Do squirrels have a death wish?

I usually take the lake route to work. I drive past Lake of the Isles and weave my way into downtown down 28th street to Park and into work….I’ve noticed lately that there seem to be a lot more squirrels taking their lives into their hands. It’s almost like they enjoy playing dodge cars but the risks are much higher.

I am often slamming on my breaks to avoid the darting squirrel….I wonder what they are thinking. It’s like dodge ball trying to get around the lakes without hitting them. Do they sit on the side of the road and wait until the last possible moment to try to cross the street? And why do they dash out, sort of pause, turn and then turn again like they can’t make up their little squirrel minds about which way to go? What is up with that? I worry I may be turning into a squirrel.

Life comes at us fast and furious. I feel like I’m always running around, going from here to there to here all while trying to maintain my sanity and it’s getting harder and harder. The change of seasons presents its own stresses. I have what I believe are seasonal allergies and also many of my co-workers are working through their end of summer colds/allergies as well. The endless sneeze fests and those coughing up their lungs around me add extra stress and pressure to my day. I am pumping myself full of Vitamin C and Purelling every time I leave a meeting just to stay ahead of all that is flying around me. It’s exhausting!

It’s also the time of year I love best, cool sunny days that scream apple picking or drives around to look at the leaves changing….which is hard to make the time to do….but my soul is crying out for it…so I will try to squeeze it in…this is why I feel like an out of control squirrel.

Go here, do this, be there, be nice, spend time with friends, see your family, clean my house, make dinner, wash my car, do my shopping, hang my wine rack…so much to do and thus I spin in circles…I really need to get some people….for real this time.

I was curious about the symbolic meaning of feeling like a squirrel…so I googled it….and of course found all I needed to know and more. One places suggests that a squirrel is a message to us to remind us to have more fun and to take life a little less seriously. Ok…I can buy that. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and worn out by life so I can definitely get on board with the have more fun piece. It goes on to talk about how a squirrel is known to save and hide its food to survive the winter months and it may be a sign to us to take a deeper look into our own lives and be sure we have the “provisions” we need to survive. Ahhh…this squirrel metaphor is turning out to be deeper than I had even imagined when I began dodging them on my drive.

So…what do I need to consider for myself? This is a deeper question and one that will require some thought. One message goes on to talk about how a squirrel only actually finds a very small percentage of their nuts and keeps them safe for later use. That the message here is one of balance…we reap what we sow. It’s telling us to be mindful in our moment and to be the seeds we plant in our own life. Ahh, these social creatures who are much more clever and meaningful that I ever imagined. Who knew that they were such social creatures, often traveling in a pair or packs, which means they are much like myself. The squirrel reminds us to communicate with others but to honor those around us at the same time…so this little gather is really just preparing for the future and reminding us to get our ducks in a row to be prepared for what it to come.

So after having some time to ponder and work through this, I think it’s not actually so bad if I feel/act like a squirrel…it means I am simply getting prepared for the future.

Nuts for my friends!

Beautiful from the inside out

I haven’t been to a wake in a long time where the body was laid out. I always find that such a disconcerting event. It’s always sort of made me wonder why we take a loved one and dress them up to the nines and lay them out for everyone to see one last time. It’s often the best that person has looked in YEARS. I mean their hair is perfect, their makeup flawless and there is none of the everyday life stuff adding lines of stress to their faces….it’s a beauty that comes from the inside. Total and complete peace. I wonder if that's the reason it freaks me out so much, that complete and total look of peace and contentment? Have I become to cynical about life? Have we all?

I realize this display is usually for the family and friends of the person, the last time they get to be/see their loved one but it’s always sort of freaked me out a bit. I almost always expect them to sit up and say something or to yell at someone for something going on. Today is my dad’s birthday, he would have been 73. He had a hard life, mostly self-imposed, but still, it was a hard life. He wasn't happy. I don't think he was ever happy. He always wanted more, needed more but from what I could tell, always looked for the easy way to get that...which often meant more stress and work in the end.

It wore on him - and it showed. Towards the end of his life, he always wore a pained expression. He always looked as if just being alive was exhausting him to no end. He was in constant pain and I would offer a constant state of confusion because of the multiple medications he was on. He always looked like he was somewhere else - or desperately wanted to be somewhere else. When he died, it was my family who wanted to say one last good bye to him so we laid him out for all to say good bye.

What struck me at that time was the absolute and complete look of peace that he had. No longer were life’s everyday issues/concerns/pressures weighing him down. No longer were all the failures weighing him down, it was a complete and total release of all the baggage and stuff life adds…..gone…in the absence of a single breath….gone.

Recently I attend my friends mothers wake…same thing, her mother was laid out and absolutely beautiful. She was so peaceful looking. None of the last, hard days wearing her soul out showed. She was peacefully laying there for all to say good bye to one last time. Death really is beautiful. The weight of the world gone and nothing drags them down anymore. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to capture that while we are still here.

I wonder if people have the ability to do that? People like the Dalia Lama or Mother Theresa? I mean the really amazing and good people….but their life isn’t without stress and strife. They give up a lot to live the life they’ve chosen. They give up comforts and possessions and lots of things to be able to give back to the greater good but I wonder, as an every day “Joe”, can we do that? Can we live a life of carefree, stresslessness and ultimately happiness? I’d like to think so but it stresses me even more to think that at my advanced age I still don’t have that peace and contentment I thought I’d have.

What will it take? What does a soul need? Is it ever too late?

Clouds in my coffee

The clouds were amazing today. My drive into the office takes me around the lakes, it’s a relaxing way to start my day. The sunrise reflecting off the water, the ducks happily swimming lazily through the cool morning water and the challenge of avoiding the joggers and bicyclists as I make the trek in is both soothing and a way to help me get focused and centered on my day.

The storm last night that came through must have been a little more intense than I thought. I heard the rain hitting my windows but now that I’m half way in the ground (not death-wise, I have a street level apartment now) I was nestled all snug in my cave and didn’t really think much of the story, but my drive around the lakes proved me wrong. There appeared to be some strong winds that came through as the lake path was littered with downed tree branches and chunks of branches and leaves. As I dogged them, the joggers and bike riders, I realized the weather was a little more severe than I thought. Got me thinking….life is like that. When we stay all closed off in our own little bubble we don’t know what’s really going on outside of us until something forces us to see it.

The clouds this morning were interesting too….sort of 2-D. The sky was filled with these amazing white fluffy beautiful clouds scattered blissfully across the sky and seemingly not at all moving – still as night. There was this layer of darker, very fast moving clouds over them, almost racing across the morning sky whisking away all the beauty and sunlight hidden behind. It was rather distracting to see….I sat through one whole light this morning as I stared at the sky trying to figure out if they were rain clouds or just the remnants of last night’s storm moving on…finding another place to settle into.

Much like those moments in our life, the lies the unhappiness….come in and covers the goodness and light and with once you acknowledge it, it’s like they become the fast moving dark clouds, rushing past us trying to find a new place to land.

I often think of the correlation between the weather and our own lives. I mean it can be full of rainbows and butterflies and in just the blink of an eye a storm can roll in bringing destruction and chaos before you even have a chance to take cover. Life is always changing, no matter how many times you think you have it figured out, some cloud burst or ray of sunshine forces it’s way in causing us to rethink, redefine and change course.

Guess we need a really, really big umbrella.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Keep Calm and Carry On is a catchphrase that originally appeared on a World War II British public safety poster. It was intended to be used to strengthen morale in the event of a large-scale attack or occupation, which many considered inevitable at the time. The intent was to help reassure the masses and to finish what they started. It’s a mantra I am trying hard to adopt.

