Years ago I was inseparable from a friend. We lived together, we worked together, we socialized together...we were the dynamic duo...well, we were a duo. We mostly had a really good time. We became the people that hosted events, that created outings - we were the "it" set of friends that were kind of the core to a larger group. Then things changed.
For one reason or another we all decided it was time to spread our wings in all different directions and suddenly, this group was no more. At first we tried hard to keep it going, we emailed, we called, we set up outings but as time kept pulling us forward, all in different directions, it got harder and harder to stay a cohesive group. So we all sort of formed new groups, separate from the original pod that we were. We somehow, over time, have become someone I used to know...including myself. I no longer even feel like I know who I am.
It's funny really, when you think about it. Our lives were so connected. Our inner workings were so attached to each other that we knew things about each other that most people probably don't but we did. We shared out joys, our pains, our laughter.....our mocking of each other for our dumb mistakes. We had Wednesday Martini nights that left us quite hung over and in a haze just long enough for us to recover and come together again on Friday or Saturday night and again laugh and play until we had go home for some rest. I miss that connection with people. I miss the idea that I, nor anyone one really, was ever really alone. We always had some connection. If it wasn't a week day movie night or dinner appointment it was constant email chatter. I know life changes....people change....but for some reason today that moment in my life popped into my head and made me a little melancholy for the old days. I loved that time, I cherish that time, heck that even formed some of who I am today....but it's behind me....it's just something that i used to know.
Somehow the choices we make change our friendships and all the relationships in our lives. We choose to buy a new car and have expensive things so in trade we work 2/3 jobs to afford it. What do we lose in the end? Friends, time, family....connections. We choose a partner who wants something different than we do...we choose to embrace that and go with them....and we lose again. Why does it seem that we make choices only to end up losing things in the end?
A few years back I had my "year of no rules". Not gonna lie, it was good. It was damn good. I did things I never would have imagined myself doing, I went places, I saw things - I had fun....but fun always has to end. Reality came crashing in when I convinced myself I could live in that world. No one, especially no one of my age, can live a lifestyle like that. It's just not possible...so I lost. I lost out and had to choose another path, another option, another way to spend my energy and time. So I embraced it...I charged ahead vowing to make it new and different that before, tired of the same old ways. I certainly couldn't go back to the life I had before and I surly could not continue on the decadent path I had been pursuing...so I settled into a life. I got into a rhythm and I coasted...I coasted along for almost 2 years trying to convince myself I was going somewhere.
The elusive "somewhere". I wish it were pin pointed on a map so I could at least see how far off I was. What are the coordinates of "somewhere" anyway. Somewhere can't possibly be HERE. This can't be the place I end up....not that it's so terrible, but it's just not enough. It's just not a place I imagined myself.....like in a song. I imagine my life to be like the Katy Perry song Fireworks....Come on let your colors burn....I imagine my life to be like that....a firework, big and bright and amazing and shiny. Wonder how that job description would read?
I recently spent some time with my 9 year-old nephew who normally is bouncing off the walls with energy but he was this kind of quiet, introspective little man. We went to the sculptor gardens and he spend a lot of time looking at each statue, investigating them, really looking at them and he would tell me a few times "Auntie, slow down, look at this...no really look at this." It surprised me.....not just because he is a 9 year-old boy, but that he was reminding me to stop and look and to really look...not just see but to really SEE what we were looking at. I imagine if any of the artists could have overheard him they would have been over joyed at a young man really appreciating their work.
So, how did I become somebody that I used to know and how do I get it back? How do I remind myself to slow down and see what is right in front of me instead of fighting so hard for the maybe or the possible...how do you stop and settle for the what is? Maybe my nephew has that answer to?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Chasing firefly's
When I was a kid, one of my favorite things in the summer was to chase and capture firefly’s or “lightening bugs” as we used to call them. I remember finding an old mason jar, poking holes in the lid with a screw driver and then waiting. I would sit and wait for them to show themselves….to emit a tiny little flash of light and I would chase them with breathless hope, and capture them. They were now mine. They were bright and shiny and for a short time, they made me really happy. The elusive bright, shiny thing we tell ourselves we “have to have” to be happy. I remember the times I would not actually capture any and I would be heart broken. My world just didn’t seem as bright.
