Turning the page

So with the new year comes the idea that life can start over new. That you can wave good-bye to the past and start fresh. It's time to turn the page of that tired old book, the entire page, not just dog-ear it, but turn it and move on.

It's so simple to say. At the beginning of the year you feel re-charged and empowered and in total control of your thoughts and feelings, but as things come at you and begin to chip away at your newly adorned coat of armour, it gets harder and harder to keep that momentum going and that positive intent intact.

I am a firm believer in two things:

1. You get what you give - meaning if you do good, you get good. Maybe not right away, but overall. If you treat people the way you want to be treated, overall that is what you get.
2. The Universe always gives you what you need even if you don't know it at the time.

These two principals guide my thoughts and actions most of the time. I'd like to say ALL the time but the reality is, sometimes I think I know better and let's face it....I don't.

I keep thinking how easy it is to manage keeping the positive thoughts flowing on a minute to minute basis. Every time I start to feel that old negativity and what I call "no-no" thoughts creeping in, I just stop, breath and try to re-focus. It's not easy and I'm not sure how long it will or can last but it's worth trying. You get what you give....so I am giving it my best attempt...I just have to keep walking the walk....and hopefully the talk will come.

It's funny, I wrote, or started to write an article for my quarterly IAAP newsletter on clearing the clutter...how to get rid of stuff and create a harmonious living space and as I was writing it, I wandered off onto clearing the clutter from not just your external space but your internal space too. Such as taking time to meditate and clear your mind of the "clutter". Not to over-book yourself or cut out the things that aren't "productive" to yourself or your life. I realized how easy it is to write that and suggest that to others but to incorporate it into your own life is much different.

Guess I should really read the pages of my own life.

Is there a forest through the trees?

Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back over this last year so many things seem really obvious to me now. Things I should have done differently, said, not said, worn, not worn...you get the idea. So many things happened and at the time I couldn't understand the reason, the purpose, the idea behind them.

It was a year of a lot of changes out of my control. No one likes that but I especially have a hard time with that. I lost a beloved family member in January and throughout the year I had a few other endings that really affected me and took some time to settle into my soul, to let me really feel them. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy. Mostly all out of my control but I had a hand in their demise to a point. You can only ever control yourself, your reaction, your feelings about things, but sometimes, unknown to even us, we do things to drive away friends, lovers, co-workers and even family. Sometimes, without even realizing the damage we do, we drive a wedge that is pretty hard to get past.

Looking back it's a little easier to see some of the wrong choices I made - would I change them if I could? Of course the answer is yes, but really, they happened for a reason, a lesson is to be learned from all of it in the end I suppose, but at this very moment, it's hard to say it's a good lesson. I think we are who we are suppose to be because of the choices we make. Some good, some bad, but overall, we become or evolve into the person we are at this very moment based on the choices we've made before. All we can do is to hope to learn from them and to make better ones going forward.

I can't focus on what I've done or didn't do. I can't live in that pool of maybe...maybe if I'd said this then this would have happened, or if I did this then this wouldn't have happened...it did. It's done - no use focusing on what was...all we have is what is...what will be, what MIGHT be. All I can do is look at the here and now and try to do the best I can as I move forward onto the 2011 path.

I had coffee with a friend and we joked that this was our year of "doing it." We declared it so at a Caribou on a cold winter's morning and I am going to do my best to focus on that mantra and make that happen. The year of "doing it" has begun.

To start us off on the right foot we are going to have a little ceremony....we discussed it in general terms and then we got an email from our Yoga studio we love , and they are doing the same thing only a little bigger so we are now adopting it and doing it to....the burning bowl ceremony, this practice helps externalize the internal.

The Burning bowl Ceremony is very simple, you take two pieces of paper one white and one purple. The White piece of paper is for writing down something or some quality that you would like to "give away", things that you want to release, in the upcoming month/year. Write down regrets, negative thoughts, bad habits, grudges, destructive relationships and any other anchors to the past, inhibiting ideas and practices which stifle you.

The Purple piece of paper is for writing down the new things you want to receive into your life or some quality that you want to manifest in the up coming month/year to replace the old things you are releasing.

The purple paper with the new things you desired in your life will be folded up, sealed, and put into a manila envelope. The envelope will be sealed and reopened later.

You will then light the white piece of paper with a candle and then place the burning paper into a pot. Once the paper is in the pot, turn way and never look back at the paper, which is definitely symbolic of letting go.

By doing this, we become aware of what we wish to "give away" and what we want to receive in our lives. Through this practice we may realize that this life is truly filled with blessings that have been awaiting our acceptance.

So I encourage you all to do the same. May this year be filled with amazing things for us all!

