Spring - time to renew

A change in seasons always helps shake the dust off the old and lets one begin something new. I am very encouraged by the arrival of warmer weather. I declared myself over winter about a week ago and still haven't gone back to close toed shoes....no matter the weather.

I hear the birds out chirpping their happy little songs each morning, the sun seems to come up earlier and earlier and every once in awhile I can open my windows....it's so close. I find myself being a bit impatient waiting for it. I need it to be here now.

I know things change...and sometimes we don't even realize it until it's happened. I woke up exceptionally early AGAIN today and as I lay there pondering life I realize how subtle sometimes the changes are that sort of start a chain reaction to bigger things.

It's hard to know when to move forward, to pull back or to bury our heads in the sand and wait for things to settle down. Do we risk getting a broken heart by opening ourselves up to love? Do we worry about losing friends by speaking the truth? Is the fear of losing our jobs real? So many things that come to us everyday that can affect (or is it effect?) our own bigger picture.

One of my youngest sisters is getting ready to have a baby...her first and it's been awhile (a little over 6 years) since I've had a new baby to spoil. I have great nieces and nephews having babies but they aren't close enough for me to steal the baby for a night or a weekend. This baby will be within stealing distance....can't wait. Anyway, I laid there and thought about how much her life will change in the blink of an eye. Overnight her world will be transformed. It's not a bad thing, it just is.

I have some friends who have kids and they are on the edge of being young adults (the kids...not the parents) and these people have devoted their whole lives to making sure their kids are safe and secure and taken care of. They make great personal sacrifices and have pretty much put their own life, wants, desires on hold to foster these children into adulthood. I admire that so much and I am also really jealous of that at the same time. I've been teasing a friend of mine lately telling her to have a baby.....I joke about it with her but in the long run it's a HUGE responsibility and commitment. How do people do it? What made me think I could ever do that?

Although, part of me still really wouldn't say no to one.

Bring on the weekend....although it's going to be spent mostly doing homework.....4 weeks left until I can breath again....4 weeks.

Redefining and decisions

Every event, every day many things force us to make decisions. We have to decide what to eat for breakfast, what to wear, what project or task to work on first and socially we make decisions all the time. It's hard to know if we are really making the right decision, we just have to keep on making decisions regardless.

Decisions effect all parts of our life...it disturbs our delicate balance. I hate the fact that making decisions or not making decisions, interferes with my life. It causes me to have to stop and to have to wonder if I am making the "right" decisions.

How do we know if we are making the right decisions? What are the best choices for our lives?

I find that every day I am redefining myself. I get to decide every single day who I want to be. Do I want to be corporate me, funny me, sassy me, sad me....who do I want to be today? How do you become the "one" though? It's a very hard decision. By not choosing one am I in effect really choosing? It's so exhausting.

How do you become the pretty one? The popular one? The one people clamour to be around? How do you become that person? Do you just get to decide that you are that person? Do you get voted off if you aren't good enough? Who decides that?

Short post today because I have way to much going on with work and school to try to formulate any rational thoughts on things other than quick blurbs. Just had to get this thought out of my head.

Perception and Reality

I think I've blogged on this topic before but it hit me today how very different these two things can be on a day to day basis.

My perception is that it's spring. I am done with winter, I have declared it so...I have put away the heavy coats, the winter clothes and most definitely the close toed shoes. My perception is that it's now spring and onto a new part of this year.....the reality however, is it's freaking snowing. It's snowing and it's cold and blessed it all....it's stillllll winter. Will this winter never end?

I realize the crazy gene runs in my family. My dad's mom was truly crazy as a tic and I think as my father's aged, he's jumped aboard that crazy train. My fear is that because I'm so much like him, I don't even want to admit it or do a comparison, but it's NOT a positive thing for a girl to take after her father, that I'm afraid that crazy is creeping into my life. Not intentionally, just slowly, moment by moment I'm slipping over to the dark side.

I am in my open toe shoes and a summer outfit today...yes I know...it's only the end of March but I can't do it anymore...I hit the winter wall and I need color, I need free arms, I need tan legs with no tights.....crazy??....I'll let you judge. My outfit has elicited a few scowly face stares as I came tromping into work today....do I care? Not so much. I am who I am people...love me or leave me.