As we get older, we stop doing those simple things and move into something more, something bigger. Instead of chasing the elusive firefly, we chase the perfect mate, the most amazing job, the shiny car….the things we think add value to our lives when in turn, they are just something fleeting we have. We cling to these new things so hard and so long and when their bright shininess fades, we look for something new to fill it. When the perfect mate we thought would be with us forever, leaves us, or we chose to leave them, we find something shiner and new to replace it. When a job no longer fulfills our needs, our corporate hope to climb the later we find something new. We are always running after something with such abandonment that we may forget to enjoy the light it brings to us right now.
When is enough enough?
At times I wish I could go back to the simpler time in life. When it meant something to go out and play. When you learned from your friends where baby's really came from....that they didn't come from a stork or by finding a half-dollar under your pillow. Now there are video games or a million TV channels to distract and teach children more about life that they really need to know and forget about all the stuff they have access to via the Internet. Makes one's head spin. Even at my old age I learn so many things from just "surfing". I miss the simple life. When you cut your finger and became a "blood" sister with your best friend. When chasing firefly's was what was the entertainment for any night.
These days there is so much we use to distract ourselves, TV, jobs, bars, events, clubs....everything we do is to create that bigger and better life we think we need to have. How does one go back to just needing the simple things in life. The easy peasy times? I envision a life of less stress almost everyday, now just need to get me a mason jar and start enjoying.
As we get older, we stop doing those simple things and move into something more, something bigger. Instead of chasing the elusive firefly, we chase the perfect mate, the most amazing job, the shiny car….the things we think add value to our lives when in turn, they are just something fleeting we have. We cling to these new things so hard and so long and when their bright shininess fades, we look for something new to fill it. When the perfect mate we thought would be with us forever, leaves us, or we chose to leave them, we find something shiner and new to replace it. When a job no longer fulfills our needs, our corporate hope to climb the later we find something new. We are always running after something with such abandonment that we may forget to enjoy the light it brings to us right now.
When is enough enough?
At times I wish I could go back to the simpler time in life. When it meant something to go out and play. When you learned from your friends where baby's really came from....that they didn't come from a stork or by finding a half-dollar under your pillow. Now there are video games or a million TV channels to distract and teach children more about life that they really need to know and forget about all the stuff they have access to via the Internet. Makes one's head spin. Even at my old age I learn so many things from just "surfing". I miss the simple life. When you cut your finger and became a "blood" sister with your best friend. When chasing firefly's was what was the entertainment for any night.
These days there is so much we use to distract ourselves, TV, jobs, bars, events, clubs....everything we do is to create that bigger and better life we think we need to have. How does one go back to just needing the simple things in life. The easy peasy times? I envision a life of less stress almost everyday, now just need to get me a mason jar and start enjoying.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Taking care of those you love
The other day after eating my buffet lunch I opened my fortune cookie which read "you have a strong instinct to take care of the people you love”. At first I was rather disappointed it wasn't something more profound.....more wisdom filled but then I thought “isn’t that true about everyone? Doesn’t everyone want to take care of those they love?” I realized suddenly, with great sadness, No, that’s not necessarily the truth. I mean I think we’d like it to be, but really, it’s not. Sometimes the one’s we love don’t get the best from us, the love and attention that they deserve.
In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed life, our jobs/work/careers or whatever label you want to give it, but we talked about it on a different level. I was saying how important it is for me personally, to feel needed, connected or that what I am doing was making a difference in the bigger picture or I am not feeling it...not feeling the joy of working. Then it turned to discussing how many of us get our validation and self-worth from our jobs.
Her comment was a job should never define who we are and yet I thought, it does. I know many people who work like crazy, even at the expense of their loved ones. How many people do you know that work more than they spend time with their families? It’s kind of the way we are expected to be. It’s called the "rat race" for a reason…right?
