Outside forces

Life is a constant moving force to be reckoned with. It comes at us so fast and hard that sometimes we just can't catch our breath. Then one day, one single moment, everything changes....stops. Suddenly all the chaos and hustle and bustle of real life no longer seems like it matters.

It can be an sudden unexpected death of a loved one, a break up, a job loss - any big life alteration that makes you stop and have to face the reality without the excuse of all the other busyness we fill our lives with.

Decisions have to be made fast and furious....and sometimes that's OK. We've created a lifestyle that works for us and we become comfortable with it. We make sure we are booked every minute, that we are constantly moving towards some goal we've set out there for us to reach and then suddenly, without warning, we have to refocus and shift our own lives.

Sometimes life has to slap us in the face before we stop and realize what we have and do isn't what we really want. Just for a little bit I'd like to believe that we are doing the right thing. That we are doing what we need to do for us for a better life for a better future....but we don't always get to control that. Personal issues cause a lot of in-balance in our lives. We constantly have to negotiate the difficult complicated choices we've made for ourselves. All the new experiences we experience come together to lead us off into another direction.

I think we tend to make life so hard on ourselves. We tend to stay in a life that continues to make us unhappy telling ourselves there isn't anything we can do about it. How come we continue to make these choices and then scream at the Universe....WHY ME?

I think it's time we start looking at finding little ways to make these changes without stopping our universes from crashing.

Time flies no matter what you do

You know that old saying...time flies when your having fun. It's true, but it also flies no matter what your doing.

In looking over my own calendar for the next two months, I barely have a day where something isn't written in for each day. Either meetings, phone calls, working, working my pt job, presenting, making chapter visits....my days are flying by. I barely have time to even do the fun little things I love like time with friends or family.

I realized with great sadness, that it's been months since I've seen some of my nieces and nephews. Not counting the ones out of state, I'm talking about the ones right here near me. Life is moving at such a whirl wind pace that I can't even find time to enjoy life.

Makes me wonder, why am I on this treadmill on constant activity? What am I racing to...or better yet, running from? What makes me constantly have to be somewhere or to be doing something? How much is too much?

When we begin to look at our lives in terms of time, it seems out of control. If we look at it in terms of what am I doing to effect (or is it affect??) the greater good, things that will leave their mark even after I'm gone - it's a different story. There is value in building relationships that last lifetimes...there is value in helping others see the good and amazing opportunities available to them....they all have purpose and meaning but lately I'm feeling lost in the maze that has become my life.

I jokingly ask why I am even paying rent. I virtually am home long enough to shower, do some laundry and then go to bed. I could live in a tiny little one room place and be quite content. Why didn't I actually consider that when I moved? Why did I think I needed all this space and stuff? Why do we constantly strive for things that don't really make us....us?

No matter what you do, time moves on. Children get older, friends find new friends and forget about partners....they just feel left behind. Unless they are running at the same pace, it just doesn't work. I realize balance is the key....I know that I can and should say NO to somethings but for right now, I have made a commitment that for the next year will keep me running at a fast pace. I need some other parts of my life to settle down or keep up...otherwise I'm going to lose control.

Like a car that just keeps going, you have to do some maintenance as well...so I am trying to find that balance, trying to be as creative with my time and meetings as possible. Trying to combine some fun with the frenzy so at the end of the day I can feel like it all matter....it does...just not in a real measurable way.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.......

Getting lost to get found

Sometimes we have to lose to win, get lost to get found. Make any sense to you? Cause it didn't to me until I started really thinking about it. Sometimes when we force ourselves to THINK about things we either muddle things up even more or create these situations that will never really actually come about and we end up so disappointed.

I've begun to realize the older I get how much time we waste hoping things will change, waiting for things to change....working in baby steps towards making things change but really, we don't have any control other than our own voice and our own choices. I recently was talking with a friend who was trying to make a plan for 5/6 months from now. We talked through different scenarios and laid out the plans, including all the "what if's" and the "maybe's" but still, we could really only talk it out. I began to realize with utter fear and frustration, that you can't really plan on anything.


I heard this speaker today going on and on about the choices we make in our lives. How we can't keep waiting for the WHAT IF'S or the MAYBE'S to happen. That each day is a choice and we are not promised tomorrow. He said "live each day as if it's last and eventually you are going to be right". That's really all we can depend on...the final result. He also talked about not settling...not giving into what is and to keep striving and working towards what it is you think you really want. If you don't know what that is keep fighting for it, keep looking. He talked about living each day to the best of your ability and if you find yourself waking up dreading what it is you are about to go give 8/10 hours of your life to then it's time to think about making a change. Made me really think and realize life is way to short to not enjoy it.

Why do we stay with people we aren't excited to be with, go to jobs that bring us no joy, do things we dread? I have to honestly stop and ask myself this question pretty hard.