My note from the Universe this am:

Someone loves you very, very much, and wants
nothing more from you that to just be around you. They love you. Because you received this email, no matter how you received this email, it's important that you know it.

Someone besides me,
The Universe

It gives me great joy and a calm sense of being to know that someone, somewhere out there in this big, bad world loves me. Loves me.....unconditionally, with wanting nothing more from me that to just have me be in their life, be a part of their world and accepts me just as I am. It's nice. It's a very comforting feeling. Isn't that all what we want from life? To just find the yin to our yang? To have that one person who you know that no matter what this crazy world hands you, no matter that you can't live in reality - that they love you. And the minute your reach out your hand into this vast, scary world, they will be there to glomp on tight and just hold it.

Reality - life is short in the whole scheme of things. Love is lost, friends move, and the whole time, you just seem to be in the same place. Kids grow up so fast. One day you are holding their hand while they learn to walk and suddenly you are waving good bye to them as they drive off into the world ready to start their own lives. In a blink of an eye it all goes by so fast. Why do we post phone joy? Why do we wait to live our lives or to do the things that make us happy when that time may never come if we wait?

Reality - people change, people leave, they stop texting you, calling you, making time to hang out with you - just stop being a part of your world. Is there always someone new there to fill that gap?

Perception - is different.....we feel like we are never going to have people in our lives that stay. That are there, that call just to say hi, come by just to visit. We think we will never find a new friend, a lover, a job......whatever it is we are searching for. How do we learn to mesh reality and perception?

Maybe if we just learn to open our hearts up and accept what the Universe has put in front of us for the moment we can learn to be happy?

Is that my perception or reality?

Crabby Office Lady

I know work causes stress. I know typically Monday's are a high stress day because people for some reason seem to be exceptionally irrational on a Monday but when it rains, does it really need to pour? And does a Monday need to ooze over into a Tuesday?

Yesterday was the type of a day that made me reassess why I get up early and drag my butt into work...into the thankless, crap dumping job that I do. If I hear one more time "I have an opportunity for you" I am literally going to scream. I can't take on any more new opportunities unless someone decides to take something away! There is only so much time in one day and only so much patience one person can have. I realize my job is to assist...to help....to guide....to boldy go where no one apparently wants to go but for the love of all that's good and pure, can't anyone do one simple thing for themselves? Seriously....it's not difficult to send out a calendar invite to 3 people...am I really that skilled and you really that pathetically unskilled that you can't do that? Really??

Where's the value? What value do I add daily by doing the mundane, mindless, pointless tasks? I can't be connected or committed to a job if I don't feel I am adding value, a purpose...that this couldn't possibly be done without me. Can anyone work at a job and not have that? I need it. If I don't have that at work or in my own personal life then what is the point of any of it? I need value!

How do you make other people see that? At one point yesterday I hit the proverbial wall and shouted out loud "I would rather serve coffee than do this job for one more minute!" Someone then ordered a latte which made me feel better. I get it, I do realize that is not the most professional thing to do but good lord, I can't stand doing the crap that no one else wants to do. And for the love of God...why do I print off people calendars, handouts and prepare them for the day if they are going to stop by my desk or call me and ask "Where is my meeting at?" Seriously.....did I not print out your calendar? Do you not have your own calendar open on your computer and for the love of God...why do you have a blackberry? Is it a full moon? Did someone slip me a crazy pill that no one else has taken? Good lord, Corporate America makes me insane!

And it's not just Corporate America....why do some people think they can say anything, be completely disrespectful and when they find out they are wrong, they don't even apologize. Why is that kind of behavior accepted and sometimes rewarded. What is wrong with work environments? Are they so desperate for lackeys they keep everyone?

Someone tell me again why I am getting a business degree?

Oh and this from the Universe today -
Tell me do folks really think they can become lost, end up
lonely, or fail, when all they have to do to change absolutely everything is help another?

