Sky's the limit - full of possibilites

There's nothing like change to make you appreciate what you had....have. There's nothing like change to snap you into waking up to all the possibilities life hands us everyday.

How do you know you won't like brussel sprouts if you actually never taste one? What if, by just trying one, you open yourself up to endless possibilities you didn't even know existed until you ate a brussel sprout. Now grant it, a brussel sprout can't change the world, but it can make a difference.

I was in Montreal, Canada last week, and despite my bum knee, I managed to hobble around enough to see some amazing sites. Some places I will probably never get back to in my life....so I took full advantage of the little bit of free time I did have. It was awesome. I would like to go back and see more but I'm thankful I had some time to see what I did. On the way there I was so focused on the week, the conference, my wardrobe for the week. So concentrating on where I had to be and when and how I was going to get there and would I get lost and would I know anyone and....and...and....I was so focused that I didn't realize we had hit turbulence outside the normal amount of turbulence. I mean I've flown a number of times and had the occasional bumpy ride, I even landed once in a thunderstorm. That scared the daylights out of me because a plane is a giant piece of metal and it felt like we were flying INTO the lightening. But this particular turbulence was different...it was super shaky....and we were in a smaller plane than I'm used too....two seats on each side....so we were shaking around pretty good. I didn't get worried until we did one of those drops....you know the kind where you sort of pop out of your seat and for one split second you are seat buckled in but yet you pop out of your seat. A collective gasp arose from the plane that made me so scared I thought I was going to pee.

When an entire plane gasps out loud....I think that's time to worry. I had a window seat and all I could see was white puffy clouds...I was praying to God (or whomever) that the pilot could see something more than me....the plane continued to shake about quite a bit and I couldn't help but cry. A tear ran down my cheek and the woman next to me, a complete stranger, offered me her hand and told me to just breathe.....it was the scariest few moments of my life. It literally only lasted a few minutes but it scared me. I began thinking after that....life is too short to be so focused and skipping the moment we are in. It was like the Universe was slapping me in the face saying STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE NEXT MOMENT AND THE NEXT MOMENT. FOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!

So I did...I focused on breathing and holding a complete strangers hand.

The sky's the limit....each and every day we have the opportunity to find new possibilities, new challenges, new roads to explore. How we choose to spend that time and that day is entirely up to us. We can be so focused on the next thing and the next thing and the next or we can try to see what each day and each moment offers us in terms of possibilities.

I've said it before, I'll say it again...it's hard to be an adult!

Looks good on paper

I have the worst time sleeping. It's been this way for awhile now. My mind usually crashes and burns about 11 p.m. and I sort of shut down...but what happens is I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and soundly but only for a few short hours. Apparently that's all my body/mind (not my soul!) needs to recharge and restart again. I wake up anywhere from 2 to 4 a.m. and I don't just wake up I WAKE UP totally and completely. It's pretty rare that I sleep past 5 a.m., even on weekends. What happens is I start thinking and I start processing and I start trying to get everything in it's place for the day and I can't make it stop. It's like I keep making these mental lists that just don't stop...the list grows and grows and sometimes I check things off but mostly I'm just adding and adding until I can't see straight.

The problem with the lists is I keep making them and I keep thinking about them and sometimes I get some stuff done but then so much more creeps up on on the new mental list that it keeps growing and morphing and changing and then I have to go to work and then my other job and then grocery shopping and then a meeting and then home and clean and cook and...and....and......then I'm so tired that I never actually get AT my lists and they nag and nag at me mentally until I can't take it anymore. It's kind of a vicious circle.

So....it was suggested that I start to create lists...physically write down all this "stuff". Have separate lists for all my thoughts...a work one, a personal one and so on and so on. A list for each segment of my life and I should physically write down and then ultimately cross off things as they come to me. The very act of doing this may help me actually get things off my mind and let me feel organized enough to do what it is I need to do.

So I started today.......I sat and made list upon list upon list and just kept adding and adding until I couldn't think any longer of one more thing to add to any of my sections. I'm not going to lie, the very act of writing down everything I need to do completely overwhelmed me at first. I was a little startled and overwhelmed with the amount of items on my lists. It doesn't help that July is kind of a crazy unusually busy month for me, but still...this explains a lot about why I can't get my mind to stop and slow down enough to settle and sleep. Plus being wounded and not being able to do my normal activities without pain is wearing on a girl. Still...making the list made me feel better overall and I have to say, on paper....I look pretty good and organized and kind of on top of things...but the reality is it feels a bit overwhelming in person and on my very soul.

