The other day I had a conversation with my bestie about expectations. We talked about how we are constantly disappointed and she wondered if we have set our own expectations too high. Do we expect others to be perfect?
This led into a long conversation about what we SHOULD expect from others, including ourselves, and I added from my job/career. Her stance was we have these expectations that we put out there and we can't possibly expect anyone else to live up to that, we can't put that on someone else. We have to understand that is not really fair to the other person. I immediately wanted to argue this point....maybe not argue, possibly "discuss". I said wait....why do we have to settle? Why do we have to compromise, to give in, to forgo what it is we say we want or need from something or someone. She "discussed" back with me...I'm not talking about settling...and from my side, it's all I could see. So we talked more about it...and her point was this:
If you are expecting a certain outcome from a situation and you don't get it, your disappointed. I agreed. So then change your expectation. I say so I should settle...I should settle for something I don't really want so the other person/thing is happy? Clearly we were not communicating. Then our time together was up. We agreed to think about it and talk again later on it....but as usual, I can't just let it go. My mind, if not otherwise occupied, continues to dwell on and "spin" and process this conversation over and over and over. It's very difficult to have a one sided conversation.
So when I woke up at 3 a.m. my mind immediately started pondering this thought again. Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself and ultimately for others? I'll use my job as an example. Four years ago I was dissatisfied with my job. I felt it was lacking any purpose. Sure I was a rock star of an Executive Assistant, always, well mostly always, the go-to person. The one with my "finger on the pulse". I got stuff done. But one day it just wasn't enough. I began to feel unproductive, unnecessary, no longer feeling like I was contributing at the level I needed to be fully engaged. I had a heart-to-heart with my boss who convinced me to get my degree. I had a 2 year degree and only 2 more years and I could have my 4 year degree. In our conversations it make me believe and trust that with a 4 year degree doors would open wide for me. My world, at least my professional world, would become this deeply satisfying and rewarding experience I needed it to be. So I went, I did and I got it.
Hmmm, here's the thing. No doors magically appeared or opened. Nothing really changed...not like I EXPECTED it to. So...I changed my expectations...I settled. I worked and changed my thinking and did everything I was supposed to do expecting an outcome that never came. Now what. OK....so my boss helped me develop into a new position....full of possibilities....so I move down that path...now 3 years later, here I am...expecting something more, something new, something outside of what has now become the norm. How do I keep trudging down paths only to find myself settling into whatever place I'm at. Am I being stubborn or blind to what it means to have no expectations of others? I don't get it.
I'm even more confused now that I try to put this into perspective in my own everyday life. Do we expect too much from the world? How do you stop? What's the difference between expecting and giving up?
Every time I start with a question, it seems to lead to more questions. Why is that?
3 comments:
Here's one man's opinion: you keep coming back to the same questions because you never actually resolve them. We were having the same conversations about a person's expectations of the world versus the world's response to those expectations ten years ago. Even then, you believed any response that wasn't the one you wanted involved "settling" rather than, say, evolving. It's my old fire, hot, fire, hot observation. I remember how you felt when I was going through my own "it doesn't matter, just let it go, release it to the universe" phase. That always seemed like some sort of settling to you as well. And I'm not a good example of living the philosophy myself right now, because there's definitely a lot going on that I'm not able to just "let go" at the moment. But I guess I do believe that you're never going to proceed to the next question until you accept the answer to the first one. Sadly, for all questions, sometimes the answer is simply some variation of "no." You can beat your head against that reality forever, but where does it get you in the end?
Oh wow, Dawn....did you ever touch on some very deep and restless feelings and thoughts. It's such an important topic and sadly, I feel much the same way as you on it. I don't have any of the big answers now either, but I think it's honest and therapeutic to be even ASKING those kind of questions. Only fools blindly accept things as fact without really thinking about or questioning them. I guess that personal actualization can only come from a life well lived and how many of your dreams become actualized. But hey - what the heck do I know? Nothing!!!!
I don't think you're "settling." Rather, you keep raising the bar. It's similar to exercising (which, by the way, I hate): Each time I reach a particular goal, I raise the bar...and by doing so, of course I feel inadequate. So...am I "settling" when I don't make it to my new goal? Of course not; but it sure feels like it because I'm not where I wanted to be. The trick, I think, is to keep on raising the bar but simultaneously remember where it used to be. (And BTW...it's important to keep asking those questions; it's how we grow.)
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