Always thinking ahead

I was having coffee with a friend the other day at a small neighborhood cafe' by Lake Nokomis (my new neighborhood) and two things occurred in such a small minute of time it got me thinking...ahead....to my life possibly in 20 years.

We sat table side outside and tootling down the street came a gentleman in his I would guess early 80's in an electric scooter that was more like a motorized electric wheelchair. Now I'm guessing he can barely walk without assistance, judging from his age and physical statue. He comes tootling down the street as if he were driving a car and smiling at us and just in general really happy and it appeared as if he were totally enjoying his life. Not a care in the world.

Now had this not been a quiet little neighborhood side street, he would have surely met his maker, but it was across the street from a school and in a relatively quiet and calm neighborhood. Not soon after he passed, a sporty little two door topless car came drifting by us. The driver's hair was blowing wild and free, completely untamed and she didn't seem to mind at all that her shoulder length do was wild and unkempt. She too was elderly, I would venture to say mid 60's. She also seemed to be quite happy and enjoying her life...which got me to thinking....where do I see myself at that age? I mean in a mere 20 years I will be 68 - will I have the love of life I saw on these people's faces? Will I have that unabated joy in a sunny day with the wind blowing my hair (no matter the color) all around?

Do we have to plan to be happy? Do we have to wait? Is the life and the stress and the choices we are choosing right now today what we do so that in 20 years we can be carefree and happy?

I wonder, what does it take for us to be "happy"?

Is it money? I know if I had more of it I'd be deliriously happy.....probably ALL the time. Is it love? I know if I were IN love, I'd probably be a person most people couldn't stand to be around. Is it fame? Ahh, we always think those things will make us HAPPY. Why do we choose to wait? Why do we put all these conditions on ourselves and our lives? Why not choose to be happy here and now? You ever meet one of those types....you know the ones that are always super positive and happy no matter what is happening. They always see the glass as half full and they always find the bright spot in everything that happens. Example - My husband left me. Her: Oh that's terrible, but I know there is someone amazing out there just waiting for you! Or I just got fired! Her: Oh dear. You know though, there is a job much more suited to you out there, you will find it! Those people...the Suzie Sunshine's of the world.....ugh.

But there is another type of person too....the one who acknowledges that things SUCK and it's NOT fair and it BLOWS or whatever analogy you want to use to describe the unfairness of life, but....and here's the key, BUT they help you realize that maybe things aren't as bad as you think or feel. Maybe things are just about to change and change for the better. Or maybe it's time to make different choices in your life so this doesn't happen again. And maybe, they are just the type of person to stand by you and hold your hand until things DO get better. Those are the people you want in your life. Not the Pollyanna Prue bread's who tweet out all this positive sunshine no matter the weather..

So.....it's time to find those people and choose that life and surround yourself with people that aid you in being a the best you now so when it comes your time to drive by some people sitting at a coffee shop discussing life, you get to smile with a small knowing smile that life does sometimes just settle into being happy and OK.

You don't know what you don't know

Today was one of those days that are rare. One of those days where it started out one way and ended in such a positive, unexpected way. I had lunch with a friend, a new friend today who has been instrumental in helping me shape my not only my life but my future.

Everything happens for a reason, life ebbs and flows and sometimes we spend so much time trying to figure out WHAT is rather than experiencing and living our lives. So much has gone on in my life in the last few weeks that it's causing me to re-think so much about myself and my life choices. I've never been patient or good at waiting or even giving people space when they need it. I am a 100% in person and when that choice/option gets taken away from me without my permission I kinda freak out. So I need to put my energy someplace else, to shift my focus and hopefully things will settle and get back to what I call "normal" again.....soon.

So my new friend is a refreshing change in my manic life. He's one of those people that has been through life...he's been up and down and re-created himself and is doing what he loves on his own terms. It's something I've always thought about but haven't really ever dared do....or even thought I could do. He's living a true authentic life. Something I think we all dream about but many of us never even actually attempt. He inspires me to reach for that mythical golden ring.....to trust my gut and to move towards what it is I want.

So here's the thing....we never know what it is we don't know...until we suddenly know it. I've been looking for so long for my purpose, my reason, my path, my purpose....it's been here inside me all the time but I've never seen it. I've suddenly got a little glimpse into who I think I want to be or possibly the path I want to be on. This new focus in my life is good but is scary and overwhelming at the same time. I'm a bit nervous to be heading down this new path because in the past when I thought I was headed in a right direction I always seemed to find out way down the path that it just wasn't it. I am not really focusing on that part as much as I am trying to focus on doing this right, and putting my energy and time into something I am feeling good about right now.

I have embarked on this path trying to explore a side of me that has always been there, public presenting and sharing stories and trying to see if that is the avenue for me....and the messages the Universe is sending me is yes.....possibly this is a path I should explore. I've put a few presentations together and actually done three of them so far with four more scheduled over the next few weeks. The amazing thing is my new friend is such a blessing....he has given me so much encouragement and advice and amazing support that I can't even believe I'm lucky enough to have crossed paths with him.