So the next task it to take a few items every day off my list, to do a few things everyday that allow me to feel like I am moving TOWARDS something and not just sitting in place spinning my wheels. Easier said than done I know but it's worth a try. So perhaps sleep will come easier which will make the rest of all the thoughts cycling through my head settle into place and everyone can learn to live happily ever after. Now the trick is....how to I find the time to get at these items without staying up super late or getting up uber early. There has to be a balance. Oh one issues certainly feeds into another....one step at a time I guess...one step at a time. For now - the lists......

I can't shake this feeling

Something in my very being is telling me...no actually it's kind of shouting at me that something isn't right. That something just doesn't work...doesn't fit...isn't right. You ever have that feeling? It's like when you come home and you have this weird feeling that something is different, off, not normal...and you find that at some point during the day when you weren't home, a water leak happened above you and your bathroom is filled with about 2" of standing water. That weird, odd errie out of sorts feeling that something just isn't right is usually right.

Someone once tole me that we all create these pictures in our head, these images of how we perceive our own lives to be.....how we want them to be, how we plan and play it out in our brain. Maybe it's our subconscious or maybe it's a form of deep denial, but we hold onto these images of this life we've created in our head and we do everything in our power to work towards it, to have that life, that stuff, that person, that home or whatever it is we have convinced ourselves we need and that is the only way we can be content. That then, and only then, will we be happy. That when we reach that ever elusive perfect place in the world we have created in our heads, we can be truly happy...right? But what happens when that doesn't happen? How much to you constantly have to give up, give away, suck up before we change that picture? How many times do we have to tell ourselves "it's not that big of a deal...it doesn't' really matter...everything is fine, I don't mind". But the reality is - that's not the reality. I'm not saying we shouldn't have goals or dreams of a better life, but there's a fine line between reality and what we get.

"Let go. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen." If only it were that easy. Wouldn't that be magical if we could just do that! I know somethings not right, somethings not fitting but I can't quite tell what it is. Life is about growth and change and momentum and the ability we have as humans to constantly be learning and changing and seeking new opportunities...but at what point does it become...for lack of a better word...pointless? I know, most people would say as long as you are here and breathing it's not pointless...but really.....when do you stop and accept what is right in front of you and learn to be happy and content with what you have, where you are and who you have crafted yourself out to be? When does this "feeling" ever go away? And should it?

Is it the perfect job? House? Spouse? Child? Friends? What is the answer? Is it a combination, an additional thing....what is this elusive IT that makes things just feel right and good and dare I say "normal"? And do we really ever get it? I've been down so many paths in my life in search of this unknown, unseen thing....I keep thinking it's down this path...no wait...it's over here, wait - whoops, nope....wrong again...it must actually be over here. It's exhausting. It's soul sucking and exhausting to be constantly searching for something that quite possibly doesn't exist.

So...that just leaves the inevitable questions....what now? How do you quiet your soul enough to settle into the perfectly content, happy little life it has created and make it be OK? How do you get the core of who you are to accept and be content in the life it has? Or is it a constant battle and really the only actual answer is not to be found.

Ahhh, the question without answers has surfaced yet again.

Get outside your bubble

Life moves at warp speed, no one is going to deny that. Sometimes it's just easier to keep doing the same old things.

You wake up, you shower, you comb your hair, you pray you have coffee in the cabinet and you trudge into work. You know...routine, common place, the same stuff...different days...but then you dare to do one little thing different and suddenly it's like your in an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore show and you feel like you ARE going to make it after all!!

I am a social person. I know many will be shocked by this statement, but it's true. I like to talk, to eat, to drink, to not be sitting at home watching the world pass me by. I've often held 2 if not 3 jobs to not only help ensure I'm out and about, but to have that extra play money to do the things I love to do. Recently, however, my body has started to rebel against me and I've had to scale things back quite a bit and frankly - I'm not happy about it!

I had foot surgery in March that took me down for a good month. I had to stop, sit, and heal. It's not quite 100% yet but I can no longer wait....so....I move on. Then on Memorial Day weekend, I decided I am invincible and 12 years old...so I had some fun on the trampoline. Now before you roll your eyes, you must know....it seemed really safe....and like a really good idea at the time...I seized the moment! I mean, it was in IN ground trampoline...it's flush with the ground so not only did I NOT have to haul my but UP into it, I couldn't fall OFF of it. What I didn't anticipate however, was the slipping potential. Yes...since it was an in ground tramp, the water factor that pools up UNDER it never crossed my mind. So just as I was stepping off, I slipped. I slipped good too! My leg went one way, my body the other and well....the rest is history. Tore, no wait, completely shredded my ALC in my left knee (mind you, the foot surgery was on my right foot) sprained another ligament and bruised my bone. Now as if that isn't painful enough, I am sporting a killer knee brace that makes me look like Forest Gump until I have surgery on Aug. 3.

