Actions speak louder than words

I'm the queen of the eye roll. I have it mastered. I can even do it without actually physically doing it - sometimes it's more of an internal thing. As a kid I used to get in trouble all the time for rolling my eyes in response. Sometimes though, a good eye roll is all a girl has.

Some say it’s a form of self-expression, or a way to hide what you are really feeling. I have what you would call a lot of "tells". When I get nervous my tummy makes excruciating loud gurgly sounds that I cannot control. It's rather embarrassing and rather loud…but it happens. My therapist always knows when she’s hit a nerve when it speaks loud in the silence her question or challenge to me goes unanswered. Also, when I’m upset beside the classic eye roll, I tend to shake my foot like it’s full of electricity. It makes trying to hide these feelings a bit hard to do but I still choose the classic eye roll as my best example of actions not matching my word.

An eye roll can mean multiple things. It can be sarcastic such as my mom telling me “you are not going anywhere until your room is clean” *insert sarcastic eye roll here* or it can be a very intense way of thinking “did you turn the dryer on before you left today?” *insert thinking eye roll here* or even the you have got to be freaking kidding me eye roll such as when your boss asks you something completely absurd at the very last minute – for example literally 2 minutes before a meeting starts “now you’ve got the video ready to go right” and he never told you there was a video nor gave you a video *insert wide eyed I am going to kill you eye roll here*. So a good eye roll can really cover multiple circumstances.

All this coming back to the point of making our actions match our words. For me, New Year’s resolutions are my nemeses. I hate them. I despise this time of year where we are forced to spew out some fault or trait we hate about ourselves in an attempt to meet the social norm of “making New Year’s Resolutions.” Out with the old…in with the new! Well if that were indeed the truth my wardrobe did not incorporate any new trends and unfortunately a gym membership did not happen and forget about finding my soul mate. Though I probably would have greatly benefited from any one of these plans, I have difficulty with their simplicity. Things that are meant to unfold in normal logical sequences usually become complicated and exhausting really quickly. I tend to easily lose focus of small steps and shoot straight for overarching and end-of-the-world themes or as my friend calls it - the end of the rainbow. As much as I despise the whole black and white thinking…things sometime really are. You either love me or you don’t. You either want to make me dinner or you don’t. You either want to keep a job or you don’t. Black and white….actions match deeds.

Perhaps it’s because I have tricked myself into believing I am OK with the chaos that has become my life, that I work best amongst the mess, and constant need from others that keeps me going. The very reason I get up every day is so I can do something for someone else, my very being is dependent on me doing something for someone else…writing, editing, answering phones, renting apartments, giving presentations…it’s always for someone else. Someone else is always the driving force behind my very existence. After all, it is in these situations where I thrive (or at least I say I do).

My self-expression seems to illustrate this perfectly. Over time I’ve developed a guts first process of communication – I say what’s on my mind. I grew up in a house where we never really said what we felt, we held it in until it appeared in angry outbursts at something simple like dropping a spoon. I often have a hard time NOT saying things out loud and sometimes force others to use their words out loud. My verbal rants can be laced with snarky outbursts, laser beam stares, and far more cuss words than a lady should say out loud.

Although I’m all for acceptance of owning your feelings, it probably wouldn’t be all that bad if I learned to be a bit more…shall we say thoughtful----considerate-----sympathetic to maybe not say all those things out loud? So….how so I manage to make my actions match my words if I am going to “filter” myself?

Sometimes I am confused as to who I have become. My projection of who I think I am and who I actually am are not matching up - my actions don't seem to match my words - seems an appropriate place to insert an eye roll of some type here.

Oblivious happiness

I once saw this picture that horrified me and made me giggle like a school girl at the same time. It was this picture of a kid’s baseball team posing for a team picture. Everyone was standing on the bleachers after what appears to be a BIG win and the kids were all facing the camera in three layers….smiling broadly….except for the one kid in the back row. It’s at the exact moment the picture was taken that this poor child in the back row projectile vomited on the first two rows of obvious happy children. The picture is snapped literally seconds before this unexpected barrage of puke douses the first two rows of children. Oblivious happiness.

