Oblivious happiness

I once saw this picture that horrified me and made me giggle like a school girl at the same time. It was this picture of a kid’s baseball team posing for a team picture. Everyone was standing on the bleachers after what appears to be a BIG win and the kids were all facing the camera in three layers….smiling broadly….except for the one kid in the back row. It’s at the exact moment the picture was taken that this poor child in the back row projectile vomited on the first two rows of obvious happy children. The picture is snapped literally seconds before this unexpected barrage of puke douses the first two rows of children. Oblivious happiness.

Now I can only imagine what followed in those few seconds after. I imagine lots of screaming and possibly some sympathy puking by others, but for those first few seconds, no one cared. All they knew was to stand still, smile and be happy for just two seconds. It’s amazing how life changes in a blink of an eye. How many of us live life in a stupor of what we’ve convinced ourselves is happiness. How many of us have convinced ourselves that our job, our partner, our boss, our lifestyle is making us happy? It’s when one tiny thing shifts that we begin to refocus our eyes and see things - well to see them differently. To see them as they really are.

My parents were married for 20 some years. To most people who knew them, they appeared happy - well as happy as anyone with 7 kids to raise could be. They both had jobs, they appeared to have friends both socially and professionally and occasionally, we as a family appeared to be happy going on family vacations or trips to visit relatives. To most people we appeared status quo - that is until one day we weren't. At some point within that life, my father decided he no longer wanted to live this life.
Somewhere along the way he decided he was no longer going to get up, go to work, come home and do it all over again. He went on a fishing trip with friends and something compelled him to quit his life just like that. Apparently you can throw the baby out with the bath water. With no warning or explanation he simply  called my mother and told her “I never loved you, I’m not coming home.” And just like that, the life we had all known, the oblivious happiness we convinced ourselves was happening was done.

Like a band-aide being torn off, the gross underbelly of our lives were exposed for all to see. We were a broken family. It would take years and a few episodes of my father coming back deciding to “try one more time to make things work” before my parents finally and totally called it quits. It was confusing to us because we had never really seen that side of my parents. We had never really known the issues between them, the years of unhappiness, the times they had to bite their tongues and stay together "for the sake of the kids." It never occurred to us - until it did - that they were not happy. They were not in love and certainly did not want to spend another minute pretending otherwise.

To them, it was an obvious choice...and looking back, it probably was. It’s always in the looking back we are able to see things more clearly. We all became used to the way things were, oblivious to what we thought WAS happiness. How many of those situations do we each have now? Looking back over the last year – are there things you need to change? I'm fairly certain I could make a list.

Just like most people do….we live a life we think we are supposed to until one day we don’t. What makes it happen? Is it one person? Is it a conversation? Is it the feeling that you are constantly living a day in the life of that movie Ground Hog’s Day – where the person keeps reliving a situation over and over and over until they actually learn the lesson? How many moments are we living every day that we are oblivious to? How many times at work do you have to say to yourself “today is going to be a better day”? or in a relationship “I won’ t let them treat me like this anymore! I am going to stand up for what I want!” only to be waking up and experiencing that same day over and over and over to the point you thing that’s what normal is. We convince ourselves that not only are we happy but this is how it's supposed to be.

I say enough with living obliviously. It’s time we become conscious and intentional in our own world. In personal and professional ways it’s time we take the blinders off and face things head on. If they aren’t right, change them. We have the power to do that. We have the ability each and every moment to decide what our NORMAL should be. What is it going to take to for you? What do you need to clear the clutter out of your head to be able to see clearer? If you’re always fighting something, it’s pretty obvious there is a reason…your subconscious knows more that you are letting on.

Go for bold, go for real – life it too short to live life half-way. How about living HAPPILY here and now – now that’s a concept isn’t it.

Pretty in Pink

I like pink. I would say it’s my ”signature” color. It’s funny that I don’t even think about it or how much of it I actually own. I was standing in my morning fog with my coffee in hand waiting to pay for it and the cashier said to me “did you try to match your phone and your wallet to your outfit?” I sort of snapped back into reality and kind of laughed a little…..oh dear, I didn’t even realize I did that. Then someone else chimed in and said You always dress in pink. It kind of caught me off guard. I try to be sure I look decent before I leave my house and match but I didn’t realize how much of what I own IS pink. Hmm….guess I do have a signature.

