Thinking for one

I've always thought of myself as a very independent person. Most of my life I've pretty much had to do things on my own, for myself, not really having someone else to count on or to rely on or to trust will be there whenever I need them....so it always surprises me when this part of me creeps into my world.

Being stuck at home and having to rely on others to get me places has really made me think a little differently about my life. If this is a snapshot of what's to come in my life am I better off just keeping my life as it is or do I just find that someone to join my life so I'm not alone, so I have that other presence/person to rely on? Does it really matter? Do I really need to have that or do I just suck it up and try to learn what it is that I'm suppose to be learning from this whole new way of life I'm forced to live right now?

Seems like the Universe does things for a reason, so there must be a reason I'm going through all this thinking and processing while I'm house bound. What lessons do I need to learn? I realize how very lucky I am that I do have some amazing friends and people in my life that come into my world when I need them. I am very lucky and grateful for that...but somehow there is still this void, this hole, this empty spot that doesn't ever seem to get filled up. I don't know what it will take to fill it but it remains there loud and clear telling me at every moment it can that it's still there and vacant and still waiting to be filled.


Sometimes it's louder than normal and forces me to acknowledge it...other times it's like a low chirping in the background just there but not really THERE. It feels like sometimes we are pushing boulders up a hill....we work and sweat and struggle to get them all at the top only to push them down to watch them easily roll down to the bottom and then, up the hill again we go....why not just leave them there? Why do I think I have to keep rolling them up the hill?

Sometimes I think we make life so much harder that it has to be. That we become our own worst enemies and we put up all these road blocks and conditions to our own happiness. We must learn to become our own supporters. We spend so much time building up walls and we keep doing that until we meet that one person who can finally either climb over the walls or bust through them enough to let us know they are there. Is that what we really want?

Being housebound has me doing a lot more thinking of myself and my life as it is...not as I want it to be or hope it would be but as it IS. It's a little humbling to see things as they are right now and not wonder is this good enough? Is there room for more? Do I need more?

Thinking for one....your table is ready.