Endings

All endings are beginnings, we just don't know it yet.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about a situation in her life and I posed the question to her "what do you want out of this?" "What do you want the outcome to be?" It struck me that is the question of all questions really isn't it.....if we knew the answer to that wouldn't our lives be so much easier!? Wouldn't we know we were on the right path, going in the right direction, believe that we were spending time with the right people. I think it may have upset her a little but I guess I just wanted her to think about what she really wants....what does she need. How can we move on if we don't know what we are moving on to or from or towards?

Sometimes it's best to just end things, to move on, to start over......much like my final paper. It's time to let it go and begin again. It's much harder that it seems. How do you stop caring for people, stop wanting to share with them, to have them be a part of your life? How do you stop caring about doing the right thing, about doing a good job about being a person of your word? How do you just stop being who you are and living the way you have lived and just start over?

School is so close to being done I can really see it now....graduation is June 7th even though school doesn't officially end until June 23rd....but for me it will really end June 16th. That's the day I present my final paper and final presentation. I will officially be done if I don't die writing this paper. I've been interviewing some people at work at the senior vice president level about our company, what it is they do and corporate like stuff....one question I am asking is what words of advice or inspirational message would they like to share. I love that kind of stuff so I am curious to hear what they have to share.

One person who seems like such a hard, cold, formal person began the interview sitting in her chair, leaning back with her arms crossed. I was determined to win her over with my....charm? Finally, I asked her this question - What is the most rewarding result that has come because of your leadership role? Suddenly she was engaged. She uncrossed her arms and her face kind of lit up and she talked about her accomplishment and suddenly she was with me, she was engaged and committed and then she really opened up. By the time I got to the end of the questions she was just a chatting fool. It was fun to see that switch. She also shared this thought - life can only be lived forward but you learn much by looking backwards.

I wonder if we knew we were making mistakes or going down a wrong path would we change it? I mean at the time it's all good, things are going good, we are happy, we are getting something out of it but we know it won't last or come to anything yet we still do it....if we knew how it would all end would we still choose to do it? Not like physical harm but don't we learn something by going down the wrong paths occasionally? Aren't there things to be learned along the way? Interesting food for thought isn't it?

I wonder if I am in my hey day right now....is this the time of my life? Is this the moment in time I will look back on and say....ahh, those were the days? If so, shouldn't it be bigger? Shouldn't I be living a more exciting life, don't I need an event or a thing to be happening so I can look back on it?

Perhaps this wasn't the right time to give up my coffee. I can't seem to get my brain to focus without my morning coffee.

I'm not that girl

I woke up this morning with a very strange feeling....I felt as my life were a medley of musicals. Like if I could pick and choose songs or musical numbers out of multiple productions, it would make up my life. Isn't that the oddest thing to wake up to?

The first one that popped into my head is from Wicked - I'm Not That Girl - especially this one line:

Don't wish, don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl. There's a girl I know. He loves her so. I'm not that girl.

Then it went on to Ave Q - There is a Fine Line -but the entire song that Kate Monster sings:

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend; There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend; And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb. There's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of time. There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie; And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye." I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime, But there's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of your time. And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I don't think that you even know what you're looking for. For my own sanity, I've got to close the door And walk away...Oh...There's a fine, fine line between together and not And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got. You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...There's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of time.

Then it morphed into A Chorus Line - The Music and the Mirror - again though, just this one part:

Let me wake up in the morning to find I have somewhere exciting to go. To have something that I can believe in. To have something to be. Use me... Choose me.

Now the thing that was so odd about this is I was on a stage and I was singing and dancing to these songs...but it wasn't really a stage, it was more like a giant dock or platform and I could see myself doing things like I was a voice over in a movie.....isn't that the strangest thing? Why these particular songs about love or not having love is a bit perplexing to me because it's not really about that...not romantic love anyway. I get that they have to do with unrequited love but I think it's more than that, I think it's bigger than that, more global.

Lately it feels like .... it's hard to describe....it's like I don't fit in any parts of my own life. I feel like at work I am just sitting in a chair filling space.....I'm not that girl. I'm not the one people think of when they are looking to fill a new position...I'm not the one they think of as capable...I need to have something to call my own....something to take ownership of. It's not happening.

