Living in the dark

I find that as much as I don't like this, I am a creature of habit. I need routine, something to do, something to keep me engaged and when I have too much free time I get all wishy washy and I can't seem to focus. The last two weeks were great because I could live on my own schedule but I also feel, looking back, I did not accomplish as much as I planned to. I work better with deadlines and time lines.

I also find that I like being in the loop. I like know what's happening around me even if it's not the perfect situation, I like at least knowing what's at the end of that dark tunnel. I hate ambiguity and innuendos and secrets....hate closed door meetings that I have to arrange and especially hate last minute hurry up and do this but I can't tell you why events. The past few nights I have really been struggling coming back to work because it all feels so unknown. It feels out of my control and I do not like it Sam I am. I can live in the dark as long as I don't know I am living in the dark.....does that make sense?

I think if you don't know what you don't know your fine...I realize that's a form of denial but I guess I'm OK with that. I want answers....I hate this waiting game.....I'll tell you something but not for a week, or I'll tell you something when I know something...but you know what - I know you know something so just tell me....I'm not good with waiting...patience is not my strong suit. I'm trying to be open to what the Universe has in store for me but I want to know what it is.

Wait, that can't be right. It's like I'm in a circus act...the high flying trapeze artist, and I am doing my thing but I know that next trapeze or person will be there to catch me or I know there is a net down below in case I slip....right now....at this time in my life I don't feel that safety. I feel like I am hanging by myself and I don't know what to grab onto. Is there always another trapeze waiting or do I let go and hope the net is there?

Leap and the net will appear is a good saying.....but let's play devils advocate for a minute....let's say you leap and there is no net, not that you will crash and burn but things could get real hinky and unpleasant. I think maybe I am feeling a little overwhelmed with a new class starting - finance stuff and major accounting type stuff (I thought I was done with math!) packing up my house and trying to paint and feeling like I don't have control right now is kinda freaking me out.

Kinda feel like all I'm getting from the Universe right now is the sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes. How do I tune in and understand what's being said?