What do we really want?

It's funny when you pause...when you take a minute to breath, to exhale all of a sudden it makes you think. Think about who you are, who you have become and what do you really want.

That is the age old question. What do I really want? I want to wake up one day having the answer to this question. I want to wake up without that empty, hollow feeling sitting inside of me needing to be filled....filled with something that I can't quite put my finger on. I want that moment when you realize that you have purpose, meaning, a reason for being. How quickly that gets lost in the midst of searching.

Life if full of defining moments. Moments that turn into hours that turn into days that turn into weeks. Moments have meaning. These moments are important and sooner or later they become bigger than us. Suddenly we find ourselves standing at the cross roads of our own life looking back realizing that we've gotten older and then we think what if.

Does any one decision make our life? Sometimes we make bad decisions but life is a series of choices, a big combination of moments that create who we are. For too long I find that I've let other people make those decisions for me. People who don't put me first in their life or even give me a second thought. I realize I've let my life sit on hold for so long and I'm not really even sure how to make it move again.

This year has been really good in so many ways...I've taken steps to move my life in new directions that it's never been and I've enjoyed it for the most part but suddenly it feels like without my permission, without me letting it happen it's all gone...taken back, moved on without me. How does that happen? How does everything around me seem to move without me?

Some days it feels like I have no control over anything and then the winds change and I suddenly feel myself engulfed in a suit of armor that allows me to tackle the world. How quickly moments move past us.

I guess the best thing to do is keep that armor on hand for the days when you really need it.

Less is always more

Less - when you lose weight you feel better about yourself.....less - when you pay off debt you have more money.....less - when you get rid of things you feel better.....less is always more.

When you decide to stop living your life....waiting...waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to save you, to find you, to love you, to be your other half you feel a release, a comfort that you are the only thing you ever need. When you decide you get to move on.

The Universe is a funny thing. I believe in putting things out there to let the Universe help guide me, to give me insight into myself and almost always it does. Today is no exception:

What if you first got to decide how you'd like to feel - happy or sad, hurt or mad, approving or jealous, loved or ignored and then I had to go out and rearrange all the people and circumstances of your life to make it so? You'd like that, huh? You'd choose happy, eh?

Done.

The Universe is so wise. I wish I could 100% trust it and let go of all my control to it. When you really think about it the Universe has some pull, some magnetic field that we are connected to. If we just let go and stop fighting I wonder if we could hear the messages clearer.

It's exhausting to always be moving towards something...sometimes I think it would be so much easier if we just stopped, rested and let the Universe bring it to us. Is that an option? How does one do that...just stop and let the Universe do all the work.

I vote for that. I vote for letting the Universe do the work. I'm tired of wanting what I don't get to have....tired of working so hard for something that is never going to happen. Exhausted by wanting so much that my soul is tired....tired to the bone.

Come on Universe....help a sister out.

Time, time and more time

Time flies by in the blink of an eye. Not only does time fly, but things change so very fast. One day you wake up and realize how much has changed, how much has flown by, how very little control we really have in the whole scheme of things.

Seems like days go by in the blink of an eye and suddenly things you are used to, things that feel common or normal or routine all of a sudden feel like work or chores or exhausting. When does the path we are on seem to roll along without a hitch, without potholes? When do we get to throw the top down and enjoy the sun beating on our shoulders while the wind blows our hair?

I was looking through old family photos and it made me start to wonder who were these people that are now just these flat images on a piece of old faded photo paper? What dreams did they have? Did they ever reach them? Were they happy and not just for that minute....did they have the life they wanted, they needed, they craved? Did they have the same thoughts I have? Were they wondering when their time was? Were they lonely? Alone? Fulfilled? Did they have the love they needed in their life?

I realize I fill my time with things that I keep hoping will make me get to that point where I am content and not searching. Feels like I spend alot of my time searching......looking for that point in my journey that I feel settled and connected to where I am suppose to be....how do you know when you are there? I hate this feeling. I blame it on thinking. Thinking always leads to no good.

This time of the year makes me do alot of thinking. My sleep is all out of whack and I spend a lot of time lying in bed not sleeping....that's when my brain runs rampant! It's like I am rethinking my whole life...I spent so much time these last few years trying to become someone else. It's like I had to redefine who I am and I used to feel so sure of who I was and where I was headed and all of a sudden it's like I've lost my way and lost who I am. How do you recapture that? How does one get back who they are?

I know it can't come through anyone else, it has to come from me....but what if I can't do it alone. Do we need that other person to help us find our self? What if that person doesn't exist? What do you do then? How do we find out who we are alone? Do we have to have another person to make our life work? To be on our journey with? Isn't it about the life that we choose? What about where we are at now....what if we open our eyes to where we are right now and choose to keep moving and living this life.....how can that be wrong?

I had such a different vision of where my life would be at this point. As I grew up I remember thinking I can't wait until I get a job....my own house....I'll stay up as late as I want, I'll do what I want to do and I'll go where I want to go and no one will stop me. What happened to that girl? What happened to those dreams...how did I leave them by the roadside?