Now I can only imagine what followed in those few seconds after. I imagine lots of screaming and possibly some sympathy puking by others, but for those first few seconds, no one cared. All they knew was to stand still, smile and be happy for just two seconds. It’s amazing how life changes in a blink of an eye. How many of us live life in a stupor of what we’ve convinced ourselves is happiness. How many of us have convinced ourselves that our job, our partner, our boss, our lifestyle is making us happy? It’s when one tiny thing shifts that we begin to refocus our eyes and see things - well to see them differently. To see them as they really are.

My parents were married for 20 some years. To most people who knew them, they appeared happy - well as happy as anyone with 7 kids to raise could be. They both had jobs, they appeared to have friends both socially and professionally and occasionally, we as a family appeared to be happy going on family vacations or trips to visit relatives. To most people we appeared status quo - that is until one day we weren't. At some point within that life, my father decided he no longer wanted to live this life.
Somewhere along the way he decided he was no longer going to get up, go to work, come home and do it all over again. He went on a fishing trip with friends and something compelled him to quit his life just like that. Apparently you can throw the baby out with the bath water. With no warning or explanation he simply  called my mother and told her “I never loved you, I’m not coming home.” And just like that, the life we had all known, the oblivious happiness we convinced ourselves was happening was done.

Like a band-aide being torn off, the gross underbelly of our lives were exposed for all to see. We were a broken family. It would take years and a few episodes of my father coming back deciding to “try one more time to make things work” before my parents finally and totally called it quits. It was confusing to us because we had never really seen that side of my parents. We had never really known the issues between them, the years of unhappiness, the times they had to bite their tongues and stay together "for the sake of the kids." It never occurred to us - until it did - that they were not happy. They were not in love and certainly did not want to spend another minute pretending otherwise.

To them, it was an obvious choice...and looking back, it probably was. It’s always in the looking back we are able to see things more clearly. We all became used to the way things were, oblivious to what we thought WAS happiness. How many of those situations do we each have now? Looking back over the last year – are there things you need to change? I'm fairly certain I could make a list.

Just like most people do….we live a life we think we are supposed to until one day we don’t. What makes it happen? Is it one person? Is it a conversation? Is it the feeling that you are constantly living a day in the life of that movie Ground Hog’s Day – where the person keeps reliving a situation over and over and over until they actually learn the lesson? How many moments are we living every day that we are oblivious to? How many times at work do you have to say to yourself “today is going to be a better day”? or in a relationship “I won’ t let them treat me like this anymore! I am going to stand up for what I want!” only to be waking up and experiencing that same day over and over and over to the point you thing that’s what normal is. We convince ourselves that not only are we happy but this is how it's supposed to be.

I say enough with living obliviously. It’s time we become conscious and intentional in our own world. In personal and professional ways it’s time we take the blinders off and face things head on. If they aren’t right, change them. We have the power to do that. We have the ability each and every moment to decide what our NORMAL should be. What is it going to take to for you? What do you need to clear the clutter out of your head to be able to see clearer? If you’re always fighting something, it’s pretty obvious there is a reason…your subconscious knows more that you are letting on.

Go for bold, go for real – life it too short to live life half-way. How about living HAPPILY here and now – now that’s a concept isn’t it.

Pretty in Pink

I like pink. I would say it’s my ”signature” color. It’s funny that I don’t even think about it or how much of it I actually own. I was standing in my morning fog with my coffee in hand waiting to pay for it and the cashier said to me “did you try to match your phone and your wallet to your outfit?” I sort of snapped back into reality and kind of laughed a little…..oh dear, I didn’t even realize I did that. Then someone else chimed in and said You always dress in pink. It kind of caught me off guard. I try to be sure I look decent before I leave my house and match but I didn’t realize how much of what I own IS pink. Hmm….guess I do have a signature.