A friend gave me a gift that touts this saying…it makes me happy every time I see it. As an added bonus, it came with a postcard of the saying (which I immediately blinged up and hung on my desk at work) and a small sticker which I placed on my car. Mainly it helps me find my car in a sea of cars in a parking lot because I can never seem to remember I have a new car and where the hell I parked it, so this distinguishing mark helps me find it and arrive back home.

Keep calm….that’s not something I’ve ever excelled at. I tend to be very much like Chicken Little – the sky is falling…the sky is falling! I grew up in a big family and I think I have that mentality that if it doesn’t happen right now, it won’t happen. That’s part of the downfall of a large family. You develop this mindset that it has to be RIGHT now or it’s not going to happen. You don’t even realize you are living this way until others point it out. Maybe always meant no, we’ll see always meant not a chance in hell, and go ask your father/mother always, always meant it wasn’t going to happen. Keep Calm and Carry On would have served me well during my younger years for sure.

As an adult however, I find it difficult to shift the learning that I have. I know, I mean in my head, I know the difference but somehow it doesn’t translate into my soul. I know you shouldn’t expect one thing from anyone else. Nothing, nada, zip….but I do…I always do and that’s where I go off course. I expect things in return…common sense to be used but how can you expect that from someone when their definition of common sense may not even come close to your own?

I love the curiosity that young children have. They have no fear, no worries they pretty easily go with the flow….it’s too bad we lose that as we get older. Last weekend we had a family get together up at cabins on Leech Lake. It was a fun family bonding time and I got to spend some uninterrupted time with my 2 year old nephew who was happy as a clam to pee outside, sit in the water with Auntie and pick up rocks and toss them in the water over and over and over. We picked up rocks, filled our bucket and tossed them in the water….marveling at the splash each one made. Somewhere along the line he’d pick up a fairly large stone and barely toss it in with a grunt like he was working sooo hard to toss the rock. That was the extent of our day – tossing rocks. It was so very relaxing to just do nothing…play in the sand, toss rocks and enjoy the sun. As we gathered our rocks to toss, we found that along the dock was where tons of rocks settled….I’m sure they were pushed to the side due to the waves and over time one blocked another and another until they became a pile. It was a nice endless source for us so I didn’t have to dig them out of the sand. Problem was as things sit in the water over time they get slimy…from the algae and various other things….like fish stuff and other lake items. So some of the rocks were kinda gross…but as a good Auntie does, I just powered through the slimeyness and keep filling the bucket. My nephew helped and at one point he turned to me and said…look Auntie, it’s stuck. I look at what he is trying to pull off his finger and it’s of course a leech. I mean we are in LEECH lake so I imagined at some point in time it was named that for a reason. Now I’m NOT the great outdoors woman I pretend to be….I hate bugs and I am not into fishing in anyway other than I do enjoy a boat ride – so I had to be the calm one and pull this leech off him. It was stuck pretty good on his finger and as I tried to grab the slimely little bugger off him it would latch on again, finally I got it off him and me and managed to do so without freaking him out. He was pretty excited to tell everyone he had a leech. Ahh the things we do for children.

I could have totally freaked out like the time I found a tick on the inside of my thigh on the car ride home after traipsing around in the woods like I was freaking Little Red Riding Hood. I was with my sister, her husband and my little niece who was maybe 3 or 4 years old. She was conked out and I literally threw my leg up and out the window as we were speeding down the highway assuming the wind would blow the tick off. It didn’t but you can imagine this sight. I moved like a ninja for sure! But with the leech, I calmly pulled it off and we went back to our rock adventure. Keep Calm and Carry On.

So...here we are back to life, back to reality and all the things that seem so stressful and out of our control seem really small and insignifigant when you put them in the perspective of "things could always be worse". I could have never found that leech stuck to my little nephews hand, I couldn't not have bravely pulled it off and continued on our path of rock throwing...would my world be any different? Probably not, but now I feel a tiny bit braver and some of the things that were stressing me out before I went away for the weekend don't seem quite as bad a pulling a leech off.  So...Keep Calm and Carry On my friends...keep calm.

Possibilities are endless

I love the word POSSIBLE. It gives me hope. It inspires me. It makes me happy and giddy with the possibility of something new and fun.

Somedays you wake up and everything in life seems possible....other days it feels totally impossible...but yet we keep plugging away and putting one foot in front of the other until it feels possible again.

This weekend is going to be FULL of possible! My father passed away last year - kind of unexpectedly but if anyone knew him, it wasn’t really THAT unexpected. He had been sick on and off for years. Multiple emergency trips to the ER that my sisters endured, often early in the morning or late at night, because they were the closest not only personally but locally. He was often not expected to pull through the latest bought of some sort of medication/heart failure/blood pressure kind of mess….but he always did. With his stubborn, strong as-an-ox pace maker assisted heart, he always pulled through…until the one time he didn’t. But that’s not important now.


Upon his death my siblings and I gathered to clean out his house, to basically erase his existence from this earth with a family pow wow one Sunday afternoon in April. Within several hours, all traces, well almost all traces, of Vic was removed from the apartment he called home. His belongings boxed up to be sold or donated and some claimed by his grandchildren and children, but mostly, within a few hours he was physically and materialistically gone. All that was left to do was to say our good-byes and bury him. We actually cremated him. I don’t recall right now if that was HIS wish or ours…but it made sense. My father was never one to plant his feet anywhere and call it home. He has a few brothers left in Chicago and Nebraska but other than that, just us, his remaining gene pool, to call his world. So we cremated him. We all seemed to be in agreement of it, which is a feat within itself to get a large group of people to agree on anything. I remember all descending upon the funeral home we chose and I often wondered if that funeral director ever had that many people in a room making the last choices of an individual. The room was filled with my sisters, my mom, my nieces and nephews (his grandchildren) and if I really think back, it’s possible a pet was in there too. Anyway, we had him cremated and in a few days we could pick him up and do what we wanted with him.

Ahh…the possibilities!

It was probably the first time that I can ever remember that we, the children, got to make ANY decision regarding him. In one way, it was a little empowering, in another, quite sad for my siblings….as this was their last moments with their father. So there we had him…all neat and tidy in a small box ready to do something with him. We knew he loved fishing, probably was the one thing in his life he actually LOVED. That apparently was where his happy place was…so we decided we would let him fish forever by releasing him into the water he loved so much. So we planned, we made it possible, everyone adjusted their life, their schedules and we went, as a family, to his happy place and we read a poem, sent him away on a boat and sprinkled him into the waters he loved so much. Just like that, Vic was one with the water.

The possibilities for him now were endless. He would become part of something so much bigger than he ever was, he would meld and blend and become one with all that touched that water. There were tears, there were stories, there was drinking….a toast of his favorite greek beverage that tasted like lighter fluid and we all went back to our lives with the solemn vow that once a year, we would gather as a family and spend some time together while we were all here. We agreed upon a weekend in June and we all planned our lives around it. That weekend is coming up…June 8-10. Yes the siblings and their families are gathering and celebrating life and family and all that we are….in tiny cabins nestled along the waters our father cherished so much.