Your G.P.S. of love,
The Universe

So last night I have dinner with a friend. He's 25...yes 25, and he thinks his life goal is to be a writer mainly because he thinks he will make millions doing it and he's exceptionally gifted at it. How do you gently tell someone life isn't a book...that you don't just wake up and say I am going to be a film writer and director and make millions when they don't do anything to actively test the waters? I tried...I tried to encourage him to do workshops, to go to classes but he just doesn't hear it. Somehow though, at the end of the night, I began to feel better about the mundaneness (is that even a word?) of my own life. Maybe the Universe is onto something after all.

Here's hoping this day doesn't follow yesterday's example.

Rushing through

"We do less by the very quality of our being. We must be completely present for what we are doing, without sacrificing or rushing what's in front of us in order to get to 'more important' stuff later. No matter how mundane the activity, treat everything as important and take pleasure in it. At bottom, whatever we are doing right now is what we are engaged in and it deserves our full attention and appreciation."

I realize it's a long quote to wrap your brain around but it really spoke to me. Lately I have been feeling particularly frenzied - again and I know it's my own doing. I know I try to do to much in one day, moment and I end of wearing myself to the bone. Then I have days like I did on Saturday where I could barely get up off the couch. It was a completely wasted evening but I clearly needed the rest. I worked all day on Saturday and then was suppose to go out Saturday night but thankfully my partner in crime was as exhausted as I was so I could lay on the couch and just "be". It was nice but I also felt really guilty.

The quote above comes from a book called Less; Accomplishing More by Doing Less (it's on my birthday list!) and it reminded me how I keep forgetting to live in the moment. To treat everything as important and take pleasure in it. When I read this it made me stop and think about how I was operating in my own life. I feel like I am rushing through every moment and everything sort of feels like a blur.

How often am I engaged in a task while focused on another that needs to get done at the very same time? Between work (I am the queen of multi-tasking there), school (I probably could do better here) and my own life (it's kinda boring) I realize I am constantly looking to the next moment, event, section....thing to keep me going. It's kind of exhausting. I feel like I am always distracted with something....I am rushing through my own life and what for? What am I rushing to? Am I missing my own life by doing this or am I trying to create a life for myself by doing this?

I know I need to slow down, to breathe....to just be but it's really difficult to just do that. To go from warp speed to the slow lane. I keep saying when school is done I'll have more time...but I do recall saying that about things a year ago and still...here I am...with no time. There are so many things I want to do....want to spend my time doing and I feel like I don't have the time to do them.

How do you recapture your own time?

Dance like nobody's watching

Man...I love the Universe...the messages, the challenges, the thoughts it provokes. I've really been on a new music kick lately. I am really digging on some new music and artists I've not heard of and I feel the need to express it in dance! I've been saying to a few people lately that we need to go dancing....and what does the Universe say to me today? You guessed it....

Excuse me but I don't think I noticed, "do a little dance," on your "to-do list." You do plan to dance today, don't you?

Get down,

The Universe

So I think I have to do it....I think I have to get out there and dance like nobody is watching!!

But before I dance, I must process these thoughts but there will be dancing I assure you!

I love quotes or phrases that make me think outside my bubble, my world...things that challenge me even though sometimes it hurts. At work now I am charged with a new "opportunity" - editing or helping to edit our intranet content. It's a challenge for me because a) I know nothing about the real world of editing and b) it's new and scary. So I got some books and have been scouring the Internet and picking people's brains. I came across the following information -

Any time a thought, a sentence, or paragraph inspires you or opens up your thinking, you need to capture it, like a butterfly in a net, and later release it into your own field of consciousness.

I realize we live in a very busy, very cluttered world with a lot of choices to make each day. It's easy to forget what's most important and unless we find ways to remind ourselves of that, life becomes muddled and hard to deal with. It's like looking through the lens of a camera. at first it seems a little "fuzzy" but once you adjust the focus, it's crystal clear.

That's what quotes do for me...they take these ideas or thoughts muddling around in my head that are a little "fuzzy" and help bring them to life. I think that's why I seek them out on a daily basis. It gives me some kind of connection to my inner soul and I feel like it helps me clear the clutter. Sometimes they help me see a situation in a better or clearer light and sometimes it pushes me to reach outside myself and just go. The focus is there, it just needs some help. A helping hand.

