Swirling head, confused heart

I remember what it was like to be young and to be on my own for the first time. That sense of freedom, of the endless possibilities that lay before me. The first time I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and I didn't have to report to anyone! I remember finally being the captain of my own ship!! I thought I was something, I could finally do the things I wanted and not having to think about anyone else. I remember thinking "oh man, my parents SO wouldn't approve" but I did them anyway....consequences be dammed! :)

I did wild and crazy things like eating Taco Bell at 1am on a work night....or having people over and then waking up with them scattered all over my house the next day and climbing over them to get dressed and go to work, or get in my car and drive all night only to go swimming early the next morning in a freezing lake. Oh yeah, I was a wild one!!

I didn't break other people's things, or threaten people because I couldn't get my own way or throw trash out my window because I was too lazy to walk down a few flights of stairs to the garbage bin. Seriously....how do these people even exist? What did their parents do to them?

I support the NO RULES kind of a lifestyle, I applaud the I'M NOT CONFORMING TO THE MAN'S RULES thought and I absolutely approve of the I WANT TO CHALLENGE YOU BECAUSE I THINK YOUR WRONG mentality but not at the cost of other people's rights to live or enjoy their own space.

We had an incident with a very young resident last night that resulted in a sort of shouting match/almost altercation that really isn't over but I had to deal with. The problem is that not only am I a resident with a right to speak my mind, I am an employee so I have to walk a fine line. I can't be standing in our lobby having a shouting match with this young, immature, stupid boy, I have to be the bigger person as well as the adult and try to diffuse the situation.

It's not a place I find myself enjoying being. However, my other friend in the office is quite good at it. Maybe because she wants to be a lawyer when she grows up but she really can argue a point with a crazy person like no one I've ever seen! She really knows how to use her words...I really want to be her when I grow up!!

Long story short, I have to let it go but the thing that irks me...what gets under my skin is this young, immature, snotty nosed kid gets to walk around spewing whatever half truths he wants to about the situation, about me, about what really happened and I have to just let him. I can't share what's really happening, what really is going on because as an employee, I can't. I refuse to let him jeopardize my job because he's being an ass. I just hope the residents he's spewing his half truths too are smart enough to realize that. I can't do anything to change that but it does make me angry. I don't like it when other people get to talk about me and I can't defend it.

I remember being so young and thinking I could change the world but I wonder, was I really ever so irrational? I kept thinking to myself...what have his parents done to him? How did they raise a child so self-absorbed and why in God's name do they keep bailing him out? He needs consequences for his actions, there are some rules (like common sense or common courtesy for your fellow man) that just need to be followed. I can't believe I just said that, but honestly!

You can't turn your music on so loud that someone four doors down actually hears it IN their home and the floor thumps along with the bea tand not expect someone to be angry about it. What kind of a person lives in that much of their own bubble? And isn't it a lonely little bubble?

I started thinking, really this kid is a smart kid, he's got a lot going for him, youth, apparently an endless supply of money from others and he seems to be pretty generous. He's always cooking and sharing food (which a lot of our residents enjoy!) and he's pretty friendly. He really seems to want people to like him yet he keeps doing things to alienate them. If he would only use his powers for good instead of evil his life would be pretty awesome. It must be exhausting to live on the edge all of the time.

I thought about him on my drive in today and I think wow, he really must be so lonely that he has to constantly think up ways to cause chaos so he can get attention. Kinda sad really.

My thought from the Universe today is this:

Today make a call, ask a question, search the web, buy a book, pound the pavement, measure, cut, paste, poke, and of course, give thanks in advance.

Made me laugh a bit. I'm not sure how it all ties into my bigger picture but I think I will try to do what it says......I do give thanks though. Thanks for who I am, for what I have and for where I am. I can't imagine how different my life would be if I changed just one single thing in my own life right now....and I don't know that I would if I was offered the opportunity to.

Bring it on Universe.....I am ready.

