Brick Walls

The brick walls are not there to keep us out; they are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Having spent 4 weeks housebound gave me the opportunity (not really a choice) to spend sometime IN my head and thus begin to clear some of the cobwebs both externally and eventually internally.

I started with my car. I cleared the clutter, all the stuff that was just there to make my time in the car sort of feel like my home....because I do spend so much time IN my car going places I thought that was important....it felt like it was. Looking at it again, I don't know that honestly I could say that was the truth, but what matters now is that it was time to clear the clutter. I spent about 4 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon cleaning my car like I don't think I ever have. I washed the windows, the doors. I purchased a steering wheel cover, bought new floor mats and even cleaned the seats...trying to erase the 4 year old coffee stains on the passenger car seat. Mostly it looks nice and clean and dare I say.....respectful. Gone are all the homies I had on almost any flat surface, all the doo dads on the ceiling and hanging from the rear view mirror. There is one button left that has my personality and flair but mostly, it's a car anyone would sit in and own. It's like a giant reset button was applied to Fernando (that's his name).My 2003 Ford Focus with 108,000 miles on it has a new lease on life......for now.

Next came the biggest, harder part....my space. I sat staring at those walls of stuff for weeks on end....and came to the conclusion that mostly it was just that...stuff. Stuff cluttering my my space and my vision and ultimately me. So I started a very intense tossing of my stuff. I got a grocery cart from the garage and ruthlessly went through my space. I was actually amazed as I starting picking up things that I couldn't remember the reason why I had them in the first place. What was their purpose? What was the meaning of it all? Upon further thinking and analyzing my process, I decided I tried to create a life for everyone else. I've built my space and my environment so others would like it....I thought if I build it....they will come...

Well I did build it....I built it well and you know what....no one came. Not to say people didn't come over to my house now and then, but really....no one came...no one came and decided it was so amazing that they had to stay....that they had to be a part of it all. Frankly, it probably scared off more than it attracted. One person recently said to me "Your house is like coming into a really cute shop. There's just so much to look at." I know what she was saying, I thought that too but I always thought it's what I wanted....what I needed to be happy and content in my life...but it wasn't....it isn't. It was just another way of cluttering my my exterior to distract I'm guessing from the interior. Ahh, it's so complicated yet so very clear.

When asked "who are you?" we usually give an account of our external circumstances, our name, likes or dislikes, nationality, age, interests, yet it is almost impossible for us to touch on our inner core, what makes us be who we truly are. I recently re-watched the movie Citizen Kane and it really got me thinking....thinking about who we are, what we have and what we choose to fill our lives up with. The movies is a search for Kane's true self that gets pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle through years of memories and stories told by Kane's friends, enemies and lovers and it all revolves around his one dying word: "Rosebud". It's funny, in these times we expect "Rosebud" to mean something huge, or to unearth some deep dying amazing secret and then to feel a little underwhelmed or even cheated when "Rosebud" is finally revealed at the end. The whole point of the film is that it is not a surprise "twist" ending nor does it really reveal anything new or surprising about Kane himself, it is just simply a moment in time, a memory of his that meant something deeply personal and entrusting to who is was and ultimately what he didn't have. That is what life is about, what a person searches for, a series of moments where choices are made and our character is formed, where eternity and time touch and we either become or refuse to be who we truly are. The mystery of a person revolves around his or her capacity for love, both for receiving it but more importantly for giving it. The ending line in the movie said by the main characters best friend sums it up:

That's all he ever wanted out of life... was love. That's the tragedy of Charles Foster Kane. You see, he just didn't have any to give.

Makes me wonder...makes me think....with all this stuff cluttering up my space, what do I have to give? What do I have to get? Learning to let the walls crumble and fall is the first step to having the life we want now instead of waiting for someone else to complete it.