Steady Arms

Some days you just have to create your own sunshine.

Sometimes no matter how much you want it, things just don't go your way. In those cases, we need to be able to go somewhere deep inside and pull the energy or motivation to keep on plugging away at our own lives. That is a well we have to be sure is constantly stocked, if it runs low or empty that's how we end up with self doubt and soon our fears begin to take over.

Learning to keep that well stocked is a hard lesson. Sometimes we don't even know it's been depleted until we dip into it only to hit the stony walls...suddenly we panic and chaos rules supreme because we have nothing to draw our energy from. Sometimes friends or lovers can help get up through those moments but overall, it's really up to us. We are the only ones who can really keep our own wells full with what we need, after all who knows better than ourselves what we need?

I wish it there were a warning light like in a car. When something is wrong some light comes on and you think "what the hell is that". You did through your glove box for your owners manual and look it up...or google it. Then you know how to proceed. Oh...the oil needs to be changed or oh the engine is gonna blow....but you at least get some what of a warning....danger Will Robinson...danger.

I think it would be really helpful if had some kind of warning light....some kind of a sign that our well was getting low. Maybe a flashing light, a warning sound possibly even a text message.

Guess it's something we need to be in tune with to be able to know when our well is low, maybe that's what our close friends are for...they are are warning lights.

The Messages we receive

I believe in what goes around, comes around, that you get what you give. That we are constantly being sent messages from the Universe but we don't always hear them because of everyday life crap or we are so focused on where we want to be or what we want to have that we can't relax and hear what is being said.

Too much internal chatter doesn't allow any of the external stuff to penetrate and we get lost in the stuff that is our own life. But once in awhile, we have that moment, that second where everything looks new and clear and BAM! we can focus again, we can think. Suddenly the path lies before us clear and shining like a pretty new penny.

Three words....I LOVE YOGA!

Who would have thought it? I certainly didn't. I always thought it looked impossible to do...I mean really...those positions make me giggle like a school girl just watching experts do them but the very thought of myself in one of those obscure positions....not gonna happen.

Of course...every time you say NEVER it usually happens. For example...I'm never going to talk to him again and the second he calls you find yourself right back where you started, cursing yourself for opening that door again. So I said it...never gonna happen, not gonna do it...well I should not even listen to myself any more.

Lately the internal chatter has gotten out of control, nothing I do calms it, nothing I do stops it and frankly it was beginning to over run my life. I have been trying different things to quell it but nothing was working. My sister told me about this Yoga class she took and how after just one class she felt so much less stress and it didn't matter that she couldn't do every pose she felt good. I was a total doubting Thomas...but I agreed to go, to try it. I wanted to prove her wrong.

Wish I could insert a picture of me eating crow because that's what I did. Man, it was the first time in my entire life I felt centered. I couldn't believe first off that my body could move in those ways and how powerful I felt holding a warrior position. I have some work to do when I have to stand and grab my leg from behind me and some obvious balance issues but overall, I left there feeling renewed, recharged and for the first time in several months the internal chatter seemed to be very very quiet. Insane.

So the Universe tells me this today:

Sometimes having more fun and being happier comes from looking for each in crazy, new places; instead of waiting for them to come from where you've found them before or where others are now finding them. And I do mean crazy. Not just from the old standbys of travel, adventure, and romance, but from stretching, reaching, and growing. Accepting new responsibilities for your happiness, totally accepting others, and grasping even higher ideals. Philosophically taking yourself to places few have ever dared before.
Red hot smokin' love, The Universe

I've tried having more fun, meeting new people, doing new things outside my normal fun circle. I tired growing and taking on new responsibilities....thinking it would bring me happiness and contentment....clearly not working. I tried travel and romance (boo!) and thinking....well I thought I was thinking but whatever. I never considered lots of things but never once did I ever consider that my own brain, head and heart were blocking my path. Amazing.

So - here is my advice - for what it's worth. Don't limit yourself. Don't say no until you have tried. Open yourself up to the possibilities that messages are being sent to you right now and all you have to do is keep tuning your internal dial until the static stops and the words are clear.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

A few words on perspective

The more you find good in others, the more you find it in yourself. If that statement is to be beleived then we must live outside ourselves to learn to live within ourselves.


