Wants, needs, expectations

They are all connected really.....we want things, we need things and I most certainly expect things. Are they all necessary though?

The needs thing is easy....the basic needs of life....shelter, food, clothing, a job, safety, relationships with others....I get that, that makes sense to me. Wanting things.....that's a little hinky for me...I want a lot of stuff or things to happen but do I NEED them - probably not. I'd certainly survive without but I do want them. Wanting in a powerful thing. I have this great quote from an Oprah magazine which I know I won't get right but it went something like she ignored the wants for so long that they began to shout out loud. If we keep ignoring what we want does it get louder? Do we eventually have to address the wants or do they wither and die? Isn't that really what Oprah's magazine is based on anyway....wanting. You want to read the books she praises, you want the things on her list and you want to be like the people in the magazine ads....wants.....that's a hard one to rationalize away. I want to not want to want. Hmmm.....is that even possible? Do I really want that or do I think I'm suppose to want that?

The last part, expectations, is what I am struggling with. I expect certain outcomes in my life from events, from everyday and from people. I am almost constantly disappointed in the outcomes because in my head I've built them into something completely different from the reality. I expect something different than what I am getting and when it comes down to it, it's me who has to change. Change my thinking, my expectations my wants. I have gone places or done things that were completely unplanned or unexpected and had a great time and then when I place the expectation on a certain outcome and it doesn't happen I feel let down, sad, unfulfilled. Does a person have to stop expecting an outcome?

New Years Eve....this day holds a lot of pressure for me. I know its probably, OK it IS self imposed pressure, but it's the end of the old and the beginning of the new. If I don't lay out some expectations for the new year am I just then accepting what will be? Don't I have the obligation to put out there some sort of a plan or list or expectation of what I want....need, expect from the new year? Don't I owe it to myself to make a plan or am I just making too much out of things?

I feel a odd sense of uneasement (is that even a word?) coming in to this new year and if I honestly look at my life I'm probably at one the best, stable, connected places I've been at in my own life in a really long time. I enjoy my life, my friends (both old and especially new!) and my job at the moment is .....well.....I still have one to go to next week - I'm really in a pretty good place. I'm very close to being done with school, my family is well and I'm in a pretty darn good place.....what more do I really need, want or expect from a new year? Is it possible I am just making too much out of New Years Eve?

My focus this year will be to work on my list.....I have been creating a list of things I want to do and I really think 2009 needs to be a year I focus on what I want, what I need and maybe leave the expectation part up to the Universe? Most importantly I want it to be a year of doing things I have never done before and having fun.

Oh my God.....did I just figure it out? Dang....I think I did. I really enjoy my window seat to the world as I blog....feels like I can really sort things out.

Happy New Year and good bye 2008!

Afraid to take risks?

I've never thought of myself as someone afraid to do things but as this year comes to a close I think back over the year and I'm a little disappointed in the things I stopped myself from doing because I was afraid or worried what others would think of me. Can a person be afraid of taking a risk? Am I afraid of taking a risk? What about others.....do they chance a different choice?

I know I talk a good game...I think I am braver than I really am. I think I'm ready to move to the next level and then I stop myself....I get scared or nervous or worried and I stop...I pull back and I don't do things. Don't we all do that? Do we sabotage ourselves and get in the way of our own path? Why do I do that? Who really cares? There are people I know who are so much braver than me, they don't seem to care what anyone else says they just live their life out loud with no excuses. I really want to live that way but there is something that always seems to stop me. Is it my upbringing? My fear of the unknown? My worry that the hype won't live up to what I've created in my mind? What sensors do I need to break down to live my life out loud?

I know there are times I've felt brave and bold in my life and I've pushed past the fear and done what I really wanted to do and I've had a great time....but it's like I need that push, that someone to take me by the hand and lead me there and then once I'm there I'm good but the actual getting there seems to be like a road block and I can't seem to get there on my own. Is risk taking a group event?

Isn't taking risks suppose to be about growing and pushing ourselves to the next level? If so then why is it so scary to push ourselves to the next level? What is it that we are really afraid of? Is it possible we are afraid of being happy? Of succeeding? Of living the life we really want? Why is risk such a negative thing?

Scared of taking a risk.....please.....I can take a risk..I've taken risks....heck....2009 is going to be a year of breaking down the walls and taking risks.

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I found these two quotes as I was reading this morning....interesting isn't it.

Don't over think. Let passion override your fear.

Indulgence isn't a sign of failure, it's an occasional opportunity to experience pure pleasure.

Now I wonder.....is risk something we avoid because of fear or fear of pure pleasure? Do we deny ourselves that deeply? Things to ponder as this year winds down.

It's all a balancing act

Is the grass really greener on the other side? I always think it is. I always think people who have what I don't have are happier, more focused, more fun....prettier....but now I'm wondering if that's true or just something we tell ourselves until we get to that point.

You don't know what your missing until you really realize what your missing. Make sense? I think it takes time to realize what it is your really missing and sometimes we fill our lives or our time with all these things trying to find that missing piece only to find years later (um 3 years later in some cases) that you don't have to be missing anything...that things are OK just as they are. Aren't we complicated little ducks?

I look at some of my friends lives or in terms of their relationships and think....that's what I want, but I'm only seeing a moment, a snapshot of time....is that really what I want? There are parts of my old life I miss a lot and I don't even realize I am missing these things until I think about them. When life changes, at least for me, I tend to try to fill my time, my days, my mind with new things to force out the old. It's not always a bad thing because along the way I find some wonderful new things and friends!

Filling up my life makes me forget about the old and focus on the new. At some point though it's not working and you begin to think about the old....and you start to rationalize how great it was or why you gave parts of it up and you begin, at least I do, want that back. And it was great a lot of the time but overall since it ended it's clearly not the life you were intended to live so why do we focus so much on the past, so much on what we don't have and forget to see what is ahead or what we do have? Why do we keep wanting what we had?

Balance....we need a balance of the old and the new.

I spent some time over the holidays with a friend that knows me inside out....it was easy, no thought involved. They know what I like, what I don't like, when I'm tired, when I just need a moment....and I miss that, I miss that kind of a connection with another person but if they were around all the time would that be the reality? I often find that reality and our own reality don't really mesh.

I think my theme for 2009 is going to be balance.....learning the yin and the yang of my life.

Sounds easy.....right?

I'm going to change....just not today

That's a quote from a Gear Daddy's song. Went to see them last night. Enjoyed the evening out but man....do I feel old. It was at the Fine Line and it was pretty packed. It's been a long time since I have been to a bar to hear a band. I forget how fast people drink and how dumb people act when they do drink. I'd like to think that I don't act that much of a fool when I drink but I guess I don't really know.

I love the Gear Daddy's...their music has always spoken to me....and the song I'm going to change just not today made me start thinking about New Years and how really close it is and how unprepared to start a new year I feel.

Last year as the year started I felt safe and secure in my job, I knew school was happening and I was in the total groove of it and I was ready to have 2008 be great but shortly into the year things went wonky. It makes me leary to formulate any type of a plan for 2009. If I really think about it.....what do I want from this year? What do I want to be saying as I sit at the end of 2009 looking back on the year?

I want to have a fun year. I want a year full of laughter, good times, happiness, fun, good friends, real friends.....love, and I want to look back over my list of things I want to do and be able to say WOW - I really did a lot of these things this year. I think it's unrealistic to say I want to do them all but I want a fair chunk of them gone. I will post my list soon....I think it will be a fun way to end my blog this year.

Had a fantastic Christmas...probably one of my better holidays I've had in a really really long time and the funny thing is....it was totally unexpected and pretty much unplanned. Maybe that's the key...don't plan....I find if I plan I'm almost always disappointed.

Oh and here is another surprise..my friend Sarah made me try sushi and I loved it....I can't really eat alot of rice based sushi but it was much more tasty and better than I imagined. See, another unplanned moment. Hmmm...I'm sensing a pattern.

Happy last Saturday of 2008!!!

We are our actions

Our actions no matter how big or small, define us. They create who we are or who we become. You can say one thing but your actions really define you. Who knows your true self better than family. They know your true self and God help us all...we love each other despite it.

It was my family Christmas this weekend and despite the weather the family plowed through the snow and ice to celebrate the holiday. It was probably one of our better Christmas celebrations to date. We all had a great time and as usual there was more food and presents than any of us needed. We opened our family doors and let our freak flags fly high and proud!

We are lucky we have so much family and that we are able to get together and share some time even though we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like too. It's weird to me how fast time goes and how quickly the kids seem to grow....man they seem to have turned into adults right before my eyes yet I don't feel any older. I really enjoy spending time with them and watch them transform into these amazing people. Kills me how much better of a life they have at their age then I did....but I'm happy for them...happy for them to have less of a struggle and hopefully less of a stress on their identity and their place in this world.

