Learn to trust.
How does one learn to trust? It's obviously something we learn as a child, from our parents, our family, our early relationships. When you learn to trust yourself and your own abilities you can make smart decisions, you'll feel confident, self-sufficient, and empowered. Learning to trust not only yourself but others can help you stop doubting and second-guessing the decisions you've made. Such a small thing that has such a lasting effect.
Trust is both and emotional and logical. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing (trusting) they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the possibility that the person in question will act in a predictable manner. Trust is a really a bit of both. We feel trust, our emotions are associated with it.
It's like you expose your soft underbelly to the world and you have to believe that they aren't going to plunge a dagger into it. You have to trust someone enough to let them see you cry, to let them past your exterior and to let them see you naked - not only emotionally but physically. It's not easy. Some people I know have the ability to blindly trust, maybe it's not even trust, it's more like they just let people in. They have no walls, no concerns, no trust issues. They just live their lives and don't seem to overthink. Did they learn that or do they learn to ignore that little trust voice inside?
You have to trust the people you work with too. You have to trust that they have your back when you aren't there, that they are working with you, not against you and that they aren't going to throw you under the first bus that comes along. It takes time to build that kind of trust and only seconds or one dumb ass decision to break it.
Our decisions shape our world. Do we dare to create our own world or do we choose to live in a world defined and constructed by others? Who knows best what we want and need or what is right for us more than we do?
We have to learn to love and embrace our own power and to make our own decisions. It can't be something you leave up to someone else...even the Universe. It's how we make our presence felt in the world...and we all want to be felt in the world.....right?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Love/Hate
My definition of success is total self acceptance. We can obtain all of the material possessions we desire, however, attempting to change our deepest thoughts and learning to love ourselves is a monumental challenge. - Franklin RooseveltI've spent years hating lots of things about myself, I hated the way I looked, the way I acted. I hated the things I couldn't do or wasn't good at. I hated my past and the poor decisions I made and I've hated where I'm at in life. Key work here...hated. I actually think I've moved on from the hating stage to....dare I say it....love stage!?
I still haven't figured life out completely, nobody ever really does do they, but I what I did figure out is that I had to find a way to live with myself if I was ever going to be truly happy. It's funny how something so simple can change your life. Simple thoughts, simple changes....simple. Why do we make things so hard on ourselves?
Everybody says that you can't find love until you love yourself. Love is a gift we give to others but for some reason we often withhold it from ourselves. We aren't perfect and we know it. Most of us are aware of every single flaw we possess, and while we may be able to overlook those flaws in the ones we love, they seem to be all we see when we look in the mirror. It would be so much easier to love ourselves if we could change those things we don't like.
Simple changes. Sometimes a thought can change things.
My message from the Universe was this today:
Did you know,that whenever you feel love, you literally begin to glow? You probably did. But did you know that the glowing is actually made up of zillions of minute sparkles? And that these sparkles receive as much energy as they create? And that because of this energy exchange you completely stop aging and look younger? Abundance is immediately drawn to you? Healing powers fill you? Muscles are strengthened, pounds are shed, and your vision improves? Lingering questions are answered? New friends are summoned? Old friends are poked? Problems are solved? And maple syrup tastes more maple-y?
All when you feel love.
It's true -
The Universe
Maybe the key to happiness is love??? A simple four letter word. Oh and I like the sparkles part too. Who doesn't like sparkles!?
Hmmm...worth a try isn't it?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Always trust your cape
I remember as a kid being so anxious to become an adult, to live my own life...to be on my own. I couldn't wait to have my own house, my own car, my own everything. I thought then I'll really live, I'll do all the things I ever wanted and I'll never let anyone tell me what to do again. What a funny thought when you really think about it. We begin life being told what to do, to be, to think, to feel and as we age we fight against it. We almost become everything opposite of what we grew up learning. We fight to find our own voice, our own values and beliefs and now as an adult I feel even more confused about things that ever.
I kind of want someone to tell me what to do again, what to be, maybe even a little bit what to think and how to feel. I really want someone to make me dinner and draw me a bath but that's a whole other issue! Maybe as I even write this, I think I'm far to stubborn to really turn that entire process over to someone else but it's a freeing thought. It's hard when you have to life life all on your own. Work has been in such a manic mode lately and much of my life too, but the fact that work is so disorganized and led by such dysfunctional people makes it really hard to feel any sense of accomplishment at the end of a day. Needless to say I will be so happy when the end of this week finally gets here and I have some control over my work life again.
On my quote board I wrote "who ever you don't kill makes you stronger" - yeah a little to the point but I like it. Someone suggested I change it to "always trust your cape". I asked what does that mean and she said there is a song by some jazz dude called Keb Mo called that and it talks about trusting that things will work out. So I of course googled it...he's really got a very cool voice, now I must have some music by him, but I did look up the lyrics to the song.
The lyrics go like this: "Be one of those who knows that life Is just a leap of faith. Spread your arms and hold your breath and always trust your cape."
Life is just a leap of faith. Hold your breath.....I think I wrote recently about learning to breath and now this is saying hold your breath and leap. Maybe it's all about breath one way or the other...your either breathing or not...either way it's about letting it go.....right?
I wonder if we need different "capes" for different parts of our life? A cape of armor for work so you don't get chewed up and spit out all day long, a cape of rainbows and puffy clouds for the rest of your life? I used to have a cape....it was a green shiny material....it was a made for me as a joke. A lady I worked with made it for me with a giant CG on it....stood for Clerical Girl! I always felt like that was my role, I was always the "go to" person for any of the crap work/jobs that needed to be done because people knew I could and would do it. Somehow that turned into my job....my life....well maybe not so much my life but it sure is my job. Any of the crap people don't feel like doing themselves or have the "time" to do they seem to think is something I should do because it "adds value" to my own job by doing it. Whatever. Just once I want to have a job that is something more than a dumping post - something that gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I seem to get that often from part-time jobs I hold....never seem to get it from my full-time gig. Wonder why that is. I felt that way when I worked at Ulta (your beauty destination) and I really feel that at the ET, I feel like what I do makes a difference to people. I want my real job to feel that way too. I guess only I can make that happen.
How do you know when it's time to move on? Are there clear signs you seem to ignore until it smacks you in the face or is there one moment in time that the straw literally breaks the camel's back and you realize it's over, it's time. Do you finally see some door that you never saw before? It's a choice I realize....and really one choice, just one, can change your life forever. Your life today is what your choices have made it, but with new choices, you can change directions this very moment. For me, that idea alone is really scary and at the same time, really powerful. It offers tremendous hope and excitement. I could be sitting on a life-changing choice right now...is it to switch careers, continue on in grad school, to stop drinking (umm no!), adopt a child, to start a business, so many choices....am I brave enough to make any of them?
I need someone/thing to guide me... to take me by then hand and walk with me down a path - why is that a bad thing? Maybe as we get older we revert back to a kid and we wait for someone to tell us what to do, who to be and where to go? Maybe that is The Universe? Maybe it's us?
Where's a girls cape when she really needs it?
I kind of want someone to tell me what to do again, what to be, maybe even a little bit what to think and how to feel. I really want someone to make me dinner and draw me a bath but that's a whole other issue! Maybe as I even write this, I think I'm far to stubborn to really turn that entire process over to someone else but it's a freeing thought. It's hard when you have to life life all on your own. Work has been in such a manic mode lately and much of my life too, but the fact that work is so disorganized and led by such dysfunctional people makes it really hard to feel any sense of accomplishment at the end of a day. Needless to say I will be so happy when the end of this week finally gets here and I have some control over my work life again.
On my quote board I wrote "who ever you don't kill makes you stronger" - yeah a little to the point but I like it. Someone suggested I change it to "always trust your cape". I asked what does that mean and she said there is a song by some jazz dude called Keb Mo called that and it talks about trusting that things will work out. So I of course googled it...he's really got a very cool voice, now I must have some music by him, but I did look up the lyrics to the song.
The lyrics go like this: "Be one of those who knows that life Is just a leap of faith. Spread your arms and hold your breath and always trust your cape."
Life is just a leap of faith. Hold your breath.....I think I wrote recently about learning to breath and now this is saying hold your breath and leap. Maybe it's all about breath one way or the other...your either breathing or not...either way it's about letting it go.....right?
I wonder if we need different "capes" for different parts of our life? A cape of armor for work so you don't get chewed up and spit out all day long, a cape of rainbows and puffy clouds for the rest of your life? I used to have a cape....it was a green shiny material....it was a made for me as a joke. A lady I worked with made it for me with a giant CG on it....stood for Clerical Girl! I always felt like that was my role, I was always the "go to" person for any of the crap work/jobs that needed to be done because people knew I could and would do it. Somehow that turned into my job....my life....well maybe not so much my life but it sure is my job. Any of the crap people don't feel like doing themselves or have the "time" to do they seem to think is something I should do because it "adds value" to my own job by doing it. Whatever. Just once I want to have a job that is something more than a dumping post - something that gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I seem to get that often from part-time jobs I hold....never seem to get it from my full-time gig. Wonder why that is. I felt that way when I worked at Ulta (your beauty destination) and I really feel that at the ET, I feel like what I do makes a difference to people. I want my real job to feel that way too. I guess only I can make that happen.
How do you know when it's time to move on? Are there clear signs you seem to ignore until it smacks you in the face or is there one moment in time that the straw literally breaks the camel's back and you realize it's over, it's time. Do you finally see some door that you never saw before? It's a choice I realize....and really one choice, just one, can change your life forever. Your life today is what your choices have made it, but with new choices, you can change directions this very moment. For me, that idea alone is really scary and at the same time, really powerful. It offers tremendous hope and excitement. I could be sitting on a life-changing choice right now...is it to switch careers, continue on in grad school, to stop drinking (umm no!), adopt a child, to start a business, so many choices....am I brave enough to make any of them?
I need someone/thing to guide me... to take me by then hand and walk with me down a path - why is that a bad thing? Maybe as we get older we revert back to a kid and we wait for someone to tell us what to do, who to be and where to go? Maybe that is The Universe? Maybe it's us?
Where's a girls cape when she really needs it?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Having a ball!
Really enjoying my life right now. Realized it yesterday as I pondered things.
Had a super fun, COLD weekend - don't think I warmed up until last last night. Then yesterday I had a day like I haven't had in MONTHS! Ended up not having to go into work (they were still now ready for me) and so I was super lazy alllll day...seriously...didn't do a blessed thing. This week is going to be really hectic and my note from the Universe said this:
Isn't that great! I love Facebook, I love pictures and I am really ready to have a ball and have the year of my life. All good things. Plus my horoscope from yesterday said this:
Messages...they are everywhere. I guess all one has to do is stop long enough to hear them. Hoping what they say are true.....there has been a lot of work leading up to this week and if I don't kill anyone today it's all good.....right?
