The older we get, the more set in our own ways and habits we become. If find I am less willing to change things, habits, routines, work processes as I get older. I mean, it's worked fine this long, why spend all the energy and time on changing it...right? It's hard to let things go. I can't seem to get on that path of letting things go...I hang on to them like a dog and a ratty old bone.
Recently my job has me re-evaluating this thought. I personally have always taken pride and ownership of the work I do. I want it to be the best it can be, I work hard to be sure it's right, to be as error free as possible, to feel proud of what I've done. My thought is I'd like to be able to look back at the end of my day and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride over what I've just spent the last 8/10/12 hours of my life doing...but lately it seems like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. That what I do doesn't really matter......and that's kind of hard. I have to let it go.
Currently my position is as assistant editor of our internal intranet. I edit other people's work and I am also responsible for some new and hopefully EXCITING content from time to time. Occasionally I am asked to write something new and other times I am asked to write a recap article on an event that has taken place.
Recently there was a one hour meeting where some key leaders shared their thoughts and opinions on the external marketplace and how it affects our business. I was charged with writing a recap article on this event keeping it to about 300 words for the leaders providing links to the documentation and back up materials and another, higher level overview, for the general masses that were not at the meeting. It was a challenge and I spent probably about 5 hours on the 300 word recap article as I had to listen to the audio playback 3 times trying to capture the key points and quotes....then another few hours expanding that for the general masses. Within a few hours the two articles came back to me COMPLETELY different from where I even started. I questioned why I was even writing them in the beginning but then after all that time and energy put into them to have them come back as these new forms was kind of.....disturbing.
It's not that I care it's not really my words...I'm not really that invested in that piece of it...it's just so disappointing to me that I seem to spend endless hours doing this work that ultimately means absolutely nothing. I don't feel like I am contributing or creating anything that really means anything. I guess I don't feel like I'm making any kind of input or adding value in any way and it's kind of frustrating to me. I mean, I should just let things go....just do what is asked of me, stop questioning, stop trying harder, stop wanting it to be something more than what it really is.
I think that's an over arching feeling/message in every part of my life right now. Both personally and professionally I feel like I'm not really adding any value to the bigger picture. I feel like a gerbil on a wheel...I just keep running and running and running and yet I'm always in the same place. It's funny how something like a recap article can stir up this deep thinking.
How do you come to terms with the life you ultimately have in front of you? How do you just keep on keeping on doing this process day after day after day when you don't find the value in it? How do you let go and learn to just keep going?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Trusting your dreams
I dream is a wish your heart makes.
If that's true, I got some problems! I have been having the weirdest dreams lately and I'm trying like heck to figure out their meaning. I don't always remember all the details but I know they have been crazy lately because I remember when I wake up immediately how weird I think they are and soon the details fade but the knowledge that they were weird or the unknown meaning behind them lingers on.
I sometimes have dreams I am on amazing adventures, place or people I will never really be with and other times, they are filled with people from my past I've even forgotten about until they suddenly re-materialize in my dreams. Weird.
Last night may have been the biggest puzzler for me. I dreamed I worked at a magazine as a writer, not such a stretch because I am kind of a writer now...., well more of a in between editor/writer/fact finder, anyway, I was a writer at this magazine and we were at a staff meeting all sitting around the table and the people were people I haven't thought about, seen or even remembered until they were sitting there in my dream. I remember being so confused thinking what in the heck they were doing there but everyone seemed to belong....we all seemed to have worked together for a long time and we were all working on the same sort of end goal. I just remember not being able to really focus or do what I needed to do. So I goggled it.....
To see people you know in your dream, signifies qualities and feelings of them that you desire for yourself. If these people are from your past, then the dream refers to your shadow and other unacknowledged aspects of yourself.
It may represent a waking situation that is bringing out similar feelings from your past relationships. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.
So....it appears there is a meaning behind it. Apparently I am in need of the traits they have in myself...I can see that. I can appreciate that. Even though they may not have been my favorite people, from a work standpoint I can accept that. Also it's telling me that what is happening now is similar or is bringing up the same feelings I had at the time I worked with those other people.
