Constant chatter

I forget that we live in a world that is in constant communication. I met a friend for lunch the other day and as I walked through the sky ways lost in my own thoughts, I suddenly realized people don't really know how to be quiet anymore. We have become so dependant on being in constant communication with people that we forget how to be silent.

Is this why I can't get my mind to stop racing? Is this why I wake up fully at 2:30 am with my head spinning searching for answers to things? We text, talk on the phone or face to face all day long. How can we exist otherwise? As I walked the few blocks through the sky way in silence, well silence for me because I left my phone on my desk and I was alone, but as I wandered I was uber aware of all the people walking and talking on their phones or wearing those stupid ear buds that make you think they are talking to you or looking down texting. No one I passed was silent.

Do we become so accustomed to being constantly connected that we don't know how NOT to be? This made me think of last summer when I was up at my friends cabin on the outskirts of the Boundary Waters and we had NO phone signal, there aren't any towers until you get into town. On one hand it was blissful but on the other hand, I really felt isolated and out of touch. I was able to get some good thinking done but it also sort of stressed me out that I couldn't text, get text messages or phone calls. Although truth be told, I'm a huge texter vs. phone person.

How important is it to be constantly connected to another person? Do we need to always have that other person around us to validate us, give us purpose, make us feel included or do we use them to escape the reality that is our own lives? Seems like the monks might have something when they take to their own worlds and remain silent. I wonder how long I could actually be silent. And if you are silent long enough, does the internal chatter turn up or go away?

Is conversation over rated? I have a friend that says he has nothing to say to anybody. Is that really true? Can that be true....can we actually have nothing more to say to anyone? Sometimes its nice to just sit with someone, just sit with nothing to say....just be. I wonder why we don't do that more?

Can a person live without any interaction from others? Would we want to? Don't we feed off of people? Use them to help us get thorough our days? Ever have those days where you don't leave your house and have had no interaction with another human....it's almost like you can't function once you become part of society again. I can't imagine what a few days of that would do to me.

I can't speak for anyone else but I need to have that connection to others. I need interaction, I need conversation and I need my texting!

Perky people

Really perky people annoy me. I'm just going to say it. Morning people, super happy like they've popped some kind of pill people annoy me. I think I used to probably be one of those kinds of people but as I've aged, I find those kind of people really get under my skin.

I prefer to wake up and lay with my thoughts for a bit. To process my day, my thoughts, my week....whatever. I can't just get up and be like HI - isn't it a great day! Let's engage...ugh. Shut the hell up is what I say. At least until I've had a cup of coffee.

I realize the schedule I am on has me crossing paths with this gaggle of women who are like nails on a chalkboard every single morning and I didn't realize it until today really because they weren't actually there filling up my head with all their chatter and jibberish. I walked into the cafeteria to get my java and it was blissfully silent. I almost wondered if it was a Saturday. Ahh. I looked around wondering if possibly I had gone deaf and didn't realize it but no...they were no where to be found. Possibly they all took the day off! I was able to get my coffee in blissful, wonderful silence. Life is good.

But as luck would have it some Mary Poppins was waiting at the elevator bank and was all super chatty and over the top perky. "Aren't Fridays just the BEST days ever" she chirped at me. I sort of stared blankly at her and in my head was saying to the Universe....WTF!? Then as luck would have it the elevator wait was longer than normal so she kept chattering at me...I couldn't even focus on what it was she was saying to me. I just sipped my coffee and tried to block her but she was so....buoyant and perky that all I wanted to do was slowly put my hand over her mouth and shush her...I didn't but that's what I wanted to do.

When did I turn into a morning curmudgeon? When did I begin to hate morning people so vehemently? My eyes can't seem to focus this morning either...so maybe it's just a today kind of feeling but jesh.....people.....shut up.

Clearly I need a vacation, a break from my life, from reality, from all that is going on through my head every single day. Is it really enough to get away from our own reality for a few days to be able to build up that wall that allows us to take in all the daily crap we don't like or don't want?

Why can't I make a pot of coffee at home? That would make my life so much easier!

Doubt

What is doubt and why do we have it? Doubt is really just our fear acting out. It's our inability to see events or actions as anything else but totally negative.

Why is that so easy to get to? Why do we easily doubt ourselves first? Why do we automatically go to the dark side, the negative? They won't like me, I am not good enough, I can't do that, the world is against me, I am not pretty enough, or smart enough. The world is full of threats, real threats, why do we add all these self imposed doubts?

I often doubt what people say to me. I don't mean to, I don't try to, it's just my first instinct. I automatically think they are just being nice to me and don't mean it. I know it's my own issue but I guess I get scared to get sucked into believing what they say is the truth only to find out they don't really mean what they say. Living in fear....not good.

Actions speak louder than words - like when someones says "you look good today" but they make a face like they are repulsed by you (that didn't happen to me but you get the idea...well it kind has, but not recently) it's hard to trust, to not doubt what people say. Someone said to me yesterday "you really give people the benefit of the doubt" I was really surprised by that. I didn't realize that was something others could even see.

Yesterday I must have been having a really good hair/clothes day because several people commented on how nice I looked and I was so surprised and yes, I totally doubted what they were saying. I mean I try, I try hard to look my best and I know I don't always succeed but I'm always surprised when I actually do...and people comment on it. Why is it we set out to do something, to accomplish a task and when we do, we easily doubt.

I realize I have a lot of doubt. I have doubt in my own abilities and often in the abilities of others. I doubt the loyalty of others, their sincerity, their love, their fidelity...everything - not all the time but it's there. I realize that doubt is really more about the "not knowing" and if I can just learn to embrace doubt as a natural state of being, it won't cause me so much anxiety. "Not knowing" can be a great adventure, it can mean you are open to all possibilities and in turn be willing to be in the moment. It means you can accept the humble state of being human and realize that things are not black and white (what? I can't even believe I said that!) and that the color of "doubt" is all the gray in between. What color are emotions?

I guess if I truly embrace doubt, it means I have to be willing to be wrong and to accept my own shortcomings thus meaning I have to accept them as parts of who I am and not parts that are missing or incomplete.

I guess overall doubt is kind of a cool thing. The day I stop doubting, is the day I stop breathing. I'm in no hurry to get there, at all.

Words, feelings and joy

It's funny how powerful the spoken word is. I've come to realize that more and more each day. Kind of like when people say your name....it gives you validation and a sense of belonging. I've said it before but if I had to choose to lose a sense, it couldn't be my ability to talk or to hear.

People don't realize the power of a kind word or of flattery. It can totally take a terrible day or feeling and melt it away like magic. I think that's what attracts me to certain people...I seek them out, I need them, I have to see them....because they are uber kind to me and they say things to me things I need to hear. They have the ability to make me feel really good about myself with just a kind word. Are we that easy that words make us so happy? Am I really that easy?