Was golfing on the ice on Saturday with some new friends...had a blast. It's nice to be with people who just have fun, enjoy each other's company and accept the newbie in the group. It's funny though when you are in a bar and are sober and watching the drunk people. It wasn't even 6 o'clock and there were some pretty loaded people....I'm betting they had a "lazy" day on Sunday as well.
One interesting thing did happen.....the bar was packed and you had to sort of squeeze by people and as I squeezed by this girl who had just gotten up off her knee's as her friend poured a pitcher of beer in her mouth (yes a pitcher!) she looked at me grabbed ahold of both "girls" and said..."Man you have really nice boobs!" How does one react to that? I mean really it was a compliment.....and then several others around her, both men and women, commented on them as well. I'm not gonna lie...it was a proud moment for me and the "girls"!
Sometimes a girl just needs to hear nice things. Right?
Had a super fun, COLD weekend - don't think I warmed up until last last night. Then yesterday I had a day like I haven't had in MONTHS! Ended up not having to go into work (they were still now ready for me) and so I was super lazy alllll day...seriously...didn't do a blessed thing. This week is going to be really hectic and my note from the Universe said this:
I don't like to make predictions, but the way things are going, I wouldn't be at all surprised if this year you have a ball, go to a ball... and put the pics up on Facebook. You are so poised for the time of your life - The Universe
Isn't that great! I love Facebook, I love pictures and I am really ready to have a ball and have the year of my life. All good things. Plus my horoscope from yesterday said this:
You have enjoyed time on your own, but this week you return to a state of blissfull interdependence. You're a relationship-type person at heart and it makes you feel fulfilled to have a purpose in another person's life.
Messages...they are everywhere. I guess all one has to do is stop long enough to hear them. Hoping what they say are true.....there has been a lot of work leading up to this week and if I don't kill anyone today it's all good.....right?
Was golfing on the ice on Saturday with some new friends...had a blast. It's nice to be with people who just have fun, enjoy each other's company and accept the newbie in the group. It's funny though when you are in a bar and are sober and watching the drunk people. It wasn't even 6 o'clock and there were some pretty loaded people....I'm betting they had a "lazy" day on Sunday as well.
One interesting thing did happen.....the bar was packed and you had to sort of squeeze by people and as I squeezed by this girl who had just gotten up off her knee's as her friend poured a pitcher of beer in her mouth (yes a pitcher!) she looked at me grabbed ahold of both "girls" and said..."Man you have really nice boobs!" How does one react to that? I mean really it was a compliment.....and then several others around her, both men and women, commented on them as well. I'm not gonna lie...it was a proud moment for me and the "girls"!
Sometimes a girl just needs to hear nice things. Right?
Friday, January 23, 2009
The magic... no wait - the mystery of the Universe
Sometimes we just have to sit still and breath to hear the messages the Universe is constantly throwing at us. Sitting still is not something I've ever been good at. I find it hard to process all the chatter in my brain if I'm not doing something. That's why I think I have a hard time sleeping - once I finally stop my day and try to go to sleep my brain seems to kick into manic mode and it fills my brain with all this....chatter, thoughts, what if situations. It's hard to shut it down.
Three bits of news hit me this morning....1 - three months from today is my birthday 2 - five months from today I graduate 3 - your parent diagnosed with a terminal illness effects you more than you want to let it.
Life is full of constant moving parts. Sometimes it's really hard to keep things moving in one direction long enough to get anywhere. The only thing we can count on is the inconsistency of life. Nothing stays the same for very long....haven't figured out if that's good or bad.
Twice yesterday I heard things that at the time didn't seem like anything until I got home and was soaking in a tub of bubbles (nothing beats a really warm bubble bath to wash away the day) and processed everything. My work/home/personal life has been a whirl wind of activity the past few weeks with my move, school, major meetings and mishaps with meetings and things don't show signs of slowing until next Thursday the 29th. That's ok...I would rather be busy than bored, rather feel needed than out of the loop....rather be an asset than a liability (that's a little accounting/finance talk for you!) . As I soaked away the day in my new pad (same size tub though...boo!) I re-played the day over in my head and tried to process the messages I heard at work.
Of course the re-org touched my dept. just a bit and we heard yesterday officially for the first time from our newly assigned top Executive Vice Pres. She shared at our quarterly Division meeting her plans for our area on a really high level and she detailed her style and background so we kinda get a snapshot of what she is bringing to the table. I like her, she has a very diverse interesting background and I think it will be an interesting partnership with our areas. She is the head of the General Counsel's Office (GCO) and somehow the Communications area where I work, got shifted under her control. No one quite knows how this will all pan out or what it will mean in terms of jobs, they tell us to be patient and to keep on doing what we have been doing and that they hope to make some decisions by next month....so we wait....and we wonder and we continue with business as usual.
As we wait I try not to question too much...I figure at this point it's just safer to keep on keeping on. At the meeting, the talk turned to stress management...that these are trying times not only in our economy but in our work life. In our area especially, as people leave and positions are re-evaluated and then not filled, the work load grows and changes daily. The only constant thing is change. They gave us websites and suggestions on ways to deal with stress....which kind of stressed me out more to think now I have to figure out ways to handle stress..ugh.
Anyway, you know I love me my quotes...and here is one she shared with us "It isn't the changes that do you in; it's the transition". She went on to talk about how the transition is really the letting go of something. Letting go of something, anything quite honestly, is something I've never been very good at. The letting go is something I just don't get. I've gotten better at letting things roll off of me but letting go is still something I need to focus on. Whether it's the letting go of your identity or how you connect with that particular thing....letting go is hard. Once you decide what to let go of the world gets more complicated. You feel out of place, disconnected and out of your comfort zone. You begin to ask a lot of questions and that's when that old self doubt comes into play. Is it me? Am I good enough? What's wrong with me?
What story do we begin to weave for our self? Change effects all of us and as we change and we have to learn to accept the change and thus learn to deal with the transitions. When we do this we leave behind a sort of hand print or a marker of where we've been. As we grow and move on we leave little pieces of us behind. Is it possible to leave too much of us behind? Is it possible to move on so fast and so far that we don't even remember where we started?
The Universe knows what we need and it tries to guide us with people, messages, events that it puts in our path. When we veer off course the Universe has a way of "course correcting" us. It gives us what we need to be where we need to be - right? That's what I'm banking on. I think all I have to do is just breath and relax. Ahh, the joys of a bubble bath.
Where is all of this leading me in my job? What does this mean for me personally? How do I learn to deal with the poor relationship I have with my dad and is it too late or worth it to try to mend it...at least on my end? I don't know. I just know I can't control the ride, all I can do is hang on tight and see where I end up.
One of my favorite things I own right now came from my friend Troy, a bracelet that simply says "it is what it is".
That's all we have....come on Universe, I'm waiting on a "course correction" anytime.
Three bits of news hit me this morning....1 - three months from today is my birthday 2 - five months from today I graduate 3 - your parent diagnosed with a terminal illness effects you more than you want to let it.
Life is full of constant moving parts. Sometimes it's really hard to keep things moving in one direction long enough to get anywhere. The only thing we can count on is the inconsistency of life. Nothing stays the same for very long....haven't figured out if that's good or bad.
Twice yesterday I heard things that at the time didn't seem like anything until I got home and was soaking in a tub of bubbles (nothing beats a really warm bubble bath to wash away the day) and processed everything. My work/home/personal life has been a whirl wind of activity the past few weeks with my move, school, major meetings and mishaps with meetings and things don't show signs of slowing until next Thursday the 29th. That's ok...I would rather be busy than bored, rather feel needed than out of the loop....rather be an asset than a liability (that's a little accounting/finance talk for you!) . As I soaked away the day in my new pad (same size tub though...boo!) I re-played the day over in my head and tried to process the messages I heard at work.
Of course the re-org touched my dept. just a bit and we heard yesterday officially for the first time from our newly assigned top Executive Vice Pres. She shared at our quarterly Division meeting her plans for our area on a really high level and she detailed her style and background so we kinda get a snapshot of what she is bringing to the table. I like her, she has a very diverse interesting background and I think it will be an interesting partnership with our areas. She is the head of the General Counsel's Office (GCO) and somehow the Communications area where I work, got shifted under her control. No one quite knows how this will all pan out or what it will mean in terms of jobs, they tell us to be patient and to keep on doing what we have been doing and that they hope to make some decisions by next month....so we wait....and we wonder and we continue with business as usual.
As we wait I try not to question too much...I figure at this point it's just safer to keep on keeping on. At the meeting, the talk turned to stress management...that these are trying times not only in our economy but in our work life. In our area especially, as people leave and positions are re-evaluated and then not filled, the work load grows and changes daily. The only constant thing is change. They gave us websites and suggestions on ways to deal with stress....which kind of stressed me out more to think now I have to figure out ways to handle stress..ugh.
Anyway, you know I love me my quotes...and here is one she shared with us "It isn't the changes that do you in; it's the transition". She went on to talk about how the transition is really the letting go of something. Letting go of something, anything quite honestly, is something I've never been very good at. The letting go is something I just don't get. I've gotten better at letting things roll off of me but letting go is still something I need to focus on. Whether it's the letting go of your identity or how you connect with that particular thing....letting go is hard. Once you decide what to let go of the world gets more complicated. You feel out of place, disconnected and out of your comfort zone. You begin to ask a lot of questions and that's when that old self doubt comes into play. Is it me? Am I good enough? What's wrong with me?
What story do we begin to weave for our self? Change effects all of us and as we change and we have to learn to accept the change and thus learn to deal with the transitions. When we do this we leave behind a sort of hand print or a marker of where we've been. As we grow and move on we leave little pieces of us behind. Is it possible to leave too much of us behind? Is it possible to move on so fast and so far that we don't even remember where we started?
The Universe knows what we need and it tries to guide us with people, messages, events that it puts in our path. When we veer off course the Universe has a way of "course correcting" us. It gives us what we need to be where we need to be - right? That's what I'm banking on. I think all I have to do is just breath and relax. Ahh, the joys of a bubble bath.
Where is all of this leading me in my job? What does this mean for me personally? How do I learn to deal with the poor relationship I have with my dad and is it too late or worth it to try to mend it...at least on my end? I don't know. I just know I can't control the ride, all I can do is hang on tight and see where I end up.
One of my favorite things I own right now came from my friend Troy, a bracelet that simply says "it is what it is".
