Some say it’s a form of self-expression, or a way to hide what you are really feeling. I have what you would call a lot of "tells". When I get nervous my tummy makes excruciating loud gurgly sounds that I cannot control. It's rather embarrassing and rather loud…but it happens. My therapist always knows when she’s hit a nerve when it speaks loud in the silence her question or challenge to me goes unanswered. Also, when I’m upset beside the classic eye roll, I tend to shake my foot like it’s full of electricity. It makes trying to hide these feelings a bit hard to do but I still choose the classic eye roll as my best example of actions not matching my word.
An eye roll can mean multiple things. It can be sarcastic such as my mom telling me “you are not going anywhere until your room is clean” *insert sarcastic eye roll here* or it can be a very intense way of thinking “did you turn the dryer on before you left today?” *insert thinking eye roll here* or even the you have got to be freaking kidding me eye roll such as when your boss asks you something completely absurd at the very last minute – for example literally 2 minutes before a meeting starts “now you’ve got the video ready to go right” and he never told you there was a video nor gave you a video *insert wide eyed I am going to kill you eye roll here*. So a good eye roll can really cover multiple circumstances.
All this coming back to the point of making our actions match our words. For me, New Year’s resolutions are my nemeses. I hate them. I despise this time of year where we are forced to spew out some fault or trait we hate about ourselves in an attempt to meet the social norm of “making New Year’s Resolutions.” Out with the old…in with the new! Well if that were indeed the truth my wardrobe did not incorporate any new trends and unfortunately a gym membership did not happen and forget about finding my soul mate. Though I probably would have greatly benefited from any one of these plans, I have difficulty with their simplicity. Things that are meant to unfold in normal logical sequences usually become complicated and exhausting really quickly. I tend to easily lose focus of small steps and shoot straight for overarching and end-of-the-world themes or as my friend calls it - the end of the rainbow. As much as I despise the whole black and white thinking…things sometime really are. You either love me or you don’t. You either want to make me dinner or you don’t. You either want to keep a job or you don’t. Black and white….actions match deeds.
Perhaps it’s because I have tricked myself into believing I am OK with the chaos that has become my life, that I work best amongst the mess, and constant need from others that keeps me going. The very reason I get up every day is so I can do something for someone else, my very being is dependent on me doing something for someone else…writing, editing, answering phones, renting apartments, giving presentations…it’s always for someone else. Someone else is always the driving force behind my very existence. After all, it is in these situations where I thrive (or at least I say I do).
My self-expression seems to illustrate this perfectly. Over time I’ve developed a guts first process of communication – I say what’s on my mind. I grew up in a house where we never really said what we felt, we held it in until it appeared in angry outbursts at something simple like dropping a spoon. I often have a hard time NOT saying things out loud and sometimes force others to use their words out loud. My verbal rants can be laced with snarky outbursts, laser beam stares, and far more cuss words than a lady should say out loud.
Although I’m all for acceptance of owning your feelings, it probably wouldn’t be all that bad if I learned to be a bit more…shall we say thoughtful----considerate-----sympathetic to maybe not say all those things out loud? So….how so I manage to make my actions match my words if I am going to “filter” myself?
Sometimes I am confused as to who I have become. My projection of who I think I am and who I actually am are not matching up - my actions don't seem to match my words - seems an appropriate place to insert an eye roll of some type here.
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