Difference between anger and being hurt

Oddly enough I'm not angry or feeling hurt right now but I was thinking on my drive in how sometimes the people or things that make you really angry are usually things that come from people you trust and love. Family, friends, lovers.....children. Things happen and we get angry with strangers but in a different way. I was thinking about that because the last time I was really angry, I mean just pissed off, it was at a family member. I started thinking was I angry or just hurt by them, their actions, their thoughtlessness, their stupidity....anyway....then the Universe had this waiting for me when I got in. Creepy!

It sure is hard to get really angry at someone when you can think of all the reasons you love them. And you can - you're in their life because they love you.
The Universe

Anger is a strange emotion if you really think about it. I'm angry at the economy, I'm angry at the jackass that cuts me off as he races to get in front of me only to slam on his breaks because there is no where to go. Anger is just really a way to express your unhappiness at a situation, sometimes in a vocal fist to God kind of way. Is it really anger you are feeling though with family or friends or those closer to you or is it a type of betrayal, hurt, sadness maybe even disappointment?

I sort of expect strangers or others to not care about me, to not give me the time of day or to be thoughtful in anyway but with those I hold closer to my heart it hurts on a different level when they don't follow through on their words, or put you last, or forget your birthday or any of the other dumb ass kinds of things we do to each other. It's deeper, it hurts on a different level than a stranger doing something dumb and thoughtless to you.

We are complicated individuals. We need to have emotional releases and yet anger seems like kind of a funny one....if you really think about it. Do you know those people who never seem to be angry or get upset....I always wonder if they go home and secretly smash plates to release their anger.

Here's to anger free and hurtless days!

Feet planted firmly?

I’ve been feeling ungrounded lately, like I can't quite get my bearings or my car on the path. Almost like a cartoon characters whose feet are running a hundred miles an hour yet their feet never really connect with the ground below so they end up going no where really really fast.

I spent some time this weekend doing my angel cards, to help center myself and hopefully speak to my inner soul that seems so unsettled. Oddly enough, something changed, something shifted inside of me and all of a sudden it feels like things have become clearer. It's like the cards finally connected with something inside me and I felt like finally - I got it!

I did readings over and over asking questions and for assistance about what I needed to do next and the answer kept being the same - “it will become clear.” In other words, be patient! Something, if anyone knows me at all, knows I am not very good at. So I am trying it....I am trying to be patient, to relax, to just be calm and let things just be....it's hard but I am trying.

I don't know what changed, but today when I woke up, for the first time in a very long time I feel grounded, centered, content....happy almost with my own life. Is that a bad sign? Does that mean things are going to change? Hope not. I am going to enjoy this ride as long as I can.

Maybe it's because I'm on the edge of having some control and say again in what I want to do with my time, my energy, my thoughts? Maybe it's because some stressful things are ending? Maybe it's because for the first time in a very very long time I feel like I have peace....I feel calm and OK with my life. I hope it's not the calm before the storm.

It's funny how quickly things change, how a moment in time can shift and change thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure exactly what's made me shift into this mode but I am going to enjoy this ride while it's happening.

My weekend plans sort of imploded but that's OK.....I ended up having a perfectly fine weekend. Spent some time doing absolutely NOTHING. I also had some time to slip in some unexpected events and even got some bargain shopping in. I loved it. I would love another weekend like this one again very soon. I spent some time with some new friends and found it really refreshing to just be me and be accepted without all the baggage, the rules about who I am or who I am suppose to be or anything....NO RULES. Man that really was a good New (new new years!) Years resolution to make. Thus far it's worked out pretty good for me.

One of my messages from the Universe today was this:

If you're really honest you have to admit that things today, in your most amazing life, at this most amazing time in history, are far better than they've ever, ever been.

Well done,
The Universe

I say ONE of my messages because I had Friday and Monday off so I didn't check email until a bit ago so I had a few messages from the Universe waiting. This particular one just really fit into my mindset today.

I hope this continues.

I can't believe I am 11 days from graduation.....11 days! It's amazing on one hand and so freaking scary on another. I can't imagine being a young person just graduating into the world. At least I'm somewhat established and at least I have a job. If I were just coming out into the world with a degree and hoping to land a job I think I'd be pretty much screwed.

