The plans we make

I heard this great quote one time - We plan and God laughs.

The context around it was a gentleman in his 40's was talking about how he and his wife were finally ready to move onto the next phase in their life because their youngest child had just graduated high school and was leaving home for college. I bet you know how this ends....they found out his wife was pregnant. We plan....God laughs.

I remember when I was a kid like 12 or 13 years old and at that time in my life all I wanted to do was be a teacher. I imagined this amazing life that was happy and fulfilling and perfect. I almost always liked my teachers and so I imagined they had perfect, happy amazing lives. As I got older, I changed my mind because I was told over and over how little teachers make, how hard they work and how they struggle with such low incomes - so I changed my mind.

I never really had a clear path as to what I changed it to but I knew that I couldn't bare to live a life where I was always broke (ironic huh!?) so I listened to my mother. Mistake one.

"Get married, have kids, buy a house...that's what women do" was the sage advice my mother gave me. Don't waste your time in school. So I tried. I tried to get that life. I tried to find "Mr. Right". I always seemed to find Mr. I'll take your money and let you work but I don't want to actually work, or Mr. you'll do until one of your better looking friends comes along. I was never "the one" for someone else. I was always willing to give up what I wanted, what I needed, what I hoped for in order for someone else to be happy.

At some point you have to realize that isn't the way to live. So I stayed single. I stayed busy with friends and jobs and a busy social life. All around me though friends were getting married or moving in with someone or moving away for a job....and here I remained...in my own bubble. So I listened to my mother....again.

Get a career. Get a nice secure job. So I did. I left the world of child care (was a nanny for many years) and entered Corporate America. There I felt like a little tiny cog in a great big wheel but I also felt hopeful that somehow I would rise through the ranks and "be someone". As Lily Tomlin says "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific".

There was no way I was going to get lost in the corporate shuffle. I was going to come in and be myself and wear what I wanted to wear. I would be loud and proud and do whatever it took to stand out. So I did...for many years - but one day I realized that to get anywhere you have to play the game. You have to drink the "kool-aide" and become a corporate cog. So I did.....I changed everything about myself and I played the game. I did what was asked of me, I even went back to school for a 2 year degree and I started moving in a direction I thought I wanted to go because that's what you do to be successful. You play the game. Turns out it was movement but not really in the direction I should be going.....we plan, God laughs.

So again, I found myself living a life that I thought I was suppose to. I went to work, I came home, I had a very busy social life and yet I always felt like something huge was missing. I still couldn't capture or find that elusive missing piece of myself. Is it missing me or am I missing it?

At the crossroads of life and in my 40's - trying to figure out where to go and what to do I found myself heading back to school again, to complete my 4 year degree this time. Maybe that was the answer. Maybe that would open the doors, maybe it was true what people were saying....I needed a 4 year degree to advance. Possibly that will fill this void inside and something magical will happen when I walk across that stage and accept my degree. Somehow all the answers to life will just come to me and I will be happy and fulfilled and all will be right in the world. Right? We plan....God laughs.

So I did just that. I worked hard, I gave up a lot to finish school and then, oddly enough the answers never came. The doors never opened....June came and went and soon it was the end of the year and the beginning of another and yet no answers. Where can they be?

They weren't in the summer flings I had, they weren't on the trips I took and they certainly weren't among the new and amazing friends I made along the way. So where are they? Where are the answers? Are they still within me? Are the buried inside waiting for me to discover them or are they out there and I have to venture out to seek and find?

Why don't I know? Will I get to ever know that? We plan and God laughs.

Wish I knew the punch line.

One moment in time

It seems to me like just when you get used to things, when you are comfortable and content in your own life the Universe senses this and tosses a fork in the road. Maybe it's a test of faith, or of courage - but it's something to challenge you or make you look at things in a new light. It's not always bad, but it sometimes can be quite exhausting.

I feel like we aren't suppose to be to comfortable, happy or compliant in our own life. That we have to constantly be on the alert for change and be ready for it. If we aren't any little bump in the road can feel like a giant pot hole.