Living in the moment can have consequences. What are the options though....sit at home watching the world go by or going out, playing hard, getting hurt and living with the shame, I mean consequences? I guess I say go big or go home!

So....this has taken me back a bit...kind of kept me from my normal running around, since I'm in pain almost all the time (still worth it!) and I'm kinda slow (slower than I normally am) I am not really an asset to my normal posse. Not that anyone is kicking me to the curb, but I'm definitely a damper to most situations. So I need to find some new opportunities to expand my "bubble".

I need activity so I decided to do something recently I don't normally do...I took risks...I stepped outside my bubble for just a bit and I have to say, it's been kind of refreshing. I've met some great new people, not to say my regular people aren't enough, but more is always better. I've learned some new things and I've started to think about my life and things a little differently. It's like it's your same space, you've just changed the paint color.

So....here is my challenge to you....do one thing differently this week. Make one change in your routine. Meet one new person for coffee or drinks or dinner. Step outside your own bubble and tell me that doesn't make the rest seem OK.

It's summer....time for fun!

Making lemonade

You know the old saying...."when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" ...I want to know where it says then add ice, vodka and shake like hell.

Life moves and changes so fast. Mostly it's completely out of our control. Just for one day, however, I'd like to have a little control. I'd like to have a button for pause, rewind or even erase. It seems the older I get, the harder it gets to get through a day unscathed by so much. Tornado's are raving our countryside, people are getting sick and dying everyday, relationships start and end in the blink of an eye and somehow the days keep on keeping on but with a few new additions. We take vacations to get away from our lives and to recharge and restore our soul. It's kind of a band aide for life but it helps get us through the tougher times.

I recently lost my dad, he was 71 years old. I didn't have the best relationship with him and even though over the years we tried to make amends, it never really happened. I waited too long...or he was too stubborn....whatever the case, it will always remain an unresolved issue within me. I can't change how it ended, I can't really change what was....all I can do is deal with what is now and try to move forward with that.

These moments that come unexpectedly can change our lives forever. They can alter our thinking and perspective on what is really important. We start to value our own time and lives a little bit more. Is it worth fighting over some of the little things in life or do we save that anger and frustration for the bigger moments? What is worth us getting upset over?

Now my mom is in the hospital. She is also 71. She has COPD - a degenerative lung disease that will eventually kill her. It's hard to watch her struggle so much day to day just to breath. Its a little hard to stop our lives and take time out to go sit with her at the hospital...no one likes to be in a hospital much less go to visit anyone there but it's so hard because there is absolutely nothing we can do. All we can do is wait and hope the medicine clears up the fluid in her lungs that doesn't allow her to breath well and wait...eventually there won't be a time the medicine will work...it's kind of surreal to know that and every time we wonder...is it now?

The reality is we all die. We are born knowing this and yes it's sad and yes it's hard but it's the circle of life. It's how we deal with it and allow our connections to those in our lives to treat us that really matters. We can choose that right now while they are still with us. We can choose to make things end differently for ourselves....that's what we have control over.

So yes, life continues to throw us lemons and we can squeeze as hard and fast as we can but there's always going to be lemonade...do we drink it or not?

Putting things in there place

I need a place to put things…inside my brain. My work me has a place, the fun me has a place, the crazy irrational me even has a place. When so much comes at a person so fast and its new stuff that doesn’t have a place…..I need a place. It’s hard to know where to put all those new voices that creep into our heads.

Everyone has them, those little voices that sound a lot like you. They sit in your head and talks away trying to get you to listen. The boring pop-psych word for them is Internal Monologue.

For a lot of people, the internal monologue is nothing but negative self-talk. You know, “I’m awful. I’m worthless. I’m ugly. I suck at this. I’m a fraud. No one will ever love me.” The problem is that this internal monologue has an annoying habit of affecting your external life and there really isn’t a place for it.