That's all we have....come on Universe, I'm waiting on a "course correction" anytime.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Lessons from LOST
I love the TV show LOST. I have watched it faithfully from day one and I love the idea that we just don't know what is going on or what is going to happen next. It constantly surprises me. Writers are freaking amazing people. The stuff that comes out of their heads...makes me really jealous. As I was watching the 1 hour recap of the first four years before the awesome season premiere I was taken back at how much LOST is kinda like real life in a way.
I mean these people are stuck on this island forced to keep living a life they tried to get away from. I never really got that before until the preview show. One character was an murder (assassin) in his real life and on the island, he tries to fight who he is, but he turns back into that person. It's almost like that is all he knows, that is who he is. Isn't that what we are doing in our everyday life...we try to fight what we are but eventually we give into who we really are? We wander around looking for our path only to find out one day that maybe we were on it the whole time and once we stop fighting it we find out....wait...this is where I am suppose to be. This is who I am suppose to be.
Weird...are we all "lost"? Maybe those writers are so much smarter than I am even giving them credit for...I think there needs to be a taller pedestal for me to prop them up on.
I was talking to my friend Eric yesterday about life and what a person really wants out of it and we had this discussion regarding the difference between being alone and being single. It's funny how differently people interpret those words. I think too that men and women interpret them differently too. I guess I'm not sure which I want or don't want if I really think about them.
Being single seems to have such a negative stigma attached to it...makes me feel like if your single you belong on the island of misfit toys....no one wants you....it's not a choice, it's lonely and horrible and maybe you should go live on an island. The reality is though it's not...and mostly it is a choice people make - at least it's a choice I am making. Being alone...that's different. That makes me think I have to get a lot of cats and hope I don't die so they end up chewing off my arm before anyone finds me after I've been dead for a week. Irrational? Probably.
Hmm....look what I am learning in this new year. Everything isn't always as it appears. Well that I knew....I'm pretty good with a makeup brush and clothes...but take all that away and I think anyone would be surprised at what lies there...but that's another issue. :)
My message from the Universe today was this:
When in doubt show up early. Think less. Feel more. Ask once. Give
thanks often. Expect the best. Appreciate everything. Never give up.
Make it fun. Lead. Invent. Regroup. Wink. Chill. Smile. And live as if
your success was inevitable, and so it shall be.
When in doubt....kinds feel like that is where I spent alot of time.....in the old doubt river. I like the think less feel more part. That really ties in with my new years plan.....think less feel more. Maybe I should make a t-shirt!
Being single or being alone...being alone is something I have always railed against. I don't like living alone, eating alone, sleeping alone.....being alone......and I don't know that I will ever like it. I know I've grown used to it and accepted it but it doesn't mean I have to like it. We don't have to like what we don't like...right? I know not a lot of people get this but - I like having someone else around, not necessarily by my side but around, in my space, in my life....someone I know is always there no matter what.....but I want them to be there by choice...to want to be there...not because they have to or feel like that have to. Make sense?
Wow, look all that I got out of watching the TV? Maybe my friend Dan is onto something? He is a TV God!
I mean these people are stuck on this island forced to keep living a life they tried to get away from. I never really got that before until the preview show. One character was an murder (assassin) in his real life and on the island, he tries to fight who he is, but he turns back into that person. It's almost like that is all he knows, that is who he is. Isn't that what we are doing in our everyday life...we try to fight what we are but eventually we give into who we really are? We wander around looking for our path only to find out one day that maybe we were on it the whole time and once we stop fighting it we find out....wait...this is where I am suppose to be. This is who I am suppose to be.
Weird...are we all "lost"? Maybe those writers are so much smarter than I am even giving them credit for...I think there needs to be a taller pedestal for me to prop them up on.
I was talking to my friend Eric yesterday about life and what a person really wants out of it and we had this discussion regarding the difference between being alone and being single. It's funny how differently people interpret those words. I think too that men and women interpret them differently too. I guess I'm not sure which I want or don't want if I really think about them.
Being single seems to have such a negative stigma attached to it...makes me feel like if your single you belong on the island of misfit toys....no one wants you....it's not a choice, it's lonely and horrible and maybe you should go live on an island. The reality is though it's not...and mostly it is a choice people make - at least it's a choice I am making. Being alone...that's different. That makes me think I have to get a lot of cats and hope I don't die so they end up chewing off my arm before anyone finds me after I've been dead for a week. Irrational? Probably.
Hmm....look what I am learning in this new year. Everything isn't always as it appears. Well that I knew....I'm pretty good with a makeup brush and clothes...but take all that away and I think anyone would be surprised at what lies there...but that's another issue. :)
My message from the Universe today was this:
When in doubt show up early. Think less. Feel more. Ask once. Give
thanks often. Expect the best. Appreciate everything. Never give up.
Make it fun. Lead. Invent. Regroup. Wink. Chill. Smile. And live as if
your success was inevitable, and so it shall be.
When in doubt....kinds feel like that is where I spent alot of time.....in the old doubt river. I like the think less feel more part. That really ties in with my new years plan.....think less feel more. Maybe I should make a t-shirt!
Being single or being alone...being alone is something I have always railed against. I don't like living alone, eating alone, sleeping alone.....being alone......and I don't know that I will ever like it. I know I've grown used to it and accepted it but it doesn't mean I have to like it. We don't have to like what we don't like...right? I know not a lot of people get this but - I like having someone else around, not necessarily by my side but around, in my space, in my life....someone I know is always there no matter what.....but I want them to be there by choice...to want to be there...not because they have to or feel like that have to. Make sense?
Wow, look all that I got out of watching the TV? Maybe my friend Dan is onto something? He is a TV God!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Boys Club
Corporate American is interesting. It's still primarily a man's place and it's interesting to me to be a part of this "inside" circle. We are preparing for this major meeting next week and add to that a major meeting due to a recently announced re-org of a major part of our company add to that several presentations needed for RFO (Regional Financial Offices) meetings that are due at the end of January and mama is playing with the big boys. Not only that but I am freaking exhausted!
I've been wearing my fingers to the bone creating Power Points (umm...AMAZING power points I might add!) and preparing meeting rooms, inviting hundreds of people, making sure the technology works (minus a few cords shorting out!) and all the while playing nice with the mucky mucks that run this place. It's a strange feeling to be standing talking to the CEO, COO, EVP's and the heads of the company about things and then the small talk begins. Things like golfing or sports (neither of which I do...or have very much knowledge of) and pretending like I care at all about any of that is really hard. I just want to be lying on a beach someplace drinking a fruity drink! I usually smile and nod, something my boss taught me, and once in awhile throw in a "how about those twins" comment just so I seem like I care.
Making small talk has never been a problem for me and I am not often intimidated by people but it's hard to find something in common to talk to these people about when I can tell the suit they are wearing probably costs as much as my new sofa did. I'm not a mucky muck kind of person. I don't mind talking or working with these people but to try to find that common ground....it's a little challenging. They have all been really nice and none of them treat me like I'm anything less but it's just a different connection. Can't really see myself hanging with them.
It's also time for our reviews at work and it always gives me a pit in my stomach....not because I'm expecting anything bad, I know my own faults, but it always makes me re-think my working in corporate America. It makes me question how much of the game I really want to engage in to get a paycheck. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just do something fun, fluffy, easy like work at a craft store or a pizza place....but I suppose there are rules there too. Everything always seems to come back to rules for me. I clearly have some issue with them and yet they are important. I have the self imposed rules I put on myself and try to force myself to live by. I really need to break myself of this. 2009....the year of no rules. Hmmm, maybe I can incorporate that into my thinking.
There is this guy at work who really seems to just live his life flat out in the open for anyone to see. I kind of admire that and wish I could be more like that but I'm always feeling like I have to sensor myself, that I have to learn what the rules are and stay inside this box that I've created. I want to live outside the box, I want to take chances, push the envelope and see what the Universe has to offer me....how do you learn to do that?
One thing in my review that surprised me was the comments that came from other people, I didn't get to see them all but there was a clear message that was shared that people seem to really like working with me. That kind of surprised me....not because I think I'm a terrible employee or co-worker but that others really seemed to notice all that I do....it was kind of refreshing and reaffirming that I do like who I have created as my corporate me....although it always needs some fine tuning.
Also been thinking alot lately about what I want to do when my degree is done.....is it time to start thinking outside my bubble?
See....I do need a wife!!!!!
I've been wearing my fingers to the bone creating Power Points (umm...AMAZING power points I might add!) and preparing meeting rooms, inviting hundreds of people, making sure the technology works (minus a few cords shorting out!) and all the while playing nice with the mucky mucks that run this place. It's a strange feeling to be standing talking to the CEO, COO, EVP's and the heads of the company about things and then the small talk begins. Things like golfing or sports (neither of which I do...or have very much knowledge of) and pretending like I care at all about any of that is really hard. I just want to be lying on a beach someplace drinking a fruity drink! I usually smile and nod, something my boss taught me, and once in awhile throw in a "how about those twins" comment just so I seem like I care.
Making small talk has never been a problem for me and I am not often intimidated by people but it's hard to find something in common to talk to these people about when I can tell the suit they are wearing probably costs as much as my new sofa did. I'm not a mucky muck kind of person. I don't mind talking or working with these people but to try to find that common ground....it's a little challenging. They have all been really nice and none of them treat me like I'm anything less but it's just a different connection. Can't really see myself hanging with them.
It's also time for our reviews at work and it always gives me a pit in my stomach....not because I'm expecting anything bad, I know my own faults, but it always makes me re-think my working in corporate America. It makes me question how much of the game I really want to engage in to get a paycheck. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just do something fun, fluffy, easy like work at a craft store or a pizza place....but I suppose there are rules there too. Everything always seems to come back to rules for me. I clearly have some issue with them and yet they are important. I have the self imposed rules I put on myself and try to force myself to live by. I really need to break myself of this. 2009....the year of no rules. Hmmm, maybe I can incorporate that into my thinking.
There is this guy at work who really seems to just live his life flat out in the open for anyone to see. I kind of admire that and wish I could be more like that but I'm always feeling like I have to sensor myself, that I have to learn what the rules are and stay inside this box that I've created. I want to live outside the box, I want to take chances, push the envelope and see what the Universe has to offer me....how do you learn to do that?
One thing in my review that surprised me was the comments that came from other people, I didn't get to see them all but there was a clear message that was shared that people seem to really like working with me. That kind of surprised me....not because I think I'm a terrible employee or co-worker but that others really seemed to notice all that I do....it was kind of refreshing and reaffirming that I do like who I have created as my corporate me....although it always needs some fine tuning.
