Furious happiness

I love things that make me laugh. I think life is better when your laughing, having fun and just overall enjoying life. I've never considered being "furiously happy". It's never crossed my mind or my thought process until I read this blog by this very funny woman....which tells the story of buying a giant metal chicken...it's the funniest thing I've ever read and frankly I so see my self and my bff doing that exact thing. But there was a link to a friends blog in there where she talked about a strapless red dress and learning to be furiously happy....here's an excerpt from her blog - http://thequeso.com/

"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies. I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be. And the more I thought about it
the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”. Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better. Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it. So she bought the dress. And then she wore it. And then she began sending the dress around to different people who needed it for whatever reason."

It's like she crawled in my head and plucked this story from my brain. Like I've been holding it, waiting for some catalyst of a moment to make it come to life. It's somewhat comforting to realize that after all, we aren't really alone. That even though we feel it, there are others who feel and experience all the same things we do. It should give me comfort to know that...but for some reason it makes me feel like....I should be doing more. Saying more. Just more.

I have these thoughts in my head swirling around and I don't act them...I think about them a lot but they don't seem to come to life like others do. I think I might have to focus on listening to my innerself a lot more.

Changing focus

Why is it so easy to find the faults in our self and in others? Why is it so easy to believe the negative things about who we are and what we do? Whose bright idea was that to give us the ability to remember verbatim the mean, unsupported, untrue (mostly) things people say about us and then own them like a second skin? What part of our brains have taken over the common sense part?

It's that time of year where you have to sit with your boss and do your review. You sit and talk and set your goals, plans, and objectives for the year. It's mostly just words on paper but sometimes I surprise myself and actually do accomplish things I've put on there. Sometimes I actually WANT to. It's also the time to get your 360 peer reviews back.

Now myself, I'm rarely surprised by these. I work with a great group of people that help when I need it, push back when necessary and tell me to sit down and shut the hell up once in a while. I'm not surprised by their comments. I know my faults. I know my downfalls, I accept them and mostly I own them.

I'm bossy, I'm stubborn, I'm confused if I don't get the whole picture. I'm a question queen. My dad used to get so angry at me...stop asking so many questions he would always bellow at me. I tend to be a little black and white or yes/no which I know I need to work on. On the positive side however, I am also a team player, I will run when necessary, sit back and watch when it's important and give 110% to everything I do. I need to know that what I do makes a difference or I don't want to do it. If you tell me to be "corporate" Dawn, I am just that. I dress the part, walk the walk and talk the talk. Inside I may be rebelling or screaming obscenities but externally, I'm playing the part. I think I know pretty well when to pull that person out...I think I've done a good job of that and mostly people tend to agree. We of course all have an off day.

Most people question me when I'm at an event where I'm "representing" my division and I'm in that role, they ask if I'm OK...why and I so "quiet". I smile and appreciate their noticing this but I stay in my role. So, overall, I feel like I've got this corporate gig down pretty good. Even my boss has commented on it....so that tells me I'm on the right track. But what I can't understand is when someone who barely knows me or works with me or has pretty much anything to do with me makes a comment that is supposed to reflect my work presence.

Case in point....the purpose of a 360 review is to get feedback from those people you work with and will continue to work with. What do I do well? What can I improve on? What other comments to you have? Pretty generic and honestly, one shouldn't really be surprised by any of these..but I was...under the what other comments do you have someone wrote "I haven't worked with Dawn enough to provide valuable input" OK...first off.....if you haven't worked with me enough why are you getting a 360 review and second if you don't have any valuable input then stop there......why go on...I mean you yourself said it wouldn't be valuable...but no...they went on....they then stated "For the few/brief times I do work with her, I'm not impressed with her professionalism". This made me pause and question WTF they are talking about?!

I mean how do you say a statement like that and not follow it up with for example she burps out loud or she picks her nose or she drinks like a man! I mean really...what does that mean? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Why, of all the things said, is that the only one I can focus on and give any attention to? Have we become so jaded in our lives and thinking that the only comments we can validate are the negative ones? Do we have the need so badly to be liked by everyone that when we aren't it sets us on a path of self-hatred and worry. What is wrong with us that we can't look at that statement, think huh...I wonder what that means and then just blow past it. No...all I can do is look at every person I pass in the hall, the elevator, the cafeteria and wonder....did you say that? If so what does it mean? Am I being unprofessional now? It's making me a little crazier than I already am. Why do we allow those any power?

