Gently falling

As I laid on the couch last night staring out the window at the gently falling snow pondering life I thought about how fast life changes. How quickly things go from good to bad and visa verse. As I thought back over my year and all the ups and downs I realized how fast life does change. Between my parents health issues, finishing school, working both full time and part time and the disaster of a mess I've made of my personal life.....it changes in the blink of an eye.

I started this year planning on a NO RULES kind of year and mostly I had that but even the best laid plans have their flaws. NO RULES does have it's consequences as well. Can't really have a NO RULES plan without a consequences plan. There was the flaw in my plan. I wanted to live a life without thinking, without planning, without anything and the problem was that when you do that, it upsets the delicate balance of life and things change. Things happen and you can't avoid them.

I let myself go down a new and unknown path, I experienced life in a out loud kind of way and I challenged myself to live a life I never expected I could. I had fun in the moment but my heart kind of took a beating. It's funny the things we forget about on our journey to find ourselves. I forget we are one whole package, we are one being and everything is dependant on something else. We can't live a life without seeing the entire picture. I spent a lot of time this year thinking. I don't know that I am very good at thinking outside of myself.

So....once I figured that out and got back on some kind of track it was late in the year and now here we are at the end of the year and as I look back on the entire year I think it was OK. It wasn't a terrible year, it wasn't my best but it wasn't OK. I did a lot of new things, I expanded my circle of life in lots of new and exciting ways and had fun while I did it but now as I sit here planning my new year I wonder what will I be thinking at the end of 2010?

Right now I feel pretty average, pretty middle of the road, kinda blah. I don't feel like I have a plan for the new year, I don't really feel like making one either. This year is so close to being over and I really need to make some decisions about next year but I am a little unsure about making plans for the new year....I suppose if I don't plan it however, it will plan itself. So I better make some decisions.

I am lucky enough to have some amazing friends that have stood by me through the thick and thin of this year and my family who are the most resilient group of people I have ever known. I have my health and I have a job and I have a place to lay my head at night. Overall I have an abundance of things that I don't really count every day and who knows what tomorrow will bring but for now...I have enough. I am enough. I do enough. I am OK.

2010 is so full of potential right now that it kind of scares me and at the same time feels so amazing. I want to ask for so much for myself for this year but I am afraid to ask for it in fear that I won't get it. I want to ask for love, happiness, peace, health, friends and fortune. Not to much to ask for is it?

It's snowing again as I am sitting here and from my windows it makes the world look like a snow globe. I want to grab it and shake it and see where it all settles. Gently falling flakes fall and blow around with no care where they land. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. No planning, no hoping it just is.

We could learn a lot from a snowflake. They don't care where they land or what they do, their only job is to fall gently and quietly from the sky and settle where they land. Here's hoping that 2010 let's us all settle where we land.

Bring on 2010