Also been thinking alot lately about what I want to do when my degree is done.....is it time to start thinking outside my bubble?
See....I do need a wife!!!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Do overs
Do you ever wish you could have a rewind button on life? That would be kinda cool, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't abuse it....really I won't! I can imagine that a big old redo button could make things way easier for everyone! I've been joking with some friends saying I need do over on New Years. I had great expectations for the begining of this new year that just didn't happen. I didn't get to do the count down, sing the song or take that first cleansing breath of the new year filled with hope and possibilities of all the time that was laid out before me....nothing....granted it was my own fault....a little too much celebrating too early but none the less....I feel cheated! I need a do over....or as my freind calls it a Mulligans New Year!
Whatever....its a do over....rewind, take 2, a new chapter. Thankfully my friends agree and support a do over...now I have hope again. Hope that I can start the year......with a minor delay but regardless...it will be a happy new year. I'm ready! I've actually been ready for 20 days now but between work, school and life the start seems to be on the back burner. I have a list full of things to be checked off and frankly time is racing by! I will get to check one thing off this weekend when I go golfing on the ice...too bad it won't involve ice fishing because then I could actually check 2 things off!! I really think the key to a new beginning is the count down AND the song.....that's what I'm banking on!
I am involved in the planning and execution of a major meeting next week that has everyone running in circles and jumping through hoops and overall being slightly insane but I can deal with it. There are people that walk by me and say I'm going here do you need anything and my standard smart ass reply has been....yeah see if they have the last 3 years of my life on clearance. We laugh but really, as I think about it, would I want those back? Would I want a do over on them? I have done a lot in the last three years I'm not sure I'd like to do again or frankly over....they've been ok.
I've began the process of re-creating who I am...literally from the the inside out. This June will be 3 years ago that I had my surgery.....down 165lbs and I feel fantastic. Wish I were skinnier but hey, I am what I am. I got rid of some old relationships, some old baggage and most recently some old material possesions. I was president of my admin group, I learned lots of new things like belly dancing and how to create scatter graphs in Power Point, I started down a path that led me to some fun new friends (ET rules!) and I started and am almost done with school. That's a lot in 3 years.....would I want a redo on any or all of that....I don't think so.
We are on a path in life that we may not understand as we travel it. I find the longer I stay moving and changing and shifting the more I can look back and realize it is worth it. It doesn't always feel ike that while we are on the path and traveling down a road but looking back over the last three years I see it. I don't know why I doubt myself so much. Why do we put so much extra stress on ourselves when we don't really need to? I like my life, I like my path...it may not be the right one, the final one or even a real path but for right now I will take it. I don't want a do over....not on the big picture...certain moments....certain days.....certain events - hell yeah.
I am getting my new New Years! I am playing poker and eating chocolate covered strawberries and drinking champagne when the clock strikes 12 and by God....there will be singing!
Whatever....its a do over....rewind, take 2, a new chapter. Thankfully my friends agree and support a do over...now I have hope again. Hope that I can start the year......with a minor delay but regardless...it will be a happy new year. I'm ready! I've actually been ready for 20 days now but between work, school and life the start seems to be on the back burner. I have a list full of things to be checked off and frankly time is racing by! I will get to check one thing off this weekend when I go golfing on the ice...too bad it won't involve ice fishing because then I could actually check 2 things off!! I really think the key to a new beginning is the count down AND the song.....that's what I'm banking on!
I am involved in the planning and execution of a major meeting next week that has everyone running in circles and jumping through hoops and overall being slightly insane but I can deal with it. There are people that walk by me and say I'm going here do you need anything and my standard smart ass reply has been....yeah see if they have the last 3 years of my life on clearance. We laugh but really, as I think about it, would I want those back? Would I want a do over on them? I have done a lot in the last three years I'm not sure I'd like to do again or frankly over....they've been ok.
I've began the process of re-creating who I am...literally from the the inside out. This June will be 3 years ago that I had my surgery.....down 165lbs and I feel fantastic. Wish I were skinnier but hey, I am what I am. I got rid of some old relationships, some old baggage and most recently some old material possesions. I was president of my admin group, I learned lots of new things like belly dancing and how to create scatter graphs in Power Point, I started down a path that led me to some fun new friends (ET rules!) and I started and am almost done with school. That's a lot in 3 years.....would I want a redo on any or all of that....I don't think so.
We are on a path in life that we may not understand as we travel it. I find the longer I stay moving and changing and shifting the more I can look back and realize it is worth it. It doesn't always feel ike that while we are on the path and traveling down a road but looking back over the last three years I see it. I don't know why I doubt myself so much. Why do we put so much extra stress on ourselves when we don't really need to? I like my life, I like my path...it may not be the right one, the final one or even a real path but for right now I will take it. I don't want a do over....not on the big picture...certain moments....certain days.....certain events - hell yeah.
I am getting my new New Years! I am playing poker and eating chocolate covered strawberries and drinking champagne when the clock strikes 12 and by God....there will be singing!
Monday, January 19, 2009
A life full of holes
I know we all do this...we wait to live...we wait to start our lives...we wait. If only this would happen then I could be happy......when I have more money I'll do this, when I have better friends I'll do this....holes...these are all holes that fill our lives. If we aren't careful they can consume and take over your life. If we focus too much on these things, one begins to see a life full of holes....nothing to do but try to fill them in. The past few days have been about filling those spaces - at least for me.
I finally completed the move! I was surprised at the emotional attachment I had to my old apt. Old 409 really held a place in my heart I didn't give it credit for. I had a minor moment on Friday after I shut the door for the last time. It felt like a ending....a real ending. Isn't that weird to have such an attachment to a place. Nothing major happened in that space except it was some place I was learning to be me again....learning to try to figure out who I was, who I am and better yet who I want to be. Still not there but it was the place I began. Maybe that's why it feels so much like an ending. I literally closed the door on that part of my life.
One nice thing is I finally made the decision to get rid of almost everything that was from my old life....well furniture-wise anyway. I have never done that before...it was scary and hard and painful and it still sort of feels like I want to call these people up and make them bring back my stuff but I'm not....that's silly....right? I did buy new stuff and once it finally arrives I hope these feelings of an odd attachment to things will slip away. Is it just me or do people feel an odd sense of attachment to material possession's....never mind......I know it's just me.
I am almost all settled (minus no furniture) in my new place and it feels like I am living in a hotel or a model home. It's so different from other places I've lived....not just because it's pretty empty but there is a whole different feel to my home now. I'm happy here....it feels like I'm cursing myself by saying that out loud. I'm happy in my new space. It feels more open, inviting, like I can breath. It's a lot of space for just me. My first instinct is to fill it up....I've really pushed myself NOT to do that. I have enough up to make me content but not too much...well not for me anyway. It feels really grown up too. I feel like for the first time in my whole life I have a "big girls home"! Maybe it's the colors (rich earth tones) or the cool entry wall, or maybe it's the theme (sort of African/Moroccan) and maybe it's the fact that I am going to have brand spanking new furniture, but it all feels so much more grown up then I have ever had. Usually I take what I've had and make it work in the space. This is the first time I've actually gotten into the space and then find stuff to work in the space. Wild.
My friends blog contained this quote - First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging. It's funny because I had been thinking about all the holes we create in our own life and especially as I was cleaning the old place I realized how full of holes the walls are when all your stuff is gone and then I see his blog with this quote. The Universe sure does connect people for a reason doesn't it? Sometimes we don't even realize we are in a hole until we try to get out.....there isn't enough caulk for some lives.
I still need to paint my bedroom and bathroom because I can't live in white walls but overall I feel pretty settled, I'm pretty well unpacked and organized. I can't live in chaos very long. I don't like having things out of my control but I realize there are many things we can't control like a pipe bursting in the auditorium one week before a major meeting where people are coming in from around the states, members/speakers booking the wrong arrival time, Power Points needing to be redone and redone and redone, needing to get 2007/2008 figures that no one can seem to provide all while trying to do all the mundane everyday tasks of one's job. It's crazy, it's busy, it's job security at the very least but does it have to be all at once? I guess the positive is I only have to take care of me - although right now that even seems like a lot of work.
I wouldn't mind someone else stepping up to the plate for the next few weeks...at least until this meeting is done on January 28th!!!
Who says I don't need a wife!?
I finally completed the move! I was surprised at the emotional attachment I had to my old apt. Old 409 really held a place in my heart I didn't give it credit for. I had a minor moment on Friday after I shut the door for the last time. It felt like a ending....a real ending. Isn't that weird to have such an attachment to a place. Nothing major happened in that space except it was some place I was learning to be me again....learning to try to figure out who I was, who I am and better yet who I want to be. Still not there but it was the place I began. Maybe that's why it feels so much like an ending. I literally closed the door on that part of my life.
One nice thing is I finally made the decision to get rid of almost everything that was from my old life....well furniture-wise anyway. I have never done that before...it was scary and hard and painful and it still sort of feels like I want to call these people up and make them bring back my stuff but I'm not....that's silly....right? I did buy new stuff and once it finally arrives I hope these feelings of an odd attachment to things will slip away. Is it just me or do people feel an odd sense of attachment to material possession's....never mind......I know it's just me.
I am almost all settled (minus no furniture) in my new place and it feels like I am living in a hotel or a model home. It's so different from other places I've lived....not just because it's pretty empty but there is a whole different feel to my home now. I'm happy here....it feels like I'm cursing myself by saying that out loud. I'm happy in my new space. It feels more open, inviting, like I can breath. It's a lot of space for just me. My first instinct is to fill it up....I've really pushed myself NOT to do that. I have enough up to make me content but not too much...well not for me anyway. It feels really grown up too. I feel like for the first time in my whole life I have a "big girls home"! Maybe it's the colors (rich earth tones) or the cool entry wall, or maybe it's the theme (sort of African/Moroccan) and maybe it's the fact that I am going to have brand spanking new furniture, but it all feels so much more grown up then I have ever had. Usually I take what I've had and make it work in the space. This is the first time I've actually gotten into the space and then find stuff to work in the space. Wild.
My friends blog contained this quote - First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging. It's funny because I had been thinking about all the holes we create in our own life and especially as I was cleaning the old place I realized how full of holes the walls are when all your stuff is gone and then I see his blog with this quote. The Universe sure does connect people for a reason doesn't it? Sometimes we don't even realize we are in a hole until we try to get out.....there isn't enough caulk for some lives.