Best case I guess I haven't turned out like my parents so really I guess it's all moving in the direction it's suppose to. I guess I will be happy in this day.

Thinking is not work thinking about

Lately I've spent some time thinking...or trying to think. Forcing myself to go to that scary dark place in my head and frankly I don't like it.

The Universe says this to me today however:

Thinking is the voodoo, that you do, on all things material.
Made in the shade,
The Universe

Yes I know what it's saying....I just need to think about it. Argh!

Tomorrow's a second chance

I figure as long as I wake up each day, it's a new chance. It's a chance to right the wrongs, to fix the hurt, to learn something new, to mend a broken heart.....there's always the chance things will change. Things can always be different....tomorrow.

It seems the older I get the faster time seems to go by me. I remember being younger DYING for the time to become older, to be able to go to a R movie on my own, to go to the bar without a fake ID, to move out, to be in love, to get a job....what was I in such a hurry for?

That old saying "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it" springs to mind. It's kind of funny how we speed through our lives always looking for the next thing, the next moment or milestone and suddenly you realize how fast time has really gone. Would you make different choices if you had time to think....to breathe....to pause before rushing forwarding into the next moment? Would I?

The Universe responds:

Have you noticed, that the more you hurry, the slower you go? The more you wait, the longer it takes? The more you worry, the less you dream?But the more you live, love and laugh, the more you live, love, and laugh.
Weird?
The Universe

Sometimes in life we have to stop moving in order to see. I like to say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel when I am going through a tough time....but really all creation emerges from darkness. It's always darkest before the dawn...right? So why don't I see that...or remember that? Why does it take sunlight and brightness to let us move forward?

We all move along our own life path, sometimes we stumble and fall and other times we simply end up clinging to a path that doesn't let us choose any other way. We let life pass us by while we concentrate so hard on being on the path...maybe if it we stumbled around in the dark we'd get someplace because we wouldn't be so focused on the path as much as we were on other things.

Maybe I just discovered something...maybe the key is to close my eyes and just go. Hmmm, I will have to ponder this.

Come on...get happy!

This weather forces me to think. It keeps me in the brain thinking kind of place. I love to watch the rain fall from the comfort of my couch. I've had several days of thinking now and frankly, my brain hurts.

In the grand scheme of things it seems simple....be happy and all is well. Right? Yeah....easier said than done. However, the Universe disagree's:

Tell you what: If you can get happy right now, in spite of any problems, challenges, and circumstances that now seem to taunt you, I'll take care of those problems, challenges, and circumstances, as well as "ever-after." Agh-hmm... Please, do the math, take the bait, and never look back.

The Universe

It's simple math apparently. Math has never been my strong suit.

Why do we want what we can't have?

Too many times we put ourselves last. We tend to validate ourselves through others and mostly it seems, it's not the right people we choose to validate ourselves with. Why do we want validation or attention or to spend time with those who don't really value us or care about us past that moment? Yet we seek it, we crave it, we feel like we "need" it? Okay I realize by saying "we" I mostly mean "me" but you get the idea. I can't be alone in this thought....right?

I spent a lot of time this weekend processing through things. I guess I better change this from a WE to a ME....cause really it is about me...it is MY journey, my thoughts....my feelings.

Anyway, this weekend I spent a fair amount of time thinking. Something, if anyone knows me, is not my favorite thing to do. I don't like it, I am not good at it, and often I tend to over think and make things bigger than they really are. I tried really hard NOT to do that this weekend. I also tend to find things to do to get me out of my house, to not be alone, to not to have to think and I purposely didn't do that at all. I even turned down offers to go out and do things. Yes that's what I said...I said "no thank you".

I thought about where I've gotten to in this year, where I'd like to be when it all ends at the end of December and where I'd like to see the next year head. I didn't plan or make statements, I just thought about it. I declared this the year of "no rules" and I've pretty much lived by that and overall really enjoyed it.

The year started out fun and chaotic and off the normal path for me. I did things early on I've never done before and traveled down roads I never even knew existed to me before and I don't regret one single moment of it. I just don't understand why it all stopped though. Why it has come to a screeching halt and all of a sudden I am floating in space and can't seem to get my feet back on or even near the ground again. It's confusing to me.

I thought about the new people I opened my life up to, that I let in, that I enjoyed spending time with and the new things I let myself do. I don't regret any of it but I am a bit confused as to how I let myself become so ....what's the word.......I don't know- but I somehow let other people become the source of my personal validation. My happiness and my value. I let these people into my heart and life and even though we were both enjoying the time, I somehow knew it was temporary, not permanent. That it was all going to end....and I didn't want it to but knew going into this moment that is was never going to last, it was never going to be anything more that that particular moment in time. I told myself I was fine with that, I was good....but I guess I wasn't. Sometimes we lie loudest to ourselves.

