Saved up wishes

I recently came across some old photographs of my grandparents. They were young, like mid 30’s and they looked happy and carefree and it made me smile.  They had their whole lives in front of them and it didn’t appear they had all the worry lines that life provides added to them yet. They didn’t appear to be worried about their health as they sat happy as can be, both with a cigarette perched on their fingers and a cocktail in front of them.  They looked glamorous and completely content with their choices. Isn’t it funny how fast things change.

It got me thinking. Thinking about what they were thinking about. Did they have a plan for their future? Did they know sitting there on that blanket in some park that in 15/20 short years my grandfather’s health would deteriorate to a point that they would move from the cold home of Chicago to a warmer retirement climate in Florida?

That in an even shorter time the cancer would invade his body and slowly his seep into his brain until he had nothing left of who he ever was or thought he would be. Or the fact that my grandmother would be left alone in a city where she would live until I went down one November and packed up her life in a weekend to bring her back here, with her family, to die.

What did they wish for in those early days?  And did they ever achieve them?

I’ve been missing them a lot these days….maybe because of the holidays, they loved Christmas. My grandfather’s nick name was Frosty. My grandmother decorated a tree like no one ever does. Tinsel covered ever inch and I’m sure could be seen from space, it was glorious. I’ve been thinking about them and the life they lived. They saw some really tough times. They lived through a war, their only son, my uncle being in Vietnam. My mother marring a man they despised. Alcoholism, depression, death of family and friends…they saw it all and yet, they remained together and true to each other their entire life. There was no divorce, no walking away when things got hard but they took care of each other, they loved each other. With love anything is possible. Maybe it’s because they were two people who no matter what, loved me unconditionally. They never cared how much money I made, what I wore, if I was dating anyone…..they loved me….me for me. I miss that. 

I remember one time I asked my grandfather what his new year’s resolutions were. He laughed out loud. He had this amazing, raspy smoked one too many camel’s kind of laugh that always made me happy. He said I don’t waste my time making resolutions….I make lists of things and I try to get to them, if I don’t then I don’t….why set yourself up for failure. I sure do miss him.

“When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out.”

It’s like something has gotten lost along the way. Where are the saved up wishes?

Never changing who I am

Happy 2013. It's been a while since I blogged...one goal is to get back to it more regularly.

Another new year is upon us and as I was driving into work this morning I was reflecting on where my life is at right now.  I am healthy, moderately so, still fighting this cold but overall healthy, I am employed, actually with two jobs, I have a nice home, reliable transportation, amazing friends and a supportive family. One could say I have a pretty good life. I am content….I don’t know that I would go as far as to say happy, but I am content.  I think that’s ok…it gives me something to work towards.

I am going to be 50 this year…and while that number when said out loud kind of makes my skin crawl….I don’t mind it. I feel I have enough years, experience and crap behind me to own that age without apology. 2012 was a year of some major changes for me….some good…but all a necessary part of life.

I’ve come to embrace and understand that no matter how much you want something and how hard you work towards it you don’t always get what you want so you have to learn to settle for what you have. It’s a hard lesson to this day I’m still struggling to accept and be OK with but – it is what it is and I can’t spend any more energy and time focused on it. My life is what it is and I have to just be content with it.

What I have decided to stop doing is apologizing for who I am. I am pretty darn OK just as I am. I’ve decided to quit trying to change to fit other peoples molds of who they THINK I should be or how I should act or who I should hang out with. Quit trying to keep negative, mean, unhappy people in my life. I am who I am and I won’t apologize for it. If you don’t want to have me in your life – ok…that’s fine, it’s kind of sad for you because I am a pretty good person to have around….for real. I’m certainly not perfect, I’ve  made mistakes, I’m pretty sure I will continue to, but I am a good and true friend…for those who can’t see that…again…it makes me sad for you.

I was thinking about how I used to make my thoughts, opinions, plans all revolve around someone else. Their wants, needs – I let them have control of things.  I played my part; I thought that’s what I was supposed to do but no more. It’s taken me a little time to see it’s good those people are not in my everyday life. I don’t hate them or wish anything for them but happiness but I’m just glad I am choosing not to be a part of that life anymore. I have let a lot of things go over the years for myself…but now I see that really isn’t true to me. I am working hard to hear my own voice….to surround myself with people who are good and true and add things to my life vs. sucking things away. It’s time I made better choices both emotionally and physically….so good bye to the old…..and hello to whatever this year may bring.

