I know the Universe conspires to send us signals, signs, messages but sometimes I wonder if we expect that to happen so we start over thinking things that happen. Is it possible to want someone else to give us the answers so badly that we start imagining messages or signs?
When one door closes another one opens....but what does that really mean? The cynic in me wants to yell...well break the freaking door down....but the optimist wants to say, relax, it wasn't meant to be. It's fine...something better is going to come along. I know there are no guarantees in life, the recent economy and market madness is a perfect example of that, but a girl wants a little guarantee that things are heading in the direction at least. Am I even on the road much less the path? I realize life is a journey and we are suppose to "enjoy" the ride but I wouldn't mind a little bit of direction or guidance.
A friend of mine (no it's not me) recently joined one of those on line dating places and has tried to get me to join too...but it's not my thing...she called me last night really upset because she has been doing this for 3 months now and she can't find a match. She has had a few conversations with people but not really found her mate. My question is why are you paying for a service and getting the same results you were getting without paying for it? It's like $129 bucks to join and she has the same outcome as when she was just doing her own thing...I don't get it. It seems wrong to me that a person should have to pay to find love. Why isn't it easier? It makes me wonder, is the Universe conspiring to send her a message? Is she too suppose to be one who remains a solo? That's what I wonder...if you aren't getting the response or messages are you suppose to change direction? Accept your fate? Who has the answers?
Nothing is easy. Although I think we make things harder on ourselves than we need to. Right now I'm fighting with my school regarding the quaility of their teachers...it's a losing battle I am fairly sure but I'm paying good money and the return on my investment is not what I expect. I expect to have a teacher who is knowledgeable and challenges me to learn and grow, as it is now I am not really challenged or learning anything new and am super annoyed at the stupidity of this current teacher. I have had some really good ones and a few total idiots. This teacher really pushed me last week to actually say out loud in class that this class is a complete waste of my time causing an audible gasp from the rest of the class who also share my thought but aren't dumb enough to say it outloud. After 3 phone calls and an email to the school all with no response I'm tempted to give up my fight. I'm basically buying my degree....for most people that's probably ok but honestly, if I have to spend the time and my hard earned money I want to reap some benefits from it other than taking the useless books to Half Priced Books and hoping for $20 out of it. Jesh.
Why are things so freaking hard? Maybe I'm making too much out of it. I will be done with my degree in June of 2009, less than 9 months away....do I really fight this fight or suck it up and get through 9 months? Things to ponder.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Weekends go by so fast
Isn't it amazing how a week tends to drag on and on and yet the weekend flies by in the blink of an eye? I had a pretty productive and fun weekend. I didn't do too much but it was really enjoyable. I spent most of Saturday day hanging out at home making jewelery and ran a few errands...then met some friends for a fun poker night. I pretty much lost all my money I had brought with (just a bucket of change) but it was a fun way to spend a night. I learned there are some things I'm just not good at...well besides the whole math thing. I learned I am not good at mixing drinks....I really should learn that skill...it will make me a better party goer. I can pour a glass of wine with the best of them but when it comes to measuring and mixing....I get lost. Possibly it is the whole math thing. :)
I also learned I have to learn my directions...I got so lost in freaking St. Louis Park trying to get back home. Granted it was late, 3am, and I had a few cocktails (earlier) and I was a little tired but overall, I took one wrong turn and I got lost in some neighborhood that seemed to be all dead ends....was the Universe trying to tell me something? I finally got home and to bed by about 4am. I was up again and off to meet friends by 10am on Sunday for breakfast and a movie. A little out of the normal for me but it was fun. I learned I have to learn to like cooking. I forgot how much I like breakfast and it would be nice to make it for myself now and then. Although I much prefer someone else cooking for me, but seeing as I live alone that really isn't going to happen anytime soon....so I must embrace that and learn to like it.
I learned that a job is a job no matter if you work in a big old corporation or a rental office or an architect firm....a job is a job. There will always be the idiot boss, the stupid/annoying co-worker or the office tramp and as long as I never end up in ONE of those roles I guess I'll be doing OK. Although how bad would it be if you were the office tramp...maybe I should re-think that?
I also learned that booze makes people spew out things they wouldn't normally tell someone they just met. I know I've done that before and if I remembered it at all I'm sure I'd be embarrassed but since it wasn't me this time it made me remember that drinking makes you stupid. That's why I think it's important to just drink to the point of being "moderately sedated" that way you still feel calm, cool and you remain collected. The trick is knowing when that last shot of tequila might be the one to push you over the edge. I hate being stupid drunk. Again, thankfully that wasn't me - :)
I like meeting new and interesting people. I like it when guarded people drop their guard just a notch and let you peek in that door that they have sealed so tight. It makes me want to keep knocking until I get to open it fully and peek inside. I don't need to kick it open and jump inside, just peek and see what's going on. I like people who don't really "live out loud" they make me feel calmer and more balanced. I should adopt some of that kind of living....I think it would be good for me. Although, can a zebra really change her stripes? Do I really need or want to?
Deep thoughts for the last Monday in September.
I also learned I have to learn my directions...I got so lost in freaking St. Louis Park trying to get back home. Granted it was late, 3am, and I had a few cocktails (earlier) and I was a little tired but overall, I took one wrong turn and I got lost in some neighborhood that seemed to be all dead ends....was the Universe trying to tell me something? I finally got home and to bed by about 4am. I was up again and off to meet friends by 10am on Sunday for breakfast and a movie. A little out of the normal for me but it was fun. I learned I have to learn to like cooking. I forgot how much I like breakfast and it would be nice to make it for myself now and then. Although I much prefer someone else cooking for me, but seeing as I live alone that really isn't going to happen anytime soon....so I must embrace that and learn to like it.
I learned that a job is a job no matter if you work in a big old corporation or a rental office or an architect firm....a job is a job. There will always be the idiot boss, the stupid/annoying co-worker or the office tramp and as long as I never end up in ONE of those roles I guess I'll be doing OK. Although how bad would it be if you were the office tramp...maybe I should re-think that?
I also learned that booze makes people spew out things they wouldn't normally tell someone they just met. I know I've done that before and if I remembered it at all I'm sure I'd be embarrassed but since it wasn't me this time it made me remember that drinking makes you stupid. That's why I think it's important to just drink to the point of being "moderately sedated" that way you still feel calm, cool and you remain collected. The trick is knowing when that last shot of tequila might be the one to push you over the edge. I hate being stupid drunk. Again, thankfully that wasn't me - :)
I like meeting new and interesting people. I like it when guarded people drop their guard just a notch and let you peek in that door that they have sealed so tight. It makes me want to keep knocking until I get to open it fully and peek inside. I don't need to kick it open and jump inside, just peek and see what's going on. I like people who don't really "live out loud" they make me feel calmer and more balanced. I should adopt some of that kind of living....I think it would be good for me. Although, can a zebra really change her stripes? Do I really need or want to?
Deep thoughts for the last Monday in September.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Joys of getting old
I live in a building with a lot of elderly folks whose main concerns seem to be about when the mail will arrive and what you are doing coming home on a Thursday night so late for! We have a camera in the lobby and apparently it's the channel of choice for alot of residents. I will often get questioned by them when I come home late on a week night. It always makes me laugh...I wonder when that channel on my tv will become a favorite.
When I work during the day at ET our office is across the hall from a salon...during the day and the weekends it's filled with older woman....not older like I'm older, OLDER.....they are regulars too. Once a week they are washed, ratted and curled into a fancy old lady do that lasts until the next week. You can tell when they leave that they are feeling really good. The couple that run the salon are super accomodating to their older clients....they have coffee, cookies and walk their clients to the bathrooms all day long. They are their bread and butter and I'm guessing all for a $2 tip. I wonder if they factor into the cost of doing their hair the fact that they will get very little or no tip. I think it would be difficult to have a job that forced me to count on tips as part of my income. I could never work on commission either, I need a reliable income source.
What do these ladies have to talk about all day I wonder? I'd love to be sitting in there to hear what the conversations are. I see them talking away but I can't imagine what they are even discussing...I'm pretty sure it's not the current economic situation but I might be wrong. It does make me wish my grandmother was still around, I'd love to take her to the salon or to get her nails done and just hang out with her. Makes me really miss that I didn't spend more time with her when she was here. I wonder if people will think that about me. If so, what keeps us from doing that - spending more time with the people we like?
I suppose there are lots of reasons we have for not spending time with the people we like, lack of time, we get bored, or we think something more fun or exciting might come along. We get wrapped up in our own little bubbles and forget there are others out there. I like it when a resident comes to sit in the office with me and tells me they missed me. I worked alot last month in the ET office and residents got to see me more than normal...then they sit and share stories with me. It's kinda fun. It also helps pass the time.
Looking forward to a fun weekend, going to my first poker party on Saturday, hopefully I'll be a skilled player and ready to head to Vegas. ha!
When I work during the day at ET our office is across the hall from a salon...during the day and the weekends it's filled with older woman....not older like I'm older, OLDER.....they are regulars too. Once a week they are washed, ratted and curled into a fancy old lady do that lasts until the next week. You can tell when they leave that they are feeling really good. The couple that run the salon are super accomodating to their older clients....they have coffee, cookies and walk their clients to the bathrooms all day long. They are their bread and butter and I'm guessing all for a $2 tip. I wonder if they factor into the cost of doing their hair the fact that they will get very little or no tip. I think it would be difficult to have a job that forced me to count on tips as part of my income. I could never work on commission either, I need a reliable income source.