It's surprising to me when strangers say kind things to me or do a kind deed...like this morning. I was far enough away from the door that it wouldn't have been awkward for this man to go in without holding it open for me, you know, the kind thing to do, but he stood there and waited. He waited for me. It was so sweet. Then this man in the cafeteria said to me "Wow you look nice today" and I don't even know him, I mean I've seen him around but we have no connection other than we were both waiting to get coffee. It's 6:45am, I'm barely awake, struggling to get coffee and all of a sudden I felt like I could have climbed a mountain. Words have so much power. I know sometimes it can go the opposite way....believe me I've been on that side of it many many times but when people say nice things to you it just changes your whole day, your whole outlook. It makes you want to stand taller....maybe it's just me. I like it. I want to see that man every day now....of course that puts a lot of extra pressure on me to try to look good but I might be willing to give it a shot. I think it might be my kicky new red coat or my new lipstick that makes me feel sassy but it sure is nice to have people think you look nice. It's the little things that really bring me great joy.

Joy

There is this quote that goes: Joy is not in things, it is in us. I love that quote but if you really think about it...I'm not sure it's true, well not exactly for me anyway. I love things...stuff, material possessions. They bring me great joy. Is it in me or is it something that I bring to it?

I did some retail therapy this last weekend and I have to say....having money to buy what you want when you want it is really nice. I know it won't last, I know it's temporary but I enjoy having this little flurry of money that has allowed me to elevate my happiness level up one notch.

Everyday the news is more and more grim, people are unhappy, jobs are lost, families lose a loved one and the best we can do as people is make the most of the time we have with people here and now. The time to be happy is now. I think maybe that is inside all of us but we might just be afraid to let it out, to accept the reality that we can choose to be happy even in these tough times. Is being happy or content really that easy? Do we get to choose it like we choose a meal off a menu? Maybe McDonald's is onto something with their "happy meals".

I'm really in count down mode now for school to be done. I didn't really realize it until this GOD AWFUL class is one away from being done last night and I literally have 2 classes left.....4 months..... it's crazy! It went by really fast but yet it's completely consumed my life - but I don't think it's really all that bad. I've learned alot, dare I say it, I've grown mentally....or is it I just drank the kool-aide and I think that? I am counting down the days but I think the truth is....I might just miss being in school...miss the people, the routine....not the work though. God I won't miss that.

So there we have it....a kind word, a door held, school is coming to an end and the power a hand on the small of my back as I am riding the escalator makes me feel....simple gestures that make me feel important, feel valued, feel like I do matter - even if it's just for a few minutes.

My note from the Universe today....I am the spark!

In both relationships and life trust begets trust.
Generosity begets generosity.
Love begets love.

Be the spark, especially when it's dark.
Hubba, hubba -

The Universe

Soul mate?

Is everyone suppose to have a soul mate? What exactly is a soul mate? I had to look up the definition - it says: it's a noun - a person with whom one has a strong affinity. Does that mean you have to be in love with or live with or be connected at the hip with a soul mate? Can a person have more than one? If you find a person or people that you have a strong connection with, is that enough?

I had dinner with an old friend last night. I forget how comforting it can be to not have to explain anything about yourself...that they just know the core you...the you that is real and is always there and you have history with them. You have background and it's just plain old comfortable. I like that.....it's easy...it's easy to relax and just let me be me and I know no matter what, we will still be friends...no judging, no rules, no anything but a nice easy night.

It got me thinking though about how I've been trying to "start over" all the time. Out with the old and in with the new. Are new beginnings really necessary? Sometimes the only thing you can do is trash everything and start over. I've done that in cooking, craft making and multiple work projects. Sometimes things just can't be fixed. Is that true for people? Do you sometime just have to trash them and start again?

How do you get others who have know you to forget the old and embrace the new? It's easy to say I won't do that anymore but you know you have done it, the people who know you know you've done it and yet how do you suddenly just stop the old and begin the new? It's like a new years resolution (or a NEW new years) and you just do it. For me it is a year of no rules. I say balls to the walls let's go for it and here we are, barely a month into my new year (remember I had the month delay) and I am already feeling myself slipping into my old ways. I don't like it Sam I am...I do not like green eggs and ham.

My therapist used this quote on me...which kind of make me mad at first but then I thought about it and I guess I'm OK with it....You are always one decision away from a new beginning. I was mad because I was like seriously....what does that really mean? Yes I realize I could easily make a different choice but it's not going to make things better or right or whatever...but then I thought about it...and I thought about it and realized, okay, I think I get it. I make one decision and I keep moving...then I make another and keep moving and soon I'm on a new path, headed in a new direction and I keep moving. I just wish I could get my head to stop thinking about the whole "what if" stuff all the time. It's frustrating to me that I can't seem to get my head on board with the rest of me. I feel one thing but I keep processing and thinking in another direction. One small change can sometimes make bigger things happen. It's like when you cook and you run out of one spice so you substitute something else and it changes the entire dish.

If you find that one person to connect with, your "soul mate" do things get easier?

Who we are

It's funny, some days I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I hate who I am, I hate what I look like, I hate everything about what it is that makes me....me. Then there are days....rare, odd days like today, when I look in the mirror and I'm like....wow...look at me! I look good! I feel good, the wrapping on this old body is pretty good and by golly, who wouldn't want this? Who wouldn't want to hang with this? I look like I am somebody, I look like I mean business and it's rare but I think when you feel that way, people start to take you at face value. I gotta say, it makes me act differently and have kind of a big girl attitude even when I went to get my coffee I felt like Um excuse me....out of my way....do you know who I am?! I walk with a purpose, I stand taller and I feel sassier. Wow...who would have thought a new pair of pants and shirt could do that to a girl??

What is it that makes us feel so different about ourselves each day? Usually when I look in the mirror I often put some sort of filter over it and I force myself to like what I see. But I feel like I don't often like what I see and it's wearing to keep pushing yourself to that level. Honestly it's like most days that mirror is covered in Vaseline and I feel blurry and unfocused and I don't even understand what that really means.....some days I can wipe that away and push through to a less muddled me but not often enough. Today though, today the mirror is clean, shiny, bright and.....I don't know...it's just different. Maybe because I had a fun Saturday night with some people I don't get to see very often or it's because I actually got some really good sleep last night for the first time in a really long time. I don't remember waking up at all during the night. Hard to say but I have to say, I sure like waking up feeling like this. Wish it were more often.

As I rode the elevator to my floor this morning I looked at myself in the mirrored elevator doors and I looked and felt like someone who means business today. I mean I look like someone who is going to get things done. Let's see if my day holds up to what the reflection seemed to be saying to me.

I have some new job duties that while they are fun, they are also challenging me, pushing me outside my comfort and knowledge zone. I'm expected to rise to the challenge and that really scares me. I'm often like an ostrich...I poke my head up and see what's happening but when it gets hard or challenging, I just want to bury my head in the sand where it's safe. Safe...that's how I've been living my life...in my own little protected bubble. I said it was the year of no rules and I had a good start but I think I'm starting to bury my head...I want to continue forward in my quest but I can sense the trepidation and the fear starting to creep in and I feel myself pulling back into my own little bubble. Dang it if we aren't complicated individuals!