There will be stories, there will be drinking and I’m guessing there will be tears - but the possibilities of this gathering are infinite. The weather looks to be beautiful and both my brother and brother-in-law have boats so among the large gathering, we may be able to score a boat ride or two. There will be kids, adults, my mom, multiple nieces and nephews and their significant others and of course pets. There will be pets. Now picture this….we have reserved three 2-bedroom cabins that each accommodate possibly 6 people. Each cabin has the same things – bedroom 1 sports a queen size (or double?) bed, the other has 2 twins and each cabin has a futon that folds out. So…..potentially 6 people could sleep there……moderately comfortably I would say but as usual….with this group, we are an exception to the rule. In my cabin there will be 8 – possibly 9 adults and a dog. In cabin 2, my brother and his family I believe are at the count of 9 plus two dogs and finally in cabin 3, I think they are at 9 as well, a 2 year old and an 8 year old but pet free….so yes….the weather MUST cooperate for us.

Oh the possibilities of this weekend! I am giddy with a touch of apprehension. This is going to go one of two ways, it’s either going to be insanely fun-filled, laugh packed and silliness abound or it’s going to be a chaotic nightmare that seems like there is no escape from….50/50 shot. I know last year we had more space and less people in a room and yet we all gathered in my sisters cabin at night and laughed until my sides hurt and told stories and had an absolutely delightful time and I was in a knee brace having blown out my ACL. I was in a moderate amount of pain (no pain pills) and I still had a rocking good time….so I’m led to believe that this year, the possibilities of the same are pretty high.

I imagine we will be outdoors all day Saturday playing, boating, building family memories….it will just be the night time when the possibilities change. I’m driving all by myself…mostly because I want to have an escape option if I need it and also, I am really feeling like with that many people crammed together, I might really enjoy the 3 ½ hour car ride alone. Details of the weekend will follow.

I wonder, if my father had not died….what possibly would have made us gather together as a family and share some time in our lives like this? I mean we do this at Christmas but it's usually only a few hours and then we all go back to our lives, touching base here and there but rarely as a whole group. We get so busy trying to create our own lives, our own purpose, raising kids, taking care of pets, working or looking for our life partner that we forget about the family connection. It seems only in times of tragedy do we pull together to remember the possibilities that family offers – the fun, the chaos, the madness that makes us.....us. The people that unconditionally love us despite every single fault or mistake we’ve ever made.

So here's to the possibilies life offers us. May you find some possible in your own life and not wait for life to force it upon you.

Actions speak louder than words

I'm the queen of the eye roll. I have it mastered. I can even do it without actually physically doing it - sometimes it's more of an internal thing. As a kid I used to get in trouble all the time for rolling my eyes in response. Sometimes though, a good eye roll is all a girl has.

Some say it’s a form of self-expression, or a way to hide what you are really feeling. I have what you would call a lot of "tells". When I get nervous my tummy makes excruciating loud gurgly sounds that I cannot control. It's rather embarrassing and rather loud…but it happens. My therapist always knows when she’s hit a nerve when it speaks loud in the silence her question or challenge to me goes unanswered. Also, when I’m upset beside the classic eye roll, I tend to shake my foot like it’s full of electricity. It makes trying to hide these feelings a bit hard to do but I still choose the classic eye roll as my best example of actions not matching my word.

An eye roll can mean multiple things. It can be sarcastic such as my mom telling me “you are not going anywhere until your room is clean” *insert sarcastic eye roll here* or it can be a very intense way of thinking “did you turn the dryer on before you left today?” *insert thinking eye roll here* or even the you have got to be freaking kidding me eye roll such as when your boss asks you something completely absurd at the very last minute – for example literally 2 minutes before a meeting starts “now you’ve got the video ready to go right” and he never told you there was a video nor gave you a video *insert wide eyed I am going to kill you eye roll here*. So a good eye roll can really cover multiple circumstances.

All this coming back to the point of making our actions match our words. For me, New Year’s resolutions are my nemeses. I hate them. I despise this time of year where we are forced to spew out some fault or trait we hate about ourselves in an attempt to meet the social norm of “making New Year’s Resolutions.” Out with the old…in with the new! Well if that were indeed the truth my wardrobe did not incorporate any new trends and unfortunately a gym membership did not happen and forget about finding my soul mate. Though I probably would have greatly benefited from any one of these plans, I have difficulty with their simplicity. Things that are meant to unfold in normal logical sequences usually become complicated and exhausting really quickly. I tend to easily lose focus of small steps and shoot straight for overarching and end-of-the-world themes or as my friend calls it - the end of the rainbow. As much as I despise the whole black and white thinking…things sometime really are. You either love me or you don’t. You either want to make me dinner or you don’t. You either want to keep a job or you don’t. Black and white….actions match deeds.

Perhaps it’s because I have tricked myself into believing I am OK with the chaos that has become my life, that I work best amongst the mess, and constant need from others that keeps me going. The very reason I get up every day is so I can do something for someone else, my very being is dependent on me doing something for someone else…writing, editing, answering phones, renting apartments, giving presentations…it’s always for someone else. Someone else is always the driving force behind my very existence. After all, it is in these situations where I thrive (or at least I say I do).

My self-expression seems to illustrate this perfectly. Over time I’ve developed a guts first process of communication – I say what’s on my mind. I grew up in a house where we never really said what we felt, we held it in until it appeared in angry outbursts at something simple like dropping a spoon. I often have a hard time NOT saying things out loud and sometimes force others to use their words out loud. My verbal rants can be laced with snarky outbursts, laser beam stares, and far more cuss words than a lady should say out loud.

Although I’m all for acceptance of owning your feelings, it probably wouldn’t be all that bad if I learned to be a bit more…shall we say thoughtful----considerate-----sympathetic to maybe not say all those things out loud? So….how so I manage to make my actions match my words if I am going to “filter” myself?

Sometimes I am confused as to who I have become. My projection of who I think I am and who I actually am are not matching up - my actions don't seem to match my words - seems an appropriate place to insert an eye roll of some type here.

Oblivious happiness

I once saw this picture that horrified me and made me giggle like a school girl at the same time. It was this picture of a kid’s baseball team posing for a team picture. Everyone was standing on the bleachers after what appears to be a BIG win and the kids were all facing the camera in three layers….smiling broadly….except for the one kid in the back row. It’s at the exact moment the picture was taken that this poor child in the back row projectile vomited on the first two rows of obvious happy children. The picture is snapped literally seconds before this unexpected barrage of puke douses the first two rows of children. Oblivious happiness.

Now I can only imagine what followed in those few seconds after. I imagine lots of screaming and possibly some sympathy puking by others, but for those first few seconds, no one cared. All they knew was to stand still, smile and be happy for just two seconds. It’s amazing how life changes in a blink of an eye. How many of us live life in a stupor of what we’ve convinced ourselves is happiness. How many of us have convinced ourselves that our job, our partner, our boss, our lifestyle is making us happy? It’s when one tiny thing shifts that we begin to refocus our eyes and see things - well to see them differently. To see them as they really are.

My parents were married for 20 some years. To most people who knew them, they appeared happy - well as happy as anyone with 7 kids to raise could be. They both had jobs, they appeared to have friends both socially and professionally and occasionally, we as a family appeared to be happy going on family vacations or trips to visit relatives. To most people we appeared status quo - that is until one day we weren't. At some point within that life, my father decided he no longer wanted to live this life.
Somewhere along the way he decided he was no longer going to get up, go to work, come home and do it all over again. He went on a fishing trip with friends and something compelled him to quit his life just like that. Apparently you can throw the baby out with the bath water. With no warning or explanation he simply  called my mother and told her “I never loved you, I’m not coming home.” And just like that, the life we had all known, the oblivious happiness we convinced ourselves was happening was done.