What do these ladies have to talk about all day I wonder? I'd love to be sitting in there to hear what the conversations are. I see them talking away but I can't imagine what they are even discussing...I'm pretty sure it's not the current economic situation but I might be wrong. It does make me wish my grandmother was still around, I'd love to take her to the salon or to get her nails done and just hang out with her. Makes me really miss that I didn't spend more time with her when she was here. I wonder if people will think that about me. If so, what keeps us from doing that - spending more time with the people we like?
I suppose there are lots of reasons we have for not spending time with the people we like, lack of time, we get bored, or we think something more fun or exciting might come along. We get wrapped up in our own little bubbles and forget there are others out there. I like it when a resident comes to sit in the office with me and tells me they missed me. I worked alot last month in the ET office and residents got to see me more than normal...then they sit and share stories with me. It's kinda fun. It also helps pass the time.
Looking forward to a fun weekend, going to my first poker party on Saturday, hopefully I'll be a skilled player and ready to head to Vegas. ha!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Casual day, casual thoughts
I love casual days at work - jeans day! It's really a win win. You pay $2 towards a good cause and you get to wear jeans....woo hoo. I am seeing a lot of fall clothes on people now...I refuse to wear them...I pulled them out but I am not ready to wear them yet...can't do it. Still got on my open toe WHITE shoes. Yes it's true, I am a rebel.
I got alot of personal errands done last night. I actually had to exchange my new underwear, no I hadn't worn the ones I exchanged yet, I bought them too big. That was a fun problem. I also had a woman tell me this morning that I was getting skinny. HA.....those were her exact words. I was so stunned by them I said...WHAT? She said...you are getting so skinny! I kinda want to run and jump on a scale right now....I think she was just without caffeine this am but heck, I'll take it.
I love reality tv....American's Next Top Model has taught me a lot...I have pretty much perfected my super model walk too. Thank you Tyra because I got it going on!! I watched the show last night and I'm always amazed at how much the girls talk smack and as soon as they get in front of the camera they become these shy, scared, deer in the headlights. I mean they have hair, makeup and clothing picked out for them and they pretty much look like rock stars how come they don't bring that when then come to the shoot? I keep thinking man, I wouldn't hire anyone of these heffers...they are too young and have no real passion for what they are doing. I hope the judges see that. Mostly the judges are divas themselves so I'm not sure how unbaised they can really be. I keep thinking how fun it would be to be on a reality show. Man, I'm sure I'd be great tv.
I love facebook. It's this amazing social networking tool that allows me to have glimpses into people's lives I wouldn't normally have. I get to see pictures (although some are inappropriate and really shouldn't be shared) hear blurbs and see what they are up to. It's kind of fun to have little snapshots into 75 peoples lives. I approve.
This weather sure can't decide what it wants to do...it is frustrating that every Thursday it seems iffy out....I like to go walk down to the farmers market and wander but when the sky threatens to open up I don't want to be out in it. I need to go today to get some supplies for my cowboy cavier for this weekend. I'm looking forward to hanging out with some new friends and learning to play poker. I'm pretty sure I'll be the Tiger Woods of poker. You wait and see.
I got alot of personal errands done last night. I actually had to exchange my new underwear, no I hadn't worn the ones I exchanged yet, I bought them too big. That was a fun problem. I also had a woman tell me this morning that I was getting skinny. HA.....those were her exact words. I was so stunned by them I said...WHAT? She said...you are getting so skinny! I kinda want to run and jump on a scale right now....I think she was just without caffeine this am but heck, I'll take it.
I love reality tv....American's Next Top Model has taught me a lot...I have pretty much perfected my super model walk too. Thank you Tyra because I got it going on!! I watched the show last night and I'm always amazed at how much the girls talk smack and as soon as they get in front of the camera they become these shy, scared, deer in the headlights. I mean they have hair, makeup and clothing picked out for them and they pretty much look like rock stars how come they don't bring that when then come to the shoot? I keep thinking man, I wouldn't hire anyone of these heffers...they are too young and have no real passion for what they are doing. I hope the judges see that. Mostly the judges are divas themselves so I'm not sure how unbaised they can really be. I keep thinking how fun it would be to be on a reality show. Man, I'm sure I'd be great tv.
I love facebook. It's this amazing social networking tool that allows me to have glimpses into people's lives I wouldn't normally have. I get to see pictures (although some are inappropriate and really shouldn't be shared) hear blurbs and see what they are up to. It's kind of fun to have little snapshots into 75 peoples lives. I approve.
This weather sure can't decide what it wants to do...it is frustrating that every Thursday it seems iffy out....I like to go walk down to the farmers market and wander but when the sky threatens to open up I don't want to be out in it. I need to go today to get some supplies for my cowboy cavier for this weekend. I'm looking forward to hanging out with some new friends and learning to play poker. I'm pretty sure I'll be the Tiger Woods of poker. You wait and see.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Happy Hump Day~
There is something about a Wednesday that makes a week bearable. You are half way to the weekend and far enough away from Monday....it's all good by Wednesday. Especially if you have Friday off. Ahh, I sure am going to miss having Friday's off. What a delight it has been.
Fall is around the corner, the world is in the process of sluffing off the remains of summer (although it was 81 when I left work yesterday) and preparing for the chill of fall. Fall has to be my favorite time of the year. Seriously...the cool crips air, apples, pumpkins, falling leaves. Ahh. I can so appreciate falling leaves and the crunching sound they make under your feet when I don't have to spend time raking them. GOD I hated that. This time of the year a few years back was also the time the herd of cats moved in under my trailer. Thank God for Jason - the handy man I had a crush on. He was a really nice guy and really great to have on call when one needed something home repairs done cheaply. He rescused the cats out from under my trailer with a live trap...he was my hero. I don't think I ever saw him after that. I wonder what he's doing now.
Isn't if funny how quickly people become emeshed in our lives and how quickly they leave? I was thinking about that this morning when I found this old picture...it made me smile still but don't really have anything to do with those people anymore...none. We were connected at the hip for a long time and now I don't even remember their last name. Funny isn't it how time keeps giving us new people to love and care for.
REM songs always take me back in time...as I'm typing this they are singing NIGHT SWIMMING and I am having a little stroll down memory lane right now....I remember when this song was just becoming popular I was sitting on the deck of my condo staring out into the night sky listening to this song wondering what I was going to do with my life. Funny how right now I could do the very same thing.
Fall is around the corner, the world is in the process of sluffing off the remains of summer (although it was 81 when I left work yesterday) and preparing for the chill of fall. Fall has to be my favorite time of the year. Seriously...the cool crips air, apples, pumpkins, falling leaves. Ahh. I can so appreciate falling leaves and the crunching sound they make under your feet when I don't have to spend time raking them. GOD I hated that. This time of the year a few years back was also the time the herd of cats moved in under my trailer. Thank God for Jason - the handy man I had a crush on. He was a really nice guy and really great to have on call when one needed something home repairs done cheaply. He rescused the cats out from under my trailer with a live trap...he was my hero. I don't think I ever saw him after that. I wonder what he's doing now.
Isn't if funny how quickly people become emeshed in our lives and how quickly they leave? I was thinking about that this morning when I found this old picture...it made me smile still but don't really have anything to do with those people anymore...none. We were connected at the hip for a long time and now I don't even remember their last name. Funny isn't it how time keeps giving us new people to love and care for.
REM songs always take me back in time...as I'm typing this they are singing NIGHT SWIMMING and I am having a little stroll down memory lane right now....I remember when this song was just becoming popular I was sitting on the deck of my condo staring out into the night sky listening to this song wondering what I was going to do with my life. Funny how right now I could do the very same thing.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Life's Direction
I think sometimes rainy weather causes one to think about things on a deeper level. Or maybe the rain just helps bring out the stuff we tend to stuff so far down us that a sunny day seems to make everything feel ok?But today, in honor of this rainy day, I feel like letting it out.
Sometimes I feel like my life is like the sail of a boat - sometimes it's full and moving full steam ahead and other times it's like there is no breeze and my sail is hanging useless and I don't move at all.
To add another analogy to it - I feel like I am walking in quicksand these days. It's like I'm trying to go forward but I can't lift my feet enough to actually get moving. Is it the change of seasons? School is really really frustrating me right now. I'm paying good money and I don't feel like it's a great return on my investment...and when I call the school to try to talk to someone about it I get no response. Work is really really unsatisfying and really really not challenging me at all and mix all that in with my pretty much nonexistent my personal life Ugh. Don't even get me started on that. It's just...boring. Nothing really going on and it's boring me. If I were a TV show I'd shut me off or cancel it.
How does one go about recharging their own life? I am bored with myself...nothing new I do seems to add that va va voom I crave. Oh God, am I now boring? Have I reached the point where I no longer have any value to add? Wow....that's a little scary to think about. I know it comes at some point for everyone but I thought I might have some years before that actually happened. Can a person really run out of a way to add value to their own life? I feel really unmotivated these days to even do anything creative - not a good sign. Of course it doesn't help that I've been spending an obscene amount of time trying to transfer music from my Mac to my PC and it of course didn't work...what the...........ugh.
I remember being in my 20's thinking I had my whole life figured out. Remember shiny new shoes, sharp new pencils and the wonderful 64 crayon Crayola box with the built-in sharpener? Where have the simple joys gone to? I think as we get older we tend to analyze our life more, try to figure out why we aren't happier or where it is in life we think we should be. Is anyone really at a point in their life where they say THIS IS IT!? I've had moments....like when I was lying on the beach in Mexico or doing something super fabulous...I've thought THIS S IS IT. This is how I want to spend the rest of my days. Does that feeling really ever stay with a person? A better question is would we want it to? I mean if it does, what do we have to strive for then? I love rainy days. Feels like it washes the cob webs out of my noggin.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Life lessons learned in the oddest places
Life is so short...we all know that. You got to live each day like it's your last. Eat dessert first. Say what you mean, mean what you say. All good things to keep in mind as we navigate our lives. Sometimes one learns life lessons in the most random places. Like in a dressing room trying on a new hot pink bra.
