or in my case, a watched toaster never toasts. It may be because the toaster her at work is the SLOWEST toaster ever invented, but it literally takes forever to toast a single slice of toast.
I may have mentioned this before, but I am kind a creature of routine. I do what works for me, mostly. I've tried to change, tried to "upgrade" my life but I can't do it, I like what I got and it works for me, so I've quit fighting it. I get up, get ready and leave....all in anticipation of that nice hot cup of coffee from our cafeteria. It's good coffee, it's Caribou, so it's not like I'm drinking some generic coffee, and it's $1.27 for a big cup. Now if I bring my own mug it's only $1.21...and I've tried, I've tried several times. I have several of those cute reusable mugs that I lose. Yes, I lose. I for some reason can not train myself to hang onto them. I either throw them away, not thinking I toss them in the trash only to remember horrifically later I did it or I leave them some place, can't remember where, or I forget them at home, at work, in my car and they begin to grow all kinds of funky things because they haven't been washed...so I get the good old disposable paper cup...yes I know...I'm not green...or earth friendly or whatever. It's who I am, I've accepted it...you might as well too. In an attempt to "help me", my bestie got me a super cute cup that was not only pink (my favorite color) but it had OUR pictures on it. So #1 if I left it behind someone could easily identify me, the owner, by my photo, and #2 who would throw out their bestie?
So I proudly use(d) it...I cleaned it too so as to not grow funkiness in my besties cup....here's the problem...I can't find it. It's not at work, it's not tumbling around in my car, it's not at home and it's not at my second job......so where in the world are the besties? Yikes...I can only imagine the adventure it's having. Hoping to find it again, but the point is, I'm a creature of habit, of routine, of what works for me. So I bring bread to toast...usually about 8:30 a.m. I get hungry...I get a rumbly in my tummy that only a slice of peanut butter toast can fill. So I take my trusty peanut butter (oh and that's a whole other story, but don't sway from what you like...I like my Smart Balance chunky peanut butter, when I try to switch, I'm always disappointed...anyway), my bread and I go to the slowest toaster in history and wait.
Here's where the "watched pot" comes into play. As I stand there mindlessly willing the toaster to toast faster there is a lot of activity in the break area where the toaster is. There are two microwaves, a refrigerator, a sink, and our mail bins all in this back break area, so there is lots of morning hub-bub. The toaster is next to the sink...seems wrong somehow doesn't it? water/electricity? But I stand there and I watch the glowing of the coils trying to cook my bread, a coworker walks in to heat water, we have a very surface level conversation about him nuking his water for tea, he is trying to save money by switching from coffee to tea.
He brings his own cup but still thinks $1.21 is too much to pay for coffee, we discuss the pros of making it at home and bringing it in as well as a thermos. He says he can't do that because he doesn't' get up early enough to make coffee. Really? It takes like 5 minutes, less time that it does for this freaking toaster to make toast, but OK, I can respect that.....so he's trying tea. OK, rock on with your bad self, I'm sticking to coffee. I then suggest setting a timer and preparing it the night before. He says can't, we are a - and he used air quotes on this phrase - "green household". Interested I ask what does that mean. He said we unplug all unnecessary appliances because it saves like $5 a month on electricity. Curious, I asked more....what? What do you consider "unnecessary"? He says things like the toaster, the blender, the coffee maker, the food processor - all things I barely even know how to use much less own, but OK. I was curious. I've not heard of that. My friend did tell me to unplug my air conditioner unit in the winter as just having it pluged in sucks energy but I thought just because it was a big old window unit. Makes sense I guess.
He leaves and then there is that awkward moment when there is someone left at the sink who apparently is washing his cup like it was soaked in fuel or buried in the ground for days. He's using one of the "high quality" paper towels that shreds the second water touches it, to scrub every nook and cranny of his reusable coffee mug. He makes some comment about why he's working so hard to clean coffee from his coffee cup and I do the polite laughter like it's funny. He makes some comment about how if we were kids we couldn't care how clean this was, that we would drop it in the sand and then just pick it up and drink from it. More polite laughter. Then I then say something like you know, if the coffee is hot enough, it will just melt the old coffee right into the new and you'll never know. He now does the polite laughter back, hesitates, then begins to scrub his cup harder. I've probably installed some new fear into him.