I still need to paint my bedroom and bathroom because I can't live in white walls but overall I feel pretty settled, I'm pretty well unpacked and organized. I can't live in chaos very long. I don't like having things out of my control but I realize there are many things we can't control like a pipe bursting in the auditorium one week before a major meeting where people are coming in from around the states, members/speakers booking the wrong arrival time, Power Points needing to be redone and redone and redone, needing to get 2007/2008 figures that no one can seem to provide all while trying to do all the mundane everyday tasks of one's job. It's crazy, it's busy, it's job security at the very least but does it have to be all at once? I guess the positive is I only have to take care of me - although right now that even seems like a lot of work.
I wouldn't mind someone else stepping up to the plate for the next few weeks...at least until this meeting is done on January 28th!!!
Who says I don't need a wife!?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Learn to trust yourself
It's hard to know what to do some days. It's hard to know what path to take, what door to open, what thing to pursue....it's just hard. Life should come with an appendix or an instruction manual. If G happens see M, N or P. If Z happens...your screwed. It's hard to know when to leap and hope that net is there and when to turn back and try another way.
I realize alot of what I am feeling right now is just pure overwhelment (is that a word?) at everything going on right now. Work is insane, two huge meetings this week, one dozy of a meeting at the end of the month that is making me insane. It's like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall to get people to make a decision. I can only work in ambiguity for so long. If one more person says to me "oooh yeah, I forgot to tell you..." I'm going to hurt them...seriously people. Think outside your bubble for two seconds. And is it so much to ask someone to bring me a cup of coffee once in awhile? Seriously! The move, school, lack of any type of personal time....it all adds up.
I realize I am doubting myself a lot lately. I don't trust my own voice, my decisions, my thoughts......nothing. I get into these phases once in awhile and I wish someone else were in charge of my life so they could just TELL me what to do, say, wear, be.....eat. It's hard to be me. I realize that's not the answer but sometimes it sure would be nice to have someone else be in charge of me.....even for a day.
School is adding an additional layer of stress for me right now but after class last night, the first of 8, I feel a little relieved. The teacher so far is pretty amazing. She has an amazing life story that she shared pretty openly.....she was a Jehovah Witness and chose to leave that life, she was stolen as a child and suffered multiple forms of abuse and yet here she is, standing strong before us telling us we can do anything we want to as long as we try....as long as we jump in with both feet and don't limit ourselves. What any of that has to do with Accounting or Finance is arbitrary but she obviously loves to teach and share her message and I think I'll learn a lot from her not only about accounting but about life in general. She really got me thinking last night.
We put so many road blocks up for ourselves...we limit our own happiness and most of the time are the ones who put so many should not's or can not's in our own path that it's hard to get past ourselves. I have been saying for awhile now that I'm not living the life I want...but I'm not sure what that life is. I am enjoying the ride a lot more lately than I have in a very long time but I'm still now sure what I am aiming for or moving towards but for now...I'm enjoying the ride. I admire those people who don't limit themselves...who don't put all these rules on themselves about what they should or shouldn't do. Who they should spend their time with, how they live their life.....they just do it...they experience life and seem to be enjoying the ride. I want to be more like that. I have to push myself, I have to push myself outside of my comfort zone, my bubble, my "I'm too scared to try something new" world. Maybe I am scared to live my own life. Dang it.......was my friend right before. Insert fist raised in the air here.
That's what this year is for....for new experiences, new adventures, new rules.....or maybe no rules. Rules are made to be broken so why do I think I need rules. Interesting.
How do you learn to let go and trust yourself?
I realize alot of what I am feeling right now is just pure overwhelment (is that a word?) at everything going on right now. Work is insane, two huge meetings this week, one dozy of a meeting at the end of the month that is making me insane. It's like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall to get people to make a decision. I can only work in ambiguity for so long. If one more person says to me "oooh yeah, I forgot to tell you..." I'm going to hurt them...seriously people. Think outside your bubble for two seconds. And is it so much to ask someone to bring me a cup of coffee once in awhile? Seriously! The move, school, lack of any type of personal time....it all adds up.
I realize I am doubting myself a lot lately. I don't trust my own voice, my decisions, my thoughts......nothing. I get into these phases once in awhile and I wish someone else were in charge of my life so they could just TELL me what to do, say, wear, be.....eat. It's hard to be me. I realize that's not the answer but sometimes it sure would be nice to have someone else be in charge of me.....even for a day.
School is adding an additional layer of stress for me right now but after class last night, the first of 8, I feel a little relieved. The teacher so far is pretty amazing. She has an amazing life story that she shared pretty openly.....she was a Jehovah Witness and chose to leave that life, she was stolen as a child and suffered multiple forms of abuse and yet here she is, standing strong before us telling us we can do anything we want to as long as we try....as long as we jump in with both feet and don't limit ourselves. What any of that has to do with Accounting or Finance is arbitrary but she obviously loves to teach and share her message and I think I'll learn a lot from her not only about accounting but about life in general. She really got me thinking last night.
We put so many road blocks up for ourselves...we limit our own happiness and most of the time are the ones who put so many should not's or can not's in our own path that it's hard to get past ourselves. I have been saying for awhile now that I'm not living the life I want...but I'm not sure what that life is. I am enjoying the ride a lot more lately than I have in a very long time but I'm still now sure what I am aiming for or moving towards but for now...I'm enjoying the ride. I admire those people who don't limit themselves...who don't put all these rules on themselves about what they should or shouldn't do. Who they should spend their time with, how they live their life.....they just do it...they experience life and seem to be enjoying the ride. I want to be more like that. I have to push myself, I have to push myself outside of my comfort zone, my bubble, my "I'm too scared to try something new" world. Maybe I am scared to live my own life. Dang it.......was my friend right before. Insert fist raised in the air here.
That's what this year is for....for new experiences, new adventures, new rules.....or maybe no rules. Rules are made to be broken so why do I think I need rules. Interesting.
How do you learn to let go and trust yourself?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
How much is too much?
I'm feeling really overwhelmed and overloaded right now. I don't dare complain that work is insanely busy or that my life is busy and jam packed because it's all eventually good things I'm working towards but I'm feeling pulled in too many directions and toss into that mix an Accounting/Finance class I just can not get my brain wrapped around. I'm feeling like curling up in a fetal position and going to sleep. Possibly I could get some sleep if I did that. I'm really running on empty...coffee can only take a girl so far.
Plus, how do you get people at work to NOT rely on you to do their job? I mean really....they get paid WAY more than I do yet they can't do the simplest task - the copier is out of paper. Really....you want me to stop what I am doing and put paper in the copier? Are you serious? How do these people have children that have survived? I'm feeling really really over used and under appreciated right now. Hope it's just a phase.
I am so close to being done with school, one class left after this, but seriously....it's taking all I have not to quit right now...that's the easy thing to do..quit....I'm good at that. Ugh.
Isn't it funny what a difference a day makes? Yesterday I was all happy and feeling good about life and what the Universe gives me and today I feel like I'm being tested and pushed and pulled in about 100 directions....what message am I suppose to gleam from this?
I feel like Charlie Brown today...Good Grief.
Plus, how do you get people at work to NOT rely on you to do their job? I mean really....they get paid WAY more than I do yet they can't do the simplest task - the copier is out of paper. Really....you want me to stop what I am doing and put paper in the copier? Are you serious? How do these people have children that have survived? I'm feeling really really over used and under appreciated right now. Hope it's just a phase.
I am so close to being done with school, one class left after this, but seriously....it's taking all I have not to quit right now...that's the easy thing to do..quit....I'm good at that. Ugh.
Isn't it funny what a difference a day makes? Yesterday I was all happy and feeling good about life and what the Universe gives me and today I feel like I'm being tested and pushed and pulled in about 100 directions....what message am I suppose to gleam from this?
I feel like Charlie Brown today...Good Grief.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Grateful heart
I realize it's easy to focus on what we don't have, what we want, where we want to be but as I was driving into work this morning I realized how lucky I am and this in turn makes me feel very grateful.
Grateful for the people in my life that give up their weekends and time with their families to help me, to move my dusty crap, to paint with me, to laugh with me, to bring their boyfriends and family over to help me with mundane things, to take me to parties they probably could have easily taken anyone else, to make me coffee in the morning, to give me a blanket when I am cold (or their child!) to spend time out of their lives on my own life. I'm very grateful for these people and that the Universe put them in my path. It's a nice way to begin a week.
I'm physically exhausted from this weekend...I guess that's good, I worked hard, played hard and eventually once all the boxes are put back in place I'll feel a little settled and less discombobulated. Moving, even if it's a few doors down, is hard. I took care to be sure I left out things I know I'll need but it's unsettling to not have my stuff out where I want it. I painted part of my new apt this weekend and am feeling more at home there. As I continue to paint my old apt and turn it into a blank white slate it kinda makes me sad. I loved living there. It's been one of my favorite places ever to have lived and it feels like I'm washing away that time by covering it all up. Is that weird? I only have my bedroom left and I have one diamond left to cover on that wall and it's kinda sad....I kind of don't want it to go away. Feels like if I cover it up it's erasing that part of me...of my life....of my existence there. I wonder why that feels like that.
I'm enjoying creating my new space however...I love the colors I chose and later this week the ET is going to paint my accent wall (a redish orange color) that I think is going to make my home POP! Once that is done I can go sofa shopping and finally feel like I am home. It's important to like your space...to feel like it's home....otherwise it just feel like some place that holds your stuff. I also got rid of a lot of stuff to with this move....I feel like my new space is going to be less cluttered, more open and with the colors I am choosing I feel like it's going to be warm and inviting...maybe more people will come visit me?
The one thing I like about moving is re-creating your space. You can take the same old stuff you have and use it in a new way and it makes your space feel new, different and sometimes pretty cool. Can't wait to have this week behind me so I can feel more settled.
Speaking of the ET I went to the ET party on Saturday - it's a holiday party for FT employee's but my friend Eric took me with - yeah Eric! It was at the Wayzata Country Club - a life style I'll never live but it was awesome for one night. It let me have a glimpse into the inner cirlce of the ET and the people I met were fun and nice and really cool....I had a great time! What was cool though is they give out awards to the property managers and we won 2 awards...woo hoo!! Plus there was a few drawings for big prizes and my friend Sarah won a 42" flat screen plasma TV!!! Movie night at her place!!
Thanks Universe for all that you give me - I am grateful!
Grateful for the people in my life that give up their weekends and time with their families to help me, to move my dusty crap, to paint with me, to laugh with me, to bring their boyfriends and family over to help me with mundane things, to take me to parties they probably could have easily taken anyone else, to make me coffee in the morning, to give me a blanket when I am cold (or their child!) to spend time out of their lives on my own life. I'm very grateful for these people and that the Universe put them in my path. It's a nice way to begin a week.