I guess when I say WE I really mean ME. I don't suppose most people will give it much validation, most will be able to brush it off and move on. I mean my own boss didn't even mention it - why do I give it any validation?

Then, because it's the time of year for reviews, I had my review at my part-time gig too, again all good, all positive and overall the rating was really good except for one little comment that really wasn't my fault but I brought it up so it got written into my review that I actually did this wrong....but I didn't....and arguing about it won't change anything because it honestly doesn't matter one bit but because it's written down, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it because it's on paper and therefore now part of my file, my documentation, the only thing that will remain about me when I'm gone? Is that why I have to burn my journals when they are full? I don't want anything negative hanging around. I guess that's why everyone becomes a saint when they die....all the bad, mean, selfish things they've done just get ignored. Suddenly they have sunshine and flowers as their only reminders.

I guess I just have to accept that is what someone else thinks of me and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is. The best we can do is just make each day better than the last. All I can do is try to be the best me and if that no name can't appreciate that, its out of my control.

It's hard being an adult.

Listening to the quiet

It's in the calm quietness you will find the answers you seek. Makes me sound quite zen-like and balanced doesn't it? Well I'm not either. I'm just trying to find intention with myself.

I hate making New Year’s resolutions. It feels like a constant set-up for disappointment and failure. I know the basic rules of life: be nice to others, treat others as you wish to be treated – all the stuff you learned in kindergarten about playing nice in the sand box. I realize that as we get older we start to make our own choices as to who we are, who we think we want to be and we start walking in that direction. It’s a path of constant improvement and change.

I’m talking about the resolutions like losing weight, or finances or whatever lofty goal we try to set that often doesn’t make it past the first month. Those types of resolutions seem daunting and quite honestly, why do you have to wait for the first of the year to change that? Why not decide that in say March or August and just do it? What is so magical about the first of the year that makes us believe everything is possible?

Possibly we are still riding the high of the holiday’s…a constant sugar buzz and as we wean ourselves off the sugar, we start to come back to reality….the reality is we are responsible for our own results. Therefore, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. Instead I resolve to do a few things FOR myself that will ultimately be beneficial to those around me.

I resolve to be more patient. Not one of my strongest attributes. I grew up with the mentality that if you don’t do it, don't have it or don't say it RIGHT NOW, you won’t. End of story…a maybe is never a positive outcome. So, I have to learn to trust that maybe is sometimes what the answer has to be. I have to call on my inner strength to muster up the will power to accept maybe as an answer and be OK with it.

I resolve to spend more time with my family and friends that I have this year. I’ve spent a lot of time this year on my IAAP stuff and I’ve been working three jobs – all in all it’s good for me, but kind of leaves me isolated from my own life at the same time. So I will make some changes in other parts of my life that will help me do more of this. It’s not what we do, just that we are together, enjoying time and the connection that we obviously share. I keep looking to the future for the someday thing and I’m missing the here and now things.

I resolve to not say anything if I can’t add value. If my thoughts and my opinions aren’t going to help or add value, what’s the point of putting them out there? Meaning that I want to me more intentional in my thoughts and deeds and not just be saying and doing things hust for the sake of it. I want there to be meaning and purpose behind them and I want to add value, purpose and meaning to myself and my life.

I want to accept what is and not want more. This one is my biggest challenge. I get that we should strive for more, for better, for exception in everything we do and touch, but without a clear and purposeful meaning it’s like spinning wheels in mud…you can keep on moving teeny tiny nuggets but you won’t actually get anywhere. Accepting who I am and where I am in my own life is the place to start. This one kind of scares me because it’s really the overarching part of my very being, if I can’t do this, how can I expect to move on to anything new?

So, there it is, a new year, a new plan and new possibilities. Who knows what this year will bring.

It’s okay to look back, but it’s best not to stare.