In my school life I feel really lost and out of touch. This final class is a doozy, it's really suppose to be me utilizing all the classes I've taken along the way and combine them all into one big massive huge final project. Part of the issues is some of the key classes were taught by really really worthless teachers and I feel really ill prepared and I feel like I've come this far only to what, finish with a poof and not a bang?

And my personal life, well really my LACK THERE OF! I am not really able to do the things I really want to. To spend time with the people I really want to. There is a cluster of reasons why, not all in my control. There are people I want to spend more time with but their own lives don't allow for it or they have other things they would rather be spending their time on besides me. A cluster of reasons.

Maybe I'm being over sensitive? I've been sleeping very little lately....can't seem to sleep. I did cut the caffeine out again, today is day one. Between not sleeping, work being so....corporate, school, my personal life (or lack there of) I feel out of sorts....it isn't a full moon is it? I wonder if I need another song from a musical to tie it all together?

Instead I will close with this quote I read in a leadership book that I think really fits here too:

When we feel in control of our life and are spending time on those things that matter, we are happier.

So the question is: when will I have control and what do I want to spend my time on?

Some days...

Somedays it feels like you are constantly fighting an uphill battle. That no matter what you do or say it's wrong...it's gonna piss off the powers that be and you spend your day spinning your wheels and getting no where. I hate days like that. I realize they are necessary and a part of life but they exhaust me.

Yesterday was one of those days. I hate it when you are trying to follow someone and they refuse to use a signal or give you enough time to switch lanes....that's what my life feels like right now...at least my work life. If I don't tailgate then I am screwed. Why is it so difficult for people to share information, to say things outloud, to tell you what they are thinking and to give you some idea of where they envision things in the end so you don't spend your day constantly doing and re-doing things. It frustrates the heck out of me. You know what is even harder though is when you get thrown under the bus for things you didn't even have a hand in. Seriously, aren't we all adults? If we make a mistake can't we just admit it an move on? Do we really have to point a finger and pretend like it's ok?

I understand Corporate America isn't perfect, it has it's flaws but I'd like to think we, as individuals, can rise above that. We can act in ways that are respectful and kind. Maybe I'm a dreamer...but really...how hard is it?

What did the Universe have waiting for me today:

Always be grateful for criticism, Dawn.
You're gorgeous,
The Universe

I guess we only grow stronger from these life lessons. Maybe that's not the right word, regardless, there is always something to be learned from every event....right?

Must go figure out this day.

The party's over

It's sad really....when something you have looked forward to for so long is over. A vacation, a wedding, a super fantastic party. It's hard now to look at the weeks and months ahead and wonder what's next? What's new and exciting around the corner. What new adventure awaits.

I always think this is it....there is nothing more. When I've been planning for or looking forward to some event and when it's over it's kind of sad....now what do I focus on?

The Universe said this to me today:

Isn't it nice to know that you haven't yet laughed,
all that you'll
laugh? That you haven't yet met, some of your very best
friends? And that you haven't yet dreamed, all that you'll manifest?
That all bridges will be mended? That all sadness will be healed? And that life never ends?
That all of your challenges will be won? That all of your triumphs
will be shared? And that the difference you'll make, has already begun? Well, it is for me, because I also know that if you don't see these things yet, you will.

Could it get any better?
The Universe

Can it get any better? What a great question. We always get to some point in our lives and we think...it doesn't get any better than this...but I think it can, I believe it can. Do we always need something bigger and better to look forward to? Do we always need that next best thing to keep our attention looking forward? Something to move towards....to? Is it part of our drive to keep moving forward? I love the line or the thought that I haven't met some of my very best friends yet. That for some reason gives me immeasurable joy....I love the thought that there is someone out there in the world waiting for me....wild.

I had probably one of the best birthday weeks/parties I ever remember having. It was really a week of filling up my own self esteem bowl. I had people in all areas of my life play along in my world for a week and I gotta say, it was very empowering. I really felt like I accomplished something last week, like I did make a difference. That I actually had some power and control over things and I can't tell you the last time I felt that. It's silly really because it was just about having fun, letting go and just being in the moment and it felt really really good. I had some moments last week that literally brought tears to my eyes! Wild.

Where do you go from here though. That's what I wonder. When I came into work this morning and I saw the decorations that had to go I felt a little sad. A little empty...the party's over but in one way I guess it's just begun. I have the opportunity to move forward in whatever direction I choose and only I get to decide what that means. Feels like a little too much pressure but I think I am up for the challenge.