It’s these things that stop us in our tracks and keep us in our place not allowing us to venture out and try any new path or things. They are afraid of trying anything new because they have this voice in the back of their head telling them they’re not worthy of awesomeness. I’m telling you right now, you are totally awesome. You can do awesome things. And you have the right to stop listening to negative self-talk.

You have the right, honor, and duty to tell that voice to SHUT UP! It’s hard, I know because I’ve been there. Heck sometimes live there. If truth be told, I think I own a time-share in there. I still find my inner monologue taking a field trip back to Worthlessville from time to time.

When I realize that’s what’s happening, I imagine that little negative voice as a very small figurine. I mentally pick that very small figurine up by the scruff of the neck between my index finger and thumb, and I throw it through the mental wood chipper.

Because no one is going to stop me from being awesome.

Not even myself.

Brick Walls

The brick walls are not there to keep us out; they are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Having spent 4 weeks housebound gave me the opportunity (not really a choice) to spend sometime IN my head and thus begin to clear some of the cobwebs both externally and eventually internally.

I started with my car. I cleared the clutter, all the stuff that was just there to make my time in the car sort of feel like my home....because I do spend so much time IN my car going places I thought that was important....it felt like it was. Looking at it again, I don't know that honestly I could say that was the truth, but what matters now is that it was time to clear the clutter. I spent about 4 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon cleaning my car like I don't think I ever have. I washed the windows, the doors. I purchased a steering wheel cover, bought new floor mats and even cleaned the seats...trying to erase the 4 year old coffee stains on the passenger car seat. Mostly it looks nice and clean and dare I say.....respectful. Gone are all the homies I had on almost any flat surface, all the doo dads on the ceiling and hanging from the rear view mirror. There is one button left that has my personality and flair but mostly, it's a car anyone would sit in and own. It's like a giant reset button was applied to Fernando (that's his name).My 2003 Ford Focus with 108,000 miles on it has a new lease on life......for now.

Next came the biggest, harder part....my space. I sat staring at those walls of stuff for weeks on end....and came to the conclusion that mostly it was just that...stuff. Stuff cluttering my my space and my vision and ultimately me. So I started a very intense tossing of my stuff. I got a grocery cart from the garage and ruthlessly went through my space. I was actually amazed as I starting picking up things that I couldn't remember the reason why I had them in the first place. What was their purpose? What was the meaning of it all? Upon further thinking and analyzing my process, I decided I tried to create a life for everyone else. I've built my space and my environment so others would like it....I thought if I build it....they will come...

Well I did build it....I built it well and you know what....no one came. Not to say people didn't come over to my house now and then, but really....no one came...no one came and decided it was so amazing that they had to stay....that they had to be a part of it all. Frankly, it probably scared off more than it attracted. One person recently said to me "Your house is like coming into a really cute shop. There's just so much to look at." I know what she was saying, I thought that too but I always thought it's what I wanted....what I needed to be happy and content in my life...but it wasn't....it isn't. It was just another way of cluttering my my exterior to distract I'm guessing from the interior. Ahh, it's so complicated yet so very clear.

When asked "who are you?" we usually give an account of our external circumstances, our name, likes or dislikes, nationality, age, interests, yet it is almost impossible for us to touch on our inner core, what makes us be who we truly are. I recently re-watched the movie Citizen Kane and it really got me thinking....thinking about who we are, what we have and what we choose to fill our lives up with. The movies is a search for Kane's true self that gets pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle through years of memories and stories told by Kane's friends, enemies and lovers and it all revolves around his one dying word: "Rosebud". It's funny, in these times we expect "Rosebud" to mean something huge, or to unearth some deep dying amazing secret and then to feel a little underwhelmed or even cheated when "Rosebud" is finally revealed at the end. The whole point of the film is that it is not a surprise "twist" ending nor does it really reveal anything new or surprising about Kane himself, it is just simply a moment in time, a memory of his that meant something deeply personal and entrusting to who is was and ultimately what he didn't have. That is what life is about, what a person searches for, a series of moments where choices are made and our character is formed, where eternity and time touch and we either become or refuse to be who we truly are. The mystery of a person revolves around his or her capacity for love, both for receiving it but more importantly for giving it. The ending line in the movie said by the main characters best friend sums it up:

That's all he ever wanted out of life... was love. That's the tragedy of Charles Foster Kane. You see, he just didn't have any to give.

Makes me wonder...makes me think....with all this stuff cluttering up my space, what do I have to give? What do I have to get? Learning to let the walls crumble and fall is the first step to having the life we want now instead of waiting for someone else to complete it.