The Sound of Settling

Happiness is not something we can buy. And it’s not something others can give us although it would be way easier if that were true. Happiness is about being connected. Connected with others gives us the feeling that we are part of the bigger picture, that we matter and ultimately that makes us happy.

Can we learn to be happy or does it just happen?

I suppose really true happiness starts with ourselves. If you don't treat ourselves like we matter, like we are important or forgive ourselves for our mistakes how can we expect others to?

Whatever excitement I lack in my personal life I try to make up for in my professional life. Is that wrong? maybe. My job for the past several months has been pretty mundane and unchallenging, it however has recently changed....more on that later. It was good because as I was finishing school I needed to have some balance. I couldn't handle super busy stress on all levels of my life but at some point there has to be a balance between my work life and my personal life. I've never been one to have my job rule my life.....don't want to be that kind of person and I've never really had the kind of personal life that rules my work life, don't want to be that kind of person either.

Recently I've sort of put myself "out there" again and I've been having some fun. My experience has been however, that I am becoming the "you'll do" person or the "side chick" and not just in my personal life....seems to have crossed over into my work life as well. It seems to be that I am the person people will go to if everyone else it to busy....I'll do.....if they need kill sometime before they go to another event....I'll do.

Feels like I'm always being "squeezed" into peoples lives or given "opportunities" when no one else is available. Honestly I don't know that I would mind it so much if it felt like the time people were spending with me was what they really wanted to be doing but when they keep checking their watch or talking on the phone or at work when they can't figure out someone to do some mundane task it seems to be me they come to.

I let it happen over and over thinking this time it will be different. This time they will acknowledge me and pay me what I'm really worth or really BE with me. It's kind of unsettling to realize it's happening on all fronts - and therein lies the problem.

Breathe.

Is this the sound of settling? Have I settled for this life? If so how do I change it?

The angel cards seem to be telling me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I find myself wishing too often for someone or something to fill up my time. I don’t feel satisfied with my job, well at least the pay portion of it - would it change if I were being paid for my work? At some point I have to make a tough decision on this I know.

I don’t like being alone and I don’t seem to have friends available to just hang out or to chill with. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings to the idea of NOT being alone and that doesn't mean romantically, but just not alone all of the time...it just makes me more prone to frustration and disappointment.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.

Hoo-fricking-ray!

Any suggestions?