Lately life has moved at a break neck speed and it's coming at me fast and furious. I have so many days where I can barely keep track of my own life much less plan anything for the future. I also have been finding it hard to find the GOOD in others. I feel like there is an alterior motive to almost everyone and everything. Like the friend who calls you and and asks "what are you up to this evening" and thinking they want to hang out you say "nothing" then they say "great then you can you watch the kids so my boyfriend and I can go out?" Really.....I can.....um...yeah.

I feel like I can't trust anything anymore, not even myself....I seem to make wrong decisions and I keep letting the wrong people into my life only to have to constantly clean up my own mess. It's hard to be an adult.

The Universe says this to me:

In all of time and space there is no challenge, pothole, mountain, chasm, hurdle, or foe larger than you. Not even close. Although if all you use to size them up are your physical senses... good luck!
Tallyho, The Universe

So really if there is nothing but ourselfs in our own way we can control it. Is it true that we are what we think and in turn our thoughts let us create the world we live in...if so I might be in trouble.

Tides of change

Things never stay the same, as much as we want them to they always change. Really they have to. If nothing ever changed we would be in an endless cycle of the same old same old and soon we'd be so bored ourselves that even we wouldn't find ourselves interesting.

If feels like just when you are enjoying something it changes. I would really like some things to just remain as they are for a little while. To really let me appreciate them. I know if things didn't change, didn't go wonky or off track we would never really cherish and love the good things.

It just feels like the more things keep changing I can't keep my balance...like I'm walking on a tight rope in a really windy cavern. Personally and professionally things are constantly moving and changing and it's like I can't catch my breath. You know how after you have a really really good cry and you get that shuttering kind of breath.....where you keep sucking in air until finally you calm down....that's what it feels like right now....no air.

How does one get out of this path? How do you decide to just keep rolling with the tides of change but not let it push you down? I haven't watched TV in a long time....I see snippets of it but haven't really sat down and watched it....I did this today and I realized it would be really nice to have life scripted and able to wrap up in like an hour or 2 .....like a Lifetime movie.

Wonder if you could script your own life like an afternoon movie. It would be nice to have it all wrapped up and onto the "happily ever after" part in just a few hours. Wonder how soon before that would get boring.

I was at a gathering last night and had some time to talk with some people I don't get to see very often and it's funny how fast everyones life changes. Just one year can bring on so many mind boggling changes not just for yourself but for others. Marriages end, kids go to school, babies are born, love develops, cancer invades lives and yet we all manage to keep on going, to keep plugging away and moving forward. Sometimes it boggles the brain to think about all that changes without our permission.

The tides of change are like the seasons, you can't stop them from happening and yet we always miss them when they are done.

Vending Machine Moment

You know that moment - we've all had one - the one where you stand before the vending machine waiting for your treasured goodies to drop. It's that one second where you've plunked in your last bit of change that you dug through your purse to find, made your selection of an over priced bad for you product and now you watch in anticipation as the little wire spins to release your prize!

Of course seconds before it's free and in your hands it stops and is turned at an awkward angle that leaves it hanging, suspended in mid-air, a tiny corner still locked in place by the wire completely denying you access. You scream to the God's above and try with all your might to shake it loose but the machine weighs 500lbs. Curses.

It's like meeting prince charming only to find out he sits around in his underwear, burping and shushing you while he watches TV. Or the very second you stick your face into that bag of chips, trying to gobble up every last little salty crumb and suddenly your boss walks around the corner and into your cube.....I call these Vending Machine Moments.

Sometimes it feels like there is a giant metal spring constantly blocking us from getting to that next step on our journey in life. That we live in some giant vending machine just shy of the nickel we need to get that over priced, air filled bag of Cheetos for two seconds of bliss. Sometimes we just need to have the bad food, the stale chips or the ultra small sized over priced candy....it's that few minutes of satisfaction that sometimes can help spring us forward into the next moment.

After all that's all our days are - moments. Moments after moments and each action causes us to move forward into another moment and without thinking we are at the end of a day. All comprised of thousands of moments...some mean absolutely nothing and yet other moments mean so much more.

What other realities are out there, hidden behind clouds in our own mind that we can't see? I realize that this is not an easy question to formulate an answer too. When I was younger ( and more ambitious) I thought I knew where I wanted to go in life, where I wanted to be. Things seemed so much clearer and easier then. I think I wanted power, fame, wealth. I craved experience, knowledge and desired passion. I felt a burning desire to save the world and to leave my mark, however, as life continues to move on and disappoints me I find I have less and less yearning for these things.