I thought about trying an experiment…how long could I go before I couldn’t find anything pink to wear in my closet? I mean I have lots of color…and multi-color but the primary color IS pink. Even my favorite Coach purse is pink. I see a pattern here. It’s nice too because my good friends know my pink liking….they buy me things like a pink coffee cozy, a beautiful scarf, a coin purse even a pink sparkle pen…yes…pink AND sparkle are my colors…I feel pretty in pink.

So why is it something makes us feel better about ourselves? What is it about a good pair of shoes or outfit that just help us get to that level of feeling good about us? We don’t change….we aren’t any different but somehow the right outfit can launch us into a powerful, self-assured state of mind that can change the world. I have what I call my “girl dress”. Surprisingly it’s NOT pink…but it’s a lovely mix of coral and black with a beautiful satiny coral bow that normally I wouldn’t wear….who wants to accentuate their waist or hips? But there is something about this dress that transforms me when I magically slip it on. It’s girly and floofly and I feel like a total girl in it. I have random strangers stopping me telling me how wonderful I look, how much they LOVE my dress….and I have to say…I could have a gangly old snagle tooth and severe bed head and I would still totally ROCK that dress. It’s just one of those magical things I can’t explain - but I sure wish I had more outfits like that!

Women especially, are so hard on themselves. We judge ourselves against this preset idea of what beautiful is or more over what we’ve been taught to believe what beauty is. That we have to be this blonde, tall, thin, anorexic type of a person to be “beautiful”. Then there are those - like me - who have some life under their belt and some miles under the hood and some meat on their bones who feel like a total rock star in a dress no matter what anyone says. I remember when I bought this dress I debated spending the $19.99 on it. Yes, $19.99. I hate spending money on clothes....unless I feel like I can multi-use an outfit, like a mix or match item, I hate to spend money on one item. I know I’m totally worth it but it’s something buried deep inside me…I just have a hard time doing it.

I think it all comes down to us feeling like we know who we are. I feel confident and secure and amazing in pink…it makes me feel a little invincible. Is a color supposed to do that? Maybe…but maybe it makes me feel a little braver to go out and do things I didn’t think were possible…to make mistakes and learn. After all, you have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't – right. You take the action, and then the insight follows: you don't think your way into becoming yourself you have to figure it out along the way.

So pick a color and own it!

Where does your soul live?

Your soul is defined as the “I” part of the self. It’s what causes us to act…to be….without the soul, we would be like a light bulb but no electricity….ying without yang. Everything has a soul to sustain it, to give it significance. It’s like the engine of our life – our meaning – our purpose. It helps us create the inner identity that drives our energy and helps us express who we are and why we are here. Where does your soul live?

Does it live in the creation of your children? The connection with the perfect partner? Having the most amazing friends? Caring for the sick or injured? Taking care of animals? Where does your soul come alive?

We’ve all heard that phrase “you’re my soul mate”  - meaning the perfect other half to who we are. We all need someone to balance us out, to keep us calm in the face of chaos, happy when we are sad and to love us when we feel completely unlovable. These souls come in many forms. Some are our life partners we choose, some are our friends, some are more of a feeling or a belief bigger than ourselves….such as a god or religion or connection with something less tangible. Whatever that connection is, you need to find it and hold onto it and bring it into your everyday life.

I was reading an article on Oprah.com and this statement struck me.....and of course got me thinking - "Your soul is always at home. Home is where you feel understood – some people just have to travel to find it.”  So how is it we spend our lives, our energy fighting our “home”? How is it some people feel that connection to a place even when you may be happy where you are? We have this inner part of us that creates that feeling, this connection to a place.