New year, new choices

On the cusp of a new year, it's time to make some choices. To choose a path that will take me into the new year and start me off on a path/journey/adventure that is bound to be better that this last year. Coming into 2010 I had some worries for the year. Coming off off of my year of NO RULES (2009 was fine!) I had some expectations for 2010 but no plan. That's probably the bigger issues....expectations are just that...but a plan puts into motion your own actions towards an outcome. So....with just a few days left of this year, I've got to get together a "plan."

I love the whole concept of "New Year, New You." I've always been a big believer that some how, magically, at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve your world could change. That something magical was in the air and some how with the tick of that clock your world could change. I always had belief in New Years....but no mater what, the clock is going to move forward, the new day will dawn and it's totally up to me to make anything else happen.

I guess maybe the oversight comes when we forget to honor our past, where we've come from, what we've dealt with, what we've managed to get over, through or survive. That is, to celebrate the old in ourselves! What do we choose to keep in our life? What do we want to change or release? I don't think we need to start everything over but maybe make some better choices of what we do decide to keep IN our life.

"The opposite of old is not young, the opposite of old is new. As long as we continue to experience the new, we will inhabit all that we are."

So are we looking for a new life or some new experiences? We have the opportunity to change. I think it's time I choose to go forward with inspiration and adventure! Here's to a new year full of fun, laughter, adventure and unexpected surprises!

2011 is going to be THE year!

Magical time of the year

Well here we are, on the edge of yet another holiday. The Christmas spirit surrounds us and even if we wanted to stop it from coming, it's here...tomorrow. Multitudes of people will awaken Christmas morning, rush to their trees and find that the magic of the season has come and they will tear into unknown wrapped treasures until there is nothing left but shreds of paper.

I miss those moments. I miss the magic of childhood, the joy of the tree sprinkled in presents, the hope that just what I asked for was waiting for me, hidden under the tree. Somehow the magic of the season fades away when you get older and are no longer surrounded by young ones. It feels like just another day.....except if you come across other people, they are a little kinder, gentler, nicer.....for the day.

I've been working retail this year and I forget how frazzled people get trying to get that "perfect" gift. How irrational they become over the exclusions of a coupon and how manic they get when the gift they wanted is no where to be found. Ahh, the commercialism of the holidays has certainly taken it's toll on the masses.

This year is kind of my year off. I don't know if it's the lack of income, the fact that I am working retail and can't hardly bare to enter a mall or the fact that I feel kinda grinchy but I am looking forward to Christmas being over. Forget the magic, forget the presents....just bring on the new year with new possibilities laid out before me without all the baggage of this last year.

I wish we could to a point where it isn't about the packages and bows as much as it is about people being kinder to each other. Boss's understanding the value of paying employee's a fair salary for a hard day's work, for partners to love and respect each other all times of the year and children learning the value of love and worry less about stuff....but that's not our culture, that's now who we are.....who we have created our society to be. I suppose we can do that for ourselves but ultimately we can't change that for others.

I'm making plans for this next year that will hopefully have me sitting here next year at this time marveling over the year I am leaving behind. Fondly looking back at a year that was full of amazing things.

So as the Christmas music turns into a distant memory and the presents we thought we could live without find a home in a forgotten part of our homes, may the new year bring with it all the good and amazing things we need.

A farewell to can't

Dear can't:

Saying goodbye to you does not make me sad. I will not miss you as much as you think I will. I want to find out what it feels like to live in the CAN DO world. I want to know what it feels like to do the unthinkable, to be able to look at the long hard challenges in front of me and be willing to go for it. Our relationship certainly has had it's ups and downs, mostly downs, but I believe you have served your purpose and thus, I must say goodbye to you.

From now on the difficult tasks will seem less difficult, I will see the road before me as a choice, and option, a place I want to be rather than something that is undoable or stressful. I will see the impossible tasks as simply possible.

So good-bye to you my friend, hopefully our paths will not cross again, but if they should, I hope you will see I am in a better place, partially because of you but mostly because I have learned and grown and really have become the best "me" I can possibly be.

Farewell Can't......hello Can.

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Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you
can’t change. Kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances give
everything and have no regrets.

Life is too short to be anything but happy!

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Learning to get to the now

Sometimes life gets in the way of what it is we really want. It seems like it's an endless race and someone keeps moving the finish line. Sometimes I really miss the innocence of youth. The belief in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny....that magical moment in time when there was something outside our own bubble that really gave me something to look forward to.

The older I get, I realize you have less magical moments to believe in. I wonder what changes that for a person. Is is a job, a partner, money? Is it tied to a time of the year or something deeper, way inside of us? Does the Universe really put things in our path when we need them. Is there really some merit to unanswered prayers? I mean, if we really got all that we ask for all the time, would we really appreciate anything? Don't we really value and appreciate the things we've worked hard for.....including the people we fight to keep in our lives.

Sometimes we have to learn to live in the here and now. Not to say we shouldn't focus on the future, but sometimes we have to accept what we can't control and just live in the now. I’ve noticed that the happier I feel, the less attached I am to outcomes. Instead of trying to acquire money, possessions, or other external things, my focus has shifted to self-expression, what I can control, what I can change.

