Sometimes slapping on a coat of lipstick on can make the worst day even better. I've been sleeping like crap lately and thus it reflects in how I look and feel. Yesterday was the height of my sleeplessness and I felt pretty worn out by about 9am. I slapped on some lipstick and suddenly things seemed right.
Maybe I'm imagining it but I think people treat you differently when you wear lipstick. It seems to say I know what I am doing and you must listen to me....I wish it said I am the queen and you must do my bidding but I'll settle for people listening to me. Having said that, I admit, I am not the best listener. I've been working hard at changing that and I really admire people that do listen and not only listen, but hear you. Sometimes out of the blue they will quote back something you've said and honestly I vaguely remember even saying it but it floods back into my memory and I'm amazed that they retained that information. Because I've been so sleep deprived I've been filling my mornings with coffee (I don't drink caffeine past noon) and yesterday afternoon I had to go for a walk to shake off the busy day (I am a PowerPoint goddess!) and I went to the Caribou where my favorite employee is. He is super perky, always remembers what you like to drink and is just super pleasant to spend some time with....if he were only straight I'd take him home and keep him forever. So I drag my sorry butt into the Caribou and he greets me and shouts out my order before I even have to say what it is I want. He also remembers to make it decaf.....he freaking remembered! I remarked on it and he said "Girl I know you can't do caffeine past noon....I'm here for you." I almost cried. It's the little things isn't it, that bring us unexpected joy.
As I enjoyed my delicious beverage I began to think about how cool that was that he took the time to remember something about me, a complete stranger and then I started to think about all the people I have in my life that I've experienced those little moments with......like my distaste for dark beer, my hatred of green beans, Jell-O and other flesh like foods.......people remember things. How can I be a better rememberer? Is that even a word?
Sometimes I have moments where I remember conversations or incidents and I think Oh I have to remember that and almost as soon as I say it....I've lost it. I realize it's a skill I can improve on but I really admire that in another person. I think that level of connection with another person is essential.
Right now work is at warp speed, we have a major meeting next week and at the end of this month that we are really behind the 8 ball on and we are working like mad to get ready for so I feel good about the fact that I am so busy I can't see straight but worried about the lull after this rush is over. Where's my lipstick?
So....until things settle down I plan to carry a lot of lipstick. Isn't this funny that all this came about from a fresh coat of lipstick?
Got lipstick?
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The calm before the storm or the storm before the calm?
I used to freak out all the time at the dumbest things. I'd get a flat tire on my car and think I had to sell my car....sadly that's a true story....but I think as I've gotten older I freak out less....well maybe only once a day?
Right now I feel a little freaked out...I feel a little out of control of my own life and my own time and that is freaking me out a little. I love dead trees, those spindly, barren empty trees that seems to stand alone and proud in a field with there spiky branches sprawled out for the world....love them. I've been having trouble sleeping the past few nights and last night was the
worst. I went to bed about 11pm (my normal bedtime) and I could not go to sleep, I just tossed and turned forever. Finally I got up about 2am and read some of my accounting/finance book in a warm bath thinking that would lull me into a coma....nothing....the water got cold, the reading blurred my brain but sleep did not come. I headed back into bed a little after 3am and finally dozed off only to have the freakiest dream ever!
I was in my apt packing up and I went into my bedroom and there was a giant dead tree growing in the corner of my room. At first I was like how cool then I was like....how in the
hell am I going to move that? Why I thought I had to move it is beyond me but I knew I had to. So I pulled at it and pulled at it and one of my neighbors saw me trying to pull it down the hall so he went and got a shopping cart for me....we somehow got it in there and wheeled it to my new apt and when I opened the door the living room was filled with dead trees. What the hell?
Clearly my lack of sleep is due to my move, school, homework, my life but man...what do the dead trees mean? I must google that. Hmm, that google is a good thing....here's the gist of
what I found about a tree in your dream:
What the heck! How do those two things relate....I am wasting my time and somethings amiss with my nature? I may have to ponder this. Hmm.
Happy new year to me huh!
