Where we want to be

I have been having terrible sleep issues lately......I can be completely exhausted and fall right asleep but I tend to wake up between 2 and 3 am and can not go back to sleep to save my life. I try meditating, counting sheep, imagining I'm laying on a beach listening to the ocean but still mind races with all the conditions and issues that I struggle with at every waking moment. If there was only a reboot switch for our minds.

I had this talk with a friend of mine recently stating that I really just want one piece of my life to be in the positive....I want one part to be where I need it to be....I can't really deal with having to fight every single part of my life...but I think to make it work you have to be willing to take a risk.

My father used to say nobody is going to come knocking on your door to hand you anything.....so I guess it comes down to what are you willing to do to get it? That goes for all parts of our life...what are we willing to give to get? We give up time with family and friends to get an education, we give up time with friends and family to start a relationship, we even give that up when we have children and then ultimately find the perfect job. It seems we are always giving up to get....but what if what you have isn't what you want.....can you give back to get back to where you were and start again?

At work we have to do these performance reviews that almost always go fine for me but along with that we have to complete this form talking about our development and to ultimately help us uncover our "sweet spot", the place where it all comes together and we are really happy on all levels of our job. I've always sort of just done this to do it and call it done, never really put much effort into it until last year. Last year I sat with my boss and honestly filled out the form and put a lot of effort and work into finding my sweet spot. I thought I had been moving towards it but lately I'm not feeling it. In doing this AGAIN this year, I decided to start over, not use my same form from the past years, I decided to really put some effort into it. As I was completing it, I couldn't help think.....where is this form for my life....for my personal life.

Where is my sweet spot in life? Not just in my job, but in my life? What do I want from my life, from my waking moments? Do we not want to be balanced and happy in personal life? If your life is a constant struggle how do find ways to improve it. What are your three strengths in your own life? What would your family or friends say are your strengths if they had to "grade" you? What three things do you want to focus on to change or improve and how will you do it?

Is it time we laid out a life plan to get to where we want to be? Is it ever too late to find you way on your own life path?

Words unspoken

I saw a quote today that said "drunken words spoken are sober truths untold." We get brave enough to say things out loud when we have a little drunken courage. We some how muster up the strength to say things we wouldn't normally say. It's too bad we choose that time to say what's inside us because it can often get muddled.

Sometimes we can't stop once we start...we say more than we mean to and there is no going back once those words pass through your mouth. You can't take back words. Words have power, they can make you feel so differently about things in a matter of seconds. And once you spewed out the words you then must deal with everything else. In a matter of minutes everything changes.

Dealing with the reality of your words requires you to put on your big girl pants and deal with it. You can't expect to say things, to put it all out in the light of day without some sort of reaction, from a person, the Universe or something. You have to be willing to own your words. I think it's important to be honest and to say what you need to. It's also a huge risk ...... to lay it all on the line and to be open and honest really makes a person feel venerable. By saying what you hold deep inside, you risk everything.

I am not normally one who is afraid to say things out loud...but I do hold back saying things unless I'm sure...I'm certain, I'm 100% I know how things will end. I'm not good at putting myself out there unless I know how it will end. Maybe not end but end up. I think about all those movies where the person risks everything to tell someone they are madly in love with them. They pour out their hearts out to that one person and it goes one of two ways....they melt into each others arms and they live happily ever after or they end up alone and broken hearted.

Do we risk that what we fear most in the hopes of the happily ever after? Is there something to keeping those words unspoken?

Thinking for one

I've always thought of myself as a very independent person. Most of my life I've pretty much had to do things on my own, for myself, not really having someone else to count on or to rely on or to trust will be there whenever I need them....so it always surprises me when this part of me creeps into my world.

Being stuck at home and having to rely on others to get me places has really made me think a little differently about my life. If this is a snapshot of what's to come in my life am I better off just keeping my life as it is or do I just find that someone to join my life so I'm not alone, so I have that other presence/person to rely on? Does it really matter? Do I really need to have that or do I just suck it up and try to learn what it is that I'm suppose to be learning from this whole new way of life I'm forced to live right now?

Seems like the Universe does things for a reason, so there must be a reason I'm going through all this thinking and processing while I'm house bound. What lessons do I need to learn? I realize how very lucky I am that I do have some amazing friends and people in my life that come into my world when I need them. I am very lucky and grateful for that...but somehow there is still this void, this hole, this empty spot that doesn't ever seem to get filled up. I don't know what it will take to fill it but it remains there loud and clear telling me at every moment it can that it's still there and vacant and still waiting to be filled.


Sometimes it's louder than normal and forces me to acknowledge it...other times it's like a low chirping in the background just there but not really THERE. It feels like sometimes we are pushing boulders up a hill....we work and sweat and struggle to get them all at the top only to push them down to watch them easily roll down to the bottom and then, up the hill again we go....why not just leave them there? Why do I think I have to keep rolling them up the hill?

Sometimes I think we make life so much harder that it has to be. That we become our own worst enemies and we put up all these road blocks and conditions to our own happiness. We must learn to become our own supporters. We spend so much time building up walls and we keep doing that until we meet that one person who can finally either climb over the walls or bust through them enough to let us know they are there. Is that what we really want?

Being housebound has me doing a lot more thinking of myself and my life as it is...not as I want it to be or hope it would be but as it IS. It's a little humbling to see things as they are right now and not wonder is this good enough? Is there room for more? Do I need more?

Thinking for one....your table is ready.