Like a band-aide being torn off, the gross underbelly of our lives were exposed for all to see. We were a broken family. It would take years and a few episodes of my father coming back deciding to “try one more time to make things work” before my parents finally and totally called it quits. It was confusing to us because we had never really seen that side of my parents. We had never really known the issues between them, the years of unhappiness, the times they had to bite their tongues and stay together "for the sake of the kids." It never occurred to us - until it did - that they were not happy. They were not in love and certainly did not want to spend another minute pretending otherwise.

To them, it was an obvious choice...and looking back, it probably was. It’s always in the looking back we are able to see things more clearly. We all became used to the way things were, oblivious to what we thought WAS happiness. How many of those situations do we each have now? Looking back over the last year – are there things you need to change? I'm fairly certain I could make a list.

Just like most people do….we live a life we think we are supposed to until one day we don’t. What makes it happen? Is it one person? Is it a conversation? Is it the feeling that you are constantly living a day in the life of that movie Ground Hog’s Day – where the person keeps reliving a situation over and over and over until they actually learn the lesson? How many moments are we living every day that we are oblivious to? How many times at work do you have to say to yourself “today is going to be a better day”? or in a relationship “I won’ t let them treat me like this anymore! I am going to stand up for what I want!” only to be waking up and experiencing that same day over and over and over to the point you thing that’s what normal is. We convince ourselves that not only are we happy but this is how it's supposed to be.

I say enough with living obliviously. It’s time we become conscious and intentional in our own world. In personal and professional ways it’s time we take the blinders off and face things head on. If they aren’t right, change them. We have the power to do that. We have the ability each and every moment to decide what our NORMAL should be. What is it going to take to for you? What do you need to clear the clutter out of your head to be able to see clearer? If you’re always fighting something, it’s pretty obvious there is a reason…your subconscious knows more that you are letting on.

Go for bold, go for real – life it too short to live life half-way. How about living HAPPILY here and now – now that’s a concept isn’t it.

Pretty in Pink

I like pink. I would say it’s my ”signature” color. It’s funny that I don’t even think about it or how much of it I actually own. I was standing in my morning fog with my coffee in hand waiting to pay for it and the cashier said to me “did you try to match your phone and your wallet to your outfit?” I sort of snapped back into reality and kind of laughed a little…..oh dear, I didn’t even realize I did that. Then someone else chimed in and said You always dress in pink. It kind of caught me off guard. I try to be sure I look decent before I leave my house and match but I didn’t realize how much of what I own IS pink. Hmm….guess I do have a signature.

I thought about trying an experiment…how long could I go before I couldn’t find anything pink to wear in my closet? I mean I have lots of color…and multi-color but the primary color IS pink. Even my favorite Coach purse is pink. I see a pattern here. It’s nice too because my good friends know my pink liking….they buy me things like a pink coffee cozy, a beautiful scarf, a coin purse even a pink sparkle pen…yes…pink AND sparkle are my colors…I feel pretty in pink.

So why is it something makes us feel better about ourselves? What is it about a good pair of shoes or outfit that just help us get to that level of feeling good about us? We don’t change….we aren’t any different but somehow the right outfit can launch us into a powerful, self-assured state of mind that can change the world. I have what I call my “girl dress”. Surprisingly it’s NOT pink…but it’s a lovely mix of coral and black with a beautiful satiny coral bow that normally I wouldn’t wear….who wants to accentuate their waist or hips? But there is something about this dress that transforms me when I magically slip it on. It’s girly and floofly and I feel like a total girl in it. I have random strangers stopping me telling me how wonderful I look, how much they LOVE my dress….and I have to say…I could have a gangly old snagle tooth and severe bed head and I would still totally ROCK that dress. It’s just one of those magical things I can’t explain - but I sure wish I had more outfits like that!

Women especially, are so hard on themselves. We judge ourselves against this preset idea of what beautiful is or more over what we’ve been taught to believe what beauty is. That we have to be this blonde, tall, thin, anorexic type of a person to be “beautiful”. Then there are those - like me - who have some life under their belt and some miles under the hood and some meat on their bones who feel like a total rock star in a dress no matter what anyone says. I remember when I bought this dress I debated spending the $19.99 on it. Yes, $19.99. I hate spending money on clothes....unless I feel like I can multi-use an outfit, like a mix or match item, I hate to spend money on one item. I know I’m totally worth it but it’s something buried deep inside me…I just have a hard time doing it.

I think it all comes down to us feeling like we know who we are. I feel confident and secure and amazing in pink…it makes me feel a little invincible. Is a color supposed to do that? Maybe…but maybe it makes me feel a little braver to go out and do things I didn’t think were possible…to make mistakes and learn. After all, you have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't – right. You take the action, and then the insight follows: you don't think your way into becoming yourself you have to figure it out along the way.

So pick a color and own it!

Where does your soul live?

Your soul is defined as the “I” part of the self. It’s what causes us to act…to be….without the soul, we would be like a light bulb but no electricity….ying without yang. Everything has a soul to sustain it, to give it significance. It’s like the engine of our life – our meaning – our purpose. It helps us create the inner identity that drives our energy and helps us express who we are and why we are here. Where does your soul live?

Does it live in the creation of your children? The connection with the perfect partner? Having the most amazing friends? Caring for the sick or injured? Taking care of animals? Where does your soul come alive?

We’ve all heard that phrase “you’re my soul mate”  - meaning the perfect other half to who we are. We all need someone to balance us out, to keep us calm in the face of chaos, happy when we are sad and to love us when we feel completely unlovable. These souls come in many forms. Some are our life partners we choose, some are our friends, some are more of a feeling or a belief bigger than ourselves….such as a god or religion or connection with something less tangible. Whatever that connection is, you need to find it and hold onto it and bring it into your everyday life.

I was reading an article on Oprah.com and this statement struck me.....and of course got me thinking - "Your soul is always at home. Home is where you feel understood – some people just have to travel to find it.”  So how is it we spend our lives, our energy fighting our “home”? How is it some people feel that connection to a place even when you may be happy where you are? We have this inner part of us that creates that feeling, this connection to a place.

I feel at home in many places - I love staying in hotels. I adore the crisp linens on the bed, the tv remote that almost never works unless your 2” from the TV, the little soaps and shampoos in the bathrooms and the towels…the super, over bleached, uber white towels. Man, I could LIVE in a hotel! I feel at home there…I like that I don’t really know anyone…the possibility of making new connections makes me happy, I like the thought of finding a connection with a random stranger…I enjoy talking to new people and finding something new and interesting about them…if not, I never have to see them again. It’s magic. It's the perfect life. You get to see and witness and be a part of something on a bigger scale. You get to eat at places you may have otherwise NEVER crossed. You meet random strangers in the airports, the hotels, the conferences - everywhere. It's a life filled with constant possibilities.
I think my soul was meant to be a traveler. I was meant to not have my feet planted anywhere….I was meant to be on the move. I think that’s why I don’t feel a connection to my space...where I now call home. Perhaps it's time to play the lottery so I might have a chance to win and then make my life be nothing BUT travel....perhaps.

In the meantime, I must teach my soul to be still and content with the here and now. Ohh boy...that's gonna be a tough one.

Rainbow Thinking

Like death and taxes, there is no escaping color - its universal. We see commercials all the time showing us on how to keep our colors bright and our whites – well….white. But how does this translate to our thinking?


