Learning to live with regret

Regret, like old friends, often comes back into your life.

We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.

I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.

I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.

It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.

My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.

I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.

I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?


Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.


No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.


Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.