Whatever will this new year of my life bring?

Another year passes me by

From the Universe:

You could not possibly be more loved than you are right now.
Nor more popular,
The Universe

Funny, I actually FEEL that today...well this week anyway. I have always celebrated my birthday for a week, I've themed it, I've sort of forced the world to acknowledge and celebrate me for a week whether they want to or not and mostly they have wanted to. This year somehow seems different. Not sure if it's because last year I was dealing with my mom's health issues and my birthday went by the wayside or if it's because graduation is well within sight or if I finally feel like I am at a place in my life where I am content....not necessarily HAPPY but content.

Overall I've had a pretty good year thus far. I think the declaration at the beginning of NO RULES helped put me on a different path and when it didn't start so well the RE-DO day really seemed to help things along. Then pretty much since then I've had some good times, some fun, some new experiences and I'm really no worse for the wear so I say OK....bring it on, I can take it....let's see what the rest of this year has to show for itself....I am so ready!

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Dawn,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!

A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space.

You see, someone like Dawn Staycoff doesn’t come along all that often. In fact, there’s never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again.

You’re an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated.

Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.

Quite simply:
You’re the kind of
person, Dawn,
Who’s hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million to the people you’ve met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don’t know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!

Dawn, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from
every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn’t know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won’t be alone!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dawn!

Mike
Orlando, Florida,

PS - Dawn, this is going to be YOUR year!!

I even feel like Mother Nature is on board with me today, there was an incredible sunrise, one like I haven't seen in a very long time AND it's going to be in the 80's today! See, even Mother Nature has drank the kool-aide that is me! I love it when people play nice in my own world!!

Going within

They say if you take care of the inside, the outside will fix itself. Is that true? And who exactly is THEY?


I ask because clearly the inside me has some work to do.....and if I fix that will all the external stuff just roll into place? I know there are no guarantees but I kinda want one. I want someone to promise me that if the inside settles down, all the exterior stuff will fall into place....anyone?


I find it interesting lately that I seem to hear that message over and over. If you quiet the inside, the outside will follow suit. Someone suggested meditation. I'm told it quiets your soul and helps you think. I honestly don't know if I could be quiet that long...or what I would do if I got to that point, the point of calm and quiet. To quote an old Seinfeld episode "serenity now"! Is it possible?


My note from the Universe said this today:

There isn't a moment in any day when someone, somewhere, isn't
better off because of something you've done. And no matter what you do, or don't do, with the rest of your life, you cannot now comprehend the amounts of love, joy, and personal assistance that are already being pressed out to you in gratitude.
Must be nice,
The Universe

It funny because it's Earth Week, National Severe Weather Week, Admins day and my birthday week. Added into that is something new called Pay It Forward Day. The idea is to do between one and three good deeds today without asking for anything in return. Just instruct the recipient to pay it forward to someone else in need. One good deed might not seem like much, but if everyone did something good for someone else today, then these acts of kindness can spark a cycle of generosity and compassion throughout our communities.

So there is a lot of thought going out into the Universe about doing undo others, about giving back, about how much you don't realize that one small deed can change lives. It's important to hear that, to know that.....do participate in that.

So I challenge you all....pay it forward....if for no other reason than just to make someone else happy.

Hurry up and do what?

It seems like these days everyone is in a hurry. Everyone is racing to get from place to place except of course when I am in the Cub trying to navigate around people.

I find it easy to put my time in segments of time. I focus on little blocks of time, a few hours, a day...sometimes two days but I find that I get less stressed and frantic if I look at my time and my "to do's" in small blocks rather than looking at the big picture. Is that good? Is that right? I don't know, I just know it keeps me less frantic.

On my commute into work I have to drive down 35W, the speed limit there is 55mph but I seem to be the ONLY person that drives at that speed, well there are the handful of others that drive BELOW that but mostly people drive like freaking mad men. Where do they need to be so fast at 6 or 6:15am....seriously? I leave early to avoid massive traffic and each day I am surprised at the speed people are driving that early in the morning. Do they really need to get to work that badly? I sure don't.