A job is defined as: a paid position of regular employment. Basically you work for money. When I have enough I’ll do what I really want to do and then I’ll be happy? Do you think having enough ever happens? Really?
The word career comes from the French word carrier, meaning: “race course”. For many that’s what a career is, an never ending race that just leaves you running towards anything meaningful to hold on to. What are we running to and ultimately running from?
I’m almost always one of the first people at work in the morning. I love this time before the office comes alive and full of the daily hub-bub. I like the quiet, the calm, the time I can do what I need to do without fighting anyone for the printer or over-hearing all the escapades of their night before. It’s quiet. I can’t even believe I am saying this, but I like the quiet during this time…..in the morning.
When the day begins you get caught up in all the daily grind of phones, emails, deadlines, meetings and the hurry up mentality that the corporate world offers. Hurry up and do this…oh wait, now we don’t want to use it or do that anymore…not go do this…but hurry. Hurry from this meeting to that meeting where we will talk things to death but never really accomplish anything....of real importance...just keep on keeping on. Ahhh, the rat race is a good place….if only there was some good cheese at the end.
So this brings me back to my original thought….taking care of those you love. I have lots of people in my life I love…and in turn I would love to and I do love to take care of them…but here's where I started thinking.....why don't we include ourselves in that? Why aren't we part of "the people we love"? I was a little surprised at myself....all I could think about was how lucky I am to have some amazing people in my life that I get to call family and friends that I would do anything for....and I do, I change my life around all the time to accommodate their wants and needs but I can't tell you the last time I've done that for ME.
Funny isn't it....we never stop to think about ourselves as being someone we should love. Hmm, perhaps a glass of wine and some good cheese is needed to ponder this more.
In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed life, our jobs/work/careers or whatever label you want to give it, but we talked about it on a different level. I was saying how important it is for me personally, to feel needed, connected or that what I am doing was making a difference in the bigger picture or I am not feeling it...not feeling the joy of working. Then it turned to discussing how many of us get our validation and self-worth from our jobs.
Her comment was a job should never define who we are and yet I thought, it does. I know many people who work like crazy, even at the expense of their loved ones. How many people do you know that work more than they spend time with their families? It’s kind of the way we are expected to be. It’s called the "rat race" for a reason…right?
A job is defined as: a paid position of regular employment. Basically you work for money. When I have enough I’ll do what I really want to do and then I’ll be happy? Do you think having enough ever happens? Really?
The word career comes from the French word carrier, meaning: “race course”. For many that’s what a career is, an never ending race that just leaves you running towards anything meaningful to hold on to. What are we running to and ultimately running from?
I’m almost always one of the first people at work in the morning. I love this time before the office comes alive and full of the daily hub-bub. I like the quiet, the calm, the time I can do what I need to do without fighting anyone for the printer or over-hearing all the escapades of their night before. It’s quiet. I can’t even believe I am saying this, but I like the quiet during this time…..in the morning.
When the day begins you get caught up in all the daily grind of phones, emails, deadlines, meetings and the hurry up mentality that the corporate world offers. Hurry up and do this…oh wait, now we don’t want to use it or do that anymore…not go do this…but hurry. Hurry from this meeting to that meeting where we will talk things to death but never really accomplish anything....of real importance...just keep on keeping on. Ahhh, the rat race is a good place….if only there was some good cheese at the end.
So this brings me back to my original thought….taking care of those you love. I have lots of people in my life I love…and in turn I would love to and I do love to take care of them…but here's where I started thinking.....why don't we include ourselves in that? Why aren't we part of "the people we love"? I was a little surprised at myself....all I could think about was how lucky I am to have some amazing people in my life that I get to call family and friends that I would do anything for....and I do, I change my life around all the time to accommodate their wants and needs but I can't tell you the last time I've done that for ME.