So - who knows, this new path may take me where I want to go or it may just give me some new things to ponder and think about as I travel down this new and interesting path.

Outside forces

Life is a constant moving force to be reckoned with. It comes at us so fast and hard that sometimes we just can't catch our breath. Then one day, one single moment, everything changes....stops. Suddenly all the chaos and hustle and bustle of real life no longer seems like it matters.

It can be an sudden unexpected death of a loved one, a break up, a job loss - any big life alteration that makes you stop and have to face the reality without the excuse of all the other busyness we fill our lives with.

Decisions have to be made fast and furious....and sometimes that's OK. We've created a lifestyle that works for us and we become comfortable with it. We make sure we are booked every minute, that we are constantly moving towards some goal we've set out there for us to reach and then suddenly, without warning, we have to refocus and shift our own lives.

Sometimes life has to slap us in the face before we stop and realize what we have and do isn't what we really want. Just for a little bit I'd like to believe that we are doing the right thing. That we are doing what we need to do for us for a better life for a better future....but we don't always get to control that. Personal issues cause a lot of in-balance in our lives. We constantly have to negotiate the difficult complicated choices we've made for ourselves. All the new experiences we experience come together to lead us off into another direction.

I think we tend to make life so hard on ourselves. We tend to stay in a life that continues to make us unhappy telling ourselves there isn't anything we can do about it. How come we continue to make these choices and then scream at the Universe....WHY ME?

I think it's time we start looking at finding little ways to make these changes without stopping our universes from crashing.

Time flies no matter what you do

You know that old saying...time flies when your having fun. It's true, but it also flies no matter what your doing.

In looking over my own calendar for the next two months, I barely have a day where something isn't written in for each day. Either meetings, phone calls, working, working my pt job, presenting, making chapter visits....my days are flying by. I barely have time to even do the fun little things I love like time with friends or family.

I realized with great sadness, that it's been months since I've seen some of my nieces and nephews. Not counting the ones out of state, I'm talking about the ones right here near me. Life is moving at such a whirl wind pace that I can't even find time to enjoy life.

Makes me wonder, why am I on this treadmill on constant activity? What am I racing to...or better yet, running from? What makes me constantly have to be somewhere or to be doing something? How much is too much?

When we begin to look at our lives in terms of time, it seems out of control. If we look at it in terms of what am I doing to effect (or is it affect??) the greater good, things that will leave their mark even after I'm gone - it's a different story. There is value in building relationships that last lifetimes...there is value in helping others see the good and amazing opportunities available to them....they all have purpose and meaning but lately I'm feeling lost in the maze that has become my life.

I jokingly ask why I am even paying rent. I virtually am home long enough to shower, do some laundry and then go to bed. I could live in a tiny little one room place and be quite content. Why didn't I actually consider that when I moved? Why did I think I needed all this space and stuff? Why do we constantly strive for things that don't really make us....us?

No matter what you do, time moves on. Children get older, friends find new friends and forget about partners....they just feel left behind. Unless they are running at the same pace, it just doesn't work. I realize balance is the key....I know that I can and should say NO to somethings but for right now, I have made a commitment that for the next year will keep me running at a fast pace. I need some other parts of my life to settle down or keep up...otherwise I'm going to lose control.

Like a car that just keeps going, you have to do some maintenance as well...so I am trying to find that balance, trying to be as creative with my time and meetings as possible. Trying to combine some fun with the frenzy so at the end of the day I can feel like it all matter....it does...just not in a real measurable way.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.......

Getting lost to get found

Sometimes we have to lose to win, get lost to get found. Make any sense to you? Cause it didn't to me until I started really thinking about it. Sometimes when we force ourselves to THINK about things we either muddle things up even more or create these situations that will never really actually come about and we end up so disappointed.

I've begun to realize the older I get how much time we waste hoping things will change, waiting for things to change....working in baby steps towards making things change but really, we don't have any control other than our own voice and our own choices. I recently was talking with a friend who was trying to make a plan for 5/6 months from now. We talked through different scenarios and laid out the plans, including all the "what if's" and the "maybe's" but still, we could really only talk it out. I began to realize with utter fear and frustration, that you can't really plan on anything.


I heard this speaker today going on and on about the choices we make in our lives. How we can't keep waiting for the WHAT IF'S or the MAYBE'S to happen. That each day is a choice and we are not promised tomorrow. He said "live each day as if it's last and eventually you are going to be right". That's really all we can depend on...the final result. He also talked about not settling...not giving into what is and to keep striving and working towards what it is you think you really want. If you don't know what that is keep fighting for it, keep looking. He talked about living each day to the best of your ability and if you find yourself waking up dreading what it is you are about to go give 8/10 hours of your life to then it's time to think about making a change. Made me really think and realize life is way to short to not enjoy it.

