It's funny, I think about it sometimes and I'm rather amazed at myself. I push myself to do things and go places and live so far outside my own bubble that I am impressed and then there are other days I feel like I could implode because I am so done with who I am and where I am at. I can't figure out the balance quite yet. It feels like a oddly balanced see saw. I suppose life is like that....sort of like a Forest Gump saying....life is like a see saw...sometimes your up, sometimes your down and sometimes you get to hang right in the middle...the "sweet spot".
At work there is a process we have to go through every year in terms of our goals/development. It's always been a point of contention for me because honestly......nothing changes. I've been here 23 years now....23 years and every year I fill out the form saying here is where I'd like to be - here is my "sweet spot" and 23 years later I'm really no place different. I've graduated school now and I'm stuck...stuck in a desk in the middle of constant chaos that no one seems to think is an issue except me. I'm kind of exhausted. Well more than kind of.
Exhausted by writing out what I deem my "sweet spot" to be and yet never being any closer to it. It's absolutely exhausting to come in and be invisible all day long, all week long and then have to write down on paper pretending like something will change, something that never happens. I realize corporations have processes and procedures but come on...stop asking me what I want to do or where I want to be year after year after year only to have me be right here. Okay, so I guess I'm a little frustrated with work right now.
I was talking with a friend yesterday remarking on how fast life changes, how fast our feelings, our thoughts, everything changes. What seems impossible today may be completely different in two months, heck in two days. We are constantly evolving and moving towards new things every single minute. It's really a bit scary when you think about it, how quickly things change. I have really liked the way things were going, I was enjoying the ride and now of course that changes. People leave your life and yes some new people come in but I hate it when people you want to be there can't be or don't want to be....it's hard.
The problem for me is I'm not very good at adapting to quick change. I can do it, it just takes me a little bit of time to grasp the concept, the change, the switch....especially if it isn't me making the change. I suppose everyone is like that...right?
I'm not saying my job hasn't evolved over time, it has, I get lots of new "opportunities" to do more of the same type of work...always for someone else's benefit...to help them, to assist them, to do some of the work for them. Work that they are being paid for but are too over-whelmed to do so I get to do it but of course with no pay for me.....those seem to be my "opportunities".
I get to do more and more of other peoples job with nothing more than a pat on the back (sometimes) as my reward - if that even comes. I'm really tired of being the....what's the right word......the go to person in every part of my life. I really want to be the person people think of FIRST just for a little while. Is that too much to ask for?
What does the Universe have to say to me today you are wondering?
It doesn't matter that the road's been rough, that you now have challenges, or that uncertainties loom on the horizon. None of these change the fact that for every thought you think today, worlds will come tumbling into existence. For every word you speak, legions will be called into action. And for every step you take, matter will be drawn from the ether.
Jeez - The Universe
Thoughts become things....choose the good ones. I keep forgetting that. Seems like I am possibly not focused on the positives in my life, I need to make that switch. Think good things and good things will come...right? Okay...worth a shot. Things always get better with time.
Here I go.......
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