So when my toast is finally ready, I douse it in peanut butter and make the trek back to my desk but it makes me think about how our interactions, even for just minutes, make lasting impressions on ourselves and others. I was going through my house in my mind trying to see what I could unplug to save $5 bucks! My friend and I joke that we are "spreading our joy" when we have these interactions, but what if it's not "joy" we are leaving behind? I worry that I've caused great stress for this poor gentleman at the sink.
Maybe there is more to this world than just our little bubble. Who would have known?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Walk the path less traveled and discover who you really are
The other day I had a conversation with my bestie about expectations. We talked about how we are constantly disappointed and she wondered if we have set our own expectations too high. Do we expect others to be perfect?
This led into a long conversation about what we SHOULD expect from others, including ourselves, and I added from my job/career. Her stance was we have these expectations that we put out there and we can't possibly expect anyone else to live up to that, we can't put that on someone else. We have to understand that is not really fair to the other person. I immediately wanted to argue this point....maybe not argue, possibly "discuss". I said wait....why do we have to settle? Why do we have to compromise, to give in, to forgo what it is we say we want or need from something or someone. She "discussed" back with me...I'm not talking about settling...and from my side, it's all I could see. So we talked more about it...and her point was this:
If you are expecting a certain outcome from a situation and you don't get it, your disappointed. I agreed. So then change your expectation. I say so I should settle...I should settle for something I don't really want so the other person/thing is happy? Clearly we were not communicating. Then our time together was up. We agreed to think about it and talk again later on it....but as usual, I can't just let it go. My mind, if not otherwise occupied, continues to dwell on and "spin" and process this conversation over and over and over. It's very difficult to have a one sided conversation.
So when I woke up at 3 a.m. my mind immediately started pondering this thought again. Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself and ultimately for others? I'll use my job as an example. Four years ago I was dissatisfied with my job. I felt it was lacking any purpose. Sure I was a rock star of an Executive Assistant, always, well mostly always, the go-to person. The one with my "finger on the pulse". I got stuff done. But one day it just wasn't enough. I began to feel unproductive, unnecessary, no longer feeling like I was contributing at the level I needed to be fully engaged. I had a heart-to-heart with my boss who convinced me to get my degree. I had a 2 year degree and only 2 more years and I could have my 4 year degree. In our conversations it make me believe and trust that with a 4 year degree doors would open wide for me. My world, at least my professional world, would become this deeply satisfying and rewarding experience I needed it to be. So I went, I did and I got it.
Hmmm, here's the thing. No doors magically appeared or opened. Nothing really changed...not like I EXPECTED it to. So...I changed my expectations...I settled. I worked and changed my thinking and did everything I was supposed to do expecting an outcome that never came. Now what. OK....so my boss helped me develop into a new position....full of possibilities....so I move down that path...now 3 years later, here I am...expecting something more, something new, something outside of what has now become the norm. How do I keep trudging down paths only to find myself settling into whatever place I'm at. Am I being stubborn or blind to what it means to have no expectations of others? I don't get it.
I'm even more confused now that I try to put this into perspective in my own everyday life. Do we expect too much from the world? How do you stop? What's the difference between expecting and giving up?
Every time I start with a question, it seems to lead to more questions. Why is that?
This led into a long conversation about what we SHOULD expect from others, including ourselves, and I added from my job/career. Her stance was we have these expectations that we put out there and we can't possibly expect anyone else to live up to that, we can't put that on someone else. We have to understand that is not really fair to the other person. I immediately wanted to argue this point....maybe not argue, possibly "discuss". I said wait....why do we have to settle? Why do we have to compromise, to give in, to forgo what it is we say we want or need from something or someone. She "discussed" back with me...I'm not talking about settling...and from my side, it's all I could see. So we talked more about it...and her point was this:
If you are expecting a certain outcome from a situation and you don't get it, your disappointed. I agreed. So then change your expectation. I say so I should settle...I should settle for something I don't really want so the other person/thing is happy? Clearly we were not communicating. Then our time together was up. We agreed to think about it and talk again later on it....but as usual, I can't just let it go. My mind, if not otherwise occupied, continues to dwell on and "spin" and process this conversation over and over and over. It's very difficult to have a one sided conversation.
