Somethings not missing

I used this as my Facebook quote today: It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

It really struck me that we go through life looking so hard for what's missing, for something that we can't quite find and then one day, all of a sudden something arrives and you realize it may have been there all along but we just never saw it. Never embraced it or let it in. All of a sudden things go from being so difficult and confusing to meh.....it's not that big of a deal. What a difference it is when you find that missing peice.

The Universe needed to weigh in on it to. It says: It's not unreturned love, from a certain someone, that hurts. It's just that sometimes the "thing" you're focusing on, keeps you from feeling all the love that others are sending you.
Especially me, me, me -
The Universe

P.S. In other words, the more it seems that "love" hurts, the more you can be sure it's something else.

So many messages come at us all the time.....it's these simple ones that stop me in my tracks and make me think.

Brand new thoughts

When ever I think about New Years something in the pit of my stomache twists just a little bit. There is so much pressure, so much expectations put on one day that it kind of makes me want to sleep through it. On the other hand, I almost always wish I were at some fabulous party with music and decorations and at midnight everyone would sing the song and confetti would fall from the ceiling. Aww......that's the New Years I want. Maybe I wouldn't feel so anxeity ridden to make some new decisions if it were like that. Maybe it would be easier to change my thining if it weren't so boring and stressful.

I wonder as the year comes to an end - Where will I be at this time next year? Who will I be? And what will I be dreaming of? I am sooo not the same person I was at the beginning of this year and I soooo never imagined I'd be where I am at right now.....it's been a roller coaster or a year, and not all bad. Emotionally it's been a crazy year, physically not much has changed...I might even have the same hair I started the year out with....is that possible that none of that has changed at all in one year? I might have to go back and review pictures.

I've sure laughed, loved and cried a lot more this year than in any past years I can remember. I guess that's good...beats the alternative. I've cultivated some great new friends and feel like I've let go of some of the more toxic relationships I've had in my life....so over all, it's been a pretty decent year....but now as it's getting ready to end, I find myself being challenged by trying to find new new thoughts....some new things that I've not even yet considered.

The Universe in all it's wisdom has it's say as well:

Thinking brand new thoughts that you've never thought before is wildly more conducive to creating big life changes than just thinking different varieties of the same old thoughts. Think about it -
The Universe

How do we let NEW thoughts in? How do we change the way we just revise old thoughts and try to make them fit into our lives...like trying to cram a square peg in a round hole. It takes so much work somedays....but I like the idea of creating big life changes......perhaps I have to think some more on this.

Stay the same or change?

You ever get a song stuck in your head? The repeating chours of some song that you sing over and over and over until you think your ears will bleed? Sometimes life feels like that.

We tell ourselves the same message over and over and over and soon we begin to beleive it. It becomes our reality and until we sing it through or change the words we can't get past that moment. Each day is made up of mini events. Some we events don't seem so great until they are over. We don't realize they are happening or experence the Wowness of them until they are over.

So it begs me to ask......do we fight to stay the same, to keep things as they are or do we let the Universe step in and help us change? How do we know when it's time to fight and time to give up?

The older I get the more it seems like I have no idea what the answers are....I used to think I knew. I used to think that the things I didn't know I'd eventually figure out AS I got older but it doesn't seem to work like that. How can we live so in such a unknowing state for so long. Is it just easier to coast along then to try and figure it all out. Does anyone really have it all figured out? Probably not.....and if they claim to, I'm not sure I'd believe them.

I saw this bumper sticker "Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same." The same amount of energy goes into feeling unhappy as it does to be happy....why choose one over the other?

I guess it all comes down to....change or don't change....what's the benefit?

Think, Think, Think

If you think on it long enough, you'll know. You just will.
In fact you already do.
The Universe

Thinking is a critical skill that I think I am lacking. I mean I know how to do it, I spend a lot of time doing it but I am not very good at it.

I think about things and then my mind sort of spins out of control, it goes off on tangents I can't seem to control. The "what if" card always comes into play. Anytime I stop doing things my mind races. It's frustrating. I think I preferred it when I didn't think about things....that I lived and loved my little world of denial. Ahhh, I miss those days.

What has thinking really done for a person anyway? I mean when you spend so much time thinking and not actually living what's the pay off? I don't know how to stop it. It's kind of like it's been bottled up for so long and now I can freely process and think about whatever my little mind desires and there is no stopping it.

Work has been insanely busy, which is good, but all day long I try to focus on all the stuff I have to do....like cramming 10 hours worth of work in a 8 hour day and my personal life has been sort of a disappointment lately that when I finally lay down at night my mind wanders wild and free.

I've taken to not requiring much sleep....well I require it but my body and brain have decided I only need between 4 & 5 hours at the most. It doesn't matter how much I talk to myself....sleep does not seem to be something I am interested in doing. Ugh!!!!

Is Everything a Sign?

Signs, signs everywhere a sign - blocking out the scenery breaking my mind. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the signs?

I am a big proponent that the Universe sends us messages, that things happen for a reason. I believe good things come to those who wait, do unto others as you would have them do unto you but lately I'm wondering if we get so immune to these constant incoming messages that we start to NOT see them anymore.