As I finished up my holiday shopping with my 6 year old nephew in tow today I realized how self focused and self involved we become as people. People literally are so focused on one thing they just plow into you with their bodies, their shopping carts...their children. Amazing how tunneled we become. As we waited in line to see Santa it occurred to me this whole actions defining us thinking. We were the 6th set in line....lady #1 with her 2.3 children because and clearly a woman with money because the oldest boy (about 6)was dressed immaculately and the little girl (about 4) was a freaking princess in white ruffles, tights and the most sparkly shoes I've ever seen and the baby was like a gap child all perfect and shiny.

While waiting in line she was coaching the kids on how to sit and smile and being the perfect mom and she was patient and explaining every little question they seemed to spew out at lightening speed. She was freaking Donna Reed. Then it was time to place the children on Santa's lap - Jesus God. She turned into this she-devil shrill woman barking orders at the kids like a military Sargent. The 4 year old princess wanted nothing at all to do with Santa and screamed like she was burning at the stake. The poor boy was looking so scared but trying like hell to smile and the mother screamed at the kids....look over here...look over here...Tyler stop looking scared...smile...this is Santa for God's sake...come on Lilly....smile for mama.

I turned to the man next to me who stood there mouth agape and his disheveled kids with static wild hair and said "Um yeah, they're going to be in therapy for many years aren't they?" We both laughed. Then the crazy mom pulled out the letters the kids wrote to Santa and made the boy read them to Santa. Are you kidding me? Seriously she was up there about 10 minutes. Crazy. Talk about actions being who you are. Wow.

It made me start thinking about all the times I do things differently than I say and I thought all a person really has is their word...their deeds.....their integrity. If we aren't being truthful than what is the point? Love with your whole heart, give with no intent to receive and be happy with out expecting something to go wrong.

2009 is around the corner. I really have some major work ahead of me.

Time

I've been thinking a lot lately about time. How we spend it, how we use it - use it to avoid, distract, entertain. It's easy to say "I can't do this because I don't have the time" but really, each day has 24 hours in it...how we choose to spend it is what matters. Are we choosing the right way to spend our time?

As this year winds down I realized there never seems to be enough time for everything. I mean, I choose what I'm doing but when you work full time, part time and go to school it's hard to squeeze in a personal life or time with friends without feeling completely exhausted. How do people with kids do this?

We lose people we love too fast, they are gone before we really have time to spend with them and as I get older I find there is more value in my time that I thought yet I am surprised how well I don't really use my time. I recently went through a phase where I all of a sudden had all this open free time to use and I almost went bonkers trying to figure out what to do with it....how to fill it, how to get my arms wrapped around my own purpose and being and it all seemed to come back to time. I don't have time to do this or I have to much time and I don't know what to do with it. Maybe we use time to avoid things too. I know that if I have too much time on my hands I start to over analyze myself and my life and I become very unhappy.

So I keep myself busy. I find things to do or things to fill it with so I won't feel bad and that somehow makes me feel better. I do all sorts of things to fill my time hoping not to feel lonely or to not focus on my own life but really it's just pushing it aside and at some point it has to come to the surface. Do we invite drama and high maintenance people into our lives so we have something to focus on and "fix" so we can avoid ourselves?

Are we really that complicated of individuals? Am I really that complicated? I remember when we were approaching 2008.....I kept saying 2008 is going to be great...well you know what...it wasn't. In some ways it was, I learned alot about myself this year but overall....the overall theme of this year was not one of my better years.

I am not sure I want to lay out any expectations for 2009....not yet anyway.

Still a few days left to ponder the new year.

Nothing says Merry Christmas better than booze!

What goes with every outfit, always fits and never disappoints? Alcohol! Woo hoo..bring on the holidays! I like drinking.

I talked before about living life moderately sedated and in talking with my friend Sarah yesterday I realized I've been making a good strong attempt at this in the last 6 months! I think I have drank more in the last 6 months then I have in the last year. I'm totally OK with it too. It hasn't negatively affected my life and I enjoy it. I've certainly enjoyed wine way more than I used to as well. Mmmm drinking is good.

Over the last few days I've gotten a few holiday gift and they have all been alcohol based....well except for my awesome talking calendar! That gift ROCKS! I think it's funny, the older I get the more simple the gifts that make me happy.

I love presents. I love giving them, I love getting them for others, I love watching other people open them, well probably not as much as I love getting them but still....presents make people happy. Isn't that what it's all about...being happy? Shouldn't we do that...try to make others happy and doesn't that in turn then make us happy? Isn't it a circle?

Don't we strive every day to be happy? To get to that point where we feel good about ourselves, our lives - happy. If little things do that then is that really wrong? I say no. If we do small acts of kindness towards others we all benefit. Maybe that's the plan for 2009 - stop focusing so much on the here and the now...the ME part of things and look outside myself to find what I'm missing and scoop up all the happiness I can. Maybe.

Today is my last day in the office until January 5th. I also am done with school until January 13th and quite honestly.....I hardly know what to do with all this time....not really time but with all the time my brain will have to not be otherwise occupied. No pushing in chapters of information that I will most certainly lose as soon as the class is done, no smiling while doing crap I don't want to do for others. No being taken for granted...well at work anyway, no trying to look my best....just me spending some time thinking and maybe cleaning out the noggin' getting it ready for a new year. I love time off. I don't know if I am ready to be all grown up.

So much seems possible right now. Is it possible?

Cheers!

Lost and found

My message from the Universe today is this:

Nothing is ever lost. Not time; for what seems to have passed, lives on in the wisdom of future decisions. Not money; for what seems to have been spent, was only invested. And not love; for what seems to have vanished, has only moved so close you must look within your heart to see it.

Here and now whether or not it's obvious, you are the best you've ever been.

So proud,
The Universe

It's funny sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives, our own wants and needs that we forget that there is always another side to the coin...nothing is permanent. Some times we can be so close to something we can't see it....can't see the nose on our face. We need outside connections to bring it to life.

Nothing is ever lost - not jobs, friends, lovers....lives. There is always time to do something else.

Last night I had a long conversation with some friends and it's interesting how parallel our lives are. It's a wonderful thing when you meet people who get you without added drama or work. Just people connecting and filling a need in each other that the Universe has decided is time to be filled.

There is so much we can learn from others if we just listen and let them in. I've been on this mission to find my purpose (Steve Martin immediately jumps into my mind!) and my path that I've forgotten I don't have to be on this path alone and I don't have to even worry about being on a path. Life happens. People come and go and yet I still move forward....or diagonal. We have so many choices everyday to make our lives go in different directions and I forget each day each activity is a movement in some new direction. I think that's key...to keep moving. As long as you are moving you have the potential to find something. Life is a journey.

Can a person really give up? Can they just throw in the towel and go through the motions of everyday with no thought outside themselves? Sure...but what's the value? I have really been struggling trying to be on some path that I think doesn't even exist but I feel like it has to and I just don't have the map to get there but now I am starting to think many of us are on this hunt and it's going to be OK. I think though that I don't need to GET anywhere, I don't need to be anything more that I am for right now. Wow...imagine that.

Isn't it funny what a night out listening to others can do to make your brain shift gears?

More from Charlie

So last night I had my last class of the year. Yee ha! I have a glorious 3 weeks off....I haven't had anytime off from school since it started a year and a half ago...well I've had one week off but 3 whole weeks!! I don't know that I'll know what to do with myself if I'm not squeezing in homework or reading. Woo hoo...merry christmas to me!

So I got home last night and read my new book again - The Travler by Daren Simkin. It's probably one of the best gifts I ever got. It's a fast read and the last two pages really give me pause....that little Charlie sure has some good thoughts that I can relate to.

"And as Charlie spent his final itsy-bitsy seconds on his friend, he was loved.

It may not have been perfect...but he was happy."

That is such a powerful statement! He was happy. Is it really just that easy?

How the heck did Charlie do that?

Mistletoe....it's misunderstood

What is mistletoe anyway and how did it get to be a Christmas tradition. Why can't you find it anymore either? Whenever I hear mistletoe I get a girlish school girl giggle (I can giggle like a school girl!) and think of kissing someone....hee hee...now it's making me blush!!!

So I of course googled it - The word "Mistletoe" is derived from the Old English words, "mistel" (dung) and "tan" (twig). The plant is thought to be named after bird droppings on a branch.

Um.....dung twigs? That doesn't make me want to kiss anything!! Hmm, I have to do some further digging on this one.

Mistletoe is also said to be a sexual symbol, because of the consistency and color of the berry juice as well as the belief that it is an aphrodisiac, the “soul” of the oak from which it grows. Okay, now I'm getting on bored with this whole mistletoe thing. However, I never thought of it as a sexual symbol. Interesting. I might have to ponder this more.

The origin of the tradition of kissing under the mistletoe is vague. However, the tradition may have stemmed from either the Viking association of the plant with Frigga (the goddess of love) or from the ancient belief that mistletoe was related to fertility. Umm, you had me at sexual symbol...but let's continue to investigate.