I need to keep pushing myself. I need to get out, to explore, to do more....well to do more things I've not done before. If you keep doing the same old thing, you will only get the same old thing so if I expect it to change, I have to be the change. Oh God, now I sound like a greeting card. Are we really that complicated? Are we really so unsure of ourselves all the time or is it just me?

I had some time this weekend to work on finishing unpacking my house, to getting things really settled and I'm getting there but it's not quite there yet. I did some shopping, which always makes me feel happy and slowly it's coming together. I feel like there are little things I need to do to feel at home, to feel settled. Maybe once I get the bedroom and bathroom painted I'll feel settled? Maybe. Do we keep putting those conditions on ourselves, on our happiness, on our contentment?

I love my new house, I like my new stuff and I think I'm comfortable there. Maybe I just need to break it in with a gathering. I feel like I have a space now that I want to have people over.

If you build it they will come...right?

My Posse

Okay, I just had a very fun conversation with some co-workers that gave me great joy!

I've been saying I need people, I need people to do all the mundane things for me but in talking to these people it's come to my attention that it's not PEOPLE I need...it's a POSSE!

The defintion of a posse:
1. A group of people summoned by a sheriff to aid in law enforcement.
2. A search party.
3. A gang involved in crimes such as running guns and illegal narcotics trafficking.
4. Slang A group of friends or associates.

I feel great joy at the thought of having my own posse....I see t-shirts, bumper stickers....maybe even an application!

Now I need a cool name for it!

Everything is going to be ok

I have these fairy cards, like animal cards, and in times of confusion or if I need clarity, I like to ask them questions and see what they have to say. Sometimes they tell me what I need to hear, sometimes they tell me what I don't like to hear and sometimes I have no idea what they mean or are saying to me. Today is one of those days.

I am feeling really connected to music lately, it's like some of the new music I am hearing is really coming from inside me, or my head. It's like my words but in a really cool way. Words are powerful. We use them to hurt, to heal, to express ourselves and yet they alone don't have the power we intend them to. Saying something doesn't make it true. Actions speak louder than words. When you spend your days working with people you begin to realize how people's actions mean more than their words. All day long I am helping people, I am at their beckon call. I run when they say run, I jump when they say jump and I think I am needing a little payback. I want some of that back. I feel stuck in the middle....going no where, wheels spinning but gaining no ground. I realize we have to keep moving and keep doing and keep on keeping on but I feel dizzy.

Back to my fairies....so I asked the cards a few questions....and oddly enough I keep pulling this one card....Everything's Okay. Don't worry. It's all working out in a beautiful way. Now I get this...I get that life is all ebb and flow but it feels a bit muddled lately and I'm not sure quite how to unmuddle things. Everyday I open my email and there are notes from friends....I've been laid off, I'm breaking up, I'm engaged, I'm having a baby......it feels like every one's life is in motion, is going some place, even if it's not necessarily a good place, but it seems like everyday mine is the same. I get up, I go to work, I go home or to work or to school or home. It's mundane, dull, boring....I fear I am turning into that person that will have 3 cats and watch 10 TV shows regularly!

Yesterday at the ET we had this tub repair guy come in and I was walking him to the apts that he needed to get into and one happened to be mine.....and as we talked the conversation went something like this:

Him: I won't be bothering your roommate will I?
Me: Nope, I live alone
Him: What about your cats?
Me: What? I don't have cats?
Him: Really...you live alone and you don't have cats?
Me: Why do you think I would have cats?
Him: Someone your age lives alone, I just assumed there would be cats.

What? Really? I sort of laughed at it but then I started thinking later about it and thought what does that mean? Do cats just seem to go with being single? With being alone?

The Universe says this to me today:

Whatever it is you want, however you want to have it, no matter why you want to have it you can have it faster if you can first be happy without it. Sneaky, clever, foxy, wry -
The Universe

So first I guess I need to be happy without things.....so I must accept the life I have, the role I play, the person I am before it can begin to change?

Everything is going to be OK.

Take it to the limit

Do limits change? Do we make adjustments for each incident and person....do you have the right to adjust your level of limits every day? Are limits bad?

Sometimes we need outside friends to help us see and define our own limits. I woke up this morning to that song Take It To The Limit One More Time and it made me start wondering about our own limits we put on ourselves.

We all have our limits...the points we give ourselves as to how far we can be pushed, tested, abused.....we lay out these limits and we put up with things. Once they get to this new level or place we stop, say no more or collapse into a muddled mess. What if all your limits are hit at the same time...what happens to you then?

Do we really have to wait until things get to the nth degree to change them? Or is it we can't really see what is happening until we get to that point? For instance, I am done with winter. Done, done, done. I seriously hit the wall like 3 weeks ago. I can't stand the heavy clothes, the long sleeves, the layers upon layers. I broke out some summer clothes...and yes people look at me funny and yes I've been chilly but I have had my limit of winter and the cold and the blah. Maybe that's why a trip to Phoenix in two weeks is giving me hope again....maybe.

Limits....I feel like I spend most of my time limiting myself...and it feels like the minute I decide to stop doing that, to stop limiting myself, to stop stopping, it feel more limiting that before.

How do you get to a point in your life where you just live without all the rules and the worry and the ....stuff?

I need a visit to my thinking spot.

Holding Grudges

It's so much easier when you are a kid to accept your flaws, your imperfections and to let whatever people say to you or about you just roll off your back...kinda like drool down your face, you don't even notice it and you just move on.

Sometimes it's really hard to let go of the things that hurt you. The things that are said or done to you in anger. Sometimes you think you have moved past it and you "let it go" but then something always seems to bring it to the forefront....again.

How do you really forget and forgive? Once those things are out there, those things are said or done to you how do you get past it? It's like letting go I suppose...which we all know how good I am at that! I remember this boy I had a terrible crush on when I was like 15 or 16. We were playing hide and seek (umm that was what we did in my days people) and we ended up hiding in the same place....a big giant garbage dumpster (don't judge) and his name was Andrew...or Andy......I liked calling him Andrew...anyway we were hanging out in there and he told me you know I'd really like to kiss you but you have a mustache. Seriously!

I'm not talking a handlebar mustache, I've got some greek in my family history so I'm not gonna lie, we girls possess a little more facial hair than is probably girly girl but hey...I didn't know about waxing back then...and it wasn't like SUPER noticeable...I guess it would be if you were that close to me but heck......get over yourself. That stays with me to this very day, I still hear that little voice in my head. You know what's funny, I saw him years later, like after high school and he was completely bald...and not in a hot, sexy kind of way. Ha. The Universe does have a sense of humor!