Right now I feel a little freaked out...I feel a little out of control of my own life and my own time and that is freaking me out a little. I love dead trees, those spindly, barren empty trees that seems to stand alone and proud in a field with there spiky branches sprawled out for the world....love them. I've been having trouble sleeping the past few nights and last night was the
worst. I went to bed about 11pm (my normal bedtime) and I could not go to sleep, I just tossed and turned forever. Finally I got up about 2am and read some of my accounting/finance book in a warm bath thinking that would lull me into a coma....nothing....the water got cold, the reading blurred my brain but sleep did not come. I headed back into bed a little after 3am and finally dozed off only to have the freakiest dream ever!
I was in my apt packing up and I went into my bedroom and there was a giant dead tree growing in the corner of my room. At first I was like how cool then I was like....how in the
hell am I going to move that? Why I thought I had to move it is beyond me but I knew I had to. So I pulled at it and pulled at it and one of my neighbors saw me trying to pull it down the hall so he went and got a shopping cart for me....we somehow got it in there and wheeled it to my new apt and when I opened the door the living room was filled with dead trees. What the hell?
Clearly my lack of sleep is due to my move, school, homework, my life but man...what do the dead trees mean? I must google that. Hmm, that google is a good thing....here's the gist of
what I found about a tree in your dream:
To dream about empty trees or if you have cut down a tree, signifies
that you are wasting your energy, time, and money on foolish pursuits.
Alternatively, it may be a comment on your sexual nature.
What the heck! How do those two things relate....I am wasting my time and somethings amiss with my nature? I may have to ponder this. Hmm.
Happy new year to me huh!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Say my name
There is something to be said for people knowing your name. I like it. I like that people know who I am, in some sick twisted way it brings me great joy. My friend Sarah and I were talking about this last night and what a difference this makes. Sometimes the littlest things can make the biggest difference in some one's life. There is something affirming, empowering, just plain right about people knowing your name, at least for me. It really changes how you feel about being where you are at. I realized it again this morning as I was walking in my building at work...it's 6:45am and the security guard yells out "Good morning Dawn"! It made me smile. I have now committed to memory his name, Jason, and I shouted back. It made him smile. Then going through the cafeteria a few of the cooks and the manager all greeted me by name. Say my name people....it's a good thing.
I had a rough day yesterday and I was kind of mad at myself at the end of the day for letting what people say about me get to me. Why do I give other people's words, opinions or thoughts power? It's so easy to let that happen. People tell you your not pretty enough or smart enough and we believe it. We buy into it and soon we become it. I don't want to give them the power but I don't want to ignore them completely because there is some message in there I need to hear, I just need to pull the emotional part out of it. Sometimes we don't see what it is we need to see because we put up our own blinders or float down our own river of denial and sometimes that outside person speaks a kernel of truth and we see past our own blocks....but I don't know how to take it for what it is and move on....it is what it is. I tend to sit in in, stew and feel bad about myself. As I pondered this thought while beginning my day, I read my message from the Universe and I kinda got spooked:
I had a rough day yesterday and I was kind of mad at myself at the end of the day for letting what people say about me get to me. Why do I give other people's words, opinions or thoughts power? It's so easy to let that happen. People tell you your not pretty enough or smart enough and we believe it. We buy into it and soon we become it. I don't want to give them the power but I don't want to ignore them completely because there is some message in there I need to hear, I just need to pull the emotional part out of it. Sometimes we don't see what it is we need to see because we put up our own blinders or float down our own river of denial and sometimes that outside person speaks a kernel of truth and we see past our own blocks....but I don't know how to take it for what it is and move on....it is what it is. I tend to sit in in, stew and feel bad about myself. As I pondered this thought while beginning my day, I read my message from the Universe and I kinda got spooked:
It's the exact same for me, Dawn. my love goes unreturned, I feel
completely unappreciated, or some clown starts telling me what's wrong with the world (my world!). And so, I have to remind myself that I am the Universe, that this is an adventure, and that one day they will come to know the errors in their thinking. And, not that it matters at all, but I secretly hope that on that day I just happen to be carried past them, sitting in my processional throne, followed by throngs of admirers, with all the Angels singing, "We are the champions, my friends..."
