Looks good on paper

I have the worst time sleeping. It's been this way for awhile now. My mind usually crashes and burns about 11 p.m. and I sort of shut down...but what happens is I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and soundly but only for a few short hours. Apparently that's all my body/mind (not my soul!) needs to recharge and restart again. I wake up anywhere from 2 to 4 a.m. and I don't just wake up I WAKE UP totally and completely. It's pretty rare that I sleep past 5 a.m., even on weekends. What happens is I start thinking and I start processing and I start trying to get everything in it's place for the day and I can't make it stop. It's like I keep making these mental lists that just don't stop...the list grows and grows and sometimes I check things off but mostly I'm just adding and adding until I can't see straight.

The problem with the lists is I keep making them and I keep thinking about them and sometimes I get some stuff done but then so much more creeps up on on the new mental list that it keeps growing and morphing and changing and then I have to go to work and then my other job and then grocery shopping and then a meeting and then home and clean and cook and...and....and......then I'm so tired that I never actually get AT my lists and they nag and nag at me mentally until I can't take it anymore. It's kind of a vicious circle.

So....it was suggested that I start to create lists...physically write down all this "stuff". Have separate lists for all my thoughts...a work one, a personal one and so on and so on. A list for each segment of my life and I should physically write down and then ultimately cross off things as they come to me. The very act of doing this may help me actually get things off my mind and let me feel organized enough to do what it is I need to do.

So I started today.......I sat and made list upon list upon list and just kept adding and adding until I couldn't think any longer of one more thing to add to any of my sections. I'm not going to lie, the very act of writing down everything I need to do completely overwhelmed me at first. I was a little startled and overwhelmed with the amount of items on my lists. It doesn't help that July is kind of a crazy unusually busy month for me, but still...this explains a lot about why I can't get my mind to stop and slow down enough to settle and sleep. Plus being wounded and not being able to do my normal activities without pain is wearing on a girl. Still...making the list made me feel better overall and I have to say, on paper....I look pretty good and organized and kind of on top of things...but the reality is it feels a bit overwhelming in person and on my very soul.

So the next task it to take a few items every day off my list, to do a few things everyday that allow me to feel like I am moving TOWARDS something and not just sitting in place spinning my wheels. Easier said than done I know but it's worth a try. So perhaps sleep will come easier which will make the rest of all the thoughts cycling through my head settle into place and everyone can learn to live happily ever after. Now the trick is....how to I find the time to get at these items without staying up super late or getting up uber early. There has to be a balance. Oh one issues certainly feeds into another....one step at a time I guess...one step at a time. For now - the lists......