I'm physically exhausted from this weekend...I guess that's good, I worked hard, played hard and eventually once all the boxes are put back in place I'll feel a little settled and less discombobulated. Moving, even if it's a few doors down, is hard. I took care to be sure I left out things I know I'll need but it's unsettling to not have my stuff out where I want it. I painted part of my new apt this weekend and am feeling more at home there. As I continue to paint my old apt and turn it into a blank white slate it kinda makes me sad. I loved living there. It's been one of my favorite places ever to have lived and it feels like I'm washing away that time by covering it all up. Is that weird? I only have my bedroom left and I have one diamond left to cover on that wall and it's kinda sad....I kind of don't want it to go away. Feels like if I cover it up it's erasing that part of me...of my life....of my existence there. I wonder why that feels like that.
I'm enjoying creating my new space however...I love the colors I chose and later this week the ET is going to paint my accent wall (a redish orange color) that I think is going to make my home POP! Once that is done I can go sofa shopping and finally feel like I am home. It's important to like your space...to feel like it's home....otherwise it just feel like some place that holds your stuff. I also got rid of a lot of stuff to with this move....I feel like my new space is going to be less cluttered, more open and with the colors I am choosing I feel like it's going to be warm and inviting...maybe more people will come visit me?
The one thing I like about moving is re-creating your space. You can take the same old stuff you have and use it in a new way and it makes your space feel new, different and sometimes pretty cool. Can't wait to have this week behind me so I can feel more settled.
Speaking of the ET I went to the ET party on Saturday - it's a holiday party for FT employee's but my friend Eric took me with - yeah Eric! It was at the Wayzata Country Club - a life style I'll never live but it was awesome for one night. It let me have a glimpse into the inner cirlce of the ET and the people I met were fun and nice and really cool....I had a great time! What was cool though is they give out awards to the property managers and we won 2 awards...woo hoo!! Plus there was a few drawings for big prizes and my friend Sarah won a 42" flat screen plasma TV!!! Movie night at her place!!
Thanks Universe for all that you give me - I am grateful!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
See with new eyes
It's fuuny how we decide who someone is based on our interactions with them and then you spend more time with them outside of work or the normal place you are with them and you see them so differently. Last night I was running errands in preparation for this busy weekend at at the Menards of all places I bumped into this guy I used to work with a long time ago and at first I was like oh crap...but then we started talking and "catching" up and he's actually pretty cool.
He lives in Seattle now and is married with 3 kids....this surprised me because he was such a crabby, mean, spiteful person and he went out of his way to do things to piss people off....my first thought was how did the Universe reward someone so icky with something that is the goal for most people? Judging....why do we always judge.
Turns out after he left he took a year off and spent it traveling, seeing the world and not being tied down by things, a job or people and he said it was like a switch flipped off inside of him and he settled down in Seattle and met his now wife. I was blown away by that story. Seemed so simple, so easy....can things really be that easy? Is it really about letting go?
It's easy to decide who someone is by our interactions with them but sometimes, if you get past that initial layer you can find out so much more about them. They begin to let you in, they accept you as you are and they embrace your crazy and find ways to make it work with theirs. Those are the people you need to hang with, surround yourself with. My friend told me her friend made this comment "everyone's got some carry on luggage". Makes me smile.
I forget how many walls we ... okay probably just me....so lets just say I realize I have walls up. I realize I am my own worst enemy and it's hard to just let it all go and accept what your given, frankly I don't even know if I know how to do that. I guess you have to take baby steps and maybe just take down a brick at a time....find those people who will help you without juding and who accept you as you are without trying to change you and make you build new walls.
Wow...so much to learn in this new year!
I love these cold crip mornings. Sitting here at my computer staring out into the still morning with the smoke from roof tops covering the air, the ground is barely covered with a white blanket and the bare trees...love the bare trees! At this very minute everything seems possible, everything seems fresh and new and that it's an option. Wish we could capture that moment and carry it with us through the day.
Off to a busy weekend.....meeting, painting, moving, cleaning, homework and I'm planning on shaking my bootie tonight as well.
Welcome 2009!
He lives in Seattle now and is married with 3 kids....this surprised me because he was such a crabby, mean, spiteful person and he went out of his way to do things to piss people off....my first thought was how did the Universe reward someone so icky with something that is the goal for most people? Judging....why do we always judge.
Turns out after he left he took a year off and spent it traveling, seeing the world and not being tied down by things, a job or people and he said it was like a switch flipped off inside of him and he settled down in Seattle and met his now wife. I was blown away by that story. Seemed so simple, so easy....can things really be that easy? Is it really about letting go?
It's easy to decide who someone is by our interactions with them but sometimes, if you get past that initial layer you can find out so much more about them. They begin to let you in, they accept you as you are and they embrace your crazy and find ways to make it work with theirs. Those are the people you need to hang with, surround yourself with. My friend told me her friend made this comment "everyone's got some carry on luggage". Makes me smile.
I forget how many walls we ... okay probably just me....so lets just say I realize I have walls up. I realize I am my own worst enemy and it's hard to just let it all go and accept what your given, frankly I don't even know if I know how to do that. I guess you have to take baby steps and maybe just take down a brick at a time....find those people who will help you without juding and who accept you as you are without trying to change you and make you build new walls.
Wow...so much to learn in this new year!
I love these cold crip mornings. Sitting here at my computer staring out into the still morning with the smoke from roof tops covering the air, the ground is barely covered with a white blanket and the bare trees...love the bare trees! At this very minute everything seems possible, everything seems fresh and new and that it's an option. Wish we could capture that moment and carry it with us through the day.
Off to a busy weekend.....meeting, painting, moving, cleaning, homework and I'm planning on shaking my bootie tonight as well.
Welcome 2009!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Lipstick fixes anything
Sometimes slapping on a coat of lipstick on can make the worst day even better. I've been sleeping like crap lately and thus it reflects in how I look and feel. Yesterday was the height of my sleeplessness and I felt pretty worn out by about 9am. I slapped on some lipstick and suddenly things seemed right.
Maybe I'm imagining it but I think people treat you differently when you wear lipstick. It seems to say I know what I am doing and you must listen to me....I wish it said I am the queen and you must do my bidding but I'll settle for people listening to me. Having said that, I admit, I am not the best listener. I've been working hard at changing that and I really admire people that do listen and not only listen, but hear you. Sometimes out of the blue they will quote back something you've said and honestly I vaguely remember even saying it but it floods back into my memory and I'm amazed that they retained that information. Because I've been so sleep deprived I've been filling my mornings with coffee (I don't drink caffeine past noon) and yesterday afternoon I had to go for a walk to shake off the busy day (I am a PowerPoint goddess!) and I went to the Caribou where my favorite employee is. He is super perky, always remembers what you like to drink and is just super pleasant to spend some time with....if he were only straight I'd take him home and keep him forever. So I drag my sorry butt into the Caribou and he greets me and shouts out my order before I even have to say what it is I want. He also remembers to make it decaf.....he freaking remembered! I remarked on it and he said "Girl I know you can't do caffeine past noon....I'm here for you." I almost cried. It's the little things isn't it, that bring us unexpected joy.
As I enjoyed my delicious beverage I began to think about how cool that was that he took the time to remember something about me, a complete stranger and then I started to think about all the people I have in my life that I've experienced those little moments with......like my distaste for dark beer, my hatred of green beans, Jell-O and other flesh like foods.......people remember things. How can I be a better rememberer? Is that even a word?
Sometimes I have moments where I remember conversations or incidents and I think Oh I have to remember that and almost as soon as I say it....I've lost it. I realize it's a skill I can improve on but I really admire that in another person. I think that level of connection with another person is essential.
Right now work is at warp speed, we have a major meeting next week and at the end of this month that we are really behind the 8 ball on and we are working like mad to get ready for so I feel good about the fact that I am so busy I can't see straight but worried about the lull after this rush is over. Where's my lipstick?
So....until things settle down I plan to carry a lot of lipstick. Isn't this funny that all this came about from a fresh coat of lipstick?
Got lipstick?
Maybe I'm imagining it but I think people treat you differently when you wear lipstick. It seems to say I know what I am doing and you must listen to me....I wish it said I am the queen and you must do my bidding but I'll settle for people listening to me. Having said that, I admit, I am not the best listener. I've been working hard at changing that and I really admire people that do listen and not only listen, but hear you. Sometimes out of the blue they will quote back something you've said and honestly I vaguely remember even saying it but it floods back into my memory and I'm amazed that they retained that information. Because I've been so sleep deprived I've been filling my mornings with coffee (I don't drink caffeine past noon) and yesterday afternoon I had to go for a walk to shake off the busy day (I am a PowerPoint goddess!) and I went to the Caribou where my favorite employee is. He is super perky, always remembers what you like to drink and is just super pleasant to spend some time with....if he were only straight I'd take him home and keep him forever. So I drag my sorry butt into the Caribou and he greets me and shouts out my order before I even have to say what it is I want. He also remembers to make it decaf.....he freaking remembered! I remarked on it and he said "Girl I know you can't do caffeine past noon....I'm here for you." I almost cried. It's the little things isn't it, that bring us unexpected joy.
As I enjoyed my delicious beverage I began to think about how cool that was that he took the time to remember something about me, a complete stranger and then I started to think about all the people I have in my life that I've experienced those little moments with......like my distaste for dark beer, my hatred of green beans, Jell-O and other flesh like foods.......people remember things. How can I be a better rememberer? Is that even a word?
Sometimes I have moments where I remember conversations or incidents and I think Oh I have to remember that and almost as soon as I say it....I've lost it. I realize it's a skill I can improve on but I really admire that in another person. I think that level of connection with another person is essential.
Right now work is at warp speed, we have a major meeting next week and at the end of this month that we are really behind the 8 ball on and we are working like mad to get ready for so I feel good about the fact that I am so busy I can't see straight but worried about the lull after this rush is over. Where's my lipstick?
So....until things settle down I plan to carry a lot of lipstick. Isn't this funny that all this came about from a fresh coat of lipstick?
Got lipstick?
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The calm before the storm or the storm before the calm?
I used to freak out all the time at the dumbest things. I'd get a flat tire on my car and think I had to sell my car....sadly that's a true story....but I think as I've gotten older I freak out less....well maybe only once a day?
Right now I feel a little freaked out...I feel a little out of control of my own life and my own time and that is freaking me out a little. I love dead trees, those spindly, barren empty trees that seems to stand alone and proud in a field with there spiky branches sprawled out for the world....love them. I've been having trouble sleeping the past few nights and last night was the
worst. I went to bed about 11pm (my normal bedtime) and I could not go to sleep, I just tossed and turned forever. Finally I got up about 2am and read some of my accounting/finance book in a warm bath thinking that would lull me into a coma....nothing....the water got cold, the reading blurred my brain but sleep did not come. I headed back into bed a little after 3am and finally dozed off only to have the freakiest dream ever!