Some people feel like they are soooo important that everyone must bear witness to the madness that is their own life. The other day I decided it was time for new undergarments....yeah it's a splurge purchase because who really wants to spend money on something on one really see's? Well until it's hanging out at the wrong times but mostly no one sees it. So I decide it was time to get the girls up where they belong so I go off on my adventure. As I was in the fitting room trying on my possible new purchases these two ladies in the room next to me were discussing their current "issues" and got me to thinking. At what cost do we give up ourselves all for the possibility of being loved by another?
They were talking about going out and girl A was saying she was really stressed because her boy hasn't worked in almost 3 months but according to their conversation they spend pretty much every weekend getting trashed and fighting. She was sick of supporting him and his two kids from a previous relationship and she had half a mind to quit her 2nd job. So what I gathered is she works 2 jobs to support him and his two kids. Friend B was telling her she should get out and meet someone new. Umm, how exactly is that going to work if boyfriend and his two kids are staying with you?
My immediate thought was wow...they are so young, they have sooooo much to learn but when I bumped into them as we were both leaving the fitting area these women were my age if not older. Seriously....my age! Wow. At this point in life you would really give up so quickly and settle for that kind of a life. Then I wondered would I? Wow. I realize the heart wants what the heart wants but at some point dumb ass has to play into it. I mean come on...what does she really expect to get out of that relationship? Clearly she is past child bearing age, she didn't seem particularly stupid although staying in that relationship is not the brightest move. What could she possibly be getting out of that relationship?
It must be a full moon or something because I just overheard this woman talking about her wedding that is coming up in Oct. and how much they have spent on it. JESUS GOD - $22,000 is the total. Say that with me $22,000. That's insane! That's the price of a car, or a mobile home....this is for ONE DAY! Her dress alone was $7,000. Who has $7,000 to spend on a white dress some one is going to spill food on or worse yet step on while you are dancing. Good Lord. I don't get it....what's wrong with eloping to Vegas?
The cost of being loved is really outrageous.
What are willing to give up to be in a relationship? I realize it's a form of give and take but it seems like some people are willing to pay a hefty price to be considered a couple. How much work is that to change yourself to fit into a "we". There is this older couple in my building who are always holding hands and I wonder - how do they do it. They seem to like each other, they appear to be happy, not like all giddy I'm in love happy, but content, satisfied, even comfortable happy. What is that secret? Did they have to get though all the drama and crap to get to that point or is there that one soul that you just fit with...that when you reach out your hand you don't even have to look, you just know theirs will be there. Sign me up for that.
Some people feel like they are soooo important that everyone must bear witness to the madness that is their own life. The other day I decided it was time for new undergarments....yeah it's a splurge purchase because who really wants to spend money on something on one really see's? Well until it's hanging out at the wrong times but mostly no one sees it. So I decide it was time to get the girls up where they belong so I go off on my adventure. As I was in the fitting room trying on my possible new purchases these two ladies in the room next to me were discussing their current "issues" and got me to thinking. At what cost do we give up ourselves all for the possibility of being loved by another?
They were talking about going out and girl A was saying she was really stressed because her boy hasn't worked in almost 3 months but according to their conversation they spend pretty much every weekend getting trashed and fighting. She was sick of supporting him and his two kids from a previous relationship and she had half a mind to quit her 2nd job. So what I gathered is she works 2 jobs to support him and his two kids. Friend B was telling her she should get out and meet someone new. Umm, how exactly is that going to work if boyfriend and his two kids are staying with you?
My immediate thought was wow...they are so young, they have sooooo much to learn but when I bumped into them as we were both leaving the fitting area these women were my age if not older. Seriously....my age! Wow. At this point in life you would really give up so quickly and settle for that kind of a life. Then I wondered would I? Wow. I realize the heart wants what the heart wants but at some point dumb ass has to play into it. I mean come on...what does she really expect to get out of that relationship? Clearly she is past child bearing age, she didn't seem particularly stupid although staying in that relationship is not the brightest move. What could she possibly be getting out of that relationship?
It must be a full moon or something because I just overheard this woman talking about her wedding that is coming up in Oct. and how much they have spent on it. JESUS GOD - $22,000 is the total. Say that with me $22,000. That's insane! That's the price of a car, or a mobile home....this is for ONE DAY! Her dress alone was $7,000. Who has $7,000 to spend on a white dress some one is going to spill food on or worse yet step on while you are dancing. Good Lord. I don't get it....what's wrong with eloping to Vegas?
The cost of being loved is really outrageous.
What are willing to give up to be in a relationship? I realize it's a form of give and take but it seems like some people are willing to pay a hefty price to be considered a couple. How much work is that to change yourself to fit into a "we". There is this older couple in my building who are always holding hands and I wonder - how do they do it. They seem to like each other, they appear to be happy, not like all giddy I'm in love happy, but content, satisfied, even comfortable happy. What is that secret? Did they have to get though all the drama and crap to get to that point or is there that one soul that you just fit with...that when you reach out your hand you don't even have to look, you just know theirs will be there. Sign me up for that.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Weekends and crabby people
What is it about a weekend that makes people so unhappy? I mean really, at 7:45am what could possibly make someone so incredibly unpleasant? Spend a good portion of my day today being crabbed at for various reasons: why isn't the coffee in the party room? you can't put that sign up here. why is the mail so late? why did you lock the door? blah blah blah. Jesus...do people realize they live in an apt. complex and not some 5 star resort where we as staff are not here to serve their every little whim. JESUS GOD!
It doesn't help that the office is like 900 degree's. There is no air circulation in this little office and I am tired of sweating like a freaking monkey. God lord, get me some air. I think I need to buy a fan for in here.
Last night at about 11:30 there was this knocking at my door....I was still up and thought...did someone just knock at my door? So I went to look out my peep hole - two younger guys were standing there with flowers in their hand and a bottle of wine...my first thought was WOO HOO...then I was like wait...I don't know anyone who would do that. So in all my evening glory I opened the door and said...um I think you are at the wrong apt unless I'm dreaming. Hee hee. I made them blush. They were very apologetic and very sweet.....but sadly I sent them away. I wonder who they were going to see with wine and flowers on a Friday night so late!
Weekends go by too fast. I always try to pack so much into the small amt of free time I have but it never seems to be enough time to get everything done. Things that don't really HAVE to be done but should be like cleaning, laundry, sorting through and trashing the extra crap I seemed to have accumulated. Where does this stuff come from and why do I think I need to hang on to it. It's not like I really have a need for these things....like Mardi Gra beads..why do I need 20 necklaces? I did clean out my closets last week (had a very productive Friday off work) and donated lots of things I don't wear or use at least in terms of clothes. Wish I could do that with other parts of my life.
I realize with age comes some form of crabbiness...but lately I really find myself encountering more and more really crabby people and I think it's kind of contagious. I really don't enjoy being surrounded by a whole bunch of people...it actually something I completely want to avoid. Old age or crabbiness...maybe a mix of both.
It doesn't help that the office is like 900 degree's. There is no air circulation in this little office and I am tired of sweating like a freaking monkey. God lord, get me some air. I think I need to buy a fan for in here.
Last night at about 11:30 there was this knocking at my door....I was still up and thought...did someone just knock at my door? So I went to look out my peep hole - two younger guys were standing there with flowers in their hand and a bottle of wine...my first thought was WOO HOO...then I was like wait...I don't know anyone who would do that. So in all my evening glory I opened the door and said...um I think you are at the wrong apt unless I'm dreaming. Hee hee. I made them blush. They were very apologetic and very sweet.....but sadly I sent them away. I wonder who they were going to see with wine and flowers on a Friday night so late!
Weekends go by too fast. I always try to pack so much into the small amt of free time I have but it never seems to be enough time to get everything done. Things that don't really HAVE to be done but should be like cleaning, laundry, sorting through and trashing the extra crap I seemed to have accumulated. Where does this stuff come from and why do I think I need to hang on to it. It's not like I really have a need for these things....like Mardi Gra beads..why do I need 20 necklaces? I did clean out my closets last week (had a very productive Friday off work) and donated lots of things I don't wear or use at least in terms of clothes. Wish I could do that with other parts of my life.
I realize with age comes some form of crabbiness...but lately I really find myself encountering more and more really crabby people and I think it's kind of contagious. I really don't enjoy being surrounded by a whole bunch of people...it actually something I completely want to avoid. Old age or crabbiness...maybe a mix of both.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Being alone
I've never liked being alone. I don't like eating alone, going to movies alone, shopping alone...well I kinda like shopping alone, cooking alone or just plain being alone. I'm not good at it, I don't enjoy it....and frankly I just don't get it. Back a few months ago I found myself in a new situation I haven't been in for a long time...free time.
Wow...what does one do with that? I had a mild panic attack. I've always been the type of person to have things to do...I like it. I enjoy having things to do and places to go, mostly I like it because then I'm not alone. Not that I have a fear of being alone, I just don't like it. Being in school provides me with an opportunity to spend a good bulk of my time doing homework - either on line or at the library or even hanging out at a coffee shop but now that I've got wireless internet at home, I really don't even need to get dressed to do homework. Of course I don't make coffee at home either so it kind of defeats the purpose of having coffee while I do homework (even if it is decaf) but regardless, again I don't have to be alone.