I can't believe how much things change in one year. One simple small year. 365 days and when you really think about it, it's kind of amazing what goes on. I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I am in such a different place this year than I was last year. Last year I threw open a new door in my life that I hadn't even known I had the key to. I did some things I'd never done, I went down paths I didn't even know existed and I experienced some emotions and feelings I had bottled up inside for so long and it didn't kill me. It broke me down a lot of times but overall, I survived.

I started 2009 with a gusto, I went all out and went skipping down the road and enjoyed the ride most of the time. At some point though I stopped and questioned and wondered where I was really headed and that's when things changed....again. That's what life is about, constant revision. If we don't edit and revise we end up stale and stagnant...so I guess...it's all good.

The Universe tells me this today (www.tut.com)

It only takes one idea, one second in time, one friend, one dream, one leap of faith, to change everything, forever.
Just one! Yet eternity lies in the palm of your hand.

Hallelujah,
The Universe

So one moment in time, on second...in the blink of an eye everything changes...forever. It feels sometimes as if life is like walking out on a gang plank. You walk slowly and cautiously out a few feet, testing the strength of the board under you. At some point you feel safe enough to stop and look around and it almost feels comfortable, safe, secure. But you know there end point requires you to jump off, to leap into space and you don't really know your outcome. Is it going to be a hard ending or gently landing into the water that reaches out to embrace you? How will your story end?

We get to comfortable in our own lives. We get up, go to work, text some friends, goof off, work, eat, drink, sleep, have some adult fun and then start all over again the next day. At some point, like anything else, it becomes routine, common place.....uneventful or no longer feels fulfilling. So we change, we change jobs, get new friends, leave old loves, lose co-workers...sometimes within our control....sometimes not, but regardless....things change. They have to.....it's how we deal with that constant change that defines us as a person.

We can fight and whine and complain about it or we can embrace it, let it become the new way and move on and hopefully we become better/stronger for it.

How do we complete our story? How will the one moment in time make us who we are suppose to be?

Who we are

It's always a strange emotional time when a family member dies. So much goes through your head. It makes relationships a little strained as you try to sift through all the internal emotions individually. It makes you face and think about your own mortality and question things within yourself.

For a brief moment in time it makes you value the relationships you have in a new and intense way. You begin to tell people you love them more, you try to mean the things you say and you make all the efforts you can to spend time with them...but just like anything else it fades in intention over time. You don't mean to let it but your own life gets in the way, family, work, responsibilities and suddenly your back to the way things were before you got the terrible news that someone passed. Suddenly we come back to who we are.

During the mourning period lots of pictures and memories are shared. Some are new stories and some are old but it's the pictures that get to me. I look at these moments in time that were captured and I wonder what was happening at that time in their lives. These pictures are tiny moments in time captured and pressed into a permanent memory that gets shared with family. Suddenly when I look at these pictures I realize how large my entire family is. I forget how large my family is.

I forget about my extended family...the second cousins, the family members who knew my grandparents, parents and my aunts and uncles in ways I know my nieces and nephews and I forget the connection we have as a family. I look at these pictures and I see myself in some of the faces smiling back. I see the resemblance in their eyes, their smile and I think to myself, who are these people? I see their name matches mine, I see the familiarity in their faces yet they are mostly strangers.

Isn't it funny how we have all this family all around and yet we don't really know them, or them us. It's who we are, it's the combination of all our families that have come together to create these other people who's same blood runs through their veins.

How can we have so much family around us and yet not really know who they are? We are strangers in our own world.

Part of the system?

It's funny how over time we become that cog in the wheel. We don't even see it happening. One day we realize we are just one little moving piece that helps keep other pieces moving. It's not like anyone CAN'T move without us, we have just become part of the system...good or bad we are part of the rhythm that is everyday life.

Sometimes that's good, sometimes you have to step back and wonder, is this really where I want to be? Is this really what I want to spend my time on? Days like today, when the weather is all dark and gloomy actually inspire me more than sunny bright days. I like these days because I feel like they allow you to FEEL something. They let my insides come out to play.

The Universe had this waiting for me:

What if funky, confusing, gray, lonely days were just part of a "system" that, in turn, created bright, rich, happy, friendly days? What if they were just meant to give deeper elements of your creativity a rest? What if they were deliberately crafted holidays, of a sort, devised by your inner psyche to relieve you from the pressure of artificial expectations?