I'm exhausted from focusing on what I don't have right now, feeling like I'm stuck in the same situation and sacrificing everything for the hope of a better tomorrow....like I'm running on a treadmill. I'm learning there is no "someday" and there is only right now. So it's time to make that move to the here and now....to today....to making choices that enhance and move my life forward....that stop holding you in one place that you can't seem to get out of.

Here's to the now....and leaving the past in the past.

And so it begins...or actually ends

It's bound to happen. Relationships end, friends lose touch, family moves apart. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy.

I have been fighting for so long to hang on to the things I want in my life. Like a mountain climber clutching the side of a mountain for dear life, I have dug my nails into the things I want so badly that I didn't see them crumbling right out from under me until suddenly (or that's how it seems) they have fallen apart. They are gone and I'm not sure I can get them back.

Mostly for me I've realized as I've gotten older, there is SO little we have control over. We can't control the weather or other people or - well, pretty much anything. We really have control over so very little in our own lives. I know it's not how we act but how we REACT to things. It's all in our attitude, our perception our whatever, but frankly....I'm kinda not really digging the fact that I seem to keep dealing with "endings" of one form or another.

I was happy and content in my life. I woke up everyday and did the same thing over and over to the point that people could and did call me predictable. Then something inside me decided that life wasn't good enough any longer so I pulled up stakes and changed my life pretty drastically.

At first it was all shiny and new and I was again happy and content. Then again, one day I woke up to discover that once again, it wasn't enough, there was something missing....something not quite right with who I was and where I was so I again made changes. Again I was happy and content but had this weird sort of heightened sense of reality that this too won't last. As soon as I am comfortable and happy with my madness, this too will change....and slowly over the last year it's happened again. This time however, seemed to be a shorter amount to time that spanned between the "I'll make changes and everything will be good again" and "wow, this isn't what I want at all, something has to change" time frame.

Is it because I'm older and dare I say "wiser"? Is it because I've had some things come into my life over the last year that I really wanted to stay and without my control, they have slowly dwindled and left without me making that decision? Or is it because I'm deciding much quicker that I don't have to wait for things to change, I can go ahead and make that happen? Either way, it's happening faster and thus...it begins again...but really that means things I like/enjoy/want in my life are ending and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I think we had an amazing summer/fall this year and I loved that until this very last weekend, we were coat less and open toe shoes were still being strutted about like it was the middle of July. All of a sudden, we have gone into the boot/closed toe season and I feel like I wasn't quite ready. Is it because I fought it? I stubbornly dug my proverbial head in the sand and refused to accept that summer/fall was indeed over? All I know is here I sit, the middle of November, reflecting back on this year and trying like hell to not COMPARE it, but to look at it for what it was/is and how little time is left to try to make it be something that won't feel like a complete black hole of suckyness to end this year.

I feel really disappointed by this year. I had high hopes for it...I mean I was coming into this year with hope and anticipation and plans of it being a continuation of the last year and planned on riding that high through this year. I wanted not only my personal relationships to grow and flourish but I really thought my professional life would grow and bloom in many new ways that would not only enhance me from a challenging work focused perspective, but a financial one as well. I imagined I would finally be in a place of respect and financial wellness for myself that is LONG overdue and again, without my control, none of that really happened. Oh I was given new "opportunities", that's always good, but opportunities need to have rewards for a person on a personal level as well as a financial level and I don't know how to mesh that up when I have no control over it. It's just....disappointing.

Also, it's been a hard year for some of my very close friends...there have been job losses, long term relationships that ended and new additions to already stressed families and I want to help them all but find that by trying to maintain everyone else's life, it drains my life immensely and nothing is in place to refill that for me. I'm like that little buoy that's tied out to a mile marker that serves a purpose but no one is sure exactly what it is - but it is important.

And now the holidays are upon us. I reflect on all I'm really thankful for: family, friends, my health, my jobs.....I'm lucky. I'm super lucky, but yet, there is this huge missing piece, this huge open part that doesn't seem to have any place. How do you try to fix what you can't even see?

I miss the relationships I had last year, I feel responsible for the loss because I've been pretty self focused trying to figure out whatever path it is I'm suppose to be on and the harder I try to find it, the more confused it seems to be and thus I've ended up losing some relationships because a person only has so much to give. My well is dry. I miss those people that I could just BE myself with, that do simple things like having a coffee or seeing a movie was enough. Feels like everything has to be a bigger production - schedules have to be coordinated, families have to be notified and all the life changes have pulled us away from each other either because of relationship additions, complications or moving far away.

And so it begins...the ending that I've been fighting to not have happen...is actually happening right in front of me and down I fall.....to the bottom of the mountain only to pick myself up and try again.