So when I woke up at 3 a.m. my mind immediately started pondering this thought again. Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself and ultimately for others? I'll use my job as an example. Four years ago I was dissatisfied with my job. I felt it was lacking any purpose. Sure I was a rock star of an Executive Assistant, always, well mostly always, the go-to person. The one with my "finger on the pulse". I got stuff done. But one day it just wasn't enough. I began to feel unproductive, unnecessary, no longer feeling like I was contributing at the level I needed to be fully engaged. I had a heart-to-heart with my boss who convinced me to get my degree. I had a 2 year degree and only 2 more years and I could have my 4 year degree. In our conversations it make me believe and trust that with a 4 year degree doors would open wide for me. My world, at least my professional world, would become this deeply satisfying and rewarding experience I needed it to be. So I went, I did and I got it.
Hmmm, here's the thing. No doors magically appeared or opened. Nothing really changed...not like I EXPECTED it to. So...I changed my expectations...I settled. I worked and changed my thinking and did everything I was supposed to do expecting an outcome that never came. Now what. OK....so my boss helped me develop into a new position....full of possibilities....so I move down that path...now 3 years later, here I am...expecting something more, something new, something outside of what has now become the norm. How do I keep trudging down paths only to find myself settling into whatever place I'm at. Am I being stubborn or blind to what it means to have no expectations of others? I don't get it.
I'm even more confused now that I try to put this into perspective in my own everyday life. Do we expect too much from the world? How do you stop? What's the difference between expecting and giving up?
Every time I start with a question, it seems to lead to more questions. Why is that?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Somebody that I used to know
Years ago I was inseparable from a friend. We lived together, we worked together, we socialized together...we were the dynamic duo...well, we were a duo. We mostly had a really good time. We became the people that hosted events, that created outings - we were the "it" set of friends that were kind of the core to a larger group. Then things changed.
For one reason or another we all decided it was time to spread our wings in all different directions and suddenly, this group was no more. At first we tried hard to keep it going, we emailed, we called, we set up outings but as time kept pulling us forward, all in different directions, it got harder and harder to stay a cohesive group. So we all sort of formed new groups, separate from the original pod that we were. We somehow, over time, have become someone I used to know...including myself. I no longer even feel like I know who I am.
It's funny really, when you think about it. Our lives were so connected. Our inner workings were so attached to each other that we knew things about each other that most people probably don't but we did. We shared out joys, our pains, our laughter.....our mocking of each other for our dumb mistakes. We had Wednesday Martini nights that left us quite hung over and in a haze just long enough for us to recover and come together again on Friday or Saturday night and again laugh and play until we had go home for some rest. I miss that connection with people. I miss the idea that I, nor anyone one really, was ever really alone. We always had some connection. If it wasn't a week day movie night or dinner appointment it was constant email chatter. I know life changes....people change....but for some reason today that moment in my life popped into my head and made me a little melancholy for the old days. I loved that time, I cherish that time, heck that even formed some of who I am today....but it's behind me....it's just something that i used to know.
Somehow the choices we make change our friendships and all the relationships in our lives. We choose to buy a new car and have expensive things so in trade we work 2/3 jobs to afford it. What do we lose in the end? Friends, time, family....connections. We choose a partner who wants something different than we do...we choose to embrace that and go with them....and we lose again. Why does it seem that we make choices only to end up losing things in the end?
A few years back I had my "year of no rules". Not gonna lie, it was good. It was damn good. I did things I never would have imagined myself doing, I went places, I saw things - I had fun....but fun always has to end. Reality came crashing in when I convinced myself I could live in that world. No one, especially no one of my age, can live a lifestyle like that. It's just not possible...so I lost. I lost out and had to choose another path, another option, another way to spend my energy and time. So I embraced it...I charged ahead vowing to make it new and different that before, tired of the same old ways. I certainly couldn't go back to the life I had before and I surly could not continue on the decadent path I had been pursuing...so I settled into a life. I got into a rhythm and I coasted...I coasted along for almost 2 years trying to convince myself I was going somewhere.