I thought about trying an experiment…how long could I go before I couldn’t find anything pink to wear in my closet? I mean I have lots of color…and multi-color but the primary color IS pink. Even my favorite Coach purse is pink. I see a pattern here. It’s nice too because my good friends know my pink liking….they buy me things like a pink coffee cozy, a beautiful scarf, a coin purse even a pink sparkle pen…yes…pink AND sparkle are my colors…I feel pretty in pink.

So why is it something makes us feel better about ourselves? What is it about a good pair of shoes or outfit that just help us get to that level of feeling good about us? We don’t change….we aren’t any different but somehow the right outfit can launch us into a powerful, self-assured state of mind that can change the world. I have what I call my “girl dress”. Surprisingly it’s NOT pink…but it’s a lovely mix of coral and black with a beautiful satiny coral bow that normally I wouldn’t wear….who wants to accentuate their waist or hips? But there is something about this dress that transforms me when I magically slip it on. It’s girly and floofly and I feel like a total girl in it. I have random strangers stopping me telling me how wonderful I look, how much they LOVE my dress….and I have to say…I could have a gangly old snagle tooth and severe bed head and I would still totally ROCK that dress. It’s just one of those magical things I can’t explain - but I sure wish I had more outfits like that!

Women especially, are so hard on themselves. We judge ourselves against this preset idea of what beautiful is or more over what we’ve been taught to believe what beauty is. That we have to be this blonde, tall, thin, anorexic type of a person to be “beautiful”. Then there are those - like me - who have some life under their belt and some miles under the hood and some meat on their bones who feel like a total rock star in a dress no matter what anyone says. I remember when I bought this dress I debated spending the $19.99 on it. Yes, $19.99. I hate spending money on clothes....unless I feel like I can multi-use an outfit, like a mix or match item, I hate to spend money on one item. I know I’m totally worth it but it’s something buried deep inside me…I just have a hard time doing it.

I think it all comes down to us feeling like we know who we are. I feel confident and secure and amazing in pink…it makes me feel a little invincible. Is a color supposed to do that? Maybe…but maybe it makes me feel a little braver to go out and do things I didn’t think were possible…to make mistakes and learn. After all, you have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't – right. You take the action, and then the insight follows: you don't think your way into becoming yourself you have to figure it out along the way.

So pick a color and own it!

Where does your soul live?

Your soul is defined as the “I” part of the self. It’s what causes us to act…to be….without the soul, we would be like a light bulb but no electricity….ying without yang. Everything has a soul to sustain it, to give it significance. It’s like the engine of our life – our meaning – our purpose. It helps us create the inner identity that drives our energy and helps us express who we are and why we are here. Where does your soul live?

Does it live in the creation of your children? The connection with the perfect partner? Having the most amazing friends? Caring for the sick or injured? Taking care of animals? Where does your soul come alive?

We’ve all heard that phrase “you’re my soul mate”  - meaning the perfect other half to who we are. We all need someone to balance us out, to keep us calm in the face of chaos, happy when we are sad and to love us when we feel completely unlovable. These souls come in many forms. Some are our life partners we choose, some are our friends, some are more of a feeling or a belief bigger than ourselves….such as a god or religion or connection with something less tangible. Whatever that connection is, you need to find it and hold onto it and bring it into your everyday life.

I was reading an article on Oprah.com and this statement struck me.....and of course got me thinking - "Your soul is always at home. Home is where you feel understood – some people just have to travel to find it.”  So how is it we spend our lives, our energy fighting our “home”? How is it some people feel that connection to a place even when you may be happy where you are? We have this inner part of us that creates that feeling, this connection to a place.

I feel at home in many places - I love staying in hotels. I adore the crisp linens on the bed, the tv remote that almost never works unless your 2” from the TV, the little soaps and shampoos in the bathrooms and the towels…the super, over bleached, uber white towels. Man, I could LIVE in a hotel! I feel at home there…I like that I don’t really know anyone…the possibility of making new connections makes me happy, I like the thought of finding a connection with a random stranger…I enjoy talking to new people and finding something new and interesting about them…if not, I never have to see them again. It’s magic. It's the perfect life. You get to see and witness and be a part of something on a bigger scale. You get to eat at places you may have otherwise NEVER crossed. You meet random strangers in the airports, the hotels, the conferences - everywhere. It's a life filled with constant possibilities.
I think my soul was meant to be a traveler. I was meant to not have my feet planted anywhere….I was meant to be on the move. I think that’s why I don’t feel a connection to my space...where I now call home. Perhaps it's time to play the lottery so I might have a chance to win and then make my life be nothing BUT travel....perhaps.