I have still have ambition, but ambition without desire is kind of like a firework that looks pretty but burns out fast. I need more. I need something bigger. I need more than a moment in time.
I‘ve had enough achievements in my life to know that those moments temporarily quench my thirst. Don't get me wrong, there have been some great moments but such moments are short-lived and when they are over, there is usually a crash...back to reality. Immediately followed by the inevitable...now what.....where do I go from here?

Each time I have set out to accomplish something, several failures usually come along for the ride. It happens quite unexpectedly. I energetically (and often naively) set off in pursuit of some goal going along my path and at some point failure rears it's ugly head. Failures at least in relation to my expectations. If, however, I persevere; if I give increasing amounts of time and energy to the task; if I learn from my mistakes; if I modify the goals as I proceed; then, often, there comes a moment of success.

But by this time— days, weeks, and sometimes years have gone by and the "who" I am now is very different from "who" I was when I began. Sometimes the "me" that committed to the goal has gone right when I should have gone left. Is this victory?

I wonder if I say: "I want this!" and it could be instantly fulfilled, if I would experience the pleasure anticipated with the thought. Or is the time between the wish and the fulfillment what really makes it all come together? Who knows what the result will be? I might no longer want that particular thing any longer or the current "me" might even be repelled by the outcome.

Even if I know clearly, and with complete certainly that I want this particular thing right now, how do I know I will want the same thing if I succeed sometime in the future? Further, because of time—because nothing seems to happen instantaneously, because of the inevitable pause between the wish and the fulfillment—any moments of my life spent getting "this" cannot be spend getting "that." Yet how do I know, when the moment of fulfillment comes, that I wouldn't have preferred "that" to "this?" Well, maybe I'll get both. If I work hard enough?

And I seem to notice that my bag of chips gets a little lighter with each passing minute—whether I enter the game or not. Is this the game of life?

Easy come, easy go

Life always seems simpler looking back on it. I think of my life when I was a kid. Really what was the big deal? School, homework, hanging with my friends. Occasionally the sleep over or roller skating party to plan...but really, a simple life. When your a kid though you only want to grow up, to have your own life, to be in charge. Meh...it's over rated really.

Real life is full of decisions and constant thinking. I am exhausted almost before the day starts just thinking about all the stuff I have to do in one day. I mean it's an endless battle that we have to keep doing every single day. You get up and have to fight all that's changed overnight. Trying to tame the wild hair, wash your face, brush your teeth, get dressed, make sure you look decent...put on make up ....and where in god's name does all the hair come from over night? Seriously...just keeping a person's eyebrows in line can become a full time job!

I wonder if my life would be easier if I were someone with money....someone famous that people sought out to talk too. Would it be easier if I had people to do all the mundane things for me or is there some value in taking care of ourselves? Do we learn more and ultimately feel better about ourselves if we are in charge of ourselves? I guess I don't know any different so I have to assume yes...there is value in taking care of ourselves.

I miss the days when things like an Easy Bake Oven made me really happy. Why does that have to change as we get older? Why do we forget to enjoy the simple things of life? I need to work on capturing those moments back. I want to be able to enjoy the simple things of life without worrying or wanting more.

Bring back my childhood....no matter how dysfunctional it was.

Sorrow gives you wings

Things happen for a reason. That's what we have to believe. We are all born full well knowing that the outcome is always death. At some point in time we all die. It has to be. The most you can hope for is to do something amazing while you are here, to make a difference, to leave your mark, to love and be loved along the way. If not...then what is it for?


Dealing with death is exhausting. So many little things you don't think about that suddenly you have to think about....for someone else. It's exhausting mentally which eventually turns into physically which in turn effects you emotionally...it's a toll. But there is always good with bad, sun with rain and right with wrong.


Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to find the light again. The death of a loved one sort of forces you to stop and take a look at your own life. I've learned I am more capable of handling more stress and sadness than I thought possible. I've learned that sometimes, even though your heart is breaking you have to keep moving forward...that tears are healing and sorrow can give you wings you never new you had.


The Universe tells me this today:

You might call it spiritual logistics, but sometimes you have to move away, to get closer. Either way, it helps to remember it from time to time.
Tallyho,
The Universe

And while we're at it, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel the love, to find it was there all along.

I love the line sometimes you have to move away to get closer. It's like when your writing something...you have to put it down, walk away and come back to it with a fresh head. I guess life is a lot like that, you have to walk away from it until you can see the light again.

You can't catch anything if you never fish.

