Repacking your bags

I had the day off Friday and for the first time in a long time I didn't fill it with endless things to do. I had a late night Thursday night so I got up when I felt like it on Friday, lounged around then headed out to do a few errands.....alone.

I stopped at the half price book store kind of unintentionally. I was at a stop light that never seemed to change so I cut through the parking lot and as I was driving past the store I thought Hmm, I think I'll stop in...so I did...and I wandered for about an hour. As I browsed the store I found a book in the self help section, I am kind of a self help addict, and I randomly opened it to a chapter entitled Unpack your baggage.

It talked about how we all need people in our lives that we can unpack our baggage with, people we can just be ourselves with....no pretense, to walls just us. Basically it was saying we need to have people we can talk to about anything and everything in our lives and then when we are done, we pack up that suitcase, shut her up tight and go home. Basically that was the jist.

This made me think about the people in my life that I am able to "unpack" with. It's changed a lot for me recently. It's my own doings. I've had some life changes that have caused some people some distress and have caused them to pull away from me and me them I'm sure. Changes happen and roads get diverted and sometimes we have to stumble and wander down a path before we get our bearings again. That's where I am at.

Sometimes you find that person to unpack your stuff with but they change their path and since it's their journey all you can do is repack and start again. It's exhausting some days to pack and repack but that's part of the circle of life. All you can do is keep some space open and hope once they get far enough down their path and realize you aren't with them they will extend their hand out to you or come back for you....it sucks to be left behind with a full suitcase.

Although it's also an opportunity to start a new path, a new trail, a new trek. I guess the Universe is always providing new opportunities to grow, learn and move. Look what it said today:

Whatever it is you want, think about it. Think and think and think. And as surely as day follows night, that which you have thought about will be drawn into your life, be it answers, friendships, health, love or abundance.
It's the law.
The Universe

It all comes down to this....what you want is completely different from what you expect.

Being who we are

It's always a surprise to me when I question who I am. I mean I've worked a long, long time on creating the person I am, the person I continue to evolve into. It surprises me when I look at old pictures and remember who I was then, who I thought I was and where I thought I was headed. Seems like we get into a rhythm and life moves on and cruises ahead and something happens to make us pause and take stock again. I guess we have to always stop and take stock of who we are and where we are headed or we'd be bored...right?


It's funny, I think about it sometimes and I'm rather amazed at myself. I push myself to do things and go places and live so far outside my own bubble that I am impressed and then there are other days I feel like I could implode because I am so done with who I am and where I am at. I can't figure out the balance quite yet. It feels like a oddly balanced see saw. I suppose life is like that....sort of like a Forest Gump saying....life is like a see saw...sometimes your up, sometimes your down and sometimes you get to hang right in the middle...the "sweet spot".


At work there is a process we have to go through every year in terms of our goals/development. It's always been a point of contention for me because honestly......nothing changes. I've been here 23 years now....23 years and every year I fill out the form saying here is where I'd like to be - here is my "sweet spot" and 23 years later I'm really no place different. I've graduated school now and I'm stuck...stuck in a desk in the middle of constant chaos that no one seems to think is an issue except me. I'm kind of exhausted. Well more than kind of.


Exhausted by writing out what I deem my "sweet spot" to be and yet never being any closer to it. It's absolutely exhausting to come in and be invisible all day long, all week long and then have to write down on paper pretending like something will change, something that never happens. I realize corporations have processes and procedures but come on...stop asking me what I want to do or where I want to be year after year after year only to have me be right here. Okay, so I guess I'm a little frustrated with work right now.


I was talking with a friend yesterday remarking on how fast life changes, how fast our feelings, our thoughts, everything changes. What seems impossible today may be completely different in two months, heck in two days. We are constantly evolving and moving towards new things every single minute. It's really a bit scary when you think about it, how quickly things change. I have really liked the way things were going, I was enjoying the ride and now of course that changes. People leave your life and yes some new people come in but I hate it when people you want to be there can't be or don't want to be....it's hard.

The problem for me is I'm not very good at adapting to quick change. I can do it, it just takes me a little bit of time to grasp the concept, the change, the switch....especially if it isn't me making the change. I suppose everyone is like that...right?