I was in my apt packing up and I went into my bedroom and there was a giant dead tree growing in the corner of my room. At first I was like how cool then I was like....how in the
hell am I going to move that? Why I thought I had to move it is beyond me but I knew I had to. So I pulled at it and pulled at it and one of my neighbors saw me trying to pull it down the hall so he went and got a shopping cart for me....we somehow got it in there and wheeled it to my new apt and when I opened the door the living room was filled with dead trees. What the hell?
Clearly my lack of sleep is due to my move, school, homework, my life but man...what do the dead trees mean? I must google that. Hmm, that google is a good thing....here's the gist of
what I found about a tree in your dream:
What the heck! How do those two things relate....I am wasting my time and somethings amiss with my nature? I may have to ponder this. Hmm.
Happy new year to me huh!
Right now I feel a little freaked out...I feel a little out of control of my own life and my own time and that is freaking me out a little. I love dead trees, those spindly, barren empty trees that seems to stand alone and proud in a field with there spiky branches sprawled out for the world....love them. I've been having trouble sleeping the past few nights and last night was the
worst. I went to bed about 11pm (my normal bedtime) and I could not go to sleep, I just tossed and turned forever. Finally I got up about 2am and read some of my accounting/finance book in a warm bath thinking that would lull me into a coma....nothing....the water got cold, the reading blurred my brain but sleep did not come. I headed back into bed a little after 3am and finally dozed off only to have the freakiest dream ever!
I was in my apt packing up and I went into my bedroom and there was a giant dead tree growing in the corner of my room. At first I was like how cool then I was like....how in the
hell am I going to move that? Why I thought I had to move it is beyond me but I knew I had to. So I pulled at it and pulled at it and one of my neighbors saw me trying to pull it down the hall so he went and got a shopping cart for me....we somehow got it in there and wheeled it to my new apt and when I opened the door the living room was filled with dead trees. What the hell?
Clearly my lack of sleep is due to my move, school, homework, my life but man...what do the dead trees mean? I must google that. Hmm, that google is a good thing....here's the gist of
what I found about a tree in your dream:
To dream about empty trees or if you have cut down a tree, signifies
that you are wasting your energy, time, and money on foolish pursuits.
Alternatively, it may be a comment on your sexual nature.
What the heck! How do those two things relate....I am wasting my time and somethings amiss with my nature? I may have to ponder this. Hmm.
Happy new year to me huh!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Say my name
There is something to be said for people knowing your name. I like it. I like that people know who I am, in some sick twisted way it brings me great joy. My friend Sarah and I were talking about this last night and what a difference this makes. Sometimes the littlest things can make the biggest difference in some one's life. There is something affirming, empowering, just plain right about people knowing your name, at least for me. It really changes how you feel about being where you are at. I realized it again this morning as I was walking in my building at work...it's 6:45am and the security guard yells out "Good morning Dawn"! It made me smile. I have now committed to memory his name, Jason, and I shouted back. It made him smile. Then going through the cafeteria a few of the cooks and the manager all greeted me by name. Say my name people....it's a good thing.
I had a rough day yesterday and I was kind of mad at myself at the end of the day for letting what people say about me get to me. Why do I give other people's words, opinions or thoughts power? It's so easy to let that happen. People tell you your not pretty enough or smart enough and we believe it. We buy into it and soon we become it. I don't want to give them the power but I don't want to ignore them completely because there is some message in there I need to hear, I just need to pull the emotional part out of it. Sometimes we don't see what it is we need to see because we put up our own blinders or float down our own river of denial and sometimes that outside person speaks a kernel of truth and we see past our own blocks....but I don't know how to take it for what it is and move on....it is what it is. I tend to sit in in, stew and feel bad about myself. As I pondered this thought while beginning my day, I read my message from the Universe and I kinda got spooked:
I had a rough day yesterday and I was kind of mad at myself at the end of the day for letting what people say about me get to me. Why do I give other people's words, opinions or thoughts power? It's so easy to let that happen. People tell you your not pretty enough or smart enough and we believe it. We buy into it and soon we become it. I don't want to give them the power but I don't want to ignore them completely because there is some message in there I need to hear, I just need to pull the emotional part out of it. Sometimes we don't see what it is we need to see because we put up our own blinders or float down our own river of denial and sometimes that outside person speaks a kernel of truth and we see past our own blocks....but I don't know how to take it for what it is and move on....it is what it is. I tend to sit in in, stew and feel bad about myself. As I pondered this thought while beginning my day, I read my message from the Universe and I kinda got spooked:
It's the exact same for me, Dawn. my love goes unreturned, I feel
completely unappreciated, or some clown starts telling me what's wrong with the world (my world!). And so, I have to remind myself that I am the Universe, that this is an adventure, and that one day they will come to know the errors in their thinking. And, not that it matters at all, but I secretly hope that on that day I just happen to be carried past them, sitting in my processional throne, followed by throngs of admirers, with all the Angels singing, "We are the champions, my friends..."
Dawn, you are the Universe, this is an adventure, and they will learn.Tallyho,
The Universe
Weird isn't it how the freaking Universe knows our thoughts almost before we do. I love that last line - Dawn, you are the Universe, this is an adventure, and they will learn.
I guess it's telling me patience.....OK, I get that, I get that they will learn but when will I?
Man I need a martini already and it's barely 7:30am!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Mug Shots
As I was driving into work today pondering my day my life and my huge "to do" list - the glare from the electronic billboard off 35W heading into downtown caught my eye. There was this HUGE picture of this guy who is wanted....he's some foreign dude who I'm sure did something terrible but his photo was hilarious...or sad really. He's standing there obviously staring at the camera but they seem to have snapped the picture just as he's blinking so he's got the oddest half eye closed pose I have ever seen. Poor dude, not only is he a wanted man, he's kinda comical. Now let's just say I bump into this dude on the street, there is no way I am going to recognize him because seriously.....who walks around half blinking? It got me thinking about the "snapshots" in our heads we create all the time. How many of them have our eyes half open? The ones we have created for ourselves can't all be pretty....right?
Maybe that's why I adore self portraits so much more....I have control....I know when I'm going to push the button so I can be ready. In life, we don't actually get that chance. We are at the mercy of whoever is on the other side of that so called camera. My therapist once told me I need to change the snapshots I've created in my head so I'm not constantly disappointed. It was a long involved conversation but the jist of it is that I tend to create this sort of photo album in my head of how things are suppose to be....how I think they should look and when the reality settles in and they don't match it just makes me really unhappy.
It's up to us to change those pictures. We have to learn to let the pictures be what they will be. Ahh, it will be what it will be..... I love pictures...they are snapshots of time that have captured a perfect moment. I like to surround myself with these happy moments because, well, because it makes me happy. As I have been packing up my old home I've come across some old pictures I forgot I had and some of them still make me really happy. I don't know if it's because over time I've made that moment in time be that one still picture but it makes me happy....so I accept that. I want to be happy. I want those moments in time to bring me joy.
I would hate to be at the end of my life and not have anything to look back on. Nothing to remind me of the journey I've taken or the places I've gone. One really cool picture I have is from one of my memorable family vacations. I must have been 12 or 14 and it's at Mount Rushmore with my brothers and sisters. Crazy Horse is in the background and it's just barely an outline. It's one of those square, old 70's kind of pictures that for some reason makes me smile. One summer we packed up the car and drove to South Dakota. My whole family....we camped and in my mind it was a freaking blast. We did all the touristy things one could do, maybe that's why it's stuck in my head, maybe that's why I feel I MUST go back there. Wall Drug, Flintstone Park, Mount Rushmore, some old western town.....all the touristy things along the way....oh and to buy those tacky souvenirs. That pine box that is now like $20! That smell, that brings me back to a different time.
Can we really relive the happy parts? Will they be the same? Will it create better more joyful memories or will it erase what our minds have created? Only one way to tell I guess!! I need to take a trip this summer....I need to go and explore...no plans, no goals, no anything but a joyful spirit to enjoy the time.
Do you plan that or just go? Hmm, so many questions on this Tuesday morning.
Maybe that's why I adore self portraits so much more....I have control....I know when I'm going to push the button so I can be ready. In life, we don't actually get that chance. We are at the mercy of whoever is on the other side of that so called camera. My therapist once told me I need to change the snapshots I've created in my head so I'm not constantly disappointed. It was a long involved conversation but the jist of it is that I tend to create this sort of photo album in my head of how things are suppose to be....how I think they should look and when the reality settles in and they don't match it just makes me really unhappy.
It's up to us to change those pictures. We have to learn to let the pictures be what they will be. Ahh, it will be what it will be..... I love pictures...they are snapshots of time that have captured a perfect moment. I like to surround myself with these happy moments because, well, because it makes me happy. As I have been packing up my old home I've come across some old pictures I forgot I had and some of them still make me really happy. I don't know if it's because over time I've made that moment in time be that one still picture but it makes me happy....so I accept that. I want to be happy. I want those moments in time to bring me joy.
I would hate to be at the end of my life and not have anything to look back on. Nothing to remind me of the journey I've taken or the places I've gone. One really cool picture I have is from one of my memorable family vacations. I must have been 12 or 14 and it's at Mount Rushmore with my brothers and sisters. Crazy Horse is in the background and it's just barely an outline. It's one of those square, old 70's kind of pictures that for some reason makes me smile. One summer we packed up the car and drove to South Dakota. My whole family....we camped and in my mind it was a freaking blast. We did all the touristy things one could do, maybe that's why it's stuck in my head, maybe that's why I feel I MUST go back there. Wall Drug, Flintstone Park, Mount Rushmore, some old western town.....all the touristy things along the way....oh and to buy those tacky souvenirs. That pine box that is now like $20! That smell, that brings me back to a different time.
Can we really relive the happy parts? Will they be the same? Will it create better more joyful memories or will it erase what our minds have created? Only one way to tell I guess!! I need to take a trip this summer....I need to go and explore...no plans, no goals, no anything but a joyful spirit to enjoy the time.
Do you plan that or just go? Hmm, so many questions on this Tuesday morning.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Living in the dark
I find that as much as I don't like this, I am a creature of habit. I need routine, something to do, something to keep me engaged and when I have too much free time I get all wishy washy and I can't seem to focus. The last two weeks were great because I could live on my own schedule but I also feel, looking back, I did not accomplish as much as I planned to. I work better with deadlines and time lines.