Dawn, you are the Universe, this is an adventure, and they will learn.Tallyho,
The Universe
Weird isn't it how the freaking Universe knows our thoughts almost before we do. I love that last line - Dawn, you are the Universe, this is an adventure, and they will learn.
I guess it's telling me patience.....OK, I get that, I get that they will learn but when will I?
Man I need a martini already and it's barely 7:30am!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Mug Shots
As I was driving into work today pondering my day my life and my huge "to do" list - the glare from the electronic billboard off 35W heading into downtown caught my eye. There was this HUGE picture of this guy who is wanted....he's some foreign dude who I'm sure did something terrible but his photo was hilarious...or sad really. He's standing there obviously staring at the camera but they seem to have snapped the picture just as he's blinking so he's got the oddest half eye closed pose I have ever seen. Poor dude, not only is he a wanted man, he's kinda comical. Now let's just say I bump into this dude on the street, there is no way I am going to recognize him because seriously.....who walks around half blinking? It got me thinking about the "snapshots" in our heads we create all the time. How many of them have our eyes half open? The ones we have created for ourselves can't all be pretty....right?
Maybe that's why I adore self portraits so much more....I have control....I know when I'm going to push the button so I can be ready. In life, we don't actually get that chance. We are at the mercy of whoever is on the other side of that so called camera. My therapist once told me I need to change the snapshots I've created in my head so I'm not constantly disappointed. It was a long involved conversation but the jist of it is that I tend to create this sort of photo album in my head of how things are suppose to be....how I think they should look and when the reality settles in and they don't match it just makes me really unhappy.
It's up to us to change those pictures. We have to learn to let the pictures be what they will be. Ahh, it will be what it will be..... I love pictures...they are snapshots of time that have captured a perfect moment. I like to surround myself with these happy moments because, well, because it makes me happy. As I have been packing up my old home I've come across some old pictures I forgot I had and some of them still make me really happy. I don't know if it's because over time I've made that moment in time be that one still picture but it makes me happy....so I accept that. I want to be happy. I want those moments in time to bring me joy.
I would hate to be at the end of my life and not have anything to look back on. Nothing to remind me of the journey I've taken or the places I've gone. One really cool picture I have is from one of my memorable family vacations. I must have been 12 or 14 and it's at Mount Rushmore with my brothers and sisters. Crazy Horse is in the background and it's just barely an outline. It's one of those square, old 70's kind of pictures that for some reason makes me smile. One summer we packed up the car and drove to South Dakota. My whole family....we camped and in my mind it was a freaking blast. We did all the touristy things one could do, maybe that's why it's stuck in my head, maybe that's why I feel I MUST go back there. Wall Drug, Flintstone Park, Mount Rushmore, some old western town.....all the touristy things along the way....oh and to buy those tacky souvenirs. That pine box that is now like $20! That smell, that brings me back to a different time.
Can we really relive the happy parts? Will they be the same? Will it create better more joyful memories or will it erase what our minds have created? Only one way to tell I guess!! I need to take a trip this summer....I need to go and explore...no plans, no goals, no anything but a joyful spirit to enjoy the time.
Do you plan that or just go? Hmm, so many questions on this Tuesday morning.
Maybe that's why I adore self portraits so much more....I have control....I know when I'm going to push the button so I can be ready. In life, we don't actually get that chance. We are at the mercy of whoever is on the other side of that so called camera. My therapist once told me I need to change the snapshots I've created in my head so I'm not constantly disappointed. It was a long involved conversation but the jist of it is that I tend to create this sort of photo album in my head of how things are suppose to be....how I think they should look and when the reality settles in and they don't match it just makes me really unhappy.
It's up to us to change those pictures. We have to learn to let the pictures be what they will be. Ahh, it will be what it will be..... I love pictures...they are snapshots of time that have captured a perfect moment. I like to surround myself with these happy moments because, well, because it makes me happy. As I have been packing up my old home I've come across some old pictures I forgot I had and some of them still make me really happy. I don't know if it's because over time I've made that moment in time be that one still picture but it makes me happy....so I accept that. I want to be happy. I want those moments in time to bring me joy.