Our minds are a very interesting place. I just need to lean back and trust they will catch me.
If that's true, I got some problems! I have been having the weirdest dreams lately and I'm trying like heck to figure out their meaning. I don't always remember all the details but I know they have been crazy lately because I remember when I wake up immediately how weird I think they are and soon the details fade but the knowledge that they were weird or the unknown meaning behind them lingers on.
I sometimes have dreams I am on amazing adventures, place or people I will never really be with and other times, they are filled with people from my past I've even forgotten about until they suddenly re-materialize in my dreams. Weird.
Last night may have been the biggest puzzler for me. I dreamed I worked at a magazine as a writer, not such a stretch because I am kind of a writer now...., well more of a in between editor/writer/fact finder, anyway, I was a writer at this magazine and we were at a staff meeting all sitting around the table and the people were people I haven't thought about, seen or even remembered until they were sitting there in my dream. I remember being so confused thinking what in the heck they were doing there but everyone seemed to belong....we all seemed to have worked together for a long time and we were all working on the same sort of end goal. I just remember not being able to really focus or do what I needed to do. So I goggled it.....
To see people you know in your dream, signifies qualities and feelings of them that you desire for yourself. If these people are from your past, then the dream refers to your shadow and other unacknowledged aspects of yourself.
It may represent a waking situation that is bringing out similar feelings from your past relationships. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.
So....it appears there is a meaning behind it. Apparently I am in need of the traits they have in myself...I can see that. I can appreciate that. Even though they may not have been my favorite people, from a work standpoint I can accept that. Also it's telling me that what is happening now is similar or is bringing up the same feelings I had at the time I worked with those other people.
Our minds are a very interesting place. I just need to lean back and trust they will catch me.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Thinking is hard
Sometimes just slowing down and focusing on thinking BEFORE doing or reacting is way harder than the actual act. My mom always used to say "think before you speak" - never really understood the value in that as a child but as an adult, I kinda get it. As an adult, well a person old enough to BE an adult, I kinda get it.
The very act of thinking about things before they actually happen is exhausting. In your mind you can play through every single scenario before it actually happens and think about or craft together a response...even though that probably won't really be how it ends up...it's like a dress rehearsal. You can plan for everything before but when the moment actually comes, your real "at-that-moment" feelings and emotions will come into play and it won't go down as you have planned but it's kind of exhausting to keep trying it.
I read my horoscope for the year from some website I found while surfing, it said to prepare for this year because my planets are going to align like never before and I should be prepared to accept what it is I said I'm ready for.
In one way I find it highly exhilarating to think that all I've been thinking about and hoping for and wanting is finally going to be MY time to grab it and on the other hand, am I ready? According to the stars, things are going to align like never before thanks to Venus moving someplace in the system that will apparently open some astrological doors for me and that will in turn make my life, my love life and my career start moving in forward directions as never before.
I'd like to say I'm ready, but that tiny part of me that loves to say NO is trying to be heard...actually shouting at me but I keep trying to push it away. I'm ready....I'm ready for things to be propelled in a forward motion, come what may. After all, how bad can it really be?
The very act of thinking about things before they actually happen is exhausting. In your mind you can play through every single scenario before it actually happens and think about or craft together a response...even though that probably won't really be how it ends up...it's like a dress rehearsal. You can plan for everything before but when the moment actually comes, your real "at-that-moment" feelings and emotions will come into play and it won't go down as you have planned but it's kind of exhausting to keep trying it.
I read my horoscope for the year from some website I found while surfing, it said to prepare for this year because my planets are going to align like never before and I should be prepared to accept what it is I said I'm ready for.
In one way I find it highly exhilarating to think that all I've been thinking about and hoping for and wanting is finally going to be MY time to grab it and on the other hand, am I ready? According to the stars, things are going to align like never before thanks to Venus moving someplace in the system that will apparently open some astrological doors for me and that will in turn make my life, my love life and my career start moving in forward directions as never before.