I have recently learned the joys of some quiet time, I accept that, I even crave that but that is completely different from being alone. Maybe it's my perception but it feels different to me. Quiet time is something I can do for awhile and then reconnect with people. Like when we were way up north at my friends cabin. I was there with people and yet I had these few hours alone and it was bliss...peaceful and magical. But when I was done, I had people right there with me again...it was perfect. My friend makes fun of me - mocking me that I HAVE to fill up all my open time with stuff to do. He seems to think it's a bad thing, I think it's a good thing. I like being busy, I like having things to do and I especially enjoy new things and people. Like most things in life I get bored with the same old same old...I need new interesting things to keep me engaged. I never understand those people who come home and plant themselves in front of a tv for 4 hrs and then go to bed just to get up and do it all over again the next day. Just not for me.
I've decided recently that I really want to learn to cook...not just a pot roast kind of cooking but really interesting cooking. More advanced, challenging type of cooking. I want to experiment with some new foods and some new things. Maybe if I find stuff to do like that I won't hate being alone so much. I guess time will tell.
Wow...what does one do with that? I had a mild panic attack. I've always been the type of person to have things to do...I like it. I enjoy having things to do and places to go, mostly I like it because then I'm not alone. Not that I have a fear of being alone, I just don't like it. Being in school provides me with an opportunity to spend a good bulk of my time doing homework - either on line or at the library or even hanging out at a coffee shop but now that I've got wireless internet at home, I really don't even need to get dressed to do homework. Of course I don't make coffee at home either so it kind of defeats the purpose of having coffee while I do homework (even if it is decaf) but regardless, again I don't have to be alone.
I have recently learned the joys of some quiet time, I accept that, I even crave that but that is completely different from being alone. Maybe it's my perception but it feels different to me. Quiet time is something I can do for awhile and then reconnect with people. Like when we were way up north at my friends cabin. I was there with people and yet I had these few hours alone and it was bliss...peaceful and magical. But when I was done, I had people right there with me again...it was perfect. My friend makes fun of me - mocking me that I HAVE to fill up all my open time with stuff to do. He seems to think it's a bad thing, I think it's a good thing. I like being busy, I like having things to do and I especially enjoy new things and people. Like most things in life I get bored with the same old same old...I need new interesting things to keep me engaged. I never understand those people who come home and plant themselves in front of a tv for 4 hrs and then go to bed just to get up and do it all over again the next day. Just not for me.
I've decided recently that I really want to learn to cook...not just a pot roast kind of cooking but really interesting cooking. More advanced, challenging type of cooking. I want to experiment with some new foods and some new things. Maybe if I find stuff to do like that I won't hate being alone so much. I guess time will tell.
Waltzing with death
Aren't we all doing this everyday? We take meds to control high blood pressure, go to the doctor, take pills, have surgeries...isn't every day really a waltz with death? I thought about this as I drove into work this morning and found the sky filled with helicopters in honor of the 35W Bridge reopening today. It was sort of surreal to see so many helicopters floating over the city, almost distracting really. It was a surreal drive into downtown. It seemed to me like traffic flowed much better than normal...possibly because people could finally use a major bridge that has been closed for so long or that people just seemed to be running late, either way my drive in was unusually pleasant.
13 months goes by in the blink of an eye doesn't it? I mean it was just 13 months ago that bridge went down changing peoples lives and making history. Since then there has been major focus on other bridges throughout the state and the fixing of them. It's sort of sad that we as a society wait until something terrible happens to fix something that should never have broke. Like car maintenance, why do we not keep up on the little things along the way? All of a sudden you get socked with a bunch of major issues because one thing goes and takes everything with it. It seems easy in hindsight to say these things but really we have to make more of an effort.
We lost a member of our family yesterday, my sister's family had to put down their dog Hunter. It's very sad. She is going to be sorely missed but I know she is going to be getting belly rubs and treats all day long now but it's really sad. I can't imagine her not being there.
Waltzing with death....it's a daily battle.
13 months goes by in the blink of an eye doesn't it? I mean it was just 13 months ago that bridge went down changing peoples lives and making history. Since then there has been major focus on other bridges throughout the state and the fixing of them. It's sort of sad that we as a society wait until something terrible happens to fix something that should never have broke. Like car maintenance, why do we not keep up on the little things along the way? All of a sudden you get socked with a bunch of major issues because one thing goes and takes everything with it. It seems easy in hindsight to say these things but really we have to make more of an effort.
We lost a member of our family yesterday, my sister's family had to put down their dog Hunter. It's very sad. She is going to be sorely missed but I know she is going to be getting belly rubs and treats all day long now but it's really sad. I can't imagine her not being there.
Waltzing with death....it's a daily battle.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Bumps in the road
Bumps in the road make us who we are as a person. We start out in life with no real direction, we as children, rely on our parents or some other adult, to guide us, to show us the way. We learn our values and self worth through our interaction with them and the world. At some point in our adult lives we come to the realization that we are who we have created and depending on the people you have surrounded yourself with that may be OK. If you are happy and OK with who you are and where you are at in life then great and kudo's to you- but if you are like most everyone else - someone or lots of someone's are telling you that who you are is wrong, who you have become and the path you are on is wrong and you must change to move forward.
That sucks.
For me personally I've spent a good 40 plus years trying different paths...I feel like Goldilocks - this one's too hard, this one's too boring...this one will kill me....where is the right path? Is there a right path and is it even reasonable to think I'll discover it?
Bumps in the road, that's what we label the icky parts of our lives. The parts that make you scream WHAT WAS I THINKING! Those moments shouldn't come too often but it seems like if you focus on the "bumps" that is all you seem to be encountering. I freaking hate the bumps in the road. I am almost done with school and I thought that as my degree completion got closer I'd somehow discover the answer to my eternal question: What is it that I want to do? When I think about that, it doesn't seem any clearer than when I started. I always think that magically things will get better, that they will change on their own. It doesn't seem to happen yet I always expect it to.
Stupid Hallmark Christmas.
Pink has a song called I'm a Hazard to Myself....talks about having to change everything about yourself to be who you think you want to be. We become our own worst enemy.....why do we think we have to change who we are? We are such complicated individuals aren't we. I think most of the time I don't really care what people think about me but then some sort of insecurity creeps in and I get all paranoid and think I have to change things about myself....really I don't have to I just think I need to. If I was hurting people or myself I can see making changes but just because someone may not like something about me is that really a reason to change?
This morning something really unusual happened to me...it's something I've seen happen to other people and even seen in the movies but it actually happened to me and it really made me sort of have hope again in humanity. I was standing in line in the cafeteria and this man in line in front of me bought my coffee (yes it was decaf!!) and I was so shocked by this random act of kindness I didn't quite know how to react. I stood there in complete bewilderment just staring at him....I almost hugged him. I of course thanked him profusely and he smiled and walked away. What a magical way to start a random Wednesday! No bump in the road today.
That sucks.
For me personally I've spent a good 40 plus years trying different paths...I feel like Goldilocks - this one's too hard, this one's too boring...this one will kill me....where is the right path? Is there a right path and is it even reasonable to think I'll discover it?
Bumps in the road, that's what we label the icky parts of our lives. The parts that make you scream WHAT WAS I THINKING! Those moments shouldn't come too often but it seems like if you focus on the "bumps" that is all you seem to be encountering. I freaking hate the bumps in the road. I am almost done with school and I thought that as my degree completion got closer I'd somehow discover the answer to my eternal question: What is it that I want to do? When I think about that, it doesn't seem any clearer than when I started. I always think that magically things will get better, that they will change on their own. It doesn't seem to happen yet I always expect it to.
Stupid Hallmark Christmas.
Pink has a song called I'm a Hazard to Myself....talks about having to change everything about yourself to be who you think you want to be. We become our own worst enemy.....why do we think we have to change who we are? We are such complicated individuals aren't we. I think most of the time I don't really care what people think about me but then some sort of insecurity creeps in and I get all paranoid and think I have to change things about myself....really I don't have to I just think I need to. If I was hurting people or myself I can see making changes but just because someone may not like something about me is that really a reason to change?
This morning something really unusual happened to me...it's something I've seen happen to other people and even seen in the movies but it actually happened to me and it really made me sort of have hope again in humanity. I was standing in line in the cafeteria and this man in line in front of me bought my coffee (yes it was decaf!!) and I was so shocked by this random act of kindness I didn't quite know how to react. I stood there in complete bewilderment just staring at him....I almost hugged him. I of course thanked him profusely and he smiled and walked away. What a magical way to start a random Wednesday! No bump in the road today.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
You don't have to be thin to be gorgeous
at least that's what Oprah says.....and Oprah is a God! I can hardly wait each month for her magazine, I love it. She is smart, funny and really seems to know what women need to hear. I so want to be her when I grow up!
Funny though.....society sort of makes us feel like thin is in...you are only worthy of being loved if you are a skinny thing. My grandma used to have a saying that I didn't really understand at the time but I really adore it now. She used to say "don't nobody want skin and bones but a dog and they just bury them" - such wise words. Of course she is the same woman that used to tell me that if she could fill my nose with nickels she'd be rich so I guess take it for what it's worth.
Maybe it's the change in season or something in the air but lately it seems people have been asking me more and more about my "skinny" friends. Is she seeing anyone, will she go out with me? Ask her if she wants to have lunch with me...and worst of all to see them moon over these girls, who by the way they have NO shot at...jesh! What is the attraction to a skinny girl anyway? I mean come on...they are tiny, they mostly don't eat, and honestly.....what is so attractive about all that? I realize I'll never be a magazine cover model but I am a pretty good conversationalist, I like to go out to eat and I am not afraid to just be me...why isn't that attractive? I don't get it. Maybe because I'm on the other side but really....stop asking me if my skinny friends are available!
Oprah says anyone can be gorgeous if you dress right...I guess I can see that. I know when I have on the right outfit I feel pretty darn good. Especially the right outfit with the right pair of shoes....if I could only get my hair to cooperate I'd be a rock star. I don't know that I have the income to dress like that but it's fun when you can find a deal.