The Rainbow Connection

Legend has it that at the end of every rainbow sits a leprechaun with a pot of gold. If that’s true, apparently I’ve only been finding the wrong end of that rainbow for a long long time.

Rainbows occur when sunlight is refracted through rain droplets and create an arc-shaped spectrum of colors in the sky…this is the reality of what creates a rainbow. But what about the metaphoric rainbow?

As Kermit the Frog sings : Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide........Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors. The voice might be one and the same. I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm supposed to be. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Life seems to constantly get harder as we get older. When we are younger it feels like we are protected from a lot of life's issues. Our parents try to protect us from death and scary things. I remember as kid a firework factory blew up. I was in grade school and when it went it sounded like bombs exploding. Of course no one at the time knew what it was so panic ensued. I was in school and I remember sitting in the hallway crouched over with my hands over my head, like that would stop concrete from crushing me but hey, that's what we did. As it turns out it, it was nothing and my parents tried to brush it off. When my grandfather died when I was 12 they sort of brushed that off too. At some point though, you can't brush off life's issues. You have to deal with them and face them head on.

I know that old saying that things only make you stronger. Dealing with death, illness, job loss, failed relationships....it all serves a purpose in our lives. We have to deal with these things as adults...but sometimes I'd like to live the life of a protected child and look for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow instead.

Staying with the story long enough

In this day and age everything is disposable. Friends, lovers, jobs, relationships......food. It's all about convenience. How quickly you can get something and how quickly you can be done with it. There is something to be said for saying with something through the good and the bad. I like to use my grandparents as an example.

Annie and Miles were married for some 50 odd years. They had certainly seen their fair share of both the good and bad sides of life. They had two children and worked hard their whole lives. They finally retired and moved to Florida where they enjoyed a good life before my grandfather got sick and died....my grandmother followed just about 10 years later. They struggled their whole lives against things life threw at them and yet they weathered the storms. They stayed together and finished their story.

My nieces and nephews (and their kids now) have no idea what it's like to finish the story. The minute things get hard or mucky they walk away. They leave, stop, quit and it's really sad....they will never really know a happily ever after if they don't stay and fight the good fight. It's so easy to quit when things get tough. When you hate your boss or if the partner you've chosen is not the dream you once thought..but how do you know when it's time to stay and fight through it or to walk away? If you always walk away, how do you find a reason to stay?

All endings are happy endings - if you even believe in endings. Do you beleive in endings?

Searching for yourself

Have you ever googled yourself? Or searched yourself out on a website like Dexknows.com? I was looking for my friends address so I could send her a birthday card and I searched her on dexknows. I was surprised at the information readily available...it's kinda creepy actually!!

It listed her family members, their names, ages, and if I wanted, a map to her house. So I put myself in and pretty much the same info...except oddly enough my friends address came up as my address too....but I've never lived there. Weird.

I find the internet a wildly facinating device. You can find out anything you want to with the click of buttons. Amazing.

I wish life were that easy.

Giving up or accepting?

There are somethings I know for sure:

• I know I'll never be a super model
• I know I'll never be without grey hair again, well without some help
• I know I'll never have children of my own.
• I know I'll never wear a size small of anything

These things I accept. I know these things for sure, but when do you decide to accept your own realities and short comings and when is it giving up?

Do I give up the battle against the grey hair and let it go? Every morning I get up and I try to look decent. I shower, comb my hair, put on make-up and attempt to be sure my clothes match or at least make me look some what acceptable for work. Some days are a miserable missed attempt but overall, I do OK.

I try to make sure when I leave my house, I look like I care about my appearance and I try to keep my house in some what of decent shape in case the unexpected guest drops by....I accept this as part of who I am and what I have decided is important in my life. At some point do we have to re-evaluate that?


I see people every single day that don't appear to make any type of an attempt to groom themselves in a public friendly manner. They either have severe bed head, wrinkled clothes or really don't look like they put any or much effort into making themselves presentable. And who hasn't seen some hair that makes you go....my god...don't they own a mirror? But I wonder, is that their reality? Is that what they have accepted as the norm? Or have they given up?

How do you know where to draw that line in the sand?

Lately life has taken on a bit more of a hectic, frantic, out of control phase for me. Work, family, friends, part time work...all has it's merits as well as it's faults. Don't even get me started on my love life! So maybe that's wearing me a bit but really, when do you decide to stop fighting and just give up? Is giving up failing? Is accepting what IS the right thing? Aren't we suppose to constantly strive to make our lives better for ourselves by reaching outside our comfort zone to grow and become better and stronger than we ever thought we could be?