In the meantime, I must teach my soul to be still and content with the here and now. Ohh boy...that's gonna be a tough one.

Rainbow Thinking

Like death and taxes, there is no escaping color - its universal. We see commercials all the time showing us on how to keep our colors bright and our whites – well….white. But how does this translate to our thinking?


How many times have you been told it’s not all black and white? I’ve always struggled with black and white thinking….all or nothing…it IS or it ISN'T. I sometimes have trouble realizing there may be something better - a middle of the road rainbow thinking. I grew up in a family that didn't really teach me that....it was always YES or NO. Maybe ALWAYS meant NO - no matter how much I prayed and hoped....maybe ALWAYS turned into NO.

So we learn black and white thinking at an early age and from many sources: family, friends, school, the dieting industry, and even society. Our parents usually told us we were "wonderful" one day, and then the next day, for whatever reason, you were suddenly "bad."  Rather than pointing out our specific strengths or weaknesses, we were simply labled as such - black and white. We're left with a simplistic kind of reasoning - good or bad. All or nothing. Always or never. Black or white.

In reality, one piece of anything doesn't make anybody fat. And fat doesn't mean bad. And just because you’re not just like everyone else, doesn’t make you less than amazing. Needing to see ourselves as perfect only causes a constant feeling of inadequacy. This is where rainbows add some relief.

Rainbows are this beautiful reaction after a bad start. Usually a rainbow appears after a storm - not always but that's when I've seen the bulk of them...is that my black and white thinking coming through? Anyway, a rainbow juts across the sky in this magnificent bolt of color. It lights up our world and our sky after the dark has cleared. Rainbows make us feel happy…like everything is going to be OK now.

Why can’t we translate this to our thinking? Rainbow thinking can be the alternative to black and white thinking. It means giving ourselves numerous options instead of limiting ourselves to only two. It means seeing all the colors of the rainbow instead of only black and white. It means having access to all our feelings and letting ourselves believe that good enough is good enough!

The color black is known as the color of authority and power. Villains such as Dracula wore black…oh sure there was the splash of red in there (red is an emotional based color that stimulates an increased heartbeat and is also the color of love) but overall, it was a sign of power. White is meant to symbolize innocence and purity. Brides wear it, I personally can’t wear it as I inevitably spill something on it that I’ll never get out…but when you put the two together, it creates the yin-yang of our life.

Yin-yang represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle is meant to represent “everything” and the black and white shapes represent the interaction of the two energies that causes everything to happen. Nothing is completely black, just as nothing is completely white – one cannot exist without the other. Yin (black) is dark, passive and cold. Yang (white) is bright, active and strong. The symbol gives the sense of continual movement of these energies and thus creates a balance; one is always there for the other. Life should be that way.

So maybe the new symbol should be rainbow colored and allow both parties to be this ball of light and energy that cannot exist without the other half. Just like anything new, rainbow thinking may be uncomfortable at first, however, after spending some time in the middle of the road getting used to being perfectly imperfect - the journey becomes much easier and more enjoyable.

Let your colors shine on.

Funny bone - not funny

Ever hit your funny bone? I personally find nothing funny about it. It's quite painful. Not even sure why it's called a funny bone. Maybe because it's pretty funny to figure out exactly how one can hit that particular part of your body spot on to extract that much pain? Still - not finding it funny.

I of course did that this morning. I was trying to get out of my car with my hands full of crap, why do I haul so much stuff with me all the time? Anyway, I was trying to get out of my car and it never fails, when your hands are full the wind will come out of no where and shove your door closed just perfectly hitting that part on your elbow that normal everyday life doesn't even touch. Yeouch. That event always wants me to swear out loud like a freaking sailor...because that helps me feel better.