I'm not saying my job hasn't evolved over time, it has, I get lots of new "opportunities" to do more of the same type of work...always for someone else's benefit...to help them, to assist them, to do some of the work for them. Work that they are being paid for but are too over-whelmed to do so I get to do it but of course with no pay for me.....those seem to be my "opportunities".


I get to do more and more of other peoples job with nothing more than a pat on the back (sometimes) as my reward - if that even comes. I'm really tired of being the....what's the right word......the go to person in every part of my life. I really want to be the person people think of FIRST just for a little while. Is that too much to ask for?


What does the Universe have to say to me today you are wondering?

It doesn't matter that the road's been rough, that you now have challenges, or that uncertainties loom on the horizon. None of these change the fact that for every thought you think today, worlds will come tumbling into existence. For every word you speak, legions will be called into action. And for every step you take, matter will be drawn from the ether.
Jeez - The Universe

Thoughts become things....choose the good ones. I keep forgetting that. Seems like I am possibly not focused on the positives in my life, I need to make that switch. Think good things and good things will come...right? Okay...worth a shot. Things always get better with time.

Here I go.......

Being First

I love being first. Not necessarily in a competitive I WIN kind of way, although that is fun too. I like to be the first one to open a jar of peanut butter, to use a new tube of tooth paste, to have the warm biscuit from the oven and to be the one to turn on the lights in the office...the first. I especially love it when I get to be the first one in the bathroom in the morning at work and the lights are out and you just know everything is clean and just waiting for the day to begin…..being first rocks.

It is however, oddly unsatisfying when you live alone. There really isn't any "game" to it...I always get to be the first.

Does being first really matter?

In an age when so many firsts have been made, finding new ones almost seems to require extreme creativity. We tend to glorify the pursuit of all things bigger and better and creating new firsts gets lost in the shuffle somewhere along the line. Being first gives us, well gives me, some sense of meaning. Every new thing leads us to another and another and it doesn’t matter what it’s about. As a society we have to constantly advance and push the envelope for the firsts: first human clone, the first person on Mars event to be the first female president…firsts matter.
But does being first really have the upper hand over being second or even fifth? Shouldn’t getting things done right matter more than doing it first? If we look back in time, the Constitution was not our first attempt at creating a governing document - it was our second and World War I really didn't end all wars did it?

Every time someone is the first at something, people subconsciously feel like it gives us hope. Hope because our futures are filled with firsts. Is the first always the best? Your first kiss, your first time, your first car….they all hold special meaning because they were the first time we experienced something but does that mean they were the best? Deciding whether something is best is nearly impossible to decipher because everyone brings their own measurements to the equation. By putting that stigma on a person, place or thing creates an unattainable level for future attempts.

I love being first, I want to be the first to tell people something they didn’t know. To try a new restaurant, to go someplace no one else has been. It makes me sound like an adventurous person, which I am not, but I like to push the envelope…I like to step out on that ledge and think about jumping.

"There's a new beginning waiting to unfold. It's just not time yet. When you fully honor what was, what will be, it will be worth the wait."

Marks of time

As a kid there are these moments in our life that are landmark moments.

Learning to talk, taking your first steps, learning to drive, graduating, getting your first place. All these moments in time mark the growing and learning we do to become adults. At some point in time these landmark moments stop happening. We reach adulthood and we become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and we just are. One day sort of blurs into the next and the next. I wish there were more challenging marks of our time as we age.


I feel like at this point in my life there really aren't these big landmark moments anymore. I mean it's not like I'm going to get married or have kids and then in turn grand kids....I graduated school and now it sort of feels like I don't really have anything left to get to....to achieve....to do. It's an odd feeling.

I like having something to look forward to...something to plan for....I'd give anything to have something to call my own. It feels like my faith is gone and I'm sort of coasting down life's highway with no GPS.

Then today what does the Universe say to me? Kinda spooky:

I know what it's like. I've seen it played out a few zillion times. You're waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they'll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they'll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
Well, I'm here to tell you your wait is over. That someone is you.
Good thing you rock, The Universe

I had a long conversation with a friend last night about our purpose.....our meaning...our reason for being and he came up with this quote....which I love - Once you start down a path that connects with your inner soul, your feet will find the rest of the path.