So last night in class while I was suppose to be focusing on the present value of money and the future value and (insert Charlie Brown's teacher talking here) and I started thinking about the things people say and do to each other and the long term effects. I know I've done things to others and I am truly sorry for some of them.....but I wonder....do we have to give them the power of time. Do those memories or moments get to stay with us and keep playing into our lives?

Interesting things to ponder. Today I open my email to get this from the Universe:

When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you and you can see the frightened child - it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge. And you so can.

The Universe

So it's the scared child in someone that makes them do the things they do? Aren't we all scared at some point? Aren't we all unsure? How does a person become a parent, be responsible for another living soul, and still act like an ass?

I don't get it.

Going somewhere?

There are always things I should be doing....homework, housework even painting but sometimes you have to ignore all the rules and just live outside the lines. I've been pushing myself to do this lately and I've been...what's the right word....nervous, unsure...scared? Something like that...but I've not wanted to do this "alone". I feel like I need someone to be on this "ride"with me. After a pretty significant sucky day yesterday, I decided I couldn't just sit home and so I was forced myself to venture out- alone....all on my own, something I used to do all the time but for some reason stopped. So off I went to experience a Monday night all on my own.

I reached out to my safe, trusted, people who accept me as I am....or the who I let them see as the real me and no one could come play....was this the Universes way of telling me to just get used to being with me? Don't know. So off I went. I ran a few errands but decided I just needed to be for a bit and went to one of my favorite spots...the bar at Via. :) At first it was kind of strange to sit alone but once I settled in it was kind of nice to be watching the cars race down France Ave and there were like 3 people in the bar. There were these two business men next to me who kept sort of looking at me...not like LOOKING at me but they would glance over occasionally and when one went to the men's room the other man came over and said....are you alone? I just smiled and said yep....he's said to me.....you never see people do that anymore. I said I know...I never do this. We both kind of laughed and he left. It's like the person who stands backwards in the elevator...it freaks people out. :) I like that I probably freaked them out! Maybe I'm just easily amused?

So clearly we need to be alone with who we are, where we are and to ponder what we really want. Martini Monday's sure help a girl to do that too. I don't know...but the more I thought the more I realized I like having people in my life that just "get" me, some one who knows who I am without me having to explain and fill in my whole background. I like having people know me, to know that sometimes you just need someone to listen to you rant and rave at the world and to tell me I'm not crazy....and to just take care of me...for a minute...an hour....a night. Why can't you order that from the Sears catalog?

Sometimes you think life is moving in one direction and so you jump on board, and you start moving and moving and then the Universe or some other force deicdes it's not to be and it guides you in a new or different direction and you start again. I guess your choice is jump on board and ride that train or .....or fight it until you are so exhausted you have no choice but to ride along.

The Universes message today -

Until the really "great" stuff comes along do the not-so-great stuff.The not-so-great stuff always leads to the great stuff. Whereas doing nothing pretty much leads to nowhere.

And do it with a passion - The Universe

Why does it always have to be so......what's the word I want? Don't know. I guess it is what it is.

The last to know

Sometimes we go through our own lives so fast we forget about so many things. We forget about people, places, events and all of a sudden we wake up somewhere in the middle and wonder where it all went. We are the last to know, sometimes about our own lives.

I laid down the gauntlet at the beginning of this year (or the NEW new year) that it's a year of no rules...new things...getting out of my comfort zone...and yesterday as I dozed the day away I realized I've been doing pretty good at putting that into action. I didn't even realize how much more I've been pushing myself (with a little help from some friends) until I was talking to a friend on the phone last night and he remarked on my new "attitude". Well not so much my attitude I guess, as much as I think I'm starting to do more things and feel better about who I am and where I am at that he noticed...I guess sometimes we are the last to know.

Never under estimate the power a person has...power over themselves and their own life. I used to feel like mostly it was out of my control, that I didn't really have the power to change things. I guess I really am a big girl now. I feel like challenging myself and pushing myself has helped me grow a lot so far...and it's only the middle of February. It's funny how once you open one little door how many others keep sort of squeaking open and all of a sudden you have lots more options, choices or paths to choose. It's a good thing.

Sometimes we just have to learn to love the beast that is us. My note from the Universe today says:

When you begin to find love in people, places or things you haven't found it before, it's always because you've grown.

You so rock,
The Universe

I was really lazy yesterday....I was house/pet sitting for a friend so I tried to be as productive as one can be when they are not in their own space but mostly I laid on the couch sleeping and watching bad Lifetime TV...it was a rather nice way to spend my Sunday but it does sort of put me way behind with this week already. It always feels like there isn't enough time to do things I want to to vs. doing the things I HAVE to do.

Just found out my on line class will start March 23rd. It's on cultural diversity which I think will be really interesting both professionally and personally, just worried about the amt of work that will be required. That will be going on the same time as my Marketing class and then I have only my capstone (big final class that involves work and school) left....June 23rd can not come soon enough! Already making plans for a week off in July to do NOTHING!

So here's to growth, and opening doors and just getting on with life. Yeah me!

Breathing Room

I woke up today with an odd sense of peace, calm and dare I say....happiness. I usually wake up way before my alarm even goes off, which is pretty early anyway, and I just lie there pondering the day, life and all the stuff on my list. Today I didn't wake up unusually early - crazy - and I feel refreshed, centered and ready to take on whatever the world has to offer me today. It's an oddly wonderful way to wake up, one I am clearly not used to at all.

I feel like I am able to breath for the first time in a really long time, like taking a big breath in and letting it all go.(There's that letting go thing again!) I feel like I can stop moving for two minutes and focus, it's a really nice feeling. What's changed? What's made this switch? Maybe it's because I got all my homework done already as well as my part of my final team project that's due in two weeks, maybe it's the few cocktails I had with some friends last night (love martini's!) and the late night Perkins run (thanks Leah!) or is it because for the first time in a long time I really slept? So much to consider, it could even be that I am starting to feel settled in my new space, like it's "home".

It's funny how this hasn't really felt like home to me yet, it feels like I am in someone else's space and I've had to be so careful and thoughtful about putting my stuff down. I've really never lived in a place that feels as grown up as this place does. It's full of possibilities too. Is it possible I've really turned a corner in my own life? It's odd when we let ourselves really experience things....stop putting up the walls and all the rules and the "should have's".

Why do we do that to ourselves? If we take care of the inside does it automatically take care of the outside? If we (finally) learn to center ourselves and connect with our core being does the path just unfold before us? I am going to spend the day doing a lot of things on my "to do" list like unpacking my office/den which may require a little shopping, it's all been in boxes in my closet and making me feel really unsettled. I may even get paint so I'm ready to finish my house and really begin living my life. I need to finish a project for my sister and then I think that's it.

How amazing...nothing looming out there - just some time to maybe play a little! Really looking forward to my weekend too....I'm taking a new class on making jewelry which I've wanted to take for years and it's at a place I love. The people there are so nice and fun and creative...it's fun to be around people like that. I've actually made Valentines day plans too...well at least dinner plans anyway, going to spend it with some friends and pretty much doing nothing else with the rest of my weekend.

