The masks we wear

In almost every situation we wear a mask....at work, at home; in real life...we have many masks we wear. Some we choose on purpose, some we are forced to wear....it's something we learn early in life. Typically masks are the personality layer that we add and edit based on what we want to show to others. Our masks are created to hide the parts of us we don't like or to adapt to someone's version of who we are supposed to be. They are not authentic in any way and for the most part, we don't even realize the masks we wear.

This is a learned behavior....parenting and culture all take part in the early development of these masks. If you look at kids, they don't mask anything...they let you know exactly what's going on. If they are happy, sad, mad or anything...they let you know...it's as we get older and get taught that what we feel or think are not....what's the right word...acceptable...makes others uncomfortable....is wrong? Somehow we learn as we age, that what we feel must be masked, hidden, and kept out of view.

These learned skills are necessary to survive but they can stop us from being authentic or having real needs met.

For instance, if you grew up where self-control is valued and emotions are viewed as weak or wrong, you might develop a tough, nothing-can-touch-me persona that dismisses difficulties and looks down on those who show flaws. We are all flawed and vulnerable, although to different degrees, some of us are just better at hiding it than others, even to ourselves. The inability to express ourselves and show real feelings prevents us from experiencing real intimacy in relationships.

And then there is the working world....where it’s expected that we manage ourselves professionally. We are expected to be a certain way in action, deed and appearance. It's a hard mask to wear. I've almost always been a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of a person but somehow that doesn't translate well into the corporate world. I'm expected to be a certain way that in itself is confining limiting and it's exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to keep a mask in place.

Masks are the protective barrier we put up to deal with an essential human insecurity: that we are not enough as we are. Sometimes we confuse our masks with who we are. Separating the image of who we think we should be from who we want to be can be difficult and we become quite attached to the masks we wear.

We all are, well I guess I am, a social creatures, who need to belong. Belonging makes me feel connected and happy. But belonging while wearing a mask is less satisfying. One must learn to drop the mask a bit and become the true, authentic self. Being authentic is how we learn to belong on our own terms.

If you want to be authentic you need to look at your masks, you may still need to hold onto some - but you may be ready to let some go. Who do you think you are? Lift the mask. Who do you think you are now? Since the purpose of a mask is the need to be loved and accepted as we are, we need to be sure we are giving that back to others as well, thus be more authentic. You do get what you give.

There is a difference...isn't there?

I grew up in the 60's.  In those days we weren't taught the value of being true to ourselves, we weren't taught to dance to our own beat....we were taught to do what we are told, follow the same path our parents did, our grandparents and for God's sake...don't stand out!  So....where did I go wrong?

We grew up in an irish catholic (sort of - when it was convenient) household.  That meant we went to church on Sundays, not my dad of course, he worked soooo hard all week, he didn't have to go.  We had big family dinners with our extended family often and we learned the value of money early on. Because there were so many of us, we were not a family of lots of extras.  I had my first paying job at age 11 and I think I've pretty much worked since then.  I don't really ever remember a time I wasn't working. I've always wanted more...better clothes, prettier hair, toys, anything more.  It's always been a fight....I'm exhausted.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give up, let go or move on...and really...what is the difference?

Giving up to me feels like quitting, like you're throwing in the towel and just not going to do it anymore.  Kind of like a bad relationship, you give up, you stop fighting against what is real and stop pretending things are fine the way they are and you walk away, you turn the page, you give it up.  It doesn't have to be a negative thing, it just is.  I've given up on friendships, jobs, and even myself.  It's not always bad, it just means you have to stop fighting against what is. 

Letting go seems to be a more zen based option.  You surrender and trust in things. You move forward with delibert actions. You are able to know what is the truth and with your inner knowings you recognize that doenst need to continue and you turn the page and move on...letting the past be in the past and you move forward with hope and contentment towards the future.

Moving on would appear to be the final step in either situation above.  It's like the next step once you decide your course of action. It's a choice, it's like you are choosing to take a jump and not actually falling.  You can look past what is, what was and where you are and move forward, get on with it.  Shake off the past and see where the fork in the road goes.

So...what is the difference?  Is there really one?  Actually, all those steps are getting past the stuff that isn't working.  The relationship, the life, the job, the friends....everything that isn't bring you happiness and fullfillment in your current state....so I guess no matter what you want to call it, the first step is actually going to be the action. 

Change without action is pointless.

Like a Phoenix rising from the ash...

As the story goes...a phoenix is a mythical bird from Greek mythology that lives up to 100 years. Near the end of it's life, it settles into a nest and then burns furiously until it is nothing but ash and dust. From that, a fledgling new phoenix arises renewed and reborn.

So from stress and strife comes a new life.  “Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
~Fritz Williams

Although no one has died, I do feel reborn...sort of.  Water always does that for me...as does some time away from my own life.  Even though this trip I had planned, saved for and worked lots of extra hours for was tiring, it was very rejuvenating for my soul.

I would have liked to have spent more actual DOWN time but there was so much to see and do it didn't feel right to do that...so I pressed on.  I don't regret one minute of it.  What I do regret is not taking the time to really talk and get on better ground with my friend who shared this adventure with me. Life always gets in our way back home here and I was thinking we would have some really free time to talk and get better connected. We were together 24/7 and we got along fine, at least as far as I know, but there was always this sort of unspoken thing going on between us that we just kept filling with activities until we were too tired to even think...then off to sleep, aka, to regenerate ourselves and then off to do it again.  It was probably the best vacation of my life and yet I came back to my own life of chaos, clutter and emptiness only to try to pick up the pieces I so easily left behind when I closed and locked the door.

It's funny, the older I get, the less I care about the things I used to. I spend way more energy and sleepless nights on the relationships in my life then I ever did when I was younger.  When I was younger, I was like...meh, oh well, it will be better tomorrow and now I worry....what if I don't get tomorrow?  I have to deal with it now.  I feel much more anxious about the things unsettled or unfinished in my life that ever before.  I suppose that comes with the fact that we all have to face our mortality.  I mean we are all only here for a limited time...no matter how much we fight it.

I am filled with constant regret over things I didn't get done in a day, or people I didn't reach out to, or things I can't get resolved. Over lost relationships, struggling to fit into places and people's lives that I don't really...it all gets so exhausting.

This is the story of my life – especially the part about burning ferociously. Life presents me with challenging circumstances that always sort of push me to my limits. I have to fight to keep my sanity and to look at things with fresh eyes so as to not bring the old in with the new. That's hard. I know I am not alone in this, it happens to all of us at some point, it’s a part of the human journey.

I spend much of my time being busy, trying to make things happen and often, I seem to overlook what is actually happening. I guess it's time to formulate a new plan. I am tired of being frustrated and impatient. Things happen in their own time - and yet I have very little control over what happens. 

When darkness descends, joy is blotted out, buried, seemingly non-existent.

The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness.  These last month have me feeling like I've been through the fire  and not it's time to focus on what I can do to rise from the ashes:

• Let things happen.
• Give up trying to control.
• Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
• Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
• Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
• Take good care of yourself.
• Get perspective.

It's a new season and thus a time for rebirth and growth.  It's time to fly.