I'd like to say I'm ready, but that tiny part of me that loves to say NO is trying to be heard...actually shouting at me but I keep trying to push it away. I'm ready....I'm ready for things to be propelled in a forward motion, come what may. After all, how bad can it really be?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Turning the page
So with the new year comes the idea that life can start over new. That you can wave good-bye to the past and start fresh. It's time to turn the page of that tired old book, the entire page, not just dog-ear it, but turn it and move on.
It's so simple to say. At the beginning of the year you feel re-charged and empowered and in total control of your thoughts and feelings, but as things come at you and begin to chip away at your newly adorned coat of armour, it gets harder and harder to keep that momentum going and that positive intent intact.
I am a firm believer in two things:
It's so simple to say. At the beginning of the year you feel re-charged and empowered and in total control of your thoughts and feelings, but as things come at you and begin to chip away at your newly adorned coat of armour, it gets harder and harder to keep that momentum going and that positive intent intact.
I am a firm believer in two things:
- You get what you give - meaning if you do good, you get good. Maybe not right away, but overall. If you treat people the way you want to be treated, overall that is what you get.
- The Universe always gives you what you need even if you don't know it at the time.
These two principals guide my thoughts and actions most of the time. I'd like to say ALL the time but the reality is, sometimes I think I know better and let's face it....I don't.
I keep thinking how easy it is to manage keeping the positive thoughts flowing on a minute to minute basis. Every time I start to feel that old negativity and what I call "no-no" thoughts creeping in, I just stop, breath and try to re-focus. It's not easy and I'm not sure how long it will or can last but it's worth trying. You get what you give....so I am giving it my best attempt...I just have to keep walking the walk....and hopefully the talk will come.
It's funny, I wrote, or started to write an article for my quarterly IAAP newsletter on clearing the clutter...how to get rid of stuff and create a harmonious living space and as I was writing it, I wandered off onto clearing the clutter from not just your external space but your internal space too. Such as taking time to meditate and clear your mind of the "clutter". Not to over-book yourself or cut out the things that aren't "productive" to yourself or your life. I realized how easy it is to write that and suggest that to others but to incorporate it into your own life is much different.
Guess I should really read the pages of my own life.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Is there a forest through the trees?
Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back over this last year so many things seem really obvious to me now. Things I should have done differently, said, not said, worn, not worn...you get the idea. So many things happened and at the time I couldn't understand the reason, the purpose, the idea behind them.
It was a year of a lot of changes out of my control. No one likes that but I especially have a hard time with that. I lost a beloved family member in January and throughout the year I had a few other endings that really affected me and took some time to settle into my soul, to let me really feel them. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy. Mostly all out of my control but I had a hand in their demise to a point. You can only ever control yourself, your reaction, your feelings about things, but sometimes, unknown to even us, we do things to drive away friends, lovers, co-workers and even family. Sometimes, without even realizing the damage we do, we drive a wedge that is pretty hard to get past.
Looking back it's a little easier to see some of the wrong choices I made - would I change them if I could? Of course the answer is yes, but really, they happened for a reason, a lesson is to be learned from all of it in the end I suppose, but at this very moment, it's hard to say it's a good lesson. I think we are who we are suppose to be because of the choices we make. Some good, some bad, but overall, we become or evolve into the person we are at this very moment based on the choices we've made before. All we can do is to hope to learn from them and to make better ones going forward.
I can't focus on what I've done or didn't do. I can't live in that pool of maybe...maybe if I'd said this then this would have happened, or if I did this then this wouldn't have happened...it did. It's done - no use focusing on what was...all we have is what is...what will be, what MIGHT be. All I can do is look at the here and now and try to do the best I can as I move forward onto the 2011 path.
I had coffee with a friend and we joked that this was our year of "doing it." We declared it so at a Caribou on a cold winter's morning and I am going to do my best to focus on that mantra and make that happen. The year of "doing it" has begun.