We are in such a hurry. We rush to grow up, to move out, to get a job...to be an "adult" to get married, have kids...then what? One day we wake up and look over our life and think where did it all go...we rush and rush and we forget about the here and the now...the current, the present. We always seem to have our eye on some future prize that I think we forget to enjoy and live our lives. I am guilty of that. I have 10 weeks of school left..I keep focusing on that...10 weeks but I wonder what I am missing now.

I guess there is something about stopping to smell the roses.

Sometimes tv is good

Okay, I admit it...I had a super lazy weekend. I had so much I SHOULD have gotten done, painting, cleaning, organizing.....but honestly....once I was done with my shift from 11-4 at the ET it was all I could do to get back up to my apartment and collapse on the couch. I was exhausted. I couldn't seem to get motivated to do any of the things I NEEDED to do. I don't think the world will implode because of it but I feel a little under the gun now for not having done all that stuff.

I watched a lot of TV this weekend...something I haven't done in a long long time. I miss my Lifetime TV! :)

I watched Desperate Housewives last night and it was kind of a sad one....one of the main characters died...we knew it was coming but it was kinda sad to see her actually go. She went in such a classic way too...I loved the line they used...something like she died the way she lived, at the center of attention. The show was a reflection of all the imperfect yet perfect ways Edie touched people's lives. It got me thinking a lot about my own life. I suppose because we all must face our own mortality and it seems even more relevant with my upcoming b-day but it really made me think. The episode makes a nice conjecture about a person’s life; when you look back, it’s going to be filled with mistakes, regrets and joy...it's all a part of life. The show ended with Edie doing a voice over about how she lived, how she enjoyed her life and how she lived...oh how she really lived.

Made me weep like baby of course but it also made me think a lot...it's time to start really living so at the end there are no regrets. No regrets....no rules....Carpe Diem!

Of course the Universe had this to add today:

You're freakin' me out. I can't remember when you last looked so radiant. When your inner beauty shone so bright. When your step was so light and your smile so heavenly. And it's Monday! What's gotten into you?! Does this have anything to do with recalling your divinity? Have you realized that time truly is on your side, and that more than enough of it remains for us to do your greatest work? Is it that you now see how much you already have, how many you've already helped, and how much you've already done? Ahhhh! Your eyes just did that sparkly thing! Moonbeams just shot from your fingertips! The aroma, all around you, is like lavender! And your angels are locked wing to wing singing,
"Weeeeeeeeee are the champions..."

...Okay, okay. So I'm pulling your leg a little bit. Truth be told, I can't remember when you didn't look like this.

All together now...
The Universe

What are your talents?

At work we have had to do "talent reviews". The idea is to sit down with your boss and fill out this outrageous form to discover your "sweet spot". What are your career interests and aspirations? You fill out this sheet that is suppose to help "guide" you on your ideal career path.

I find it rather frustrating. You start out by deciding on a scale of low, medium or high how you feel about these three areas: Aspiration (how much you want to grow and advance), Engagement (how connected you are to the company's vision, values and mission) and lastly your Ability (how competent you are).

The idea is you choose your level of contentment and then fill out the rest of the form based on increasing your contentment in each of these levels until you achieve your "sweet spot". I think then you have reached the nirvana stage and you can then die happy knowing you contributed to the greater good...right? Does anyone ever get there? Do you even want to? I know we all need goals to work towards but honestly...I don't get it. I feel like I'm being put in this box...this is who you are...this is where you need to get to...if you don't...your a failure.

I also find it hard to be honest on this form. I had this conversation with my boss...it's the same conversation we keep having...I need more of a challenge, I need to feel like I am contributing to the bigger picture. I want to challenge myself, to grow my skills, to learn new things. He's on board with it for the time we are having the conversation but when it comes down to the execution of things I get pushed to the corner...again.

I want to insert an obscure movie reference from Dirty Dancing...."nobody puts baby in the corner". I probably quoted it wrong, I almost always do (Annie, the doctor will see you now!) but the point is...I don't want to sit in the corner, I want to be out amongst the people. How do you make them let you do that at work?

Do you really have to sit in the corner? Doesn't anyone want me to dance!?

No do overs? Really?

I love the thought of a "do over". I am a big fan of them...a test gone bad, a date not quite as you expect, an event.....let's do it again....an opportunity to fix the wrongs, mend the fence or to do what you wish you had done or to re-live the life gone off track.