Then I heard this story that I thought was pretty cool:

A six-old girl was at a drawing lesson, sitting at the back of the room because she rarely paid attention. However, on this particular day the little girl was very engaged. The teacher was interested in why the little girl was so engaged, so she went over to her and asked, “What are you drawing?” The girl said, “I’m drawing a picture of God.” The teacher replied, “But nobody knows what God looks like.” To which the little girl said very matter-of-factly, “They will in a minute.”

So what does your future look like?

Learn to become who you are

Some days it's really easy to be me. I wake up with a zest for my own life and I begin my day looking forward to all the new adventures that will come my way. Then there are those days that I can barely open my eyes and my soul seems closed off to anything and everything new that might come my way. Sometimes those days turn into weeks....and I find myself questioning who I have become. Who I have chosen to be, who I continue to work towards becoming.

I grew up the oldest girl and therefore had responsibilities thrust upon me before I could really understand what it meant. I grew up always taking care of someone else. Making sure my sisters got their homework done, the dishes were done, people were fed, no fighting, the house was picked up...to technically I was a housewife since about age 8. I remember one time when I was about 12 or 13 years old I was sitting with my mom in our living room and when my dad came home, he asked me what was for dinner. He specifically addressed me and asked me what was for dinner....I remember thinking that was cool...I loved that. I felt in charge and kind of like a big deal. Looking back on it however, it kind of blows.

I learned early on in life to take care of other people. To put their needs, wants and desires first and that's not a bad thing, but it kind of leaves me in a weird place now as a single adult. I no longer have anyone to do that for. For about 12 years I was an assistant of some type, I was always the go to, knowledgeable person and that worked for me. Within the last year and half to two years, I've become more of a solitary worker bee. I mostly have no interaction with other humans, I write and edit and stare at a computer screen or scour the Internet for data. Who have I chosen to become?

We make the choice to be who we are by the actions we do each and everyday. I'm a little worried I've chosen a path that isn't who I really am. Can you go back and re-trace your steps and by doing something as simple as making different choices, ultimately change your path?

Worth a try.

Sky's the limit - full of possibilites

There's nothing like change to make you appreciate what you had....have. There's nothing like change to snap you into waking up to all the possibilities life hands us everyday.

How do you know you won't like brussel sprouts if you actually never taste one? What if, by just trying one, you open yourself up to endless possibilities you didn't even know existed until you ate a brussel sprout. Now grant it, a brussel sprout can't change the world, but it can make a difference.

I was in Montreal, Canada last week, and despite my bum knee, I managed to hobble around enough to see some amazing sites. Some places I will probably never get back to in my life....so I took full advantage of the little bit of free time I did have. It was awesome. I would like to go back and see more but I'm thankful I had some time to see what I did. On the way there I was so focused on the week, the conference, my wardrobe for the week. So concentrating on where I had to be and when and how I was going to get there and would I get lost and would I know anyone and....and...and....I was so focused that I didn't realize we had hit turbulence outside the normal amount of turbulence. I mean I've flown a number of times and had the occasional bumpy ride, I even landed once in a thunderstorm. That scared the daylights out of me because a plane is a giant piece of metal and it felt like we were flying INTO the lightening. But this particular turbulence was different...it was super shaky....and we were in a smaller plane than I'm used too....two seats on each side....so we were shaking around pretty good. I didn't get worried until we did one of those drops....you know the kind where you sort of pop out of your seat and for one split second you are seat buckled in but yet you pop out of your seat. A collective gasp arose from the plane that made me so scared I thought I was going to pee.

When an entire plane gasps out loud....I think that's time to worry. I had a window seat and all I could see was white puffy clouds...I was praying to God (or whomever) that the pilot could see something more than me....the plane continued to shake about quite a bit and I couldn't help but cry. A tear ran down my cheek and the woman next to me, a complete stranger, offered me her hand and told me to just breathe.....it was the scariest few moments of my life. It literally only lasted a few minutes but it scared me. I began thinking after that....life is too short to be so focused and skipping the moment we are in. It was like the Universe was slapping me in the face saying STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE NEXT MOMENT AND THE NEXT MOMENT. FOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!

So I did...I focused on breathing and holding a complete strangers hand.

The sky's the limit....each and every day we have the opportunity to find new possibilities, new challenges, new roads to explore. How we choose to spend that time and that day is entirely up to us. We can be so focused on the next thing and the next thing and the next or we can try to see what each day and each moment offers us in terms of possibilities.

I've said it before, I'll say it again...it's hard to be an adult!

Looks good on paper

I have the worst time sleeping. It's been this way for awhile now. My mind usually crashes and burns about 11 p.m. and I sort of shut down...but what happens is I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and soundly but only for a few short hours. Apparently that's all my body/mind (not my soul!) needs to recharge and restart again. I wake up anywhere from 2 to 4 a.m. and I don't just wake up I WAKE UP totally and completely. It's pretty rare that I sleep past 5 a.m., even on weekends. What happens is I start thinking and I start processing and I start trying to get everything in it's place for the day and I can't make it stop. It's like I keep making these mental lists that just don't stop...the list grows and grows and sometimes I check things off but mostly I'm just adding and adding until I can't see straight.