I realized, if anyone is walking by my house they must think I'm a terrible person - I mean I swear out loud to myself all the time. It makes me feel better. For some reason, when your angry, a good swear word makes everything way better....well it does for me. So when I cracked my funny bone, I swore out loud....and immediately remembered I was out in public, at work and now....my dirty secret is out...I am a sailor.

So I had to figure out where the funny bone got it's name...so I googled it. The internet is a wonderful thing:

"The "funny bone" got its nickname because of that funny feeling you get after you hit it.
But your funny bone isn't actually a bone at all. Running down the inside part of your elbow is a nerve called the ulnar nerve. The ulnar nerve lets your brain know about feelings in your fourth and fifth fingers. It's also one of the nerves that controls some movement of your hand.
You get that funny feeling when the ulnar nerve is bumped against the humerus (say: hyoo-muh-rus), the long bone that starts at your elbow and goes up to your shoulder. Tapping your funny bone doesn't do any damage to your elbow, arm, or ulnar nerve."

So, if you hit it one too many times, does one lose their sense of humor?

A watched pot never boils....

or in my case, a watched toaster never toasts. It may be because the toaster her at work is the SLOWEST toaster ever invented, but it literally takes forever to toast a single slice of toast.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am kind a creature of routine. I do what works for me, mostly. I've tried to change, tried to "upgrade" my life but I can't do it, I like what I got and it works for me, so I've quit fighting it. I get up, get ready and leave....all in anticipation of that nice hot cup of coffee from our cafeteria. It's good coffee, it's Caribou, so it's not like I'm drinking some generic coffee, and it's $1.27 for a big cup. Now if I bring my own mug it's only $1.21...and I've tried, I've tried several times. I have several of those cute reusable mugs that I lose. Yes, I lose. I for some reason can not train myself to hang onto them. I either throw them away, not thinking I toss them in the trash only to remember horrifically later I did it or I leave them some place, can't remember where, or I forget them at home, at work, in my car and they begin to grow all kinds of funky things because they haven't been washed...so I get the good old disposable paper cup...yes I know...I'm not green...or earth friendly or whatever. It's who I am, I've accepted it...you might as well too. In an attempt to "help me", my bestie got me a super cute cup that was not only pink (my favorite color) but it had OUR pictures on it. So #1 if I left it behind someone could easily identify me, the owner, by my photo, and #2 who would throw out their bestie?

So I proudly use(d) it...I cleaned it too so as to not grow funkiness in my besties cup....here's the problem...I can't find it. It's not at work, it's not tumbling around in my car, it's not at home and it's not at my second job......so where in the world are the besties? Yikes...I can only imagine the adventure it's having. Hoping to find it again, but the point is, I'm a creature of habit, of routine, of what works for me. So I bring bread to toast...usually about 8:30 a.m. I get hungry...I get a rumbly in my tummy that only a slice of peanut butter toast can fill. So I take my trusty peanut butter (oh and that's a whole other story, but don't sway from what you like...I like my Smart Balance chunky peanut butter, when I try to switch, I'm always disappointed...anyway), my bread and I go to the slowest toaster in history and wait.

Here's where the "watched pot" comes into play. As I stand there mindlessly willing the toaster to toast faster there is a lot of activity in the break area where the toaster is. There are two microwaves, a refrigerator, a sink, and our mail bins all in this back break area, so there is lots of morning hub-bub. The toaster is next to the sink...seems wrong somehow doesn't it? water/electricity? But I stand there and I watch the glowing of the coils trying to cook my bread, a coworker walks in to heat water, we have a very surface level conversation about him nuking his water for tea, he is trying to save money by switching from coffee to tea.

He brings his own cup but still thinks $1.21 is too much to pay for coffee, we discuss the pros of making it at home and bringing it in as well as a thermos. He says he can't do that because he doesn't' get up early enough to make coffee. Really? It takes like 5 minutes, less time that it does for this freaking toaster to make toast, but OK, I can respect that.....so he's trying tea. OK, rock on with your bad self, I'm sticking to coffee. I then suggest setting a timer and preparing it the night before. He says can't, we are a - and he used air quotes on this phrase - "green household". Interested I ask what does that mean. He said we unplug all unnecessary appliances because it saves like $5 a month on electricity. Curious, I asked more....what? What do you consider "unnecessary"? He says things like the toaster, the blender, the coffee maker, the food processor - all things I barely even know how to use much less own, but OK. I was curious. I've not heard of that. My friend did tell me to unplug my air conditioner unit in the winter as just having it pluged in sucks energy but I thought just because it was a big old window unit. Makes sense I guess.

