Regret, like old friends, often comes back into your life.
We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.
I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.
I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.
It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.
My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.
I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.
I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?
Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.
No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.
Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Furious happiness
I love things that make me laugh. I think life is better when your laughing, having fun and just overall enjoying life. I've never considered being "furiously happy". It's never crossed my mind or my thought process until I read this blog by this very funny woman....which tells the story of buying a giant metal chicken...it's the funniest thing I've ever read and frankly I so see my self and my bff doing that exact thing. But there was a link to a friends blog in there where she talked about a strapless red dress and learning to be furiously happy....here's an excerpt from her blog - http://thequeso.com/
It's like she crawled in my head and plucked this story from my brain. Like I've been holding it, waiting for some catalyst of a moment to make it come to life. It's somewhat comforting to realize that after all, we aren't really alone. That even though we feel it, there are others who feel and experience all the same things we do. It should give me comfort to know that...but for some reason it makes me feel like....I should be doing more. Saying more. Just more.
I have these thoughts in my head swirling around and I don't act them...I think about them a lot but they don't seem to come to life like others do. I think I might have to focus on listening to my innerself a lot more.
"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies. I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be. And the more I thought about it
the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”. Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better. Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it. So she bought the dress. And then she wore it. And then she began sending the dress around to different people who needed it for whatever reason."
It's like she crawled in my head and plucked this story from my brain. Like I've been holding it, waiting for some catalyst of a moment to make it come to life. It's somewhat comforting to realize that after all, we aren't really alone. That even though we feel it, there are others who feel and experience all the same things we do. It should give me comfort to know that...but for some reason it makes me feel like....I should be doing more. Saying more. Just more.
I have these thoughts in my head swirling around and I don't act them...I think about them a lot but they don't seem to come to life like others do. I think I might have to focus on listening to my innerself a lot more.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Changing focus
Why is it so easy to find the faults in our self and in others? Why is it so easy to believe the negative things about who we are and what we do? Whose bright idea was that to give us the ability to remember verbatim the mean, unsupported, untrue (mostly) things people say about us and then own them like a second skin? What part of our brains have taken over the common sense part?
It's that time of year where you have to sit with your boss and do your review. You sit and talk and set your goals, plans, and objectives for the year. It's mostly just words on paper but sometimes I surprise myself and actually do accomplish things I've put on there. Sometimes I actually WANT to. It's also the time to get your 360 peer reviews back.
Now myself, I'm rarely surprised by these. I work with a great group of people that help when I need it, push back when necessary and tell me to sit down and shut the hell up once in a while. I'm not surprised by their comments. I know my faults. I know my downfalls, I accept them and mostly I own them.
I'm bossy, I'm stubborn, I'm confused if I don't get the whole picture. I'm a question queen. My dad used to get so angry at me...stop asking so many questions he would always bellow at me. I tend to be a little black and white or yes/no which I know I need to work on. On the positive side however, I am also a team player, I will run when necessary, sit back and watch when it's important and give 110% to everything I do. I need to know that what I do makes a difference or I don't want to do it. If you tell me to be "corporate" Dawn, I am just that. I dress the part, walk the walk and talk the talk. Inside I may be rebelling or screaming obscenities but externally, I'm playing the part. I think I know pretty well when to pull that person out...I think I've done a good job of that and mostly people tend to agree. We of course all have an off day.
Most people question me when I'm at an event where I'm "representing" my division and I'm in that role, they ask if I'm OK...why and I so "quiet". I smile and appreciate their noticing this but I stay in my role. So, overall, I feel like I've got this corporate gig down pretty good. Even my boss has commented on it....so that tells me I'm on the right track. But what I can't understand is when someone who barely knows me or works with me or has pretty much anything to do with me makes a comment that is supposed to reflect my work presence.
Case in point....the purpose of a 360 review is to get feedback from those people you work with and will continue to work with. What do I do well? What can I improve on? What other comments to you have? Pretty generic and honestly, one shouldn't really be surprised by any of these..but I was...under the what other comments do you have someone wrote "I haven't worked with Dawn enough to provide valuable input" OK...first off.....if you haven't worked with me enough why are you getting a 360 review and second if you don't have any valuable input then stop there......why go on...I mean you yourself said it wouldn't be valuable...but no...they went on....they then stated "For the few/brief times I do work with her, I'm not impressed with her professionalism". This made me pause and question WTF they are talking about?!
I mean how do you say a statement like that and not follow it up with for example she burps out loud or she picks her nose or she drinks like a man! I mean really...what does that mean? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Why, of all the things said, is that the only one I can focus on and give any attention to? Have we become so jaded in our lives and thinking that the only comments we can validate are the negative ones? Do we have the need so badly to be liked by everyone that when we aren't it sets us on a path of self-hatred and worry. What is wrong with us that we can't look at that statement, think huh...I wonder what that means and then just blow past it. No...all I can do is look at every person I pass in the hall, the elevator, the cafeteria and wonder....did you say that? If so what does it mean? Am I being unprofessional now? It's making me a little crazier than I already am. Why do we allow those any power?
I guess when I say WE I really mean ME. I don't suppose most people will give it much validation, most will be able to brush it off and move on. I mean my own boss didn't even mention it - why do I give it any validation?
