Learning to get to the now

Sometimes life gets in the way of what it is we really want. It seems like it's an endless race and someone keeps moving the finish line. Sometimes I really miss the innocence of youth. The belief in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny....that magical moment in time when there was something outside our own bubble that really gave me something to look forward to.

The older I get, I realize you have less magical moments to believe in. I wonder what changes that for a person. Is is a job, a partner, money? Is it tied to a time of the year or something deeper, way inside of us? Does the Universe really put things in our path when we need them. Is there really some merit to unanswered prayers? I mean, if we really got all that we ask for all the time, would we really appreciate anything? Don't we really value and appreciate the things we've worked hard for.....including the people we fight to keep in our lives.

Sometimes we have to learn to live in the here and now. Not to say we shouldn't focus on the future, but sometimes we have to accept what we can't control and just live in the now. I’ve noticed that the happier I feel, the less attached I am to outcomes. Instead of trying to acquire money, possessions, or other external things, my focus has shifted to self-expression, what I can control, what I can change.

I'm exhausted from focusing on what I don't have right now, feeling like I'm stuck in the same situation and sacrificing everything for the hope of a better tomorrow....like I'm running on a treadmill. I'm learning there is no "someday" and there is only right now. So it's time to make that move to the here and now....to today....to making choices that enhance and move my life forward....that stop holding you in one place that you can't seem to get out of.

Here's to the now....and leaving the past in the past.

And so it begins...or actually ends

It's bound to happen. Relationships end, friends lose touch, family moves apart. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy.

I have been fighting for so long to hang on to the things I want in my life. Like a mountain climber clutching the side of a mountain for dear life, I have dug my nails into the things I want so badly that I didn't see them crumbling right out from under me until suddenly (or that's how it seems) they have fallen apart. They are gone and I'm not sure I can get them back.

Mostly for me I've realized as I've gotten older, there is SO little we have control over. We can't control the weather or other people or - well, pretty much anything. We really have control over so very little in our own lives. I know it's not how we act but how we REACT to things. It's all in our attitude, our perception our whatever, but frankly....I'm kinda not really digging the fact that I seem to keep dealing with "endings" of one form or another.

I was happy and content in my life. I woke up everyday and did the same thing over and over to the point that people could and did call me predictable. Then something inside me decided that life wasn't good enough any longer so I pulled up stakes and changed my life pretty drastically.

At first it was all shiny and new and I was again happy and content. Then again, one day I woke up to discover that once again, it wasn't enough, there was something missing....something not quite right with who I was and where I was so I again made changes. Again I was happy and content but had this weird sort of heightened sense of reality that this too won't last. As soon as I am comfortable and happy with my madness, this too will change....and slowly over the last year it's happened again. This time however, seemed to be a shorter amount to time that spanned between the "I'll make changes and everything will be good again" and "wow, this isn't what I want at all, something has to change" time frame.

Is it because I'm older and dare I say "wiser"? Is it because I've had some things come into my life over the last year that I really wanted to stay and without my control, they have slowly dwindled and left without me making that decision? Or is it because I'm deciding much quicker that I don't have to wait for things to change, I can go ahead and make that happen? Either way, it's happening faster and thus...it begins again...but really that means things I like/enjoy/want in my life are ending and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I think we had an amazing summer/fall this year and I loved that until this very last weekend, we were coat less and open toe shoes were still being strutted about like it was the middle of July. All of a sudden, we have gone into the boot/closed toe season and I feel like I wasn't quite ready. Is it because I fought it? I stubbornly dug my proverbial head in the sand and refused to accept that summer/fall was indeed over? All I know is here I sit, the middle of November, reflecting back on this year and trying like hell to not COMPARE it, but to look at it for what it was/is and how little time is left to try to make it be something that won't feel like a complete black hole of suckyness to end this year.