To start us off on the right foot we are going to have a little ceremony....we discussed it in general terms and then we got an email from our Yoga studio we love , and they are doing the same thing only a little bigger so we are now adopting it and doing it to....the burning bowl ceremony, this practice helps externalize the internal.
The Burning bowl Ceremony is very simple, you take two pieces of paper one white and one purple. The White piece of paper is for writing down something or some quality that you would like to "give away", things that you want to release, in the upcoming month/year. Write down regrets, negative thoughts, bad habits, grudges, destructive relationships and any other anchors to the past, inhibiting ideas and practices which stifle you.
The Purple piece of paper is for writing down the new things you want to receive into your life or some quality that you want to manifest in the up coming month/year to replace the old things you are releasing.
The purple paper with the new things you desired in your life will be folded up, sealed, and put into a manila envelope. The envelope will be sealed and reopened later.
You will then light the white piece of paper with a candle and then place the burning paper into a pot. Once the paper is in the pot, turn way and never look back at the paper, which is definitely symbolic of letting go.
By doing this, we become aware of what we wish to "give away" and what we want to receive in our lives. Through this practice we may realize that this life is truly filled with blessings that have been awaiting our acceptance.
So I encourage you all to do the same. May this year be filled with amazing things for us all!
It was a year of a lot of changes out of my control. No one likes that but I especially have a hard time with that. I lost a beloved family member in January and throughout the year I had a few other endings that really affected me and took some time to settle into my soul, to let me really feel them. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy. Mostly all out of my control but I had a hand in their demise to a point. You can only ever control yourself, your reaction, your feelings about things, but sometimes, unknown to even us, we do things to drive away friends, lovers, co-workers and even family. Sometimes, without even realizing the damage we do, we drive a wedge that is pretty hard to get past.
Looking back it's a little easier to see some of the wrong choices I made - would I change them if I could? Of course the answer is yes, but really, they happened for a reason, a lesson is to be learned from all of it in the end I suppose, but at this very moment, it's hard to say it's a good lesson. I think we are who we are suppose to be because of the choices we make. Some good, some bad, but overall, we become or evolve into the person we are at this very moment based on the choices we've made before. All we can do is to hope to learn from them and to make better ones going forward.
I can't focus on what I've done or didn't do. I can't live in that pool of maybe...maybe if I'd said this then this would have happened, or if I did this then this wouldn't have happened...it did. It's done - no use focusing on what was...all we have is what is...what will be, what MIGHT be. All I can do is look at the here and now and try to do the best I can as I move forward onto the 2011 path.
I had coffee with a friend and we joked that this was our year of "doing it." We declared it so at a Caribou on a cold winter's morning and I am going to do my best to focus on that mantra and make that happen. The year of "doing it" has begun.
To start us off on the right foot we are going to have a little ceremony....we discussed it in general terms and then we got an email from our Yoga studio we love , and they are doing the same thing only a little bigger so we are now adopting it and doing it to....the burning bowl ceremony, this practice helps externalize the internal.
The Burning bowl Ceremony is very simple, you take two pieces of paper one white and one purple. The White piece of paper is for writing down something or some quality that you would like to "give away", things that you want to release, in the upcoming month/year. Write down regrets, negative thoughts, bad habits, grudges, destructive relationships and any other anchors to the past, inhibiting ideas and practices which stifle you.
The Purple piece of paper is for writing down the new things you want to receive into your life or some quality that you want to manifest in the up coming month/year to replace the old things you are releasing.
The purple paper with the new things you desired in your life will be folded up, sealed, and put into a manila envelope. The envelope will be sealed and reopened later.
You will then light the white piece of paper with a candle and then place the burning paper into a pot. Once the paper is in the pot, turn way and never look back at the paper, which is definitely symbolic of letting go.
By doing this, we become aware of what we wish to "give away" and what we want to receive in our lives. Through this practice we may realize that this life is truly filled with blessings that have been awaiting our acceptance.
So I encourage you all to do the same. May this year be filled with amazing things for us all!
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