The elusive "somewhere". I wish it were pin pointed on a map so I could at least see how far off I was. What are the coordinates of "somewhere" anyway. Somewhere can't possibly be HERE. This can't be the place I end up....not that it's so terrible, but it's just not enough. It's just not a place I imagined myself.....like in a song. I imagine my life to be like the Katy Perry song Fireworks....Come on let your colors burn....I imagine my life to be like that....a firework, big and bright and amazing and shiny. Wonder how that job description would read?
I recently spent some time with my 9 year-old nephew who normally is bouncing off the walls with energy but he was this kind of quiet, introspective little man. We went to the sculptor gardens and he spend a lot of time looking at each statue, investigating them, really looking at them and he would tell me a few times "Auntie, slow down, look at this...no really look at this." It surprised me.....not just because he is a 9 year-old boy, but that he was reminding me to stop and look and to really look...not just see but to really SEE what we were looking at. I imagine if any of the artists could have overheard him they would have been over joyed at a young man really appreciating their work.
So, how did I become somebody that I used to know and how do I get it back? How do I remind myself to slow down and see what is right in front of me instead of fighting so hard for the maybe or the possible...how do you stop and settle for the what is? Maybe my nephew has that answer to?
For one reason or another we all decided it was time to spread our wings in all different directions and suddenly, this group was no more. At first we tried hard to keep it going, we emailed, we called, we set up outings but as time kept pulling us forward, all in different directions, it got harder and harder to stay a cohesive group. So we all sort of formed new groups, separate from the original pod that we were. We somehow, over time, have become someone I used to know...including myself. I no longer even feel like I know who I am.
It's funny really, when you think about it. Our lives were so connected. Our inner workings were so attached to each other that we knew things about each other that most people probably don't but we did. We shared out joys, our pains, our laughter.....our mocking of each other for our dumb mistakes. We had Wednesday Martini nights that left us quite hung over and in a haze just long enough for us to recover and come together again on Friday or Saturday night and again laugh and play until we had go home for some rest. I miss that connection with people. I miss the idea that I, nor anyone one really, was ever really alone. We always had some connection. If it wasn't a week day movie night or dinner appointment it was constant email chatter. I know life changes....people change....but for some reason today that moment in my life popped into my head and made me a little melancholy for the old days. I loved that time, I cherish that time, heck that even formed some of who I am today....but it's behind me....it's just something that i used to know.
Somehow the choices we make change our friendships and all the relationships in our lives. We choose to buy a new car and have expensive things so in trade we work 2/3 jobs to afford it. What do we lose in the end? Friends, time, family....connections. We choose a partner who wants something different than we do...we choose to embrace that and go with them....and we lose again. Why does it seem that we make choices only to end up losing things in the end?
A few years back I had my "year of no rules". Not gonna lie, it was good. It was damn good. I did things I never would have imagined myself doing, I went places, I saw things - I had fun....but fun always has to end. Reality came crashing in when I convinced myself I could live in that world. No one, especially no one of my age, can live a lifestyle like that. It's just not possible...so I lost. I lost out and had to choose another path, another option, another way to spend my energy and time. So I embraced it...I charged ahead vowing to make it new and different that before, tired of the same old ways. I certainly couldn't go back to the life I had before and I surly could not continue on the decadent path I had been pursuing...so I settled into a life. I got into a rhythm and I coasted...I coasted along for almost 2 years trying to convince myself I was going somewhere.
The elusive "somewhere". I wish it were pin pointed on a map so I could at least see how far off I was. What are the coordinates of "somewhere" anyway. Somewhere can't possibly be HERE. This can't be the place I end up....not that it's so terrible, but it's just not enough. It's just not a place I imagined myself.....like in a song. I imagine my life to be like the Katy Perry song Fireworks....Come on let your colors burn....I imagine my life to be like that....a firework, big and bright and amazing and shiny. Wonder how that job description would read?