Although, truth be told, I'm kinda screwed now because I'll have my degree and I do have a job but since this economy is what it is, I'm kinda stuck where I am. I don't have a lot of options. Just a wing and a prayer. Hopefully things will change before I have to start paying back my student loans. I don't even want to think about that...but what can a girl do? Hopefully I will look back on this and say it was worth it.

So there it is....almost the end of May and I actually feel hopeful and content in my own life. Wild. It only took a few months to settle in, hope the rest of this year continues along this same path.

Moving at warp speed

It seems like the days are flying by but not much is getting done. The other day I had my windows open and I swear a tumbleweed went rolling through my living room. I haven't been home long enough to do any type of cleaning at all and it's amazing how much dust and craps builds up.

I really need to take some time and clean, organize and get my house in order. I moved into my new apt. back in the middle of January...or was it February? Regardless, it's been a work in progress since then and it's time I just bite the bullet and get it done. I feel like there is no time, like all I do is move from event to event to event and I have no direction. I keep running through life hoping to connect with something, with someone, with some ...... I don't know...but it's exhausting. I think I need to just stop....stop moving, stop pushing, stop looking, just stop.

Breath.....I need some time to just breath. I have to remember I can't force a life to be....it just has to be.

Reboot, Restart, Redo

Wouldn't it be nice if our lives were like a computer? If things are moving too slow, or we get bogged down or stuck we could just reboot ourselves. If only things were that easy.

It feels like the closer I am getting to the end of school the more frazzled and bogged down I feel. I don't know why. Lately I've been sleeping pretty poorly so I tried to stop drinking coffee, that lasted 3 days....I almost died I swear. So now I won't have coffee after noon. That has been working OK but I am still having terrible sleep issues. I can fall asleep immediately but I don't sleep long and when I wake up at 2 or 3am I wake up completely wide awake like I just slept for 10 hours. It's the weirdest thing.

I thought it was because I hate being alone so much but even when I'm not alone, it's the same thing. The problem is getting to be that I am so flipping tired during the day that I can barely contribute at any level and I've noticed I am getting what I call my "dad" attitude. I can hardly be civil to the those that annoy me.....and I want to be a better person than that. I don't want to be like that to people....even if they are dumb and annoy me.

I think it's hard to give energy to something that you don't really feel connected to or that adds value....that's how I feel right now about school. I don't see the value it's adding other than the fact that in 18 days I will be a college graduate!!!

I probably should think about taking some time off to decompress once school is done, but I am not planning any real stretch of time off until the 4th of July week. I'd like to get on a plane and lay on a beach or by a pool for 5 days and not talk to another person.....is that wrong? Could I actually do that? Could I be gone away from civilization and conversation? Probably not but it's a nice thought.

Because I am not sleeping I feel ultra crabby right now too and the littlest things are irritating the bejesus out of me. Things that normally I shake off or ignore but because I am a little sleep deprived they irritate me to a new level. These are things I have no control over like the whinny tone of this woman's voice, the fact that people nervously click their pens or that people in the cafeteria think they are the only ones that want to get a cup of coffee at 7am so they stand there mixing and stirring and sipping and just being complete self absorbed idiots. Crabby...yes I am a bit crabby today.

However, on a brighter note, I realized yesterday that in a work situation, really all a person has is their reputation. What others think of you can change or direct what others, even complete strangers, think of you. Yesterday we had a few outside vendors in and I put on my corporate me face and did my job, I greeted them, brought them to the room, helped them set up a projector, brought them water, made sure they had everything they needed to make a fantastic presentation. As I left the room I overheard a comment about how organized I was. A few of the other people in the room agreed and sort of sang my praises to these complete strangers. It made me think.....had those other people in the room not felt that way about me it could have completely changed the new people's perception of me. It could have gone completely differently.

I then remembered a conversation I had with my new friend Scott, he made some comment about me and my friends and said I was the "ring leader". It kinda of made me happy to think I had any kind of power like that at all. The ring leader....I like it!

My note from the Universe today is this:

Let's see... It's impossible to fail. Everything works out in
your favor. The elements conspire on your behalf. There are always reasons to be happy. Millions of lives are touched by yours. Thousands of people think of you fondly. Hundreds call you their friend. You can have anything you dream of. Things just keep getting better. And you live forever. Wildly unbelievable for a Hollywood script, but this is your life. Stranger than fiction,
The Universe

Interesting....life sure is stranger than fiction. Whatever will tomorrow bring?