But really, is a "do over" really a "do over" ? If you are doing it over, aren't you really changing the event, the moment, the experience? Are you keeping control of what happens or are you letting the Universe do it's thing and bring you what you need? I was thinking of this as I drove in this morning, I had a tour a weekend ago that wasn't my best tour....it went badly from the start and I thought to myself I wish I could do that over so I could leave them with a better experience, a better feeling, a better impressing....just better....but I can't. You can't change a first impression or a experience...you just have to plow on ahead and make the next one better. So I come into my email and what does the Universe have to say to me:

You get as many "do-overs" as you like. Of course, you never know you're living a "do-over" until it's over. There are lots of reasons for
wanting a "do-over." Most of all, people want another chance to
do things they were afraid to do the first time, and to say things they were afraid to say. Oddly enough, it's not their mistakes they want to rework, but their "unused" minutes. Yeah, pretty nifty, but you should know that it isn't any easier the next time, and because no two ever go exactly the same, the gifts, opportunities, and loves of one, never appear the same way again. Never. So all in all, it's better to live as if there are no "do-overs," so that you won't need one. But I thought I'd share this with you anyway, to work in the bits about fear, mistakes, and how precious today's opportunities really and truly are.

Crafty as a fox,
The Universe

So interesting how my own thoughts seem to be wandering along the same path as the Universe. It's clear it's sending me a message.....but I still keep struggle trying to understand it. I get that we shouldn't live our life with a plan of always having a "do over", that we should take the moments and learn from them, move on, experience the good and the bad but I kind of like the thought that I have the OPTION to "re do" something. It's like a safety net.

I like the thought of my life with a saftey net.....who doesn't?

Just listen

There is so much to hear if you just listen. If you can stop the internal chatter, the noise that constantly fills your head, there are so many messages being thrown at you every day and if you can just listen to some of them you will be OK.

I am in what I am calling my sink or swim phase right now. Work is busy, my personal life is, well for lack of a better term, busy and school is insanely busy. Mix into all that the messages the Universe keeps throwing my way I just don't have enough bandwidth to process it all. I just started my final class last night...my capstone. It's a compilation of everything I've done over the last 2 1/2 years...it's a 40/50 page paper analyzing in depth a company including financials and it is to include a 30/40 min. presentation. It's due in 11 weeks.......11 weeks. No time to delay, must get going but I feel like I am in quicksand.

My message from the Universe however:

Give it thought, Dawn. Consider every angle. And then speak your
mind. You've not been drawn into anyone's life just to listen.
Loud and proud,
The Universe

Speak my mind....I like that but what if your mind is a muddled mess...what if you can't formulate a single sentence? How do you move forward then?

Remember the Wizard of Oz? The beginning is in black and while and suddenly when she ends up in OZ it's the beautiful, technicolor life. Suddenly things are vibrant and you can't imagine how anyone could live in that dull black and white kind of life....that's where I am right now...I'm in the house spinning wildly in the air and I can see the ground.....it's getting closer and closer and I want to land but I just haven't been blown about enough yet by the tornado that is life.

Seems a lot more dismal writing this then things really are but it helps me put things in perspective if I write them down....plus it clears some of the muddle out of my head and leaves room for new muddle. I've learned a new trick....if I think of thinks in little nuggets it seems more manageable....if I try to look at the whole big picture I get overwhelmed and I go into panic mode.

Partially I think I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME is because of course my b-day is around the corner. I always get a little freaked out about another year passing....I try to smooth it over, to cover it by doing something fun....I think if I embrace it, take it on head on it will sting less....it kinda doesn't though....it's still there, below the surface taunting me like a school yard bully. It's another milestone to prove that yet another year is gone and I feel like I need to have SOMETHING to show for it.

That's interesting....if I think logically about all that I've accomplished since my last birthday I amaze myself....if I think on a surface level all that I've done I feel disappointed....that seems like there is a huge disconnect there. Will have to delve into that in another post now won't I.

So much more to say.

Ready, set....grow

It's funny we don't realize how much we have changed, grown, become someone else until we actually do it. Recently I was talking with my boss about wanting a new job, one that is challenging, one that offers me a reason to get up in the morning...something that makes me feel like I am contributing to the greater good...the bigger picture and he said to me people don't just get a job like that....they often are doing that job and then somewhere along the line that job becomes theirs. He said you do the job before you have the job. I thought about that and realized there is some truth to it on many levels. We don't know we are growing, we just realize one day we have grown.