I would hate to be at the end of my life and not have anything to look back on. Nothing to remind me of the journey I've taken or the places I've gone. One really cool picture I have is from one of my memorable family vacations. I must have been 12 or 14 and it's at Mount Rushmore with my brothers and sisters. Crazy Horse is in the background and it's just barely an outline. It's one of those square, old 70's kind of pictures that for some reason makes me smile. One summer we packed up the car and drove to South Dakota. My whole family....we camped and in my mind it was a freaking blast. We did all the touristy things one could do, maybe that's why it's stuck in my head, maybe that's why I feel I MUST go back there. Wall Drug, Flintstone Park, Mount Rushmore, some old western town.....all the touristy things along the way....oh and to buy those tacky souvenirs. That pine box that is now like $20! That smell, that brings me back to a different time.
Can we really relive the happy parts? Will they be the same? Will it create better more joyful memories or will it erase what our minds have created? Only one way to tell I guess!! I need to take a trip this summer....I need to go and explore...no plans, no goals, no anything but a joyful spirit to enjoy the time.
Do you plan that or just go? Hmm, so many questions on this Tuesday morning.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Living in the dark
I find that as much as I don't like this, I am a creature of habit. I need routine, something to do, something to keep me engaged and when I have too much free time I get all wishy washy and I can't seem to focus. The last two weeks were great because I could live on my own schedule but I also feel, looking back, I did not accomplish as much as I planned to. I work better with deadlines and time lines.
I also find that I like being in the loop. I like know what's happening around me even if it's not the perfect situation, I like at least knowing what's at the end of that dark tunnel. I hate ambiguity and innuendos and secrets....hate closed door meetings that I have to arrange and especially hate last minute hurry up and do this but I can't tell you why events. The past few nights I have really been struggling coming back to work because it all feels so unknown. It feels out of my control and I do not like it Sam I am. I can live in the dark as long as I don't know I am living in the dark.....does that make sense?
I think if you don't know what you don't know your fine...I realize that's a form of denial but I guess I'm OK with that. I want answers....I hate this waiting game.....I'll tell you something but not for a week, or I'll tell you something when I know something...but you know what - I know you know something so just tell me....I'm not good with waiting...patience is not my strong suit. I'm trying to be open to what the Universe has in store for me but I want to know what it is.
Wait, that can't be right. It's like I'm in a circus act...the high flying trapeze artist, and I am doing my thing but I know that next trapeze or person will be there to catch me or I know there is a net down below in case I slip....right now....at this time in my life I don't feel that safety. I feel like I am hanging by myself and I don't know what to grab onto. Is there always another trapeze waiting or do I let go and hope the net is there?
Leap and the net will appear is a good saying.....but let's play devils advocate for a minute....let's say you leap and there is no net, not that you will crash and burn but things could get real hinky and unpleasant. I think maybe I am feeling a little overwhelmed with a new class starting - finance stuff and major accounting type stuff (I thought I was done with math!) packing up my house and trying to paint and feeling like I don't have control right now is kinda freaking me out.
Kinda feel like all I'm getting from the Universe right now is the sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes. How do I tune in and understand what's being said?
I also find that I like being in the loop. I like know what's happening around me even if it's not the perfect situation, I like at least knowing what's at the end of that dark tunnel. I hate ambiguity and innuendos and secrets....hate closed door meetings that I have to arrange and especially hate last minute hurry up and do this but I can't tell you why events. The past few nights I have really been struggling coming back to work because it all feels so unknown. It feels out of my control and I do not like it Sam I am. I can live in the dark as long as I don't know I am living in the dark.....does that make sense?
I think if you don't know what you don't know your fine...I realize that's a form of denial but I guess I'm OK with that. I want answers....I hate this waiting game.....I'll tell you something but not for a week, or I'll tell you something when I know something...but you know what - I know you know something so just tell me....I'm not good with waiting...patience is not my strong suit. I'm trying to be open to what the Universe has in store for me but I want to know what it is.