I recently spent some time with my 9 year-old nephew who normally is bouncing off the walls with energy but he was this kind of quiet, introspective little man. We went to the sculptor gardens and he spend a lot of time looking at each statue, investigating them, really looking at them and he would tell me a few times "Auntie, slow down, look at this...no really look at this." It surprised me.....not just because he is a 9 year-old boy, but that he was reminding me to stop and look and to really look...not just see but to really SEE what we were looking at. I imagine if any of the artists could have overheard him they would have been over joyed at a young man really appreciating their work.
So, how did I become somebody that I used to know and how do I get it back? How do I remind myself to slow down and see what is right in front of me instead of fighting so hard for the maybe or the possible...how do you stop and settle for the what is? Maybe my nephew has that answer to?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Chasing firefly's
When I was a kid, one of my favorite things in the summer was to chase and capture firefly’s or “lightening bugs” as we used to call them. I remember finding an old mason jar, poking holes in the lid with a screw driver and then waiting. I would sit and wait for them to show themselves….to emit a tiny little flash of light and I would chase them with breathless hope, and capture them. They were now mine. They were bright and shiny and for a short time, they made me really happy. The elusive bright, shiny thing we tell ourselves we “have to have” to be happy. I remember the times I would not actually capture any and I would be heart broken. My world just didn’t seem as bright.
As we get older, we stop doing those simple things and move into something more, something bigger. Instead of chasing the elusive firefly, we chase the perfect mate, the most amazing job, the shiny car….the things we think add value to our lives when in turn, they are just something fleeting we have. We cling to these new things so hard and so long and when their bright shininess fades, we look for something new to fill it. When the perfect mate we thought would be with us forever, leaves us, or we chose to leave them, we find something shiner and new to replace it. When a job no longer fulfills our needs, our corporate hope to climb the later we find something new. We are always running after something with such abandonment that we may forget to enjoy the light it brings to us right now.
When is enough enough?
At times I wish I could go back to the simpler time in life. When it meant something to go out and play. When you learned from your friends where baby's really came from....that they didn't come from a stork or by finding a half-dollar under your pillow. Now there are video games or a million TV channels to distract and teach children more about life that they really need to know and forget about all the stuff they have access to via the Internet. Makes one's head spin. Even at my old age I learn so many things from just "surfing". I miss the simple life. When you cut your finger and became a "blood" sister with your best friend. When chasing firefly's was what was the entertainment for any night.
These days there is so much we use to distract ourselves, TV, jobs, bars, events, clubs....everything we do is to create that bigger and better life we think we need to have. How does one go back to just needing the simple things in life. The easy peasy times? I envision a life of less stress almost everyday, now just need to get me a mason jar and start enjoying.
As we get older, we stop doing those simple things and move into something more, something bigger. Instead of chasing the elusive firefly, we chase the perfect mate, the most amazing job, the shiny car….the things we think add value to our lives when in turn, they are just something fleeting we have. We cling to these new things so hard and so long and when their bright shininess fades, we look for something new to fill it. When the perfect mate we thought would be with us forever, leaves us, or we chose to leave them, we find something shiner and new to replace it. When a job no longer fulfills our needs, our corporate hope to climb the later we find something new. We are always running after something with such abandonment that we may forget to enjoy the light it brings to us right now.
When is enough enough?
At times I wish I could go back to the simpler time in life. When it meant something to go out and play. When you learned from your friends where baby's really came from....that they didn't come from a stork or by finding a half-dollar under your pillow. Now there are video games or a million TV channels to distract and teach children more about life that they really need to know and forget about all the stuff they have access to via the Internet. Makes one's head spin. Even at my old age I learn so many things from just "surfing". I miss the simple life. When you cut your finger and became a "blood" sister with your best friend. When chasing firefly's was what was the entertainment for any night.