Last night I was grocery shopping (because I don't have a wife and I have to) and I was noticing how many men grocery shop. I don't know that I really ever noticed that before but it seemed like there were a lot of men doing the shopping...how does that work? I got the giggles in the frozen meal section because there was this man who was like a blue collar worker (I imagined he was an auto mechanic or a construction worker) he was staring intently into the frozen pizza cooler with this completely deep in thought face like "do I want deluxe or just sausage? Do I want the all organic veggie soy cheese low carb pizza or the greasy meaty pizza." Ha ha...I then saw him in the cereal aisle with a similar look trying to figure out what cereal to purchase.
It's hard to make decisions on your own....at least food wise. I always have issues. I really need a wife...or at least someone to do the cooking and cleaning for me. I wonder if Oprah has an article on that.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Need a day off to recoup from the weekend.
That's what I'm talking about...a weekend like I just had...it was awesome. It was a nice balance of rest and fun and the crappy weather didn't even play a part in stopping anything. I am tired from the long weekend but I'll get through this day. Of course it's suppose to be beautiful all week which is a little maddening that this last weekend couldn't have had SOME of that weather but what are you going to do?
It's been a rough morning...things are going crazy here today with the announcement of the demise of Lehman Brothers and in turn the sale of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America. Scary times. Must go earn my keep.
It's been a rough morning...things are going crazy here today with the announcement of the demise of Lehman Brothers and in turn the sale of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America. Scary times. Must go earn my keep.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Rainbow Connection
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4GBnpS83As&feature=related
Check out this version of my favorite song. It's pretty dang amazing. If you think about rainbows really they are about opportunity and what they hope to offer us....kinda like a shooting star. My favorite line is - rainbows have nothing to hide. This song is really full of hidden meaning if you really listen to it.
Who said every wish would be heard and answered?
Enjoy this thought on a day like today.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side?Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...
Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name....
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,La laa la la laa dee daa doo...
Check out this version of my favorite song. It's pretty dang amazing. If you think about rainbows really they are about opportunity and what they hope to offer us....kinda like a shooting star. My favorite line is - rainbows have nothing to hide. This song is really full of hidden meaning if you really listen to it.
Who said every wish would be heard and answered?
Enjoy this thought on a day like today.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side?Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...
Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name....
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,La laa la la laa dee daa doo...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Beautiful day beautiful weather
Man I can't say enough how much I LOVE this weather. It's freaking awesome. I had the day off and so I played a little later last night than I would have on a Thursday night and then I sort of kept playing most of the night. My body still woke up at 7am though. I really tried to stay in bed but I was up and frankly I needed a few asprins..yeah...a little more than moderately sedated I was the night before. Oh well..it was fun.
I had today off and ran errands and then spent some time sitting alone at a coffee shop outside watching the world go by and just thought. Nothing earth shattering or all that deep really, just enjoying my life, the day and this incredible weather. I have so many things on my TO DO lists but I took some time to just chill alone. Not something I am good at doing but I am working on that.
I am working at ET until 7 then off to meet a friend for drinks...although tonight I believe I'll be having soda water and a twist of lime...but I will poke in some wings!!
Enjoy this sublime weather and weekend. Hoping to have fun posts this weekend as I plan to have my camera with me to document this weekend. :) Stay tuned!
I had today off and ran errands and then spent some time sitting alone at a coffee shop outside watching the world go by and just thought. Nothing earth shattering or all that deep really, just enjoying my life, the day and this incredible weather. I have so many things on my TO DO lists but I took some time to just chill alone. Not something I am good at doing but I am working on that.
I am working at ET until 7 then off to meet a friend for drinks...although tonight I believe I'll be having soda water and a twist of lime...but I will poke in some wings!!
Enjoy this sublime weather and weekend. Hoping to have fun posts this weekend as I plan to have my camera with me to document this weekend. :) Stay tuned!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Maybe age really doesn't matter
You know I realize I'm old...well not OLD old but....older. I get the higher the number the more years thing but I've never really felt old. Oh I've had moments or days but over all when I think about my actual age I'm sort of surprised. Maybe because I don't have a husband or kids wearing me down to my bones but I don't really feel my age. I don't really think about it until I meet someone I like and would like to spend more time with and then I realize OMG - they are only XX years old...like it's a bad thing. Why does it really even matter? If you enjoy spending time with people, they aren't hurting you or you them who cares? I mean if I were having some romantic relationship with a 24 year old...maybe the age difference would matter in terms of connection or maturity or whatever but overall....does it really matter?
Last night I attended a food expo event and brought along my friend and her boy. They are WAY younger than me....early 20's but man, we had fun. We laughed, we ate, we even went to the MOA afterwards and I really enjoyed spending time with them. Age had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. It was so easy to be with them. We laughed alot....and not just inappropriate laughter, although there was some of that too, but the deep laugh that makes your sound go away and nothing but forced air coming out so you sound like a cartoon character laughter. Ahh, it was nice. Plus NO drama or any hidden agenda - just fun. Just a couple of free spirits who just wandered into my life - nice - thanks Universe. Plus it was really enjoyable to hang out with a couple who actually like each other...so refreshing. It got me thinking when I got home....age really doesn't matter. As long as people are having fun, enjoy each others company age is merely a math thing...and anyone who knows me at all knows how I feel about math! What a fun revelation for a Wednesday night in the beginning of fall. Man I can't tell you how happy this weather makes me.
There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy. I think I'll try being happy for a bit...see where that brings me.
Last night I attended a food expo event and brought along my friend and her boy. They are WAY younger than me....early 20's but man, we had fun. We laughed, we ate, we even went to the MOA afterwards and I really enjoyed spending time with them. Age had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. It was so easy to be with them. We laughed alot....and not just inappropriate laughter, although there was some of that too, but the deep laugh that makes your sound go away and nothing but forced air coming out so you sound like a cartoon character laughter. Ahh, it was nice. Plus NO drama or any hidden agenda - just fun. Just a couple of free spirits who just wandered into my life - nice - thanks Universe. Plus it was really enjoyable to hang out with a couple who actually like each other...so refreshing. It got me thinking when I got home....age really doesn't matter. As long as people are having fun, enjoy each others company age is merely a math thing...and anyone who knows me at all knows how I feel about math! What a fun revelation for a Wednesday night in the beginning of fall. Man I can't tell you how happy this weather makes me.
There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy. I think I'll try being happy for a bit...see where that brings me.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Common sense or common courtsey?
When you walk in a door and someone is directly behind you do you just keep walking or do you make an attempt to hold the door for them. I don't mean stop every time and hold the door and let them walk in first I mean by not letting is slam shut in their face? When two people approach an escalator and after just having let the door slam in their face do you then sort of jump in front of them to get on the escalator or do you stop and let them on first? What has happened to common sense? I realize we all have things going on in our own lives but how can people be SO unaware that anyone besides themselves exists? Constantly amazes me. It shouldn't I guess but it does. We as people have become so self involved that we cease to think that our actions might actually effect (or is affect?) someone outside ourselves? I try to be really conscious of that, I'm not always 100% successful but I try.
My note from the Universe today -
For those who ponder and wonder and wrestle with the idea of what it is they really want, I have an answer that each would wholeheartedly agree with: "HAPPINESS."
And for those who ponder and wonder and wrestle with exactly what will bring them true happiness, I have an answer that each would wholeheartedly disagree with: "Just do something, do anything, as soon as possible, and do it with care."
And I'd add, "Trust me."
Seems very simple doesn't it. Maybe that's the key to true happiness...simple actions. Worth a try isn't it.
My note from the Universe today -
For those who ponder and wonder and wrestle with the idea of what it is they really want, I have an answer that each would wholeheartedly agree with: "HAPPINESS."
And for those who ponder and wonder and wrestle with exactly what will bring them true happiness, I have an answer that each would wholeheartedly disagree with: "Just do something, do anything, as soon as possible, and do it with care."
And I'd add, "Trust me."
Seems very simple doesn't it. Maybe that's the key to true happiness...simple actions. Worth a try isn't it.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Gossip is fun!
I like to know things as much as the next girl and I sure love celebrity gossip but man...some people freaking live to gossip! It's like heroin for them. There is this one person at work who is always asking me a million questions the second I get in the door. No matter what time it is...doesn't she ever go home or sleep? She is like a vulture waiting for me to come in every day swooping over me forcing me to share stuff or to ask me a bazillion questions about some event that happened the day before. I think I used to be that person.
I used to be a morning person, I would wake up all re-charged and ready to hit the ground running and I was the question queen. I would be all perky and chatty and talkative and now I want to shoot laser beams out my eyes at people like that. I never got that before. I TOTALLY get that now. I need to be up for awhile before I can even think about talking to people and for sure I can't deal with "morning" people first thing in the morning. Maybe age does change a person? All I know is I want to strangle freaky happy morning people without even thinking about it. Gossip is fun but not until after I've had a cup of coffee.
I'm amazed at how much stuff I don't know on a daily basis too. It's funny, people think because of my job I know so much more than I really do. Sometimes that's OK because they end up telling me things they THINK I know and other times things go down that I SHOULD have known about and I'm clueless. Corporate worlds are such a Rubik's cube.
I watched this movie last night (can check out free movies from the ET) called Addicted to Love with Matthew Broderick, Kelly Preston and Meg Ryan. It was basically the story of a couple (Mat & Kelly) who ended up breaking up because she found something different in New York - a better life, man, job...just better. He couldn't accept the fact that they were done and he followed her to New York and set up camp in an abandoned building across the street and he had some kind of equipment that let him spy on her and her new lover and then he met Meg Ryan and chaos ensued. Overall pretty uneventful and unbelievable but I guess a fine enough distraction from doing homework. One line in the movie really hit me...Matt said something like...you can't help who you love. Isn't that a powerful statement?
