Beautiful from the inside out

I haven’t been to a wake in a long time where the body was laid out. I always find that such a disconcerting event. It’s always sort of made me wonder why we take a loved one and dress them up to the nines and lay them out for everyone to see one last time. It’s often the best that person has looked in YEARS. I mean their hair is perfect, their makeup flawless and there is none of the everyday life stuff adding lines of stress to their faces….it’s a beauty that comes from the inside. Total and complete peace. I wonder if that's the reason it freaks me out so much, that complete and total look of peace and contentment? Have I become to cynical about life? Have we all?

I realize this display is usually for the family and friends of the person, the last time they get to be/see their loved one but it’s always sort of freaked me out a bit. I almost always expect them to sit up and say something or to yell at someone for something going on. Today is my dad’s birthday, he would have been 73. He had a hard life, mostly self-imposed, but still, it was a hard life. He wasn't happy. I don't think he was ever happy. He always wanted more, needed more but from what I could tell, always looked for the easy way to get that...which often meant more stress and work in the end.

It wore on him - and it showed. Towards the end of his life, he always wore a pained expression. He always looked as if just being alive was exhausting him to no end. He was in constant pain and I would offer a constant state of confusion because of the multiple medications he was on. He always looked like he was somewhere else - or desperately wanted to be somewhere else. When he died, it was my family who wanted to say one last good bye to him so we laid him out for all to say good bye.

What struck me at that time was the absolute and complete look of peace that he had. No longer were life’s everyday issues/concerns/pressures weighing him down. No longer were all the failures weighing him down, it was a complete and total release of all the baggage and stuff life adds…..gone…in the absence of a single breath….gone.

Recently I attend my friends mothers wake…same thing, her mother was laid out and absolutely beautiful. She was so peaceful looking. None of the last, hard days wearing her soul out showed. She was peacefully laying there for all to say good bye to one last time. Death really is beautiful. The weight of the world gone and nothing drags them down anymore. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to capture that while we are still here.

I wonder if people have the ability to do that? People like the Dalia Lama or Mother Theresa? I mean the really amazing and good people….but their life isn’t without stress and strife. They give up a lot to live the life they’ve chosen. They give up comforts and possessions and lots of things to be able to give back to the greater good but I wonder, as an every day “Joe”, can we do that? Can we live a life of carefree, stresslessness and ultimately happiness? I’d like to think so but it stresses me even more to think that at my advanced age I still don’t have that peace and contentment I thought I’d have.

What will it take? What does a soul need? Is it ever too late?

Clouds in my coffee

The clouds were amazing today. My drive into the office takes me around the lakes, it’s a relaxing way to start my day. The sunrise reflecting off the water, the ducks happily swimming lazily through the cool morning water and the challenge of avoiding the joggers and bicyclists as I make the trek in is both soothing and a way to help me get focused and centered on my day.

The storm last night that came through must have been a little more intense than I thought. I heard the rain hitting my windows but now that I’m half way in the ground (not death-wise, I have a street level apartment now) I was nestled all snug in my cave and didn’t really think much of the story, but my drive around the lakes proved me wrong. There appeared to be some strong winds that came through as the lake path was littered with downed tree branches and chunks of branches and leaves. As I dogged them, the joggers and bike riders, I realized the weather was a little more severe than I thought. Got me thinking….life is like that. When we stay all closed off in our own little bubble we don’t know what’s really going on outside of us until something forces us to see it.

The clouds this morning were interesting too….sort of 2-D. The sky was filled with these amazing white fluffy beautiful clouds scattered blissfully across the sky and seemingly not at all moving – still as night. There was this layer of darker, very fast moving clouds over them, almost racing across the morning sky whisking away all the beauty and sunlight hidden behind. It was rather distracting to see….I sat through one whole light this morning as I stared at the sky trying to figure out if they were rain clouds or just the remnants of last night’s storm moving on…finding another place to settle into.

Much like those moments in our life, the lies the unhappiness….come in and covers the goodness and light and with once you acknowledge it, it’s like they become the fast moving dark clouds, rushing past us trying to find a new place to land.

I often think of the correlation between the weather and our own lives. I mean it can be full of rainbows and butterflies and in just the blink of an eye a storm can roll in bringing destruction and chaos before you even have a chance to take cover. Life is always changing, no matter how many times you think you have it figured out, some cloud burst or ray of sunshine forces it’s way in causing us to rethink, redefine and change course.

Guess we need a really, really big umbrella.