I am living my life for me….if people don’t like it then you know what….don’t be my friend. Don’t be a part of my life but don’t be mean or try to make me change because I am never going to change who I am.

Don't let others define you. Don't let the past confine you. Take charge of your life with confidence and determination and there are no limits on what you can do or be.

~Michael Josephson

 

Do squirrels have a death wish?

I usually take the lake route to work. I drive past Lake of the Isles and weave my way into downtown down 28th street to Park and into work….I’ve noticed lately that there seem to be a lot more squirrels taking their lives into their hands. It’s almost like they enjoy playing dodge cars but the risks are much higher.

I am often slamming on my breaks to avoid the darting squirrel….I wonder what they are thinking. It’s like dodge ball trying to get around the lakes without hitting them. Do they sit on the side of the road and wait until the last possible moment to try to cross the street? And why do they dash out, sort of pause, turn and then turn again like they can’t make up their little squirrel minds about which way to go? What is up with that? I worry I may be turning into a squirrel.

Life comes at us fast and furious. I feel like I’m always running around, going from here to there to here all while trying to maintain my sanity and it’s getting harder and harder. The change of seasons presents its own stresses. I have what I believe are seasonal allergies and also many of my co-workers are working through their end of summer colds/allergies as well. The endless sneeze fests and those coughing up their lungs around me add extra stress and pressure to my day. I am pumping myself full of Vitamin C and Purelling every time I leave a meeting just to stay ahead of all that is flying around me. It’s exhausting!

It’s also the time of year I love best, cool sunny days that scream apple picking or drives around to look at the leaves changing….which is hard to make the time to do….but my soul is crying out for it…so I will try to squeeze it in…this is why I feel like an out of control squirrel.

Go here, do this, be there, be nice, spend time with friends, see your family, clean my house, make dinner, wash my car, do my shopping, hang my wine rack…so much to do and thus I spin in circles…I really need to get some people….for real this time.

I was curious about the symbolic meaning of feeling like a squirrel…so I googled it….and of course found all I needed to know and more. One places suggests that a squirrel is a message to us to remind us to have more fun and to take life a little less seriously. Ok…I can buy that. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and worn out by life so I can definitely get on board with the have more fun piece. It goes on to talk about how a squirrel is known to save and hide its food to survive the winter months and it may be a sign to us to take a deeper look into our own lives and be sure we have the “provisions” we need to survive. Ahhh…this squirrel metaphor is turning out to be deeper than I had even imagined when I began dodging them on my drive.

So…what do I need to consider for myself? This is a deeper question and one that will require some thought. One message goes on to talk about how a squirrel only actually finds a very small percentage of their nuts and keeps them safe for later use. That the message here is one of balance…we reap what we sow. It’s telling us to be mindful in our moment and to be the seeds we plant in our own life. Ahh, these social creatures who are much more clever and meaningful that I ever imagined. Who knew that they were such social creatures, often traveling in a pair or packs, which means they are much like myself. The squirrel reminds us to communicate with others but to honor those around us at the same time…so this little gather is really just preparing for the future and reminding us to get our ducks in a row to be prepared for what it to come.

So after having some time to ponder and work through this, I think it’s not actually so bad if I feel/act like a squirrel…it means I am simply getting prepared for the future.

Nuts for my friends!

Beautiful from the inside out

I haven’t been to a wake in a long time where the body was laid out. I always find that such a disconcerting event. It’s always sort of made me wonder why we take a loved one and dress them up to the nines and lay them out for everyone to see one last time. It’s often the best that person has looked in YEARS. I mean their hair is perfect, their makeup flawless and there is none of the everyday life stuff adding lines of stress to their faces….it’s a beauty that comes from the inside. Total and complete peace. I wonder if that's the reason it freaks me out so much, that complete and total look of peace and contentment? Have I become to cynical about life? Have we all?

I realize this display is usually for the family and friends of the person, the last time they get to be/see their loved one but it’s always sort of freaked me out a bit. I almost always expect them to sit up and say something or to yell at someone for something going on. Today is my dad’s birthday, he would have been 73. He had a hard life, mostly self-imposed, but still, it was a hard life. He wasn't happy. I don't think he was ever happy. He always wanted more, needed more but from what I could tell, always looked for the easy way to get that...which often meant more stress and work in the end.