The correct mistletoe etiquette is for the man to remove one berry when he kisses a woman. When all the berries are gone, there's no more kissing permitted underneath that plant. Woo hoo, I have got to find a plant with ALOT of berries!

One legend states that a couple who kisses underneath mistletoe will have good luck, but a couple neglecting to perform the ritual will have bad luck. Specifically, it is believed that a couple kissing under the mistletoe ensure themselves of marriage and a long, happy life, while an unmarried woman not kissed under the mistletoe will remain single for another year. Freakin' A are you kidding me? Why is the single girl always on the outs! Dang it...where is the positive for the single girl? Is life really just about finding a mate? Jesh! Let's continue!

Maidens may place a sprig of the plant under their pillow at night in the same manner a child places his or her lost tooth in anticipation of a visit from the Tooth Fairy. Umm, what will visit us? Tee hee. Maybe I've been going about things all wrong? Instead of exchanging teeth for money, however, the sprig of Mistletoe allows women to dream of their Prince Charming. Oh...never mind. Burning a mistletoe plant is also thought to foretell a woman’s marital bliss, or lack thereof. A mistletoe that burns steadily prophesies a healthy marriage, while fickle flames may doom a woman to an ill-suited partner. Got a match?

Well....myth solved. Apparently mistletoe is more complex than I imagined. I just like the thought of it in it's simplest form....a kissing prompting device. Who doesn't enjoy kissing? It's not a bad way to spend some time.....with someone you have a connection with, what's wrong with a good old kiss? Sometimes you just gotta pucker up and take one for the team!

Bring on the mistletoe!

My new favorite book

I got a early Christmas present....it's a book called The Traveler - I shall quote from it today. It's amazing!

There once was a boy named Charlie, who had a nice life - but it
wasn't quite perfect. he had to spend too much of his time doing things he didn't want to do. So one day he packed up all his time in a suitcase, locked it up and set off to find a better way to spend it. Charlie traveled the world looking for the perfect thing to make him happy. In the meantime, unbeknownst to him, his itsy-bitsy seconds and silky, smooth hours raggedy days ticked away so that when Charlie stopped traveling and realized what he truly wanted out of life, it was almost too late.

Almost.

Can we really pack up our silky smooth hours? Do we want to? It's the sweetest book I have ever read and it clearly has a message that says to don't waste your time, your silky smooth hours or your itsy-bitsy seconds looking for something better. Be happy where you are at. Be glad with what you have and laugh with your friends.

I have a lot to learn from Charlie.

Comfortable

There is something to be said for our own comfort level. Comfortable shoes, pants, people, food even relationships....comfortable. Sometimes comfort can be misleading. It leads us to a false security that we become familiar with and grow to expect. It then becomes harder every time to find that same level of comfort. I want to be comfortable.

It's like you have the most comfortable pair of shoes. The fit perfectly and are like walking on clouds all day.....but they get ruined and now you expect to find another pair that is just as comfortable - you have this unrealistic expectation of comfort that you may never find again. Same with relationships...that's why we are draw to certain people.....that's why we stay connected with them because it feels comfortable, safe, easy....you know what to expect. What has to happen for us to realize that comfortable isn't always the way to stay? Do we have to break outside out own comfort level and try new things to be able to get rid of the old? Do we really have to get rid of the old or do we learn to deal with the way things change?

I've said it before.....it's hard being an adult. I'm sitting in the comfort of my house listening to the wind howl and thankful I'm home safe. The weather outside is frightful.....I was out haningm out with old friends today. These are people I don't get to see a lot but used to spend a lot of time with. As life moves on we've stayed connected but we definitely don't get to hang out as much as we like to but these are safe, warm, trusted comfortable friends who really know me. We have history, lots of history and it's so nice to be with people who just get you. I like that I don't have to define myself with them. I can just be me and they are fine with that....no judging, no explaining...just laughing,having fun, catching up and sharing life stories.

Then there are new friends you meet. Sometimes you meet someone and you immediately feel a level of comfort with them and there is an instant connection. I like them, I like spending time with them and I think they like spending time with me....it's a new comfort.

I wonder if the Universe has put them in your life to help with transitioning of old comforts to new comforts? Can one comfortable thing replace another?

Creating the brand that is you

I am almost done with school...just barely 6 months and I'm getting scared. Scared that in 6 months from that I'll be doing the same thing wondering why I spent a crap load of money on an education I am not using so I thought I better start doing something about this now.

I expressed my concerns to a co-worker who gave me some good advice. She talked about creating a brand for yourself. Interesting - isn't that kind of like trying to figure out who you really are? Isn't that what we are all struggling to do? How is personal brand different? So I did some searching....here's what I've discovered.

Creating a personal brand is a way for each of us to distinguish ourselves in the marketplace of work. It all starts with this one question: What makes you unique? What do you offer to an employer or client that no one else can offer?

I means that we have to really think about ourselves in a very different way, we almost become a commodity. Brand holds power for companies it only holds true that it should hold power for us as well. I think it does. If I really think about it there are a few people I know that really have a personal brand. You just know exactly what they will say or do in any given situation. You can count on them and you know when they are involved, things get done.

Does that make them predictable? Oh no...if I create a personal brand will I be predictable, stagnate....boring? Why does this scare me? Is my freind Sarah right? Am I scared of succeeding? Oh my god, am I scared of succeeding?! That's crazy.....right?

Back to the whole personal branding thing....companies usually have a image around their brand. I need an image....I also think I need a theme song but I better work on my personal brand then image then song. The fact is that everyone of us are special in some way and we have unique skills, life experiences, and personal characteristics that define us and for the right employer, given the right situation, that combination adds up to a very special value. I thought I offered that now but if I did a survey I bet I'd be surprised to see the results. I want my personal brand to be one of hard work, dedication all while enjoying the ride. I want to be known as the person you want on your team because she will always get the job done but with flair, fun, and not in the usual way. Is that a brand? Is that possible?

The other advice my coworker gave me was even if you don't know what the next step is keep moving, just forge ahead because as you keep moving it will become clearer. It's the stopping or the standing still that gets you lost.

Your personal brand is what gives you value in the work place, it's not a job title. I guess it still comes down to the fact that you have to figure out who you are.

Who am I anyway?

What me cynical?

Someone today called me cynical. Am I a cynical person? I had to think about that. I mean we all can be a bit cynical at times...right? I am cynical about some things for sure....like love or when people tell me something I don't believe, hmmm maybe I am cynical.

Oscar Wilde said that a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Do I know the value of nothing? Does nothing even have a value?

The dictionary defines cynical as - having or showing the attitude or temper of a cynic: as a: contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives b: based on or reflecting a belief that human conduct is motivated primarily by self-interest.

I wonder, do I distrust? I think on some level I do. But who do I really distrust? Is it others or is it myself? Can you not trust yourself? I sometimes think of my distrust as my own oddities but if I really think about it maybe it's my cynical side. Like whenever I get a coffee I have to test the lid (and straighten it, I hate it when it doesn't line up with the logo and the cup holder thingy) to be sure it's on tight. Wait....maybe I'm just more anal retentive then I thought I was....maybe it's not being cynical as much as it's being bossy.....yes...that's got to be it. I'm fine with that...I'm fine with being bossy but cynical...that's not OK.

I would say my dad is a cynical person, he wasn't always....or wait...was he? Man it's hard to separate reality from what we've created for ourselves as our reality isn't it? I mean my reality is what I've created, it's what I've lived, or think I've lived. Maybe I am crazy...or cynical. Now I am doubting not only my sanity but my cynicism.

Do we really become our parents as we age? Do we turn into them at some point because that is what we know? What we've witnessed? I'm worried. I see myself doing or saying things that instantly take me back to my father....why does it have to be my father...why can't it be my mother..wait she's crazy too. Anyway, I say things that make me kind of cringe because that is SO something my dad would have said...but I don't want to be like him. There were some parts of my dad that I did admire though...he was a great gift giver...I'd like to think I can accept the good things. It's bad enough I have to look like him but man, can't I develop my own personality that isn't him?

How do we create a new outlook for ourselves? Can we change that?

14 days until Christmas.....then this year is almost over. I can't believe it's gone....it's amazing how fast time goes when you look back on it. Looking forward to something seems to drag time but when you look back on time it seems to have flown. So much to process before the new year starts, not even sure where to begin.

Cynical....please!!

Happy?

Seems like everyone is struggling to "find themselves" or their path or even to be happy. I talked with a woman yesterday who said she watched some movie with Gweneth Paltrow...can't remember what it's called...I think she said it's called Sliding Doors?? maybe...anyway she made a comment that went something like this....

Life always works out like it's suppose to. You always end up
where your suppose to be no matter what path you have chosen to take because you are where you are suppose to be.

Interesting isn't it....no matter what, you are where you are suppose to be. I'm not sure I really want to believe that....but I guess I will have to go find that movie to see what it tells me.