I have been feeling quite disconnected for sometime now, I've felt like the last half of this year has taken an unexpected stroll down a path I wasn't even sure existed before and suddenly I find myself being bombarded by thoughts 24/7 and I can't seem to shut them off. Today as I was trying to process these thoughts I was behind a car that cut me off, this J-Hole swerved over at the last possible moment and then jammed on his breaks. As I cussed him out in my head, OK probably out loud, I saw his bumper sticker...it read "do what you love, nothing else matters".

It made me pause. Made me think about it....what is it that I love? Not a "who" but a "what". What is it that makes me get up in the morning, do the things I do, not just go through the motions of living. Interesting. This is going to take some more thinking.

Something has definitely shifted in my life. What is this need all of a sudden I have for some kind of external validation? What has changed or shifted in my life to cause me to NEED something more, something different, something I clearly don't have? Why is it not enough for me that I am a good and decent person? That I (try) treat others fairly, and frankly I'm a pretty amazing person overall and I don't NEED anyone else to tell me that. I really don't. I know this. I take care of myself, I live a pretty decent life and I have some amazing friends, a good job and my health. Why is it that suddenly that doesn't feel like enough. Why do I have this overwhelming emptiness that seems like something is missing? Is this a mid-life thing? A woman thing? A crazy person thing?

What possibly is missing and why do I feel like I'll never figure it out?

So I was prompted to change my password today on my work computer and I had been using the name of someone who is pretty much gone from my life but it was my way to kind of keep him in it...I know, it makes no sense, anyway, I had to think of a new password and suddenly my mind couldn't think of any other word....I was like OK you are crazy....stop this. So I did, I regrouped and typed in a new password....well I apparently didn't type the same word twice so I tried to re-enter it and it again didn't accept....I tried for a third time and I swear to God my brain must just be such a muddled mess because it cancelled again. Screw it I thought, I used t he name again but just changed the number after it - ex. Winter01. I wonder, what exactly was the Universe trying to tell me at this moment? I thought I was ready to let it go but clearly I am not. What does it all mean?

Where is the book of answers when you need it? The walk down this tangled path continues.

What do we really want?

It's funny when you pause...when you take a minute to breath, to exhale all of a sudden it makes you think. Think about who you are, who you have become and what do you really want.

That is the age old question. What do I really want? I want to wake up one day having the answer to this question. I want to wake up without that empty, hollow feeling sitting inside of me needing to be filled....filled with something that I can't quite put my finger on. I want that moment when you realize that you have purpose, meaning, a reason for being. How quickly that gets lost in the midst of searching.

Life if full of defining moments. Moments that turn into hours that turn into days that turn into weeks. Moments have meaning. These moments are important and sooner or later they become bigger than us. Suddenly we find ourselves standing at the cross roads of our own life looking back realizing that we've gotten older and then we think what if.

Does any one decision make our life? Sometimes we make bad decisions but life is a series of choices, a big combination of moments that create who we are. For too long I find that I've let other people make those decisions for me. People who don't put me first in their life or even give me a second thought. I realize I've let my life sit on hold for so long and I'm not really even sure how to make it move again.

This year has been really good in so many ways...I've taken steps to move my life in new directions that it's never been and I've enjoyed it for the most part but suddenly it feels like without my permission, without me letting it happen it's all gone...taken back, moved on without me. How does that happen? How does everything around me seem to move without me?

Some days it feels like I have no control over anything and then the winds change and I suddenly feel myself engulfed in a suit of armor that allows me to tackle the world. How quickly moments move past us.

I guess the best thing to do is keep that armor on hand for the days when you really need it.

Less is always more

Less - when you lose weight you feel better about yourself.....less - when you pay off debt you have more money.....less - when you get rid of things you feel better.....less is always more.

When you decide to stop living your life....waiting...waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to save you, to find you, to love you, to be your other half you feel a release, a comfort that you are the only thing you ever need. When you decide you get to move on.

The Universe is a funny thing. I believe in putting things out there to let the Universe help guide me, to give me insight into myself and almost always it does. Today is no exception:

What if you first got to decide how you'd like to feel - happy or sad, hurt or mad, approving or jealous, loved or ignored and then I had to go out and rearrange all the people and circumstances of your life to make it so? You'd like that, huh? You'd choose happy, eh?

Done.

The Universe is so wise. I wish I could 100% trust it and let go of all my control to it. When you really think about it the Universe has some pull, some magnetic field that we are connected to. If we just let go and stop fighting I wonder if we could hear the messages clearer.

It's exhausting to always be moving towards something...sometimes I think it would be so much easier if we just stopped, rested and let the Universe bring it to us. Is that an option? How does one do that...just stop and let the Universe do all the work.

I vote for that. I vote for letting the Universe do the work. I'm tired of wanting what I don't get to have....tired of working so hard for something that is never going to happen. Exhausted by wanting so much that my soul is tired....tired to the bone.

Come on Universe....help a sister out.