It's a ride not a fight

Everyday we get up, we try to start our day with the best intentions. I always think "today is the day everything is going to change". Then I get out into the world and I feel small and insignificant and I have no power to change anything. I just sort of react, exist, manage everything around me. Feels like everything I attempt is a fight, an uphill climb. Isn't it strange how the littlest things can really change who we are?

It's exhausting to always wish you were someone else. I wonder if we ever settle into the fact that we are who we are and we have the life we have and it's OK. The point of life, of living is to grow and want more....but there is probably a difference between wanting more and needing more. It seems acceptable to want more from life but if we spend all our time and energy NEEDING more then it makes you wonder....what's missing?

Do we ever get those missing pieces of ourselves? If we keep looking, keep searching keep trying to get that missing piece, do we ever really ever feel complete? Do we ever get that piece of the puzzle and feel really content with what we have and where we are?

Developing as a person doesn't really mean you have to become someone completely different but it's more about personal development. Growing as a person forces us to build upon the foundation that we already have. Some days it feels a little harder than others, but it helps to have goals or to see the bigger picture. We can easily accept where we are starting from but it's where we want to end up that can totally muddle things up.

It's like walking in between sunset and sunrise. We get so tied up in our day, our own lives that we lose sight of where we are trying to go....walking in between. It's time to choose a path, to stop stumbling through life. It's time to let things go, to stop waiting. It's time to start moving in some direction again. I miss who I was before. I have been living this year in a pause mode, I guess technically it's not really living if your paused. This year feels like there was lots of pausing, waiting, and looking for the rewind button. I think it's time to change that remote and just get going.

Time to put my oars back in the water and begin rowing again - after all, it should be a ride, not a fight.

All we are is what we are

It seems like life moves at warp speed. We grow up always trying to be someone. Trying to be something more than what we are. We practice to be better at music or sports or whatever, but really all we are is what we are.

Each day is a start again to try it all over. All we can do is the best we can. We waste hours, days, weeks focusing on trying to be more, to be better, to be something more than we are, trading hours for something new because we think we don't have enough just as we are. Wasted time.

In the end how much of it really matters because as much as we want it to, nothing really stays the same. Life is about constant changing, most of it not within our control. All we are is what we are.

It seems that just as we get settled and content in life a change occurs. A partner leaves, your job changes, friends leave, divorce happens....something comes in to change it. It's not always bad or negative, it just is.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you and you don't even see it coming. Suddenly and without warning, you're surrounded by the best friends you've ever known. You're waking up in the mornings just "dying" to get into the day. There's a lightness in your step and a gleam in your eye. Your thinking is new, your laughter frequent, and you're drawn to tears whenever you hear happy tales. You're on a roll, so it's not like you're thinking about it, but if you were to think about it, you wouldn't know what's gotten into you, nor would you recall just when. You'd only shake your head whenever you thought of how quickly everything can change.

It's about learning to keep our oars in the water....to keep moving no matter what's happening. I recently left my part time job at my apartment complex and things were really good there for a long time and when things changed to the point that it was no longer a FUN place to work I had to walk away. It was like tearing off a band-aide off a wound that is not yet healed. It's hard for me to walk away from the past....maybe it’s because I’m crazy, maybe it’s because I can’t honestly figure out what I want? It’s not enough to just stand still and wait for things to happen, you have to go after them. You have to keep moving, keep growing, keep changing, keep looking for that next adventure, friend – life experience to keep you rowing in some direction.

Just something to remember the next time you don't see something coming.

Getting Lost to Be Found

"The only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!

So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun."

So it's like you have to be at the bottom to reach the top. It's like you have to give up all hope, all thought, all anything to get what you want?

Seems counter productive to the whole process of perseverance doesn't it? I am often confused by the messages the Universe sends my way. Why does it send you people, or moments or put you in place to have these moments that suddenly turn into "ah ha" moments or "light bulb" moments for you and then take it all away from you? What exactly is the lesson there?