Doing the unpredictable

If you do something unpredictable today so will I, times 10,000.
Careful now,
The Universe

What you don't want

I love my thoughts from the Universe. I often look forward to reading what they are going to be and seeing how much they tie in with my own life. Sometimes I completely forget about them and then when I get to work and open my email I have them waiting....like a fun surprise.


Things have been busy at work the past few days.....that's good but it doesn't give me time to do my own things...my own thinking, my own anything and then things get all bottled up in my head and then I have to spend a lot of time sorting through all the thoughts spinning in my head.


It's ok...there is a reason for everything....I get that. I was off on Friday and spent the weekend in Rochester for my admin Division meeting. Those meetings are always a fun time to reconnect with people who I don't see but a few times a year. Some are such rays of light in a day and others are somewhat.....not. It's not that they are mean or unpleasant, they are just sort of there. It's hard to explain. It's always a good weekend to learn new things, to make new friends and to cut lose and have some fun with people who like to do the same!! I especially like the Saturday night event because it's a dress up night and I might add....we do clean up pretty darn well. I don't get to dress up and be a pretty girl very often so I work extra hard at it. I think it works out well. Next year I think I might get a super princess dress!


Throughout the weekend, as I talked with some new friends, reconnected with some old friends I discovered many people, despite their age, are just like me. That no matter their age or lot in life it seems like everyone is searching...searching for that elusive missing piece. I heard this in many forms this weekend and it sort of surprised me. I always think I am on this journey alone. That somehow everyone else knows the answers it's just that no one wants to tell me.

There are somethings I know for sure, but these are mostly things I know that I don't want. I think it's easy to know that, it comes from a place of either having been there or from just knowing that isn't something you would want. In all the infinite wiseness that is the Universe, here was my message this morning:

Sometimes, the only thing you know for certain is what you don't
want. Yet often that's enough to go on.
Life is good,
The Universe

Kinda freaky how all that works out isn't it. If we can just name what it is we don't want does that mean we some how stumble across what it is we do want?

In all my haste to get ready for this last weekend I overlooked the fact that I have a paper and presentation due tomorrow for school. I think mentally I've checked out of class so I forget I have to actually do something more than the final 50/60 page paper. It's going to be a late night for me tonight while I try to muddle through this assignment. Only a few classes left so I can't complain too loudly!

Abundance

Show me what I'm looking for. I wish life were like a crystal ball or better yet the Magic 8 ball. You could just ask it a question and shake the ball and get your answer. Sources say no. Outlook good. Don't be an idiot.

Life would be so much easier with a little help. But it's not. I feel like life right now is like one of those gerbil wheels...that for so long I have been running, powering through to get to this very point and all of a sudden I have no idea what I am looking for. I feel alone and scared and worried and completely overwhelmed with the thought of having to move forward. It's almost like I just want to go back to the life I used to live with the lightening twins!

Life was easy, I'd get up, go to work, come home have dinner and then watch TV until it was bedtime. On the weekends we'd head to mall and power shop all day. It was an uncomplicated life. Occasionally we'd go out to a movie but mostly we'd watch movies at home and when we did - we might shake things up and order a pizza. Yes...it was simpler times.

Not fulfilling in anyway however, that's why I ventured out of that circle. That's why the Universe sent me on my path, my journey, my hike into my own life. It's funny, if I really think back in my life I can almost pinpoint the moment I began this trek into trying to find the "real me". I know that's probably what our whole lives are about is finding ourselves, finding out who we are but some days it feels like I go one step forward and two steps back.

I know the older I get the more focused on figuring this out becomes. It feels like my mission, my purpose, my whole point of being. I need to know before I die who I am.