These days there is so much we use to distract ourselves, TV, jobs, bars, events, clubs....everything we do is to create that bigger and better life we think we need to have. How does one go back to just needing the simple things in life. The easy peasy times? I envision a life of less stress almost everyday, now just need to get me a mason jar and start enjoying.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Taking care of those you love
The other day after eating my buffet lunch I opened my fortune cookie which read "you have a strong instinct to take care of the people you love”. At first I was rather disappointed it wasn't something more profound.....more wisdom filled but then I thought “isn’t that true about everyone? Doesn’t everyone want to take care of those they love?” I realized suddenly, with great sadness, No, that’s not necessarily the truth. I mean I think we’d like it to be, but really, it’s not. Sometimes the one’s we love don’t get the best from us, the love and attention that they deserve.
In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed life, our jobs/work/careers or whatever label you want to give it, but we talked about it on a different level. I was saying how important it is for me personally, to feel needed, connected or that what I am doing was making a difference in the bigger picture or I am not feeling it...not feeling the joy of working. Then it turned to discussing how many of us get our validation and self-worth from our jobs.
Her comment was a job should never define who we are and yet I thought, it does. I know many people who work like crazy, even at the expense of their loved ones. How many people do you know that work more than they spend time with their families? It’s kind of the way we are expected to be. It’s called the "rat race" for a reason…right?
A job is defined as: a paid position of regular employment. Basically you work for money. When I have enough I’ll do what I really want to do and then I’ll be happy? Do you think having enough ever happens? Really?
The word career comes from the French word carrier, meaning: “race course”. For many that’s what a career is, an never ending race that just leaves you running towards anything meaningful to hold on to. What are we running to and ultimately running from?
I’m almost always one of the first people at work in the morning. I love this time before the office comes alive and full of the daily hub-bub. I like the quiet, the calm, the time I can do what I need to do without fighting anyone for the printer or over-hearing all the escapades of their night before. It’s quiet. I can’t even believe I am saying this, but I like the quiet during this time…..in the morning.
When the day begins you get caught up in all the daily grind of phones, emails, deadlines, meetings and the hurry up mentality that the corporate world offers. Hurry up and do this…oh wait, now we don’t want to use it or do that anymore…not go do this…but hurry. Hurry from this meeting to that meeting where we will talk things to death but never really accomplish anything....of real importance...just keep on keeping on. Ahhh, the rat race is a good place….if only there was some good cheese at the end.
So this brings me back to my original thought….taking care of those you love. I have lots of people in my life I love…and in turn I would love to and I do love to take care of them…but here's where I started thinking.....why don't we include ourselves in that? Why aren't we part of "the people we love"? I was a little surprised at myself....all I could think about was how lucky I am to have some amazing people in my life that I get to call family and friends that I would do anything for....and I do, I change my life around all the time to accommodate their wants and needs but I can't tell you the last time I've done that for ME.
Funny isn't it....we never stop to think about ourselves as being someone we should love. Hmm, perhaps a glass of wine and some good cheese is needed to ponder this more.
In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed life, our jobs/work/careers or whatever label you want to give it, but we talked about it on a different level. I was saying how important it is for me personally, to feel needed, connected or that what I am doing was making a difference in the bigger picture or I am not feeling it...not feeling the joy of working. Then it turned to discussing how many of us get our validation and self-worth from our jobs.
Her comment was a job should never define who we are and yet I thought, it does. I know many people who work like crazy, even at the expense of their loved ones. How many people do you know that work more than they spend time with their families? It’s kind of the way we are expected to be. It’s called the "rat race" for a reason…right?
A job is defined as: a paid position of regular employment. Basically you work for money. When I have enough I’ll do what I really want to do and then I’ll be happy? Do you think having enough ever happens? Really?
The word career comes from the French word carrier, meaning: “race course”. For many that’s what a career is, an never ending race that just leaves you running towards anything meaningful to hold on to. What are we running to and ultimately running from?
I’m almost always one of the first people at work in the morning. I love this time before the office comes alive and full of the daily hub-bub. I like the quiet, the calm, the time I can do what I need to do without fighting anyone for the printer or over-hearing all the escapades of their night before. It’s quiet. I can’t even believe I am saying this, but I like the quiet during this time…..in the morning.
