Where we want to be

I have been having terrible sleep issues lately......I can be completely exhausted and fall right asleep but I tend to wake up between 2 and 3 am and can not go back to sleep to save my life. I try meditating, counting sheep, imagining I'm laying on a beach listening to the ocean but still mind races with all the conditions and issues that I struggle with at every waking moment. If there was only a reboot switch for our minds.

I had this talk with a friend of mine recently stating that I really just want one piece of my life to be in the positive....I want one part to be where I need it to be....I can't really deal with having to fight every single part of my life...but I think to make it work you have to be willing to take a risk.

My father used to say nobody is going to come knocking on your door to hand you anything.....so I guess it comes down to what are you willing to do to get it? That goes for all parts of our life...what are we willing to give to get? We give up time with family and friends to get an education, we give up time with friends and family to start a relationship, we even give that up when we have children and then ultimately find the perfect job. It seems we are always giving up to get....but what if what you have isn't what you want.....can you give back to get back to where you were and start again?

At work we have to do these performance reviews that almost always go fine for me but along with that we have to complete this form talking about our development and to ultimately help us uncover our "sweet spot", the place where it all comes together and we are really happy on all levels of our job. I've always sort of just done this to do it and call it done, never really put much effort into it until last year. Last year I sat with my boss and honestly filled out the form and put a lot of effort and work into finding my sweet spot. I thought I had been moving towards it but lately I'm not feeling it. In doing this AGAIN this year, I decided to start over, not use my same form from the past years, I decided to really put some effort into it. As I was completing it, I couldn't help think.....where is this form for my life....for my personal life.

Where is my sweet spot in life? Not just in my job, but in my life? What do I want from my life, from my waking moments? Do we not want to be balanced and happy in personal life? If your life is a constant struggle how do find ways to improve it. What are your three strengths in your own life? What would your family or friends say are your strengths if they had to "grade" you? What three things do you want to focus on to change or improve and how will you do it?

Is it time we laid out a life plan to get to where we want to be? Is it ever too late to find you way on your own life path?

Words unspoken

I saw a quote today that said "drunken words spoken are sober truths untold." We get brave enough to say things out loud when we have a little drunken courage. We some how muster up the strength to say things we wouldn't normally say. It's too bad we choose that time to say what's inside us because it can often get muddled.

Sometimes we can't stop once we start...we say more than we mean to and there is no going back once those words pass through your mouth. You can't take back words. Words have power, they can make you feel so differently about things in a matter of seconds. And once you spewed out the words you then must deal with everything else. In a matter of minutes everything changes.

Dealing with the reality of your words requires you to put on your big girl pants and deal with it. You can't expect to say things, to put it all out in the light of day without some sort of reaction, from a person, the Universe or something. You have to be willing to own your words. I think it's important to be honest and to say what you need to. It's also a huge risk ...... to lay it all on the line and to be open and honest really makes a person feel venerable. By saying what you hold deep inside, you risk everything.

I am not normally one who is afraid to say things out loud...but I do hold back saying things unless I'm sure...I'm certain, I'm 100% I know how things will end. I'm not good at putting myself out there unless I know how it will end. Maybe not end but end up. I think about all those movies where the person risks everything to tell someone they are madly in love with them. They pour out their hearts out to that one person and it goes one of two ways....they melt into each others arms and they live happily ever after or they end up alone and broken hearted.

Do we risk that what we fear most in the hopes of the happily ever after? Is there something to keeping those words unspoken?

Thinking for one

I've always thought of myself as a very independent person. Most of my life I've pretty much had to do things on my own, for myself, not really having someone else to count on or to rely on or to trust will be there whenever I need them....so it always surprises me when this part of me creeps into my world.

Being stuck at home and having to rely on others to get me places has really made me think a little differently about my life. If this is a snapshot of what's to come in my life am I better off just keeping my life as it is or do I just find that someone to join my life so I'm not alone, so I have that other presence/person to rely on? Does it really matter? Do I really need to have that or do I just suck it up and try to learn what it is that I'm suppose to be learning from this whole new way of life I'm forced to live right now?

Seems like the Universe does things for a reason, so there must be a reason I'm going through all this thinking and processing while I'm house bound. What lessons do I need to learn? I realize how very lucky I am that I do have some amazing friends and people in my life that come into my world when I need them. I am very lucky and grateful for that...but somehow there is still this void, this hole, this empty spot that doesn't ever seem to get filled up. I don't know what it will take to fill it but it remains there loud and clear telling me at every moment it can that it's still there and vacant and still waiting to be filled.