I have been thinking a lot about all the stuff we accumulate over a lifetime...not just the mental and emotional baggage we tend to save, but all the actual, physical stuff we accumulate. Clothes, possessions, furniture, tables, lamps.....stuff. I looked around my house this weekend and realized I have accumulated so much stuff that I don't need yet I don't feel like I am ready to just get rid of it all.

Part of me is really, really tempted to empty out my life, to discard all that I have worked hard to collect. I feel like I worked hard to create a life, a space for my life but yet nothing seems to fit here. Like I collected all this stuff hoping somehow my life would blossom into something bigger, something to fit my space and yet it hasn't, it remains empty and quiet and for as much stuff as I have squashed into my space, it feels bare. A house is only a house...a place to store stuff. I have some weird attachment to my "stuff" but suddenly, it's like I'm seeing things for the first time and I don't want this stuff anymore, I don't want this baggage, or this life that it seems to be crying out for but will never happen.

It seems like we spend all this time and energy creating a life, a space, a home and really, it doesn't matter all that much. That old saying....it doesn't matter what kind of car you drove, how much money you had, all that matters is that you were important in the life of someone.

So it begs the question.....are you important in the life of someone?

What we really want

I wonder if we ever get to a point in our life where we no longer want. We no longer wish for the good old days back, we accept where we are, the path we have chosen and accept that we really have no control or say over life. Do we ever become OK and content with the life we have? Is that what most people would call a "normal" life or is it settling for what we have? When do we give up the fight and just keep living? Why does it feel like we have to have either/or?


I wonder, if we knew then what we know now, would we change anything about our lives or the decisions we made in moment? Would we change what we said, did, wore - wouldn't that change who we are now? Sometimes we learn and grow from the experiences we go through, the heartbreaks, the fun, the things that leave scars on our hearts. If we knew then what we know now would we really choose a different path? Isn't who we are right now based on all we have experienced thus far? I realize there are some really painful things that come upon us and crush our souls from the inside out, but really, it's who we are. Who would we be without that experience?

I think we are all put here for a reason, the more we struggle, search and hunt for that "reason" the more elusive it becomes. It's like a greased pig, every time you think you have your arms around it, it slips out and runs away. I think sometimes you just have to settle into a life, a routine a system and everything will work out like it's suppose to. If we let go and stop fighting it's easier. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen - right?

We spend a good part of our life trying on all these different masks of who we think we are suppose to be. It seems to be an elusive search for the one that is US, the one that is who we are. Cardboard masks of all the people we have been, we end up throwing them away over and over again, continuing to search for the one that fits us.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you are willing to give anything to get it? What are you willing to do for it? I think we have days where we feel like we can change who we are and we begin to move in that direction, we move onto a new path and we push forward and forge into a new direction and unless we are true to who we are it's short-lived, no matter how hard we try to hang on to it. I've learned that you can't control things, you can't hold on to things that really aren't meant to be. In the whole scheme of things, we have very little control over things. We really can manage or control our reaction or feelings to things around us. Sometimes it's overwhelming and it's easier to give up and other days we feel empowered to change the world.

Even if it's our own small little corner of it.

Finding our value

I read somewhere that the path to true happiness is often blocked by our own self. That we are our own worst enemies. It went on to say that we, in a sense, have to lose our mind to be happy. Well if that is true, I should have been happy a long time ago!

I did find out later in the book what the author meant by that. When we were small children we experienced life very differently, that everyday was a new adventure and as we got older we stopped experiencing things in that same way. Our minds started to define and categorize all the experiences and events that happened to us and around us. We learned to be self critcal and judmental of not only ourselves, but those around us. The bottom line was we needed to live life in the "Here and Now" we need to go back to experiencing the world around us on a day to day basis as we did before we got all hardened and jaded by life.