Funny isn't it....we never stop to think about ourselves as being someone we should love. Hmm, perhaps a glass of wine and some good cheese is needed to ponder this more.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Perception is reality
What you see is what you believe...or at least that's what we've been taught. The old saying "Oh I'll believe it when I see it" is proof enough that in order for us to believe, we need to see with our own eyes.
Sometimes I wonder, is perception really reality? Take for instance Valentines Day. This is, after all, the day one is supposed to profess their undying love and affection for their one true love in the form of flowers/candy/dinner/or other adult like activities. But in reality, what is love?
Love - to feel something bigger than yourself. To want someones happiness as much as you want your own. To know, without a doubt, there is a mate to your soul.
So much pressure comes attached to this day. If you’re new into a relationship, it’s pure torture! Do you jump in with both feet and profess your love, attraction, intent? Do you take a casual approach? If you’re into a relationship, even more pressure. Flowers? Dinner? Sweet, sweet love? Where is the line in the sand? What do we expect from our partner and what do they expect from us?
The perception is that this day is for love, the reality is that unless your in love, falling in love or in a relationship, this day is NOT for you. If your among the many single, bitter, unloveables out there, this day blows and there are all the retail reminders to just drive it home.
At some point, a person has to take stock of their life and accept that perception is other peoples reality. If I "appear" together, happy, smart, organized, prepared....people will believe that. If I appear crazy, out of control, loud, obnoxious, people will believe that....so, perception does become reality. The question I'm asking is when does a person stop, take stock of the life they have and accept the reality. How do you quit fighting against all the things you are and just learn to live? Do we ever become accustomed to our own reality? And if so, do we then change our own perception?
Sometimes I wonder, is perception really reality? Take for instance Valentines Day. This is, after all, the day one is supposed to profess their undying love and affection for their one true love in the form of flowers/candy/dinner/or other adult like activities. But in reality, what is love?
Love - to feel something bigger than yourself. To want someones happiness as much as you want your own. To know, without a doubt, there is a mate to your soul.
So much pressure comes attached to this day. If you’re new into a relationship, it’s pure torture! Do you jump in with both feet and profess your love, attraction, intent? Do you take a casual approach? If you’re into a relationship, even more pressure. Flowers? Dinner? Sweet, sweet love? Where is the line in the sand? What do we expect from our partner and what do they expect from us?
The perception is that this day is for love, the reality is that unless your in love, falling in love or in a relationship, this day is NOT for you. If your among the many single, bitter, unloveables out there, this day blows and there are all the retail reminders to just drive it home.
At some point, a person has to take stock of their life and accept that perception is other peoples reality. If I "appear" together, happy, smart, organized, prepared....people will believe that. If I appear crazy, out of control, loud, obnoxious, people will believe that....so, perception does become reality. The question I'm asking is when does a person stop, take stock of the life they have and accept the reality. How do you quit fighting against all the things you are and just learn to live? Do we ever become accustomed to our own reality? And if so, do we then change our own perception?
Friday, February 3, 2012
Learning to live with regret
Regret, like old friends, often comes back into your life.
We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.
I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.
I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.
It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.
My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.
I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.
I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?
Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.
No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.
Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.
We all have regrets. Things we wish we never said or did or wore. People we wish we could let go out of our lives but they hang on like a hang nail just enough to be irritating and just when you think it's gone, there it is again....with a sharp reminder it never really left us.
I regret very little in my life. I try to be the kind of person to say what I mean and mean what I say. Not always, but I try hard. A few years back I had a year of no rules! I don't regret anything about that year. I learned a lot about myself, had some new life experiences, built some lasting amazing friendships, lost some friends.....but overall I had a good year. I miss lots of things about that life but it was also exhausting at the same time.
I have been in a weird place ever since that year, trying to find my place in the world again. I try not to regret anything but one nagging little piece of life keeps resurfacing again and again. My father. Yep....dear old dead dad keeps coming into my thoughts. I guess, if I'm honest, I do have some regrets there.
