Making lemonade

You know the old saying...."when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" ...I want to know where it says then add ice, vodka and shake like hell.

Life moves and changes so fast. Mostly it's completely out of our control. Just for one day, however, I'd like to have a little control. I'd like to have a button for pause, rewind or even erase. It seems the older I get, the harder it gets to get through a day unscathed by so much. Tornado's are raving our countryside, people are getting sick and dying everyday, relationships start and end in the blink of an eye and somehow the days keep on keeping on but with a few new additions. We take vacations to get away from our lives and to recharge and restore our soul. It's kind of a band aide for life but it helps get us through the tougher times.

I recently lost my dad, he was 71 years old. I didn't have the best relationship with him and even though over the years we tried to make amends, it never really happened. I waited too long...or he was too stubborn....whatever the case, it will always remain an unresolved issue within me. I can't change how it ended, I can't really change what was....all I can do is deal with what is now and try to move forward with that.

These moments that come unexpectedly can change our lives forever. They can alter our thinking and perspective on what is really important. We start to value our own time and lives a little bit more. Is it worth fighting over some of the little things in life or do we save that anger and frustration for the bigger moments? What is worth us getting upset over?

Now my mom is in the hospital. She is also 71. She has COPD - a degenerative lung disease that will eventually kill her. It's hard to watch her struggle so much day to day just to breath. Its a little hard to stop our lives and take time out to go sit with her at the hospital...no one likes to be in a hospital much less go to visit anyone there but it's so hard because there is absolutely nothing we can do. All we can do is wait and hope the medicine clears up the fluid in her lungs that doesn't allow her to breath well and wait...eventually there won't be a time the medicine will work...it's kind of surreal to know that and every time we wonder...is it now?

The reality is we all die. We are born knowing this and yes it's sad and yes it's hard but it's the circle of life. It's how we deal with it and allow our connections to those in our lives to treat us that really matters. We can choose that right now while they are still with us. We can choose to make things end differently for ourselves....that's what we have control over.

So yes, life continues to throw us lemons and we can squeeze as hard and fast as we can but there's always going to be lemonade...do we drink it or not?

Putting things in there place

I need a place to put things…inside my brain. My work me has a place, the fun me has a place, the crazy irrational me even has a place. When so much comes at a person so fast and its new stuff that doesn’t have a place…..I need a place. It’s hard to know where to put all those new voices that creep into our heads.

Everyone has them, those little voices that sound a lot like you. They sit in your head and talks away trying to get you to listen. The boring pop-psych word for them is Internal Monologue.

For a lot of people, the internal monologue is nothing but negative self-talk. You know, “I’m awful. I’m worthless. I’m ugly. I suck at this. I’m a fraud. No one will ever love me.” The problem is that this internal monologue has an annoying habit of affecting your external life and there really isn’t a place for it.

It’s these things that stop us in our tracks and keep us in our place not allowing us to venture out and try any new path or things. They are afraid of trying anything new because they have this voice in the back of their head telling them they’re not worthy of awesomeness. I’m telling you right now, you are totally awesome. You can do awesome things. And you have the right to stop listening to negative self-talk.

You have the right, honor, and duty to tell that voice to SHUT UP! It’s hard, I know because I’ve been there. Heck sometimes live there. If truth be told, I think I own a time-share in there. I still find my inner monologue taking a field trip back to Worthlessville from time to time.

When I realize that’s what’s happening, I imagine that little negative voice as a very small figurine. I mentally pick that very small figurine up by the scruff of the neck between my index finger and thumb, and I throw it through the mental wood chipper.

Because no one is going to stop me from being awesome.

Not even myself.

Brick Walls

The brick walls are not there to keep us out; they are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Having spent 4 weeks housebound gave me the opportunity (not really a choice) to spend sometime IN my head and thus begin to clear some of the cobwebs both externally and eventually internally.

I started with my car. I cleared the clutter, all the stuff that was just there to make my time in the car sort of feel like my home....because I do spend so much time IN my car going places I thought that was important....it felt like it was. Looking at it again, I don't know that honestly I could say that was the truth, but what matters now is that it was time to clear the clutter. I spent about 4 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon cleaning my car like I don't think I ever have. I washed the windows, the doors. I purchased a steering wheel cover, bought new floor mats and even cleaned the seats...trying to erase the 4 year old coffee stains on the passenger car seat. Mostly it looks nice and clean and dare I say.....respectful. Gone are all the homies I had on almost any flat surface, all the doo dads on the ceiling and hanging from the rear view mirror. There is one button left that has my personality and flair but mostly, it's a car anyone would sit in and own. It's like a giant reset button was applied to Fernando (that's his name).My 2003 Ford Focus with 108,000 miles on it has a new lease on life......for now.

Next came the biggest, harder part....my space. I sat staring at those walls of stuff for weeks on end....and came to the conclusion that mostly it was just that...stuff. Stuff cluttering my my space and my vision and ultimately me. So I started a very intense tossing of my stuff. I got a grocery cart from the garage and ruthlessly went through my space. I was actually amazed as I starting picking up things that I couldn't remember the reason why I had them in the first place. What was their purpose? What was the meaning of it all? Upon further thinking and analyzing my process, I decided I tried to create a life for everyone else. I've built my space and my environment so others would like it....I thought if I build it....they will come...