Then on the radio this morning the DJ's were talking about being happy and that due to the economy or whatever, people in general are not happy. They posed this questions "If money didn't matter, what would you be doing?" the idea is to then incorporate a little of that into your life and it will increase your happiness level. Not to totally quit and walk away from what you are doing but to add little bits of what gives you great joy and that will slowly increase your happiness. I buy that...to an extent but honestly....money does matter....because what I'd be doing right now if money didn't matter was to be laying on a beach in Mexico with a fruity drink. That takes money.....that would make me really really happy too. Ahh...but I get the message in the whole bigger picture kind of a way. Little moments make us happier....overall.

I love Christmas music...I could listen to it year around - especially the older stuff...makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and the magic of Christmas seems to exist again for a little bit. I miss the magic of a Christmas morning. When you wake up to the lit up Christmas tree, presents spilling out from under the tree and the sound of paper tearing as you wonder what is in the package. I miss that part of Christmas....once you lose that can you ever get that feeling back?

I don't mind the winter, I don't even mind the snow what I do mind is how stupid people seem to get in this weather. Honestly....if you CHOOSE to live in Minnesota...it's gonna snow and if you CHOOSE to own a car you are going to have to drive in it....it's not rocket science. Good lord.

I've managed to avoid the winter cold bug that everyone seems to be sharing until Sunday. I awoke to a stuffed head that has progressively gotten worse over the last few days. I'm hoping today is the height of it and going forward it's going to get a little bit better everyday because I do not have the energy or time for feeling crappy. Ugh. I went to bed at 8pm last night. I took a big old swig of NyQuil and settled in to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas as I drifted off to la la land. It was not the right Charlie Brown Christmas show....it was a really annoying one and frankly who wrote it...it was mean and kinda whiny...what the hell? Christmas isn't mean or whiny....I need to see the good Christmas shows...when do they start?

Okay, well despite everything, I am going to be happy....I am going to focus on the good and move forward...bring on 2009 I'm ready.

Creating our own reality

"Find your true path. It's so easy to become someone we don't want to be,
without even realizing it's happening."

Dreams are messages we refuse to let ourselves hear while we are awake and plowing through our day. Lately my dreams have been really trying to tell me something but I've been refusing to listen. Maybe it was my NyQuil induced sleep (yes the devil winter crud has finally gotten to me) but the last two nights I've had weird dreams about endless roads or road blocks or walking on roads that go no where and I just keep going and going....it's clearly trying to tell me what I sort of already know but here is what I find about a road or road block.....as if I didn't know.

To see a road in your dream, indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. To see a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals.

Thankfully my roads have not been bumpy or winding...just simple straight forward endless roads.

You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.? To see a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers, denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned. To see an unknown road in your dream, signifies that you new project will cause more grief than it is worth and a waste of time.

Wow.....my dreams have mostly been about daytime...no flowers or tree's...really nothing but a road out in the daytime...am I really a social climber? I kinda like that!

To see a roadblock in your dream, signifies obstacles in your business or personal life. You may need to be more persistent and diligent in trying to overcome the obstacles that come your way.

Okay this one doesn't surprise me but why does it keep appearing...I know this...I even know what it's really about but I can't do anything about it....doesn't my subconscious know I know?

Our dreams unify our body, mind, and spirit. It provides us with insights into ourselves and is a means for self-exploration. If you understand your dreams you should have a better chance of understanding and discovery of your true self. If that's true I got a lot of work ahead of me.

I realize we all work hard to create our own reality but sometimes our dreams get in the way of where we are taking ourselves....maybe we need to not work so hard at it? Boy...do I have a lot of work ahead of me!

I wish I had some NyQuil right now.

Charlie Brown kind of a feeling

I never realized how depressed Charlie Brown really is. I recorded a few shows and spent some time watching them over the last few days and Charlie is severely depressed...I mean like clinically depressed. He sort of loses his mind over a kite that won't fly and he often is very sad and unhappy...doesn't anyone see that? Where are his parents? Isn't Lucy a therapist...she charges 5cents for advice...doesn't she see the cash cow that is Charlie Brown? Poor Charlie.

It got me thinking about alot of other cartoons....the infamous Winnie the Pooh with poor sad Eyeore, the Little Mermaid with the crumudgeon lobster....and of course there is Rudolph...man that coach was a mean reindeer!! I think Santa is kind of a bastard in that one too. Cartoons are rough...I guess it begins to prepare our little ones for the onset of adulthood and all the life dissappointments we head into. There is no way a new show could do those kinds of things, people would scream from the heavens above.

I am officially ready for the holidays...my presents are wrapped, my cards are almost done and my heart is full of Christmas cheer...bring on the snow and the mistletoe!

My friend sent me this new quote which of course then tied into my whole night:

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Weathering the storm and learning to dance in the rain.....can you really dance to that?

As I sat sipping probably one of the best martini's I've ever had at the St. Paul Hotel waiting for my friend to arrive, we had theater tickets, I witnessed a couple who had clearly weathered some storms. This man walked in with the most enormous bouquet of roses I had ever seen. I mean ENORMOUS! Like the size of my body...huge!!! He was probably in his mid to late 60's and he presented them to this woman who I assume was his wife. He sort of came up behind her and presented them to her as if she had just won the Miss American pageant. You could tell she was completely surprised by this...I like to think it was completely out of character for him to do this. He said to her when he gave them to her he's thankful to have her by his side as they go through life and how much they have gone through and will continue to go through together. He ended by saying he was nothing without her. I swear to God I almost ran over there and hugged them....but I was afraid I'd spill my martini.

Talk about weathering a storm! I think that's what people don't do anymore...weather storms. We have become such a disposable society that the minute something gets hard we quit, we just stop trying. It's not like there won't be something else there again....right? People don't seem to work through the hard times....they seem to bail pretty quickly. Do we all need dance lessons?

I'm as guilty of this as the next person. I think about quitting something every day...life is hard. It's about finding that person or group of people that make you feel like you can make it...that you can weather the storm, dance in the rain with....it isn't necessarily about being with just ONE person. You couldn't possibly get all you need from just one person.

My parents never weathered any storms....well not together anyway. It seemed that they lived pretty separate lives...well my dad did anyway....he never seemed to really want the things my mom did....he seemed to want what he thought he was suppose to have and that never really made him happy. Maybe he is smarter that I give him credit for...maybe he forced himself to live a life he thought he was suppose to and in the end he ended up very unhappy and ultimately all alone.....maybe if he had dared to live the life he wanted things would be different...but then would I even be here? Too much to think about on more than a surface level....at least today.

The bar is pretty dang impressive in the St. Paul Hotel.....if you have never been there you should take me there sometime...I mean you should go there sometime.....it's just beautiful. There is a wall there filled with pictures of all these people who have contributed something to St. Paul....or just the hotel...not sure but I kinda felt a little inadequate...here I was....Joe average sipping my cocktail, staring out the window at Rice Park surrounded by all these amazing pictures of people. The founder of the first school in St. Paul, Executive Secretary of the NAACP, Architect of the Minnesota State Capital. How did they get their picture up on the wall?

What would my picture say - Wanted more than she had? Loved life and was a joy to be around?

What footprint will I leave and is it too late to even make one?

Life isn't like the movies

I was talking with some friends yesterday and we had the conversation that movies set unrealistic expectations for us. Take the movie Dan in Real Life. I love that movie...there is one scene in particular that kills me...the scene towards the end where he realizes that he really has feelings for this woman and has sort of a melt down in front of his family and it felt so real...it felt like it could actually happen. I want that in my life...the real moments. Why don't they seem to happen?

Do movies set us up to expect what we can never really have? The unattainable life?

I came across this quote today:
"Sometimes what people choose to write down on paper is more important than what they say."

It sure ties in with the thoughts noodling around in my head doesn't it. Scripts do seem to have some power. Maybe it's people's way of writing down the kind of life they want....if it's true that you have to put out in the Universe the things you want before they come true is that what writing is about? Do we have to put down in writing the things/life you want and it may happen? Not like I want to win the lottery and bam they call your numbers, more like an overview? I don't know....it seems to make sense on some level.

There are a few movies that really stick out in my mind as moments I wish were a part of my life so that I could have written them down. In the movie Always - the scene when Holly Hunter comes downstairs in that beautiful dress and all the forest fighting guys stop dead and stare at her and then she says....Nobody's touching this dress until they wash their hands and all the guys RUSH to wash their hands. What a moment....it's just a tiny part of the movie but I imagine if that actual moment happened it would be amazing.

In As Good as It Gets....when Jack Nicholson is sitting with Helen Hunt in the restaurant and he says to her "You make me want to be a better man". That one sucks the breath right out of me. Can you imagine being around another person that actually makes you want to be a better person....to actually feel that...to beleive that....amazing.

I guess I do want a movie themed kind of life but not like The Omen or anything.

Time to fly

I was thinking as I drove to work this morning how does a person know it's time to move on? Move on from childhood, a job, a friendship, a relationship. Do you just know it's time or does the Universe have to kick you to make you see it? I've been struggling to hold on to things for so long I'm feeling exhausted....is it time to stop the fight and let go?