It's hard to know what we hold onto in our lives until, well until we have to face it. My friend used to say to me "Denile isn't just a river in Egypt". Ha. It's amazing what we can push out of our heads and hearts until we are faced one day to deal with it head on. Our relationship was not a close relationship but still, he was my father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be so I guess I owe him that. And my sibilings...who I'm lucky are pretty awesome. So without that one second of creation, none of us would even be.
My question now is, when you live with regret, how do you actually "live" with it. I mean you at some point must have to come to terms with it. In reality, there is nothing to be done about it now, I mean the time is past, the moment over, there is nothing left to do but to go on but man, something sits in my soul that just keeps irritating me like a hang nail. How do you clip that off, for a better way of saying...how do you let it go.
I regret that I never told him what I really felt. That I never stood up to him and demanded that he see me as the awesome amazing person I am. That no amount of comparison or critisim would change the person I am. I, as I am, am pretty god damn cool. I'm sorry he never understood that. I'm sorry he felt like me, well all of his children probably, were a hinderance to his life. He clearly wanted a life he never got. As Lily Tomlin would say "I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have been more specific.". I think my dad, so badly, wanted to be something more that he was and he blamed things like his children, his devoted wife, his parents....anyone, for not being happy.
I always say my biggest fear is I don't want to become him. What scares me is as I get older, I am sort of understand parts of him I never did before. Maybe with age comes a sort of I don't give a crap what I say or think anymore? Maybe comes a little understanding or peace with knowing you don't have much time left here? I don't know....I wonder if he could have rewritten his story, how would it have gone?
Here we are into the second month of the year already and as I look at my life in terms of what's coming up I feel uninspired. I need to find a reason to create a better inspired life to follow. I don't want to wake up and find out I have indeed turned into my parents.
No regrets is not really a way to life. I think people should have regrets. Regret that you haven't told someone you love them. Regret not asking for more that you have. Regret not taking a chance. Regret not trying something new to break the hum drum of life. Regret not laughing until tears run down your face over something on one else understands. But I don't think one should ever regret following their soul and seeing where that leads.
Learn to live with a little regret but don't be afraid to go beyond it.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Furious happiness
I love things that make me laugh. I think life is better when your laughing, having fun and just overall enjoying life. I've never considered being "furiously happy". It's never crossed my mind or my thought process until I read this blog by this very funny woman....which tells the story of buying a giant metal chicken...it's the funniest thing I've ever read and frankly I so see my self and my bff doing that exact thing. But there was a link to a friends blog in there where she talked about a strapless red dress and learning to be furiously happy....here's an excerpt from her blog - http://thequeso.com/
It's like she crawled in my head and plucked this story from my brain. Like I've been holding it, waiting for some catalyst of a moment to make it come to life. It's somewhat comforting to realize that after all, we aren't really alone. That even though we feel it, there are others who feel and experience all the same things we do. It should give me comfort to know that...but for some reason it makes me feel like....I should be doing more. Saying more. Just more.
I have these thoughts in my head swirling around and I don't act them...I think about them a lot but they don't seem to come to life like others do. I think I might have to focus on listening to my innerself a lot more.
"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies. I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be. And the more I thought about it
the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”. Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better. Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it. So she bought the dress. And then she wore it. And then she began sending the dress around to different people who needed it for whatever reason."
It's like she crawled in my head and plucked this story from my brain. Like I've been holding it, waiting for some catalyst of a moment to make it come to life. It's somewhat comforting to realize that after all, we aren't really alone. That even though we feel it, there are others who feel and experience all the same things we do. It should give me comfort to know that...but for some reason it makes me feel like....I should be doing more. Saying more. Just more.
I have these thoughts in my head swirling around and I don't act them...I think about them a lot but they don't seem to come to life like others do. I think I might have to focus on listening to my innerself a lot more.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Changing focus
Why is it so easy to find the faults in our self and in others? Why is it so easy to believe the negative things about who we are and what we do? Whose bright idea was that to give us the ability to remember verbatim the mean, unsupported, untrue (mostly) things people say about us and then own them like a second skin? What part of our brains have taken over the common sense part?