What will I do then?

Wild....who am I turning into?

Let go...for real

Letting go...surrendering....a simple concept yet its one of the most difficult emotional things to do, at least it is for me. I said before that letting go brings up all these other "problems" for me. It creates new issues. My friend said that I’m not truly letting go if this is what is the case. Stupid emotions. If I am being honest, it’s probably more of a control issue than anything, me trying to control….imagine that.

Letting go requires a lot of practice and consistency. I decided it was time to let go.....to stop living in the past or the land of "what if's". By doing this I can begin to embrace life and all the things in life that I want to do or try or be a part of. To forgive and to move on, I declared it so it must happen...right? Not so easy I think. The past few nights I’ve tossed and turned most of the night just trying to sort through thoughts in my head. Am I really letting go?

By letting go, it dares me to walk away from all of the familiar but useless mental and emotional relationships that give me a temporary, but unsatisfactory sense of my self. Who am I? My true identity is calling to me and I've been so caught up in my old stuff that I can’t hear it. Lately it seems like that little voice is getting stronger and louder and now it seems have no choice but to hear it and I must be willing to endure, for as long as necessary, the fear of self-uncertainty to really hear what it’s beginning to shout out loud to me. Am I brave enough to listen?

The only thing certain about fear is that it will always be there. When it comes to figuring out who we really are there is always an element of fear. Fear of being your true self? Seems crazy doesn’t it, that you have a fear of becoming who you are supposed to be? But its there, that little feeling in the pit of your belly telling you whoa, stop, don’t go there! Those little internal voices telling you to stop, to turn back, it’s too scary there. I admit, I’ve been really focused on shutting down the internal chatter, to ignore and press on anyway but once in awhile I get nervous and start to second guess myself. Will anyone else like who I am and will I be able to look in the mirror and like who looks back at me?

Letting go is clearly a process, letting go of the past, of the yesterdays of the things that can not be changed. This takes conscious effort. I think the more we do this, the easier it gets, at least that's what I am hoping. There are moments in life that I just go forward, charge ahead without thinking, without second guessing the outcome and it’s fantastic. I want more of those moments. We all have moments that we would like to erase, rewrite or forget but they are really part of the journey, the process. We are where we are at now because of them.

Oh and here is what the Universe has to say to me to day.

Here's the thing, admission into time and space requires a belief in
limits: a belief that both time and space are real; that you can therefore have and have-not; that love can be lost or found; and that you are what your physical senses show you and no more. These illusions immediately lead you to believe that you are incomplete. Yet, far from indicating you are flawed, they reveal your brilliance by filling you with desire, igniting your emotions, fueling your passions, and catapulting you out into the world where journeys are begun, connections are made, and dreams come true... only to be replaced by new dreams as your divine sense of incompleteness persists. This is by design.

Feeling incomplete does not make you so. It's how legends are born, giants are made, and history is written. It's why you're here. To ever so briefly escape your true identity as you live with an unquenchable thirst that will lead into adventures of grandeur, discovery, and a realization that love is all there is.

Your trusty accomplice,
The Universe

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

Be careful what you wish for

If you had a magic wand would you really use it? Would you wave it and solve all of your problems? Cure all the illness? Give yourself your every desire or would you keep on doing what you are doing? Sometimes I think how freaking fantastic it would be if you could just wave a magic wand and poof life was awesome...but would it really be? Isn't part of who we are and what we have become or evolved into because of what we go through on a day to day basis? Do we really want to wish that away? Is it really worth it to change who we have become by getting rid of all that we go through? I wonder....

Lately it feels like we are surrounded by bad news on every level. People are sick, loved ones die, relationships end, jobs are lost, income is limited and yet we somehow seem to keep plugging away at our own lives. Slowly chipping away at each day as it crumbles and dissolves into the next day. Sometimes I feel like a good cup of coffee and warm pancakes can solve all the worlds problems.

If you could wish for something would it be for yourself or for someone else? If there was a magic lantern that you held in your hand right now would you share your wishes? I'd like to think I'd be all benevolent and wish for world peace or to end the war or this economic hardship or to give my friends and family all they need, but honestly....I'd probably wish for a vacation on the beach some place and a spa day...and if I could get pancakes while doing all that, all the better.

Does a wish have power? I've asked that before but if you put it out there in the Universe does it somehow gain momentum or steam and come to be? I remember a few years ago when I went to visit my friend in Las Vegas and we drove to Beverly Hills and I ended up getting on The Price is Right, I was talking to my friend and I said "I can't believe I actually got chosen!" He responded..."of course you did...you said you would and you always do what you say you are going to do." That's not true exactly...I say a lot of things but I get what he meant...if you put it out there and you believe it, I think it does give it power and I think the Universe has to comply. It has to do what you believe it will do. If you think it enough, does it actually happen?

The power of positive thinking...it's just as powerful as the power of negative thinking...both have power but I would much rather be positive. My boss told me recently I have the power to effect people...I am an "informal" leader. I asked him to explain and he said I can effect people either positively or negatively depending on how I feel. I was surprised by this comment...I mean I realize I do have a strong personality, I just actually thought I was stubborn but whatever, I was still surprised and kind of thrilled.

I guess I would much rather choose positive over negative, I don't want to be remembered as an Eeyore type of a person. I want people to think good things...positive things even funny things about me. As I thought about this even more I thought about Eeyore and I think it's funny that we compare ourselves to cartoon characters. I am pretty sure whoever created cartoon characters has based them on people in their own lives. Eeyore is a dismally gloomy little fella and he does not expect too much of himself and therefore remains quiet for most of the time. I wonder if I had to be a character, who would I be...better yet who would I choose to be?

If you could choose to be anything at all in life, anyone, would you still choose you?

Drowning in myself

Some days it feels like I can't catch my breath. No matter how early I get up, how much I get checked off my "to do" list there is just so much more to do and there never seems to be enough time in one day to get everything done. Plus there are things I want to do versus need or have to do and I just don't get to. One thing always replaces another and sometimes at such a fast rate I can't seem to catch my breath.

Life has been a whirl wind since the middle of January. I feel like I am on a really fast merry go round and I can't seem to get my bearings. I think the craziness of this last class of mine is really adding to my madness. It is completely wearing me to the bone and I have 3 weeks left. It's so unpredictable from week to week - sometimes class is on, sometimes not, then we have to do a make up then we don't then we have a call then we don't.....I can't seem to get any type of a routine going on...it's just constant chaos and frankly I've learned NOTHING. I am expected to do a massive amount of homework each week and I have no clue what I am doing and if it weren't for my bank downstairs I'd be super screwed! Balance ledgers, income statements....finance crap...ugh. It's a good think I'm paying for this right?

