Taking control

I realize in the span of our own lives there is so little we have actual control over so it shouldn't surprise me that when you give a person an inch to have some control they run with it like a squirrel storing food for the winter. Give them an inch and almost always, they take a mile.

People never cease to amaze me. They always want more, different...they want the world to revolve around them and the minute they get it they kinda go a little bonkers. I'm of course including myself in that mess - we really are quite complicated individuals!

I've always said I hate being alone, I hate having time alone, by myself and so I do things to be sure that doesn't happen but after a few weeks of running at warp speed I get exhausted and cranky and wonder why I don't have any control over my life. I do whatever I can to keep moving, to keep being out there because that seems to matter...it makes me feel like I matter so I run, I run at warp speed until I hit the proverbial wall.

One of my pet peeves is when people say YES to something only to cancel at the last minute or not even show up and yet I've been doing that lately for a few reasons:

• I'm over committing my time - I apparently can't say YES to everything
• I have no real control over my time like I used to, work is kind of my master right now
• Frankly I'm kind of exhausted

I always joke about the fact that I want/need someone to take care of me for a while but really, that's not the answer. The answer is balance, which I am pretty bad at. I need to find a way to balance all the chatter in my head and heart screaming at me that it hates being alone and home and balance that with all the things I've said yes to....things I enjoy, people I enjoy spending time with, and hopefully someone new and important to spend my time with. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I keep pushing myself thinking I'll get to that next point, that next place and I'm wondering if that place doesn't really exist anywhere except in fairy tales or in my own messed up mind.

We all have those moments that someone says something or something happens that makes us go Whoa...wait...what!? That's not me. I call those a "brick in the windshield" moment. It sometimes takes a brick in the windshield to make us stop and take pause....to look at our own self in the same way others are seeing us. Sometimes it hurts....because we have our own walls of denial and security we have built up around us and suddenly we have to see ourselves in a new light and sometimes its a brick in the windshield moment.

Life is nothing if it's not constantly a learning experience. All we can do is try...to keep moving we need to take control of our own lives, thoughts and time and just do the best we can. After all, we are only here for a short time, why not enjoy the ride?