It's that time of year where you have to sit with your boss and do your review. You sit and talk and set your goals, plans, and objectives for the year. It's mostly just words on paper but sometimes I surprise myself and actually do accomplish things I've put on there. Sometimes I actually WANT to. It's also the time to get your 360 peer reviews back.
Now myself, I'm rarely surprised by these. I work with a great group of people that help when I need it, push back when necessary and tell me to sit down and shut the hell up once in a while. I'm not surprised by their comments. I know my faults. I know my downfalls, I accept them and mostly I own them.
I'm bossy, I'm stubborn, I'm confused if I don't get the whole picture. I'm a question queen. My dad used to get so angry at me...stop asking so many questions he would always bellow at me. I tend to be a little black and white or yes/no which I know I need to work on. On the positive side however, I am also a team player, I will run when necessary, sit back and watch when it's important and give 110% to everything I do. I need to know that what I do makes a difference or I don't want to do it. If you tell me to be "corporate" Dawn, I am just that. I dress the part, walk the walk and talk the talk. Inside I may be rebelling or screaming obscenities but externally, I'm playing the part. I think I know pretty well when to pull that person out...I think I've done a good job of that and mostly people tend to agree. We of course all have an off day.
Most people question me when I'm at an event where I'm "representing" my division and I'm in that role, they ask if I'm OK...why and I so "quiet". I smile and appreciate their noticing this but I stay in my role. So, overall, I feel like I've got this corporate gig down pretty good. Even my boss has commented on it....so that tells me I'm on the right track. But what I can't understand is when someone who barely knows me or works with me or has pretty much anything to do with me makes a comment that is supposed to reflect my work presence.
Case in point....the purpose of a 360 review is to get feedback from those people you work with and will continue to work with. What do I do well? What can I improve on? What other comments to you have? Pretty generic and honestly, one shouldn't really be surprised by any of these..but I was...under the what other comments do you have someone wrote "I haven't worked with Dawn enough to provide valuable input" OK...first off.....if you haven't worked with me enough why are you getting a 360 review and second if you don't have any valuable input then stop there......why go on...I mean you yourself said it wouldn't be valuable...but no...they went on....they then stated "For the few/brief times I do work with her, I'm not impressed with her professionalism". This made me pause and question WTF they are talking about?!
I mean how do you say a statement like that and not follow it up with for example she burps out loud or she picks her nose or she drinks like a man! I mean really...what does that mean? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Why, of all the things said, is that the only one I can focus on and give any attention to? Have we become so jaded in our lives and thinking that the only comments we can validate are the negative ones? Do we have the need so badly to be liked by everyone that when we aren't it sets us on a path of self-hatred and worry. What is wrong with us that we can't look at that statement, think huh...I wonder what that means and then just blow past it. No...all I can do is look at every person I pass in the hall, the elevator, the cafeteria and wonder....did you say that? If so what does it mean? Am I being unprofessional now? It's making me a little crazier than I already am. Why do we allow those any power?
I guess when I say WE I really mean ME. I don't suppose most people will give it much validation, most will be able to brush it off and move on. I mean my own boss didn't even mention it - why do I give it any validation?
Then, because it's the time of year for reviews, I had my review at my part-time gig too, again all good, all positive and overall the rating was really good except for one little comment that really wasn't my fault but I brought it up so it got written into my review that I actually did this wrong....but I didn't....and arguing about it won't change anything because it honestly doesn't matter one bit but because it's written down, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it because it's on paper and therefore now part of my file, my documentation, the only thing that will remain about me when I'm gone? Is that why I have to burn my journals when they are full? I don't want anything negative hanging around. I guess that's why everyone becomes a saint when they die....all the bad, mean, selfish things they've done just get ignored. Suddenly they have sunshine and flowers as their only reminders.
I guess I just have to accept that is what someone else thinks of me and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is. The best we can do is just make each day better than the last. All I can do is try to be the best me and if that no name can't appreciate that, its out of my control.
It's hard being an adult.