They became the people or person that made me feel - anything. Their attention or time spent with me was all that mattered and when they shifted their focus to the next shiny object, I was left behind. I became the "you'll do girl". The person who, if nothing better is happening, I get a call. If they can't meet up with their new person, I can be the fill in person. If they need a ride to meet their friend, I can be that person and then be dismissed. You'll do and suddenly I wonder why I feel disposable, invisible and of no value. Please...I'm smarter than that...right?

Apparently not. The phone calls stopped, the playful fun texting stopped, the impromptu hey let's go hang out for a few hours stopped - and there I was....left with this open soul no longer fitting into any one's space. I did it to myself, I know this....I can see it but how to you stop that soul sucking feeling that you just don't fit anywhere? That you are the temporary person, the "eh, nothing better is going on so I'll call her" feeling? And when they did call....I'd answer....I'd go....I let myself be that person. Stupid girl.

I guess it's good that it's all come to an end at the same time.....it was a harsh lesson but I guess it's good. I see it.....it sure doesn't help that feeling inside but I know in time it will fade away. I just have to learn to live without that....to learn to live a life I choose, to follow a path I am picking and to keep moving towards something on my own. I know I don't need anyone to travel the path with me but it sure is a lot more fun and adventurous with a partner in crime.

I thought about this all weekend and on one hand it's kind of sad but on the other it's kind of empowering to realize that you don't need anyone else....you only ever need to worry about yourself.

The Universe also agrees....as usual:

The reason others think they need you is because they don't yet fully believe that they already have all that it takes to have all that they want. So they pretend you hold the key. And vice versa.
Tallyho,
The Universe

So I guess I have the key? I have what it takes? I just have to learn to live without them because they clearly can live without me.

I guess it all begins with one step forward. One foot after the other......man thinking sucks.

I forget

Sometimes I get so consumed with where I want to be or what I want or what I don't have or what's missing I forget to see what I do have, where I am at in my life. It's like I forget to exhale and suddenly something happens that makes me stop and exhale.....breathe.

I forget I am lucky enough to have a safe, nice, clean home that is comfortable and overall a pretty decent place to find comfort and rest. I have a job, actually two jobs that allow me to be me and let me kind of do what I need to do to get things done for the best outcome of others. I am surrounded by countless blessing that I overlook....I tend to focus on what I want or where I want to be that I forget to accept and enjoy where I am. We all do it....we all forget what we have until, sometimes, it's too late.

I have lots of things in my life that I'm grateful for but I want more, I crave more, I need more. I need all those things I think I need to make me happy, content, joyful......yet I have pretty much all I need right now.

This morning I was able to help one of our older residents with a situation that took about 4 minutes of my time but releived so much stress for him, he could not stop thanking me and I thought wow....that little thing I did made so much a difference for him and it was nothing.

I forget to be grateful. I forget to be thankful. I just forget.

Pictures worth what?

I love pictures. They bring me great joy. They have the ability to capture a moment in time that will forever be frozen in place.....good or bad that moment is captured and saved. Sometimes I look back on pictures and I can barely remember the event or the reason I took them, other times I get immense joy from that stolen moment in time. It evokes such emotion in me sometimes it's almost indescribable.

I have this picture taken at my sisters wedding 2o some odd years ago and at the time I didn't even know it was taken but I found it a few years after the wedding and it brings me such joy that I can't hardly stand it. It's a picture of me dancing with my grandfather who is now gone. But we are dancing and he said something to me, I wish I could remember what it was, and I have my head thrown back in laughter and he is smiling so proudly. It's a great, unplanned picture. Those are my favorite. The unplanned pictures.

There is something to be said for posed, planned, staged pictures but the best ones in my opinion are the self portraits, the paparazzi shots or the spur of the moment OMG this will be hilarious pictures. Those moments that aren't planned yet captured in one click of a button. Worth a million to me.

I love Facebook...been obsessed with it since I discovered it...part of the reason I like it so much is people share their lives through pictures. There are people I just met or people I've know for years and don't get to see often yet I can be a part of their life through some stolen moments. I can see them at their best, worst and silliest. I could spend hours looking at peoples pictures. It gives you such a glimpse into who they are. You can see things in their eyes and expressions I don't think they even know they are sharing. You can see so much in a picture than just the flat image.

Ever been to a second hand store and sift through the old photo's? Kind of makes me sad to think that one day my prized pictures, my memories, my moments in time will lie homeless and unnecessary on a shelf someplace collecting dust. When I think about it like that it is over whelming sad to me. So for now I choose to enjoy them, I embrace them, I stare at them and think back to the moment it was snapped and how much joy that moment brought me....even if I have to change the story to fit my own denial!

What is the cost of a memory? If we could harvest them and sell them would we? Good or bad our memories are all we have of people, events or sections of time. Would we alter them if we could? Like anything else, aren't we suppose to learn and grow and extract something from these times? I wonder, if I look back over this year, would I change any of the events? Would I choose to do anything differently? If I did, would I be where I am at now or would things be different?

Does each act have a reaction? Hmm....now I have to think.