It's not just school...there is my family, work and my life in general. Still waiting to hear on my dad's tests, my mom is doing OK, some friends are sick, friends are losing jobs, losing loved ones and add to all of that, work is insane! I'm constantly rushing and going in endless circles and if I take on one more thing I think I will implode. I just need someone to grab me by the shoulders and stop the world for 5 minutes...just 5 minutes...is that too much to ask?

I realize life goes in waves....I accept that...I've had a pretty good year thus far (since my NEW new years anyway!) and I'm not complaining but jesh, a little bit of a breather sure would be nice. Add to all this that I have to take an online class for the 3 credits I will be shy of for graduation I guess I don't expect to have any breathing room until June 23. How many days is that exactly?

I suppose life would be so boring if I just had the same old same old everyday...right? We sometimes can be our own worst enemies too. I know things with school will work out, they always do. I realize that things right now seem much more out of my control than they probably are because I get overwhelmed when I don't understand things and when I can't figure out how to fix things....it's me being my own worst enemy. My young friend Leah keeps saying to me....just breath.....somehow the young people seem to know so much more than we give them credit for.

I think since I have declared this the year of no rules it's really helped me focus more on what I want to do, what I want out of life and to stop stopping myself but sometimes it feels like the old me keeps poking her head back in to say um no....don't go there....you can't do this...stay here in this muddled mess....don't look for the glass is half empty...it's empty. It's hard to fight those internal voices some days.

Okay, I got that out of my system...now I guess I get to play devils advocate! I should give equal time to the positives in my life...the things I'm grateful for. Sometimes a good quote can help shake the dust off of my brain and get me thinking better again....today I found this one:

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain!"

I thought that's it! We all face adversity in our life I mean who doesn't have any of the same issues going on in their own lives that I do? However, it's not the adversity, but how we react to it that will determine the joy and happiness in our life. During tough times we can easily dive into the pool of poor me and spend all our time feeling sorry for ourselves or do we push ourselves and learn how to dance in the rain? It almost feels too simple of a process, but again, we choose how we are going to react. It's exhausting being so overwhelmed by everything....I choose no. I choose to look for the half full glass.....and I want to dance in the rain....literally and figuratively!

Then of course here is what the Universe says to me today -

It almost sounds too simple to feel important, but one word

gratitude, can change your mind.
Never compromise a dream.

Sure, take a step back, regroup, go bowling,

but never compromise a dream.

Ciao,
The Universe

Rock on!

What's in a name?

I've always hated my name. It's always seemed...dull, boring....plain. I've always wanted a different name, something more exciting, something with more ompf, maybe even something sexier. I think that's why I like nicknames so much...I like the way a name you choose makes you feel. Sometimes if I'm feeling sassy enough I make up a name when someone asks me my name...but the problem is after a little while I forget who I said I was and then I forget who I am and it just gets more complicated from there.

Does a name make you who you are? If my name were something more exciting would I be more exciting? Would I be more interesting or popular or successful? Does a word define you?

It was a busy week/weekend and frankly I just needed to catch up on some sleep from my pretty sleepless week. Had a lot of sleep issues this last week that are hopefully over but Thursday was the worst of it. Woke up at 2am and could NOT go back to sleep to save my life. I did everything, I read, I played on the computer, I took a bath....nothing. Finally I just came into work at like 5am. Ugh. I felt like a zombie by about noon on Friday. It kind of carried over into Saturday and as a result after I got home at about 6pm I was a muddled mess. It was all I could do to change into "couch clothes" and collapse on the couch.

I literally did nothing....there was so much on my "to do" list but I just honestly couldn't even function. I dozed on and off and woke up starving ready to chew my arm off at about 9pm, ate and then crawled into bed. Ahhh. Sunday was a much better day for me.

Since I was so unmotivated on Saturday I had a lot to do on Sunday after my shift ended at the ET at 4. I helped my sister and her boyfriend file their taxes (I am a whiz on filing on line!) scanned some pictures, then tried to do homework. I couldn't seem to get motivated at home so I gathered my stuff and headed over to the bookstore. I sprawled out across a table and dug in. I have a terrible habit of talking out loud to myself...I think it's only going to get worse as I get older but apparently I was disgusted with one of my homework questions and was talking out loud to myself and this man next to me offered to help me. He was very sweet. He said "do you want me to read the question?" I was embarrassed but then thought it takes a village to raise this idiot so I took him up on his help. His name is Gordon.

It kind of made me laugh because it seemed like such an old person's name and he was....well my age, not old but old enough. He bought me a coffee (decaf!) and hung out with me for about 2 hours and we chatted and looked at my homework but mostly just chatted. It was really strange how familiar he seemed....he helped me answer my one homework question and then we just got to talking and all of a sudden it was time for the bookstore to close. It's funny, this was a complete unexpected moment that really was nice. Two complete strangers meeting because a crazy woman was talking to herself out loud...in public. Really nice, who would have thought.

Gordon is a smart, funny, charming man who really seemed like he was waiting for me...it's like the Universe put him there for me to find for that short burst of time. When they announced the store was closing, I packed up my stuff, he shook my hand and wished me luck and then we were both on our way. Isn't that fun! I don't know if our paths will ever cross again but it was so perfect that we were both there at that very moment.....one moment in time that just was meant to be..nothing more...nothing less. Nice.

My dad gets his results today from his bone marrow test....I'm feeling anxious for him, probably more so for my sisters because whatever the results are I think they are going to be the ones taking it the hardest. Knowing my dad, it will be some complicated mess but we'll get through it, we always do. I just hope that whatever the results are there are some answers. It's the not knowing or knowing what to plan or expect that makes it so much harder. If we just had a plan of attack....even if the plan of attack is there is nothing to be done....at least it's a plan.

Things happen everyday that remind us how really short life is...people die, they get sick, they lose their jobs, a loved one....everyday something happens. It's a good reminder to live each day to the fullest well maybe not to the fullest but I guess....don't postpone joy.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Open book?

It has always disturbed me when some tells me I an "open book". It kind of happened twice yesterday and when I mentioned it to some friends they said I am an open book and my blog is proof of that. At first I was like 'um whatever" but I guess in a way it is. My blog is the place I go to do a brain dump of all the muddled mess that stirs around in my head. Often once I put things down in here it sort of works itself out, its like once I put them out there, I can sort through them and sometimes just the writing of my thoughts lets me figure out the muddled mess. It's like a martini, shaken but not stirred!

In my past life Troy used to tell me that all the time that I was an open book and he knew exactly what I was thinking and it sometimes made me giggle but mostly it used to disturb me....why do others get to know what I am thinking when sometimes I don't even know what I am thinking? I guess I perceived it as a negative thing...something I needed to change about myself but in some weird way, there is some comfort now in the fact that I very well may be an open book. I might be OK with that. Being open doesn't have to mean it's a bad thing, it might make things a lot easier.

Sometimes when my boss tells me things or gives me an "opportunity" he'll ask if I'm OK with it or something and I can say yes even though I often mean HELL TO THE NO but he'll know and he'll say I can see you're not. Open book.....dang it. Sometimes its not always a good thing. Do we want to live a life shut off from the world, closed with no one to read us or do we open up and let them look at the table of contents?