It wore on him - and it showed. Towards the end of his life, he always wore a pained expression. He always looked as if just being alive was exhausting him to no end. He was in constant pain and I would offer a constant state of confusion because of the multiple medications he was on. He always looked like he was somewhere else - or desperately wanted to be somewhere else. When he died, it was my family who wanted to say one last good bye to him so we laid him out for all to say good bye.

What struck me at that time was the absolute and complete look of peace that he had. No longer were life’s everyday issues/concerns/pressures weighing him down. No longer were all the failures weighing him down, it was a complete and total release of all the baggage and stuff life adds…..gone…in the absence of a single breath….gone.

Recently I attend my friends mothers wake…same thing, her mother was laid out and absolutely beautiful. She was so peaceful looking. None of the last, hard days wearing her soul out showed. She was peacefully laying there for all to say good bye to one last time. Death really is beautiful. The weight of the world gone and nothing drags them down anymore. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to capture that while we are still here.

I wonder if people have the ability to do that? People like the Dalia Lama or Mother Theresa? I mean the really amazing and good people….but their life isn’t without stress and strife. They give up a lot to live the life they’ve chosen. They give up comforts and possessions and lots of things to be able to give back to the greater good but I wonder, as an every day “Joe”, can we do that? Can we live a life of carefree, stresslessness and ultimately happiness? I’d like to think so but it stresses me even more to think that at my advanced age I still don’t have that peace and contentment I thought I’d have.

What will it take? What does a soul need? Is it ever too late?

Clouds in my coffee

The clouds were amazing today. My drive into the office takes me around the lakes, it’s a relaxing way to start my day. The sunrise reflecting off the water, the ducks happily swimming lazily through the cool morning water and the challenge of avoiding the joggers and bicyclists as I make the trek in is both soothing and a way to help me get focused and centered on my day.

The storm last night that came through must have been a little more intense than I thought. I heard the rain hitting my windows but now that I’m half way in the ground (not death-wise, I have a street level apartment now) I was nestled all snug in my cave and didn’t really think much of the story, but my drive around the lakes proved me wrong. There appeared to be some strong winds that came through as the lake path was littered with downed tree branches and chunks of branches and leaves. As I dogged them, the joggers and bike riders, I realized the weather was a little more severe than I thought. Got me thinking….life is like that. When we stay all closed off in our own little bubble we don’t know what’s really going on outside of us until something forces us to see it.

The clouds this morning were interesting too….sort of 2-D. The sky was filled with these amazing white fluffy beautiful clouds scattered blissfully across the sky and seemingly not at all moving – still as night. There was this layer of darker, very fast moving clouds over them, almost racing across the morning sky whisking away all the beauty and sunlight hidden behind. It was rather distracting to see….I sat through one whole light this morning as I stared at the sky trying to figure out if they were rain clouds or just the remnants of last night’s storm moving on…finding another place to settle into.

Much like those moments in our life, the lies the unhappiness….come in and covers the goodness and light and with once you acknowledge it, it’s like they become the fast moving dark clouds, rushing past us trying to find a new place to land.

I often think of the correlation between the weather and our own lives. I mean it can be full of rainbows and butterflies and in just the blink of an eye a storm can roll in bringing destruction and chaos before you even have a chance to take cover. Life is always changing, no matter how many times you think you have it figured out, some cloud burst or ray of sunshine forces it’s way in causing us to rethink, redefine and change course.

Guess we need a really, really big umbrella.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Keep Calm and Carry On is a catchphrase that originally appeared on a World War II British public safety poster. It was intended to be used to strengthen morale in the event of a large-scale attack or occupation, which many considered inevitable at the time. The intent was to help reassure the masses and to finish what they started. It’s a mantra I am trying hard to adopt.

A friend gave me a gift that touts this saying…it makes me happy every time I see it. As an added bonus, it came with a postcard of the saying (which I immediately blinged up and hung on my desk at work) and a small sticker which I placed on my car. Mainly it helps me find my car in a sea of cars in a parking lot because I can never seem to remember I have a new car and where the hell I parked it, so this distinguishing mark helps me find it and arrive back home.

Keep calm….that’s not something I’ve ever excelled at. I tend to be very much like Chicken Little – the sky is falling…the sky is falling! I grew up in a big family and I think I have that mentality that if it doesn’t happen right now, it won’t happen. That’s part of the downfall of a large family. You develop this mindset that it has to be RIGHT now or it’s not going to happen. You don’t even realize you are living this way until others point it out. Maybe always meant no, we’ll see always meant not a chance in hell, and go ask your father/mother always, always meant it wasn’t going to happen. Keep Calm and Carry On would have served me well during my younger years for sure.