Just like a child's first step out on the lawn, the pointy blades of grass tickle us and it's a new wonderful experience. When was the last time you experienced that sensation? I was talking to a friend last night and we discussed how we don't see things about ourselves that others do. Like the way we go out of our way to give to others, to help, to be kind, to do what we would want someone to do for us...but it seems like normal behavior to us so we don't see it as something bigger than that. We don't see our own value. Does this mean we are missing our purpose? Are we so blinded by our own self that we can't see our purpose?

By finding your purpose in life you find your connection to the bigger picture. To the bubble outside of your own. For me it is by doing random acts of kindness and hoping that those acts of kindness are being paid forward. Finding things that bring you joy and happiness and then doing that for others. Hoping they then find that within themselves and do the same. It's knowing that you have helped someone and brought a little light into their world. Also by getting out in nature and enjoying a nice sunny day will help you appreciate what beauty there is in the world around you. Sometimes just being aware of our own surroundings make us more connected.

All of this doesn't happen over night. It takes a long time and lots of bad choices along the way to guide you to the place that puts you on the right path. It also comes with learning to change your frame of mind from the negative to the positive and seeing things in a different light. That is so easy to write but really, really difficult to do in life. For me especially, I have been spending so much energy focused on what I miss that I have probably missed so many opportunities right in front of me. I've said it before and I will say it again....it's hard to be an adult!

Life is a constantly moving ride. If you don't keep your hands inside at all times you will have a price to pay. Thinking back on life as a kid where all you had to do was learn to tie your shoes, ride a bike or learn to swim, that was easy. Someone did your laundry, made you dinner - well, sometimes, but overall, you were takend care of. You didn't have to think. Life was easy, you rode your bike, played at the park and things like a ride on the see-saw was your biggest stress factor.

The see-saw is a great metaphor for life, it's the constant up-down-up-down movement that really keeps things interesting and in balance. You always had that moment of panic that your end wouldn't rise up when it was time and then all of a sudden, you were up - feet dangling and nothing at that very moment mattered. I guess as adults we can have moments like that, we can give and receive, have boisterous times and quiet times. We can dance ecstatically and then spend some time resting in quiet, calmness. As long as we have a fire in our belly and tears in our eyes we will have that integrated balance that makes us human.

Please keep your arms and legs in at all times and as always, no smoking. Enjoy the ride.

It's over

You know that feeling you have in a job or a relationship or just in general, where you just wake up and you KNOW, without a doubt, it's over. You have nothing left to give inside that can offer anything more to the situation and you know for all parties involved it's just best to walk away, to quit, to stop pretending anymore. It's over.

Problem is, usually when it's over you have a plan, an idea, a place to go to recharge, to make over your life. Change is in the wind, all you have to do is open your arms and embrace it. I read this quote in my Oprah magazine "a make-over shouldn't turn you into someone else - it should lead to a better you." Isn't that what we are doing when we reach that point and move on....looking for a better us? Searching for that elusive thing that makes us happy, makes us feel loved, brings us joy? Isn't that what experiences are about...to find out what works for us and what doesn't? Reinvention doesn't happen when you hate the person you are right now.

Along with change comes the baggage we choose to take with us on our journey. I heard a quote once that said "I am looking for someone with baggage to match mine." Makes me giggle a little but really it's true. You don't want to someone with a lot of mismatched baggage, you don't mind some, even it it's tattered, torn and kinda worn around the edges, but it has to sort of match yours...you can't be going against who you really are. That's the hard part, at least it seems to be for me. It's like the only baggage left out there is some crazy funky pattern I just can't make go with mine....and mine is crazy enough.

Life is full of twists and turns, feel like sometimes the only thing to do is to start looking at everything again until you forget what you're supposed to see and then actually just see what is really there. Time to take off the rose-colored glasses and look at things as they really are, no sense in pretending they are anything more that what they really are.

You never know what is going to cause a memorable event for yourself or for someone else. A few years ago I had a night I can't erase from my brain. It's forever etched in my mind as a pivotal point in my adult life. It wasn't planned, it was a sort of spontaneous moment in time that I wish I could capture and have everyday, but it's not to be....but I have that moment in time, that place and that person forever etched into my memory.