Sometimes it's louder than normal and forces me to acknowledge it...other times it's like a low chirping in the background just there but not really THERE. It feels like sometimes we are pushing boulders up a hill....we work and sweat and struggle to get them all at the top only to push them down to watch them easily roll down to the bottom and then, up the hill again we go....why not just leave them there? Why do I think I have to keep rolling them up the hill?

Sometimes I think we make life so much harder that it has to be. That we become our own worst enemies and we put up all these road blocks and conditions to our own happiness. We must learn to become our own supporters. We spend so much time building up walls and we keep doing that until we meet that one person who can finally either climb over the walls or bust through them enough to let us know they are there. Is that what we really want?

Being housebound has me doing a lot more thinking of myself and my life as it is...not as I want it to be or hope it would be but as it IS. It's a little humbling to see things as they are right now and not wonder is this good enough? Is there room for more? Do I need more?

Thinking for one....your table is ready.

Separated but connected

Sometimes I feel so disconnected from everything around me. I am in the midst of a crowd, I am engaged, talking, moving, but in one blink of an eye I suddenly feel completely alone and disconnected from where I am. This confuses me greatly.

For instance, I arrive late to my team meeting that consists of about 15 people. I am slightly late so I am sort of banished to the back of the room in what I call the "time out" chair. There is no room in at the main table for me, nor is there a chair. There is however, 6/8 chairs that sit alone with a little table top and I sit in it feeling giant in a tiny chair and at the same time small and invisible as I sit at the back of the space staring blindly at the table full of people that seem fully engaged.

I could scoot right up to the table and force myself into this group, I've done that, but something sits in my gut that is just letting me feel the separation and the gap in my connection. Is it because I need to learn a lesson? Is it that I have to force myself to re-think or engage differently? Maybe....or maybe it's just my time to try to figure out what it really means?

I've often felt alone in a crowd....like I am here but not really HERE. I have discussed this several times with trained professionals, friends and random strangers....the conclusion is always the same...figure out what's missing. Learning to be present in our own lives is hard.

A friend of mine recently said to me "you always are living in the past or the future and you forget to live in the present." That's true, I can't deny it. But I'm not sure how to change that. There are many things I liked about my past that I wish I could keep, could hold on to, could continue to have but clearly the Universe has decided it's not to be because things have moved past that point. Then I plan for the future...I look ahead, I try to work with purpose and determination towards where I want to go, who I want to be, what I want to have...but then it makes me forget the present, the here and now.

I am focused now on my upcoming vacation. Everything I am doing in the next few weeks is around the fact that I will be gone for a week. So every meeting, every social event, every work schedule is based around when I won't be here....the future. So my present is muddled by my future. I can't really do much about the past except miss it..or laugh at it...or be glad it's just that - my past and hope I don't make the same mistakes moving forward...so again....the future. I try not to dwell on the past as I move ahead but how do you find the balance between the then and the now?

I remember as a kid, we always looked forward to things like spring break, or Christmas break, or anytime we were away from school...then when we were off we looked ahead, with some sort of dread, at the time we had to go back. No one really teaches us how to live in the moment. To be in this very place and time with purpose and conviction. As a matter of fact it's exhausting my brain right this very minute as I try to contemplate how exactly to do that.

How can I be where I am when I am always planning where I need to be? Good question isn't it. How can I remain separated from planning and learning to live?

Learning to let go

The older we get, the more set in our own ways and habits we become. If find I am less willing to change things, habits, routines, work processes as I get older. I mean, it's worked fine this long, why spend all the energy and time on changing it...right? It's hard to let things go. I can't seem to get on that path of letting things go...I hang on to them like a dog and a ratty old bone.

Recently my job has me re-evaluating this thought. I personally have always taken pride and ownership of the work I do. I want it to be the best it can be, I work hard to be sure it's right, to be as error free as possible, to feel proud of what I've done. My thought is I'd like to be able to look back at the end of my day and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride over what I've just spent the last 8/10/12 hours of my life doing...but lately it seems like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. That what I do doesn't really matter......and that's kind of hard. I have to let it go.

Currently my position is as assistant editor of our internal intranet. I edit other people's work and I am also responsible for some new and hopefully EXCITING content from time to time. Occasionally I am asked to write something new and other times I am asked to write a recap article on an event that has taken place.

