Somebody that I used to know

Years ago I was inseparable from a friend. We lived together, we worked together, we socialized together...we were the dynamic duo...well, we were a duo. We mostly had a really good time. We became the people that hosted events, that created outings - we were the "it" set of friends that were kind of the core to a larger group. Then things changed.

For one reason or another we all decided it was time to spread our wings in all different directions and suddenly, this group was no more. At first we tried hard to keep it going, we emailed, we called, we set up outings but as time kept pulling us forward, all in different directions, it got harder and harder to stay a cohesive group. So we all sort of formed new groups, separate from the original pod that we were. We somehow, over time, have become someone I used to know...including myself. I no longer even feel like I know who I am.

It's funny really, when you think about it. Our lives were so connected. Our inner workings were so attached to each other that we knew things about each other that most people probably don't but we did. We shared out joys, our pains, our laughter.....our mocking of each other for our dumb mistakes. We had Wednesday Martini nights that left us quite hung over and in a haze just long enough for us to recover and come together again on Friday or Saturday night and again laugh and play until we had go home for some rest. I miss that connection with people. I miss the idea that I, nor anyone one really, was ever really alone. We always had some connection. If it wasn't a week day movie night or dinner appointment it was constant email chatter. I know life changes....people change....but for some reason today that moment in my life popped into my head and made me a little melancholy for the old days. I loved that time, I cherish that time, heck that even formed some of who I am today....but it's behind me....it's just something that i used to know.

Somehow the choices we make change our friendships and all the relationships in our lives. We choose to buy a new car and have expensive things so in trade we work 2/3 jobs to afford it. What do we lose in the end? Friends, time, family....connections. We choose a partner who wants something different than we do...we choose to embrace that and go with them....and we lose again. Why does it seem that we make choices only to end up losing things in the end?

A few years back I had my "year of no rules". Not gonna lie, it was good. It was damn good. I did things I never would have imagined myself doing, I went places, I saw things - I had fun....but fun always has to end. Reality came crashing in when I convinced myself I could live in that world. No one, especially no one of my age, can live a lifestyle like that. It's just not possible...so I lost. I lost out and had to choose another path, another option, another way to spend my energy and time. So I embraced it...I charged ahead vowing to make it new and different that before, tired of the same old ways. I certainly couldn't go back to the life I had before and I surly could not continue on the decadent path I had been pursuing...so I settled into a life. I got into a rhythm and I coasted...I coasted along for almost 2 years trying to convince myself I was going somewhere.

The elusive "somewhere". I wish it were pin pointed on a map so I could at least see how far off I was. What are the coordinates of "somewhere" anyway. Somewhere can't possibly be HERE. This can't be the place I end up....not that it's so terrible, but it's just not enough. It's just not a place I imagined myself.....like in a song. I imagine my life to be like the Katy Perry song Fireworks....Come on let your colors burn....I imagine my life to be like that....a firework, big and bright and amazing and shiny. Wonder how that job description would read?

I recently spent some time with my 9 year-old nephew who normally is bouncing off the walls with energy but he was this kind of quiet, introspective little man. We went to the sculptor gardens and he spend a lot of time looking at each statue, investigating them, really looking at them and he would tell me a few times "Auntie, slow down, look at this...no really look at this." It surprised me.....not just because he is a 9 year-old boy, but that he was reminding me to stop and look and to really look...not just see but to really SEE what we were looking at. I imagine if any of the artists could have overheard him they would have been over joyed at a young man really appreciating their work.

So, how did I become somebody that I used to know and how do I get it back? How do I remind myself to slow down and see what is right in front of me instead of fighting so hard for the maybe or the possible...how do you stop and settle for the what is? Maybe my nephew has that answer to?