I feel really disappointed by this year. I had high hopes for it...I mean I was coming into this year with hope and anticipation and plans of it being a continuation of the last year and planned on riding that high through this year. I wanted not only my personal relationships to grow and flourish but I really thought my professional life would grow and bloom in many new ways that would not only enhance me from a challenging work focused perspective, but a financial one as well. I imagined I would finally be in a place of respect and financial wellness for myself that is LONG overdue and again, without my control, none of that really happened. Oh I was given new "opportunities", that's always good, but opportunities need to have rewards for a person on a personal level as well as a financial level and I don't know how to mesh that up when I have no control over it. It's just....disappointing.

Also, it's been a hard year for some of my very close friends...there have been job losses, long term relationships that ended and new additions to already stressed families and I want to help them all but find that by trying to maintain everyone else's life, it drains my life immensely and nothing is in place to refill that for me. I'm like that little buoy that's tied out to a mile marker that serves a purpose but no one is sure exactly what it is - but it is important.

And now the holidays are upon us. I reflect on all I'm really thankful for: family, friends, my health, my jobs.....I'm lucky. I'm super lucky, but yet, there is this huge missing piece, this huge open part that doesn't seem to have any place. How do you try to fix what you can't even see?

I miss the relationships I had last year, I feel responsible for the loss because I've been pretty self focused trying to figure out whatever path it is I'm suppose to be on and the harder I try to find it, the more confused it seems to be and thus I've ended up losing some relationships because a person only has so much to give. My well is dry. I miss those people that I could just BE myself with, that do simple things like having a coffee or seeing a movie was enough. Feels like everything has to be a bigger production - schedules have to be coordinated, families have to be notified and all the life changes have pulled us away from each other either because of relationship additions, complications or moving far away.

And so it begins...the ending that I've been fighting to not have happen...is actually happening right in front of me and down I fall.....to the bottom of the mountain only to pick myself up and try again.

All glitter, no guts

I love glitter, sparkle, bling....shiny objects. It catches my eye and makes me happy. I realize however, there is a fine line between tasteful bling and over the top "Oh my God how old does she think she is" glitter and bling. I also realize, that it takes on another layer when you get older. The whole glitter thing becomes something bigger than just the surface level sparkle you see.....all glitter and not guts doesn't really work.

If your going to do something, I say do it well. Don't half way do it, go into it with guns blazing and really give it 110%. I was talking to a co-worker who had just come from a meeting where she was trying to engage people in the idea of a new program. I don't know the details of the program, but she was trying to get buy-in from the group. She was trying to get everyone moving in the same direction and she said it's got "sparkle". She was describing this new potential program and repeatedly said it's got "sparkle". Finally someone said, "OK...but when the sparkle fades, what are we left with?" It's like you have to suddenly be brave with your mistakes and somehow keep on moving forward.

Sometimes it feels like life is all dependant on one moment. One single defining moment in time. We rush to grow up, to fall in love, to get that ring on our finger that says we are someone, that we matter, we belong, we are. Is life really wrapped inside a diamond ring?

We grow up learning to make wishes....we wish on falling stars, we close our eyes and wish with all our might as we blow out our birthday candles, we even make a wish and throw a penny in a fountain. What have you got to lose by wishing - right? Isn't wishing just a way for us to step outside our comfort zone? To look outside ourselves and want more, want what we don't have yet. To be brave and venture out onto a path we haven't yet walked on? The worst thing you've done is make a mistake, just make another wish. Isn't it time we learn to be brave with our own mistakes?

I like being first. The first one to open a jar of peanut butter, the first one in line at the coffee pots, the first one to be some where....being first. I feel like if I'm there first I get the choice of what I want, where I want to sit and mostly then I won't miss anything. That feels critical to me. Like if you don't want to be left behind. Maybe that's what the sparkle is for? To attract things to you. Who can avoid it? It's got a magnetic feel and pull to it. Even if your not a fan of it, you can't help but notice it.

It's time I suppose to put it all way, to pass it onto the younger generation of would-be's and forge onto a path that is uncluttered and unblinged and see what happens. What color is your life? When the sparkle fades, what are we left with?

It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been trying like hell to live my life with a sparkle effect....or bling-attude (if that isn't a word it should be!) and I thought wow....what do you do when your left with out something to distract, to deflect, to veer away from the reality of life?

What do you do when that's all gone?