Would you still bemoan them, wonder what's wrong with you, or fear that they'll never end? Or would they kind of tickle you pink?

You party animal, you -
The Universe

Makes you think.....what if the days your feeling out of sorts or feeling like you can't go on because it all seems like it's too much was really an attempt to get you to see the happier, better, more wonderful things in your life and to really appreciate and value them.

What if they are designed to take the pressure off constantly being happy and excited and crazy thrilled with all parts of life...because that could be really exhausting as well. If you never had the balance, the ying with the yang, you wouldn't appreciate things. Right? Isn't that the whole point of being human...taking the good and the bad and surrounding yourself with people and things that allow you to ride this roller coaster without falling out?

So remain seated, keep your hands in at all times and enjoy the ride.

It takes a village

Somedays it feels like there is no light in the tunnel I travel in. That I wander around aimlessly and bounce off walls. Sometimes the walls are soft and comforting, almost like arms holding me tightly - encouraging me with it's gentle push back onto my path to keep traveling. Other days it feels as if the walls are covered by years of some kind of sharp protruding pieces that break down the walls around me into sharp shards of indifference and pain.

There comes a time in every ones life where nothing seems to go our way, when nothing seems to turn out right. There is no place to go, no open door. You travel down this path only to find out there is no where to go, no place to turn. It's hard when you realize this.

It's not as dark and dismal as it sounds, I mean it more of a thought process kind of a way. One day you just realize that the path you are on is not really a path but a muddy, muddled unmowed patch of overgrown weeds and it's time to stop and find the field of flowers.

It's important to have people in your life that can hold your hand while you wander. People who instinctively know to make things feel OK....like the friend who brings you a giant tub of cheese balls just when you really needed something to make a gloomy time better.

Lately I've realized how hard it is to BE that person. It's hard to be that person for someone else while trying to manage your own life. I think that's where that old saying "It takes a village to raise a child" comes from. It does take a village.

Your never given more than you can handle....but some days doesn't it feel like your going to implode from all the external stuff being forced upon you?

All creation emerges from darkness.........sometimes we have to trudge though the dark tunnels of our life to emerge into the light of day on the other side and the best you can hope for is to find some amazing people to help you get there.

Is it really so hard to find people in life like that? I think if we just open our eyes we very well may already be surrounded by them.

It does take a village.

Talk is cheap

Words have power. We give them the power. We allow them to make us feel something - sad, happy, loved....whatever it might be, we allow them to let us feel something. People talk a lot. I am probably one of the worst offenders but I'm starting to maybe reconsider the fact that words have power. They very well just be empty vessels we use to make ourselves feel OK.

How many times have we all done this....said yes to things when we really don't want to? Said I'll be there or I'll bring this or I love you and really, in the end, it means nothing. Words really don't mean anything...it's the actions you follow them up with that mean things.

You can't say I love you and then cheat on that person. Is that love? Is that how you show your heart to someone? You can't say you are important in my life and then never spend time with that person. You can't say I'd do anything for you if you would just ask....and then never do what your asked. Words are empty vessels without action that follows up or matches.

I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life that I enjoy being with, the people I want to spend my time with and even though I don't get to spend as much time with them as I want, the time I do spend with them makes me realize how important it is to have people you can be yourself with, that you can let your hair down and just be....no judging, no rules, no hidden agendas. It's easy and helps make the rest of your life bearable.

There comes a time in life where you realize you need people around you who you know will be there to hold your hand and you theirs when it's needed.

So now that we are at the beginning of not only a new year but a new decade, let us become the kind of people/friend/lover/employee/person whose words match their deeds.

Changing tracks

Somehow life consistently keeps changing and throwing curve balls in our direction. Everytime you plan and start moving towards some direction something comes along and forces us to shift gears - to change track mid-stream. I feel like I've lost the life I’ve had planned in my head. That the direction I thought I wanted or needed to move is no longer an option. Should I give up or just keep moving in that direction? Does it really lead anywhere? I think I have to begin again and search for the life that’s waiting for me.

That's got to be completely different from what I've got now....right?

I guess it really comes down to the question - are we living the life we want or just existing? I think in my case I start down my path expecting some sort of result. When I don't get the expected result it makes me stop and wonder what I am doing. Where am I really going or trying to get to? Do I keep going and see where I end up or do I stop, pull up stakes and move in another direction?