I feel at home in many places - I love staying in hotels. I adore the crisp linens on the bed, the tv remote that almost never works unless your 2” from the TV, the little soaps and shampoos in the bathrooms and the towels…the super, over bleached, uber white towels. Man, I could LIVE in a hotel! I feel at home there…I like that I don’t really know anyone…the possibility of making new connections makes me happy, I like the thought of finding a connection with a random stranger…I enjoy talking to new people and finding something new and interesting about them…if not, I never have to see them again. It’s magic. It's the perfect life. You get to see and witness and be a part of something on a bigger scale. You get to eat at places you may have otherwise NEVER crossed. You meet random strangers in the airports, the hotels, the conferences - everywhere. It's a life filled with constant possibilities.
I think my soul was meant to be a traveler. I was meant to not have my feet planted anywhere….I was meant to be on the move. I think that’s why I don’t feel a connection to my space...where I now call home. Perhaps it's time to play the lottery so I might have a chance to win and then make my life be nothing BUT travel....perhaps.

In the meantime, I must teach my soul to be still and content with the here and now. Ohh boy...that's gonna be a tough one.

Rainbow Thinking

Like death and taxes, there is no escaping color - its universal. We see commercials all the time showing us on how to keep our colors bright and our whites – well….white. But how does this translate to our thinking?


How many times have you been told it’s not all black and white? I’ve always struggled with black and white thinking….all or nothing…it IS or it ISN'T. I sometimes have trouble realizing there may be something better - a middle of the road rainbow thinking. I grew up in a family that didn't really teach me that....it was always YES or NO. Maybe ALWAYS meant NO - no matter how much I prayed and hoped....maybe ALWAYS turned into NO.

So we learn black and white thinking at an early age and from many sources: family, friends, school, the dieting industry, and even society. Our parents usually told us we were "wonderful" one day, and then the next day, for whatever reason, you were suddenly "bad."  Rather than pointing out our specific strengths or weaknesses, we were simply labled as such - black and white. We're left with a simplistic kind of reasoning - good or bad. All or nothing. Always or never. Black or white.

In reality, one piece of anything doesn't make anybody fat. And fat doesn't mean bad. And just because you’re not just like everyone else, doesn’t make you less than amazing. Needing to see ourselves as perfect only causes a constant feeling of inadequacy. This is where rainbows add some relief.

Rainbows are this beautiful reaction after a bad start. Usually a rainbow appears after a storm - not always but that's when I've seen the bulk of them...is that my black and white thinking coming through? Anyway, a rainbow juts across the sky in this magnificent bolt of color. It lights up our world and our sky after the dark has cleared. Rainbows make us feel happy…like everything is going to be OK now.

Why can’t we translate this to our thinking? Rainbow thinking can be the alternative to black and white thinking. It means giving ourselves numerous options instead of limiting ourselves to only two. It means seeing all the colors of the rainbow instead of only black and white. It means having access to all our feelings and letting ourselves believe that good enough is good enough!

The color black is known as the color of authority and power. Villains such as Dracula wore black…oh sure there was the splash of red in there (red is an emotional based color that stimulates an increased heartbeat and is also the color of love) but overall, it was a sign of power. White is meant to symbolize innocence and purity. Brides wear it, I personally can’t wear it as I inevitably spill something on it that I’ll never get out…but when you put the two together, it creates the yin-yang of our life.

Yin-yang represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle is meant to represent “everything” and the black and white shapes represent the interaction of the two energies that causes everything to happen. Nothing is completely black, just as nothing is completely white – one cannot exist without the other. Yin (black) is dark, passive and cold. Yang (white) is bright, active and strong. The symbol gives the sense of continual movement of these energies and thus creates a balance; one is always there for the other. Life should be that way.

So maybe the new symbol should be rainbow colored and allow both parties to be this ball of light and energy that cannot exist without the other half. Just like anything new, rainbow thinking may be uncomfortable at first, however, after spending some time in the middle of the road getting used to being perfectly imperfect - the journey becomes much easier and more enjoyable.

Let your colors shine on.