How many times have you been told it’s not all black and white? I’ve always struggled with black and white thinking….all or nothing…it IS or it ISN'T. I sometimes have trouble realizing there may be something better - a middle of the road rainbow thinking. I grew up in a family that didn't really teach me that....it was always YES or NO. Maybe ALWAYS meant NO - no matter how much I prayed and hoped....maybe ALWAYS turned into NO.

So we learn black and white thinking at an early age and from many sources: family, friends, school, the dieting industry, and even society. Our parents usually told us we were "wonderful" one day, and then the next day, for whatever reason, you were suddenly "bad."  Rather than pointing out our specific strengths or weaknesses, we were simply labled as such - black and white. We're left with a simplistic kind of reasoning - good or bad. All or nothing. Always or never. Black or white.

In reality, one piece of anything doesn't make anybody fat. And fat doesn't mean bad. And just because you’re not just like everyone else, doesn’t make you less than amazing. Needing to see ourselves as perfect only causes a constant feeling of inadequacy. This is where rainbows add some relief.

Rainbows are this beautiful reaction after a bad start. Usually a rainbow appears after a storm - not always but that's when I've seen the bulk of them...is that my black and white thinking coming through? Anyway, a rainbow juts across the sky in this magnificent bolt of color. It lights up our world and our sky after the dark has cleared. Rainbows make us feel happy…like everything is going to be OK now.

Why can’t we translate this to our thinking? Rainbow thinking can be the alternative to black and white thinking. It means giving ourselves numerous options instead of limiting ourselves to only two. It means seeing all the colors of the rainbow instead of only black and white. It means having access to all our feelings and letting ourselves believe that good enough is good enough!

The color black is known as the color of authority and power. Villains such as Dracula wore black…oh sure there was the splash of red in there (red is an emotional based color that stimulates an increased heartbeat and is also the color of love) but overall, it was a sign of power. White is meant to symbolize innocence and purity. Brides wear it, I personally can’t wear it as I inevitably spill something on it that I’ll never get out…but when you put the two together, it creates the yin-yang of our life.

Yin-yang represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle is meant to represent “everything” and the black and white shapes represent the interaction of the two energies that causes everything to happen. Nothing is completely black, just as nothing is completely white – one cannot exist without the other. Yin (black) is dark, passive and cold. Yang (white) is bright, active and strong. The symbol gives the sense of continual movement of these energies and thus creates a balance; one is always there for the other. Life should be that way.

So maybe the new symbol should be rainbow colored and allow both parties to be this ball of light and energy that cannot exist without the other half. Just like anything new, rainbow thinking may be uncomfortable at first, however, after spending some time in the middle of the road getting used to being perfectly imperfect - the journey becomes much easier and more enjoyable.

Let your colors shine on.

Funny bone - not funny

Ever hit your funny bone? I personally find nothing funny about it. It's quite painful. Not even sure why it's called a funny bone. Maybe because it's pretty funny to figure out exactly how one can hit that particular part of your body spot on to extract that much pain? Still - not finding it funny.

I of course did that this morning. I was trying to get out of my car with my hands full of crap, why do I haul so much stuff with me all the time? Anyway, I was trying to get out of my car and it never fails, when your hands are full the wind will come out of no where and shove your door closed just perfectly hitting that part on your elbow that normal everyday life doesn't even touch. Yeouch. That event always wants me to swear out loud like a freaking sailor...because that helps me feel better.

I realized, if anyone is walking by my house they must think I'm a terrible person - I mean I swear out loud to myself all the time. It makes me feel better. For some reason, when your angry, a good swear word makes everything way better....well it does for me. So when I cracked my funny bone, I swore out loud....and immediately remembered I was out in public, at work and now....my dirty secret is out...I am a sailor.

So I had to figure out where the funny bone got it's name...so I googled it. The internet is a wonderful thing:

"The "funny bone" got its nickname because of that funny feeling you get after you hit it.
But your funny bone isn't actually a bone at all. Running down the inside part of your elbow is a nerve called the ulnar nerve. The ulnar nerve lets your brain know about feelings in your fourth and fifth fingers. It's also one of the nerves that controls some movement of your hand.
You get that funny feeling when the ulnar nerve is bumped against the humerus (say: hyoo-muh-rus), the long bone that starts at your elbow and goes up to your shoulder. Tapping your funny bone doesn't do any damage to your elbow, arm, or ulnar nerve."

So, if you hit it one too many times, does one lose their sense of humor?

A watched pot never boils....

or in my case, a watched toaster never toasts. It may be because the toaster her at work is the SLOWEST toaster ever invented, but it literally takes forever to toast a single slice of toast.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am kind a creature of routine. I do what works for me, mostly. I've tried to change, tried to "upgrade" my life but I can't do it, I like what I got and it works for me, so I've quit fighting it. I get up, get ready and leave....all in anticipation of that nice hot cup of coffee from our cafeteria. It's good coffee, it's Caribou, so it's not like I'm drinking some generic coffee, and it's $1.27 for a big cup. Now if I bring my own mug it's only $1.21...and I've tried, I've tried several times. I have several of those cute reusable mugs that I lose. Yes, I lose. I for some reason can not train myself to hang onto them. I either throw them away, not thinking I toss them in the trash only to remember horrifically later I did it or I leave them some place, can't remember where, or I forget them at home, at work, in my car and they begin to grow all kinds of funky things because they haven't been washed...so I get the good old disposable paper cup...yes I know...I'm not green...or earth friendly or whatever. It's who I am, I've accepted it...you might as well too. In an attempt to "help me", my bestie got me a super cute cup that was not only pink (my favorite color) but it had OUR pictures on it. So #1 if I left it behind someone could easily identify me, the owner, by my photo, and #2 who would throw out their bestie?

So I proudly use(d) it...I cleaned it too so as to not grow funkiness in my besties cup....here's the problem...I can't find it. It's not at work, it's not tumbling around in my car, it's not at home and it's not at my second job......so where in the world are the besties? Yikes...I can only imagine the adventure it's having. Hoping to find it again, but the point is, I'm a creature of habit, of routine, of what works for me. So I bring bread to toast...usually about 8:30 a.m. I get hungry...I get a rumbly in my tummy that only a slice of peanut butter toast can fill. So I take my trusty peanut butter (oh and that's a whole other story, but don't sway from what you like...I like my Smart Balance chunky peanut butter, when I try to switch, I'm always disappointed...anyway), my bread and I go to the slowest toaster in history and wait.

Here's where the "watched pot" comes into play. As I stand there mindlessly willing the toaster to toast faster there is a lot of activity in the break area where the toaster is. There are two microwaves, a refrigerator, a sink, and our mail bins all in this back break area, so there is lots of morning hub-bub. The toaster is next to the sink...seems wrong somehow doesn't it? water/electricity? But I stand there and I watch the glowing of the coils trying to cook my bread, a coworker walks in to heat water, we have a very surface level conversation about him nuking his water for tea, he is trying to save money by switching from coffee to tea.

He brings his own cup but still thinks $1.21 is too much to pay for coffee, we discuss the pros of making it at home and bringing it in as well as a thermos. He says he can't do that because he doesn't' get up early enough to make coffee. Really? It takes like 5 minutes, less time that it does for this freaking toaster to make toast, but OK, I can respect that.....so he's trying tea. OK, rock on with your bad self, I'm sticking to coffee. I then suggest setting a timer and preparing it the night before. He says can't, we are a - and he used air quotes on this phrase - "green household". Interested I ask what does that mean. He said we unplug all unnecessary appliances because it saves like $5 a month on electricity. Curious, I asked more....what? What do you consider "unnecessary"? He says things like the toaster, the blender, the coffee maker, the food processor - all things I barely even know how to use much less own, but OK. I was curious. I've not heard of that. My friend did tell me to unplug my air conditioner unit in the winter as just having it pluged in sucks energy but I thought just because it was a big old window unit. Makes sense I guess.