Then, because it's the time of year for reviews, I had my review at my part-time gig too, again all good, all positive and overall the rating was really good except for one little comment that really wasn't my fault but I brought it up so it got written into my review that I actually did this wrong....but I didn't....and arguing about it won't change anything because it honestly doesn't matter one bit but because it's written down, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it because it's on paper and therefore now part of my file, my documentation, the only thing that will remain about me when I'm gone? Is that why I have to burn my journals when they are full? I don't want anything negative hanging around. I guess that's why everyone becomes a saint when they die....all the bad, mean, selfish things they've done just get ignored. Suddenly they have sunshine and flowers as their only reminders.
I guess I just have to accept that is what someone else thinks of me and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is. The best we can do is just make each day better than the last. All I can do is try to be the best me and if that no name can't appreciate that, its out of my control.
It's hard being an adult.
It's that time of year where you have to sit with your boss and do your review. You sit and talk and set your goals, plans, and objectives for the year. It's mostly just words on paper but sometimes I surprise myself and actually do accomplish things I've put on there. Sometimes I actually WANT to. It's also the time to get your 360 peer reviews back.
Now myself, I'm rarely surprised by these. I work with a great group of people that help when I need it, push back when necessary and tell me to sit down and shut the hell up once in a while. I'm not surprised by their comments. I know my faults. I know my downfalls, I accept them and mostly I own them.
I'm bossy, I'm stubborn, I'm confused if I don't get the whole picture. I'm a question queen. My dad used to get so angry at me...stop asking so many questions he would always bellow at me. I tend to be a little black and white or yes/no which I know I need to work on. On the positive side however, I am also a team player, I will run when necessary, sit back and watch when it's important and give 110% to everything I do. I need to know that what I do makes a difference or I don't want to do it. If you tell me to be "corporate" Dawn, I am just that. I dress the part, walk the walk and talk the talk. Inside I may be rebelling or screaming obscenities but externally, I'm playing the part. I think I know pretty well when to pull that person out...I think I've done a good job of that and mostly people tend to agree. We of course all have an off day.
Most people question me when I'm at an event where I'm "representing" my division and I'm in that role, they ask if I'm OK...why and I so "quiet". I smile and appreciate their noticing this but I stay in my role. So, overall, I feel like I've got this corporate gig down pretty good. Even my boss has commented on it....so that tells me I'm on the right track. But what I can't understand is when someone who barely knows me or works with me or has pretty much anything to do with me makes a comment that is supposed to reflect my work presence.
Case in point....the purpose of a 360 review is to get feedback from those people you work with and will continue to work with. What do I do well? What can I improve on? What other comments to you have? Pretty generic and honestly, one shouldn't really be surprised by any of these..but I was...under the what other comments do you have someone wrote "I haven't worked with Dawn enough to provide valuable input" OK...first off.....if you haven't worked with me enough why are you getting a 360 review and second if you don't have any valuable input then stop there......why go on...I mean you yourself said it wouldn't be valuable...but no...they went on....they then stated "For the few/brief times I do work with her, I'm not impressed with her professionalism". This made me pause and question WTF they are talking about?!
I mean how do you say a statement like that and not follow it up with for example she burps out loud or she picks her nose or she drinks like a man! I mean really...what does that mean? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Why, of all the things said, is that the only one I can focus on and give any attention to? Have we become so jaded in our lives and thinking that the only comments we can validate are the negative ones? Do we have the need so badly to be liked by everyone that when we aren't it sets us on a path of self-hatred and worry. What is wrong with us that we can't look at that statement, think huh...I wonder what that means and then just blow past it. No...all I can do is look at every person I pass in the hall, the elevator, the cafeteria and wonder....did you say that? If so what does it mean? Am I being unprofessional now? It's making me a little crazier than I already am. Why do we allow those any power?
I guess when I say WE I really mean ME. I don't suppose most people will give it much validation, most will be able to brush it off and move on. I mean my own boss didn't even mention it - why do I give it any validation?
Then, because it's the time of year for reviews, I had my review at my part-time gig too, again all good, all positive and overall the rating was really good except for one little comment that really wasn't my fault but I brought it up so it got written into my review that I actually did this wrong....but I didn't....and arguing about it won't change anything because it honestly doesn't matter one bit but because it's written down, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it because it's on paper and therefore now part of my file, my documentation, the only thing that will remain about me when I'm gone? Is that why I have to burn my journals when they are full? I don't want anything negative hanging around. I guess that's why everyone becomes a saint when they die....all the bad, mean, selfish things they've done just get ignored. Suddenly they have sunshine and flowers as their only reminders.
I guess I just have to accept that is what someone else thinks of me and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is. The best we can do is just make each day better than the last. All I can do is try to be the best me and if that no name can't appreciate that, its out of my control.
It's hard being an adult.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Listening to the quiet
It's in the calm quietness you will find the answers you seek. Makes me sound quite zen-like and balanced doesn't it? Well I'm not either. I'm just trying to find intention with myself.
I hate making New Year’s resolutions. It feels like a constant set-up for disappointment and failure. I know the basic rules of life: be nice to others, treat others as you wish to be treated – all the stuff you learned in kindergarten about playing nice in the sand box. I realize that as we get older we start to make our own choices as to who we are, who we think we want to be and we start walking in that direction. It’s a path of constant improvement and change.
I’m talking about the resolutions like losing weight, or finances or whatever lofty goal we try to set that often doesn’t make it past the first month. Those types of resolutions seem daunting and quite honestly, why do you have to wait for the first of the year to change that? Why not decide that in say March or August and just do it? What is so magical about the first of the year that makes us believe everything is possible?
