seem to get my head on board with the rest of me. I feel one thing but I keep processing and thinking in another direction. One small change can sometimes make bigger things happen. It's like when you cook and you run out of one spice so you substitute something else and it changes the entire dish.

If you find that one person to connect with, your "soul mate" do things get easier?

Who we are

It's funny, some days I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I hate who I am, I hate what I look like, I hate everything about what it is that makes me....me. Then there are days....rare, odd days like today, when I look in the mirror and I'm like....wow...look at me! I look good! I feel good, the wrapping on this old body is pretty good and by golly, who wouldn't want this? Who wouldn't want to hang with this? I look like I am somebody, I look like I mean business and it's rare but I think when you feel that way, people start to take you at face value. I gotta say, it makes me act differently and have kind of a big girl attitude even when I went to get my coffee I felt like Um excuse me....out of my way....do you know who I am?! I walk with a purpose, I stand taller and I feel sassier. Wow...who would have thought a new pair of pants and shirt could do that to a girl??

What is it that makes us feel so different about ourselves each day? Usually when I look in the mirror I often put some sort of filter over it and I force myself to like what I see. But I feel like I don't often like what I see and it's wearing to keep pushing yourself to that level. Honestly it's like most days that mirror is covered in Vaseline and I feel blurry and unfocused and I don't even understand what that really means.....some days I can wipe that away and push through to a less muddled me but not often enough. Today though, today the mirror is clean, shiny, bright and.....I don't know...it's just different. Maybe because I had a fun Saturday night with some people I don't get to see very often or it's because I actually got some really good sleep last night for the first time in a really long time. I don't remember waking up at all during the night. Hard to say but I have to say, I sure like waking up feeling like this. Wish it were more often.

As I rode the elevator to my floor this morning I looked at myself in the mirrored elevator doors and I looked and felt like someone who means business today. I mean I look like someone who is going to get things done. Let's see if my day holds up to what the reflection seemed to be saying to me.

I have some new job duties that while they are fun, they are also challenging me, pushing me outside my comfort and knowledge zone. I'm expected to rise to the challenge and that really scares me. I'm often like an ostrich...I poke my head up and see what's happening but when it gets hard or challenging, I just want to bury my head in the sand where it's safe. Safe...that's how I've been living my life...in my own little protected bubble. I said it was the year of no rules and I had a good start but I think I'm starting to bury my head...I want to continue forward in my quest but I can sense the trepidation and the fear starting to creep in and I feel myself pulling back into my own little bubble. Dang it if we aren't complicated individuals!

I need to keep pushing myself. I need to get out, to explore, to do more....well to do more things I've not done before. If you keep doing the same old thing, you will only get the same old thing so if I expect it to change, I have to be the change. Oh God, now I sound like a greeting card. Are we really that complicated? Are we really so unsure of ourselves all the time or is it just me?

I had some time this weekend to work on finishing unpacking my house, to getting things really settled and I'm getting there but it's not quite there yet. I did some shopping, which always makes me feel happy and slowly it's coming together. I feel like there are little things I need to do to feel at home, to feel settled. Maybe once I get the bedroom and bathroom painted I'll feel settled? Maybe. Do we keep putting those conditions on ourselves, on our happiness, on our contentment?

I love my new house, I like my new stuff and I think I'm comfortable there. Maybe I just need to break it in with a gathering. I feel like I have a space now that I want to have people over.

If you build it they will come...right?

My Posse

Okay, I just had a very fun conversation with some co-workers that gave me great joy!

I've been saying I need people, I need people to do all the mundane things for me but in talking to these people it's come to my attention that it's not PEOPLE I need...it's a POSSE!

The defintion of a posse:
1. A group of people summoned by a sheriff to aid in law enforcement.
2. A search party.
3. A gang involved in crimes such as running guns and illegal narcotics trafficking.
4. Slang A group of friends or associates.

I feel great joy at the thought of having my own posse....I see t-shirts, bumper stickers....maybe even an application!

Now I need a cool name for it!