Well I did build it....I built it well and you know what....no one came. Not to say people didn't come over to my house now and then, but really....no one came...no one came and decided it was so amazing that they had to stay....that they had to be a part of it all. Frankly, it probably scared off more than it attracted. One person recently said to me "Your house is like coming into a really cute shop. There's just so much to look at." I know what she was saying, I thought that too but I always thought it's what I wanted....what I needed to be happy and content in my life...but it wasn't....it isn't. It was just another way of cluttering my my exterior to distract I'm guessing from the interior. Ahh, it's so complicated yet so very clear.

When asked "who are you?" we usually give an account of our external circumstances, our name, likes or dislikes, nationality, age, interests, yet it is almost impossible for us to touch on our inner core, what makes us be who we truly are. I recently re-watched the movie Citizen Kane and it really got me thinking....thinking about who we are, what we have and what we choose to fill our lives up with. The movies is a search for Kane's true self that gets pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle through years of memories and stories told by Kane's friends, enemies and lovers and it all revolves around his one dying word: "Rosebud". It's funny, in these times we expect "Rosebud" to mean something huge, or to unearth some deep dying amazing secret and then to feel a little underwhelmed or even cheated when "Rosebud" is finally revealed at the end. The whole point of the film is that it is not a surprise "twist" ending nor does it really reveal anything new or surprising about Kane himself, it is just simply a moment in time, a memory of his that meant something deeply personal and entrusting to who is was and ultimately what he didn't have. That is what life is about, what a person searches for, a series of moments where choices are made and our character is formed, where eternity and time touch and we either become or refuse to be who we truly are. The mystery of a person revolves around his or her capacity for love, both for receiving it but more importantly for giving it. The ending line in the movie said by the main characters best friend sums it up:

That's all he ever wanted out of life... was love. That's the tragedy of Charles Foster Kane. You see, he just didn't have any to give.

Makes me wonder...makes me think....with all this stuff cluttering up my space, what do I have to give? What do I have to get? Learning to let the walls crumble and fall is the first step to having the life we want now instead of waiting for someone else to complete it.

Where we want to be

I have been having terrible sleep issues lately......I can be completely exhausted and fall right asleep but I tend to wake up between 2 and 3 am and can not go back to sleep to save my life. I try meditating, counting sheep, imagining I'm laying on a beach listening to the ocean but still mind races with all the conditions and issues that I struggle with at every waking moment. If there was only a reboot switch for our minds.

I had this talk with a friend of mine recently stating that I really just want one piece of my life to be in the positive....I want one part to be where I need it to be....I can't really deal with having to fight every single part of my life...but I think to make it work you have to be willing to take a risk.

My father used to say nobody is going to come knocking on your door to hand you anything.....so I guess it comes down to what are you willing to do to get it? That goes for all parts of our life...what are we willing to give to get? We give up time with family and friends to get an education, we give up time with friends and family to start a relationship, we even give that up when we have children and then ultimately find the perfect job. It seems we are always giving up to get....but what if what you have isn't what you want.....can you give back to get back to where you were and start again?

At work we have to do these performance reviews that almost always go fine for me but along with that we have to complete this form talking about our development and to ultimately help us uncover our "sweet spot", the place where it all comes together and we are really happy on all levels of our job. I've always sort of just done this to do it and call it done, never really put much effort into it until last year. Last year I sat with my boss and honestly filled out the form and put a lot of effort and work into finding my sweet spot. I thought I had been moving towards it but lately I'm not feeling it. In doing this AGAIN this year, I decided to start over, not use my same form from the past years, I decided to really put some effort into it. As I was completing it, I couldn't help think.....where is this form for my life....for my personal life.

Where is my sweet spot in life? Not just in my job, but in my life? What do I want from my life, from my waking moments? Do we not want to be balanced and happy in personal life? If your life is a constant struggle how do find ways to improve it. What are your three strengths in your own life? What would your family or friends say are your strengths if they had to "grade" you? What three things do you want to focus on to change or improve and how will you do it?

Is it time we laid out a life plan to get to where we want to be? Is it ever too late to find you way on your own life path?

Words unspoken

I saw a quote today that said "drunken words spoken are sober truths untold." We get brave enough to say things out loud when we have a little drunken courage. We some how muster up the strength to say things we wouldn't normally say. It's too bad we choose that time to say what's inside us because it can often get muddled.

Sometimes we can't stop once we start...we say more than we mean to and there is no going back once those words pass through your mouth. You can't take back words. Words have power, they can make you feel so differently about things in a matter of seconds. And once you spewed out the words you then must deal with everything else. In a matter of minutes everything changes.

Dealing with the reality of your words requires you to put on your big girl pants and deal with it. You can't expect to say things, to put it all out in the light of day without some sort of reaction, from a person, the Universe or something. You have to be willing to own your words. I think it's important to be honest and to say what you need to. It's also a huge risk ...... to lay it all on the line and to be open and honest really makes a person feel venerable. By saying what you hold deep inside, you risk everything.