Possibly we are still riding the high of the holiday’s…a constant sugar buzz and as we wean ourselves off the sugar, we start to come back to reality….the reality is we are responsible for our own results. Therefore, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. Instead I resolve to do a few things FOR myself that will ultimately be beneficial to those around me.
I resolve to be more patient. Not one of my strongest attributes. I grew up with the mentality that if you don’t do it, don't have it or don't say it RIGHT NOW, you won’t. End of story…a maybe is never a positive outcome. So, I have to learn to trust that maybe is sometimes what the answer has to be. I have to call on my inner strength to muster up the will power to accept maybe as an answer and be OK with it.
I resolve to spend more time with my family and friends that I have this year. I’ve spent a lot of time this year on my IAAP stuff and I’ve been working three jobs – all in all it’s good for me, but kind of leaves me isolated from my own life at the same time. So I will make some changes in other parts of my life that will help me do more of this. It’s not what we do, just that we are together, enjoying time and the connection that we obviously share. I keep looking to the future for the someday thing and I’m missing the here and now things.
I resolve to not say anything if I can’t add value. If my thoughts and my opinions aren’t going to help or add value, what’s the point of putting them out there? Meaning that I want to me more intentional in my thoughts and deeds and not just be saying and doing things hust for the sake of it. I want there to be meaning and purpose behind them and I want to add value, purpose and meaning to myself and my life.
I want to accept what is and not want more. This one is my biggest challenge. I get that we should strive for more, for better, for exception in everything we do and touch, but without a clear and purposeful meaning it’s like spinning wheels in mud…you can keep on moving teeny tiny nuggets but you won’t actually get anywhere. Accepting who I am and where I am in my own life is the place to start. This one kind of scares me because it’s really the overarching part of my very being, if I can’t do this, how can I expect to move on to anything new?
So, there it is, a new year, a new plan and new possibilities. Who knows what this year will bring.
It’s okay to look back, but it’s best not to stare.
I hate making New Year’s resolutions. It feels like a constant set-up for disappointment and failure. I know the basic rules of life: be nice to others, treat others as you wish to be treated – all the stuff you learned in kindergarten about playing nice in the sand box. I realize that as we get older we start to make our own choices as to who we are, who we think we want to be and we start walking in that direction. It’s a path of constant improvement and change.
I’m talking about the resolutions like losing weight, or finances or whatever lofty goal we try to set that often doesn’t make it past the first month. Those types of resolutions seem daunting and quite honestly, why do you have to wait for the first of the year to change that? Why not decide that in say March or August and just do it? What is so magical about the first of the year that makes us believe everything is possible?
Possibly we are still riding the high of the holiday’s…a constant sugar buzz and as we wean ourselves off the sugar, we start to come back to reality….the reality is we are responsible for our own results. Therefore, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. Instead I resolve to do a few things FOR myself that will ultimately be beneficial to those around me.
I resolve to be more patient. Not one of my strongest attributes. I grew up with the mentality that if you don’t do it, don't have it or don't say it RIGHT NOW, you won’t. End of story…a maybe is never a positive outcome. So, I have to learn to trust that maybe is sometimes what the answer has to be. I have to call on my inner strength to muster up the will power to accept maybe as an answer and be OK with it.
I resolve to spend more time with my family and friends that I have this year. I’ve spent a lot of time this year on my IAAP stuff and I’ve been working three jobs – all in all it’s good for me, but kind of leaves me isolated from my own life at the same time. So I will make some changes in other parts of my life that will help me do more of this. It’s not what we do, just that we are together, enjoying time and the connection that we obviously share. I keep looking to the future for the someday thing and I’m missing the here and now things.
I resolve to not say anything if I can’t add value. If my thoughts and my opinions aren’t going to help or add value, what’s the point of putting them out there? Meaning that I want to me more intentional in my thoughts and deeds and not just be saying and doing things hust for the sake of it. I want there to be meaning and purpose behind them and I want to add value, purpose and meaning to myself and my life.
I want to accept what is and not want more. This one is my biggest challenge. I get that we should strive for more, for better, for exception in everything we do and touch, but without a clear and purposeful meaning it’s like spinning wheels in mud…you can keep on moving teeny tiny nuggets but you won’t actually get anywhere. Accepting who I am and where I am in my own life is the place to start. This one kind of scares me because it’s really the overarching part of my very being, if I can’t do this, how can I expect to move on to anything new?
So, there it is, a new year, a new plan and new possibilities. Who knows what this year will bring.
It’s okay to look back, but it’s best not to stare.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Am I the Grinch?
"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." - Dr. Seuss
Christmas came and went in the blink of an eye, for me it did anyway. It doesn't have anything to do with the gifts or the parties or the "stuff"...not like it used to. Do I miss the Christmas times of my youth when I awoke and raced downstairs to gaze upon stockings so full of unknown surprises....filled to the brim with candy and treats and small gifts? Gasping at the mass of presents under the tree as far as my eyes could see? Some wrapped...some too big to be wrapped and hoping they were ALL for me! Maybe a little. I think what I miss most of all is the connection that day/time brings. The meaning behind all the "stuff".
When you get older and your alone you don't really get that....connection anymore. You don't have that magic moment that makes you feel like you are a part of something bigger. So maybe I do sympathize a little more with the Grinch than I'd like to admit. When I wake up on Christmas morning there is no magic moment...no WOW for me. It's a day like any other day for me and if I'm not with family, I still have to make my own coffee. It's just another day.