It's like me being in school...I didn't know how much I didn't know. Looking back, I can appreciate and grasp how much I've learned, how much I've grown and yet how far I still need to go. I feel that way about my life here at work too. I just ran into an very old co-worker, someone I haven't seen in about 15 years. We used to work really closely together and he left the company to pursue his career....he's been job hopping every few years and still doesn't seem to be someplace he wants. I on the other hand have been here for 23 years (would have been 24 if I didn't have that one year out in the real world) and I'm fairly content....fairly....and yet I didn't even see that happen.

Funny things happen when you stop looking.

Learning to trust

Trust...are we born just trusting people? As a small child you have to trust the adults in your life not to drop you, to feed you, to not forget to pick you up at the end of the day but as adults it's a little harder. You get jaded by life, by experiences, by feelings and you end up with trust issues.

How do you learn to trust yourself? Your own voice, when do you know it's strong enough to speak on it's own?

I want to trust myself, I really do. There are somethings I trust without question....there are other things I really have to think about. Do I trust myself to say yes? To do the things I really want to do without worry, without judgement?

Lately it seems like I am pushing my own trust boundaries. Am I growing or just learning to listen to my own voice more? If I don't think too much about something I can jump in and do it without issue.....if I have too much time to think, to second guess, to play out all the ways something will go wrong in my head I stop, I don't trust even my own self. It's like trusting that someone else wants to see you naked. Do you really drop all the outerwear and just put it out there or do you keep hiding behind clothes? When is it time to trust that the naked you should come out?

Is trust and habits the same thing? Do we do something for so long that it becomes a habit but we misunderstand it as trust? Are trust, habits and our own instincts all melded together somehow? The mysteries of our brains are something. I started really thinking about the differences between instinct, intuition, trust and habits it's all kind of a muddled puddle.

Intuition can provide us seconds to make decisions, our instincts are what we seem to have been born with and rely on to keep us safe. Did we learn them from those we trust? As we grow in life our instincts develop and in turn, become part of our habits.

We are complicated people. We may never find the answers to this but I guess it comes down to learning to trust our instincts. By doing this hopefully it will lead to habits that may help guide and protect us all of our lives.

So is it time to be naked? I just don't know.

Time flies when you are having fun?

Isn't it funny how fast time goes when we stop focusing on it...when we just keep moving and plugging away? Suddenly you look and the end is in site. I remember starting school 2 1/2 years ago thinking it was going to take FOREVER to finish and all of a sudden, last night, as I finished my last Marketing class and my last class at the current location, they are moving my school to Eden Prairie, I realized, I only have 12 weeks left.....12 weeks.


Where does the time go when we stop watching it? All of a sudden I am realizing how very fast our lives zoom by us. I am approaching another birthday, pretty quickly, and it's always a mental reminder that a year has passed....passed before I realize it's even passed. Most people use New Years Eve to make resolutions or goals for the new year, I do to but less focused. They are usually more general in nature....like this year's big one....No Rules! But a birthday is more about me...it's about time to start focusing on what I want for myself out of this next year.

What do I want? What do I need? Is this really finally my year?

The truths we tell ourselves

Isn't it funny the things we tell ourselves are "truths."

It's our own form of denial but it's safe, it's a world we know and ultimately we control. We tell ourselves we deserve this or that and we cope, we deal, we survive in our bubble of truths....but what are we really hiding from? When do we look in the mirror and like what we see?

Too often we all fall victim to living an unintended life. We are surrounded by well meaning friends, family even careers, and even though things seem right at the time, over the years the gloss and glamour somehow wares thin and we become embroiled in the endless mundane tasks of every day life. Suddenly you wake up one day wondering how you got to where you are, why are you living the way you are and really wondering why you feel like you have missed out on something bigger, something more meaningful.

All of a sudden the puzzle of your life you've been building has all these holes in it, all these missing corners and you have to find the the pieces. Are there always missing pieces? Do we ever get to see the entire picture? Do we want to?

The reality is we each need to find the missing pieces, to discover our own truths. It's hard to do. In order to do this we have to admit to ourselves our own limitations, our vulnerabilities, weaknesses and then be willing to make necessary positive life-altering changes.