The Universe has this to say:

Expecting "end results" - such as wealth and abundance, health and harmony, friends and laughter - in broad brush strokes, is part of the secret formula for manifesting the life of your dreams. Expecting your
path to follow a certain route such as writing a bestseller to accumulate wealth, having a particular someone fall in love with you, or insisting upon this idea, that diet, or the other invention to be your deliverance - is just plain messing with the cursed hows and severely limits my options... (I hate when that happens.)
Cool?
The Universe

Release any expectations you may have of how you think your dreams will come true but by all means, with every fiber of your being, expect that they will, as you busy yourself enjoying who and where you already are.

Often when dramatic change or events occur we collapse from the physical and mental efforts it takes to just exist. To get up, get dressed and continue on with your own everyday activities sometimes seems like a big enough accomplishment. I really don't spend much time stopping to think, to figure out what is really required of me before I start moving forward I guess in an attempt to get away from where I'm at. Maybe that's it. Maybe we force ourselves to keep plunging ahead to get as far away from the current chaos as possible.

While this year/decade is still unfolding it's providing us with the chance to get something right. It's like a new chapter in a book, you don't know how exactly it's going to end but you can't wait to turn the page.

Here's to turning the page.

Death is exhausting

I always thought it was so exhausting to live each day with purpose and drive but really its the dead part of it that really becomes the exhausting part.

There is so much to decide, funeral, no funeral, cremate or bury, what to do with all of the person's possessions that had to mean something to them for them to have kept them. Right?

I look at my life and think Jesus God, when I go someone is going to go through my house and decide what my things mean. They will assign a value to everything in my house. Not really a financial value but a value none the less. Does the jar of corks by by kitchen mean anything to anyone other than me? What about the chest of rocks? The vase or the candle holder that doesn't match anything else in my house? My stuff means nothing to anyone other than me and if I am not here to assign it value, it disappears and means nothing. It's a perplexing thing our possessions.

My uncle died...actually he killed himself. He was 67 years old and couldn't bare to go on any longer without his soul mate. I think he died of a broken heart the day she died. My aunt passed away quite suddenly in 2008 after a weird illness that turned deadly unexpectedly. My uncle had to make the decision to let her go...it broke his heart. He struggled for a year and a few months before he gave into his deep heart breaking sadness. He would say over and over how deeply he missed his soul mate but none of us realized how deep that sadness went. As the executor of his estate, I am now charged with making decisions about what things mean. I get to decide what value is on anything he has. It's a daunting, overwhelming thought. How does one even begin to decide what things meant. The pen laying by his check book...was it some random pen or is there some deep hidden meaning behind it that one will never know?

These are the thoughts rambling through my head as I begin to think about cleaning up someone else's life. I can barely contain or control my own life and to think about being responsible for someone else's is .....difficult.

It makes me so sad to think my uncle was so very sad that he couldn't imagine another day in this world. Did he know something we didn't know? We will never know I guess. It's just plain old heart breaking.

I think some days that I won't ever feel happy or loved or valued again and then one day without me really knowing it I do....and I think wow...I never saw this coming. How come he didn't have a moment like that........everybody hurts, there's comfort in the pain but how do you help someone come back from that kind of soul sucking pain that obviously consumed him and eventually he gave into it.

RIP uncle Jack. I hope you found the happiness you so deeply missed.

When in Rome

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I miss. I miss people, places and moments in time. I miss things mostly I think that I can't control. Is that true? Do we miss what we can't control?
Can we control anything really?

I have been fighting to keep people in my life once things change. When life shifts it's course I fight to keep people in my life. I call, I text, I set up outings....I make all the effort towards keeping them in my life and if I stop.....they disappear and fade away. It makes me sad because I feel like I need them in my life, I need parts of what they offer to my life and unless I am making the concerted effort to keep them thinking about me and talking to me and seeing me what we have will fade away. It can be exhausting.

At what point do we stop trying so hard to keep people connected to us? At what point to we sit back and let the course of the Universe walk it's course?

When in Rome......do as the Romans do. In theory it's great...do as others do...but in reality, what does it get you? It seems the harder you fight to keep something the same or in your life the faster it changes and pulls away from you. Is it possible we can want what we really don't get to have?