As an adult however, I find it difficult to shift the learning that I have. I know, I mean in my head, I know the difference but somehow it doesn’t translate into my soul. I know you shouldn’t expect one thing from anyone else. Nothing, nada, zip….but I do…I always do and that’s where I go off course. I expect things in return…common sense to be used but how can you expect that from someone when their definition of common sense may not even come close to your own?

I love the curiosity that young children have. They have no fear, no worries they pretty easily go with the flow….it’s too bad we lose that as we get older. Last weekend we had a family get together up at cabins on Leech Lake. It was a fun family bonding time and I got to spend some uninterrupted time with my 2 year old nephew who was happy as a clam to pee outside, sit in the water with Auntie and pick up rocks and toss them in the water over and over and over. We picked up rocks, filled our bucket and tossed them in the water….marveling at the splash each one made. Somewhere along the line he’d pick up a fairly large stone and barely toss it in with a grunt like he was working sooo hard to toss the rock. That was the extent of our day – tossing rocks. It was so very relaxing to just do nothing…play in the sand, toss rocks and enjoy the sun. As we gathered our rocks to toss, we found that along the dock was where tons of rocks settled….I’m sure they were pushed to the side due to the waves and over time one blocked another and another until they became a pile. It was a nice endless source for us so I didn’t have to dig them out of the sand. Problem was as things sit in the water over time they get slimy…from the algae and various other things….like fish stuff and other lake items. So some of the rocks were kinda gross…but as a good Auntie does, I just powered through the slimeyness and keep filling the bucket. My nephew helped and at one point he turned to me and said…look Auntie, it’s stuck. I look at what he is trying to pull off his finger and it’s of course a leech. I mean we are in LEECH lake so I imagined at some point in time it was named that for a reason. Now I’m NOT the great outdoors woman I pretend to be….I hate bugs and I am not into fishing in anyway other than I do enjoy a boat ride – so I had to be the calm one and pull this leech off him. It was stuck pretty good on his finger and as I tried to grab the slimely little bugger off him it would latch on again, finally I got it off him and me and managed to do so without freaking him out. He was pretty excited to tell everyone he had a leech. Ahh the things we do for children.

I could have totally freaked out like the time I found a tick on the inside of my thigh on the car ride home after traipsing around in the woods like I was freaking Little Red Riding Hood. I was with my sister, her husband and my little niece who was maybe 3 or 4 years old. She was conked out and I literally threw my leg up and out the window as we were speeding down the highway assuming the wind would blow the tick off. It didn’t but you can imagine this sight. I moved like a ninja for sure! But with the leech, I calmly pulled it off and we went back to our rock adventure. Keep Calm and Carry On.

So...here we are back to life, back to reality and all the things that seem so stressful and out of our control seem really small and insignifigant when you put them in the perspective of "things could always be worse". I could have never found that leech stuck to my little nephews hand, I couldn't not have bravely pulled it off and continued on our path of rock throwing...would my world be any different? Probably not, but now I feel a tiny bit braver and some of the things that were stressing me out before I went away for the weekend don't seem quite as bad a pulling a leech off.  So...Keep Calm and Carry On my friends...keep calm.

Possibilities are endless

I love the word POSSIBLE. It gives me hope. It inspires me. It makes me happy and giddy with the possibility of something new and fun.

Somedays you wake up and everything in life seems possible....other days it feels totally impossible...but yet we keep plugging away and putting one foot in front of the other until it feels possible again.

This weekend is going to be FULL of possible! My father passed away last year - kind of unexpectedly but if anyone knew him, it wasn’t really THAT unexpected. He had been sick on and off for years. Multiple emergency trips to the ER that my sisters endured, often early in the morning or late at night, because they were the closest not only personally but locally. He was often not expected to pull through the latest bought of some sort of medication/heart failure/blood pressure kind of mess….but he always did. With his stubborn, strong as-an-ox pace maker assisted heart, he always pulled through…until the one time he didn’t. But that’s not important now.