Who is ready for that? Isn't it easier to live in our own pool of truth? Challenges become opportunities.....do we have time for new opportunities?

I had a conversation with some friends about living a past life. I really do believe that our souls have experienced things before. They are a part of us and are here to help us learn, teach, guide.....to just be something bigger than just us, than just this moment we are in. There is a bigger meaning/purpose behind who we are and who our life paths cross. I think we are here to learn lessons that we ignored in another lifetime and now it’s our chance to make things right, maybe even to restore our soul's good virtue?

Maybe we need to acquire greater knowledge and wisdom that our soul craves in order to move onto the next step? According to the Law of Attraction:

what is attracted to you is also given out and soon everything around you vibrates with a higher, purer resonance that creates transformation, unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness, as well as unconditional healing. And on it goes - you create the domino effect, thus raising the overall global and universal consciousness level.

So when do we begin telling ourselves the real truth? When do we decide to empower ourselves and hear what we have closed our ears to?

When do we begin to search and find the missing pieces of our own puzzle?

When do we give up?

Is there some point in time, some magical known moment that you just know it's time to give up? To give in, to stop pursing your dreams, wants, needs. Is there a moment you actually, with total clarity, know it's time to give up?

I got a bug in my head to actually paint on Saturday, I went and got all the fixin's to get started and after about 1 hour I stopped and opened a bottle of wine. I do not like painting. I like the outcome but I hate...HATE the actual process.....especially alone. Ugh!! Then yesterday I had a kind of lazy day, I couldn't seem to get motivated to finish painting (truthfully I had barely started when I gave up - again!) and with so much homework looming on the horizon I just sort of checked out for the day and opted for a day being lazy and snoozing on and off. I feel sort of guilty today about a wasted day but it is what it is. Now I must make up for it ten fold today.

Because I had such a lazy day, I had time to think...which for me isn't usually a good thing but I started thinking about my parents and my grandparents and my relatives and I wondered if they have (had) lived the life they were aiming for? Did they accomplish their goals? Their dreams? Did they enjoy where they were at in their own life and what did they give up to get to where they were? What did they want from their lives? Did they ever sit around drinking with friends talking about their hopes and dreams? Their goals? Did they love the one they were with or did they wish they were with someone else? Were they happy? Are they happy?

It was just my mom's birthday and last year at this very time we were contemplating turning off her life support and here it is one year later and she's kicking it around still as fiesty as ever. It's funny how fast life changes in one year....365 days.....it's really not that much time. I can't help but wonder, what will I be doing in one year? Had some friends over on Saturday night and it was fun trying to solve the worlds problems while sipping apple martini's. I think the sound alone of a martini being made can change the world. I like to get other people's perspectives on life too. Sometimes it helps shift our own perspectives and align things we didn't even know were out of alignment.

I think about how many things I've given up, stopped, changed directions on or decided it just wasn't worth doing anymore. How many people I've lost contact with, how my relationships have changed and all the new friends and experiences I've gotten to add to my life. At this point in my life there are some things I know for sure. I know I am never going to rule the world, I won't ever be a size 10, I won't have babies, I won't have a little house with a white picket fence and mostly I'm okay with those decisions. When do you know it's time to give up on something? Are you not suppose to? Are you suppose to keep plugging away until you're so exhausted from trying that you just give up or do you realize it before then and just switch gears?

I found this picture of my grandparents I took when I was in high school. I remember this moment as if it were yesterday. They lived in Florida and I was down there for a week, a cheap vacation, and we were going out to dinner. It was 5:00.....5:00 and we were going to dinner. I remember thinking My God...who goes to dinner at 5:00? They stood outside their house and my grandfather put his arm around my grandmother, squeezed her close and said "I love you Annie". They stood there smiling waiting for me to snap their picture, a second in time forever captured. It's this wonderful moment in time that is etched in my head for some reason. I think because they were so happy at that moment. They were content, they seemed to be happy I was there, with each other, with their life and it all seemed good. I remember that moment so clearly. I wonder if they were living their life the way they wanted.

Do we get to choose our life or does our life choose us? I am almost done with school and my life has been so consumed by school and work and homework that I don't even know how to exist without all that extra stuff taking up my days. What will I do? What will I be? Do I get to decide that or does the Universe have some grand plan?

I guess only time will tell.

Funny things....