I wonder if I stopped my daily connection with certain people would it end? Would it stop? Would things just continue to go forward but in a new and different way? Do we trust that we are where we are at and keep moving or do we continue to try to keep those things in our life that we fight so hard for?

When do we decide that things aren't worth fighting for?

Redo or undo?

Last year I had a less than stellar New Year's celebration so I decided to do a "re-do" at the end of January and act as if January never existed. So in reality, my year was only 11 months and not 12. I was OK with it, I embraced it, I thought it was a brilliant idea!

This year I was ill prepared for a New Year's celebration for lots of reasons but mostly my heart just wasn't in it, I couldn't get invested in a new year celebration....I just wanted the year to be done, over, finished and I wanted to move on to the new decade with hope and joy in my heart. Well I just wanted the year to be done...how's that?

In recent conversations with friends many have expressed how much they have been disappointed with their new year thus far and I have been recommending the New Year's re-do to them pointing out that it really worked out well for me, well in the beginning of the year anyway it did.

Yesterday I had a hard day, a day of things constantly reminding me of all the things I don't have, of a life I get to watch others live, of people I don't get to be with and it made me feel like I am missing out on something bigger than me. So after an entire day of that, I had ha hard time trying to go to sleep. As I was trying to sleep I thought about the whole "re-do" thing.

Re-do or Do-over or Un-do? Which is better? Which accomplishes what we need it to? Is there a difference? I mean they are sort of designed to let us erase and start down a path again as if the first time didn't even matter....right? Is denial such a bad thing?

The Universe had this waiting for me this morning:

Now, I have to admit that among inventions, the "Undo" button is right up there with the very greatest of all time, but it'll never compare to the "Do" button, from which worlds are born. This is your chance!
2010, Baby -
The Universe

Plus while some things can't be undone, you can ALWAYS start anew.

Ahh, starting anew. I like that thought. It's not that we want to do the same thing over and over, we want something better, something NEW and wonderful. So maybe it shouldn't be Happy New Year's maybe it should be Happy ANEW Year's!

Baby Steps

Everyday provides a new opportunity for growth and change. Each day starts out with a choice. We can make the best of the 24 hours that lay before us or fight them every step of the way. I think the fighting is the thing that wears ones soul out the most. It's hard to go against the grain all of the time.

The Universe in it's infinite wisdom tries to provide moments for us to jump on the train and ride to the next station but often we are so focused on where we think we should be or where we need to be that we miss the train. Maybe 2010 is a year of standing a little still and listening for the whistle?

Baby steps....we can't just switch gears overnight. Although it seems like a really good idea it's just not possible. I started my gratitude journal again. The idea is that right before you go to bed you write down 5 things you are grateful for. It's a lot harder than you think. It can be little things like "I'm grateful I didn't kill anyone today".....you get the idea. That way as you drift off to la la land your head is filled with good not bad. I tend to focus on the not so good things. Things like I wish I would have done this or I should have gotten this done or why didn't I hear from this person? I tend to want to control all parts of not only my own life, but others. I want what I want when I want it. Nothing wrong with that except it may not be what the other person wants too. It's so complicated to be not only and adult but to be me.

I was reading this book and it was talking about being content and happy with where you are at right now in your life. It gave you an exercise to do. Think back to a happy time. A really, really happy time in your life. Go back as far as it takes, to a time when you felt so light you thought you might float. Do you remember it? That carefree feeling? The acceptance of the moment, of yourself, of life? Feeling unfettered by thoughts of the future and oblivious to the past? Now what's stopping you from feeling it a little longer?

Got me to thinking....we are our own road blocks. We put all these conditions on our own lives. I will be happy when this happens, I want to have this much money, I need to have someone in my life, I want a new car......we convince ourselves that when we have more, we will be happy, content, feel loved, feel important....something. When do we realize that maybe all we already have is enough? All we are is good and our lives are already filled with abundance?

The Universe then presented me with this thought today:

I understand that you must wonder, sometimes to the point of bewilderment, at what you're truly capable of doing. Yet, therein lies the "problem," because living the life of your dreams is far more about what I'm capable of doing. All I need from you is a vision, followed by an unending march of little, tiny baby steps in its direction.
Surrender - The Universe

How can baby steps evoke so much change and acceptance? How can something so little make such a big difference?