This year seemed particularly different to me. Maybe because I worked retail and I got to witness first hand the amount of "stuff" people were buying. It's a little crazy really. I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE presents and I LOVE to give them....but I can't help but wonder why we stress ourselves out so much and spend so much for that moment of waking for that magic feeling? Is it worth it? Can't we do something year round or at unplanned times in the year to show the special someone's in our lives they matter? I know we can...but why don't we? Why don't I?
I seem to have lost my mojo for holidays this year. Even my own birthday went by without much of a clatter...that's not really me but it seems, it may be who I have become. Do we really become someone completely different out of the blue?
Another year's end is fast approaching. I used to love New Year's eve. Loved the possibility of a new start, that maybe THIS year I will be someplace where confetti falls from the ceiling at midnight and that maybe, just maybe this year will be amazing! But it seems, that one year just sort of blurs right into the next and nothing much changes...maybe the faces of those around you change....you lose some friends...gain some new ones...you move, have new neighbors....give up going out with certain groups or suddenly decide to not spend time with others. Faces and places change but really what remains central is you...you are the center of your own Universe.
What changes can one really make in a year? I mean some simple ones but the big, internal, life changers take more time. I was told this story recently of a man who made a list of life questions for his father in an attempt to get to know him better. Because, as we all know, we age as fast as our parents do and they surely won't be around forever. In an attempt to get to know more about his father he made a list of 37 questions...he gave the list to his father and hoped, one day, to have answers. Of course you know the father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly but as the son was cleaning out his fathers house, he came across the list and most of the questions had been answered by his father....he found great comfort in this. Having lost my own father this year, made me wonder a bit...who was he really. What I thought I knew of him is all I will ever have. I don't know what made him happy, what childhood memories he took with him into his life. I don't know if he was living the life he chose or did his life choose him? What did he feel about his time in the military? Why did he pick my mother to marry? Was he really always the sad, unhappy, mean, selfish man I knew at the end? Was there ever a time in his life where he wanted something more? Different? Did he even try? Made me think....when I'm gone, what might someone want to know about me?
Since I don't have children of my own to leave a legacy too, or to take care of me when I'm old I will count on my nieces and nephews...they will have to take care of their Auntie. We all have a unfinished life story, what does our final chapter look like?
I want to ask my mom somethings before she's gone: 1) What's been your greatest moment? 2) What is your biggest fear? 3) Why did you marry dad? 4) When were you at your absolute happiest? 5) What advice would you have to pass on? 6) If you could change one thing, what would it be and why?
I did a mini version of this with my grandmother when I had some alone time with her before I moved her to Minnesota, where she died shortly after. I remember asking my grandmother if you could change one thing in your past, go back and do one thing differently what would it be and why? At first she laughed it off, and said what does it matter, it didn't happen, you can't change what is. You just have to make the best of the life your given and be happy with that. I remember thinking to myself - that's true but didn't she have hopes or desires or dreams or wants that never happened no matter the life she had? Couldn't she have possibly wanted anything more that what she had? On the last night in Florida, after I had spent a week in 90 degree weather packing up her life and her house, giving away almost everything she owned, having had to watch an 86 year old woman say good bye to the life and friends she had known, it occurred me, that who we ARE is composed of more than just our thoughts and dreams. All the "stuff" we accumulate through our lives is part of us to.
I tossed away furniture, pots and pans, brooms, Tupperware, and stuff that to me had no meaning. It was just clutter that there was no room for in my mothers house where I was taking my grandmother to. I cleared out all the "stuff " in her life with careless abandonment because I was focused on getting her home....to my mom's house...and all this "stuff" was just clutter in my way. I never gave any thought that that meant anything to her. Looking back at that last night we spent in Florida, in a cheap hotel right by the airport sitting in the warm night air I wish I were more present in that moment. I wish I had more thought to when, quietly as we sat rocking in the swing on the porch in the hot Florida night my grandmother said "I would have said I love you more".
I was exhausted, tired and emotionally drained from packing up and making decisions about all her stuff and lying to her about it....yes Grandma, I packed those up...when in reality I threw them away or gave them away. I got rid of her life in 3 days with barely a thought of what things meant. The pots and pans she owned her whole married life with my grandfather who had passed 10 years earlier, the furniture they bought together, the lamps they picked out, everything had to go - I was so focused on getting home I forgot her life, her stuff, her things - mattered. I said what are you talking about Grandma? Taking a long puff on her Salem 100's cigarette, she said....I would have said I love you more. I looked at her quizzically thinking - wow, she has really lost it now.
She stared off into the night sky and simply said: you asked me what would I change if I could go back and do one thing differently - I think it matters that people know you love them. And not just saying it...showing it. She then continued to smoke her cigarette until it was a tiny nub of the filter left and we didn't say another word - we just sat there rocking. I can't remember exactly what thoughts were going through my head but they sure weren't OMG! That's amazing..I want to remember that...I want to carry that back into my life, I want to tell people I love them....and not just tell them...show them. Actions speak louder than words. But I didn't...not then anyway...I trudged on with my life and continued on as if any day were the same as the last.