You know I always say the Universe is a funny thing...but suddenly it really seems to be IN my head.

I don't know if it's because my birthday is approaching and even though I work hard to have fun with it, something deep inside me always cringes as it approached. Or if a full moon is on the cusp, if I'm just so overwhelmed with life and work right now that I feel I need a "under construction" sign posted ON me.....don't know but the Universe seems to really be hearing me and responding...just not sure what to do with what it's saying.

I feel discombobulated, like I just can't get a clear grip on things going on around me. Then this from the Universe today:

These are the times when hopes are dashed and chaos abounds,that golden opportunities, prized ideas, and new friends emerge into the view of all, but are only seen by the few who look.

Let's go crazy,
The Universe

This is for sure one of those times. Smart ass Universe. What lesson am I suppose to be learning from this?

I had to be in several meetings yesterday, not what I normally have to do, and at one point I found myself just staring at the group wondering how many of them were married and what their spouse was like.

What connects two people? Are they opposites that balance each other? Are they happy? Did they choose to be together or was it one of those things like OMG I don't want to be alone the rest of my life - you'll do? What connects two souls?

What is it that makes two people decide to spend their lives together? Through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs? What drives them to commit themselves to another person and do some of us not have that in us? I wondered if you asked them "what is your favorite thing about your partner?" what kind of an answer you would get.

I wonder that about myself too. If feels like the last few weeks I've been getting feedback about all the things I need to change...to fix, to adjust....why I'm not the "best me" I could be and how I need to change to fit into someone's idealistic mold of what they think I should be. I normally can ignore it and move on but for some reason, it's really stuck with me and its really beginning to wear my soul down.

I guess I need to make a list of my favorite things about myself...or is it that I'm just not looking? Hmm, so much to ponder on a Friday morning.

Endings

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. Everytime some old ends something new slips in to fill its space. I keep thinking about that because I'm so over whelmed with trying to finish school right now I can't imagine all the time I will have when I am done with school. I can't imagine what new things I will do when I have the time.


How long do you wait? Wait for a late friend, a family member....a lost love? I actually did something I don't do very often last night..I watched tv. Not really but it was on in the background and I saw bits and peices of American Idol. I used to be obsessed with that show, I never missed it...now I couldn't tell you anything about it except Simon is still an ass and the kids look younger than ever. David Cook was on singing some sad song about waiting for someone. It went on something like you go do what you need to and I'll be right here waiting for you to come back to me...it made me think...how long do you wait? Do you completely give up your life to wait for them to come back? What if they never do...do you still wait?

I think we all do that in a sense, we wait for our life to begin. When he/she loves me it will be fine, when I get that new promotion/job, when I lose weight.....when I finish school. Jesh. It's crazy wrong. Why do we do that to ourselves. What kind of walls have we built up around ourselves that a life of waiting for something is ok?

Another busy week but this thought was rambling around in my head and it just wouldn't wait.

End of the first quarter

Where does the time go? I remember blogging about the new year and then blogging about the NEW new year and here we are at the end of the first quarter of this year already. This year is one quarter done, gone, spent, over...finished. Wild how fast time goes.

I barely can find time to get things done in one week much less one quarter. School is pretty all consuming right now....two classes while working full time and part time and trying to squeeze any piece of a life is completely and utterly exhausting...especially at my age. My marketing class is done next week but I've really enjoyed it....and then only 3 weeks left of my on line class but that one is killing me....so much more work than an actual class class. Ugh.

I feel like life is racing by and I am running as fast as I can to keep up and let me tell you...I don't run. I feel like I am just moving moment to moment without any thought. It's really exhausting.

I started this year (twice actually!) with the concept of NO RULES and I haven't really lived up to that like I planned. I don't have time to. hee hee.....that's really kind of an oxy moron isn't it.

I know I just have to keep moving or things will fall apart...if I just keep moving I think I can keep all the balls in the air....we shall see.

I read this quote the other day, something about each day being a new chapter in our own book, what will we write today. I really liked that thought. Although I wonder if I could have a ghost writer. Is that an option? To have someone else step in for a bit and write the pages of my life?

The Universe seems to understand what's happening all the time....

The Chinese say, "The best time to plant a tree was always 20
years ago. The second best time is always today."

Funny how planting trees and taking action on the life of
your dreams are the same that way.

The Universe

No day but today.