Last night as I talked over life with a friend I realized how much I overlook in my own life. How blessed I am and how much I really should be grateful for. I have so much more than I probably deserve and I am completely missing that right now. I've been so focused on this elusive "missing" piece of me that I am forgetting all the abundance right here, right now in my own life.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

I got these new cards, Angel cards, they are like the animal cards or the fairy card but with Angels. I love these cards, I feel like using these cards allows the Universe to find another way to get it's messages to me and I hear them....well I try to hear them. I keep pulling this one card over and over and over....it talks about opening up your heart. Apparently I am the Grinch and my heart is three sizes too small? I get what it's telling me, I just don't like it...I don't trust it, I don't feel ready for it...but I keep pulling the card so clearly the Universe thinks I am ready.

My message today from the Universe is this:

The more you lean on me the stronger we become. The stronger we become, the bigger we dream, the higher we fly, the bluer the sky, and the happier we dance.
Lean on me,
The Universe

I guess it's time, the Universe clearly thinks I am ready....leap and the net will appear. It better be a pretty strong net.

Time is not on my side

It's amazing how fast the days fly by and suddenly you realize it's been almost a week since you've done your normal routine like things. I get up, get dressed, come to work, blog, work, go home, work or do homework and then do it all over again. I had Friday and Monday off and even though I enjoyed the time, it was busy. I worked at my second job pretty much the whole time. You got to give a little to get a little.

If you change one little thing like taking a day off and spending it in front of your computer our out lunching with friends you get all out of whack. Crazy.

There has been something in the air lately...at least for me. I have taken some weird shift in my own life that I hadn't really seen coming. Do we ever see shifts coming? Maybe not. All of a sudden, I just sort of realized last week that something is off. Something has shifted and I can't really seem to "name" it. It's this odd kind of unsettledness that I don't think I've ever felt before. I was out to dinner with some friends the other night trying to explain it but words seem to fail me. It's something deeper than words.

I know it's been a year like I've never had before. I've done lots of new things and gone down paths I haven't been down in years and had my heart kinda trampled on but still...something is not right. Something just doesn't click. I am almost done with school, my family is ....well my family, work is crazy busy and I can't stop having feelings for someone that absolutely doesn't even consider me a blip on the radar, I try but I can't seem to make them go away. It's in my soul. I have used this quote before but I have to keep telling myself this over and over: Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. It's a powerful statement yet my head hears it loud and clear....my heart and soul - not so much.

I spent the day on Monday with a friend and what I like about her is she understands me. She doesn't judge me, she doesn't tell me what to do, she just accepts me. I love that. She is going through some stuff of her own too so we are able to lean on each other without worry. She is a wise soul too...she is on her own path of self discovery and it's nice to hear her progress, it gives me hope that we all eventually get there....we get to where we are suppose to be at some point. We sat by the water for a bit which always makes me feel better. Being by the water is soothing, calming. I always feel better after some time by the water. I wish I lived on a lake or the ocean, I can only imagine how much calmer I might feel.

My friend brought up this good point about how much we craft our own life around a "someday" moment. How we make decisions today based on what MIGHT "someday" happen. We do things we may not really want to do because the thought of how that will fit into our "someday" moment. We buy a house with an extra room with the thought that "someday" someone will be in that room, we wear certain things or do things we may not really want to do because "someday" that will be important. We can't live in a "someday" moment....figuring out who we are and what we want is hard.

I hate being alone right now....in my house, at work, anywhere. It's not like I'm scared or feel unsafe, I just don't like it. I feel antsy, unsettled and like I'm going to crawl out of my skin if I have to sit alone in my apartment for any amount of time at all. I've never felt like this before. I've never like living alone but I've adjusted, I've made my home my own, painted, decorated, done what I want with my own space and yet I can barely stand to be home alone other than to sleep, change clothes or shower. It's so odd.

I'm sure I'm just adding all this extra pressure to myself right now with school ending, my work load increasing (but of course not my salary!) I've never dealt with lots of change all at once particularly well but at least I don't completely freak out now.....well not externally anyway.

I somehow imagined that once I graduated some magic switch would flip and my life, well my work life anyway, would magically transform into something that provided me with justification of my time in school, for the stress, the pressure, all the work I did but now that the end is so close I can't even see a wall for a switch to be on. What do we do to ourselves? Why do we put all these unrealistic expectations on ourselves....we set the bar so high that we can't even see the top. Maybe it's just me....it's the old when I get married I'll be happy or when I lose weight I'll be pretty or when I graduate I'll have the best job syndrome.