I see this young girl every morning walking to the bus stop and I always think why is that young girl (8/10 years old) out this early alone? I wonder does she have to or is she choosing to? I remember when I first moved out...I had just turned 17 and moved in with some friends. It was so freeing...I felt alive. Of course growing up with so many siblings and so much responsibility I felt I was ready....of course I wasn't. Same thing with relationships.....you always think your ready and then somewhere in the middle you wonder....what am I doing here...maybe that's just me. Are you ever really ready or do you have to hold your breath and leap? Leap and the net will appear. It's hard to be an adult.

All these things we do seem to give us value as to who we are. Our jobs, our friends, family and most importantly our relationships. They are sort of what makes us get up and go to a job we don't like, put up with family member that may make us a little nutty or deal with friends we just aren't that fond of but we do these things for the return to us. We give up peices of ourselves to get peices of something else. Is it a fair trade?

The holidays are a hard time to be single...not alone, well that too, but single. There are events or things to be done during these times that really require the presence of another person to really enjoy them....like putting up a tree, shopping, going to holiday parties.....couple or group things and when you are single you sort of feel out of place. Sometimes I feel like that but I've beenin this bubble for so long it doesn't really matter to me anymore - plus I love me a party!

I've noticed how sort of sad it makes some other people. Is it because they have only know that life....always had another person there to do things with and now being alone you don't know how to live your life alone? Working at the ET I've had the opportunity to talk with a lot more people and there are a few people who live there who are really struggling with being alone....I imagine this time of the year makes it even harder. I talk with them and try to point out the good things about this season, encourage them to think outside of themselves and to try to move past it but I realize people have to do that in their own time. I can't make them just like they couldn't make me.

Then I get to work and here is my message from the Universe today:

Sometimes, when you're feeling your lowest

the real you is summoned.
And you understand, maybe for the first time ever,

how grand you are, because you discover

that vulnerable doesn't mean powerless,

scared doesn't mean lacking in beauty,

and uncertainty doesn't mean that you're lost.
These realizations alone will set you on a journey

that will take you far beyond what
you used to think of as extraordinary.

There is always a bright side.
The Universe

Just blows me away how it sort of knows what I'm thinking about even before I know what I'm thinking about. I also think it's amazing that yesterday I wrote about feeling vulnerable, well wondering what life would be like if we didn't worry, and today it says vulnerable doesn't mean powerless. I almost always feel powerless over my own life. Wild. We always have the power to change. Imagine that....we have the power.

We have the choice to choose when to fly.....it may not be the right time but isn't it really more about the journey we take rather than the path we are on? Wow....did I just say that?

Is it time to strap on my big girl shoes and start walking?

Living the "What if" life

Time is elusive. I had a conversation with a friend who said the older you get the faster time seems to go by because in relation to how much time you have left to live, time goes by faster. When you are young you have so much to look forward to and when you become my age (ugh!) you realize you are half way through or more than halfway through your life. Time, it is elusive.

I was talking to a co-worker today and I made the comment that I really wish I had a kid. I think if I did, I would do so many things different. I then talked about this great set of pictures I saw once that I'd wish I'd done. This guy had a son and bought a man's suit and every year on the kids birthday he took his picture in the suit until his son grew into it. Man that's cool. I wish I had done something really creative with my life. He looked at me and said, it's not over yet. Do something. It made me sort of stop and think. Why do we do that? Why do we stop ourselves from doing stuff? We put these preconceived restraints on ourselves and say we can't. It's too late, I'm too old, I'm too poor, I'm....something....I can't. People of all ages have done amazing creative cool things. What's their secret? How do you get the courage to live a "what if" kind of life?

I wonder if I did have a child if they would have the courage to live a life without conditions? Would I have been the kind of parent that gave them a rope to hang onto or a ladder to climb? I guess we will never know but I like to think I would have encouraged them to break the barriers, to be more than they think they can be and to never settle.....that's what I feel like I've done....settled for a life less ordinary, less complicated, plain...simple....boring.

That's what I worry about at night when I try to go to sleep...that I've become ordinary and boring. Isn't that the silliest thing to even spend time worrying about? Really, worst case scenario I'm average, plain....even boring....does that make any difference in what I put out into the world? Maybe it does...maybe if that's what I'm telling myself then that is what I am reaping. You reap what you sew.....am I creating a life for myself I really don't want?

As usual, the Universe always responds....see Kurt...if you listen it responds....today it said this:

Let's find a new adjective for you, Dawn...

How about upercoolhappylovething?

Yeah, a bit clumsy. How about imaculate?

Yeah, ahh, tricky. So, how about just adored!?

Yeah, not new.

Last idea,

Dawn...imaginary.

Oh, that's really good.

Phew,The Universe

So there it is….I need a new adjective to describe me….to give me focus and hope.

What adjective do you have and what would you change it to?

Does changing our adjective really change our life?

Giving in or giving up

Sometimes a good cup of coffee can fix anything that's wrong in the world (mmm thanks Sarah!) and sometimes it can't.

Is there a difference between giving in and giving up? I know in order to move on you have to accept things and stop fighting but is that giving up or is that giving in? It seems that when it rains it pours....and lately it's felt that way for alot of my friends. Seems like things go wrong for them in bunches...not just one thing but several at one. God never gives us more than we can handle...or one door closes and another one opens but sometimes...it feels like too much. When do you decide to cut your losses and give up....or is it give in?

This morning I was listening to the radio and they were playing these requests from people asking for Christmas wishes...things like a new laptop, or to travel to see a sick or dying family member....one was to have enough money to buy a tree an presents for their kids. People all over seem to be in a state of distress.....is it always like this and the holidays just make us focus even more on what we don't have? Have they given up?

When do you decide enough is enough and stop hitting your head against a wall? Is that giving up or do you stop hitting your head and try something else...and that's giving in? Accept what the Universe gives you or do you fight it....challenge it...push it to give you something else.

I have found lately that I have been fighting an unknown force, something I have no power over, no control and absolutely NO way to change it so I decided I'm done...I gave up the fight...and I just accepted. I feel good about it...I feel less discombobulated and disconnected. I also remembered how much I like doing things for other people....little things they don't expect. Like bringing someone a cup of coffee, a book, of just a christmas decoration. Little things that bring unexpected joy to their day...well I like to think it does...it makes me feel better to think outside of myself.....and then this note from the Universe appeared today....

When you become detached mentally from yourself and concentrate on helping other people with their difficulties, you will be able to cope with your own more effectively. Somehow, the act of self-giving is a personal power-releasing factor.

Maybe that's the key, stop thinking about yourself so much, help another person and in turn, you actually end up helping yourself. Isn't the Universe a smart being?

24 days until Christmas!

Boring is ok

I guess I don't mind being boring as much as I hate being predictable! I had an enjoyable day. Had a late breakfast with a friend, ran errands and then came back home and ended up being really productive.

Wrapped presents, cleaned closets, did laundry, made my Christmas cards and managed to avoid doing homework ALL day. Now I am getting ready to go head out to a friends to hang for the night. Boring is OK I guess.

I was seeing lots of frazzled people today and it made me thankful for my non frazzled life. I enjoy that I have control of my time. I can't imagine having to care for someone else all day long and then trying to squeeze time if for myself at the end of the day. It exhausts me to even think about that. I give those people credit though...regardless if they chose that life or not.

I wonder who I'd be if I choose a different path. I'm where I'm at in my life because I chose this path...what if I did one thing different, what if I took a different job and end up working all the time would I be in school? If I wasn't in school I wouldn't have met the great people I met and learned the things I learned nor made the good friends I have at my current job. Isn't it funny how doing one little thing can have such a snowball effect on one's whole life. What if?

What if my parents loved each other and raised their kids thinking they could do whatever they wanted? What if we grew up feeling confident and secure in who we are....would we still be who we are today?

Who will we choose to be next year? Do we get to choose?

Consumption

Ahh...turkey day and black Friday...all about consumption. We consume then turn into comsumers and spend. Who says it's a depressed economy! I've heard lots of people today talking about how stuffed they still are from yesterday's meal and then talking about all the left overs. I think we are doing fine.

I like the fact that we are almost into December....so close to the end of this year and so close to starting a new year. Hopefully the new president will fix this mess of the economy we are in and the war...let's not forget the war.

I've rather enjoyed my last few days off of work and spending some time with just my own thoughts. It was nice to have the time to think....I forget how exhausting that is though. I slept in two days in a row and am planning on doing the same again tomorrow. I have been exhausted by 9/10pm the past few nights and was actually in bed by about 10 last night. I woke up at 7 and laid in bed until about 8:30....it was glorious. Plus I didn't even get dressed until about 3:30 today and only because I had to work at 4. Glorious. I forget the joy of not getting dressed.