I also find that I like being in the loop. I like know what's happening around me even if it's not the perfect situation, I like at least knowing what's at the end of that dark tunnel. I hate ambiguity and innuendos and secrets....hate closed door meetings that I have to arrange and especially hate last minute hurry up and do this but I can't tell you why events. The past few nights I have really been struggling coming back to work because it all feels so unknown. It feels out of my control and I do not like it Sam I am. I can live in the dark as long as I don't know I am living in the dark.....does that make sense?
I think if you don't know what you don't know your fine...I realize that's a form of denial but I guess I'm OK with that. I want answers....I hate this waiting game.....I'll tell you something but not for a week, or I'll tell you something when I know something...but you know what - I know you know something so just tell me....I'm not good with waiting...patience is not my strong suit. I'm trying to be open to what the Universe has in store for me but I want to know what it is.
Wait, that can't be right. It's like I'm in a circus act...the high flying trapeze artist, and I am doing my thing but I know that next trapeze or person will be there to catch me or I know there is a net down below in case I slip....right now....at this time in my life I don't feel that safety. I feel like I am hanging by myself and I don't know what to grab onto. Is there always another trapeze waiting or do I let go and hope the net is there?
Leap and the net will appear is a good saying.....but let's play devils advocate for a minute....let's say you leap and there is no net, not that you will crash and burn but things could get real hinky and unpleasant. I think maybe I am feeling a little overwhelmed with a new class starting - finance stuff and major accounting type stuff (I thought I was done with math!) packing up my house and trying to paint and feeling like I don't have control right now is kinda freaking me out.
Kinda feel like all I'm getting from the Universe right now is the sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes. How do I tune in and understand what's being said?
I also find that I like being in the loop. I like know what's happening around me even if it's not the perfect situation, I like at least knowing what's at the end of that dark tunnel. I hate ambiguity and innuendos and secrets....hate closed door meetings that I have to arrange and especially hate last minute hurry up and do this but I can't tell you why events. The past few nights I have really been struggling coming back to work because it all feels so unknown. It feels out of my control and I do not like it Sam I am. I can live in the dark as long as I don't know I am living in the dark.....does that make sense?
I think if you don't know what you don't know your fine...I realize that's a form of denial but I guess I'm OK with that. I want answers....I hate this waiting game.....I'll tell you something but not for a week, or I'll tell you something when I know something...but you know what - I know you know something so just tell me....I'm not good with waiting...patience is not my strong suit. I'm trying to be open to what the Universe has in store for me but I want to know what it is.
Wait, that can't be right. It's like I'm in a circus act...the high flying trapeze artist, and I am doing my thing but I know that next trapeze or person will be there to catch me or I know there is a net down below in case I slip....right now....at this time in my life I don't feel that safety. I feel like I am hanging by myself and I don't know what to grab onto. Is there always another trapeze waiting or do I let go and hope the net is there?
Leap and the net will appear is a good saying.....but let's play devils advocate for a minute....let's say you leap and there is no net, not that you will crash and burn but things could get real hinky and unpleasant. I think maybe I am feeling a little overwhelmed with a new class starting - finance stuff and major accounting type stuff (I thought I was done with math!) packing up my house and trying to paint and feeling like I don't have control right now is kinda freaking me out.
Kinda feel like all I'm getting from the Universe right now is the sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes. How do I tune in and understand what's being said?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Blank walls
I have been packing up my apartment for the move in a few weeks to my bigger apartment (same complex, same floor even just more space) and since I painted my home and made it my own it's been a daunting task to turn in back into the white box that someone else might want to live in. As the transformation has been taking place I realize I don't like blank walls, empty spaces. The plain white walls feel .....I'm not sure what but I don't feel like I am at home here anymore. Isn't that funny that by putting our own touches on our space we feel connected and at home. There are somethings I think I will do less of but I need color on my walls...in my space.....I thought I might be able to not have it in my new place but no...I am not meant to be one color. :)
In packing up my house I re-discovered my Magical Messages from the Fairies Oracle Cards and did a few readings. I was surprised at what they were saying to me. According to my readings by summer my life is going to be on my right path and I'm going to be surprisingly happy - come on summer! One interesting card I pulled while pondering my path was the assertiveness card. This kind of surprised me because I thought I'm probably one of the most assertive people I know. I always confuse assertive with aggressive though and I always thought I was more aggressive but actually I don't think I'm either on a regular basis. I think there are moments I can be either but overall I'd really like to be more assertive.
Assertive people seem to me to be happier...they are easy to get along with because you always know where you stand with them....they don't pull any punches. In pulling the assertive card it tells me my current situation calls for me to be more assertive, to speak my truth and to let go of unhealthy old communication habits.
Dang those magical fairy cards.
It's kind of fun to decide what to toss and what to keep when moving. It gives me a chance to look at what I have been holding onto and decide why I am really keeping it, the purpose of it and I realize it's time to purge some of the old. Why do we hold on to things for so long? It's just a physical thing from a time past....what's the purpose of holding on to these things? There is this guy here at the ET who is moving out after 14 years. I showed his apartment and as I walked through I saw these remnants of his life scattered throughout the place. There were things that clearly were put in place by his wife who passed away about a year and a half ago and he's just left in place....either because it comforts him or he's just so used to having them around it doesn't occur to him to change it.
I've found that I have so much stuff from my past that I didn't realize I still even had and some things I can't even remember what they are from. We are funny creatures. I've always wanted to live in the present, to open myself to the new and what the Universe sends my way but I wonder if holding on to the old stops that from happening.
I'm purging.....time to start with the new...out with the old...after all, it is a new year.
In packing up my house I re-discovered my Magical Messages from the Fairies Oracle Cards and did a few readings. I was surprised at what they were saying to me. According to my readings by summer my life is going to be on my right path and I'm going to be surprisingly happy - come on summer! One interesting card I pulled while pondering my path was the assertiveness card. This kind of surprised me because I thought I'm probably one of the most assertive people I know. I always confuse assertive with aggressive though and I always thought I was more aggressive but actually I don't think I'm either on a regular basis. I think there are moments I can be either but overall I'd really like to be more assertive.
Assertive people seem to me to be happier...they are easy to get along with because you always know where you stand with them....they don't pull any punches. In pulling the assertive card it tells me my current situation calls for me to be more assertive, to speak my truth and to let go of unhealthy old communication habits.
Dang those magical fairy cards.
It's kind of fun to decide what to toss and what to keep when moving. It gives me a chance to look at what I have been holding onto and decide why I am really keeping it, the purpose of it and I realize it's time to purge some of the old. Why do we hold on to things for so long? It's just a physical thing from a time past....what's the purpose of holding on to these things? There is this guy here at the ET who is moving out after 14 years. I showed his apartment and as I walked through I saw these remnants of his life scattered throughout the place. There were things that clearly were put in place by his wife who passed away about a year and a half ago and he's just left in place....either because it comforts him or he's just so used to having them around it doesn't occur to him to change it.
I've found that I have so much stuff from my past that I didn't realize I still even had and some things I can't even remember what they are from. We are funny creatures. I've always wanted to live in the present, to open myself to the new and what the Universe sends my way but I wonder if holding on to the old stops that from happening.
I'm purging.....time to start with the new...out with the old...after all, it is a new year.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A new year....a new backpack
Remember when you were a kid and you got to get a new backpack for school? Remember how you would labor over the choice...it had to send the right message. Couldn't be too big or too girly or too many zippers...had to last the entire year too so it had to be functional....that's what a new year is like, a new backpack. Now the mission is you have to fill it....and you have to choose the right things to fill it with.
Found these two quotes as I was checking email and the world wide web to see what I missed yesterday as I was lazy all day and did nothing to greet the new year:
"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." Edith Lovejoy Pierce
and this one:
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." Carl Bard
Why does it seem like others can say things so much better than I can? Starting a New Year is always exciting, isn't it? I mean it's a clean slate, pure and fresh. You get an opportunity to reflect on your life and think about the goals you want to pursue. Those goals are your "destination" for the New Year. If you're going on a trip, you need to thoughtfully pack your bags. Of course knowing your destination would surly help you pack your bags correctly but since I don't, I have to figure out what to take with me....what to carry with me daily.
As I sit here on day two of the year, here are some things I want to put in my bag:
A spirit of adventure for those moments when life doesn't play out exactly as I planned
Gratitude for those moments that take my breath away - I want more of these moments
Gentleness and forgiveness for dealing with people I interact with every day and myself
A sense of humor because levity is useful in almost any situation
Hope because the world could certainly use more hope
Generosity because giving away bits of your talents, time and self always lightens your load and brightens your spirit
Determination so that even when the destination seems far away, I will still able to put one foot in front of the other and keep heading in the right direction
Like most people I think we tend to over pack our bags and in reality we don't really use all that we bring with us but I think in this case I want to have more than I'll need so I can make choices. I've said it before but 2009 is going to be a year of choices, new adventures, new things.....living outside my comfort bubble. In order to to this I need to be sure I don't pack my fears, my negative voice or anything else that will get in my way, it's going to be a year of doing not wishing.
The time is now the place is here. Have a fabulous 2009.
Found these two quotes as I was checking email and the world wide web to see what I missed yesterday as I was lazy all day and did nothing to greet the new year:
"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." Edith Lovejoy Pierce
and this one:
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." Carl Bard
Why does it seem like others can say things so much better than I can? Starting a New Year is always exciting, isn't it? I mean it's a clean slate, pure and fresh. You get an opportunity to reflect on your life and think about the goals you want to pursue. Those goals are your "destination" for the New Year. If you're going on a trip, you need to thoughtfully pack your bags. Of course knowing your destination would surly help you pack your bags correctly but since I don't, I have to figure out what to take with me....what to carry with me daily.
As I sit here on day two of the year, here are some things I want to put in my bag:
A spirit of adventure for those moments when life doesn't play out exactly as I planned
Gratitude for those moments that take my breath away - I want more of these moments
Gentleness and forgiveness for dealing with people I interact with every day and myself
A sense of humor because levity is useful in almost any situation
Hope because the world could certainly use more hope
Generosity because giving away bits of your talents, time and self always lightens your load and brightens your spirit
Determination so that even when the destination seems far away, I will still able to put one foot in front of the other and keep heading in the right direction
Like most people I think we tend to over pack our bags and in reality we don't really use all that we bring with us but I think in this case I want to have more than I'll need so I can make choices. I've said it before but 2009 is going to be a year of choices, new adventures, new things.....living outside my comfort bubble. In order to to this I need to be sure I don't pack my fears, my negative voice or anything else that will get in my way, it's going to be a year of doing not wishing.
The time is now the place is here. Have a fabulous 2009.
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