There is a difference...isn't there?

I grew up in the 60's.  In those days we weren't taught the value of being true to ourselves, we weren't taught to dance to our own beat....we were taught to do what we are told, follow the same path our parents did, our grandparents and for God's sake...don't stand out!  So....where did I go wrong?

We grew up in an irish catholic (sort of - when it was convenient) household.  That meant we went to church on Sundays, not my dad of course, he worked soooo hard all week, he didn't have to go.  We had big family dinners with our extended family often and we learned the value of money early on. Because there were so many of us, we were not a family of lots of extras.  I had my first paying job at age 11 and I think I've pretty much worked since then.  I don't really ever remember a time I wasn't working. I've always wanted more...better clothes, prettier hair, toys, anything more.  It's always been a fight....I'm exhausted.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give up, let go or move on...and really...what is the difference?

Giving up to me feels like quitting, like you're throwing in the towel and just not going to do it anymore.  Kind of like a bad relationship, you give up, you stop fighting against what is real and stop pretending things are fine the way they are and you walk away, you turn the page, you give it up.  It doesn't have to be a negative thing, it just is.  I've given up on friendships, jobs, and even myself.  It's not always bad, it just means you have to stop fighting against what is. 

Letting go seems to be a more zen based option.  You surrender and trust in things. You move forward with delibert actions. You are able to know what is the truth and with your inner knowings you recognize that doenst need to continue and you turn the page and move on...letting the past be in the past and you move forward with hope and contentment towards the future.

Moving on would appear to be the final step in either situation above.  It's like the next step once you decide your course of action. It's a choice, it's like you are choosing to take a jump and not actually falling.  You can look past what is, what was and where you are and move forward, get on with it.  Shake off the past and see where the fork in the road goes.

So...what is the difference?  Is there really one?  Actually, all those steps are getting past the stuff that isn't working.  The relationship, the life, the job, the friends....everything that isn't bring you happiness and fullfillment in your current state....so I guess no matter what you want to call it, the first step is actually going to be the action. 

Change without action is pointless.

Like a Phoenix rising from the ash...

As the story goes...a phoenix is a mythical bird from Greek mythology that lives up to 100 years. Near the end of it's life, it settles into a nest and then burns furiously until it is nothing but ash and dust. From that, a fledgling new phoenix arises renewed and reborn.

So from stress and strife comes a new life.  “Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
~Fritz Williams

Although no one has died, I do feel reborn...sort of.  Water always does that for me...as does some time away from my own life.  Even though this trip I had planned, saved for and worked lots of extra hours for was tiring, it was very rejuvenating for my soul.

I would have liked to have spent more actual DOWN time but there was so much to see and do it didn't feel right to do that...so I pressed on.  I don't regret one minute of it.  What I do regret is not taking the time to really talk and get on better ground with my friend who shared this adventure with me. Life always gets in our way back home here and I was thinking we would have some really free time to talk and get better connected. We were together 24/7 and we got along fine, at least as far as I know, but there was always this sort of unspoken thing going on between us that we just kept filling with activities until we were too tired to even think...then off to sleep, aka, to regenerate ourselves and then off to do it again.  It was probably the best vacation of my life and yet I came back to my own life of chaos, clutter and emptiness only to try to pick up the pieces I so easily left behind when I closed and locked the door.

It's funny, the older I get, the less I care about the things I used to. I spend way more energy and sleepless nights on the relationships in my life then I ever did when I was younger.  When I was younger, I was like...meh, oh well, it will be better tomorrow and now I worry....what if I don't get tomorrow?  I have to deal with it now.  I feel much more anxious about the things unsettled or unfinished in my life that ever before.  I suppose that comes with the fact that we all have to face our mortality.  I mean we are all only here for a limited time...no matter how much we fight it.

I am filled with constant regret over things I didn't get done in a day, or people I didn't reach out to, or things I can't get resolved. Over lost relationships, struggling to fit into places and people's lives that I don't really...it all gets so exhausting.

This is the story of my life – especially the part about burning ferociously. Life presents me with challenging circumstances that always sort of push me to my limits. I have to fight to keep my sanity and to look at things with fresh eyes so as to not bring the old in with the new. That's hard. I know I am not alone in this, it happens to all of us at some point, it’s a part of the human journey.