It's that time of year where you have to sit with your boss and do your review. You sit and talk and set your goals, plans, and objectives for the year. It's mostly just words on paper but sometimes I surprise myself and actually do accomplish things I've put on there. Sometimes I actually WANT to. It's also the time to get your 360 peer reviews back.
Now myself, I'm rarely surprised by these. I work with a great group of people that help when I need it, push back when necessary and tell me to sit down and shut the hell up once in a while. I'm not surprised by their comments. I know my faults. I know my downfalls, I accept them and mostly I own them.
I'm bossy, I'm stubborn, I'm confused if I don't get the whole picture. I'm a question queen. My dad used to get so angry at me...stop asking so many questions he would always bellow at me. I tend to be a little black and white or yes/no which I know I need to work on. On the positive side however, I am also a team player, I will run when necessary, sit back and watch when it's important and give 110% to everything I do. I need to know that what I do makes a difference or I don't want to do it. If you tell me to be "corporate" Dawn, I am just that. I dress the part, walk the walk and talk the talk. Inside I may be rebelling or screaming obscenities but externally, I'm playing the part. I think I know pretty well when to pull that person out...I think I've done a good job of that and mostly people tend to agree. We of course all have an off day.
Most people question me when I'm at an event where I'm "representing" my division and I'm in that role, they ask if I'm OK...why and I so "quiet". I smile and appreciate their noticing this but I stay in my role. So, overall, I feel like I've got this corporate gig down pretty good. Even my boss has commented on it....so that tells me I'm on the right track. But what I can't understand is when someone who barely knows me or works with me or has pretty much anything to do with me makes a comment that is supposed to reflect my work presence.
Case in point....the purpose of a 360 review is to get feedback from those people you work with and will continue to work with. What do I do well? What can I improve on? What other comments to you have? Pretty generic and honestly, one shouldn't really be surprised by any of these..but I was...under the what other comments do you have someone wrote "I haven't worked with Dawn enough to provide valuable input" OK...first off.....if you haven't worked with me enough why are you getting a 360 review and second if you don't have any valuable input then stop there......why go on...I mean you yourself said it wouldn't be valuable...but no...they went on....they then stated "For the few/brief times I do work with her, I'm not impressed with her professionalism". This made me pause and question WTF they are talking about?!
I mean how do you say a statement like that and not follow it up with for example she burps out loud or she picks her nose or she drinks like a man! I mean really...what does that mean? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Why, of all the things said, is that the only one I can focus on and give any attention to? Have we become so jaded in our lives and thinking that the only comments we can validate are the negative ones? Do we have the need so badly to be liked by everyone that when we aren't it sets us on a path of self-hatred and worry. What is wrong with us that we can't look at that statement, think huh...I wonder what that means and then just blow past it. No...all I can do is look at every person I pass in the hall, the elevator, the cafeteria and wonder....did you say that? If so what does it mean? Am I being unprofessional now? It's making me a little crazier than I already am. Why do we allow those any power?
I guess when I say WE I really mean ME. I don't suppose most people will give it much validation, most will be able to brush it off and move on. I mean my own boss didn't even mention it - why do I give it any validation?
Then, because it's the time of year for reviews, I had my review at my part-time gig too, again all good, all positive and overall the rating was really good except for one little comment that really wasn't my fault but I brought it up so it got written into my review that I actually did this wrong....but I didn't....and arguing about it won't change anything because it honestly doesn't matter one bit but because it's written down, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it because it's on paper and therefore now part of my file, my documentation, the only thing that will remain about me when I'm gone? Is that why I have to burn my journals when they are full? I don't want anything negative hanging around. I guess that's why everyone becomes a saint when they die....all the bad, mean, selfish things they've done just get ignored. Suddenly they have sunshine and flowers as their only reminders.
I guess I just have to accept that is what someone else thinks of me and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is. The best we can do is just make each day better than the last. All I can do is try to be the best me and if that no name can't appreciate that, its out of my control.
It's hard being an adult.
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