I am not normally one who is afraid to say things out loud...but I do hold back saying things unless I'm sure...I'm certain, I'm 100% I know how things will end. I'm not good at putting myself out there unless I know how it will end. Maybe not end but end up. I think about all those movies where the person risks everything to tell someone they are madly in love with them. They pour out their hearts out to that one person and it goes one of two ways....they melt into each others arms and they live happily ever after or they end up alone and broken hearted.

Do we risk that what we fear most in the hopes of the happily ever after? Is there something to keeping those words unspoken?

Thinking for one

I've always thought of myself as a very independent person. Most of my life I've pretty much had to do things on my own, for myself, not really having someone else to count on or to rely on or to trust will be there whenever I need them....so it always surprises me when this part of me creeps into my world.

Being stuck at home and having to rely on others to get me places has really made me think a little differently about my life. If this is a snapshot of what's to come in my life am I better off just keeping my life as it is or do I just find that someone to join my life so I'm not alone, so I have that other presence/person to rely on? Does it really matter? Do I really need to have that or do I just suck it up and try to learn what it is that I'm suppose to be learning from this whole new way of life I'm forced to live right now?

Seems like the Universe does things for a reason, so there must be a reason I'm going through all this thinking and processing while I'm house bound. What lessons do I need to learn? I realize how very lucky I am that I do have some amazing friends and people in my life that come into my world when I need them. I am very lucky and grateful for that...but somehow there is still this void, this hole, this empty spot that doesn't ever seem to get filled up. I don't know what it will take to fill it but it remains there loud and clear telling me at every moment it can that it's still there and vacant and still waiting to be filled.


Sometimes it's louder than normal and forces me to acknowledge it...other times it's like a low chirping in the background just there but not really THERE. It feels like sometimes we are pushing boulders up a hill....we work and sweat and struggle to get them all at the top only to push them down to watch them easily roll down to the bottom and then, up the hill again we go....why not just leave them there? Why do I think I have to keep rolling them up the hill?

Sometimes I think we make life so much harder that it has to be. That we become our own worst enemies and we put up all these road blocks and conditions to our own happiness. We must learn to become our own supporters. We spend so much time building up walls and we keep doing that until we meet that one person who can finally either climb over the walls or bust through them enough to let us know they are there. Is that what we really want?

Being housebound has me doing a lot more thinking of myself and my life as it is...not as I want it to be or hope it would be but as it IS. It's a little humbling to see things as they are right now and not wonder is this good enough? Is there room for more? Do I need more?

Thinking for one....your table is ready.

Separated but connected

Sometimes I feel so disconnected from everything around me. I am in the midst of a crowd, I am engaged, talking, moving, but in one blink of an eye I suddenly feel completely alone and disconnected from where I am. This confuses me greatly.

For instance, I arrive late to my team meeting that consists of about 15 people. I am slightly late so I am sort of banished to the back of the room in what I call the "time out" chair. There is no room in at the main table for me, nor is there a chair. There is however, 6/8 chairs that sit alone with a little table top and I sit in it feeling giant in a tiny chair and at the same time small and invisible as I sit at the back of the space staring blindly at the table full of people that seem fully engaged.

I could scoot right up to the table and force myself into this group, I've done that, but something sits in my gut that is just letting me feel the separation and the gap in my connection. Is it because I need to learn a lesson? Is it that I have to force myself to re-think or engage differently? Maybe....or maybe it's just my time to try to figure out what it really means?

I've often felt alone in a crowd....like I am here but not really HERE. I have discussed this several times with trained professionals, friends and random strangers....the conclusion is always the same...figure out what's missing. Learning to be present in our own lives is hard.

A friend of mine recently said to me "you always are living in the past or the future and you forget to live in the present." That's true, I can't deny it. But I'm not sure how to change that. There are many things I liked about my past that I wish I could keep, could hold on to, could continue to have but clearly the Universe has decided it's not to be because things have moved past that point. Then I plan for the future...I look ahead, I try to work with purpose and determination towards where I want to go, who I want to be, what I want to have...but then it makes me forget the present, the here and now.

I am focused now on my upcoming vacation. Everything I am doing in the next few weeks is around the fact that I will be gone for a week. So every meeting, every social event, every work schedule is based around when I won't be here....the future. So my present is muddled by my future. I can't really do much about the past except miss it..or laugh at it...or be glad it's just that - my past and hope I don't make the same mistakes moving forward...so again....the future. I try not to dwell on the past as I move ahead but how do you find the balance between the then and the now?

I remember as a kid, we always looked forward to things like spring break, or Christmas break, or anytime we were away from school...then when we were off we looked ahead, with some sort of dread, at the time we had to go back. No one really teaches us how to live in the moment. To be in this very place and time with purpose and conviction. As a matter of fact it's exhausting my brain right this very minute as I try to contemplate how exactly to do that.

How can I be where I am when I am always planning where I need to be? Good question isn't it. How can I remain separated from planning and learning to live?