When do we stop realizing the grass on the other side is just grass? We have to be the change we want to see.

Man...there is so much rattling around in my head I'm not sure there is enough martini's to help me straighten it all out!

Time worries

I had dinner with a friend last night and we talked about me being done with school in 7 weeks. 7 weeks! It's been so long since I've had no other commitment outside of just work that I don't know, I really don't know what I am going to do with myself. We joked about it and then when I went home and started really thinking about it I sort of had a panic attack. What am I going to do? What will I focus on? What do people do in everyday lives with nothing but work to focus on?

Will I lay on the couch more, become home bound, shop more, finally read that pile of books I've been collecting, work more at the ET? I'm worried I will let days, weeks even months flow by with no plan, no purpose, no meaning.

The Universe usually pipes in with something that gives me hope or direction - today it says:

Here's a hint on figuring out the next step to take on the path of your wildest dreams...it almost never lies behind the doors marked, "WOW," "SEXY," or "GLAMOROUS."
Mwah,
The Universe

The tag line is:

Not that you won't make it look wow, sexy, glamorous. You always could wear anything.

Oddly, it does make me feel a little better but still, how do you decide what to do with your own time? It seems like a day whips by without much thought at all because you get up, you go to work and there is chaos and stuff all day to fill it then you have school or some other commitment and then when you finally go home, you try to unwind so you can come back and do it all again. In between all of that we try to create some sort of life for ourselves. We build relationships, friendships or just have some sort of human connection. What do you do when there are no other barriers to that kind of everyday stuff? What do you do?

How do we begin to re-create our lives or ourselves? There is so much I don't know yet. I want to live a life of value, of importance. I want to wake up in the morning and know it's important that I get up and get going, I don't want to just punch a time card, I need to know that what I do, what I contribute, what I add to the world matters...it makes a difference. I don't think that is going to happen in the next 7 weeks.

It's hard when you have time to think, it's like my brain is a gerbil on a wheel. How do I get it to slow down and see what's going on all around?

Time....is it really on our side?

Scared

I was talking with a friend last night and we sort of giggled about it but I have this irrational fear, no fear isn't the right word, dislike....that's it...I have this irrational dislike for being alone. I don't like it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I do not like living alone and I do not like being alone. There....I've said it.

Lately I've found that I will pretty much do anything to avoid being alone at home...anything. That may be good but it's also kinda bad. What's driving this? Why all of a sudden since I moved into my better, bigger, nicer, big girl apartment do these issues come to the surface for me? What's changed? What's bringing this all up? I guess only I can figure that out but it is interesting to me and it's a fairly new thing.

My note from the Universe today kinda made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Kinda freaky how these messages often tie into my morning thoughts:

You know what makes the darkest of times bearable?
Remembering that it's all illusions, in a dreamed-up world, where angels earn their wings, thoughts dress up as things, and that "somewhere back home," you lie safely in bed, in the palm of my hand, snuggled up tight with some big, fluffy stuffed animal.
Nice wings,
The Universe

These messages always have a little tag line at the end too....today's said P.S.
I do love watching you sleep. Oddly enough that gave me comfort. I like the thought of someone there, watching over me keeping me safe...safe from what I'm not quite sure but safe none the less.

This week begins my flex Friday schedule, meaning I get every other Friday off through the summer. Last year I took off every Friday but due to other people's schedules, we need to keep a balance here I can't do that this year...which is OK really but I do plan to take a week in July and a few long weekends in June too...I'll use up my 6 weeks of vacation....don't worry about me...I'll be fine!

Only 5 weeks until my final paper is due.....I have it started but I really need to find some time to really start to work it. I present mine on June 16th which means I am officially done with school then but still will go to my last class on June 23rd to support my cohorts. Wow....5 weeks. I can't even imagine what I will do then.

Off to create miracles today.