So now that I am learning to edit, to learn new skills it of course scares me but also is very exciting to me. The thought of me editing anyone else's stuff makes me giggle like a school girl but I'm attempting it. It is going to be a good skill to hone and to have in my tool belt. So since there is no official training I've decided to use books and the Internet.

I came across this information about writing which oddly kind of makes sense and I really appreciate the way they cleverly wrote about writing using sex. Nice job!

Be sexy
You are a sexual being. So are all of your readers (except the Google robot). Sex is interesting. Sex is life, and life is interesting. The more of yourself you put into your writing, the more human and engaging your work will be. (hee hee....they keep saying sex ....makes me giggle inappropriately at work!)

If your writing is a personal journal, and if it is honest, you will have to write about things that you find embarrassing to describe, feelings you might not want to share, events that you wouldn’t mention to strangers (or, perhaps, to anyone). Decide now what you will do, before it happens.

Undressing, literally, figuratively, or emotionally, has always been a powerful force in personal sites and web logs. Pictures don’t matter in the long run; what matters is the trajectory of your relationship with the reader, the gradual growth of intimacy and knowledge between you.

So there we have it.....I have to be sexy in my writing, I have to undress (it's OK...I have a good tan!) and now I must dance!

Bring it on Universe....I am so ready!

Simple truths

Sometimes even the youngest souls can have all the answers. Yeah for friends!

Some days I feel older than I am....other days I feel only as old as the people I surround myself with. I realized yesterday, I don't feel very old. Maybe it's because the bulk of my closest friends right now are in their 30's (or younger!) but I am sort of appalled at my actual age. People my age don't live the life I do. They don't have the social life, the commitments, the fun that I do. At least not hardly anyone I know that is my age. I rather enjoy my life. Not every moment of course but overall, looking at the big screen picture, I do.

The sad news this morning of Natasha Richardson dying after a freak accident sort of made me think about things and realize life is way too short. We are the exact same age and I was thinking...jesh....some freaky thing could happen and I could be gone tomorrow....would I have enjoyed the last times I had here? Would I be remembered as a "wonderful woman". Maybe by some....those who love me but overall? Not so sure.

No rules...that was my rule at the beginning of the year. It just seems more relevant now than before. I can't sit by an passively let things happen, I can't let days or weeks go by without enjoying my time. I say it's time to grab life by the ......I need a good analogy here...anyway, you get the point. It's time to put the pedal to the medal.....no....that just doesn't work. But it's time to do something more than I have been doing. School is almost done and it's time to get it in gear.

I'm tired of being tired, of being worried about my job, school, what anyone else thinks. I'm tired of waiting to start living until this happens or that happens....it's time....it's time to get out there and do what I want to do. I started to do that at the beginning of this year but then I got sucked back into my own bubble of insecurity and safety (or what I perceived as safety) and I say no more....done with that...moving on. Mama is getting in the car pool lane and that's all there is to it. What's with the car analogies?

What does the Universe think about this?

People, when given a chance smile, skip, and dance.
They create, play, and laugh.
They care, share, and love.
And the ones who don't, haven't yet realized that chances are something you give yourself.

Double dare you,
The Universe

Interesting right?

Yesterday I reconnected with an old friend I absolutely adore!! I'd lost track of her and the wonders of Facebook helped us reconnect and within two seconds I felt like no time between us had passed at all. I forgot how lucky a person is to have people in their lives that are just part of who we are...they are pieces of us scattered around the world and you just feel better, more connected, whole - when you find a lost one again...almost like your putting your pieces back together. Yeah Facebook!

So maybe none of us have all the answers or the perfect life and maybe we all need each other to be who we are, but some days it's harder to see that through all the daily garbly gook that seeps in. I forget the joy that others add to my own life - little things like having dinner unexpectedly with me, wearing my wrist band (cause it really does bring me great joy!) or just taking time to talk with me about nothing in particular. It's the little moments, the way a person smiles at me, the way they make me laugh and the fun little things they do during the day to remind you that you do matter, even when it's something silly like a picture on your door when you come home at night. :)