Upon his death my siblings and I gathered to clean out his house, to basically erase his existence from this earth with a family pow wow one Sunday afternoon in April. Within several hours, all traces, well almost all traces, of Vic was removed from the apartment he called home. His belongings boxed up to be sold or donated and some claimed by his grandchildren and children, but mostly, within a few hours he was physically and materialistically gone. All that was left to do was to say our good-byes and bury him. We actually cremated him. I don’t recall right now if that was HIS wish or ours…but it made sense. My father was never one to plant his feet anywhere and call it home. He has a few brothers left in Chicago and Nebraska but other than that, just us, his remaining gene pool, to call his world. So we cremated him. We all seemed to be in agreement of it, which is a feat within itself to get a large group of people to agree on anything. I remember all descending upon the funeral home we chose and I often wondered if that funeral director ever had that many people in a room making the last choices of an individual. The room was filled with my sisters, my mom, my nieces and nephews (his grandchildren) and if I really think back, it’s possible a pet was in there too. Anyway, we had him cremated and in a few days we could pick him up and do what we wanted with him.

Ahh…the possibilities!

It was probably the first time that I can ever remember that we, the children, got to make ANY decision regarding him. In one way, it was a little empowering, in another, quite sad for my siblings….as this was their last moments with their father. So there we had him…all neat and tidy in a small box ready to do something with him. We knew he loved fishing, probably was the one thing in his life he actually LOVED. That apparently was where his happy place was…so we decided we would let him fish forever by releasing him into the water he loved so much. So we planned, we made it possible, everyone adjusted their life, their schedules and we went, as a family, to his happy place and we read a poem, sent him away on a boat and sprinkled him into the waters he loved so much. Just like that, Vic was one with the water.

The possibilities for him now were endless. He would become part of something so much bigger than he ever was, he would meld and blend and become one with all that touched that water. There were tears, there were stories, there was drinking….a toast of his favorite greek beverage that tasted like lighter fluid and we all went back to our lives with the solemn vow that once a year, we would gather as a family and spend some time together while we were all here. We agreed upon a weekend in June and we all planned our lives around it. That weekend is coming up…June 8-10. Yes the siblings and their families are gathering and celebrating life and family and all that we are….in tiny cabins nestled along the waters our father cherished so much.

There will be stories, there will be drinking and I’m guessing there will be tears - but the possibilities of this gathering are infinite. The weather looks to be beautiful and both my brother and brother-in-law have boats so among the large gathering, we may be able to score a boat ride or two. There will be kids, adults, my mom, multiple nieces and nephews and their significant others and of course pets. There will be pets. Now picture this….we have reserved three 2-bedroom cabins that each accommodate possibly 6 people. Each cabin has the same things – bedroom 1 sports a queen size (or double?) bed, the other has 2 twins and each cabin has a futon that folds out. So…..potentially 6 people could sleep there……moderately comfortably I would say but as usual….with this group, we are an exception to the rule. In my cabin there will be 8 – possibly 9 adults and a dog. In cabin 2, my brother and his family I believe are at the count of 9 plus two dogs and finally in cabin 3, I think they are at 9 as well, a 2 year old and an 8 year old but pet free….so yes….the weather MUST cooperate for us.

Oh the possibilities of this weekend! I am giddy with a touch of apprehension. This is going to go one of two ways, it’s either going to be insanely fun-filled, laugh packed and silliness abound or it’s going to be a chaotic nightmare that seems like there is no escape from….50/50 shot. I know last year we had more space and less people in a room and yet we all gathered in my sisters cabin at night and laughed until my sides hurt and told stories and had an absolutely delightful time and I was in a knee brace having blown out my ACL. I was in a moderate amount of pain (no pain pills) and I still had a rocking good time….so I’m led to believe that this year, the possibilities of the same are pretty high.

I imagine we will be outdoors all day Saturday playing, boating, building family memories….it will just be the night time when the possibilities change. I’m driving all by myself…mostly because I want to have an escape option if I need it and also, I am really feeling like with that many people crammed together, I might really enjoy the 3 ½ hour car ride alone. Details of the weekend will follow.

I wonder, if my father had not died….what possibly would have made us gather together as a family and share some time in our lives like this? I mean we do this at Christmas but it's usually only a few hours and then we all go back to our lives, touching base here and there but rarely as a whole group. We get so busy trying to create our own lives, our own purpose, raising kids, taking care of pets, working or looking for our life partner that we forget about the family connection. It seems only in times of tragedy do we pull together to remember the possibilities that family offers – the fun, the chaos, the madness that makes us.....us. The people that unconditionally love us despite every single fault or mistake we’ve ever made.

So here's to the possibilies life offers us. May you find some possible in your own life and not wait for life to force it upon you.