I did have a very productive day however, cleaned, tossed a bunch of crap and organized my Christmas stuff...I beleive I am done shopping now. I have decided to not buy all the extra crap I do every year and just enjoy the holidays. I have the essentials done, wrapped and ready to go and so I feel ready.

Not much to say today, just thankful for my health, my friends, family and my jobs. Keep on keeping on Universe.

What's a name?

It's funny, I have always had the worst memory when it comes to names. I'm lucky I can remember my own on a good day and I am always amazed at people who not only know my name but remember it and I don't even remember meeting them! Maybe it's a sign of old age? Maybe it's just who I am? Ugh...names really escape me on most days.

I remember when I was president of my admin group I thought this will really help me hone my memory skills.....it didn't. It was easy for people to remember my name because they really only had to remember one name....me as the speaker had to try to remember lots of names and that was hard. Now that I work at the ET and the residents are pretty good at knowing my name but yeowers.....I can't remember their names much less their apt. numbers. Every time they come in with a slip that was left in their mail box saying they have a package I always have to say.....what apartment are you? I'm trying. Eric and Sarah are rock stars at this....they can remember names, apt. numbers and all sorts of stuff...I'm kind of jealous of that kind of a skill. I'm trying really hard to do that. I remember being so impressed early on that they knew my name....they always greeted me by name...that skill escapes me.

At work there is a security guard who always says good morning to me by name....every day. I don't remember ever telling him my name or really having any interaction with him but over the last few months I've realized he knows my name. Yesterday it dawned on me (no pun intended) that I have no clue what his name is so I asked the regular receptionist at the desk (I do know her name) what his name was and I was determined to say good morning back to him today using his name. I thought about it my whole drive in and I was preparing for it and then when I got to the lobby it was empty...he was no where to be found. Ahh....I was ready, I was prepared, I was going to be that person that said other peoples names out loud and make them feel valued.....dang it. Now of course I've forgotten his name and I'll have to ask again. What is in a name?

I realized I like it when people know my name. When I go to a favorite restaurant and the waiter or hostess knows me...I like that. When I go to get my hair done they remember I like a certain type of shampoo and when I go to get my nails done they know I like color, never leave them plain. I like feeling like I matter to people outside myself.....isn't that what this whole life journey is about. Last night I needed coffee...I was working on homework and just couldn't focus so I made a dash over to the Caribou and the boy behind the counter greeted me with a "hey there northern lights, decaf, sugar free vanilla" - haven't seen you in awhile. Without even asking he just made my drink, no questions asked. Oddly it gave me great joy that the barista knew enough about me to make me really happy for a moment.

Life's little joys are what keep us going.

One month from today is Christmas.....how much joy can you give in one month?

Surprises!

I love surprises.....I love unexpected moments.....I love mystery.....I love it.

Today, I was formulating my thoughts about what I wanted to babble about today and suddenly this appeared in my inbox but the sender was blocked. I have no idea who sent it but I love it and I thought this is my blog today! Enjoy!


Be loyal to your friends.

Be strong enough to face the world each day.

Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.

Be generous to those who need your help.

Be frugal with that you need yourself.

Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.

Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

Be willing to share your joys.

Be willing to share the sorrows of others.

Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.

Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.

Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.

Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.

Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.

Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.

Be loving to those who love you..

Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.

Above all,

Be yourself.

Hearing what we want to hear

Sometimes we only hear what we want to hear. I talk to people all day and I have to be honest I'm sure I have some kind of ME filter on most times...how does this pertain to ME? I can give most people the surface level connection but I just don't let it go deeper than that. In my jobs I have lots of people contact all day and it can be draining.....I give people credit who choose to do that type of a job all day long, on purpose and remain sane.

Working at the ET is really causing me to practice and hone my listening skills. It's always been my weak point but I'm feeling like the Universe put the ET in my path to make me use and better my listening and hearing skills. Listening and hearing are similar but different. Residents stop in the office all the time and share little blurbs of info with me and me with them but most days I have to say I don't really let it sink in very much. Over the last few days I've had a few residents stop in and share large parts of their life history with me and it amazes me....it blows my mind to know things about these people on a deeper level. I have to say it kinda makes me see them....like really see them. I guess I didn't realize I wasn't doing that.

Who doesn't want to only hear what they want? It's funny when we stop being so self focused how much our world opens up. Wild.

We wear our past like a badge on our sleeve. Some people hide them, some proudly display them for all to see. At some point we become these open books that need to share our life pages. All people need is someone to listen, to hear them.....it's amazing what you hear when you listen.

Does listening to other peoples life stories change your own life story?

Snow covered thoughts

I love my apartment. I love the floor to ceiling windows that overlook the world. Even though I'm only on the 4th floor I love the view when I sit at my table facing the world, especially when it's snowed. The world outside seems calm, beautiful and the rising smoke from the buildings gives me an odd sense of peace. I especially love it when it's snowing those big fluffy white flakes...I feel like I live in a snow globe.

Wouldn't that be kinda cool to live in a snow globe? Wait would it? Wouldn't you be at the mercy of whomever got to shake up your world when they felt like it? Hmm, wait I take that back. I like my world the way it is....even though I'm not really in control at least I don't have to worry about an unexpected shake up....wait.....

I feel like this week has had a lot of life lessons for me. Things I've really known but have sort of ignored....maybe it just was a good week of learning. I've decided to embrace my own life and I've decided that Christmas will come to my home this year! Having made those two decisions seems to have shifted something inside of me and is allowing me to......dare I say it....be happy again. :) I guess if we just accept what IS and stop trying to fight it things snap into place.

I have few regrets in my life....but some days I regret now having my own kids. I know I am super lucky to have a LOT of kids in my life, but not all the time. Which isn't all that bad but I got to have my 6 year old nephew overnight on Thursday and all day Friday and I forget how much work they are but how rewarding they are as well. I love that out of the blue he'll do something that makes my heart melt and then 5 minutes later he's a demon child. I imagine that if I did have a child full time I'd give up and let my hair go completely grey because I am guessing that in about 2 weeks I'd be fighting a losing battle. :)

Kids are really little buckets of joy to have around...probably more so because I don't have them all the time. I love that he loves to just sit at the bookstore and read books with no other agenda in mind...just sitting there reading book after book until he decides he is done. Just fun, free joy. I know in probably another year he won't want to spend this time with me so I'm grabbing it while I can. I love that when we are shopping he tells me he NEEDS something obsure like a floam snowman making kit. But Auntie, I need it. Gives me joy. One of my favorite things is I told him we look with our eyes not our hands and I made this funny sound and said you have make that sound when you look at something and like a litte mocking bird he does it. HA! Plus it's fun to have someone to go do the simple things with like grocery shop, go to Target with an even have lunch with. I introduced him to the concept of "brunch" because I kinda forgot to feed him breakfast....oops. I guess if you had one all the time that would become part of the care and feeding of those little creatures. :)

I also have a greater appreciation for the people in my life this week. People who the Universe has decided for some reason or the other to put in my life path. I have some new friends I am really enjoying getting to know more about and it's refreshing to hang out with people who have no expectations about who I am and just accept me as is.....the little joys in life. Plus it's so enjoyable when someone does something for you just because...like bring you a hot coffee at 7:30am when you have to work on a Saturday! :)

See...when you stop fighting what the Universe brings to you.

Constantly Amazed

I don't know why after this much time I am amazed by what the Universe gives me. I am a firm believer in you get what you give but sometimes I admit, I waver on that belief. I have been feeling lost, unfocused, alone, scattered and a bunch of other things lately but after yesterday and this morning, I am switching gears. I hear you Universe!

I am lucky. I know this. I have lots of people in my life that love me and care for me and I know this but sometimes it just isn't enough. A person, well I guess I mean ME, come to expect certain things from other people and when it doesn't happen like I want it to or think it should, it leaves a hole that I can't seem to fill. That is my own doing, my own choice, I chose to let this person fill some void that they can't possibly be expected to fill. It's not fair and it's most certainly not their role so why do I keep doing that? I guess it's a habit now. I always think if I did this I'd be really happy or if I just get this I'll be really content or if this person would just talk to me my life would be perfect...but you know that's not really how it works. I know that, I'm not stupid but I get so caught up in all the things I don't have or the places I don't get to see or the people I don't get to be with that I forget about all the things I do have. Right here in front of me staring me right in the face.

I'm lucky. I know this but I really forgot this. The Universe sometimes has to kick you really hard and repeatedly to get you to see things. Sometimes you realize these things by the kind deeds someone does just out of the blue. Like buying you a box of fudge bars because you accidentally left yours on TOP of the freezer instead of IN the freezer. Or someone sends you a text message with a nice word or thought. Or someone tells you they are glad you are here. Little things. I went to bed very early last night because I wasn't feeling well and I slept like a log until about 5:30am. I don't think I woke up once which is unusual for me. I think sometimes that helps your mind get in a better place too. So I woke up well rested and with surprisingly good bed hair! I had hope for this day even before it officially began!