He leaves and then there is that awkward moment when there is someone left at the sink who apparently is washing his cup like it was soaked in fuel or buried in the ground for days. He's using one of the "high quality" paper towels that shreds the second water touches it, to scrub every nook and cranny of his reusable coffee mug. He makes some comment about why he's working so hard to clean coffee from his coffee cup and I do the polite laughter like it's funny. He makes some comment about how if we were kids we couldn't care how clean this was, that we would drop it in the sand and then just pick it up and drink from it. More polite laughter. Then I then say something like you know, if the coffee is hot enough, it will just melt the old coffee right into the new and you'll never know. He now does the polite laughter back, hesitates, then begins to scrub his cup harder. I've probably installed some new fear into him.

So when my toast is finally ready, I douse it in peanut butter and make the trek back to my desk but it makes me think about how our interactions, even for just minutes, make lasting impressions on ourselves and others. I was going through my house in my mind trying to see what I could unplug to save $5 bucks! My friend and I joke that we are "spreading our joy" when we have these interactions, but what if it's not "joy" we are leaving behind? I worry that I've caused great stress for this poor gentleman at the sink.

Maybe there is more to this world than just our little bubble. Who would have known?

Walk the path less traveled and discover who you really are

The other day I had a conversation with my bestie about expectations. We talked about how we are constantly disappointed and she wondered if we have set our own expectations too high. Do we expect others to be perfect?

This led into a long conversation about what we SHOULD expect from others, including ourselves, and I added from my job/career. Her stance was we have these expectations that we put out there and we can't possibly expect anyone else to live up to that, we can't put that on someone else. We have to understand that is not really fair to the other person. I immediately wanted to argue this point....maybe not argue, possibly "discuss". I said wait....why do we have to settle? Why do we have to compromise, to give in, to forgo what it is we say we want or need from something or someone. She "discussed" back with me...I'm not talking about settling...and from my side, it's all I could see. So we talked more about it...and her point was this:

If you are expecting a certain outcome from a situation and you don't get it, your disappointed. I agreed. So then change your expectation. I say so I should settle...I should settle for something I don't really want so the other person/thing is happy? Clearly we were not communicating. Then our time together was up. We agreed to think about it and talk again later on it....but as usual, I can't just let it go. My mind, if not otherwise occupied, continues to dwell on and "spin" and process this conversation over and over and over. It's very difficult to have a one sided conversation.

So when I woke up at 3 a.m. my mind immediately started pondering this thought again. Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself and ultimately for others? I'll use my job as an example. Four years ago I was dissatisfied with my job. I felt it was lacking any purpose. Sure I was a rock star of an Executive Assistant, always, well mostly always, the go-to person. The one with my "finger on the pulse". I got stuff done. But one day it just wasn't enough. I began to feel unproductive, unnecessary, no longer feeling like I was contributing at the level I needed to be fully engaged. I had a heart-to-heart with my boss who convinced me to get my degree. I had a 2 year degree and only 2 more years and I could have my 4 year degree. In our conversations it make me believe and trust that with a 4 year degree doors would open wide for me. My world, at least my professional world, would become this deeply satisfying and rewarding experience I needed it to be. So I went, I did and I got it.

Hmmm, here's the thing. No doors magically appeared or opened. Nothing really changed...not like I EXPECTED it to. So...I changed my expectations...I settled. I worked and changed my thinking and did everything I was supposed to do expecting an outcome that never came. Now what. OK....so my boss helped me develop into a new position....full of possibilities....so I move down that path...now 3 years later, here I am...expecting something more, something new, something outside of what has now become the norm. How do I keep trudging down paths only to find myself settling into whatever place I'm at. Am I being stubborn or blind to what it means to have no expectations of others? I don't get it.

I'm even more confused now that I try to put this into perspective in my own everyday life. Do we expect too much from the world? How do you stop? What's the difference between expecting and giving up?

Every time I start with a question, it seems to lead to more questions. Why is that?

Somebody that I used to know

Years ago I was inseparable from a friend. We lived together, we worked together, we socialized together...we were the dynamic duo...well, we were a duo. We mostly had a really good time. We became the people that hosted events, that created outings - we were the "it" set of friends that were kind of the core to a larger group. Then things changed.

For one reason or another we all decided it was time to spread our wings in all different directions and suddenly, this group was no more. At first we tried hard to keep it going, we emailed, we called, we set up outings but as time kept pulling us forward, all in different directions, it got harder and harder to stay a cohesive group. So we all sort of formed new groups, separate from the original pod that we were. We somehow, over time, have become someone I used to know...including myself. I no longer even feel like I know who I am.

It's funny really, when you think about it. Our lives were so connected. Our inner workings were so attached to each other that we knew things about each other that most people probably don't but we did. We shared out joys, our pains, our laughter.....our mocking of each other for our dumb mistakes. We had Wednesday Martini nights that left us quite hung over and in a haze just long enough for us to recover and come together again on Friday or Saturday night and again laugh and play until we had go home for some rest. I miss that connection with people. I miss the idea that I, nor anyone one really, was ever really alone. We always had some connection. If it wasn't a week day movie night or dinner appointment it was constant email chatter. I know life changes....people change....but for some reason today that moment in my life popped into my head and made me a little melancholy for the old days. I loved that time, I cherish that time, heck that even formed some of who I am today....but it's behind me....it's just something that i used to know.

Somehow the choices we make change our friendships and all the relationships in our lives. We choose to buy a new car and have expensive things so in trade we work 2/3 jobs to afford it. What do we lose in the end? Friends, time, family....connections. We choose a partner who wants something different than we do...we choose to embrace that and go with them....and we lose again. Why does it seem that we make choices only to end up losing things in the end?

A few years back I had my "year of no rules". Not gonna lie, it was good. It was damn good. I did things I never would have imagined myself doing, I went places, I saw things - I had fun....but fun always has to end. Reality came crashing in when I convinced myself I could live in that world. No one, especially no one of my age, can live a lifestyle like that. It's just not possible...so I lost. I lost out and had to choose another path, another option, another way to spend my energy and time. So I embraced it...I charged ahead vowing to make it new and different that before, tired of the same old ways. I certainly couldn't go back to the life I had before and I surly could not continue on the decadent path I had been pursuing...so I settled into a life. I got into a rhythm and I coasted...I coasted along for almost 2 years trying to convince myself I was going somewhere.

The elusive "somewhere". I wish it were pin pointed on a map so I could at least see how far off I was. What are the coordinates of "somewhere" anyway. Somewhere can't possibly be HERE. This can't be the place I end up....not that it's so terrible, but it's just not enough. It's just not a place I imagined myself.....like in a song. I imagine my life to be like the Katy Perry song Fireworks....Come on let your colors burn....I imagine my life to be like that....a firework, big and bright and amazing and shiny. Wonder how that job description would read?