He leaves and then there is that awkward moment when there is someone left at the sink who apparently is washing his cup like it was soaked in fuel or buried in the ground for days. He's using one of the "high quality" paper towels that shreds the second water touches it, to scrub every nook and cranny of his reusable coffee mug. He makes some comment about why he's working so hard to clean coffee from his coffee cup and I do the polite laughter like it's funny. He makes some comment about how if we were kids we couldn't care how clean this was, that we would drop it in the sand and then just pick it up and drink from it. More polite laughter. Then I then say something like you know, if the coffee is hot enough, it will just melt the old coffee right into the new and you'll never know. He now does the polite laughter back, hesitates, then begins to scrub his cup harder. I've probably installed some new fear into him.

So when my toast is finally ready, I douse it in peanut butter and make the trek back to my desk but it makes me think about how our interactions, even for just minutes, make lasting impressions on ourselves and others. I was going through my house in my mind trying to see what I could unplug to save $5 bucks! My friend and I joke that we are "spreading our joy" when we have these interactions, but what if it's not "joy" we are leaving behind? I worry that I've caused great stress for this poor gentleman at the sink.

Maybe there is more to this world than just our little bubble. Who would have known?

Walk the path less traveled and discover who you really are

The other day I had a conversation with my bestie about expectations. We talked about how we are constantly disappointed and she wondered if we have set our own expectations too high. Do we expect others to be perfect?

This led into a long conversation about what we SHOULD expect from others, including ourselves, and I added from my job/career. Her stance was we have these expectations that we put out there and we can't possibly expect anyone else to live up to that, we can't put that on someone else. We have to understand that is not really fair to the other person. I immediately wanted to argue this point....maybe not argue, possibly "discuss". I said wait....why do we have to settle? Why do we have to compromise, to give in, to forgo what it is we say we want or need from something or someone. She "discussed" back with me...I'm not talking about settling...and from my side, it's all I could see. So we talked more about it...and her point was this:

If you are expecting a certain outcome from a situation and you don't get it, your disappointed. I agreed. So then change your expectation. I say so I should settle...I should settle for something I don't really want so the other person/thing is happy? Clearly we were not communicating. Then our time together was up. We agreed to think about it and talk again later on it....but as usual, I can't just let it go. My mind, if not otherwise occupied, continues to dwell on and "spin" and process this conversation over and over and over. It's very difficult to have a one sided conversation.

So when I woke up at 3 a.m. my mind immediately started pondering this thought again. Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself and ultimately for others? I'll use my job as an example. Four years ago I was dissatisfied with my job. I felt it was lacking any purpose. Sure I was a rock star of an Executive Assistant, always, well mostly always, the go-to person. The one with my "finger on the pulse". I got stuff done. But one day it just wasn't enough. I began to feel unproductive, unnecessary, no longer feeling like I was contributing at the level I needed to be fully engaged. I had a heart-to-heart with my boss who convinced me to get my degree. I had a 2 year degree and only 2 more years and I could have my 4 year degree. In our conversations it make me believe and trust that with a 4 year degree doors would open wide for me. My world, at least my professional world, would become this deeply satisfying and rewarding experience I needed it to be. So I went, I did and I got it.

Hmmm, here's the thing. No doors magically appeared or opened. Nothing really changed...not like I EXPECTED it to. So...I changed my expectations...I settled. I worked and changed my thinking and did everything I was supposed to do expecting an outcome that never came. Now what. OK....so my boss helped me develop into a new position....full of possibilities....so I move down that path...now 3 years later, here I am...expecting something more, something new, something outside of what has now become the norm. How do I keep trudging down paths only to find myself settling into whatever place I'm at. Am I being stubborn or blind to what it means to have no expectations of others? I don't get it.

I'm even more confused now that I try to put this into perspective in my own everyday life. Do we expect too much from the world? How do you stop? What's the difference between expecting and giving up?

Every time I start with a question, it seems to lead to more questions. Why is that?