The last time I spoke with my grandmother was a few days before she died. I remember visiting her in the nursing home, a little angry that I had to go...that I HAD to go visit. It early January and she had been in there since right after Thanksgiving. Her body started shutting down and just before Christmas they told us it wouldn't be long. So we went...everyday to see her and to hold her hand and to tell her we loved her. She stopped eating and really responding in early January and we knew the time was close. The day she died, January 14, the nurse came into her room and said Hi Annie, what are you going to do today? My grandmother hadn't really responded much in the last few weeks...but that day she said she was going home to Chicago. The nurse said well have a good trip. At some point after the nurse left my grandmother slipped quietly away and went home to Chicago. That is where my grandfather was buried and grandma decided it was time to go home. She just slipped away and that was that.
I hadn't thought much about that moment or that time until this Christmas. Maybe because it was the first Christmas without one of my parents...it was harder for my sisters than it was for me, which made it hard for me. Who wants to see anyone sad? It made me think of my Christmas's as a child and all the excitement that came with Christmas morning and then my grandparents coming over and the smell of the house as Christmas dinner cooked and we all played with all our new stuff and how happy we all were...for just that teeny block of time. I miss that. I miss that moment with my sisters and brother....the sound of a house full of people and the smell of Christmas dinner and the fresh tree.
So perhaps the Grinch was right after all - it can come without ribbons or tags. It's not about the packages, boxes or bags. Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
Christmas came and went in the blink of an eye, for me it did anyway. It doesn't have anything to do with the gifts or the parties or the "stuff"...not like it used to. Do I miss the Christmas times of my youth when I awoke and raced downstairs to gaze upon stockings so full of unknown surprises....filled to the brim with candy and treats and small gifts? Gasping at the mass of presents under the tree as far as my eyes could see? Some wrapped...some too big to be wrapped and hoping they were ALL for me! Maybe a little. I think what I miss most of all is the connection that day/time brings. The meaning behind all the "stuff".
When you get older and your alone you don't really get that....connection anymore. You don't have that magic moment that makes you feel like you are a part of something bigger. So maybe I do sympathize a little more with the Grinch than I'd like to admit. When I wake up on Christmas morning there is no magic moment...no WOW for me. It's a day like any other day for me and if I'm not with family, I still have to make my own coffee. It's just another day.
This year seemed particularly different to me. Maybe because I worked retail and I got to witness first hand the amount of "stuff" people were buying. It's a little crazy really. I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE presents and I LOVE to give them....but I can't help but wonder why we stress ourselves out so much and spend so much for that moment of waking for that magic feeling? Is it worth it? Can't we do something year round or at unplanned times in the year to show the special someone's in our lives they matter? I know we can...but why don't we? Why don't I?
I seem to have lost my mojo for holidays this year. Even my own birthday went by without much of a clatter...that's not really me but it seems, it may be who I have become. Do we really become someone completely different out of the blue?
Another year's end is fast approaching. I used to love New Year's eve. Loved the possibility of a new start, that maybe THIS year I will be someplace where confetti falls from the ceiling at midnight and that maybe, just maybe this year will be amazing! But it seems, that one year just sort of blurs right into the next and nothing much changes...maybe the faces of those around you change....you lose some friends...gain some new ones...you move, have new neighbors....give up going out with certain groups or suddenly decide to not spend time with others. Faces and places change but really what remains central is you...you are the center of your own Universe.
What changes can one really make in a year? I mean some simple ones but the big, internal, life changers take more time. I was told this story recently of a man who made a list of life questions for his father in an attempt to get to know him better. Because, as we all know, we age as fast as our parents do and they surely won't be around forever. In an attempt to get to know more about his father he made a list of 37 questions...he gave the list to his father and hoped, one day, to have answers. Of course you know the father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly but as the son was cleaning out his fathers house, he came across the list and most of the questions had been answered by his father....he found great comfort in this. Having lost my own father this year, made me wonder a bit...who was he really. What I thought I knew of him is all I will ever have. I don't know what made him happy, what childhood memories he took with him into his life. I don't know if he was living the life he chose or did his life choose him? What did he feel about his time in the military? Why did he pick my mother to marry? Was he really always the sad, unhappy, mean, selfish man I knew at the end? Was there ever a time in his life where he wanted something more? Different? Did he even try? Made me think....when I'm gone, what might someone want to know about me?
Since I don't have children of my own to leave a legacy too, or to take care of me when I'm old I will count on my nieces and nephews...they will have to take care of their Auntie. We all have a unfinished life story, what does our final chapter look like?
I want to ask my mom somethings before she's gone: 1) What's been your greatest moment? 2) What is your biggest fear? 3) Why did you marry dad? 4) When were you at your absolute happiest? 5) What advice would you have to pass on? 6) If you could change one thing, what would it be and why?
I did a mini version of this with my grandmother when I had some alone time with her before I moved her to Minnesota, where she died shortly after. I remember asking my grandmother if you could change one thing in your past, go back and do one thing differently what would it be and why? At first she laughed it off, and said what does it matter, it didn't happen, you can't change what is. You just have to make the best of the life your given and be happy with that. I remember thinking to myself - that's true but didn't she have hopes or desires or dreams or wants that never happened no matter the life she had? Couldn't she have possibly wanted anything more that what she had? On the last night in Florida, after I had spent a week in 90 degree weather packing up her life and her house, giving away almost everything she owned, having had to watch an 86 year old woman say good bye to the life and friends she had known, it occurred me, that who we ARE is composed of more than just our thoughts and dreams. All the "stuff" we accumulate through our lives is part of us to.