Fairly certain

There are somethings a person just knows. I know I can't walk a tight rope, I know I will never be a super model, I know I can do just about anything I set my mind to...and there are those things we convince ourselves we can do that just honestly don't work out.

I sometimes believe I am invincible, I am stronger than I really am and that I don't really need anyone....but you know what, I am wrong. There - the first week of the new year and I've announced it out loud...I AM WRONG!

It's a little empowering to come to terms with our own faults. It makes me realize I am human and I do have flaws......well I knew I had flaws but the river of denial sure runs wild and free.

And what does January hold? So much seems possible and doable and attainable right now. We have a year before us, 11 plus months to accomplish anything we choose! Empty journals, fresh bank accounts, three hundred and sixty-five new days (give or take a few) neatly parceled into weeks, months, seasons, holidays. A fair chunk of time, of our own life just waiting to be filled.

One thing is certain; there will be more newness than ever before. All the world is facing changed values, an altered lay-out of life and it provides us with a creative primer for re-discovering our authenticity and igniting our pour passions known or unknown.

So often when change occurs in our lives, downshifting jobs, relationships end (or even begin), financial resources change, living arrangements; we tend to collapse inwardly from all the anticipated exhaustion of our physical and mental efforts—when really we should just stay still until we see what’s required of us. It's hard not to anticipate what might be when looking towards the future or toward upcoming changes. We have to plan to react. Right?

So here’s to a year of doing less, making space, appreciating more and beginning with January, a month of regrouping and recouping.

Rest and rejuvenation even if it brings with it a bit of rebellion!

Making mistakes

Happy new year...happy new decade. It's an opportunity for each of us right now to get on a new path and venture out into the world to see what it is we are really ready for and made of. It's a time of new beginnings, forgiveness, hope, fear, love, peace, happiness and mostly hope.

A new decade seems to offer so many more opportunities and choices than a regular new year change over. It's a time for each of us to move confidently forward towards something.

I've learned over the last year that you have to make mistakes to find out not only who you aren't but what you really want from life. You have to take some action and suddenly - insight follows. By making mistakes and taking wrong, uncharted paths we learn what it is we really want or need from friends, family, loved ones and sometimes we get the option to make that change happen. Sometimes we can only learn from the mistakes and hope that going forward we don't make those same mistakes.

I heard someone say we have to stop living unconsciously and we have to break the rules to test ourselves. I spent a good part of last year breaking rules and living outside my regular boring existence and for the most part I had a lot of fun and had some experiences I might never have allowed myself to think about much less actually do. I don't regret any of it....I do miss a lot of it though. It feels like it all changed so fast and really without my permission.

Change feels like something we have to pretend to embrace even as our hearts sink. We want it as much as we fear it for the most part. I know that change happens regardless of us accepting t or wanting it to or not. Not choice other than taking steps forward. Can't go around it or over it, have to go right through the middle of it and openly embrace all that it gives us.

I love the concept of change....I love the possibilities that thought brings to mind but in reality, I fight it probably more than I should. I always think I'm going to be brave and strong and embrace change. To open myself up to it and let if flow over me like a rainbow but the truth is, like anything else, I want to control the outcome, the finale, the happily ever after. I want it to be what I want it to be in my own time. When did I become so stubborn?

So possibly this is the year of making mistakes...the year of learning how to move on from them, to mend your heart and soul and to start this new decade fresh and with eyes wide open.

2010.....bring it on.

Time for a change

Here we are at the beginning of a brand new year. So much possibility lays before us all it's a little overwhelming. As I ponder the beginning of this year I see the potential this year has to offer and I want to reach out my hands and wrap them really tightly around the hope and not let it go. Just like anything else you grasp onto to tightly if you squeeze it too hard it will wither and die.

I need to greet the new year with arms spread open and my eyes wide open. That's the only way this year can work. I keep running but always looking back, how does one know if they ever reach their destination? We all have to start from someplace, maybe where I am right now is the perfect starting place...the possibilities of this year are never ending. Maybe everything we need is already inside of us. Maybe our time is now, maybe our moment is here, maybe.......

And so the journey begins. Welcome 2010!