How badly do you want what you want?

Of course the Universe weighs in on my thoughts without me even asking:

I love this job! You know, writing you every day. Do you know how I got it? No, besides being the Universe and getting whatever I want. Yes! I just started doing it. And that's all anything takes.
The Universe

P.S. Of course it'll feel funny at first, might even look funny, but how badly do you want what you want?

Interesting isn't it? How badly do we want what we really want? I always think I want what I don't have but the minute I get it, or get close to it becomes SO clear that I don't really want THAT. I want some form of it, some edited version, some piece of THAT but never THAT. I wonder what that means? I wonder what that is telling me? Why do we always seem to want that impossible, unattainable want? Is that part of life?

Are we always suppose to be wanting that elusive "thing", to always be striving for something and then having to settle for what we do have. I don't want to settle, I don't want to have the "eh, you'll do" kind of a life. I want the life that I envision inside my head. I'm scared that doesn't exist. Is it possible to want the un-wantable life?

What's love got to do with it?

I know when people fall in love the rest of the world falls away. Friends get forgotten, jobs become less important and nothing matters except being with that other person. I get it, I accept it but I also know it fades. Sometimes really, really quickly.

That euphoric feeling is so amazing while it lasts and then one day, reality sets in and it all becomes routine again. Everything kind of settles into place and it become the same old every day mundane type of a life you had before, except there is one other person there you have to now take into account with every decision you make. You no longer own your life. You have to begin thinking in terms of WE or US. You no longer make your own rules. Is that the life I want? Really?

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to decide whether or not your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Why doesn't THAT feeling last? Why doesn't that butterflies in the tummy, you can't think about a day without them feeling last? Why does it all have to stop and morph into reality.

I'd like to live in the land of la la.

Somethings not missing

I used this as my Facebook quote today: It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

It really struck me that we go through life looking so hard for what's missing, for something that we can't quite find and then one day, all of a sudden something arrives and you realize it may have been there all along but we just never saw it. Never embraced it or let it in. All of a sudden things go from being so difficult and confusing to meh.....it's not that big of a deal. What a difference it is when you find that missing peice.

The Universe needed to weigh in on it to. It says: It's not unreturned love, from a certain someone, that hurts. It's just that sometimes the "thing" you're focusing on, keeps you from feeling all the love that others are sending you.
Especially me, me, me -
The Universe

P.S. In other words, the more it seems that "love" hurts, the more you can be sure it's something else.

So many messages come at us all the time.....it's these simple ones that stop me in my tracks and make me think.

Brand new thoughts

When ever I think about New Years something in the pit of my stomache twists just a little bit. There is so much pressure, so much expectations put on one day that it kind of makes me want to sleep through it. On the other hand, I almost always wish I were at some fabulous party with music and decorations and at midnight everyone would sing the song and confetti would fall from the ceiling. Aww......that's the New Years I want. Maybe I wouldn't feel so anxeity ridden to make some new decisions if it were like that. Maybe it would be easier to change my thining if it weren't so boring and stressful.

I wonder as the year comes to an end - Where will I be at this time next year? Who will I be? And what will I be dreaming of? I am sooo not the same person I was at the beginning of this year and I soooo never imagined I'd be where I am at right now.....it's been a roller coaster or a year, and not all bad. Emotionally it's been a crazy year, physically not much has changed...I might even have the same hair I started the year out with....is that possible that none of that has changed at all in one year? I might have to go back and review pictures.

I've sure laughed, loved and cried a lot more this year than in any past years I can remember. I guess that's good...beats the alternative. I've cultivated some great new friends and feel like I've let go of some of the more toxic relationships I've had in my life....so over all, it's been a pretty decent year....but now as it's getting ready to end, I find myself being challenged by trying to find new new thoughts....some new things that I've not even yet considered.

The Universe in all it's wisdom has it's say as well:

Thinking brand new thoughts that you've never thought before is wildly more conducive to creating big life changes than just thinking different varieties of the same old thoughts. Think about it -
The Universe

How do we let NEW thoughts in? How do we change the way we just revise old thoughts and try to make them fit into our lives...like trying to cram a square peg in a round hole. It takes so much work somedays....but I like the idea of creating big life changes......perhaps I have to think some more on this.

Stay the same or change?

You ever get a song stuck in your head? The repeating chours of some song that you sing over and over and over until you think your ears will bleed? Sometimes life feels like that.