I tossed away furniture, pots and pans, brooms, Tupperware, and stuff that to me had no meaning. It was just clutter that there was no room for in my mothers house where I was taking my grandmother to. I cleared out all the "stuff " in her life with careless abandonment because I was focused on getting her home....to my mom's house...and all this "stuff" was just clutter in my way. I never gave any thought that that meant anything to her. Looking back at that last night we spent in Florida, in a cheap hotel right by the airport sitting in the warm night air I wish I were more present in that moment. I wish I had more thought to when, quietly as we sat rocking in the swing on the porch in the hot Florida night my grandmother said "I would have said I love you more".
I was exhausted, tired and emotionally drained from packing up and making decisions about all her stuff and lying to her about it....yes Grandma, I packed those up...when in reality I threw them away or gave them away. I got rid of her life in 3 days with barely a thought of what things meant. The pots and pans she owned her whole married life with my grandfather who had passed 10 years earlier, the furniture they bought together, the lamps they picked out, everything had to go - I was so focused on getting home I forgot her life, her stuff, her things - mattered. I said what are you talking about Grandma? Taking a long puff on her Salem 100's cigarette, she said....I would have said I love you more. I looked at her quizzically thinking - wow, she has really lost it now.
She stared off into the night sky and simply said: you asked me what would I change if I could go back and do one thing differently - I think it matters that people know you love them. And not just saying it...showing it. She then continued to smoke her cigarette until it was a tiny nub of the filter left and we didn't say another word - we just sat there rocking. I can't remember exactly what thoughts were going through my head but they sure weren't OMG! That's amazing..I want to remember that...I want to carry that back into my life, I want to tell people I love them....and not just tell them...show them. Actions speak louder than words. But I didn't...not then anyway...I trudged on with my life and continued on as if any day were the same as the last.
The last time I spoke with my grandmother was a few days before she died. I remember visiting her in the nursing home, a little angry that I had to go...that I HAD to go visit. It early January and she had been in there since right after Thanksgiving. Her body started shutting down and just before Christmas they told us it wouldn't be long. So we went...everyday to see her and to hold her hand and to tell her we loved her. She stopped eating and really responding in early January and we knew the time was close. The day she died, January 14, the nurse came into her room and said Hi Annie, what are you going to do today? My grandmother hadn't really responded much in the last few weeks...but that day she said she was going home to Chicago. The nurse said well have a good trip. At some point after the nurse left my grandmother slipped quietly away and went home to Chicago. That is where my grandfather was buried and grandma decided it was time to go home. She just slipped away and that was that.
I hadn't thought much about that moment or that time until this Christmas. Maybe because it was the first Christmas without one of my parents...it was harder for my sisters than it was for me, which made it hard for me. Who wants to see anyone sad? It made me think of my Christmas's as a child and all the excitement that came with Christmas morning and then my grandparents coming over and the smell of the house as Christmas dinner cooked and we all played with all our new stuff and how happy we all were...for just that teeny block of time. I miss that. I miss that moment with my sisters and brother....the sound of a house full of people and the smell of Christmas dinner and the fresh tree.
So perhaps the Grinch was right after all - it can come without ribbons or tags. It's not about the packages, boxes or bags. Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
Monday, December 19, 2011
There are no such things as coincidences…..
Or are there?
The word “coincidence” is actually two words, “co” and “incidence,” which means when two things happen at the same time for no apparent reason.
It’s been said that coincidences are just routine patterns that we haven’t yet recognized. Is it a “coincidence” that I have coffee every morning (well, mostly if someone else is making it) or is it routine, habit…part of me?
Sometimes in the midst of chaos, routine is what keeps us sane, keeps us going….keeps us plugging along the life path we’ve chosen to be on. Every day we take the same way to work, drink the same cup of coffee, go to the same job and starting it all over again the very next day HOPING something will be different…but the circle continues…the wheels keep turning and we keep moving until something, like fate, jumps in to remind us, we aren’t alone.
Life is something planned…we figure out who we think we want to be early on and we move towards it. We pick a school, a job, a career, a life, a mate…..we plan….mostly leaving nothing to chance, for a the life we think we want. “Show us signs along our path that lead us to the answers we need right now to advance our lives in accordance with our happiness."
Hopefully we are planning a life based on our own happiness, but that’s another issue all together. If anyone took the time to watch us, I mean to study our lives from the outside, they would see no coincidences, no change in our easy, predictable, traceable routines. It’s really just a breathable version of connect the dots. Every once in a while however, fate gives us a nudge, like a giant elbow to the head, causing our routine to skip a beat, just for a second, making us remember we’re still alive. A sudden job loss, the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship…any big life change is there to tap us on the shoulder and remind us to live our live, not just coast through. It’s easy to get caught up in a routine.
Sometimes that’s what we have to do for a short time. When I was in school, my life was filled with nothing BUT routine. I went to class Tuesday nights, did the reading or assignments (homework) Wednesdays, had a professional commitment on Thursdays….Friday was MY night. Usually it consisted of sleep, or errands or trying to reconnect with family and friends. Saturdays it was meeting with my group or doing more homework, Sunday was cleaning, laundry, shopping and finishing up any last minute house/life stuff which lead us into Monday, which was devoted to making sure homework was done and ready for Tuesday class. It was that way for so long that when it finally ended, I almost had a breakdown….now what do I do? Coincidence? Routine? Whatever it was, it got me through a challenging time. Now the trick is to find that balance in everyday life so we don’t have to go through these stages of routine waiting for fate to slap us in the head to remind us were here.