I spend much of my time being busy, trying to make things happen and often, I seem to overlook what is actually happening. I guess it's time to formulate a new plan. I am tired of being frustrated and impatient. Things happen in their own time - and yet I have very little control over what happens. 

When darkness descends, joy is blotted out, buried, seemingly non-existent.

The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness.  These last month have me feeling like I've been through the fire  and not it's time to focus on what I can do to rise from the ashes:

• Let things happen.
• Give up trying to control.
• Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
• Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
• Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
• Take good care of yourself.
• Get perspective.

It's a new season and thus a time for rebirth and growth.  It's time to fly.

Saved up wishes

I recently came across some old photographs of my grandparents. They were young, like mid 30’s and they looked happy and carefree and it made me smile.  They had their whole lives in front of them and it didn’t appear they had all the worry lines that life provides added to them yet. They didn’t appear to be worried about their health as they sat happy as can be, both with a cigarette perched on their fingers and a cocktail in front of them.  They looked glamorous and completely content with their choices. Isn’t it funny how fast things change.

It got me thinking. Thinking about what they were thinking about. Did they have a plan for their future? Did they know sitting there on that blanket in some park that in 15/20 short years my grandfather’s health would deteriorate to a point that they would move from the cold home of Chicago to a warmer retirement climate in Florida?

That in an even shorter time the cancer would invade his body and slowly his seep into his brain until he had nothing left of who he ever was or thought he would be. Or the fact that my grandmother would be left alone in a city where she would live until I went down one November and packed up her life in a weekend to bring her back here, with her family, to die.

What did they wish for in those early days?  And did they ever achieve them?

I’ve been missing them a lot these days….maybe because of the holidays, they loved Christmas. My grandfather’s nick name was Frosty. My grandmother decorated a tree like no one ever does. Tinsel covered ever inch and I’m sure could be seen from space, it was glorious. I’ve been thinking about them and the life they lived. They saw some really tough times. They lived through a war, their only son, my uncle being in Vietnam. My mother marring a man they despised. Alcoholism, depression, death of family and friends…they saw it all and yet, they remained together and true to each other their entire life. There was no divorce, no walking away when things got hard but they took care of each other, they loved each other. With love anything is possible. Maybe it’s because they were two people who no matter what, loved me unconditionally. They never cared how much money I made, what I wore, if I was dating anyone…..they loved me….me for me. I miss that. 

I remember one time I asked my grandfather what his new year’s resolutions were. He laughed out loud. He had this amazing, raspy smoked one too many camel’s kind of laugh that always made me happy. He said I don’t waste my time making resolutions….I make lists of things and I try to get to them, if I don’t then I don’t….why set yourself up for failure. I sure do miss him.

“When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out.”

It’s like something has gotten lost along the way. Where are the saved up wishes?

Never changing who I am

Happy 2013. It's been a while since I blogged...one goal is to get back to it more regularly.

Another new year is upon us and as I was driving into work this morning I was reflecting on where my life is at right now.  I am healthy, moderately so, still fighting this cold but overall healthy, I am employed, actually with two jobs, I have a nice home, reliable transportation, amazing friends and a supportive family. One could say I have a pretty good life. I am content….I don’t know that I would go as far as to say happy, but I am content.  I think that’s ok…it gives me something to work towards.

I am going to be 50 this year…and while that number when said out loud kind of makes my skin crawl….I don’t mind it. I feel I have enough years, experience and crap behind me to own that age without apology. 2012 was a year of some major changes for me….some good…but all a necessary part of life.

I’ve come to embrace and understand that no matter how much you want something and how hard you work towards it you don’t always get what you want so you have to learn to settle for what you have. It’s a hard lesson to this day I’m still struggling to accept and be OK with but – it is what it is and I can’t spend any more energy and time focused on it. My life is what it is and I have to just be content with it.

What I have decided to stop doing is apologizing for who I am. I am pretty darn OK just as I am. I’ve decided to quit trying to change to fit other peoples molds of who they THINK I should be or how I should act or who I should hang out with. Quit trying to keep negative, mean, unhappy people in my life. I am who I am and I won’t apologize for it. If you don’t want to have me in your life – ok…that’s fine, it’s kind of sad for you because I am a pretty good person to have around….for real. I’m certainly not perfect, I’ve  made mistakes, I’m pretty sure I will continue to, but I am a good and true friend…for those who can’t see that…again…it makes me sad for you.