I remember recently saying to someone - Your heart wants what who your heart wants. Even though your head knows it's wrong, you can't make your heart stop wanting that person. Wow...such deep thoughts aren't they? Are we suppose to love someone so much that we forget ourselves and our own needs so much that only that other person matters? I've seen it happen when someone has a baby. Unconditional love...that all consuming, all powerful unconditional love. No questions asked, you just give your heart and soul to another being without even thinking about it. Wow...I don't think I've ever been able to do that. Don't know if I could. Scares me to even think about it but it happens every day. I've lost good friends to that sort of a feeling. They get all involved in a new realationship and the only thing they have to talk about is that other person. Shoot me now man...shoot me now.
Guess that's why I am who I am.
I used to be a morning person, I would wake up all re-charged and ready to hit the ground running and I was the question queen. I would be all perky and chatty and talkative and now I want to shoot laser beams out my eyes at people like that. I never got that before. I TOTALLY get that now. I need to be up for awhile before I can even think about talking to people and for sure I can't deal with "morning" people first thing in the morning. Maybe age does change a person? All I know is I want to strangle freaky happy morning people without even thinking about it. Gossip is fun but not until after I've had a cup of coffee.
I'm amazed at how much stuff I don't know on a daily basis too. It's funny, people think because of my job I know so much more than I really do. Sometimes that's OK because they end up telling me things they THINK I know and other times things go down that I SHOULD have known about and I'm clueless. Corporate worlds are such a Rubik's cube.
I watched this movie last night (can check out free movies from the ET) called Addicted to Love with Matthew Broderick, Kelly Preston and Meg Ryan. It was basically the story of a couple (Mat & Kelly) who ended up breaking up because she found something different in New York - a better life, man, job...just better. He couldn't accept the fact that they were done and he followed her to New York and set up camp in an abandoned building across the street and he had some kind of equipment that let him spy on her and her new lover and then he met Meg Ryan and chaos ensued. Overall pretty uneventful and unbelievable but I guess a fine enough distraction from doing homework. One line in the movie really hit me...Matt said something like...you can't help who you love. Isn't that a powerful statement?
I remember recently saying to someone - Your heart wants what who your heart wants. Even though your head knows it's wrong, you can't make your heart stop wanting that person. Wow...such deep thoughts aren't they? Are we suppose to love someone so much that we forget ourselves and our own needs so much that only that other person matters? I've seen it happen when someone has a baby. Unconditional love...that all consuming, all powerful unconditional love. No questions asked, you just give your heart and soul to another being without even thinking about it. Wow...I don't think I've ever been able to do that. Don't know if I could. Scares me to even think about it but it happens every day. I've lost good friends to that sort of a feeling. They get all involved in a new realationship and the only thing they have to talk about is that other person. Shoot me now man...shoot me now.
Guess that's why I am who I am.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Feeling and looking are two different things
I have days where I feel like - well like a true trailer park mama. Then there are days I feel fantastic like when I'm wearing the right outfit and the perfect pair of shoes. This weekend was more of the latter...especially on Sunday. I was really tired on Sunday but pushed myself to be productive and accountable. Two things I don't so much enjoy doing anymore. I sorta get it when older people say they are just plain tired....sadly I'm really starting to get that.
Saturday night I had a friends bbq and got home before midnight...so not terribly late and I only had 1 glass of wine, I intended on taking a shower when I got hom but was sooooo tired that I just crawled into bed. Since it was my weekend to work, I knew I had to be up and downstairs to open the building by 7:30am so I set my alarm for 7am. I intended on taking a shower and starting my day...well that didn't happen either. I hit snooze once (10 min) and then had about 20 min. to get dressed and downstairs. It only takes about 45 min to 1 hr to do all the things I need to do to open the building but then I was going grocery shopping and then laundry because our laundry room is going to be closed for a week (I think longer) so I was on a mission to get a lot done before I had to be back in the office at 11am.
I have to admit, I didn't put a lot of effort into my appearance, I did comb my hair and wore decent enough clothes but I beleive I could have done better...I was dragging and really sorry I had given up caffeine at this point. I felt like I looked like I lived back in my trailer. Ugh. Funny thing was people kept commenting on how nice I looked...I was like ARE YOU FREAKING BLIND? I guess how you feel doesn't necessiarly match how you look. What an interesting lesson to learn. It took me all night to think on that one though.
Today is the beginning of United Way week at work, they call it Employee Giving Campaign or EGC week....today myself and a co-worker are the hosts of Plinko. I'm pretty excited about that because even though I didn't get to play it for real on TPIR, I can have a moment now and host it. I hope it's as fun as I think it's going to be.
Saturday night I had a friends bbq and got home before midnight...so not terribly late and I only had 1 glass of wine, I intended on taking a shower when I got hom but was sooooo tired that I just crawled into bed. Since it was my weekend to work, I knew I had to be up and downstairs to open the building by 7:30am so I set my alarm for 7am. I intended on taking a shower and starting my day...well that didn't happen either. I hit snooze once (10 min) and then had about 20 min. to get dressed and downstairs. It only takes about 45 min to 1 hr to do all the things I need to do to open the building but then I was going grocery shopping and then laundry because our laundry room is going to be closed for a week (I think longer) so I was on a mission to get a lot done before I had to be back in the office at 11am.
I have to admit, I didn't put a lot of effort into my appearance, I did comb my hair and wore decent enough clothes but I beleive I could have done better...I was dragging and really sorry I had given up caffeine at this point. I felt like I looked like I lived back in my trailer. Ugh. Funny thing was people kept commenting on how nice I looked...I was like ARE YOU FREAKING BLIND? I guess how you feel doesn't necessiarly match how you look. What an interesting lesson to learn. It took me all night to think on that one though.
Today is the beginning of United Way week at work, they call it Employee Giving Campaign or EGC week....today myself and a co-worker are the hosts of Plinko. I'm pretty excited about that because even though I didn't get to play it for real on TPIR, I can have a moment now and host it. I hope it's as fun as I think it's going to be.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Sundays
I used to love Sundays when I was little. It was the one day both my parents were home and sometimes, not often, but sometimes we had nice Sundays. Sometimes we'd have to spend the day cleaning or doing lawn work or crap I hated but sometimes we'd get to do something fun. I used to love to go grocery shopping with my dad. It was something my mom rarely did because my dad was really the major cook in our family. I loved wandering the asiles looking at all the food and helping him load up the cart and talk about his plans for cooking....I miss being a part of something like that. I thought about that as I grocery shopped this morning alone at The Cub.
I had made a listbefore I left, but as I rounded one corner there was this display set up, with a coupon of course, that was basically trying to sell you a meal. It was tacos..so it was hamburger, lettus, salsa, cheese and tortillas. If you bought all that you could save $4.50. It made me think of shopping with my dad. He would ask me while we were shopping questions like what would I like for dinner on some night and I remember feeling like I'd just won the lottery because I got to choose something that the whole family would eat. My favorite...what did I want!! It made me think good thoughts about my childhood. Is it weird that my good thoughts happen to be food related? Hmm, never even considered that until just now. Interesting. I miss having someone around to shop with or to shop for. Not all the time but I guess on gloomy gus days like today I wish I had that. I see people coming in the building together laughing and carrying grocery bags and I kinda want that. Weird what the weather makes you think about.
A friend had a bbq last night and it was so laid back and casual that by 9:30 we were all pretty tired...of course we had stuffed our bodies full of steak and crab legs so I imagine the meat coma was settling in. Wish I didn't have to work today, I'd kinda like to be laying around watching lifetime movies slipping in and out of naps all day today....oh well. I'll be glad at the end of the month I'm sitting here surfing the internet watching people go on with their own lives.
Man I am so digging this cooler weather, I love summer and the hot days by the pool but these cool days and chilly nights make me really happy. Although I had a freaky weird dream last night - must have been all that meat I poked in. I read yesterday in a People magazine that James Gandolfini got married to a fairly younger woman and I thought it was weird because I always sort of think of him as Tony from The Sopranos and thought what about his wife....but I dreamed I was on some reality dating show and it was my turn for a 1:1 date with James Gandolfini. He took me to his house which was at the end of this dirt road and next to a huge factory. The living room was just pillows, no real furniture any where just a ton of pillows and he told me to wait there and he went down a hall. Then this woman, a bleach blonde, comes out and tells me to leave because she was going to be with James not me and we got into a fight, like a physical fight and then all of a sudden were in a boxing ring. It was bizarre. Then we realized we didn't want to fight and I left. I left in a limo....which I had not arrived in and I kept thinking this is so weird, I didn't come in a limo. Wild.
This cool weather gives a girl odd odd dreams.
I had made a listbefore I left, but as I rounded one corner there was this display set up, with a coupon of course, that was basically trying to sell you a meal. It was tacos..so it was hamburger, lettus, salsa, cheese and tortillas. If you bought all that you could save $4.50. It made me think of shopping with my dad. He would ask me while we were shopping questions like what would I like for dinner on some night and I remember feeling like I'd just won the lottery because I got to choose something that the whole family would eat. My favorite...what did I want!! It made me think good thoughts about my childhood. Is it weird that my good thoughts happen to be food related? Hmm, never even considered that until just now. Interesting. I miss having someone around to shop with or to shop for. Not all the time but I guess on gloomy gus days like today I wish I had that. I see people coming in the building together laughing and carrying grocery bags and I kinda want that. Weird what the weather makes you think about.