Recently there was a one hour meeting where some key leaders shared their thoughts and opinions on the external marketplace and how it affects our business. I was charged with writing a recap article on this event keeping it to about 300 words for the leaders providing links to the documentation and back up materials and another, higher level overview, for the general masses that were not at the meeting. It was a challenge and I spent probably about 5 hours on the 300 word recap article as I had to listen to the audio playback 3 times trying to capture the key points and quotes....then another few hours expanding that for the general masses. Within a few hours the two articles came back to me COMPLETELY different from where I even started. I questioned why I was even writing them in the beginning but then after all that time and energy put into them to have them come back as these new forms was kind of.....disturbing.

It's not that I care it's not really my words...I'm not really that invested in that piece of it...it's just so disappointing to me that I seem to spend endless hours doing this work that ultimately means absolutely nothing. I don't feel like I am contributing or creating anything that really means anything. I guess I don't feel like I'm making any kind of input or adding value in any way and it's kind of frustrating to me. I mean, I should just let things go....just do what is asked of me, stop questioning, stop trying harder, stop wanting it to be something more than what it really is.

I think that's an over arching feeling/message in every part of my life right now. Both personally and professionally I feel like I'm not really adding any value to the bigger picture. I feel like a gerbil on a wheel...I just keep running and running and running and yet I'm always in the same place. It's funny how something like a recap article can stir up this deep thinking.

How do you come to terms with the life you ultimately have in front of you? How do you just keep on keeping on doing this process day after day after day when you don't find the value in it? How do you let go and learn to just keep going?

Trusting your dreams

I dream is a wish your heart makes.

If that's true, I got some problems! I have been having the weirdest dreams lately and I'm trying like heck to figure out their meaning. I don't always remember all the details but I know they have been crazy lately because I remember when I wake up immediately how weird I think they are and soon the details fade but the knowledge that they were weird or the unknown meaning behind them lingers on.

I sometimes have dreams I am on amazing adventures, place or people I will never really be with and other times, they are filled with people from my past I've even forgotten about until they suddenly re-materialize in my dreams. Weird.

Last night may have been the biggest puzzler for me. I dreamed I worked at a magazine as a writer, not such a stretch because I am kind of a writer now...., well more of a in between editor/writer/fact finder, anyway, I was a writer at this magazine and we were at a staff meeting all sitting around the table and the people were people I haven't thought about, seen or even remembered until they were sitting there in my dream. I remember being so confused thinking what in the heck they were doing there but everyone seemed to belong....we all seemed to have worked together for a long time and we were all working on the same sort of end goal. I just remember not being able to really focus or do what I needed to do. So I goggled it.....

To see people you know in your dream, signifies qualities and feelings of them that you desire for yourself. If these people are from your past, then the dream refers to your shadow and other unacknowledged aspects of yourself.

It may represent a waking situation that is bringing out similar feelings from your past relationships. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.

So....it appears there is a meaning behind it. Apparently I am in need of the traits they have in myself...I can see that. I can appreciate that. Even though they may not have been my favorite people, from a work standpoint I can accept that. Also it's telling me that what is happening now is similar or is bringing up the same feelings I had at the time I worked with those other people.

Our minds are a very interesting place. I just need to lean back and trust they will catch me.

Thinking is hard

Sometimes just slowing down and focusing on thinking BEFORE doing or reacting is way harder than the actual act. My mom always used to say "think before you speak" - never really understood the value in that as a child but as an adult, I kinda get it. As an adult, well a person old enough to BE an adult, I kinda get it.

The very act of thinking about things before they actually happen is exhausting. In your mind you can play through every single scenario before it actually happens and think about or craft together a response...even though that probably won't really be how it ends up...it's like a dress rehearsal. You can plan for everything before but when the moment actually comes, your real "at-that-moment" feelings and emotions will come into play and it won't go down as you have planned but it's kind of exhausting to keep trying it.

I read my horoscope for the year from some website I found while surfing, it said to prepare for this year because my planets are going to align like never before and I should be prepared to accept what it is I said I'm ready for.

In one way I find it highly exhilarating to think that all I've been thinking about and hoping for and wanting is finally going to be MY time to grab it and on the other hand, am I ready? According to the stars, things are going to align like never before thanks to Venus moving someplace in the system that will apparently open some astrological doors for me and that will in turn make my life, my love life and my career start moving in forward directions as never before.

I'd like to say I'm ready, but that tiny part of me that loves to say NO is trying to be heard...actually shouting at me but I keep trying to push it away. I'm ready....I'm ready for things to be propelled in a forward motion, come what may. After all, how bad can it really be?