We tell ourselves the same message over and over and over and soon we begin to beleive it. It becomes our reality and until we sing it through or change the words we can't get past that moment. Each day is made up of mini events. Some we events don't seem so great until they are over. We don't realize they are happening or experence the Wowness of them until they are over.

So it begs me to ask......do we fight to stay the same, to keep things as they are or do we let the Universe step in and help us change? How do we know when it's time to fight and time to give up?

The older I get the more it seems like I have no idea what the answers are....I used to think I knew. I used to think that the things I didn't know I'd eventually figure out AS I got older but it doesn't seem to work like that. How can we live so in such a unknowing state for so long. Is it just easier to coast along then to try and figure it all out. Does anyone really have it all figured out? Probably not.....and if they claim to, I'm not sure I'd believe them.

I saw this bumper sticker "Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same." The same amount of energy goes into feeling unhappy as it does to be happy....why choose one over the other?

I guess it all comes down to....change or don't change....what's the benefit?

Think, Think, Think

If you think on it long enough, you'll know. You just will.
In fact you already do.
The Universe

Thinking is a critical skill that I think I am lacking. I mean I know how to do it, I spend a lot of time doing it but I am not very good at it.

I think about things and then my mind sort of spins out of control, it goes off on tangents I can't seem to control. The "what if" card always comes into play. Anytime I stop doing things my mind races. It's frustrating. I think I preferred it when I didn't think about things....that I lived and loved my little world of denial. Ahhh, I miss those days.

What has thinking really done for a person anyway? I mean when you spend so much time thinking and not actually living what's the pay off? I don't know how to stop it. It's kind of like it's been bottled up for so long and now I can freely process and think about whatever my little mind desires and there is no stopping it.

Work has been insanely busy, which is good, but all day long I try to focus on all the stuff I have to do....like cramming 10 hours worth of work in a 8 hour day and my personal life has been sort of a disappointment lately that when I finally lay down at night my mind wanders wild and free.

I've taken to not requiring much sleep....well I require it but my body and brain have decided I only need between 4 & 5 hours at the most. It doesn't matter how much I talk to myself....sleep does not seem to be something I am interested in doing. Ugh!!!!

Is Everything a Sign?

Signs, signs everywhere a sign - blocking out the scenery breaking my mind. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the signs?

I am a big proponent that the Universe sends us messages, that things happen for a reason. I believe good things come to those who wait, do unto others as you would have them do unto you but lately I'm wondering if we get so immune to these constant incoming messages that we start to NOT see them anymore.

I have been feeling quite disconnected for sometime now, I've felt like the last half of this year has taken an unexpected stroll down a path I wasn't even sure existed before and suddenly I find myself being bombarded by thoughts 24/7 and I can't seem to shut them off. Today as I was trying to process these thoughts I was behind a car that cut me off, this J-Hole swerved over at the last possible moment and then jammed on his breaks. As I cussed him out in my head, OK probably out loud, I saw his bumper sticker...it read "do what you love, nothing else matters".

It made me pause. Made me think about it....what is it that I love? Not a "who" but a "what". What is it that makes me get up in the morning, do the things I do, not just go through the motions of living. Interesting. This is going to take some more thinking.

Something has definitely shifted in my life. What is this need all of a sudden I have for some kind of external validation? What has changed or shifted in my life to cause me to NEED something more, something different, something I clearly don't have? Why is it not enough for me that I am a good and decent person? That I (try) treat others fairly, and frankly I'm a pretty amazing person overall and I don't NEED anyone else to tell me that. I really don't. I know this. I take care of myself, I live a pretty decent life and I have some amazing friends, a good job and my health. Why is it that suddenly that doesn't feel like enough. Why do I have this overwhelming emptiness that seems like something is missing? Is this a mid-life thing? A woman thing? A crazy person thing?

What possibly is missing and why do I feel like I'll never figure it out?

So I was prompted to change my password today on my work computer and I had been using the name of someone who is pretty much gone from my life but it was my way to kind of keep him in it...I know, it makes no sense, anyway, I had to think of a new password and suddenly my mind couldn't think of any other word....I was like OK you are crazy....stop this. So I did, I regrouped and typed in a new password....well I apparently didn't type the same word twice so I tried to re-enter it and it again didn't accept....I tried for a third time and I swear to God my brain must just be such a muddled mess because it cancelled again. Screw it I thought, I used t he name again but just changed the number after it - ex. Winter01. I wonder, what exactly was the Universe trying to tell me at this moment? I thought I was ready to let it go but clearly I am not. What does it all mean?

Where is the book of answers when you need it? The walk down this tangled path continues.