A friend had a bbq last night and it was so laid back and casual that by 9:30 we were all pretty tired...of course we had stuffed our bodies full of steak and crab legs so I imagine the meat coma was settling in. Wish I didn't have to work today, I'd kinda like to be laying around watching lifetime movies slipping in and out of naps all day today....oh well. I'll be glad at the end of the month I'm sitting here surfing the internet watching people go on with their own lives.
Man I am so digging this cooler weather, I love summer and the hot days by the pool but these cool days and chilly nights make me really happy. Although I had a freaky weird dream last night - must have been all that meat I poked in. I read yesterday in a People magazine that James Gandolfini got married to a fairly younger woman and I thought it was weird because I always sort of think of him as Tony from The Sopranos and thought what about his wife....but I dreamed I was on some reality dating show and it was my turn for a 1:1 date with James Gandolfini. He took me to his house which was at the end of this dirt road and next to a huge factory. The living room was just pillows, no real furniture any where just a ton of pillows and he told me to wait there and he went down a hall. Then this woman, a bleach blonde, comes out and tells me to leave because she was going to be with James not me and we got into a fight, like a physical fight and then all of a sudden were in a boxing ring. It was bizarre. Then we realized we didn't want to fight and I left. I left in a limo....which I had not arrived in and I kept thinking this is so weird, I didn't come in a limo. Wild.
This cool weather gives a girl odd odd dreams.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Night club or bar?
Words have power. I know that but it's funny how one word can change the way you feel about something. I was talking to this older gentleman and he was telling me a story about when he and his buddies used to go out to the night clubs and tip back a few. That image is so much more graceful than going to the bar and getting trashed. I like the way words have the power to take you to a certain place in time with just the mentioning of them.Maybe that's why I have such admiration for writers...they have the ability to conger up images by using words. To take one back, or forward, to some place in time with just the spelling of letters. What a gift that must be. The power that comes from making your fingers type what your mind is thinking amazes me. I like to think I can do that but I am such an amateur at it that mine tends to me more of a babbleness of words (is that even a word?) that flows out of me that it doesn't feel like it's at all at the same level.
I adore days like today! The coolness of the air and the bright sunshine give me such a sense of contentment that I wish I could bottle it and use it other times. This kind of weather makes me want to cook...isn't that funny...I don't even really like to cook but it makes me want to want to cook. Aren't we complicated individuals!!!!
Friday, September 5, 2008
There is no path. The path is made by walking.
That may explain why I can't ever seem to find this coveted path. This was an email quote I received today - it's funny how topical they seem to be. As I was leaving my apartment this am 2 cop cars and an ambulance were sitting right outside the front doors. It made me wonder whose life was in the process of changing...and probably as a surprise to them. I was thinking isn't is odd how quickly life changes...how fast the path your on seems to get covered with moss or overgrown with trees to the point that you can no longer even see the path you thought you were suppose to be on....paths....who said we have to be on one anyway?
I remember back to my high school days when it was career day...I thought back then that I would be a teacher, that I would have a classroom full of kids that adored me....isn't that funny. Of course being a teacher is rewarding in it's own rights I'm sure, when it came down to me really committing to that life I didn't...I got scared and stopped. Scared I'd never make it through school, scared I'd be a terrible teacher or worse yet, scared I'd be a teacher but the kids would all despise me...so in typical me fashion I talked myself out of that path. I still wanted to be with kids though so I nannied for several years. I loved it...the family mostly loved me but like any family, they had their dysfunction and the kids grew and soon they didn't need me either...that path ended. Then I was stuck...confused....I was in my early 20's, no education past high school and I was trying to find a job other than working at Sears selling maintence agreements (telephone sales) - ahh...where would the path next open up to me? My parents advice to me as I was ending my senior year of high school was not to waste my time with college. Can you imagine telling that to your child? Anyway, I of course listened and here I was, early 20's and no real options. What a path. I ended up going through a temp agency and they sent me here...where I have basically spent the last 20 plus years crawling up the corporate food chain.
Hmm, interesting path isn't it. I left once - it was a scary dark place out there and within a year I found myself back...back home? Well back here anyway. I don't regret it...I don't even regret leaving because I really learned alot about myself and my real value and I think about that alot. I did meet some really great people, some I still stay in contact with so overall really good. So as I pulled into my parking spot this morning I thought alot about where I am...where I want to be (still don't have that answer) and how I think I'm going to get there....don't have that answer either but I do know that I am done with school next year and having a 4 year degree had better be a freaking stepping place on my path or I don't know what I'll do. Is it possible to cut your own path through uncharted territory? The settlors did it so I suppose I could too.
Here is my thought from the Universe today as well...weird how it always ties into my own personal thoughts. Maybe the Universe is real?
Whenever your perspective on something creates emotional pain, it's always because your perspective is still so narrow that you've yet to see all the good it will make possible. Because it will.
I remember back to my high school days when it was career day...I thought back then that I would be a teacher, that I would have a classroom full of kids that adored me....isn't that funny. Of course being a teacher is rewarding in it's own rights I'm sure, when it came down to me really committing to that life I didn't...I got scared and stopped. Scared I'd never make it through school, scared I'd be a terrible teacher or worse yet, scared I'd be a teacher but the kids would all despise me...so in typical me fashion I talked myself out of that path. I still wanted to be with kids though so I nannied for several years. I loved it...the family mostly loved me but like any family, they had their dysfunction and the kids grew and soon they didn't need me either...that path ended. Then I was stuck...confused....I was in my early 20's, no education past high school and I was trying to find a job other than working at Sears selling maintence agreements (telephone sales) - ahh...where would the path next open up to me? My parents advice to me as I was ending my senior year of high school was not to waste my time with college. Can you imagine telling that to your child? Anyway, I of course listened and here I was, early 20's and no real options. What a path. I ended up going through a temp agency and they sent me here...where I have basically spent the last 20 plus years crawling up the corporate food chain.
Hmm, interesting path isn't it. I left once - it was a scary dark place out there and within a year I found myself back...back home? Well back here anyway. I don't regret it...I don't even regret leaving because I really learned alot about myself and my real value and I think about that alot. I did meet some really great people, some I still stay in contact with so overall really good. So as I pulled into my parking spot this morning I thought alot about where I am...where I want to be (still don't have that answer) and how I think I'm going to get there....don't have that answer either but I do know that I am done with school next year and having a 4 year degree had better be a freaking stepping place on my path or I don't know what I'll do. Is it possible to cut your own path through uncharted territory? The settlors did it so I suppose I could too.
Here is my thought from the Universe today as well...weird how it always ties into my own personal thoughts. Maybe the Universe is real?
Whenever your perspective on something creates emotional pain, it's always because your perspective is still so narrow that you've yet to see all the good it will make possible. Because it will.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Can one become interesting?
"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore... and who always will. It's useless to worry about the past - obviously it cant' be changed - all you have is the future...so listen to your soul and move forward."
I liked that quote, it sort of tags onto yesterdays thought but I thought it fitting for today as well. Today I wonder....can a person become interesting or is that something you just are?
I don't know that I would call my self interesting...I'm kinda boring really, I mean I get up, go to work, go home, sometimes go to school, or to a second job or occasionally out to dinner with a friend. I live alone, have no kids and until recently I didn't even have the Internet at home...how am I interesting? In the past few days I have been told a few times that I was an "interesting" person. I am not sure what that really means...does it mean strange, weird, odd, stupid, boring and they are just being nice by using the word "interesting"? Kind of like you do when your friend gets a new hair style and you say "Wow...that's different" and you really mean "Dear God that's horrible!". Anyway, I found those comments - well interesting.
I want to believe I am an interesting person, that I have things to bring to a conversation or to a group of people but is that one's own disillusion? Food for thought.
Here is another thought that came to me today as I overheard a conversation this am from these two people saying all the things they wish they had done this summer. Made me think did I miss out on something? What do I wish I would have done? I started to make a list....in no particular order here are some things I wish I had done:
1. Rode a horse
2. Gone fishing (I think I might enjoy it. I think I want to try ice fishing)
3. Learn to enjoy cooking
4. Walk around the lakes (any lake)
5. Spend time in a cabin on a lake
6. Gone to an outdoor movie (do they even still have those?)
7. Drive a real golf cart (don't want to golf, just want to drive the cart!)
8. Go to an outdoor concert
9. Have a water balloon fight
10. Lie in the dark and watch the stars
Time goes by so quickly and it's hard to plan things...the best things are the spontaneous unplanned events...they always provide me with the most fun. Isn't that an interesting thought.
I liked that quote, it sort of tags onto yesterdays thought but I thought it fitting for today as well. Today I wonder....can a person become interesting or is that something you just are?
I don't know that I would call my self interesting...I'm kinda boring really, I mean I get up, go to work, go home, sometimes go to school, or to a second job or occasionally out to dinner with a friend. I live alone, have no kids and until recently I didn't even have the Internet at home...how am I interesting? In the past few days I have been told a few times that I was an "interesting" person. I am not sure what that really means...does it mean strange, weird, odd, stupid, boring and they are just being nice by using the word "interesting"? Kind of like you do when your friend gets a new hair style and you say "Wow...that's different" and you really mean "Dear God that's horrible!". Anyway, I found those comments - well interesting.
I want to believe I am an interesting person, that I have things to bring to a conversation or to a group of people but is that one's own disillusion? Food for thought.