I recently spent some time with my 9 year-old nephew who normally is bouncing off the walls with energy but he was this kind of quiet, introspective little man. We went to the sculptor gardens and he spend a lot of time looking at each statue, investigating them, really looking at them and he would tell me a few times "Auntie, slow down, look at this...no really look at this." It surprised me.....not just because he is a 9 year-old boy, but that he was reminding me to stop and look and to really look...not just see but to really SEE what we were looking at. I imagine if any of the artists could have overheard him they would have been over joyed at a young man really appreciating their work.

So, how did I become somebody that I used to know and how do I get it back? How do I remind myself to slow down and see what is right in front of me instead of fighting so hard for the maybe or the possible...how do you stop and settle for the what is? Maybe my nephew has that answer to?

Chasing firefly's

When I was a kid, one of my favorite things in the summer was to chase and capture firefly’s or “lightening bugs” as we used to call them. I remember finding an old mason jar, poking holes in the lid with a screw driver and then waiting. I would sit and wait for them to show themselves….to emit a tiny little flash of light and I would chase them with breathless hope, and capture them. They were now mine. They were bright and shiny and for a short time, they made me really happy. The elusive bright, shiny thing we tell ourselves we “have to have” to be happy. I remember the times I would not actually capture any and I would be heart broken. My world just didn’t seem as bright.

As we get older, we stop doing those simple things and move into something more, something bigger. Instead of chasing the elusive firefly, we chase the perfect mate, the most amazing job, the shiny car….the things we think add value to our lives when in turn, they are just something fleeting we have. We cling to these new things so hard and so long and when their bright shininess fades, we look for something new to fill it. When the perfect mate we thought would be with us forever, leaves us, or we chose to leave them, we find something shiner and new to replace it. When a job no longer fulfills our needs, our corporate hope to climb the later we find something new. We are always running after something with such abandonment that we may forget to enjoy the light it brings to us right now.

When is enough enough?

At times I wish I could go back to the simpler time in life. When it meant something to go out and play. When you learned from your friends where baby's really came from....that they didn't come from a stork or by finding a half-dollar under your pillow. Now there are video games or a million TV channels to distract and teach children more about life that they really need to know and forget about all the stuff they have access to via the Internet. Makes one's head spin. Even at my old age I learn so many things from just "surfing". I miss the simple life. When you cut your finger and became a "blood" sister with your best friend. When chasing firefly's was what was the entertainment for any night.

These days there is so much we use to distract ourselves, TV, jobs, bars, events, clubs....everything we do is to create that bigger and better life we think we need to have. How does one go back to just needing the simple things in life. The easy peasy times? I envision a life of less stress almost everyday, now just need to get me a mason jar and start enjoying.

Taking care of those you love

The other day after eating my buffet lunch I opened my fortune cookie which read "you have a strong instinct to take care of the people you love”. At first I was rather disappointed it wasn't something more profound.....more wisdom filled but then I thought “isn’t that true about everyone? Doesn’t everyone want to take care of those they love?” I realized suddenly, with great sadness, No, that’s not necessarily the truth. I mean I think we’d like it to be, but really, it’s not. Sometimes the one’s we love don’t get the best from us, the love and attention that they deserve.

In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed life, our jobs/work/careers or whatever label you want to give it, but we talked about it on a different level. I was saying how important it is for me personally, to feel needed, connected or that what I am doing was making a difference in the bigger picture or I am not feeling it...not feeling the joy of working. Then it turned to discussing how many of us get our validation and self-worth from our jobs.

Her comment was a job should never define who we are and yet I thought, it does. I know many people who work like crazy, even at the expense of their loved ones. How many people do you know that work more than they spend time with their families? It’s kind of the way we are expected to be. It’s called the "rat race" for a reason…right?

A job is defined as: a paid position of regular employment. Basically you work for money. When I have enough I’ll do what I really want to do and then I’ll be happy? Do you think having enough ever happens? Really?

The word career comes from the French word carrier, meaning: “race course”. For many that’s what a career is, an never ending race that just leaves you running towards anything meaningful to hold on to. What are we running to and ultimately running from?

I’m almost always one of the first people at work in the morning. I love this time before the office comes alive and full of the daily hub-bub. I like the quiet, the calm, the time I can do what I need to do without fighting anyone for the printer or over-hearing all the escapades of their night before. It’s quiet. I can’t even believe I am saying this, but I like the quiet during this time…..in the morning.

When the day begins you get caught up in all the daily grind of phones, emails, deadlines, meetings and the hurry up mentality that the corporate world offers. Hurry up and do this…oh wait, now we don’t want to use it or do that anymore…not go do this…but hurry. Hurry from this meeting to that meeting where we will talk things to death but never really accomplish anything....of real importance...just keep on keeping on. Ahhh, the rat race is a good place….if only there was some good cheese at the end.

So this brings me back to my original thought….taking care of those you love. I have lots of people in my life I love…and in turn I would love to and I do love to take care of them…but here's where I started thinking.....why don't we include ourselves in that? Why aren't we part of "the people we love"? I was a little surprised at myself....all I could think about was how lucky I am to have some amazing people in my life that I get to call family and friends that I would do anything for....and I do, I change my life around all the time to accommodate their wants and needs but I can't tell you the last time I've done that for ME.

Funny isn't it....we never stop to think about ourselves as being someone we should love. Hmm, perhaps a glass of wine and some good cheese is needed to ponder this more.

Perception is reality

What you see is what you believe...or at least that's what we've been taught. The old saying "Oh I'll believe it when I see it" is proof enough that in order for us to believe, we need to see with our own eyes.

Sometimes I wonder, is perception really reality? Take for instance Valentines Day. This is, after all, the day one is supposed to profess their undying love and affection for their one true love in the form of flowers/candy/dinner/or other adult like activities. But in reality, what is love?

Love - to feel something bigger than yourself. To want someones happiness as much as you want your own. To know, without a doubt, there is a mate to your soul.

So much pressure comes attached to this day. If you’re new into a relationship, it’s pure torture! Do you jump in with both feet and profess your love, attraction, intent? Do you take a casual approach? If you’re into a relationship, even more pressure. Flowers? Dinner? Sweet, sweet love? Where is the line in the sand? What do we expect from our partner and what do they expect from us?

The perception is that this day is for love, the reality is that unless your in love, falling in love or in a relationship, this day is NOT for you. If your among the many single, bitter, unloveables out there, this day blows and there are all the retail reminders to just drive it home.

At some point, a person has to take stock of their life and accept that perception is other peoples reality. If I "appear" together, happy, smart, organized, prepared....people will believe that. If I appear crazy, out of control, loud, obnoxious, people will believe that....so, perception does become reality. The question I'm asking is when does a person stop, take stock of the life they have and accept the reality. How do you quit fighting against all the things you are and just learn to live? Do we ever become accustomed to our own reality? And if so, do we then change our own perception?

Learning to live with regret

Regret, like old friends, often comes back into your life.

We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.

I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.

I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.

It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.

My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.

I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.

I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?


Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.


No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.


Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.

Furious happiness

I love things that make me laugh. I think life is better when your laughing, having fun and just overall enjoying life. I've never considered being "furiously happy". It's never crossed my mind or my thought process until I read this blog by this very funny woman....which tells the story of buying a giant metal chicken...it's the funniest thing I've ever read and frankly I so see my self and my bff doing that exact thing. But there was a link to a friends blog in there where she talked about a strapless red dress and learning to be furiously happy....here's an excerpt from her blog - http://thequeso.com/

"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies. I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be. And the more I thought about it
the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”. Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better. Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it. So she bought the dress. And then she wore it. And then she began sending the dress around to different people who needed it for whatever reason."