The problem with the lists is I keep making them and I keep thinking about them and sometimes I get some stuff done but then so much more creeps up on on the new mental list that it keeps growing and morphing and changing and then I have to go to work and then my other job and then grocery shopping and then a meeting and then home and clean and cook and...and....and......then I'm so tired that I never actually get AT my lists and they nag and nag at me mentally until I can't take it anymore. It's kind of a vicious circle.

So....it was suggested that I start to create lists...physically write down all this "stuff". Have separate lists for all my thoughts...a work one, a personal one and so on and so on. A list for each segment of my life and I should physically write down and then ultimately cross off things as they come to me. The very act of doing this may help me actually get things off my mind and let me feel organized enough to do what it is I need to do.

So I started today.......I sat and made list upon list upon list and just kept adding and adding until I couldn't think any longer of one more thing to add to any of my sections. I'm not going to lie, the very act of writing down everything I need to do completely overwhelmed me at first. I was a little startled and overwhelmed with the amount of items on my lists. It doesn't help that July is kind of a crazy unusually busy month for me, but still...this explains a lot about why I can't get my mind to stop and slow down enough to settle and sleep. Plus being wounded and not being able to do my normal activities without pain is wearing on a girl. Still...making the list made me feel better overall and I have to say, on paper....I look pretty good and organized and kind of on top of things...but the reality is it feels a bit overwhelming in person and on my very soul.

So the next task it to take a few items every day off my list, to do a few things everyday that allow me to feel like I am moving TOWARDS something and not just sitting in place spinning my wheels. Easier said than done I know but it's worth a try. So perhaps sleep will come easier which will make the rest of all the thoughts cycling through my head settle into place and everyone can learn to live happily ever after. Now the trick is....how to I find the time to get at these items without staying up super late or getting up uber early. There has to be a balance. Oh one issues certainly feeds into another....one step at a time I guess...one step at a time. For now - the lists......

I can't shake this feeling

Something in my very being is telling me...no actually it's kind of shouting at me that something isn't right. That something just doesn't work...doesn't fit...isn't right. You ever have that feeling? It's like when you come home and you have this weird feeling that something is different, off, not normal...and you find that at some point during the day when you weren't home, a water leak happened above you and your bathroom is filled with about 2" of standing water. That weird, odd errie out of sorts feeling that something just isn't right is usually right.

Someone once tole me that we all create these pictures in our head, these images of how we perceive our own lives to be.....how we want them to be, how we plan and play it out in our brain. Maybe it's our subconscious or maybe it's a form of deep denial, but we hold onto these images of this life we've created in our head and we do everything in our power to work towards it, to have that life, that stuff, that person, that home or whatever it is we have convinced ourselves we need and that is the only way we can be content. That then, and only then, will we be happy. That when we reach that ever elusive perfect place in the world we have created in our heads, we can be truly happy...right? But what happens when that doesn't happen? How much to you constantly have to give up, give away, suck up before we change that picture? How many times do we have to tell ourselves "it's not that big of a deal...it doesn't' really matter...everything is fine, I don't mind". But the reality is - that's not the reality. I'm not saying we shouldn't have goals or dreams of a better life, but there's a fine line between reality and what we get.

"Let go. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen." If only it were that easy. Wouldn't that be magical if we could just do that! I know somethings not right, somethings not fitting but I can't quite tell what it is. Life is about growth and change and momentum and the ability we have as humans to constantly be learning and changing and seeking new opportunities...but at what point does it become...for lack of a better word...pointless? I know, most people would say as long as you are here and breathing it's not pointless...but really.....when do you stop and accept what is right in front of you and learn to be happy and content with what you have, where you are and who you have crafted yourself out to be? When does this "feeling" ever go away? And should it?

Is it the perfect job? House? Spouse? Child? Friends? What is the answer? Is it a combination, an additional thing....what is this elusive IT that makes things just feel right and good and dare I say "normal"? And do we really ever get it? I've been down so many paths in my life in search of this unknown, unseen thing....I keep thinking it's down this path...no wait...it's over here, wait - whoops, nope....wrong again...it must actually be over here. It's exhausting. It's soul sucking and exhausting to be constantly searching for something that quite possibly doesn't exist.

So...that just leaves the inevitable questions....what now? How do you quiet your soul enough to settle into the perfectly content, happy little life it has created and make it be OK? How do you get the core of who you are to accept and be content in the life it has? Or is it a constant battle and really the only actual answer is not to be found.

Ahhh, the question without answers has surfaced yet again.