Wait, that can't be right. It's like I'm in a circus act...the high flying trapeze artist, and I am doing my thing but I know that next trapeze or person will be there to catch me or I know there is a net down below in case I slip....right now....at this time in my life I don't feel that safety. I feel like I am hanging by myself and I don't know what to grab onto. Is there always another trapeze waiting or do I let go and hope the net is there?
Leap and the net will appear is a good saying.....but let's play devils advocate for a minute....let's say you leap and there is no net, not that you will crash and burn but things could get real hinky and unpleasant. I think maybe I am feeling a little overwhelmed with a new class starting - finance stuff and major accounting type stuff (I thought I was done with math!) packing up my house and trying to paint and feeling like I don't have control right now is kinda freaking me out.
Kinda feel like all I'm getting from the Universe right now is the sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes. How do I tune in and understand what's being said?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Blank walls
I have been packing up my apartment for the move in a few weeks to my bigger apartment (same complex, same floor even just more space) and since I painted my home and made it my own it's been a daunting task to turn in back into the white box that someone else might want to live in. As the transformation has been taking place I realize I don't like blank walls, empty spaces. The plain white walls feel .....I'm not sure what but I don't feel like I am at home here anymore. Isn't that funny that by putting our own touches on our space we feel connected and at home. There are somethings I think I will do less of but I need color on my walls...in my space.....I thought I might be able to not have it in my new place but no...I am not meant to be one color. :)
In packing up my house I re-discovered my Magical Messages from the Fairies Oracle Cards and did a few readings. I was surprised at what they were saying to me. According to my readings by summer my life is going to be on my right path and I'm going to be surprisingly happy - come on summer! One interesting card I pulled while pondering my path was the assertiveness card. This kind of surprised me because I thought I'm probably one of the most assertive people I know. I always confuse assertive with aggressive though and I always thought I was more aggressive but actually I don't think I'm either on a regular basis. I think there are moments I can be either but overall I'd really like to be more assertive.
Assertive people seem to me to be happier...they are easy to get along with because you always know where you stand with them....they don't pull any punches. In pulling the assertive card it tells me my current situation calls for me to be more assertive, to speak my truth and to let go of unhealthy old communication habits.
Dang those magical fairy cards.
It's kind of fun to decide what to toss and what to keep when moving. It gives me a chance to look at what I have been holding onto and decide why I am really keeping it, the purpose of it and I realize it's time to purge some of the old. Why do we hold on to things for so long? It's just a physical thing from a time past....what's the purpose of holding on to these things? There is this guy here at the ET who is moving out after 14 years. I showed his apartment and as I walked through I saw these remnants of his life scattered throughout the place. There were things that clearly were put in place by his wife who passed away about a year and a half ago and he's just left in place....either because it comforts him or he's just so used to having them around it doesn't occur to him to change it.
I've found that I have so much stuff from my past that I didn't realize I still even had and some things I can't even remember what they are from. We are funny creatures. I've always wanted to live in the present, to open myself to the new and what the Universe sends my way but I wonder if holding on to the old stops that from happening.
I'm purging.....time to start with the new...out with the old...after all, it is a new year.
In packing up my house I re-discovered my Magical Messages from the Fairies Oracle Cards and did a few readings. I was surprised at what they were saying to me. According to my readings by summer my life is going to be on my right path and I'm going to be surprisingly happy - come on summer! One interesting card I pulled while pondering my path was the assertiveness card. This kind of surprised me because I thought I'm probably one of the most assertive people I know. I always confuse assertive with aggressive though and I always thought I was more aggressive but actually I don't think I'm either on a regular basis. I think there are moments I can be either but overall I'd really like to be more assertive.
Assertive people seem to me to be happier...they are easy to get along with because you always know where you stand with them....they don't pull any punches. In pulling the assertive card it tells me my current situation calls for me to be more assertive, to speak my truth and to let go of unhealthy old communication habits.
Dang those magical fairy cards.
It's kind of fun to decide what to toss and what to keep when moving. It gives me a chance to look at what I have been holding onto and decide why I am really keeping it, the purpose of it and I realize it's time to purge some of the old. Why do we hold on to things for so long? It's just a physical thing from a time past....what's the purpose of holding on to these things? There is this guy here at the ET who is moving out after 14 years. I showed his apartment and as I walked through I saw these remnants of his life scattered throughout the place. There were things that clearly were put in place by his wife who passed away about a year and a half ago and he's just left in place....either because it comforts him or he's just so used to having them around it doesn't occur to him to change it.