Once I got dressed and to work I had two different people (before 7 am!) tell me how nice I looked today. One commented on my new shirt (um $3.96!! I love a clearance sale!) and another said to me "You always look so nice. You really accessorize well too". My instant reaction was "What? You can't be talking to me!?" Then I thought about it....I try hard to look decent. I didn't used to care about it but over the years I've tried to dress appropriately or nice or at least matching - cause anyone who knows me knows that didn't use to be my strong suit. So I thought, you know what...I am going to take that. I AM going to own that. I do try hard to look nice and to make sure I match and to be sort of trendy.....God knows I've made my mistakes but overall, I try. So yes, I am going to take that. Thank you.

I've had friends and family tell me I look nice before but I always think they HAVE to say that. Not really HAVE to but you know, it just feels different coming from someone who doesn't already love you....is that weird? Why do we value some outside person's view on our appearance more than our trusted loved ones? Is it just me or is that weird?

Then I get into my email and my note from the Universe today reads:

I wish there were words to tell you how beautiful life really is, how
safe you always are, and of the love that constantly bathes you.
How powerful you are, how much you can have, and of the glories that await. Of the perfection, the magic, and the infinite possibilities.
But you actually threatened me with bodily harm if I were to ever let you peek at where you were headed before you arrived.

You gangsta',
The
Universe

Wild. First off I love....love the fact that the Universe is calling me "gangsta". Made me feel uber cool and second - the Universe is so mysterious! Not only does it work in so many mysterious ways, it clearly has to kick you (me) in the ass a few times to get you (me) to hear it but today, I hear it. Loud and clear. Woo hoo!

Memories

What would you do without memories? Would you choose to not be able to remember? What if you could choose to not remember the bad things? Some of us do that selectively anyway but what if?

What if you didn't remember you had a sucky childhood, or that you got your heart broke the first time you gave it away? What about all the bad choices you've made, what if you could just forget them. If you could would that mean you would then forget all the good things to? Would you forget that your grandparents loved you unconditionally? Would you forget what it felt like to love and to be loved in return? What it felt like when you left home for the first time? Can we choose our memories?

I have this one very distinct memory of my father that is probably the one real time I can remember feeling safe, protected even loved by him. Not that he ever endangered us or anything but he was kind of this non present person in my life most of the time. I was in grade school, 3rd or 4th grade and we lived in Chicago. A fireworks factory blew up and caused great distress because people didn't know what was happening and they all assumed we were being bombed. Chicago doesn't seem like a hot spot for bombings but whatever. Anyway, I remember sitting in the basement of the school huddled with my sister waiting for something to happen. I remember looking up and seeing my dad standing there frantically looking around for us and I remember the HUGE releif I felt as we ran into his arms. I never felt more safe or loved. It's funny....I wonder if my dad or even my sister remembers that in the same way I do?

What would your life look like if you didn't tell yourself things were difficult or that you couldn't do that? Where would you be? What if you couldn't have a negative thought about yourself? You life would look very very different. You begin to live in a whole different color.

What color is fear, hate or even failure?

Ho Ho Ho this year has to go

It's been an interesting year. They always are. Started out the year with hope for a lot of great things planned for myself and as usual, life got in the way. It hasn't really been a bad year, but I am really ready for it to be done. Bring on 2009.

I find I really struggle when too many things go awry at once in my life. I can handle change, I can handle dissappointment - fine, whatever...bring it on but when all aspects of my life at once are experiencing downward turns it gets a little overwhelming and I tend to want to burrow in and hide from the world. I need to be away from all outside forces and let the dust settle until things calm down again...it's not the right thing to do I'm sure but that's what I need to do. At least that's what I've really discovered about myself. People who know me well know how much I like to do things, I hate being alone - maybe hate isn't the right word, I don't enjoy it. I usually have stuff going on all the time but lately I've found that if I hide away from the world I am able to think and sort things out. It's hard to get others to understand that I need to do this. It's not personal, it's just what I need to do.

It's too bad this is all happening at this time of the year, it's usually my favorite time of the year. October through December is usually my peak time. This year however, it's really taken me by surprise how unmotivated I am to participate in the holidays. Ugh. I need these next few weeks to be done so I can move onto the new year with a fresh plate and hopefully a fresh perspective.

This too shall pass, it always does.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream

I've really been active on the dream front lately. One would say it's because I keep such a busy life that I don't allow my own thoughts to penetrate my psyche so it has to wait until I am asleep to sink in and make me think...I say there is just too much going on around me to process it all until I sink into sleep.

Anyway, dreams are your body's way of catching you up on what you are blocking or missing on a daily basis. Last night I dreamed I was at a garage sale in this huge tent and the only thing for sale were pictures. All kinds....framed, snapshots, moving pictures (like in the Harry Potter movies) and I was looking at all the pictures but a few of my friends were standing back at the table you pay at and talking about which pictures I was going to like....almost like they were betting on it. It's weird because it was a mix of my friends, friends from my life, school, work and from ET - weird mix.

Then my friend Val came up to me and said don't you want this picture? It was a 3-d picture and I said I needed to see it hanging up on a wall to decide. Then my friend Eric came up and opened a door in the tent wall and we were in his house and hung the picture up and we stood and looked at it. He decided that he liked it and wouldn't give it to me. I was arguing with him and he just kept laughing at me saying no...it was his now. I was getting so angry because of course now I WANTED the picture. Then another person came and told me I had to leave. It was so bizarre!!! Hmm....were we really arguing over a picture? Wonder what it really means.

I looked up a sale and here it what it says: Dreaming of a yard or garage sale indicates your inner ability to recycle skills on a continuous basis towards new challenges in your life.Remember all humans have an incredible ability to adapt to new environments and you are no different.

Interesting. Is it telling me that no matter what I am going to be OK? That no matter what happens with work or my life that I will continue to thrive and adjust and continue? Very thought provoking. We have the ability to adapt to our new environments but that doesn't mean we thrive in them. How do we adjust and thrive in a constantly changing environment?

Who are you today?

Isn't is kind of amazing that we can choose who we want to be each and every day. I remember when I did stand up comedy, the one thing I really liked about it was I got to choose who I was going to be on stage each time. I could be who ever I wanted, it was fun and it was a great outlet.

One of my favorite quotes is who are you when no one else is around.....I also like the quote that says I want to be the type of person my dog thinks I am. Who are we really?

Many people say they work for a paycheck, but when you dig a little deeper, you'll often hear more personal reasons for waking up and heading to work. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my purpose. What is my personal motivation and what do I really need and want from my job?

Just as organizations use mission statements to guide their actions, we personally should have a personal purpose statement. What "fuels" us? I was talking to a new friend, he's 25 and was talking about his life path.....it got me to thinking. I thought about things I haven't thought about in a long long time. Like what did I think I was going to be when I grew up? What did I want out of life? If I die tomorrow what do I want to be remembered for? What is my legacy?


"To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end in life."

Everybody has a story

I worked at the ET today and as usual, I learned a life lesson today. Every body has a story. There is this woman here who is what I would call a crumudgeon....a cranky woman. She is not very friendly and sort of barks at people. If she calls down to the office for something she asks the question and once she hears the answer she just hangs up....no thank you, no good bye, just hangs up. Others say she just has a rough exterior but i had yet to see it.

Today she had a christmas tree (a mini 2ft plant) delivered and I helped her bring it up to her apt. She was very nice and chatty with me. Then she came down to get her mail and chatted with me and the mail man for about 20 minutes. What an interesting life she has....well what an interesting story she has. She is easily in her 60's, doesn't drive, works in a law firm 2 blocks from the ET and doesn't take crap from anyone.

It's funny when we listen to the stories others have...every life is a story. I forget that others have more to them then the short interactions or moments I have with them. I have to remember that no one is on their journey alone.

Complicated - who me?

My boss and I were chatting this morning and sort of sharing our life's woe's.....he about his kids sports involvement which in turn means a huge financial output as well as time and me of my latest school "issue". I fear I may NEVER graduate!!! Anyway, my boss said to me...."you are one complicated person". I laughed but then I started thinking about it....am I really a complicated person?

Maybe sometimes I can be "high maintenance" and maybe even a bit of a diva but overall I think I'm worth the work....but complicated - I don't see it. He then said "you must have lots of internal conversations". Actually I sort of have them out loud, at my desk, all day long. I don't know that there is much about me that is quiet...or internal. I guess it's not all bad.....it just always surprises me when people call me out on my oddities.....I always think that no one knows the trouble I've seen. My comment back to him was "hey....it's not easy being me". We both laughed, it's true its NOT!

Today's quote may be one I used before but it fits:

Let the world know you as you are
not as you think you should be
because sooner or later, if you are posing
you will forget the pose.

Live out loud.

Chicken Noodle Soup

Remember when you were a kid and didn't feel good your mom would make you chicken noodle soup and all your cares would melt away as you sipped that chickeny goodness? I'd like a big old pot right about now.