Is it a coincidence we’ve become friends, lovers, partners, husbands, wives…..family with people we’ve met? Is the Universe conspiring to send us those people that we need? Have you ever met someone and before you know it you can’t imagine your life without that person in it? You can’t imagine waking up one day not seeing them, talking to them, having them be a part of your whole entire being? Is that a coincidence or is it fate?
Fate is the supposed force or power that predetermines events, a series of inevitable events that we don't choose or control. If you believe in fate, it’s probably bigger than just that simple statement, but you have to accept the fact that you have no idea what is going to happen, that someone or something bigger than you,however, does. Has our “fate” already been decided for us or do we get to plan that as we make our own life choices? Is the entire cosmos system out there deciding for us or do we meet people along the way (coincidence) that redirect us and take us to new/different paths?
“The man, who knows something, knows that he knows nothing at all” So are you ready to accept that? Believing in coincidences doesn’t mean that we are stuck with a life of simplicity, or that our actions don’t matter, choice is always a part of our own lives. Our actions matter. Our choices matter. Everyday we get to choose the things we want to keep in our lives and the things/people/jobs/stuff it may be time to let go of. Other than that, you have no way of knowing specifically how you will influence the universe; you can only assume that if you live life passionately, pursuing a life dedicated to your own pursuit of happiness, that your effect will be positive.
In this life, that may be as good as it gets.
The word “coincidence” is actually two words, “co” and “incidence,” which means when two things happen at the same time for no apparent reason.
It’s been said that coincidences are just routine patterns that we haven’t yet recognized. Is it a “coincidence” that I have coffee every morning (well, mostly if someone else is making it) or is it routine, habit…part of me?
Sometimes in the midst of chaos, routine is what keeps us sane, keeps us going….keeps us plugging along the life path we’ve chosen to be on. Every day we take the same way to work, drink the same cup of coffee, go to the same job and starting it all over again the very next day HOPING something will be different…but the circle continues…the wheels keep turning and we keep moving until something, like fate, jumps in to remind us, we aren’t alone.
Life is something planned…we figure out who we think we want to be early on and we move towards it. We pick a school, a job, a career, a life, a mate…..we plan….mostly leaving nothing to chance, for a the life we think we want. “Show us signs along our path that lead us to the answers we need right now to advance our lives in accordance with our happiness."
Hopefully we are planning a life based on our own happiness, but that’s another issue all together. If anyone took the time to watch us, I mean to study our lives from the outside, they would see no coincidences, no change in our easy, predictable, traceable routines. It’s really just a breathable version of connect the dots. Every once in a while however, fate gives us a nudge, like a giant elbow to the head, causing our routine to skip a beat, just for a second, making us remember we’re still alive. A sudden job loss, the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship…any big life change is there to tap us on the shoulder and remind us to live our live, not just coast through. It’s easy to get caught up in a routine.
Sometimes that’s what we have to do for a short time. When I was in school, my life was filled with nothing BUT routine. I went to class Tuesday nights, did the reading or assignments (homework) Wednesdays, had a professional commitment on Thursdays….Friday was MY night. Usually it consisted of sleep, or errands or trying to reconnect with family and friends. Saturdays it was meeting with my group or doing more homework, Sunday was cleaning, laundry, shopping and finishing up any last minute house/life stuff which lead us into Monday, which was devoted to making sure homework was done and ready for Tuesday class. It was that way for so long that when it finally ended, I almost had a breakdown….now what do I do? Coincidence? Routine? Whatever it was, it got me through a challenging time. Now the trick is to find that balance in everyday life so we don’t have to go through these stages of routine waiting for fate to slap us in the head to remind us were here.
Is it a coincidence we’ve become friends, lovers, partners, husbands, wives…..family with people we’ve met? Is the Universe conspiring to send us those people that we need? Have you ever met someone and before you know it you can’t imagine your life without that person in it? You can’t imagine waking up one day not seeing them, talking to them, having them be a part of your whole entire being? Is that a coincidence or is it fate?
Fate is the supposed force or power that predetermines events, a series of inevitable events that we don't choose or control. If you believe in fate, it’s probably bigger than just that simple statement, but you have to accept the fact that you have no idea what is going to happen, that someone or something bigger than you,however, does. Has our “fate” already been decided for us or do we get to plan that as we make our own life choices? Is the entire cosmos system out there deciding for us or do we meet people along the way (coincidence) that redirect us and take us to new/different paths?
“The man, who knows something, knows that he knows nothing at all” So are you ready to accept that? Believing in coincidences doesn’t mean that we are stuck with a life of simplicity, or that our actions don’t matter, choice is always a part of our own lives. Our actions matter. Our choices matter. Everyday we get to choose the things we want to keep in our lives and the things/people/jobs/stuff it may be time to let go of. Other than that, you have no way of knowing specifically how you will influence the universe; you can only assume that if you live life passionately, pursuing a life dedicated to your own pursuit of happiness, that your effect will be positive.
In this life, that may be as good as it gets.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Lost in my mind
Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget some of the basics. I've been living that way for a long time now, caught up in life....the elusive hunt for the things that gives up purpose, meaning....a reason to be. It's time to give up that ghost.
I think 2012 is going to have to be a year of getting back to the basics. These simple everyday things that seem to get lost in the shuffle of us trying to “be” something…or to “get” somewhere. Somewhere in our lives, we've bought into all the consumerism and the fact that we, just as we are, aren't enough. It's time to remember or realize that we DO have all we need.