It's like she crawled in my head and plucked this story from my brain. Like I've been holding it, waiting for some catalyst of a moment to make it come to life. It's somewhat comforting to realize that after all, we aren't really alone. That even though we feel it, there are others who feel and experience all the same things we do. It should give me comfort to know that...but for some reason it makes me feel like....I should be doing more. Saying more. Just more.

I have these thoughts in my head swirling around and I don't act them...I think about them a lot but they don't seem to come to life like others do. I think I might have to focus on listening to my innerself a lot more.

Changing focus

Why is it so easy to find the faults in our self and in others? Why is it so easy to believe the negative things about who we are and what we do? Whose bright idea was that to give us the ability to remember verbatim the mean, unsupported, untrue (mostly) things people say about us and then own them like a second skin? What part of our brains have taken over the common sense part?

It's that time of year where you have to sit with your boss and do your review. You sit and talk and set your goals, plans, and objectives for the year. It's mostly just words on paper but sometimes I surprise myself and actually do accomplish things I've put on there. Sometimes I actually WANT to. It's also the time to get your 360 peer reviews back.

Now myself, I'm rarely surprised by these. I work with a great group of people that help when I need it, push back when necessary and tell me to sit down and shut the hell up once in a while. I'm not surprised by their comments. I know my faults. I know my downfalls, I accept them and mostly I own them.

I'm bossy, I'm stubborn, I'm confused if I don't get the whole picture. I'm a question queen. My dad used to get so angry at me...stop asking so many questions he would always bellow at me. I tend to be a little black and white or yes/no which I know I need to work on. On the positive side however, I am also a team player, I will run when necessary, sit back and watch when it's important and give 110% to everything I do. I need to know that what I do makes a difference or I don't want to do it. If you tell me to be "corporate" Dawn, I am just that. I dress the part, walk the walk and talk the talk. Inside I may be rebelling or screaming obscenities but externally, I'm playing the part. I think I know pretty well when to pull that person out...I think I've done a good job of that and mostly people tend to agree. We of course all have an off day.

Most people question me when I'm at an event where I'm "representing" my division and I'm in that role, they ask if I'm OK...why and I so "quiet". I smile and appreciate their noticing this but I stay in my role. So, overall, I feel like I've got this corporate gig down pretty good. Even my boss has commented on it....so that tells me I'm on the right track. But what I can't understand is when someone who barely knows me or works with me or has pretty much anything to do with me makes a comment that is supposed to reflect my work presence.

Case in point....the purpose of a 360 review is to get feedback from those people you work with and will continue to work with. What do I do well? What can I improve on? What other comments to you have? Pretty generic and honestly, one shouldn't really be surprised by any of these..but I was...under the what other comments do you have someone wrote "I haven't worked with Dawn enough to provide valuable input" OK...first off.....if you haven't worked with me enough why are you getting a 360 review and second if you don't have any valuable input then stop there......why go on...I mean you yourself said it wouldn't be valuable...but no...they went on....they then stated "For the few/brief times I do work with her, I'm not impressed with her professionalism". This made me pause and question WTF they are talking about?!

I mean how do you say a statement like that and not follow it up with for example she burps out loud or she picks her nose or she drinks like a man! I mean really...what does that mean? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Why, of all the things said, is that the only one I can focus on and give any attention to? Have we become so jaded in our lives and thinking that the only comments we can validate are the negative ones? Do we have the need so badly to be liked by everyone that when we aren't it sets us on a path of self-hatred and worry. What is wrong with us that we can't look at that statement, think huh...I wonder what that means and then just blow past it. No...all I can do is look at every person I pass in the hall, the elevator, the cafeteria and wonder....did you say that? If so what does it mean? Am I being unprofessional now? It's making me a little crazier than I already am. Why do we allow those any power?

I guess when I say WE I really mean ME. I don't suppose most people will give it much validation, most will be able to brush it off and move on. I mean my own boss didn't even mention it - why do I give it any validation?

Then, because it's the time of year for reviews, I had my review at my part-time gig too, again all good, all positive and overall the rating was really good except for one little comment that really wasn't my fault but I brought it up so it got written into my review that I actually did this wrong....but I didn't....and arguing about it won't change anything because it honestly doesn't matter one bit but because it's written down, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it because it's on paper and therefore now part of my file, my documentation, the only thing that will remain about me when I'm gone? Is that why I have to burn my journals when they are full? I don't want anything negative hanging around. I guess that's why everyone becomes a saint when they die....all the bad, mean, selfish things they've done just get ignored. Suddenly they have sunshine and flowers as their only reminders.

I guess I just have to accept that is what someone else thinks of me and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is. The best we can do is just make each day better than the last. All I can do is try to be the best me and if that no name can't appreciate that, its out of my control.

It's hard being an adult.

Listening to the quiet

It's in the calm quietness you will find the answers you seek. Makes me sound quite zen-like and balanced doesn't it? Well I'm not either. I'm just trying to find intention with myself.

I hate making New Year’s resolutions. It feels like a constant set-up for disappointment and failure. I know the basic rules of life: be nice to others, treat others as you wish to be treated – all the stuff you learned in kindergarten about playing nice in the sand box. I realize that as we get older we start to make our own choices as to who we are, who we think we want to be and we start walking in that direction. It’s a path of constant improvement and change.

I’m talking about the resolutions like losing weight, or finances or whatever lofty goal we try to set that often doesn’t make it past the first month. Those types of resolutions seem daunting and quite honestly, why do you have to wait for the first of the year to change that? Why not decide that in say March or August and just do it? What is so magical about the first of the year that makes us believe everything is possible?

Possibly we are still riding the high of the holiday’s…a constant sugar buzz and as we wean ourselves off the sugar, we start to come back to reality….the reality is we are responsible for our own results. Therefore, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. Instead I resolve to do a few things FOR myself that will ultimately be beneficial to those around me.

I resolve to be more patient. Not one of my strongest attributes. I grew up with the mentality that if you don’t do it, don't have it or don't say it RIGHT NOW, you won’t. End of story…a maybe is never a positive outcome. So, I have to learn to trust that maybe is sometimes what the answer has to be. I have to call on my inner strength to muster up the will power to accept maybe as an answer and be OK with it.

I resolve to spend more time with my family and friends that I have this year. I’ve spent a lot of time this year on my IAAP stuff and I’ve been working three jobs – all in all it’s good for me, but kind of leaves me isolated from my own life at the same time. So I will make some changes in other parts of my life that will help me do more of this. It’s not what we do, just that we are together, enjoying time and the connection that we obviously share. I keep looking to the future for the someday thing and I’m missing the here and now things.

I resolve to not say anything if I can’t add value. If my thoughts and my opinions aren’t going to help or add value, what’s the point of putting them out there? Meaning that I want to me more intentional in my thoughts and deeds and not just be saying and doing things hust for the sake of it. I want there to be meaning and purpose behind them and I want to add value, purpose and meaning to myself and my life.

I want to accept what is and not want more. This one is my biggest challenge. I get that we should strive for more, for better, for exception in everything we do and touch, but without a clear and purposeful meaning it’s like spinning wheels in mud…you can keep on moving teeny tiny nuggets but you won’t actually get anywhere. Accepting who I am and where I am in my own life is the place to start. This one kind of scares me because it’s really the overarching part of my very being, if I can’t do this, how can I expect to move on to anything new?

So, there it is, a new year, a new plan and new possibilities. Who knows what this year will bring.

It’s okay to look back, but it’s best not to stare.