Are we lying to ourself or the world if we say one thing but do another? Do we risk not living an authentic life if we don't? If I could change this about myself would I want to?

Why do we always think we have to change who we are? Do we do it for ourselves or for someone else? Do we put so little value in the person we have created that we have to change it? Change who we have become? I get making adjustments or considering other people's feelings when we make some changes but do we need to change all the time? Is it really change or is it learning? We learn what makes us happy, we learn who we want to spend time with....we learn.

I did my fairy cards just now and talk about wild....I pulled Be Yourself - this situation calls for you to be your authentic self, which is the basis for your personal power and the Ask for What You Want - let the Universe and other people know what you need.

Wow wow wow....be myself, let down my guard and give others the opportunity to know the real me. Expect a positive outcome and you will be rewarded.

Hmm, perhaps my book is more open than I expected it would be....it appears the Universe has checked it out.

Blog of babble

My head feels really muddled today with lots of random thoughts....too many to make one nice cohesive blog post so today I am going to babble...babble about things that may or may not be connected to one stream of thought, but so much is going on around me right now that I just don't know how to process all this input without just sort of spewing it out....so here goes.

There's an old saying that says..."If the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is eat a live frog, then nothing worse can happen for the rest of the day!"

Your "frog" should be the most difficult item on your to do list, the one you're most likely to procrastinate; because, if you "eat" that first, it'll give you energy and momentum for the rest of the day. If you don't and you let him sit there on the plate and stare at you while you do a hundred other things, it can drain your energy and you won't even know it. I get that, when you put off the worst thing on your list it does sort of drain you....at least it does me. There are somethings or some people that do that to me on a daily basis. I guess you can't do anything about it other than just face it...head on and move on.

I always have huge to do lists....I tend to go down the page and tick them off one by one. Sometimes I'm amazed at all I can get done in a day and other days I feel like I am spinning my wheels and going no where. I keep saying I need a wife....but man...wouldn't it be nice to have a helping hand once in awhile? How many times do we sit staring at our own frog?

We got some news at work yesterday, well I guess in this economic time it's not such bad news but its enough to be disappointing to say the least. They finally confirmed out loud that there will be no salary increases...and frankly I'm sure I would have gotten a good one! But...I have a job and I know lots of people out there struggling with that issue now so I am not even going to complain...not even a little. Oh look at me...how evolved I've become. I'm disappointed in these events but thankful I still have a job...wow...who am I?

Next thought swirling around in my head is all about feelings - I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few days because I've been really struggling with family issues...well really more about my feelings about my family...my parents, my place in my family, myself as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and even as a person....just feelings over all. I am not sure how to "label" what I am trying to process. Mostly I'm trying to be OK with what I am feeling or in some cases NOT feeling and I keep coming back to the "feeling" that it's wrong.

I'm trying really hard to not censor myself, to stop stopping myself from being OK with what I feel. To let my feeling go where they want to and see what happens...see where they go but I keep feeling.....confused. I feel like all this recent stuff with my dad is suppose to make me feel a certain way that I don't really feel and I feel bad for not feeling more....does any of that make any sense?

I admire kids - they have this uncanny ability to just accept...they don't really over think or worry or much care about anything more than the moment they are in. I often think of myself a a big kid but I probably could take more of a lesson from them. They are fun, I love the sound of their laughter and mostly their enthusiasm! I think in someways I have a childlike spirit but I think sometimes I just take things way too seriously - I need to change that. I want to have "no limit thinking and stop putting fences up!

And oddly enough.....what does the Universe (and when I say the Universe - I don't mean scary little voices in my head http://www.tut.com/) tell me today:

Think back to a happy time in your life. A really, really happy time. If
you can, try to remember the happiest you've ever felt. Think of the laughter, the peace, the confidence, the ease of it all. Emotionally, relive a few of those moments. Don't think of the details (people, places, or circumstances); just think of the way you felt. Good. Very good. We're just creating some building blocks for tomorrow and the rest of your amazing life.
Adios,
The Universe

See...the Universe always knows what I'm thinking almost at the very moment I am thinking it.

What a muddle mess in my head today. Maybe a good drink later will help clear it out!

I do beleive in fairies.....

Do you remember that scene in Peter Pan when Captain Hook poisoned Tinkerbell? Tinkerbell is basically dying and we know this because her light is fading and it's almost gone out when Peter Pan turns to the audience and shouts "She's going to die unless we do something! You have to help me!"

He then shouts at the audience - "Clap your hands! Clap your hands if you believe...clap your hands and shout "I believe in fairies!" Of course everyone starts clapping their hands and shouting at the top of their lungs....I kind of feel like that in general or maybe it's just today. I feel like I've gotten to a place in my life where I beleive...I beleive in myself. I feel like I am starting to trust my voice, trust my decisions and trust that I am doing what I need to be doing. I think I do beleive in fairies! I'd like to believe in something bigger than me, something outside my being. I feel like clapping and shouting.....and I feel like I can make a difference....even if it's for some poor fairy that's been poisoned. I believe in fairies, and I'm going to shout it at the top of my lungs.

Okay, maybe not so much in the literal sense of beleiving in fairies, but the concept of them. Lately I've been doing my magical fairy cards and I keep pulling this one card over and over...and I know it's a message, I know the little nymphs are out there conspiring with the Universe to send me a message and they really can't seem to make it any clearer than it is and I'm starting to get it! I'm starting to realize it and hear it and act on it. This particular card is about letting go. It's saying stop thinking, stop planning, stop stopping yourself....go with the moment, go with the flow, let go. It's time to embrace the things you want, the things your scared of, the things you've been avoiding and go...grow...move past the place you've stopped yourself. Take one step and don't question things....just move.

It's a little disconcerting that no matter what question I pose to my deck of cards, the last four times I've pulled this exact same card....I mean honestly. I've shuffled, I've pondered, I've asked different questions and yet this card appears. So maybe I'm a little slower on the uptake than most, maybe I need to hear something multiple times to get it to sink into my brain or maybe it was the second cocktail that helped me see things clearer (whatever) but last night I pulled out the cards to ponder some questions and the second card I pulled was that card again. The little hairs on my neck sort of popped up and I was like....whoa.....this is weird. So I thought about it and thought about it and woke up at 2:30am still thinking about it and have now decided that it is indeed a message I need to process. I wonder if the Universe and the fairies often conspire?

My message from the Universe today: Hunches, instincts, and intuition are priceless because they throw you into action.

Thoughts become things.....choose good ones.

So I guess today's message or lesson is to be like Tinkerbell. Listen for voices shouting that they believe in you! Surround yourself with those kinds of people and soon your light will come back.

"I do believe in fairies!"

Can you hear success?