I discovered Hayhouse Radio on line today and there are lots of audio programs you can listen to and I'm digging this one from Dr. Wayne Dyer....change your thoughts, change your life. He's going on an on about how our thoughts cause us to act upon what we think about. If we think we are unhappy, we are going to stay unhappy. He challenges us to think about our thoughts. This isn't news...but it's kind of nice to put on headphones and tune out all the office chatter that happens. I am really enjoying tuning into my own self during the work day.

He is talking about habits....and not just our caffeine habits or not exercising habits but our thinking habits. That things we think are difficult end up being difficult because we tell ourselves that. I can relate to that. I had immense panic during my 2 math classes. I remember telling myself...it's not going to be that bad....you can do this. It took a lot of work and time and work to get through those classes...but I did it...I got B's in both classes. I challenged myself and I was able to do it but honestly, it was exhausting! I was so physically and mentally exhausted by the end of those 12 weeks that I don't know how people can do that all the time. Maybe it gets easier the more you push yourself to do that. I don't know if I can keep on doing that.

One thing he talked about for a long time is some book called The Dao (spelling?) he talks about how powerful that book is. He believes that books have energy. They can strengthen or weaken you just by having them. He believes that just by carrying this book The Dao around, you can absorb the energy it has. I kinda get that. I think that's what my friend Troy gets from books.... energy. He's the one friend I have that seems to devour books...he must get some sort of energy from not only reading them but from owning them. Books have energy.

One other thing he talked about is how owning things bogged down his life. He talks about how he left his whole old life behind...he left his home, his family, his life and he just sort of walked away and started over. I often think of doing that but I don't think the average joe can do that...I think if I had money I could....I could walk away from everything if I could afford to...is that just a negative thought or is that reality? Thoughts become things...choose the good ones.

Bring on the chicken noodle soup.

Steering

Life is like a car.....(sounds Forest Gump like doesn't it) - it's all about how you are steering. Sometimes you have both hands planted firmly on the wheel and you are barrelling down life's highway and sometimes, you are in the passenger seat staring out the window watching the world go by. You have to grab hold of that wheel and steer.

Do we really get to be the drivers of our own life or does fate, circumstances, the economy, life become the driver and we simply sit back and try to enjoy the ride?

Today's message from the Universe reads:

Always when you just don't know what you want, want happiness, and when you just don't know what to do, do anything. You can start today -
The Universe

Man, that Universe is one smart dude huh. Just want happiness....sounds so easy. My friend says I have to quit fighting it...to give into the life I have....is that true? Will that make me happy? It's not like my life is bad, that's not it...it's just missing something....like I keep hitting all these potholes (notice the car/road reference all through this...nice huh!) in my road of life and I got some axel damage I can't seem to fix. I want to be driving on my road but apparently I do need a GPS for my life. That's a good title for a book...GPS for Life.

Do anything. Hmm, something to think about. I had a thought today as I drove into work, I remember this summer when I was at my friends cabin and I found that "thinking place" out on the water. I remember how the quiet and the stillness allowed me to actually think....I need a retreat place...a place to go to that is away from the world, my world and just be. Now I guess I'd like a fireplace and big windows to watch the snow fall.....doesn't that sound delightful!

I love Facebook, it's a fun way to connect with lots of people with little commitment. Little snippets of people's life in minutes. I love it...I wish more people used it. I connected with an old co-worker from a previous company recently who I haven't seen or talked to in about 3 1/2 years. All of a sudden she is married (she wasn't even seeing anyone when I knew her), bought a house and just had a baby. All in a short period of time. How does that happen? How does one life move so fast in some direction and others seem to be in the same place they were 3 1/2 years ago....just with better shoes?

Who is steering my car?

A fine line

Fate or Coincidence? Which came first? Do things happen because of fate or coincidence?

Fate is synonymous with destiny. It is more often used in reference to topics based more on spirituality and religion. Coincidence offers a non-religious, explanation that is readily accepted by those that oppose any form of God's hand in decisions. Its premise is found on the law of chance. Those that believe in coincidence usually believe in luck. I believe in luck. I also believe in destiny. Does one get to triumph the other?

I've been told before that I am lucky. I don't feel lucky...I don't even really get that someone can be lucky but I guess I've had my fair share of good things happen but is that luck? I sometimes think of my life in terms of what I've done before...that my results are direct reactions to something I've done in my past...karma coming to bite me in the ass or to reward me as the situation dictates. Can one choose to be lucky?

I sometimes feel like my life is destined to be a certain way and then something happens that changes that for me...some event or situation and all of a sudden there is a different outcome that I never saw coming....life is funny.

I've been super sleepy during the daytime and wide awake at night lately. Like yesterday, I could have closed my eyes at about 2 o'clock and been sound asleep in two minutes - at work, in a meeting while presenting....seriously....so tired. Then I got home, ran errands (actually did some Christmas shopping!!) came home, avoided homework until about 9:30 then was up until about 11pm (my usual bed time) and then I laid in bed for probably an hour....wide awake. What the heck? Now today, I was all perky and wide awake but about 15 minutes ago I hit the wall.....I am freezing and sleepy....what is happening? Getting old sucks.

Is it my destiny to be this person? Am I on a path that can't be changed? Do I get a choice in how the rest of my life turns out our is it predetermined already? What if these are the good years. Man....I need to find a palm reader!!

The simple life

My nephew turned 6 this weekend. He's the youngest of my neices and nephews and still wants to and enjoys spending time with me. The others are too big and are trying to have their own lives and I am so far down on their list that I really only get to seem them during holidays. But not T....he loves his auntie and still likes to hang with me...he even hugged and kissed me in public....at the Mall of America...in front of God and everyone. Makes me happy. We went to the Rainforest Cafe, 0ne of his favorite places even though he hates it when it thunders and the monkeys come out, played minature golf and then closed down the day in the theme park area.

Do you remember the days when getting that one present made your life perfect? For T it was getting his creepy crawlers.....he wanted that so bad and so my sister and I played the perfect aunties and got it for him. His face lit up when he opened it and he came up to me later and said that was his favorite present...I almost cried. How magical that moment is when you open up something your heart desires more than life itself. For me....I really only remember it happening one time....when I was 13 I got my candle making kit that I was DYING for. I remember wanting it sooooo badly, I begged my mom for it...I was too old to beleive in Santa anymore but I secretly prayed to him to bring it to me and every present I opened Christmas morning I prayed was the kit. FINALLY....the last present, I had all but given up hope and then angels sang! Man I wanted that kit...I was so excited to get it and I imagined all the amazing candles I would make. Well like most of life's experiences, it was a huge dissappointment. It was really hard and I needed adult help and let me tell you...sitting with me to make candles was so far down on my parents list of things to do that I don't think I ever made one single candle.

Wouldn't life be great if it were like that moment...that moment of getting what you really really wanted. If we could bottle that exact moment and use it when we needed it that would be amazing. Though if we did that I suppose those actual moments wouldn't be as amazing then.....the glass is always half full...or empty.....or something.

I want a creepy crawlers moment. Is it possible to have those moments as an adult? Do we become so jaded by life that we forget to enjoy the little moments? I sure hope not.

Boring or Routine?

I realized last night after a long bath that I fear becoming boring. As I soaked in the tub I thought about a lot of things…who I am, who I think I am and who I want others to think I am and I realized I’m this close to becoming boring, average, dull – routine.

Boring = a dull, tiresome, or uncongenial person (very unfavorable to life or growth). Boring, dreary, dry, dull, humdrum, irksome, monotonous, stuffy, tedious, tiresome, uninteresting, wearisome, weary.

Routine = a customary or regular course or procedure. Commonplace tasks, chores or duties. Regular, unvarying, habitual, unimaginative or rote procedure. Chronic, habitual, everyday, familiar, frequent, regular, average, common, repetitive,
widespread, rut.

I thought about my life in terms of a week. I do homework on Monday’s, have school on Tuesday's, work on Wednesday's, have some sort of IAAP on Thursday's and try like heck to find something to do on Friday's and then the weekend. I’m boring…or am I in a routine? I don’t know that there is much of a difference. If you are boring can you change that?

When my nephew was little when he was bored he used to say “Auntie I’m boring” I’d laugh and tell him “don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it”. What if you’ve grown into that? Can a person out grow boring?

I've always hated being average, status quo, a "C" student but on the other hand I want to be considered the "same as everyone else". Can a person have both? Should they? I try hard to be my own person, sometimes to the point of being stubborn or yes I'll say it....pig headed. It's hard to figure out who you are and what you want.

I've said it before, you can't look for external validation to make you feel anything but we do...well at least I do. If my job doesn't define me and my life doesn't define me....what defines me?

Do we all become so accustomed to routine in our lives that we become creatures of habit so easily?

The note from the Universe to day is:

Of course not everyone understands you,
It takes crazy to know crazy.
It takes sexy to know sexy.
And most assuredly, it takes cool to know cool.
Yeah, un-hun, alright -
The Universe

Wow....I am sexy, crazy AND cool. What more can a girl ask for?