I was thinking about how I used to make my thoughts, opinions, plans all revolve around someone else. Their wants, needs – I let them have control of things.  I played my part; I thought that’s what I was supposed to do but no more. It’s taken me a little time to see it’s good those people are not in my everyday life. I don’t hate them or wish anything for them but happiness but I’m just glad I am choosing not to be a part of that life anymore. I have let a lot of things go over the years for myself…but now I see that really isn’t true to me. I am working hard to hear my own voice….to surround myself with people who are good and true and add things to my life vs. sucking things away. It’s time I made better choices both emotionally and physically….so good bye to the old…..and hello to whatever this year may bring.

I am living my life for me….if people don’t like it then you know what….don’t be my friend. Don’t be a part of my life but don’t be mean or try to make me change because I am never going to change who I am.

Don't let others define you. Don't let the past confine you. Take charge of your life with confidence and determination and there are no limits on what you can do or be.

~Michael Josephson

 

Do squirrels have a death wish?

I usually take the lake route to work. I drive past Lake of the Isles and weave my way into downtown down 28th street to Park and into work….I’ve noticed lately that there seem to be a lot more squirrels taking their lives into their hands. It’s almost like they enjoy playing dodge cars but the risks are much higher.

I am often slamming on my breaks to avoid the darting squirrel….I wonder what they are thinking. It’s like dodge ball trying to get around the lakes without hitting them. Do they sit on the side of the road and wait until the last possible moment to try to cross the street? And why do they dash out, sort of pause, turn and then turn again like they can’t make up their little squirrel minds about which way to go? What is up with that? I worry I may be turning into a squirrel.

Life comes at us fast and furious. I feel like I’m always running around, going from here to there to here all while trying to maintain my sanity and it’s getting harder and harder. The change of seasons presents its own stresses. I have what I believe are seasonal allergies and also many of my co-workers are working through their end of summer colds/allergies as well. The endless sneeze fests and those coughing up their lungs around me add extra stress and pressure to my day. I am pumping myself full of Vitamin C and Purelling every time I leave a meeting just to stay ahead of all that is flying around me. It’s exhausting!

It’s also the time of year I love best, cool sunny days that scream apple picking or drives around to look at the leaves changing….which is hard to make the time to do….but my soul is crying out for it…so I will try to squeeze it in…this is why I feel like an out of control squirrel.

Go here, do this, be there, be nice, spend time with friends, see your family, clean my house, make dinner, wash my car, do my shopping, hang my wine rack…so much to do and thus I spin in circles…I really need to get some people….for real this time.

I was curious about the symbolic meaning of feeling like a squirrel…so I googled it….and of course found all I needed to know and more. One places suggests that a squirrel is a message to us to remind us to have more fun and to take life a little less seriously. Ok…I can buy that. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and worn out by life so I can definitely get on board with the have more fun piece. It goes on to talk about how a squirrel is known to save and hide its food to survive the winter months and it may be a sign to us to take a deeper look into our own lives and be sure we have the “provisions” we need to survive. Ahhh…this squirrel metaphor is turning out to be deeper than I had even imagined when I began dodging them on my drive.

So…what do I need to consider for myself? This is a deeper question and one that will require some thought. One message goes on to talk about how a squirrel only actually finds a very small percentage of their nuts and keeps them safe for later use. That the message here is one of balance…we reap what we sow. It’s telling us to be mindful in our moment and to be the seeds we plant in our own life. Ahh, these social creatures who are much more clever and meaningful that I ever imagined. Who knew that they were such social creatures, often traveling in a pair or packs, which means they are much like myself. The squirrel reminds us to communicate with others but to honor those around us at the same time…so this little gather is really just preparing for the future and reminding us to get our ducks in a row to be prepared for what it to come.

So after having some time to ponder and work through this, I think it’s not actually so bad if I feel/act like a squirrel…it means I am simply getting prepared for the future.

Nuts for my friends!