Makes me wonder, how do we really know where we are going? How do we decide what path to follow? What makes one person move towards something and another person move in another direction? Does our soul really guide us?

Be the spark

Let's put it this way: To perform like a "star," to steal the show, and to party with the "Gods"... take the stage, do the dance, and invite yourself.
Be the spark,
The Universe

The Sound of Settling

Happiness is not something we can buy. And it’s not something others can give us although it would be way easier if that were true. Happiness is about being connected. Connected with others gives us the feeling that we are part of the bigger picture, that we matter and ultimately that makes us happy.

Can we learn to be happy or does it just happen?

I suppose really true happiness starts with ourselves. If you don't treat ourselves like we matter, like we are important or forgive ourselves for our mistakes how can we expect others to?

Whatever excitement I lack in my personal life I try to make up for in my professional life. Is that wrong? maybe. My job for the past several months has been pretty mundane and unchallenging, it however has recently changed....more on that later. It was good because as I was finishing school I needed to have some balance. I couldn't handle super busy stress on all levels of my life but at some point there has to be a balance between my work life and my personal life. I've never been one to have my job rule my life.....don't want to be that kind of person and I've never really had the kind of personal life that rules my work life, don't want to be that kind of person either.

Recently I've sort of put myself "out there" again and I've been having some fun. My experience has been however, that I am becoming the "you'll do" person or the "side chick" and not just in my personal life....seems to have crossed over into my work life as well. It seems to be that I am the person people will go to if everyone else it to busy....I'll do.....if they need kill sometime before they go to another event....I'll do.

Feels like I'm always being "squeezed" into peoples lives or given "opportunities" when no one else is available. Honestly I don't know that I would mind it so much if it felt like the time people were spending with me was what they really wanted to be doing but when they keep checking their watch or talking on the phone or at work when they can't figure out someone to do some mundane task it seems to be me they come to.

I let it happen over and over thinking this time it will be different. This time they will acknowledge me and pay me what I'm really worth or really BE with me. It's kind of unsettling to realize it's happening on all fronts - and therein lies the problem.

Breathe.

Is this the sound of settling? Have I settled for this life? If so how do I change it?

The angel cards seem to be telling me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I find myself wishing too often for someone or something to fill up my time. I don’t feel satisfied with my job, well at least the pay portion of it - would it change if I were being paid for my work? At some point I have to make a tough decision on this I know.

I don’t like being alone and I don’t seem to have friends available to just hang out or to chill with. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings to the idea of NOT being alone and that doesn't mean romantically, but just not alone all of the time...it just makes me more prone to frustration and disappointment.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.

Hoo-fricking-ray!

Any suggestions?

Introspection

I have these angel cards that I like to use.....to help guide me, to help provide direction in my life. So last night a friend and I did a reading. I pulled the Introspection card which honestly couldn't have been a more perfect card at this time.



It reads: Your angel guidance is to find quiet space for contemplation and look within. It is time to withdraw and review your life. Taking time and space for yourself gives you an opportunity to recuperate from life's challenges, to reflect on the way ahead, strengthen yourself and prepare for the next phase of your life. During times of introspection, you can become aware of your gifts, your inner reserve and your wisdom. It is a time for healing. Still your mind and quieten your emotions. Ask for your angel's wings to enfold you and provide you with a safe haven in which to relax. Then you can listen to the promptings of your angel inspiring and guiding you.



Umm, isn't that what I've been doing? Apparently not well. Yikes. This card really struck a chord with me. It's rather chilling when you think about it.

Being quiet or being alone or thinking is never something I have been good at but clearly it needs to be done. I need to find some time and some space to get away, to think to be alone. I feel like it needs to be by water for some reason as well. Water seems to calm me, makes me feel better....even a nice bubble bath works.

It's funny how life seems to move so fast sometimes that it's only when you stop to pause that you realize it's changing. It changes everyday, every minute and yet only when we stop to breath do we really notice it.