When the day begins you get caught up in all the daily grind of phones, emails, deadlines, meetings and the hurry up mentality that the corporate world offers. Hurry up and do this…oh wait, now we don’t want to use it or do that anymore…not go do this…but hurry. Hurry from this meeting to that meeting where we will talk things to death but never really accomplish anything....of real importance...just keep on keeping on. Ahhh, the rat race is a good place….if only there was some good cheese at the end.
So this brings me back to my original thought….taking care of those you love. I have lots of people in my life I love…and in turn I would love to and I do love to take care of them…but here's where I started thinking.....why don't we include ourselves in that? Why aren't we part of "the people we love"? I was a little surprised at myself....all I could think about was how lucky I am to have some amazing people in my life that I get to call family and friends that I would do anything for....and I do, I change my life around all the time to accommodate their wants and needs but I can't tell you the last time I've done that for ME.
Funny isn't it....we never stop to think about ourselves as being someone we should love. Hmm, perhaps a glass of wine and some good cheese is needed to ponder this more.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Perception is reality
What you see is what you believe...or at least that's what we've been taught. The old saying "Oh I'll believe it when I see it" is proof enough that in order for us to believe, we need to see with our own eyes.
Sometimes I wonder, is perception really reality? Take for instance Valentines Day. This is, after all, the day one is supposed to profess their undying love and affection for their one true love in the form of flowers/candy/dinner/or other adult like activities. But in reality, what is love?
Love - to feel something bigger than yourself. To want someones happiness as much as you want your own. To know, without a doubt, there is a mate to your soul.
So much pressure comes attached to this day. If you’re new into a relationship, it’s pure torture! Do you jump in with both feet and profess your love, attraction, intent? Do you take a casual approach? If you’re into a relationship, even more pressure. Flowers? Dinner? Sweet, sweet love? Where is the line in the sand? What do we expect from our partner and what do they expect from us?
The perception is that this day is for love, the reality is that unless your in love, falling in love or in a relationship, this day is NOT for you. If your among the many single, bitter, unloveables out there, this day blows and there are all the retail reminders to just drive it home.
At some point, a person has to take stock of their life and accept that perception is other peoples reality. If I "appear" together, happy, smart, organized, prepared....people will believe that. If I appear crazy, out of control, loud, obnoxious, people will believe that....so, perception does become reality. The question I'm asking is when does a person stop, take stock of the life they have and accept the reality. How do you quit fighting against all the things you are and just learn to live? Do we ever become accustomed to our own reality? And if so, do we then change our own perception?
Sometimes I wonder, is perception really reality? Take for instance Valentines Day. This is, after all, the day one is supposed to profess their undying love and affection for their one true love in the form of flowers/candy/dinner/or other adult like activities. But in reality, what is love?
Love - to feel something bigger than yourself. To want someones happiness as much as you want your own. To know, without a doubt, there is a mate to your soul.
So much pressure comes attached to this day. If you’re new into a relationship, it’s pure torture! Do you jump in with both feet and profess your love, attraction, intent? Do you take a casual approach? If you’re into a relationship, even more pressure. Flowers? Dinner? Sweet, sweet love? Where is the line in the sand? What do we expect from our partner and what do they expect from us?
The perception is that this day is for love, the reality is that unless your in love, falling in love or in a relationship, this day is NOT for you. If your among the many single, bitter, unloveables out there, this day blows and there are all the retail reminders to just drive it home.
At some point, a person has to take stock of their life and accept that perception is other peoples reality. If I "appear" together, happy, smart, organized, prepared....people will believe that. If I appear crazy, out of control, loud, obnoxious, people will believe that....so, perception does become reality. The question I'm asking is when does a person stop, take stock of the life they have and accept the reality. How do you quit fighting against all the things you are and just learn to live? Do we ever become accustomed to our own reality? And if so, do we then change our own perception?
Friday, February 3, 2012
Learning to live with regret
Regret, like old friends, often comes back into your life.
We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.
I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.
I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.
It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.
My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.
I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.
I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?
Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.
No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.
Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.
We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.
I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.
I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.
It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.
My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.
I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.
I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?
Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.
No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.
Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.
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