I think if I had to lose any sense I'd much rather lose any one of my senses except the ability to hear, wait...maybe to speak but for sure those two senses would be the worst to lose. I realized how much the sound of things effect me. The same sound over and over like the clacking of nails, the cutting up of vegetables (hee hee) someone tapping a pencil or clicking a pen...really other peoples nervous ticks or habits seem to be something I really notice and am able to hone in on. I don't think I do any of those things but I do know I have a terrible habit of talking out loud to myself. I always have....it helps me process things better...although I bet that is annoying to others. I would also miss the noises other people make. A heavy sigh, the sound of someone else breathing right next to you (not at work but maybe when you are cuddling) the happy noises people make and I guess sometimes the sad ones. I also noticed how much I like the sound of shoes with a heel - not really a high heel, just a regular heel and the way they sound when you walk. There is something about that sound that makes me feel successful and oddly powerful. Rubber based souls just don't make any sound. Isn't that a strange realization?

I like the sound a shoe with a heel makes not only on a non-carpeted floor but on carpets as well. It seems to have some authority to it, like it conveys a message that says "I know where I'm going people...move out of my way". I noticed it on myself yesterday. I was wearing my cute red shoes and I realized I was feeling much more authoritative, determined and in charge of my own little bubble. I've said it before - a pair of shoes can make or break an outfit but a pair of shoes with a heel that clack clacks on the floor makes me feel like I am going places and know things.

Is there a sound to success or to power? Do the right shoes or clothes make that possible? I work with a few people who have very prominent footsteps and I always think they are on their way some place important. Isn't it funny the things we give power to? A prominent footstep, the right clothes, good hair. Ahh....can you imagine would you could accomplish if you had all three of those things!

When did hounds tooth (you know that sort of checkered pattern) become the new "corporate wear" for the ladies? Last week at this major meeting we were putting on a huge percentage of the lady folks were in hounds tooth patterns. Odd. I don't find it particularly attractive but it made me wonder....is that the new "power suit"? I know there used to be "power colors" you were suppose to wear but hounds tooth...that is one choice I just don't get.

I am a fan of color...not like over the top in your face color (well not for work!) and I prefer a little red or gold or some type of pattern to be a "power suit" but I guess I don't make the rules...yet. I "hosted" some out of town guests and when I talked to one of them on the phone directing him where to meet me he said how will I know who you are? I said I am wearing a striped dress with a gold jacket and I have red eye glasses. His comment was something like....wow...that's a lot of color.

Is it? Is that a lot of color? The dress was in browns and sort of a melon color and not really over the top but maybe he thought I mean like a gold glitter Judy Garland type of jacket and not the tasteful muted gold jacket I had on...regardless....embrace color people.

Where do we learn to compare ourself to others? It's not like we're born with that ability or skill. I guess it's just another life lesson we learn from our parents or society. I distinctly remember in 4th or 5th grade getting dressed for school and wearing what I was comfortable in...a checker shirt (maybe it was a hounds tooth pattern!) and I think my favorite striped pants. I remember arguing with my mom because she was insistent I go change and I of course refused (only goes to show that even as a child I was a bad daughter) and thus I won out and wore the outfit.

What I do remember about that incident is how it made me feel. All of a sudden I was so self aware and my, according to my mother (who was probably right!), horrible outfit. I remember feeling like crap all day and just wanting to burrow away in a hole. I think of that often when I am having a day when I feel bad about my outfit - did she set the tone for my whole clothes wearing life? Was she trying to protect me against the big scary world or was she just jealous I was being who I was no matter what anyone thought? Fine line.

I always find it surprising when people tell me I look nice...it always catches me off guard because I try really hard but I always feel like I'm not there, that they are just being nice. Do people really just say things to be nice?

When do we learn to trust ourself?

Mirror mirror

I wrote this poem once that I wanted to turn into a video project...I called it The Mirror....it went something like - what do you see when you look in the mirror? I see my mothers eyes staring back at me....sad, lonely, empty eyes. What do you see when you look in the mirror? I see my fathers eyes....mean, angry, scared eyes searching....searching for something he can't find.

It was at the height of my "parent" issues but for some reason that part of the poem popped into my little brain this morning and I started thinking about how focused I'd become on NOT becoming my parents that it's almost like by trying so hard NOT to do something you kind of end of doing it. Aren't we complicated little ducks? Maybe it's because we are going in with my dad tomorrow to find out the depth of his bone cancer....maybe its the fact that I had dinner with my family last night and my mom who is always in so much need of attention sort of irritated me or maybe it's the fact that my sister puts up with all my parents issues with such grace and perfect manners that I feel like the worlds worst daughter.....maybe it's a bit of all three?

I have some friends I talked into doing a new years re-do with this weekend....yeah for friends that support your crazy ideas! We had so much fun...well I know I did, I assume they did as well. I was thinking about it yesterday and I realized I enjoyed it so much because it was really just so unplanned. Plus hanging out with this little group is so nice....no judging, no pretense, no anything...they just accept and play along and include and challenge and accept me as I am. It's really really nice to be around people like that. They let me in and don't mind my freak flag flying high and proud! :) There was no real "plan" other than we were going to hang out, play cards and not get all liquored up until midnight hit. And yes.....it worked! I guess there was a mini plan....whatever, I ended up having such a fun night and I can't tell you the last time I've laughed sooooo much at really nothing!! My favorite moment was a car ride (yes there was a sober driver) listening to some radio station and people were just singing out loud and then singing in pirate voices...freaking made me so oddly happy. It was really a cathartic moment. I didn't think about it, I didn't plan it....I just let go and went with it.

One of the things I am really trying to focus on is letting go....going with the moment, not over thinking things and I have to say....it's kind of a challenge but the rewards are really kinda surprisingly nice. I can't wait for the next moment to see what the Universe has in store.

Sometimes the closer we are to things we can't see them. Like that old saying - you can't see the forest through the trees (or however it goes). Sometimes we have to step back, stop and just see what happens. I kinda like not knowing what moments are going to bring....its almost like a surprise party at every turn. I also don't have any of those "oh shoot" moments either. Like "oh shoot" I wish I had done this or said this or...whatever...but instead, I didn't think, I didn't stop myself, I didn't impose any of my own rules and I enjoyed the ride. Nice. I really need to do that more.

Now being back at work in all the chaos that seems to have now become my job I wonder if the same rules apply? Can I not plan,not think, say no and enforce the "no rules" idea? Umm, no, I think not. Funny how that doesn't seem to transfer to the work place easily enough. In my job if I didn't plan, didn't think ahead, didn't say NO I'd be in so much of a muddle I'd never get out of it. So...I guess I'll take it for one part of my life.

My message from the Universe today is: How will you answer those who will one day look at your utterly amazing life, complete with house and cool friends, and say, "Yeah, but for you it was easy"? Huh, huh, huh?

The Universe

Easy.....hmmm, I never thought I could even say it but...yeah...you know what...when you stop fighting the flow things can be pretty dang easy.

Aww crap...did I just say that out loud?

Yeah for the Universe! :)