Why do we stay with people we aren't excited to be with, go to jobs that bring us no joy, do things we dread? I have to honestly stop and ask myself this question pretty hard.

Then I heard this story that I thought was pretty cool:

A six-old girl was at a drawing lesson, sitting at the back of the room because she rarely paid attention. However, on this particular day the little girl was very engaged. The teacher was interested in why the little girl was so engaged, so she went over to her and asked, “What are you drawing?” The girl said, “I’m drawing a picture of God.” The teacher replied, “But nobody knows what God looks like.” To which the little girl said very matter-of-factly, “They will in a minute.”

So what does your future look like?

Learn to become who you are

Some days it's really easy to be me. I wake up with a zest for my own life and I begin my day looking forward to all the new adventures that will come my way. Then there are those days that I can barely open my eyes and my soul seems closed off to anything and everything new that might come my way. Sometimes those days turn into weeks....and I find myself questioning who I have become. Who I have chosen to be, who I continue to work towards becoming.

I grew up the oldest girl and therefore had responsibilities thrust upon me before I could really understand what it meant. I grew up always taking care of someone else. Making sure my sisters got their homework done, the dishes were done, people were fed, no fighting, the house was picked up...to technically I was a housewife since about age 8. I remember one time when I was about 12 or 13 years old I was sitting with my mom in our living room and when my dad came home, he asked me what was for dinner. He specifically addressed me and asked me what was for dinner....I remember thinking that was cool...I loved that. I felt in charge and kind of like a big deal. Looking back on it however, it kind of blows.

I learned early on in life to take care of other people. To put their needs, wants and desires first and that's not a bad thing, but it kind of leaves me in a weird place now as a single adult. I no longer have anyone to do that for. For about 12 years I was an assistant of some type, I was always the go to, knowledgeable person and that worked for me. Within the last year and half to two years, I've become more of a solitary worker bee. I mostly have no interaction with other humans, I write and edit and stare at a computer screen or scour the Internet for data. Who have I chosen to become?

We make the choice to be who we are by the actions we do each and everyday. I'm a little worried I've chosen a path that isn't who I really am. Can you go back and re-trace your steps and by doing something as simple as making different choices, ultimately change your path?

Worth a try.

Sky's the limit - full of possibilites

There's nothing like change to make you appreciate what you had....have. There's nothing like change to snap you into waking up to all the possibilities life hands us everyday.

How do you know you won't like brussel sprouts if you actually never taste one? What if, by just trying one, you open yourself up to endless possibilities you didn't even know existed until you ate a brussel sprout. Now grant it, a brussel sprout can't change the world, but it can make a difference.

I was in Montreal, Canada last week, and despite my bum knee, I managed to hobble around enough to see some amazing sites. Some places I will probably never get back to in my life....so I took full advantage of the little bit of free time I did have. It was awesome. I would like to go back and see more but I'm thankful I had some time to see what I did. On the way there I was so focused on the week, the conference, my wardrobe for the week. So concentrating on where I had to be and when and how I was going to get there and would I get lost and would I know anyone and....and...and....I was so focused that I didn't realize we had hit turbulence outside the normal amount of turbulence. I mean I've flown a number of times and had the occasional bumpy ride, I even landed once in a thunderstorm. That scared the daylights out of me because a plane is a giant piece of metal and it felt like we were flying INTO the lightening. But this particular turbulence was different...it was super shaky....and we were in a smaller plane than I'm used too....two seats on each side....so we were shaking around pretty good. I didn't get worried until we did one of those drops....you know the kind where you sort of pop out of your seat and for one split second you are seat buckled in but yet you pop out of your seat. A collective gasp arose from the plane that made me so scared I thought I was going to pee.

When an entire plane gasps out loud....I think that's time to worry. I had a window seat and all I could see was white puffy clouds...I was praying to God (or whomever) that the pilot could see something more than me....the plane continued to shake about quite a bit and I couldn't help but cry. A tear ran down my cheek and the woman next to me, a complete stranger, offered me her hand and told me to just breathe.....it was the scariest few moments of my life. It literally only lasted a few minutes but it scared me. I began thinking after that....life is too short to be so focused and skipping the moment we are in. It was like the Universe was slapping me in the face saying STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE NEXT MOMENT AND THE NEXT MOMENT. FOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!

So I did...I focused on breathing and holding a complete strangers hand.

The sky's the limit....each and every day we have the opportunity to find new possibilities, new challenges, new roads to explore. How we choose to spend that time and that day is entirely up to us. We can be so focused on the next thing and the next thing and the next or we can try to see what each day and each moment offers us in terms of possibilities.

I've said it before, I'll say it again...it's hard to be an adult!