I often do things without much thought...some would claim I am not living in the moment and maybe that's true but it's who I am...at least right now. I blogged about that after hearing this great speaker who talked about living in the moment and how we don't really do that very well and how it's something we have to FORCE upon ourselves. Not sure that's good or bad. I often go through my life in such a state of routine that I forget about the moment in time I am in.

In making some drastic changes in my life lately, I've suddenly realized that sometimes I am the creator of moments for other people that they then hang onto and remember and refer back to that I didn't really think meant anything at all. It's a weird sort of moment when you realize you have made someone else's world shine for just a moment. I'm the cause of that one moment in time they remember and talk about and hopefully smile about.

I get so self involved most days trying to force my round self into so many square places that I forget I can and do have an impact on others. It feels like an immense responsibility for me now to know this.

Complacent life

As time moves on we settle into routines. We settled into a life, a job, a relationship and after a small amount of time we get into a rhythm or routine that becomes something we do without thinking about it.

We get up, make coffee, pack a lunch, take a shower, go to work, come home, dinner, dishes, laundry, maybe something fun but then we do it all over again. We settle into a unconcerned lifestyle until something jumps in and shakes it up for us.

I've been living that kind of a life this year....and I'm not sure it's for me. Last year I chose a path of "NO RULES" and set out on an adventure...that quickly faded into being my past. It's funny how fast that happens. I've been struggling feeling like I need to "re-capture" that again like an aging actress trying to recapture her youth for the cameras. The fact of the matter is, the past is the past and there is not going back. It's a hard, big, bitter pill to swallow but I think I finally have choked it down, or at least it's headed that way.

For so long I've clung to the things I love about my life, I've held them tightly to my chest like a small child holding the string of a balloon. Slowly I've felt the string slipping from my grasp but the tighter I held and the more focused on the string slipping only caused it to slip away harder. It's hard to feel like you are standing still while the world around you moves and shapes and grows but you are stuck on a rock that doesn't budge.....holding on with all your might to your balloon hoping to keep it from getting away, from blowing away in the wind. The more you try, the harder it gets until one day, without you even realizing it....the balloon is gone and all you have left is the memory of how grand it looked floating free and easy above your head.

We all do this in one way or another, we become complacent with our life, our journey, our relationships. We no longer try to make things better, stronger, more exciting. It takes too much effort, to much time...just too much. It's easier to just be.....right?

Sometimes it takes a major life event to cause us to look outside ourselves. To see the world through someone else's glasses. It's funny, if you ask 10 people what they think your own life is like, you will get 10 different answers. We present pieces of our self to people, groups, situations so differently and it's the rare person who knows us well. I recently started a new part time job and I was in training with 6 other people. We went around the room and had to introduce ourselves to each other, the funny thing is I will most likely never see these employees again because none of us will be working in the same dept. but we had to share a little about ourselves. I thought isn't that interesting. For two minutes I can be anything I want to be to these complete strangers and they will never know anything different of me. They don't care to know anything more about me....yet here I am, expected to say something about myself.

Do you say something like, Hi, I am trying like hell to get back the life I had last year and I'm deeply unhappy with my life as it is laid out right now or do I do the standard I am excited to be selling women's shoes? How do we break out of the life we've worked so many years to create? Do we choose to stay on this path of least resistance or do we forge ahead into something unknown and hope for the best?

It's easy to not go against the grain, to just keep doing what we always do. I see some of the lifeless faces coming into work everyday and I wonder, where is their passion? Where is their joy? What makes them tick? I read this quote today that I really liked about smiling eyes:

She turned to me & whispered, don't you just love it when you get so excited you forget to breathe? & the thought of her smiling eyes still makes me laugh.

It's said that our eyes are the windows to our soul........it's interesting what we let in and ultimately let out.