I've found that I have so much stuff from my past that I didn't realize I still even had and some things I can't even remember what they are from. We are funny creatures. I've always wanted to live in the present, to open myself to the new and what the Universe sends my way but I wonder if holding on to the old stops that from happening.
I'm purging.....time to start with the new...out with the old...after all, it is a new year.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A new year....a new backpack
Remember when you were a kid and you got to get a new backpack for school? Remember how you would labor over the choice...it had to send the right message. Couldn't be too big or too girly or too many zippers...had to last the entire year too so it had to be functional....that's what a new year is like, a new backpack. Now the mission is you have to fill it....and you have to choose the right things to fill it with.
Found these two quotes as I was checking email and the world wide web to see what I missed yesterday as I was lazy all day and did nothing to greet the new year:
"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." Edith Lovejoy Pierce
and this one:
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." Carl Bard
Why does it seem like others can say things so much better than I can? Starting a New Year is always exciting, isn't it? I mean it's a clean slate, pure and fresh. You get an opportunity to reflect on your life and think about the goals you want to pursue. Those goals are your "destination" for the New Year. If you're going on a trip, you need to thoughtfully pack your bags. Of course knowing your destination would surly help you pack your bags correctly but since I don't, I have to figure out what to take with me....what to carry with me daily.
As I sit here on day two of the year, here are some things I want to put in my bag:
A spirit of adventure for those moments when life doesn't play out exactly as I planned
Gratitude for those moments that take my breath away - I want more of these moments
Gentleness and forgiveness for dealing with people I interact with every day and myself
A sense of humor because levity is useful in almost any situation
Hope because the world could certainly use more hope
Generosity because giving away bits of your talents, time and self always lightens your load and brightens your spirit
Determination so that even when the destination seems far away, I will still able to put one foot in front of the other and keep heading in the right direction
Like most people I think we tend to over pack our bags and in reality we don't really use all that we bring with us but I think in this case I want to have more than I'll need so I can make choices. I've said it before but 2009 is going to be a year of choices, new adventures, new things.....living outside my comfort bubble. In order to to this I need to be sure I don't pack my fears, my negative voice or anything else that will get in my way, it's going to be a year of doing not wishing.
The time is now the place is here. Have a fabulous 2009.
Found these two quotes as I was checking email and the world wide web to see what I missed yesterday as I was lazy all day and did nothing to greet the new year:
"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." Edith Lovejoy Pierce
and this one:
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." Carl Bard
Why does it seem like others can say things so much better than I can? Starting a New Year is always exciting, isn't it? I mean it's a clean slate, pure and fresh. You get an opportunity to reflect on your life and think about the goals you want to pursue. Those goals are your "destination" for the New Year. If you're going on a trip, you need to thoughtfully pack your bags. Of course knowing your destination would surly help you pack your bags correctly but since I don't, I have to figure out what to take with me....what to carry with me daily.
As I sit here on day two of the year, here are some things I want to put in my bag:
A spirit of adventure for those moments when life doesn't play out exactly as I planned
Gratitude for those moments that take my breath away - I want more of these moments
Gentleness and forgiveness for dealing with people I interact with every day and myself
A sense of humor because levity is useful in almost any situation
Hope because the world could certainly use more hope
Generosity because giving away bits of your talents, time and self always lightens your load and brightens your spirit
Determination so that even when the destination seems far away, I will still able to put one foot in front of the other and keep heading in the right direction
Like most people I think we tend to over pack our bags and in reality we don't really use all that we bring with us but I think in this case I want to have more than I'll need so I can make choices. I've said it before but 2009 is going to be a year of choices, new adventures, new things.....living outside my comfort bubble. In order to to this I need to be sure I don't pack my fears, my negative voice or anything else that will get in my way, it's going to be a year of doing not wishing.
The time is now the place is here. Have a fabulous 2009.
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