It seems utterly exhausting. I feel like I don't know why I fight it....why do I struggle for a better job? To have the right person in my life? To maintain friendships with people who clearly don't make me a priority.....what's it worth?

I think we do have to stop and ask ourselves...are we really going down the right track or are we forcing ourselves to stay on some path that clearly is wrong? When do we give up and accept that we are exactly who and where we are suppose to be?

If that's the truth....what's next?

It's all downhill from here

Being alone or by myself is something I keep struggling with. I don't know if it's the actual act of being alone or if it's more feeling based. It seems to be getting worse as I get older too.

Being alone to me feels like - I don't matter. That if something happened to me, if I fell or got hurt or died - no one would know. No one would care....no one would notice. I KNOW that's not the truth, I know it in my heart but it's there...it's in me...it's how I feel. I can't really separate that - yet....but either way, I am not a fan of it. Because of this I have to force myself to be at home. To do things around me house all by myself.

I am addicted to texting. Maybe because it makes me feel like I am not alone, maybe because it FORCES people to think about me, I don't know...I do know - I love it. I crave it...I can't go a day without it. Judge me if you must but it is what it is.

Anyway, I decided on Sunday that I wasn't going to be the first to text people...that I would wait and see how long before anyone contacted me. So I waited...and I waited...and my normal routine is I send several texts before 10 a.m. because I don't sleep well....that's a whole other issue....but Sunday, I waited. I never heard from the usual suspects until about 3 p.m.

I realize other people have families and lives and things going on besides me but that was a bit of a ---- I don't know, shock? disappointment? Kind of made me a little sad.

I then decided I would take the day and do things around my house I have been putting off. So I cleaned, I organized, I purged and got rid of some things and still I felt uneasy in my own space. What is that about?

I have had the opportunity a few times to get a roommate if I really wanted one, but I don't want one. The thought of having to share my space with another person isn't really what I want. I am a complicated duck...this I know.

I started thinking however, about how we become the people we are. How we become so entwined and dependant on other people to complete us. I think that's it....I need other people to complete me. To make me feel whole, to give me purpose, to give me a reason to do what it is I do everyday. I mean what is it for if not to make me happy and feel loved and needed by others? Hmm, I sense a bigger issue here.

Then I wondered....if you knew how your life would end up would you venture down that path? If you knew that the person you are in love with right now would turn into something different, something you didn't bargain for would you stay? Would you invest your heart and your time? Would the trade offs be worth it?

What about the job you have...if you knew it would change and morph into something completely different or outside where you ever saw yourself doing would you stay? The Universe posed this question to me a few days ago and its made me think a lot since then:

Would you ever take a journey if you knew ahead of time that you'd become hopelessly lost, have your heart broken into pieces, and sometimes wish you'd never been born?

Now, how about if you knew ahead of time that on that very same journey you'd also find yourself, fall passionately in love, and live happily ever after?

It's the "what if's" of life that always make me stop and pause.

What if's will eat you alive.

Adversaries

Do you have a mentor? An idol? Someone you aspire to be? Someone who encourages you, roots for you, is always there for you no matter what? A very best friend? We all have those people who encourage us, support us, boost us up when we are down and we need them. We are even those people to someone else. But what about an adversary? Someone who always points out your flaws? Who looks for you to fail...who is happy when things don't go your way? You have anyone like that in your life? Anyone who makes your days miserable or challenging?

If so - thank them. Yes I said THANK THEM.

These are the type of people who will help you grow. Who push you or challenge you to become more than you thought you could be. You ever have someone tell you "oh you can't do that" or "you'll never do that right".

What is your immediate response...do you agree and quit or do you push on with an attitude of power and purpose?

When I was finishing school I interviewed one of our executive vice presidents to pick her brain about what success meant to her, how did she achieve the lot in life she had and what advice she would/could offer someone up and coming in the world. She talked about working hard, giving back to the community around you and being sure you gave equal time to work and family but she also talked about this book her father gave her as a young child....Disputed Passages.

It tells the story of a young doctor who went to work with an older doctor who always pointed out everything he did wrong, how he didn't really know anything which in turn made the young doctor work even harder and learn more just to prove the older doctor wrong. One of my favorite quotes from the book:

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you and disputed passage with you?"

It's true, we learn most from those who challenge and push us outside our comfort zone. So when you create your list of idols, don't forget to include those who challenge you and dispute your passage.