Here is another thought that came to me today as I overheard a conversation this am from these two people saying all the things they wish they had done this summer. Made me think did I miss out on something? What do I wish I would have done? I started to make a list....in no particular order here are some things I wish I had done:
1. Rode a horse
2. Gone fishing (I think I might enjoy it. I think I want to try ice fishing)
3. Learn to enjoy cooking
4. Walk around the lakes (any lake)
5. Spend time in a cabin on a lake
6. Gone to an outdoor movie (do they even still have those?)
7. Drive a real golf cart (don't want to golf, just want to drive the cart!)
8. Go to an outdoor concert
9. Have a water balloon fight
10. Lie in the dark and watch the stars
Time goes by so quickly and it's hard to plan things...the best things are the spontaneous unplanned events...they always provide me with the most fun. Isn't that an interesting thought.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Problems are messages
Really? Problems are messages? I've always thought of problems as - well - problems...pains in my ass, something I need to figure out, something I wish SOMEONE else would figure out for me - but messages...never would have gone there.
I had dinner (mostly drinks! I was DD though) with a friend last night and she was sharing some of the situations (um problems) in her life right now and it wasn't just about how to solve the problem immediately it was more about the long term aspects of how the decision would effect (or is it affect?) her life in say 10 or 15 years...down the road. I was stunned by her insight into herself. I've never been one to think much past the moment...the here and now and here was this MUCH younger girl trying to make the right decision for the long run...I had to buy her another drink! I've always admired people that have the ability to look at themselves or their lives in such an objective manner. I'm barely able to think ahead to this weekend and worried that I might make a wrong decision regarding my social activity (or lack there of) and she is thinking long term life decisions. Wow...where did my parents go wrong?
You can always blame your parents....I've known mine my whole life and I've come to accept the dysfunction that is my family for what it is...I used to try to change it..to wish it were something else but you can't you can only accept and move past. Funny isn't it how different everyone learns to deal with their own damage. Some people forge ahead and build a better life for themselves and others sort of sit and wallow in the dysfunction. My left eye is driving me nuts these past few days, must be allergies, but it's watering and sort of burning all the time and one of my co-workers said try some benadryl and I said I just want to pluck it out. Then I thought that's kinda what I want to do with things...problems...just get rid of them.....rather than deal with them...interesting what a watery eye can make one realize about themselves before 7:00am isnt' it.
My message from the Universe was this today:
Even when the earth suddenly shakes, tides unexpectedly surge, and all hope seems lost, in the split second that follows I have a brand new plan, I know what we'll do, and I've got the pedal to the metal.
Just get back in your saddle and ride,
The Universe
Weird how things all just tie into one another isn't it.
I had dinner (mostly drinks! I was DD though) with a friend last night and she was sharing some of the situations (um problems) in her life right now and it wasn't just about how to solve the problem immediately it was more about the long term aspects of how the decision would effect (or is it affect?) her life in say 10 or 15 years...down the road. I was stunned by her insight into herself. I've never been one to think much past the moment...the here and now and here was this MUCH younger girl trying to make the right decision for the long run...I had to buy her another drink! I've always admired people that have the ability to look at themselves or their lives in such an objective manner. I'm barely able to think ahead to this weekend and worried that I might make a wrong decision regarding my social activity (or lack there of) and she is thinking long term life decisions. Wow...where did my parents go wrong?
You can always blame your parents....I've known mine my whole life and I've come to accept the dysfunction that is my family for what it is...I used to try to change it..to wish it were something else but you can't you can only accept and move past. Funny isn't it how different everyone learns to deal with their own damage. Some people forge ahead and build a better life for themselves and others sort of sit and wallow in the dysfunction. My left eye is driving me nuts these past few days, must be allergies, but it's watering and sort of burning all the time and one of my co-workers said try some benadryl and I said I just want to pluck it out. Then I thought that's kinda what I want to do with things...problems...just get rid of them.....rather than deal with them...interesting what a watery eye can make one realize about themselves before 7:00am isnt' it.
My message from the Universe was this today:
Even when the earth suddenly shakes, tides unexpectedly surge, and all hope seems lost, in the split second that follows I have a brand new plan, I know what we'll do, and I've got the pedal to the metal.
Just get back in your saddle and ride,
The Universe
Weird how things all just tie into one another isn't it.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Does your soul have a voice?
I had to come into work really early today (6:15) because we had a breakfast meeting at 7 I had to help get set up for. I am really convinced that the wrong people are running the world. We had a breakfast that was sponsored by an outside group and they seemed sort of incompetent. First the people setting things up got here much later than we did, they were completely unprepared...they had huge banners to hang but nothing to hang them with and even though people had to register for this event (over 100 people) they all had to stop and sign in AND hand write a name tag...honestly....the wrong people in the wrong jobs! I wonder, are they happy doing their jobs?
As I drove into work the sky was this errie cloudy hub bub of activity just waiting to happen. At one point giant rain drops came spitting out of the sky like giant balls of water pelting my car and then just stopped. It was really odd. I started thinking how nice it would have been to just lay on the couch and stare out at this all day pondering life's meaning but I was already dressed and on my way to work so I couldn't do that. I was listening to my favorite cd (Jay Brannon) and his one song I really love that has the line that says why can't I have it all...that made me think about my own life and the struggle I have been having lately as I try to figure out my purpose (again!) and my inner voice spoke up or finally made it through all the outside chatter.
What does my soul want? Wanting is very different from needing...what does my inner soul want? Then I wonder...does my soul have a voice? Has mine been talking to me and I just can't hear it? I get by fine, I go about my life and my day to day activities without any real concern or issue and maybe it's an age thing but lately I really feel like something is missing. I can't figure it out. What does my soul need. It's clearly missing something and I just can't seem to hear what it's telling me. I admit I haven't been very good at listening to it but it is clearly trying to tell me something. The dictionary defines a soul as: the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life. Immaterial essence of an individual life. I think there comes a point in time that we have stuffed down our own voice for so long and knowing my voice, it can't be kept quiet very long before it starts shouting like Horton Hears a Who...I'm here....I'm here. Great, now what do I do with that?
As I drove into work the sky was this errie cloudy hub bub of activity just waiting to happen. At one point giant rain drops came spitting out of the sky like giant balls of water pelting my car and then just stopped. It was really odd. I started thinking how nice it would have been to just lay on the couch and stare out at this all day pondering life's meaning but I was already dressed and on my way to work so I couldn't do that. I was listening to my favorite cd (Jay Brannon) and his one song I really love that has the line that says why can't I have it all...that made me think about my own life and the struggle I have been having lately as I try to figure out my purpose (again!) and my inner voice spoke up or finally made it through all the outside chatter.
What does my soul want? Wanting is very different from needing...what does my inner soul want? Then I wonder...does my soul have a voice? Has mine been talking to me and I just can't hear it? I get by fine, I go about my life and my day to day activities without any real concern or issue and maybe it's an age thing but lately I really feel like something is missing. I can't figure it out. What does my soul need. It's clearly missing something and I just can't seem to hear what it's telling me. I admit I haven't been very good at listening to it but it is clearly trying to tell me something. The dictionary defines a soul as: the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life. Immaterial essence of an individual life. I think there comes a point in time that we have stuffed down our own voice for so long and knowing my voice, it can't be kept quiet very long before it starts shouting like Horton Hears a Who...I'm here....I'm here. Great, now what do I do with that?
Monday, September 1, 2008
Does age really matter?
The first time I really became aware of age was when I was about 10 or 12. I remember having this realization that my parent were OLD - they were in their 40's - this of course made my grandparents in their 60's. I remember this moment so clearly thinking wow...I wonder if I'll ever be that old. I remember wanting to be 18 so badly so that I could move out and have my own life but I sure didn't want to be in my 40's.
As I laid in bed this morning listening to the planes rattle this house (I'm house and dog sitting over near the airport) I thought...Jesus....I'm in my 40's....getting closer to 50 everyday...wow. It also seems that as I get older people around me seem to get younger. I don't feel old and the people I hang with don't seem to mind my age but when you really thing about it...I'm old.
Does age really matter? I mean does it really make any difference in the way people communicate or connect? It's more about how you feel with the other person...right? But if you don't have anything in common then I guess age does really matter. Sure there is a certain maturity and calmness that comes with age but I've met some young people that seem to have that as well....so it's hard to say. I just don't want to BE old.
There is a difference between being old and becoming old. Age is really just the # of birthdays you have and becoming old is more in the way you act and portraty yourself. I love that people don't beleive I am as old as I am. It gives me great joy but it doesn't change the fact that it's hard to get past the fact that I have been around a long time and it's probably my own issues with my own age that limits me. I realize alot of the limits are self imposed but they are still limits. My 5 year old nephew has now reached the age where he stops running into my open arms whenever I arrive - he also hates to give you a hug as well. I've accepted this from my 15 year old nephew, even though I still grab him and hug him much to his dismay, I don't accept it from my 5 year old nephew. Man - it kinds blows to get old.
As I laid in bed this morning listening to the planes rattle this house (I'm house and dog sitting over near the airport) I thought...Jesus....I'm in my 40's....getting closer to 50 everyday...wow. It also seems that as I get older people around me seem to get younger. I don't feel old and the people I hang with don't seem to mind my age but when you really thing about it...I'm old.
Does age really matter? I mean does it really make any difference in the way people communicate or connect? It's more about how you feel with the other person...right? But if you don't have anything in common then I guess age does really matter. Sure there is a certain maturity and calmness that comes with age but I've met some young people that seem to have that as well....so it's hard to say. I just don't want to BE old.
There is a difference between being old and becoming old. Age is really just the # of birthdays you have and becoming old is more in the way you act and portraty yourself. I love that people don't beleive I am as old as I am. It gives me great joy but it doesn't change the fact that it's hard to get past the fact that I have been around a long time and it's probably my own issues with my own age that limits me. I realize alot of the limits are self imposed but they are still limits. My 5 year old nephew has now reached the age where he stops running into my open arms whenever I arrive - he also hates to give you a hug as well. I've accepted this from my 15 year old nephew, even though I still grab him and hug him much to his dismay, I don't accept it from my 5 year old nephew. Man - it kinds blows to get old.
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