The most important thing we have in our lives is our connections to others….the friendships we’ve cultivated, the family (for better or worse) we’ve got and the jobs we stay at. It’s time to get back to the simple things in life and hopefully that will help create a road map that leads us out of the muddled mess that has us lost in our own minds.
Treat others as you want to be treated. This one is a hard one. Especially if you work retail during the holidays, you see the worst (sometimes the best, but more often not) in people. The greed, the inability others have to see anyone or anything outside their own bubble. I’m sorry I don’t have control over a manufacturer who only produces a small quantity of the Muppet's nail polish. Please don’t yell at me like I’ve personally stolen your first born child and sold them for a bowl of oatmeal. And yes, everything has exceptions…this includes the $3.50 coupon you are standing here arguing with me about….how much in gas did you spend to drive here and how much is that name brand everything your wearing cost? You want to argue with me why you can’t save $3.50 off your $8.00 purchase when the coupon CLEARLY states it’s with a $10 purchase? Really? You want to fight THAT battle? Here….why don’t I just open my cash drawer and give you…let’s say all the $20 bills I have in here…..will that make you happy?
Treat others as you want to be treated….don’t yell at a cashier making $10 an hour because you can’t use your $3.50 coupon on high-end $25 mascara…..suck it up and get a $6 tube of Maybelle for God’s sake….heck, get 3 tubes!
A friend of mine was recently doing a talk pre-holiday....about learning to be true to ourselves during these times. He talked about this Hindu phrase he uses as his mantra "neti neti". Loosely translated it means "not this, not that". I'm sure there is some deeply hidden spiritual meaning behind it but for this purpose, let's keep it simple. Neti neti. I feel that, I get that, I pretty much want to OWN that statement.
If you ask me what I want I can't answer that, I can however, very clearly tell you what I DON'T want....neti neti. I think along with that phrase needs to go the tag line "stop doing the things that don't work for you". This may eventually lead us into the things that do??? Maybe?
So the pre-holiday talk consisted of 4 bullets - 1) Neti neit 2) Start a new tradition 3) Find your peeps 4) Start seeing with new eyes. They all of course, tie into each other. Stop doing the things that don't work for you. Don't do things just because you always have. The holidays still come and go even if you don't spend 6 hours at your family's. Surround yourself with people who fill your bucket....who energize you...support you....love you... and finally take off the rose colored glasses and look at things as they really are. You are never going to have a Hallmark holiday....so quit expecting it.
Lost in my mind, no where to go, lost in my mind, no room for new thoughts. If you keep your brain filled with all the old things how can you expect anything new to infiltrate and change?
We create our own life one choice at a time. Choose wisely.
I think 2012 is going to have to be a year of getting back to the basics. These simple everyday things that seem to get lost in the shuffle of us trying to “be” something…or to “get” somewhere. Somewhere in our lives, we've bought into all the consumerism and the fact that we, just as we are, aren't enough. It's time to remember or realize that we DO have all we need.
The most important thing we have in our lives is our connections to others….the friendships we’ve cultivated, the family (for better or worse) we’ve got and the jobs we stay at. It’s time to get back to the simple things in life and hopefully that will help create a road map that leads us out of the muddled mess that has us lost in our own minds.
Treat others as you want to be treated. This one is a hard one. Especially if you work retail during the holidays, you see the worst (sometimes the best, but more often not) in people. The greed, the inability others have to see anyone or anything outside their own bubble. I’m sorry I don’t have control over a manufacturer who only produces a small quantity of the Muppet's nail polish. Please don’t yell at me like I’ve personally stolen your first born child and sold them for a bowl of oatmeal. And yes, everything has exceptions…this includes the $3.50 coupon you are standing here arguing with me about….how much in gas did you spend to drive here and how much is that name brand everything your wearing cost? You want to argue with me why you can’t save $3.50 off your $8.00 purchase when the coupon CLEARLY states it’s with a $10 purchase? Really? You want to fight THAT battle? Here….why don’t I just open my cash drawer and give you…let’s say all the $20 bills I have in here…..will that make you happy?
Treat others as you want to be treated….don’t yell at a cashier making $10 an hour because you can’t use your $3.50 coupon on high-end $25 mascara…..suck it up and get a $6 tube of Maybelle for God’s sake….heck, get 3 tubes!
A friend of mine was recently doing a talk pre-holiday....about learning to be true to ourselves during these times. He talked about this Hindu phrase he uses as his mantra "neti neti". Loosely translated it means "not this, not that". I'm sure there is some deeply hidden spiritual meaning behind it but for this purpose, let's keep it simple. Neti neti. I feel that, I get that, I pretty much want to OWN that statement.
If you ask me what I want I can't answer that, I can however, very clearly tell you what I DON'T want....neti neti. I think along with that phrase needs to go the tag line "stop doing the things that don't work for you". This may eventually lead us into the things that do??? Maybe?
So the pre-holiday talk consisted of 4 bullets - 1) Neti neit 2) Start a new tradition 3) Find your peeps 4) Start seeing with new eyes. They all of course, tie into each other. Stop doing the things that don't work for you. Don't do things just because you always have. The holidays still come and go even if you don't spend 6 hours at your family's. Surround yourself with people who fill your bucket....who energize you...support you....love you... and finally take off the rose colored glasses and look at things as they really are. You are never going to have a Hallmark holiday....so quit expecting it.
Lost in my mind, no where to go, lost in my mind, no room for new thoughts. If you keep your brain filled with all the old things how can you expect anything new to infiltrate and change?
We create our own life one choice at a time. Choose wisely.
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