Stop fighting

I spend a lot of my time fighting with myself. Not out loud verbally, well sometimes, but a lot of internal chatter goes on in my brain. It's exhausting. I'm constantly fighting with myself because I've become this person over time that I'm not sure I want to be or even like being so I have lots of "discussions" with myself over it. I find that I have to consciously make an effort to be focused on changing who I am, fixing who I've become, working towards something new and different. Seriously....it's exhausting

I realize at some point I really have to stop fighting, I have to give in, surrender.....stop. I know if I do that, things will start to make sense. If we stop fighting ourselves we can begin to just breathe, to begin to live the life we are suppose to....right? I've heard that the second you stop fighting, time really is on your side. Then you can go on being who you are. How do we stop fighting with ourselves?

Everyday, every minute, every meeting, every moment I feel like I have to fight this internal battle. When I am at work I am corporate me, when I am at the ET I am polite me, when I am at school I am studious me, when I am with my friends I am social me, when I am with my family I am......I am not sure who I am suppose to be or who I really am, I just am. When I am home alone rattling around I am confused me. I don't know who I am suppose to be.

I keep thinking I am going to figure it out, that by some miracle I will wake up in the morning and have the answers. It's scary to be so ambiguous in your own life. Does our own life really ever make sense? Isn't the point of each day to be moving forward in the direction of something so we help define ourselves?

I wish I could go back 20 years in my life. I wish I could start my 20's over, I would do so many things differently. I would take chances, I would make changes, I would leap and know that a net would appear. If you don't do those things while you are young and have the opportunity it feels like too much time has passed, too many adult responsibilities come, and too much fear as creeped into us that we can't do those things now. I feel like life has so many limitations when we get older and settled into our lives. To much is at risk at this point in my life. I don't feel old but I do feel trapped, stuck, wedged into my own world. Good or bad it's what it is. I don't hate it, not actively anyway.

I know most people would say it's never too late, you can always make changes and I'm not opposed to that but it does get tricker as you get older. So much more to consider.

The Universe said this to me today:

Land appeared beneath their feet where there had been none because
they dared to step. Cups that had long been empty began to overflow, as they were finally raised in toast. And friends were drawn, as if from the ether, when the party shoes went on.
Oh, the magic,
The Universe

Oh the magic....it's hard when we get so wrapped up in our own world, our own little corner of madness. It's hard to process what we are suppose to be doing.....what will I do when I don't have school to occupy my brain most of the time?

I guess I have to learn to stop fighting with myself, the problem is I always think I'm right. How do you stop fighting yourself and learn to accept what is?

Plan B

It's always good to have a back up plan. To know what to do when things don't work out. I almost never do. Is that wrong? I'm not sure. Do we have to always plan for things to go awry? If we have a Plan B doesn't it assume there was a Plan A to start with?

Cheryl Richardson has a website with these Grace Cards. You can ponder a thought and then pick a flashing star and then get a card, along the same lines as animal cards or fairy cards. Yesterday I was feeling like I needed one and the card was something about letting go of your expectations for the outcome and just accept what comes. Once you stop expecting something to happen, the right thing will happen.

Stop expecting. Interesting. We grow up taught to expect things. At Christmas, at Easter, our birthday. We expect to be treated equally, respectfully and we in turn do that. I find too that by expecting I am often disappointed. I have build things up so big in my head that things don't ever seem to get to the level I have created and I often end up ....... sad. It's clearly my own fault. I have had some exceptions....but if I think about them....they really weren't expected. My God, maybe there is something to that...but how do you reteach yourself to not expect.

I'll use my birthday party as an example. I expected to have fun, to have a good time, to enjoy myself. I was nervous and worried that no one, or only a few would show up and I was stunned to see the turn out....but I didn't know what to expect so it just happened. But then I think of another event where I expected a certain outcome and when it didn't occur like I imagined I was left disappointed. So I think I just answered my own question...stop expecting. I don't know if I can do that.

I am going to go to Cheryl Richardson's site right now and do a grace card....hold on.

The card I drew is "Anticipation" - now I pondered that for a moment to see how it matched my question. Here is what it says: "Expect the best. The world is working in your favor".

Isn't that interesting...I got a card about expecting.....I am even more confused now. Do I expect or not expect?