Beautiful from the inside out

I haven’t been to a wake in a long time where the body was laid out. I always find that such a disconcerting event. It’s always sort of made me wonder why we take a loved one and dress them up to the nines and lay them out for everyone to see one last time. It’s often the best that person has looked in YEARS. I mean their hair is perfect, their makeup flawless and there is none of the everyday life stuff adding lines of stress to their faces….it’s a beauty that comes from the inside. Total and complete peace. I wonder if that's the reason it freaks me out so much, that complete and total look of peace and contentment? Have I become to cynical about life? Have we all?

I realize this display is usually for the family and friends of the person, the last time they get to be/see their loved one but it’s always sort of freaked me out a bit. I almost always expect them to sit up and say something or to yell at someone for something going on. Today is my dad’s birthday, he would have been 73. He had a hard life, mostly self-imposed, but still, it was a hard life. He wasn't happy. I don't think he was ever happy. He always wanted more, needed more but from what I could tell, always looked for the easy way to get that...which often meant more stress and work in the end.

It wore on him - and it showed. Towards the end of his life, he always wore a pained expression. He always looked as if just being alive was exhausting him to no end. He was in constant pain and I would offer a constant state of confusion because of the multiple medications he was on. He always looked like he was somewhere else - or desperately wanted to be somewhere else. When he died, it was my family who wanted to say one last good bye to him so we laid him out for all to say good bye.

What struck me at that time was the absolute and complete look of peace that he had. No longer were life’s everyday issues/concerns/pressures weighing him down. No longer were all the failures weighing him down, it was a complete and total release of all the baggage and stuff life adds…..gone…in the absence of a single breath….gone.

Recently I attend my friends mothers wake…same thing, her mother was laid out and absolutely beautiful. She was so peaceful looking. None of the last, hard days wearing her soul out showed. She was peacefully laying there for all to say good bye to one last time. Death really is beautiful. The weight of the world gone and nothing drags them down anymore. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to capture that while we are still here.

I wonder if people have the ability to do that? People like the Dalia Lama or Mother Theresa? I mean the really amazing and good people….but their life isn’t without stress and strife. They give up a lot to live the life they’ve chosen. They give up comforts and possessions and lots of things to be able to give back to the greater good but I wonder, as an every day “Joe”, can we do that? Can we live a life of carefree, stresslessness and ultimately happiness? I’d like to think so but it stresses me even more to think that at my advanced age I still don’t have that peace and contentment I thought I’d have.

What will it take? What does a soul need? Is it ever too late?

Clouds in my coffee

The clouds were amazing today. My drive into the office takes me around the lakes, it’s a relaxing way to start my day. The sunrise reflecting off the water, the ducks happily swimming lazily through the cool morning water and the challenge of avoiding the joggers and bicyclists as I make the trek in is both soothing and a way to help me get focused and centered on my day.

The storm last night that came through must have been a little more intense than I thought. I heard the rain hitting my windows but now that I’m half way in the ground (not death-wise, I have a street level apartment now) I was nestled all snug in my cave and didn’t really think much of the story, but my drive around the lakes proved me wrong. There appeared to be some strong winds that came through as the lake path was littered with downed tree branches and chunks of branches and leaves. As I dogged them, the joggers and bike riders, I realized the weather was a little more severe than I thought. Got me thinking….life is like that. When we stay all closed off in our own little bubble we don’t know what’s really going on outside of us until something forces us to see it.

The clouds this morning were interesting too….sort of 2-D. The sky was filled with these amazing white fluffy beautiful clouds scattered blissfully across the sky and seemingly not at all moving – still as night. There was this layer of darker, very fast moving clouds over them, almost racing across the morning sky whisking away all the beauty and sunlight hidden behind. It was rather distracting to see….I sat through one whole light this morning as I stared at the sky trying to figure out if they were rain clouds or just the remnants of last night’s storm moving on…finding another place to settle into.

Much like those moments in our life, the lies the unhappiness….come in and covers the goodness and light and with once you acknowledge it, it’s like they become the fast moving dark clouds, rushing past us trying to find a new place to land.

I often think of the correlation between the weather and our own lives. I mean it can be full of rainbows and butterflies and in just the blink of an eye a storm can roll in bringing destruction and chaos before you even have a chance to take cover. Life is always changing, no matter how many times you think you have it figured out, some cloud burst or ray of sunshine forces it’s way in causing us to rethink, redefine and change course.

Guess we need a really, really big umbrella.